skull_weblog

TSUNAMI DEATH TOLL TOPS 119,000 WHILE PARIS HILTON, JESSICA SIMPSON, JESSICA SIMPSON'S JON BENET-RAMSEY-ESQUE DAD & LIZA MINELLI WONDER ALOUD "WHAT ABOUT ME? TALK ABOUT MEEE!!!" "HAPPY" "FUCKING" "NEW" YEAR.

While we spent last New Year's Eve drunk. And then in jail. And the year before that drunk, fucking an ugly broad and THEN in jail. This year we're vowing to turn over a new leaf. A leaf that will have a whole less of

THIS

"WAIT A MINUTE!!! JUST WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE!!! OK...YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR BREATHE SMELLS LIKE COCK. AGGGGHHHH!!!!!

And quite a bit more of

THIS

ME & BROTHER ICEPICK SHARING A CELEBRATORY COCONUT SPRITZER

We can only hope that you all do the same while redoubling your efforts to purchase all of that fine-ass porn we sell so that we might continue doing the same while you continue buying our porn so that we can continue doing the same because you've bought our porn so that we can...Jesus. Were you even going to stop me? OK. You know what? Your breathe smells like cock. Aggghhh...

PARIS HILTON PUNKS PIGS ALL OVER AMERICA; PIGS ALARMED

WAIT A MINUTE...I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Socialite-turned-suckgobbler and TV slut PARIS HILTON collects calling cards from policemen who pull her over for speeding because she always promises to date them, after sucking them off, if they don't book her.

The hotel heiress admits she's often pulled over for speeding, even when she hasn't been speeding, but cops seem more intent on having her suck them off than booking her. She mumbles, "Every time I get pulled over, the cop is like, 'We don't need to give you a ticket. Want to go to dinner some time? I mean right after you suck me off?'

PARIS..."TAKING CARE OF IT."

"I have so many cards from cops, like a whole stack. I feel like they pull me over just to have me suck them off. Then afterward I'll give them an autograph and a picture and I go. I always speed. And suck. Suck and speed, speed and suck."

JESSICA SIMPSON LIES TO HER CREEPY FUCKING FATHER ABOUT HER PUSSY & ITS WHEREABOUTS

"PROMISE ME...PROMISE ME YOU'LL NOT TAKE HIS THROBBING TOOL INTO THE SOFT WARM CRANNIES OF YOUR FANNY. OR IN YOUR WET MOUTH. OR BETWEEN YOUR CAPACIOUS BOSOM, DARLING. PROMISE ME YOU'LL AVOID THE SWELL OF TUMESCENCE. AND THE SQUIRTING HOSE OF EVIL COCONUT OILS AND..."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- JESSICA SIMPSON's father Joe made the singer promise to stay a virgin until she married, during a special super-secret creeped out fucking ceremony they had when she was 12.

Joe, who doubles as Jessica's manager, handed his daughter a promise ring and vowed to be the only man in her life until she married.

He explains, "I'm going to tell you how beautiful you are every day. Even when you make a mistake, you are someone special. And I am going to be that person until the day you find a man to do that in my place."

Jessica -- who married Nick Lachey in October 2002 -- then promised she would remain a virgin. Joe adds, "What better gift to give her husband? Never touched by another man."

Whoaaaaa. Jesus Fucking H. Christ on a Goddamned Crutch. And with this shithouse rats all over America are presently in shock at their sudden toppling as the de facto crazy standard. "Wha? What happened?" Joe Simpson, my friends. Joe Simpson.

SHARON OSBOURNE & LIZA MINELLI LIFTING OZZY'S TABS WITH APPARENTLY GREATER FREQUENCY

LIZA, PICTURED HERE WITH DAVID GEST & TWO OLD WHITE BROADS, IN HAPPIER TIMES. HAPPY BUT APPARENTLY NO LESS CRAZY. NOT BY A LOOOOONG FUCKING SHOT

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Rock matriarch and obviously high wife of British multimillionaire Ozzy, SHARON OSBOURNE reportedly, in an epileptic fit of fucked up thinking, is desperate to manage drug-addled, er, ailing diva LIZA MINELLI's "singing" "career."

Osbourne, a co-dependent from way back, is naturally a friend of the 58-year-old music legend, who is currently in a New York hospital after a staggeringly sad alcholic stumble into the juniper bushes outside of D'Agostino's on Monday.

British gossip site SkyNews.com reports Osbourne, who has managed several bands and artists including husband Ozzy, is keen to work with Minnelli, who hasn't had a manager since splitting from her beaten and abused gay husband David Gest last year.

Osbourne says, "I had a long chat, insofar as she's still able to understand English, with Liza Minnelli. I think I could rescue her. She is a massive talent and could still cut it with a younger crowd."

Especially if by "cut it" you mean "supply them all with narcotics as powerful as the ones she's obviously sharing with Sharon."

SKULLGAME BUSINESSMEN OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...

A Newton, Kan., couple already charged with forcing mentally ill residents of a group home to work on their farm in the nude were indicted Wednesday on 35 charges. The indictment, issued by a federal grand jury, includes allegations that Arlan D. Kaufman, 68, and Linda J. Kaufman, 61, physically, psychologically and sexually abused group home residents, kept two people in involuntary servitude for 14 years, and defrauded the federal Medicare program. The indictment replaces one issued in November, charging the Kaufmans with a single count of involuntary servitude.

blackhole_09

WHY DO PUNK ROCK GUYS GO OUT
WITH NEW WAVE GIRLS?



FLESH HUNTER #4

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=110339

MIKE JOHN'S POV PERVERT #4

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "In Wide, Spread-Open Screen" BUSTED NUTS

If there’s ever been a porn series that would deserve IMAX consideration, it would be MIKE JOHN'S POV PERVERT series. Number FOUR in the series keeps the quality high. Like, dude, you’re THERE. And that’s what we like to watch porn for.

CARMEN "HOTDAMN" HAYES IN THE ROLE OF WHOLE LOTTA ROSY.

If VINNIE ROSE is a great man, then a great man once said that he couldn’t get off on watching porn unless he was in it. And here’s the next best thing. So when JASMINE’s ass is getting rocked, doggy style, it’s YOU rocking it. When MISSY MONROE is going on an on about how she can’t live unless she fucks you, it’s right in your eyes she’s looking.

SEMEN EXTRACTION IS NOT TO BE ATTEMPTED BY HOBBYISTS. ONLY SEASONED PROFESSIONALS NEED ATTEMPT THE SERIES OF SOPHISTICATED MANUEVERS NECESSARY TO HAUL AWAY UNWANTED LOADS. HERE, BROOKLYN, DEMONSTRATES A SUCCESSFUL EXTRACTION.

Sincerity against all odds seems to be one of the benchmarks of this series. You, I mean, MIKE JOHN, is not handsome, but the women act as if he were doing THEM a favor. We think you should get this movie. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

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CHASING THE BIG ONES #23

West Coast Productions

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Biotech Is Cockzilla" BUSTED NUTS

The subtitle on the box cover claims this is "an interracial movie." But I have suspicions that MANDINGO is some kind of Frankensteinian experiment escaped from a government facility. His yardage makes it an interstate movie, and if my conspiracy theory is right, an interspecies movie.

LAUREN PHOENIX AFTER HAVING, APPARENTLY, CAUGHT (AND MILKED) A BIG ONE

But see, I expect to see sex taken to extremes in porno. If it's just two fuckers making babies, what's the point of cameras, distribution, and marketing? So I'm not so amazed that the peroxide porn princesses can take it all, vagi- or anally. I tried to get a girl to watch this with me, to get beyond my jaded perspective. But she couldn't stop laughing, both at said proposition, and the hype and action pictures on the box. Not a size queen. To my good fortune.

But the meats and their respective motions are both what make the women in this movie true professionals, for having the guts to take them on. And the sluts, as meat themselves, are nice objet d'jacks, too. SARA is more silicone than flesh up front, but her backside has breaking waves that put the ocean in the motion. To her, MELISSA LAUREN, and ROXANNE HALL, I say, "Take all the black dick you can, but please, lay offa the bleach a little, okay?"

The less blonde, the more fun, for LAUREN PHOENIX, KAYLYNN, and ARIANA JOLLEE. Arianna puts in the most realistic performance with Mandingo, although I don't doubt for a minute the spasmodic agony that Roxanne Hall exhibits with that monster dick in her ass. -- JIMMY THE G

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BLACK CARNAL COEDS #12: DELTA PHI COOCHIE

Video Team

Rating: ONE & A HALF "What Would It Be Like To Make A Porno?" BUSTED NUTS

The music industry and institutes of higher education exposed!

They're just all about gettin' some, and on many levels, that's true. But those worlds don't revolve around amateurish pornographers. Too bad for me and you, but we're always hiring "coeds" here, too. In the interests of full disclosure, I have assessed a few actual sorority girls in my time, and believe that these organizations exist to promote sisterhood, while providing a place for sluttishness to go on undeterred by the concerns of the world outside of the ivory tower.

THE WORLD'S SMALLEST BLACK COCK NOT NAMED KOBE

Normally, I don't care about what the phony premise is for all the screwdriving. I, in fact, like how baldly it's all cast aside...WHEN THE FUCK IS GOOD! This is more like '80s, see what crap you can put in a shiny box, tape your own mother and call it porn. At least the silent film era style scene titles explain the dialogue I missed, since the sex can only be viewed at fast forward speed to keep me from tuning in to something a little more hardcore, like say Sesame Street.

NYAH NORDOFF might not have endured a C-section, if only she was willing to take some semen into her mouth. UNIQUE and MIRICLE show a little more porn spirit, but none of these sluts really are properly maintained in the shaved beaver department. Finally, the completely JV Team has gained enough experience to call in three escorts for the fourth scene, with two dicks who don't
waste time on intro's, plots, or denouements revealing the apartment-housed "record label" to be a front for the coochie scam that it is. -- JIMMY THE G

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JONNI DARKO'S ANGELS OF DEBAUCHERY #2

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "Bewinged Bitches" BUSTED NUTS

You know what they say: if you are fucking in public, you better be fucking good at it! And even though a porn film is not really fucking in public, it IS still fucking for everyone who cares to see. AND you have to pay for it! So I was happy to see that the fuckers in ANGELS OF DEBAUCHERY #2 were definitely good at what they were doing.

Good?

They had an enthusiasm about the task at hand that was actually awe-inspiring. They were even laughing. Fucking. Laughing. Fucking and laughing. These very pretty fuckers seemed very confident at their abilities to fuck, and sometimes suck, and it was reassuring somehow that they were professionals and obviously took pride in both fucking and sucking to please the viewer.

ARIANA JOLLEE: AND SHE'D BE EVEN PRETTIER WITH A MUGGLE IN HER MAW

Did I mention they were pretty?

Being a girl myself, and a fucker too, I am prone to be more interested in the guys, who by the way were quite tasty, but these girls were indeed beautiful fuckers. And by GIRLS I mean ARIANA JOLLEE. She is gorgeous. The anal gazing that she offered didn’t really do much for me, as I have very little interest in other women’s asses, but Ariana was having so much fun all was forgiven.

DASHA simply seemed very pleasant, and she proved my point that a nice genuine smile while fucking is very sexy indeed. TORI LANG was also quite cool, a performer of high standards, indeed.

Darkko takes an obvious fucking pride in his fucking work and I would definitely like to see more of his work, as I feel that he films his fucking with women fucking viewers in mind without it toppling over into that dreaded deadman's land of couples' porn. A fucking fucking accomplishment. -- ANGEL BABY

Buy it NOW!

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THE SKULLGAME NEW YEAR'S PRIMER WHEREIN A PRE-BLEARY BEVY OF SKULLGAME WRITERS DISCUSS PARIS HILTON, HEROIN, HOOKERS & THE FELONIES THAT WILL SOON MAKE THE NEW YEAR PUBLIC DEFENDER-TASTIC!!!

But first a few kind words from our proud sponsors at Slap-A-Ho-tels where "convenience is no excuse": Mention SkullGame next time you check into anyone of our many locations and "we'll make the sluts wrestle... just for YOU!"

YOU BITCH! YOU STOLE THE COCK THAT WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE. NOW YOU WILL DISCOVER LESBIANISM...THE HARD WAY.

SKULLGAME YEAR-END ROUND-UP A VERITABLE CAVALCADE OF VITRIOL

It's that time of year again. When a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of the year that was, as well as the upcoming year that will be. Forthwith various members of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME take a stroll on the pensive side and in full consideration of life's great and sublime values: love, tenderness and concern for those less fortunate than ourselves.

CORNHOLIO: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

"2004 saw me starting the year in financial straits that could only be called desperate. I had four girls, all alcoholics, working this pad I have downtown and kicking out $100k in wrinkled 20s and 10s. Well by way of the artful wielding of a series of car antennas I grew my business to 12 ho's, all alcoholics, making me a cool $300k this past year, in stained $100s. I can only hope that God, and my PONTIAC SR2435, will similiarly bless me in 2005."

NICKY BALLS TO THE WALL

"What would I like to see most in 2005? Either the prophecies to finally start coming true and show some of the real serious shit it has threatened to finally bring on down us, or merely that some sort of logic enter the minds of the American people. Oh yeah: more hardcore lesbian sex among 18-23 year olds. Lesbians or not."

YOZA, BABY

"What I'd like to see in 2005 is that betty on the sidebar of Friday's SKULLGAME--the one pulling off her shirt on the flash loop--sitting on the end of my bed, with a couple of cold beers and a mirror piled high with blow on her lap. And a paycheck from Vinnie. And my left flip-flop, which I think the neighbor's fucking dog kiped off the porch."

CUPCAKE: HAND'S DOWN WINS THE RESOLUTION OF THE YEAR AWARD

"How about seeing you do me in the relatively near future?"

ENGLISH BOB PREDICTS PARIS HILTON IN, OR NEAR, THE GENERAL ENVIRONS OR VICINITY OF HIS ENGLISH COCK

"This year it seems as though every fucker in the world got a blow job offa PARIS HILTON.

All except me.

But I will get over it, 'tis a new year and one's fortunes can always blossom. I feel fairly optimistic about the coming year, although I am pretty sure this is because I am high. In the cold light of morning, when I really think about things. . . . Yup. Things still suck. The gold medal for proof of this goes to the earthquakes, tidal waves and general destruction that has hit Thailand and Sri Lanka. Wow. Seventy thousand dead people.

Merry Christmas.

Although the above has no bearing on my resolutions whatsoever, I thought it was worth mentioning, as I do care, no really I DO.

Rant over. Here's the RESOLUTIONS:

1. Watch more of JAYNA OSO.

I've seen most of her, from most angles. But I want MORE.

2. Be more offensive when sober, if only to at least be consistent.

3. Take more drugs, had a reasonably sensible year, time to commence my war on drugs. Search and destroy, well I say 'destroy' but I mean 'ingest'.

4. Stop smoking. This one's optional and will most probably be broken within seconds of it being 2005.

VINNIE ROSE GROWS WHERE HIS ROSEMARY GOES

"I'd like to hear the sound of little pussy all over the place. Yes, thousands and thousands of tasty little pussies all running around my place. You see, by my count last year I fucked 320 times. Which places me well below the 1:1 average ratio of ho'age for the average non-fag male.

So in 2005 I'd hope to hit 365 pieces of pussy on average 730 times. This and, um, world peace and shit. Oh, and heroin. I mean not for me, but for the three junkie hookers pictured above. Well, and me too."

WERNER ASSBENDER: DISMISSIVE CONTEMPT FOR ALL MY FRIENDS!

What I'd like to see in '05 is pretty much the same as what I wanted to see last year: that every spamming, pop-up-happy, 'new media' corporate asshole who believes that the internet should be about making them rich (along some hazy delusional parameter of what 'rich' means) has their name on some fucking internet register that I can hunt down and fucking club them to fuckin' death, set their fucking ugly house on fire and piss on the smouldering remains.

Also, that anyone who still believes in some form of viable and credible 'alternative' culture be surrounded, gunned down and bulldozed into mass graves while I lead the crowd in a massive and cheerful singalong, the chorus depicting how one day I will successfully seduce and have week-long anal sex with my friend's slut mother with the gigantic tits."

THE DOCTOR IS IN...YOUR DRUGGED UP ASSHOLE BUT HEY, WHY QUIBBLE?

"In 2005 I hope for peace on earth. I figure that in order for that to happen at least a quarter of the population of the United States will have to die or experience a complete paradigm shift. This could be brought about by distributing "WWJD" stickers to stick all over the back of your car, right to the paint, that contain high doses of LSD in the adhesive; or possibly by using spent plutonium to manufacture little "guardian angel", "Jesus fish", and "Calvin praying" plaques to adorn the desks of the mindless, soulless, retards that think that constantly kicking the hornet's nest that is the Middle East is making the world a safer place."

ITALIAN SAL SPEAKS

"HOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST....LIKE...THIS...ONE!!!!!!"

JIMMY THE G: MR. NO-GODDAMNED GOOD WRENCH

"Since the chop shop isn't getting me the fuckitage I require to keep from running over retirees at the trailer park, I vow to try out for every mercenary opportunity available in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Marines wouldn't take me, something about a "major problem with authority, arising from probable, but undiagnosed, antisocial personality disorder," but I know the big bucks are with the third-party security contractors anyhoo. And regulars don't get to keep grisly trophies in jars. Colonel Kurtz was the man, but he didn't have half the opium and hash I plan to stockpile!"

AND WE ALL BREATHE A COLLECTIVE SIGH OF ANTICIPATORY RELIEF THAT WE DON'T LISTEN TO ANIMAL THUG'S RECOMMENDS FOR A NEW YEAR'S PARTY LIKE WE DID LAST YEAR

AGGGGGHHHHH....TAKE IT AWAY!!!! TAKE IT AWAYYYYYY!!!!!

MERRY JESUS CRUTCH ON A CHRISTMAS & HAPPY PUERTO RICAN NEW YEAR!!!!

YEAH YEAH. SURE. WHATEVER THE FUCK. UNREGENERATE SLUT KATHY WOODS 5 MINUTES INTO OUR OFFICE PARTY

ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM IT'S A BLAST, JOSH BROLIN CAME HOME & KICKED HER FAT SLUTTY ASS

YEAH YEAH, LAFF IT UP BABY. LAFF IT UP. NOW.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Actor" and son of MR. BARBRA STREISAND, JOSH BROLIN was arrested at his Los Angeles home Sunday on charges of "slapping the holy fuck out of the notorious Brentwood pot roast burner," his wife of four months, DIANE LANE.

The actor, 36, was charged with "slapping the holy fuck outtery" and spousal battery and released after posting $20,000 bail, says the couple's spokeswoman, Kelly Bush.

Bush says, "There was a misunderstanding at their home based largely on the nature of carbon build up and how it affects 'the goddamned dinner' pot roast," adding that the arrest was "for the lowest-end misdemeanor charge of domestic slappery."

She adds, "Diane did not want to press charges, mostly on account of being unconscious and all from that door she ran into, and asked them not to arrest him, but in cases involving the possibility of any physical contact, the police have to arrest first, ask questions later."

Bush says the two are back together in their home "and are embarrassed the matter went this far. In fact they are so embarrassed that he's whipping up on her as I speak."

SHARON STONE DROPPED LIKE ONE BY HER WISED UP BEAU

"PLEASE. CAN I STILL BE FAMOUS? I SHOWED MY TITS IN A MOVIE. SEE? SEE? DOESN'T THAT COUNT FOR SOMETHING?!?" NO.

THE STREET OF BROKEN DREAMS (SkullGame) -- SHARON STONE reportedly is heartbroken after her lawyer boyfriend Bernie Cahill, wised the fuck up and got out. The two-time loser, three if you count her divorce from a serviceable career, Stone, "Basic Instinct" star, 46, has apparently never been dropped by a lover before -- she has always been the one to call things off despite being insufferable beyond all human measure.

A source tells British newspaper the Sun, "This is the first time a man has ever ended it with Sharon, she's gutted."

Well get used to it baby.

PJ HARVEY TIRED OF SHOWING SNATCH, DECIDES TO SHOW SNATCH ONE LAST TIME BEFORE PLAYING 'LAST SNATCH SHOW' EVER

SNATCH NO MO'

PARIS (SkullGame) -- British singer PJ HARVEY stunned fans in Paris Saturday night, by announcing she is never going to show her snatch to strangers again.

The rock musician, who has been promoting her seventh studio album Uh Huh Her, shocked the small audience of nervous Frenchmen at Studio 287 in Paris by declaring she will avoid playing live snatch shows again.

Harvey told her fans the concert would be "the last snatch show I will ever play."

But you'll live forever on SkullGame, baby. And what a gift to Baby Jesus on this the almost eve of His non-birthday!!!

FOURSCORE AND SEVEN NUTS AGO...

A BIOGRAPHY that claims Abraham Lincoln was homosexual has provoked fierce criticism and prompted complaints that attempts to out historical figures have gone too far. The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln, to be released by Simon & Schuster next month, says the president who won the American civil war and ended slavery had affairs with young men. While gay campaigners have made similar claims in the past, this is likely to strengthen a backlash against the so-called "queer theory" that has been used to claim figures from Adolf Hitler and from Florence Nightingale to Eleanor Roosevelt were all gay.

POOL SHARK

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: THREE "Embracing Vagiterianism" BUSTED NUTS

Like curing what ails me with Kabbalah water or crossing a pit of burning coals, I’ve gone and done it: I’ve leaped headlong into the abyss of vagiterianism, also known as anal absenteeism, no-touchy-the-cornholeism, and avoid-the-stare-of-the-brown-eyeism.

ALEXIS MALONE'S ASS MOCKING THE VERY FIBER OF STEELY ROB'S BEING

My doctor-imposed fastidiousness has brought me to the anal desert that is the POOL SHARK. Like the stuff that Baby Doll consistently brings us, it’s a nice video, with one of our favorites, LEILA LEI, and one of our soon-to-be favorites, JENAVEVE JOLIE. Teanna would be right up there too if it weren’t for the boob job, as “perfect” as it may be.

GAAHHH! Who am I kidding?!?! Being a vagiterian has turned my mind and libido to mush. The Germans would call me a warm duscherer – a guy that likes hot showers – a wimp. And they’d be right, my God, they'd be right. In my right mind I’d give this movie NO GODDAMN BUSTED NUTS AT ALL.

You know what? Fuck the doctor, fuck L. Ron Hubbard, fuck Madonna, fuck Tony Blair, and fuck the vagiterians. If I’m gonna go out, I’m goin’ out in flames. Anal abstinence, a pox on you. I'm chasing down the blasted cold anal turkey, carving it up and lambasting it. Starting next week, no more Mister Nice guy with the gentle and vanilla porn. I’m back on the ass-loving road to damnation.

Time to start by biting into a double decker slab of double anal... -- STEELY ROB

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GANGBANG AUDITIONS #14

Diabolic

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Look To The Feraliminal Lycanthropizer" BUSTED NUTS

When I was younger (no, really, much younger), I remember looking at a Far Side comic of a bunch of lions eating a gazelle. All you could see of the prey was a leg or two sticking out from around, like, eight lions. I remember being strangely turned on.

WE'RE REMEMBERING BEING STRANGELY TURNED ON BY WATCHING CORA CARINA FUCK MORE TIMES IN AN HOUR THAN WE DID ALL WEEK

Chalk it up to precocious gangbang affinity. Or primal, feral urges. The gazelles here are utterly devoured by the predators. ASIA, who talks like the prototypical gangsta, ghetto skank, and with tattoos to match (shit, the girl’s fucking BRANDED, fer chrissakes), takes it in the ass...at long last. Seriously, this girl is scary as much as she is hot; like, stab you in an alleyway for five bucks with a sharpened screwdriver scary. In fact, we probably wouldn’t fuck her unless there were at least five other guys in the room.

If we like this kind of thing at SkullGame, we like it in small doses. And if by "small," you mean skinny, pretty, small-tittied Euro sluts like CORA CARINA, then it’s all good. And if by "small," you also mean "not endlessly long," then GANGBANG AUDITIONS is a very nice one and a half hours. MARTINA’s scene is kinda lame, as the lions aren’t strong enough to get all three holes. A raging, animalistic fuck fest with no anal? Weak, but you’ll be getting it for the first two girls anyway. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

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STEVE HOLMES' ANAL ROMANCE

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Chivalry Is Not Dead" BUSTED NUTS

STEVE HOLMES’ ANAL ROMANCE. Is Steve having a romance with an anus? Is it an erotic meditation on the love lives of people who are compulsively neat? Or is it? Yes. It must be: a testament to the love between a man, a woman, and her asshole. Oh, the devotion! Who says chivalry is dead? I mean outside of us?

LARA STEVENS' SUCKING & FUCKING PARTICIPATION IN THIS FLICK MAKES US WANT TO INVADE HUNGARY. ONE NUT AT A TIME

It's funny though, the great Romantics -- Blake, Coleridge, Byron -- never really expounded on anal plunder in their works, unless stuff like that whole Kubla Khan pleasure dome thing was code. Anyway, they shoulda.

Anyways, someone up there in the San Fernando Valley heard our prayers. Five one-on-one scenes and no extra cocks to mess up the delicate balance of yin and yang. Making the girls all Eastern European starlets like the always welcome DORA VENTER and ANGELINA CROW, who parades around town with nothing more than an overgrown veil, is tops in our book. Ahhhh, romance is in the air. ANAL romance. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

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GINA LYNN'S DARKSIDE

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO & A HALF "I'm Ready For My ATM, Mr. Jordan" BUSTED NUTS

Now I know what they mean by "porn critic burnout," "being made temporarily gay," and "what an expensive rug that ho's getting skullfucked on." Five, eight, 11, 13, 15, 17 sausages (LEXINGTON STEELE has to count as two, at least) for Ms. Lynn to play her skin flute symphonia magnum hopus pocus, and that's goddamned talent.

WE NOTE THAT HEALTH CARE IN AMERICA SEEMS TO BE TAKING A GODDAMNED TURN FOR THE BETTER THANKS TO THE CAREFUL MOUTH SEX MINISTRATIONS OF THE FLORENCE NIGHTENGALESQUE GINA LYNN

Sure, sure, some pricks throb in more than one scene, but am I really supposed to keep track of that, shit? What for? All I know is that all of those poles are headed for the same two holes, shows at six and nine each weeknight, on level four of the parking garage behind the Millwork Ramada Inn.

This is a double DVD, but the first one lists the contents of the second, rendering it superfluous. It warns of a "Jules Jordan Biography," but does he fellate in the round like GINA LYNN? You tell me!

There are brief flashes of inspired pornogstication, however. A Viagra-freebasing Eminem clone drips candle wax on his own wick. Two men rub out a kahlua and cream without the kahlua into a glass for Gina to knock back. Cometimes she doesn't just swallow right away, gargling sperm in the same way that John Mayer does to get his distinctive vocal style. They brought in BELLADONNA for the fishnet-shredding, wax-dripping first scene = SHE was an anal athlete -- a warmup to a cold career move.

Any slut worth her implants though is going to take on two, maybe three guys at a time. But Gina, see she's taking none up the darkside that matters the most: her bunghole. So there's always somebody left holding the baloney. Me, too. -- JIMMY THE G

Buy it NOW!

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TEEN CUM SQUAD

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Gimme A 'C'!!! For Coke, Crank & Cock" BUSTED NUTS

It’s time to talk Xs and Os. But mostly Xs, if you catch our drift.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? PETITE GETS CALLED FOR HOLDING? UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS? UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT? LET'S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE

All six freaks in this picture are bona fide, first team All-American letterwomen, earning this honor by out-taking the competition as far as vast amounts of spooge landing on their faces might possibly be concerned.

And any game plan worthy of the toilet paper it's written on should have PATRICIA PETITE as the main playmaker. We’ve been in love with this French-Canadian slut since her BREAKIN' 'EM IN debut, and our only dissatisfaction is that we’ve seen so little of her since.

We have been seeing a good amount of SATIVA ROSE, who’s growing more and more into her role of charming, cum-fueled starlet soon to have an unsupportable meth habit.

The video is a little wanky, if you pardon the terminology. One or more dudes fuck the girl, and then 5+ anonymous guys walk in off camera and unload. Cool if you like cum-glazed faces; a bit of a passer if you find it merely droll. Go, team! -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/223050.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

CUM IN A CUP

Baby Doll

Rating: THREE "The Elusive, Cold Anal Turkey" BUSTED NUTS

Day 2 of this writer’s personal quest to convert to vagiterianism. That is to say, anal abstinence. No ass fucking, rimming, or going nearing to the hole of corn. Today’s meal: CUM IN A CUP.

STACY THORN: EVERY ROSE HAS ONE. A SPERM-SLURPING ONE, BUT ONE NONETHELESS

Produced by Baby Doll, this video attempts to provide a more cotton candy-flavored addition to the whole “ejaculate in a receptacle and make a woman drink it” thing. ‘Cept here, there’s no butt matter to spice things up. Curse you, frigid anal turkey!

OK, OK, I’ve been found out. There still is a bit of anal in the video. I’m only human, dammit! But for the most part, Cum in a Cup adheres pretty closely to the regimen the doc gave me. Vaggie sex with ROSE, hard-bodied JOLEAN, and pretty tittied BROOKE.

Well, at least it’s a lot more fun than that cumming in a cup I did for my sperm count test. -- STEELY ROB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/224319.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

CUM GUZZLERS #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: TWO & A HALF "With The God Of Snake Handlers As My Witness" BUSTED NUTS

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Or so the saying goes. So, it almost goes without saying, though it will be said anyway, that Christian fundamentalists will approve of the highly touted boast that “no drop of cum gets wasted” in CUM GUZZLERS #2.

This movie is like a fucking volleyball game. Let the sperm hit the ground, and you’re out.

Or something.

HELP ME WANDA, YEAH, GET HER OUT OF MY BED. MS. CURTIS ABOUT TO DON HER ANTI-CUM SPECS FOR AN EVENING OF HEAVY SPELUNKING

WANDA CURTIS, who first was exploded onto in a scene at least eight years ago in a string of quality PRIVATE movies, is back. And she looks more mature and hotter somehow -- long, slender limbs and toned bod, although her full rack of ribs behind her massive knockers will always be a bit unnerving. Thing is, she seems to have lost her anal powers. Weird for someone who was at the top of Private’s Euro fucking list for so long.

Spooge conservation aside, Cum Guzzlers 2 is severely lacking compared to the unbridled fuckfest that was the first installment of the series. We’re still recovering from that one. But this one’s okaaaaay... I mean, ROXY JEZEL is always a welcome sight and sound, and the action’s pretty hot, but the bar was raised too damn high.

Hey, porn imitates Hollywood for once. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/223078.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME CELEBRATES THE 12 DAYS OF X-MAS & THE JEWTASTIC FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS WITH A CORONA, A BONG MADE OUT OF AN APPLE, A HO AND NATURALLY, A JEW. BUT JEW HO'S ASIDE: HAPPY CHAKAKHAN. CHAKA KHAN. CHAKA KHAN.

"As far as the future looking bright, being very much a player hater I would not be able to write about such a topic until if, and when, everyone on Earth is doing much worse than me. Since that is statistically impossible I will apply myself to, oh so subtley, shitting all over everything and everyone." -- A DEEPLY DISTURBED ITALIAN SAL

IN THE SPIRIT OF HOLIDAY GIVING IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT SAL'S ENTIRE WORLDVIEW HAS BEEN SHAPED BY THIS TWO SECOND BIT OF CELLULOID. "HERE YOU GO BABY...FOR CHRISTMAS: CITRUS!!!

THE 12 DAYS OF A FUCKING SKULLGAME CHRISTMAS

On the first day of X-Mas PARIS HILTON gave to me, a nice case of fucking VD.

DON'T FAKE THE FUNK, BABY. INSERT COCK. BOB HEAD. WHAT? WE GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

On the second day of CHAKAKHAN. CHAKA KHAN. CHAKA KHAN...J.LOPEZ gave to me, TWO juggled nuts plus another case of fucking VD.

YEAHHH. THREE OR FOUR FLOPS IN THE BANK & BABY DOLL'LL DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING. NOW CAN WE GET A PICTURE UP HERE OF HER WITH A COCK IN HER MOUTH?

On the third day of Chachimas ANNA NICOLE SMITH gave to me, three previously digested French hens, two juggled nuts and yet again some more fucking VD.

THE SASH AROUND HER NECK? I THINK IT READS "DONUTS!" WHY?

On the fourth day of a day where I find out I've been mispelling Chanukah, SHANNON gave to me, four dispiritingly ineffective outcalling ho's, three previously digested French hens, two juggled nuts and a now penicillined former case of VD.

SHANNON WAS A TANTRIC SEX WORKER WHO WAS DISSAPOINTED THAT ALL WE WERE INTERESTED IN WAS LOADS & HOW TO GET RID OF THEM

On the fifth day of the Black Sabbath TOMMY LEE gave to me, fiiiivvvveee fingers squeezed into a fist. Four cheap ho's, three rotten birds, two juggled nuts and a curiously recurring case of VD.

TOMMY LEE AS A GAY MIME. WHICH IS, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, LIKE SAYING THE SAME THING TWICE. NO WAIT...THREE TIMES!

On the sixth day of HeadSliceAllahAkbarMas, CHANTAL CLARET gave to me, six fat crackheads rifling through my shit, five shots to the jaw, four nasty ho's of which she counted herself amongst them, three buckets of Popeye's fried chicken, two juggled nuts and just about the worst goddamned case I've ever seen of fucking VD.

SLOSHY & THE SLOSHES? YEAH. MUCH BETTER BAND NAME THAN MORNINGWOOD

On the seventh day of Kwanzaabananarama, GINGER LYNN she gave to me, seven sluts a sluicing through pools of semen, six chuck taylor wearing sneak thieves, five fucking fingers, four baleful bitches, three KFCs, two juggled nuts and a narrowly averted case of HIV.

WE LOOKED IN THE DICTIONARY UNDER THE WORDS "DESPERATE" & "HO" & "CHARLIE SHEEN" AND THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK WE FOUND: GINGER LYNN PRAYING FOR RAIN

 
On the eighth day of Christkillermass, LINDSAY LOHAN gave to me, eight bumps of whatever she huffed that day, seven more of her semen slicked friends, six NY crackheads, five fisted homotastic love plungers, four huffy ho's, three French bitches, two juggled nuts and an unidentified lump on my PeePee.

HEROIN. IT DOES A BODY GOOD.

On the ninth day of George Chakiris, PAMELA ANDERSON gave to me...a blowjob.

AND SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING VEGETARIAN? WE CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT

On the 10th day of Liberace, KOBE BRYANT gave to me, 10 gaylords a'leaping over hotel room chairs to get to our ass, nine strippers, eight lactating huffmonkeys, seven sluts a'semening, six fat non-singing slampounds, five TOMMY LEE IS GAY t-shirts. Four stank ho's, three chicken bones, two busted balls and some bomb-ass pussy for free.

KOBE & WIFE: PRACTICING THE ANCIENT CHINESE ART OF JERKITAGE

On the 11th day of WishIWasAnyWhereButHomemas, BRITNEY SPEARS gave to me 11 crackpipers piping, 10 fags a'fucking, nine "No BRET MICHAELS didn't just fuck my wife, did he?" realizing, eight big jugged nuthuggers, seven glazing donuts, six late night phone calls from drunk bitches ringing, five more TOMMY LEE IS GAY t-shirts. Four budget ho's, three chicken mcnuggets, two bowling balls and a syringe full of steroids for me.

OOPS I DID ANOTHER BAG OF FRITOS. AGAIN.

And on the goddamned last day of Christmas, TOM CRUISE & TOM SIZEMORE gave to me 12 totally non-gay men named Ramon giving us a quick rubdown before yet another stilted evening of heteroshamuality, 11 pipelayers laying pipe, 10 inches of the never-ending pageantry of faggotry over at Casa Cruise, nine BRET MICHAELS IS KINDA GAY TOO shirts. Eight teen titqueens that will never appear in a Tom Cruise movie. Seven if CHARLIE SHEEN banged her and I bang her that's almost like me banging Charlie Sheen AL BORDA-ing, six fagaleh hagaleh broads Chantaling, fivveeeee fingers of Tommy Lee deep in TERRELL OWENS' ass, four dirty JUSTIN TIMBERLAKEESQUE man ho's, three chickenhawk taters, two teabagged nuts and an unquestionably delivered case of VD.

WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?! I'M DOING A, UM, NEW MOVIE...NO. SERIOUSLY. WE'RE SPIES IN THE SWISH ALPS. AND WE DO A LOT OF SKIING & STUFF

NEXT WEEK: THE SKULLGAME GUIDE TO USHERING IN THE NEW YEAR INCARCERATED!!!

FUCKING, WE MEAN TRUCKING, IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR GODDAMNED HEALTH

A 55-year-old truck driver from Chicago cut off his penis at the Flying J Truck Stop in Clearbrook — though investigators are not sure how long it happened before rescue crews arrived. Deputies said they arrived Tuesday morning and found the man with blood on his hands, Frederick County Sheriff’s Office Capt. John Heflin said. Maj. Robert C. Eckman said the man, whose name and trucking company is not being released, had been staying in his truck at the Flying J since Friday. “The trucker used a knife to cut off his penis, then wrapped it in a plastic bag, and put it in a Dumpster near his truck," Eckman said. OH, well...

SAKURA ANGEL

Angels & Asian Schoolgirl Sluts:

Just in time for the holidays

221124

MYSTERY DATE. ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR MYSTERY DATE?

WILL SHE BE A DREAMBOAT? OR A TUG?

LET ME TAKE YOUR TEMPERATURE AGAIN, GRAN. OOOO...YOU'RE RUNNING KIND OF HOT TONIGHT...

Things been kinda slow around The Skull what because of the holidays. People slogging egg nog, hanging mistletoe from the cameltoe, and balling the decks with holly's jollies and what not. Translation: we're going through an intense pussy dryspell hitting now, upward of THREE DAYS without NEW and FRESH and something vaguely resembling PUSSY.

So what to do?

Go straight to the online dating forum for old, desperate ho's. There is no shame in this. The only shame is in letting the spell continue unabated. I mean God forbid you should not fuck a new woman once a week. Anyways, my ad goes up. The responses come in. And next thing I know...I'm knuckle deep in a 52-year-old secretary.

Jesus I love these old broads.

I mean in their desperate struggle to the death with imaginary 20 year old sluts they've attained a near critical level of amazing fuckitude. Just what THE DOCTOR ordered on day FOUR of The Amazing Pussy Famine.

"Hoover me, turkey neck."

"Ohhhh...I love it when you treat me like a teenage slut."

Whatever.

But it worked for me. It'll work for you. Unless you got something against the papery thin, dry, smooth senior citizen skin that's so much a lasting part of it all.

Ahhhhhh....

AMAZING ASIAN ASS

Vivid

Rating: FOUR "Amazingly Amazed That Vivid Made This" BUSTED NUTS

I love them Asian bitches. Now some mooks like Asian bitches because they've seen the size of Japanese condoms and figure they got it made. Translation: Little boy you're a man, little man you're a king.

Somes that like Asian bitches do it because of the whole Geisha-She-Will-Serve-Me-Tea-and-Cocksuckings trip. No backsass. Yessir, no sir shit. Yeah. Well having tripped the twat fantastic with a few Asian bitches or 10 I can tell you that this won't last long.

KOBE TAI PAYING IT FORWARD WITH A PITY FUCK FOR YOURS TRULY. IN MY VAN NO LESS.

So finally there's somes like me that like Asian broads because they remind me of elves. Or pixies. Or cats. Make that pussycats. You know magical, fantastical beings that are nearly not so wearisome as white broads (when was the last time you heard an Asian chick, and this I just fucking heard, say some shit like "well I expect to be treated like a princess because I am.") and that when caught in their native habitat are likely to yield at least a few good fuckings before asking you about how much money you make.

And so it goes that this Vivid vid, AMAZING ASIAN ASS, is just that: amazing because it's Vivid and it doesn't suck. Amazing because it features every damned near permutation of Asian ass. That would be 95 pound chicks with 15 pounds of fake titties. That would be the well-worn but still goddamned ache worthy KOBE TAI. That would be enough Busted Nuttery to be responsible for several naps and several subsequent trips to the laundry room.

That would be a goddamned A-OK Friday fucking night for me. Now's where the Pakistani pussy on here?!?! ASIA!!!! Note to Vivid: LOOK AT YOUR GODDAMNED GLOBE NEXT TIME AROUND. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/211197.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE KARL MALONE CHAT: THE MAILMAN EXPLAINS WHAT HAPPENED WITH ALL OF THAT SO-CALLED ASSFUCKING & DISHES ON MADONNA & KOBE BRYANT'S PENCHANT FOR WHITE WOMAN ASS STARRING PARIS HILTON IN THE ROLE OF: ASS

And from the SkullGame mailbag and in response to the first installment of the KOBE BRYANT "SURE I FUCKED THE HOTEL SLUT IN THE ASS BUT KARL MALONE MADE ME DO IT" Series, we have an ANGRY letter from a mincing, flouncingly outraged nut gummer

I GARGLE BALLS. AND I'M ANGRY!!! NOT ABOUT GARGLING BALLS!!! BUT ABOUT HAVING THE WORLD KNOW I GARGLE BALLS

"Dear Assholes at SkullLame: It's easy to make fun of what you know nothing about. But I think you fags just need to get over it. You'll never be as great as Kobe is on his worst day. Bitches." -- And if you need him? Yup. He was stupid enough to leave his email address: Atomant502@aol.com

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: RESPONDING TO THE OVERRIDING STENCH OF NUT GUMMERY, MEWLING & KOBE APOLOGIA

LET ME FUCKING REPHRASE THAT...

How to get laid. A Love Story. That ain't fucking, that's the way you do it. Pullin' down your pants on the MTV.  I find it interesting that the Judge is so selective in enforcing that protection order. I mean, when I grabbed you, you were just as close to me as I was to you. It's not you, it's me. I like to be more of a plan B kind of guy. You know what I mean right? Now, are you gonna lend me that money or what? How can you suck someone's cock by mistake!?!  Thank you, very much.

KARL MALONE SPEAKS IN A SKULLGAME SCOOP AIDED AND ABETTED BY OUR DEAR FRIEND JOHN SALLEY

OK. LOOK. I'LL JUST FUCK HER IN THE ASS ONCE, AND I WILL NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN. JESUS. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

Calls were made and before we knew it we had KARL "THE BONE" MALONE on the phone. He goes by many names The Mailman. Karl. Mr. Malone. But mostly THE BONE. And so it was that we had a few stolen moments alone with Mr. Malone regarding the recent assfucking brouhaha.

SkullGame: So KOBE is a snitch. Does there remain any doubt?

Karl Malone: It's not so much the snitch part that bothers me. Well, wait, that bothers me too. It bothers me less because I didn't do anything that he could have snitched me out for. But mostly I just feel like that guy who picked up a snake when everybody told him it was a snake and then gets bitten. I guess I thought it couldn't happen to me. And, of course, it did.

SG: That Vanessa bitch got his head all fezzed up. Like a motherfucking martini shaker...

KM: EXACTLY. That's what I'm saying. I'm also saying that that hotel slut ain't the only one who was giving up the culo.

SG: Aw, shit....Come on...Tell me.

KM: The whole time I heard him talking I thought he was talking about a goddamned hotel in FRANCE. Shit. Then I see him all up in here with that bitch. Guess who? Fuck it, I'll tell you. That bitch with the cock in her mouth from the TV. PARIS HILTON. Anyways, the Frito Ass Bandito found out and so I guess he felt like he needed to throw me under the wheels of the bus.

SG: Acting like it's his first piece of pussy.

KM: Well you know it just MIGHT be.

SG: Uh oh. What he's famous for Ladies and Genitals...The Shot. But seriously Karl [voice dropping an octave in total life and death drug dealer fashion], how was that chucifrito ass?

KM: Hey man...

SG: Don't go all fag on us, man...I got the tape player running. You drop some salsa on that hiz-ass? You pull up to the bumper on that Momi? You do the Mexican hat dance around her chocha? Don't make me get any more bilingual then I am...shit...

[It is at this point that the cellphone accidentally disconnected.]

THE FINAL NAIL DRIVEN INTO DIRECTOR GUY RITCHIE'S CAREER

"NOW THAT OUGHT TO DO IT." "THANK YOU, DEAR."

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Madonna's director husband Guy Ritchie, in a move that signals the last rusty nail being pounded into the coffin of his erstwhile career, plans to talk to British Prime Minister Tony Blair about the Kaballah, the porkchop preacher equivalent of Judaism.

The "Snatch" filmmaker reportedly, still coasting off of the fumes of that five year old movie, has contacted Blair to arrange a meeting to discuss what appears to be only the tip of a much more gooned out iceberg: the healing properties of Kaballah Water, which he believes, in a burst of non-linear thinking, would be useful in treating the injured in Iraq.

A close source explains, "Madonna said it even cured Guy's verrucas. Which Guy believed. So Guy wants to tell the Prime Minister about the fantastic healing powers of Kaballah Water, which could instantly cure wounded soldiers in Iraq. Though it seems to work not so well on things like careers."

FILE UNDER: RUINING IT FOR EVERYBODY

When the online relationship between two teens went sour, a private sexual encounter suddenly became very public. Now a 16-year-old boy from Ancaster, Ont., faces child pornography charges and a 16-year-old girl could have an embarrassing image hang over her head forever. The boy is alleged to have recorded the girl engaging in a sex act each performed in front of Web cams. Police say the pair had a falling out and the boy sought revenge by e-mailing the video to his friends. It's the modern-day equivalent of the lovelorn scrawling nasty graffiti on the bathroom wall.

EXPOSE ROSE

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: THREE "Anal Abstinence" BUSTED NUTS

My health hasn’t been so good lately. The doc says I’ve been into too much anal (DOING it. Not GETTING done to, by the by). As hard as it is, he’s recommending a diet of strict vagiterianism. It’s gonna be rough.

I mean, no anal in sex is like beef stew and hold the beef. Only vagitables? Give me strength.

BRITTNEY SKYE: SHE'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER

The doc said double vag was on the menu. No thank you, I said, I don’t wanna become gay as well as lame.

So I started my one SkullGame week plan with EXPOSE ROSE. Ok, I didn’t go cold turkey right away. There is a little anal in here. But the rest is straight vanilla. One on one. Pussy loving. The way God created us to do it.

God didn’t create silicone breast implants, though. And there are a bunch of these floating around. Such a shame, too, ‘cause cover girl ROSE is a beautiful woman. Why’d she have to go and mess up a perfectly good thing?

Cherry Boxxx is certainly banking on your taking to Rose. If you have already, you’re gonna be happy, ‘cause she’s in three fucking scenes here. Pussy eating, tender, pretty sex. It’s time for a little bit of a softer, gentler porn diet. Of vagitables. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/215102.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

FREAKS OF THE INDUSTRY #5

Darkside Entertainment

Rating: TWO "Gabba, Gabba Hey, My Ass" BUSTED NUTS

Sex is like fresh air to most people.

But to a freak?

Well, to them it's like LSD or ketamine: A way to achieve total derangement of the mind-body duality. While this disc wastes a lot of bytes on the adult film industry, I saw nothing freakish in its sex acts. Sure, LUCY PURL tries to enliven a bum fucking with a little strangulation, by her partner and then by and on herself, but it's not at all convincing. I'm no freak, and I've chokefucked chicks purple (at their behest). Lucy was just trying another route to getting it over with. Soon.

IS SKY JOLIE AS MUCH OF A VIKINGS' FAN AS WE ARE FANS OF ASS? SPECIFICALLY, HERS? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW

So 1.8 of the TWO busted nuts I gave this fiasco go to CARAMEL, who, if freak she be, she's so only because of how ill-equipped she is to take that big bone penetrating her. Not very slutlike, but a refreshing contrast to the mannequin DOMINIQUE, for whom fucking is no more distracting than a tampon. Pretty, yes, but where's the freaking freak? SKY JOLIE is no fox, but she can at least work her ample ass, while MARY JANE squats on the sidelines. Freaks would make a two-girl threeway turn bisexual, but this barely gets to sexual.

With that out of the way, I'd like to take this opportunity to out MR. STARKS as a caucasian. He makes this obvious when he refers to eating shrimp at Red Lobster as "you know, ballin'." If he isn't already producing rap videos, it's clear he'd prefer to versus, you know, making porno (see how the menu calls bonus footage "bootlegs and B-sides"). But the overload of urban flava, coupled with the lack of freak sex, led me to turn off the sound and put on Stockhausen's Momente. Now that's freaky, but not in a porno sense. (Go ahead, try jacking off to THAT.)

Actually, I'm not even confident about calling this DVD porn. With a white dude producing a box cover claiming "ALL BLACK!", and a cameo appearance by DOLEMITE in the beginning, blaxploitation is the name of the game here. And while I like Mr. Moore's acting style, this movie's main shortcoming is that the people in it fuck like actors in a Dolemite film act. -- JIMMY THE G

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/211873.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

CUM SUMPTION COCKTAILS

Colossal Entertainment

Rating: THREE "I Give It To Lucy, She Give Me Some Pussy" BUSTED NUTS

CUM SUMPTION COCKTAILS is the natural progression of porn in the realm of What Will They Do Next?

AUDREY HOLLANDER & SOME SKULLGAME KNOWN ASSOCIATES DOING GOD KNOWS THE FUCK WHAT

In this case that is what seems to be having girls fucked by multiple guys who blow their respective loads into said girls' mouths, and face, after which she spits and scrapes all the various loads into a cup that she then upends and gargles over and over with for the camera and the appreciative viewing public.

Still reading?

I guess you’re into this then. This movie features stand-out performances by JAZZMIN, VANESSA LANE, JULIE NIGHT and AUDREY HOLLANDER. It also has cover girl LUCY THAI in a scene packed with so much rough stuff it actually made me a bit squeamish. Or guilty. Or both.

The Lucy Thai scene also had some ass-to-pussy-and-back-to-ass action that had me wondering if, and how bad of an infection she got. Can anyone say Urinary Tract Infection?

Try it: Urinary Tract Infection.

Exactly. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/221797.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SAKURA ANGEL

Video Team

Rating: FIVE "I’d Give A 10 If I Could But I Can’t So I Won’t" BUSTED NUTS

Who says you can’t have a movie with great sex and a great story line?

I know, I know, Digital Playground tries it all the time, but their stuff sucks.

Well this isn’t Digital Playground and this doesn’t suck. Video Team has put together a movie that mirrors real life in some respect; granted it’s the life I wish I lead, but it certainly has some aspects of reality jam packed with all the jealousy and pettiness that usually goes with it.

NYOMI MARCELA, ATTEMPTING TO INDUCE US TO PUNCH STRANGERS IN THE FACE IN LIGHT OF THE FACT THAT SHE'S A TOTAL SLUT & WE STILL WON'T GET TO FUCK HER.

SAKURA ANGEL features the most believable lesbian I have ever seen in a movie, NYOMI MARCELA and VERONICA LYNN. (Realize I generally hate these types of scenes but I loved this one.) A two chicks and a dick scene starring KYLIE REY and ANNIE CRUZ that had all the stress that goes with it in real life. Trust me, I been there. And last but not least a scene that was as far fetched as it was well acted; starring LUCY THAI and NAKIA TY in a five-way three-guy two-girl fuckfest that most assuredly will have you coming for the wine and staying for the cheese.

Did I like it? No. I loved it!!!! -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/221124.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NASTY NYMPHOS #30

Anabolic

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "Ass Blast From The Past" BUSTED NUTS

Sorry if I can’t help getting all misty with the nostalgia, but seeing some of these women of careers past back again... well, I need a hanky.

NASTY NYMPHOS is about digging up old scenes that we believe have never been seen before and compiling ‘em for your pervertific pleasure.

JUSTINE ROMEE'S ASS AWAITING FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS

For various reasons, the most important of which have to do with sex appeal and the love of the fuck, the women here are amazing. Start off with MINA, the sexy talking, un-be-fucking-lievably bodied Hungarian temptress. Then check out JUSTINE ROMEE, who’s not the classic beauty, but who’s got that special something. She’s talking sexy, and then next shot she’s got VINCE VOUYER’s cock in her ass. Beautiful.

MONICA SWEETHEART is a more recent fave, and ANDREA LOVEJOY, with stunning, flaxen hair, should be.

And it’s nothing short of justice that the worst scene of the vid is with the utter dog of the group, MOLLY ROME, who clearly hates any predicament that she finds herself in on this picture. Definitely get it for the other five ladies. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/214575.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NICKY STARK'S IN THE THICK #11

Darkside Entertainment

Rating: THREE "I'm Not Ready For This Jelly" BUSTED NUTS

"THICK GIRLS NEED LOVE TOO" is what it says on the back of the box. If these girls got into porn to find love, what they get is amazement and appreciation of their considerable rumps. I like the ass, but why make an ass movie without anal? Maybe it's hidden in the bonus sections, but I've got my hands full, and will put down neither my pecker, nor my pipe, to pick up the remote.

IN THE THICK OF WHAT??!? OHHHH....I SEEEE....

How much is too much? CHEROKEE is exactly that much. The guy who bones her bemoans the paucity of like-sized booty in California, how pornographers have to recruit "talent" from Texas and Alabama. But CHEROKEE's butt is like two Volkswagen Beetles parked next to each other after a demolition derby.
Neither of the two couches she poses or fucks on look sufficiently upholstered when she's on them.

The third scene, with CINNAMON, is where the booty action heats up. Her cheeks, once set in motion, have their own contagious momentum, with
ripples that transmit over to the couch. I had to make sure it wasn't a
water bed -- no, it's the power of her butt, distorting the fabric of space and time.

The fourth and final scene is a two-doll threeway, booty heaven for sure. Once you get past the interminable interview section, which establishes LEXI as a lesbian (how likely is it to lose one's virginity to TT BOY?), you're treated to a scene that is structured to reassure us that it's only porno. The guy keeps socks and a baseball cap on for as long as possible. When the hat falls off, LEXI puts it on. We get the idea. Jealous, castrating, dykes, it's just a job. -- JIMMY THE G

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IN THE BITINGEST OF IRONIES KOBE BRYANT SAYS "WHEN KARL MALONE TRIED TO ASSFUCK MY WIFE. OVER A CHAIR. I HAD TO PUT MY COCK, I MEAN MY FOOT, DOWN." PLUS SHARON STONE STILL HIGH & KRAVITZ STILL A BLACK VAGINA FINDER

But in this our first installment of WE LIKED THEM BETTER WHEN THEY WERE SHIFTY BOMB DROPPING FASCISTS we cite Japan as a place most in need of a new set of balls. Male ones. Big, giant, male ones. Ones so big you'd break your fucking neck if you fell off of one.

I...I...I LUV YOU MOMMY!!!

TOKYO (SkullGame) -- Japanese men who want to rest their weary heads from the extraordinary weight of 60 years of testicle-less living this Christmas season are finding comfort in the lap of a woman -- a woman made of foam, for chrissakes. The torso-less "lap pillow" stands upright like a small cushion, resembles a woman's legs in a miniskirt, and mocks the very men who use it in ways still not fully understood by them.

"Single men find this soothing," said Mitsuo Takahashi of Trane KK. "From the time people were kids, people have laid their heads on their mothers' hot fucking mini-skirted laps to get their ears cleaned," he said. "This is made to be quite close to the real thing. And almost as disturbing." So far the company has shipped about 3000 of the sets of laps, which are retailing for about $90 including tax.

ASS FUCKER KOBE BRYANT RESENTS KARL MALONE'S OLD COLLEGE TRY AT ASS FUCKING THE ASS FUCKER'S WIFE, VANESSA BRYANT, AN APPARENT FAN OF ASS FUCKING.

VANESSA BRYANT LOOKING FOR SOME PLACE TO PLACE HER FUCKING ASS. NOTE: THE $4 MILLION RING THAT ASSFUCKING BOUGHT

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- VANESSA BRYANT, wife of alleged assfucking lunatic and basketball star KOBE BRYANT invited KARL MALONE, who was wearing cowboy boots and a hat, to bring his daughter to sit with her during a game.

Eyeing his outfit, she said popped off with some rude shit like, "Hey cowboy, what are you hunting?"

Malone, after Vanessa Bryant repeated the indelicate question, answered, "I'm hunting for little Mexican girls. With hot pussies. That fuck."

Vanessa Bryant is, it should be noted, a little Mexican girl. After the game, she told Kobe Bryant that Malone had hit on her and called her an "assfucking spic ho."

Bryant, falling for the oldest non-assfucking related dodge in the book, called Malone and responded with threats and called the next day to make more threats. "Nigga!?!? Has you fucking lost your mind?!?! NO one fucks my wife in the ass but me. You unnerstand, bitch?"

Malone, through his agent, said he didn't hit on Bryant's wife and apologized for his remark. "I apologize for asking her to let me ass fuck her. I guess I was mistaken on the whole ass fucking thing. Mostly because Kobe is such an inveterate ass fucker. I did not fuck her ass and should not have even asked to fuck her ass. And it is this that I regret. The ass fucking, I mean."

SHARON STONE STONED. CLEARLY. SUES HER PLASTIC SURGEON FOR BEING HER PLASTIC SURGEON.

THESE ARE STILLS FROM MY UPCOMING MOVIE, "EGGS & SAUSAGES"

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- SHARON STONE is suing a plastic surgeon, accusing him of "harming" her "career" by "falsely" telling reporters she had visited him for a facelift. The "star", "46", was horrified when she read Dr. Renato Calabria's testimony in In Touch Weekly and Us Weekly magazines, and has filed a suit in Los Angeles superior court.

The lawsuit states, "Stone has never undergone a facelift in order to improve her physical appearance. [She] prides herself not only on her 'acting' 'ability' and other 'talents', but also on her 'natural' physical appearance."

The actress claimed negative publicity about physical appearance and not her aggressive penchant for crapass movies "has had a damaging impact on her professional reputation and ability to obtain work in the film industry."

Whatever.

LENNY KRAVITZ UNCOVERS A PREVIOUSLY UNCOVERED LODE OF THE LAST REMAINING UNFUCKED PUSSY ON HIS GOOD GREEN EARTH

LET ME TELL YA 'BOUT WHITE CHICKS.....

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Rocker LENNY KRAVITZ is taking a break from his self-appointed task of fucking every woman who holds still long enough TO be fucked, and is following in the footsteps of fellow "musicians" Gwen Stefani, Damon Dash, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs and Jennifer Lopez by releasing his own clothing line designed to lure in yet even more pussy.

The crafty Black Jew is reportedly in talks with former Gucci designer Tom Ford to create the fashion collection, according to Britain's the Sun newspaper.

A fashion insider says, "Lenny will sell some clothes he's built up over the years to attract pussy BEFORE he had money. He'll also design some of his own outfits that currently have proved most advantageous in drawing in pussy and sell it through upmarket London stores like Harvey Nichols, where we're quite sure many pieces of purchasing pussy will walk through the doors and into a private audience with His Cockness."

SKULLGAME TO NEW JERSEY: PLEASE CALL!!!

New Jersey's heroin was found to be the purest in the nation for the second straight year, a dubious distinction that has sparked concern in the medical and law enforcement communities. Federal Drug Enforcement Agency tests of heroin samples obtained from New Jersey streets showed 71.4 percent purity in 2002, nearly twice the national average. In the 2003 report, due out soon, New Jersey again will hold the top spot, DEA spokesman Rusty Payne told The Star-Ledger of Newark. "You can't buy any better heroin in the world than you can buy in New Jersey," said special agent Michael Pasterchick.

BOMBARDED WITH SPERM

Black Widow Productions

Rating: ONE "Operation Barbarossa = Bad Idea" BUSTED NUTS

This movie is touted as "Germany’s Best Ultra Hardcore." Germany, a country known for its high degree of sensitivity and love of all things fire related, actually HAS Best Ultra Hardcore. Germany, I think, has no German equivalent of either BEST or ULTRA. Which just goes to show you that when you’re the best turd in a pile of turds you're probably still a turd. And invariably...this movie is a turd.

IT'S RAINING MEN. WELL, PARTS OF THEM AT LEAST.

Featuring only one female to...I don’t know…20 guys? You see, normally this is a ratio I could deal with, hell, prefer even, however the female in this, CISSIE something or other. Yeah, she is disturbing to say the least.

Problem ONE: The cum shots are poorly delivered, some even landing far short of her face. You should never have a wasted cum shot in a bukkake video. Never.

Problem TWO: The cum shots are poorly choreographed. You got guys here and there, shooting loads out of turn. First rule of any gangbang and/or bukkake video: knowing one's place in line.

Problem THREE: The dubbing. Done in the same style as pretty much anything pre-1990: a dubbed-in moaning track that is essentially a 5-second moan on a continuous loop. As if this isn't bad enough, the moan sometimes continues even when her mouth is closed or even talking to someone offset, which begs the question: was the AUDIO guy even watching the movie?

Yeah. Probably about as much as I did. -- ITALIAN SAL

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STEVE HOLMES' SUPER SLUTS

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "IS That What Friends Are Fucking For?" BUSTED NUTS

OK. Picture this: You’re hanging with your super nasty, pig British girlfriend, who’s as sloppy as she is keen on pleasing you as many ways as sexually imaginable. Now imagine she’s got two hot as hell girlfriends lying around who lasciviously lift their skirts up at you with a wave of Miss Piggy’s hand. The question is, what would you do?

ANGELINA CROW SHARING. AND SHARING ALIKE. HER ASS.

If your answer is, “call two of my buddies over to help me fuck ‘em,” you’re fired.

And inexplicably, that’s what STEVE HOLMES does. On three separate fucking occasions, no less. Oh, well, at least he didn’t call his guy friends over and then tell the girls to go home. So it could have been worse.

And the babes are a fine example of the ever flourishing Euro crop. ANGELINA CROW, LARA CROFT, CORINA, and SANDRA ROMAIN, who’s always up for an ass stuffing of Olympic proportions.

Poor, poor Steve Holmes, though. We think he might have been dropped on his head recently, or all the fucking has robbed his brain of the full, necessary oxygen in order to function properly. His aforementioned girlfriend, ISABEL ICE, lets him pick one girl to fuck out of 11 that parade in, naked, and many of whom give him a little sucky-sucky preview. Well, he doesn’t pick the one we’d have picked, and we daresay that he doesn’t pick the one you would have picked, either. A damn fine vid nonetheless. -- STEELY ROB

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JUSTIN SLAYER'S BIG BOOTY WHITE GIRLS

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Fetish? What Fetish?" BUSTED NUTS

It says "Slayer" on the box cover, as in Justin Slayer Productions. But Justin's corporate logo has more to do with KOBE BRYANT than some death metal pioneers. So I'm still waiting for a Third Reich necro orgy set in hell.

MELANIE CRUSH MUNCHING ON A HAMBONE

But this is being sold as a "fetish" video, apparently. However, I want to add that a considerable percentage of the women out there actually HAVE asses like these hoes do. You see, sluts are less likely to be surgically augmented in the gluteal, by which I mean ASSAL, region than up front in the likewise TITTYAL region. Which is to say for those less asstute in the ways of medical terminology: it's more normal than your typical boob-job betty. So fetish, wha?

Anyways, the scenes begin with Buttmanesque ass-worship segments, then segue quickly to all-out action-adventure fucking. MELANIE CRUSH gets that high pina colonic tooling, too deep for the term "anal" to do it justice. Another ass that pat phrases fail to describe is LUISA ROSSO's, wherein "warts and all" insufficiently catalogs her blemished posterior. I guess this is the fetish part: her pimply rear encased in pleather chaps wasting my time.

However, SOMINA is, below the waist, something more than just herself. I mean, that's a lot of ass for a little woman! And she's beautiful, the opposite of MIA BANG, who's simply nasty. She's got plenty of back, but she's just dumpy, without being at all obese. Isn't that cool? Big, dumpy ass, but not FAT. Oh, God forbid.

ISOBEL has a round, fisheye lens-enhanced backside, and she does it all
beneath a fire escape. Her lily-white bottom gets all besmirched from the asphalt-pounding she takes. Once again, I don't call the public sex angle a fetish, just a fuck.

No midgets, clowns, dungeons, scat, or fuckbots, so I have to call it as I fucking see it. Non-fetishistically speaking, that is. -- JIMMY THE G

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/220627.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

INCUMMING #2

Diabolic

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Fap Fap FUCK OFF" BUSTED NUTS

There be nuttin' like a chick crawling up some stairs to get me cock a'roaring. A chick with big fake tits, including pretty low boob scarring. Oh yeah, and a paycheck too, to get things started. But a chick none the less (hey...I read SkullGame...I know what such gossip's going around about me and trannies and Dave Dietrich and such). Yup. That's what I'll be focusing on. That and my handshake. And the cock sucking. Very much the cocksucking.

YEAH. SPEAKING OF WHICH, I'D LOVE TO SEE KATIE KALIANA WITH A KOCK IN HER MOUTH...

And as it turns out, a little of that fapping noise in the background.

Wait, what...

The sound that launched a thousand paranoid masturbators is, in fact, heard for a second in scene one. And that second is enough to either make you turn your head and be embarrassed that you held your cock in your hand AND jerked it with that sound coming out of your TV or...

You, much like me, are too fucking doped up to even notice anything besides those big fucking fake tits shaking around in the distant glare of your living room's TV.

So I am proud to present you a safe way of enjoying this video: with a handful of blow and a rolled-up 20. BECAUSE...

SKULLGAME SHOOTS & SCORES!!!!

-- this movie has men busting nuts inside cunts WITHOUT resulting loss of manhood and monthly wage

-- this movie has bubbly semen pussy farts

-- this movie has "KATIE KALIANA", who is a chubby grade A cock chugging SLUT who gets to eat man-ass.

See? I told you so. -- THE FLYING "HIGH" DUTCHMAN

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/213639.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH DENTISTS THESE DAYS?

A Bronx doctor who began performing oral sex on a patient while examining his genitals, pleaded guilty Thursday to sexual misconduct, prosecutors said. As part of a plea agreement, Brian Shaw, 42, of Wilton, Conn., will be sentenced to six years probation and is required to register as a sex offender, said Bronx District Attorney Robert Johnson. Sentencing was set for Feb. 2, 2005. The patient, a 49-year-old truck driver, had gone to the Throgs Neck Urgent Medical Care facility on Dec. 9, 2003, because of a rash on his chest.

CASH FOR COOZE: A FAIR X-CHANGE?

Yo Vinnie,
I needed some money. I asked a friend for it. And he gave it to me. But afterward he took out his penis and tried to make me suck it. He told me to jerk him off. He told me to pull my tits out so he could jerk off on them and so he did. I told him I had boyfriend. Why did he do this? I mean it was just a loan which I will pay back. So in the guy's mind I didn't owe this did I? -- Stunned (by email)

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS & INFLUENCE PEOPLE THROUGH SEMEN EXTRACTION

Dear STUNNED & SPOOGED: The mistake that you've made here is in thinking the money was a causative agent at all. In your causal universe, you filthy fucking slut, you, you have built bridges between your desperate need for cash, your ability to pay back said cash and your right to skip down The Path of Least Cocksistance.

No go.

You see any man anywhere that has anything at all to do with MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME will drive the same sort of bargain here given the following items: a car, a broad, and a broad apparently willing to have her tits jerked off upon. It's simple economics and the man in question was a gentlemen and a scholar because he could have done the total lowlife scumbag motherfucker thing and rubberbanded the bills to his balls and made you suck it to get paid.

This he did not do. As for the whole boyfriend issue, well we'll leave you to puzzle that out betwixt yourself, your God, and the 200,000 readers of this page, KATHY WOODS.

THE SKULLGAME "TAKE YOUR GODDAMNED HANDS OFFA ME ISSUE" WHEREIN WE EXAMINE MICHAEL JACKSON'S PORN, TOMMY LEE'S MAN ON MAN ACTION, PLUS: KATE HUDSON'S GROSSLY & SLUMMINGLY SATANIC STRIP JOINT VISIT

Brought to you by the ENGLISH BOB DEFENSE FUND: "Stripped jerseys SUCK! And so, in fact, do YOU, you wearer of a stripped jersey, you."

WHEN JUSTICE GETS ITS ASS KICKED, ONLY ASS KICKERS WILL GET JUSTICE. FREE BOB'S WILLY!!!

"KATE HUDSON IS A FILTHY FUCKING DIRTY PIECE OF SHIT," SAYS AN UNNAMED SOURCE NAMED RICH BURNETTE. "A REAL BUZZKILL BITCH."

AND FOR MY NEXT SATANIC TRICK...I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT A DREAM I HAD ABOUT BANANAS, CHIMPS NAMED REGGIE AND EGGS. BUT MOSTLY EGGS.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Almost Famous" star KATE HUDSON and her ex-junkie husband CHRIS ROBINSON enjoyed a rare night without their 11-month-old son Ryder -- when they went to a Los Angeles strip club in an effort to destroy the entire erotic premise of strip clubs down to its root core.

The couple left their baby son at home on December 3 to join their pal BENICIO DEL TORO for an infernal trip to a gentlemen's club called mockingly enough, Fantasy Island -- where Hudson, in a display designed to desiccate the balls of the strongest of men, even enjoyed lap dances.

According to the still apoplectic ALLAN MAC D, the trio initially sat close to the stage, just to make sure they completely ruined it for everybody, before retreating to a more private VIP room with four dancers -- and Hudson was reportedly the only one not in shock who wanted a lap dance.

A source tells SkullGame, "The girls Kate chose were definitely the prettiest and classiest of the bunch. Kate told the dancers that she felt guilty being out without her baby. She kept saying, 'This is my first night without my baby in forever.'"

But Hudson didn't leave before making sure that her visitation of hellish pain was complete by entertaining some of the girls, who suck cock for a living, when she broke out a pack of tarot cards and did readings for them. "Your future is full of slumming millionaire cunts."

Precisely.

TOMMY LEE PROPOSITIONED BY A GAY FRIEND WHOSE COCK HE WAS SUCKING

THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS BITCHES, TOMMY. LET'S GO!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- In a baffling pre-tour A-Bomb of an announcement, inveterate and serial sucker of man sausage TOMMY LEE says he, not too surprisingly, was once, or 20 times, propositioned by a gay friend. Whose cock he was vigorously gumming at the time.

The Motley Crue star--who was previously married to screen beards PAMELA ANDERSON and HEATHER LOCKLEAR--said he "woke up" to find himself being "fondled" by his anal-inclined pal after inviting him to stay the night.

He told SkullGame: “I was partying with a bunch of people. Mostly mens, you know. And my friend--whose name I won't mention even if it does happen to be BILLY GLIDE and who I had a slight idea was gay, but I didn’t know for sure--drove me home and stayed in my room. Welllll, next thing I know I wake up and this guy is rubbing my ass and suggesting anal. I’m like ‘What the fuck? Dude! Lemme finishing blowing you! What is wrong with you?!'”

“Maybe if he was really good looking I may have slightly considered giving him the ass in a stunt I learned in the joint. But he just was not my type.”

MICHAEL JACKSON IDLY THUMBING THROUGH THE RECORD OF NOTE FOR ALL OF THOSE INTERESTED IN SEXUAL FELONY: SKULLGAME.

WHAT?!? WHAT?!?!

ENCINO (SkullGame) -- Fingerprints belonging to both MICHAEL JACKSON and the boy accusing him of child molestation were found on pornography seized from Jackson's Neverland ranch last year, the Santa Barbara News-Press reported Saturday, citing sources it did not identify. Named CORNHOLIO.

If the reported evidence of handshake double clutching is admitted during Jackson's trial, prosecutors would be expected to argue that the fingerprints were proof that Jackson showed the boy pornographic literature before molesting him. But the defense could assert that he and the boy were just reading SkullGame "for the jokes."

Jackson, 46, has pleaded not guilty to charges of molestation, conspiracy and administering an intoxicating agent, alcohol, to his alleged victim. All of which happens at SkullGame with great regularity. Especially last night. Just not with 10 year old boys. Whose parents encourage them to hang out with us. And watch porn. And ass fuck.

LEWD CONDUCT #21

You mean watching it or doing it?

Ohhh. Both. Well that's OK then

215594

RIPPING THE ASS OUT OF THE PANTS OF REAL FAKE NUDE WRESTLING!!!

THE ULTIMATE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. WITHOUT THE FUCKING.

AHHH. SO NOW YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF MY DOUBLE CLUTCHING RUG MUNCH HOLD!!!

ITALIAN SAL fights. VINNIE ROSE fights. HABIB fights. Shit, even ANIMAL THUG fights, albeit very, very, very poorly. We ALL fight. In fact if there was one common factor like GODDAMNED GLUE holding this fucking jalopy together it's that we are just as likely to start whipping up on your ass for any variety of real, or imagined, slights, as we are to sit in front of your house with a silenced Walther PPK for laughing at one of our jokes a little too long.

What's that supposed to mean?

We don't know. What we DO know is that when cruising around the web for cooze and stumbling instead on this dealie we have figured out that which we should have figured out a long time ago: only HOMOS fight with other dudes for recreation. And so we are now redoubling our efforts to continue our fighting ways as much as if not more than before. The one small change?

Naked, faked titted sluts.

We will fight them. And we will be naked when we fight them. But we will fight them on the beaches. We will fight them in the trenches. We will fight them in the front seats of our cars. Because victory in and of itself has never tasted so sweet as when it's supped through a slippery slit. Or a straw stuck in a tropical fruit drink. In any case we think you get our point:

fight naked broads!

BUTTMAN'S ANAL SHOW #5

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Congested" BUSTED NUTS

BUTTMAN’S ANAL SHOW #5 is as much about John Stagliano’s obsession with ass as it is his inability to breathe through his nose. Much of the action is with Stagliano behind the camera, oohing and aahing and gasping for breath.

BLESS MY ASS, FATHER, BECAUSE IT HAS SINNED.

But here’s a guide to know if a fuck scene you’re watching is shot in Brazil, even with the sound off:

1) the girl has a huge, amazing ass but little bitty tits.
2) the amazing ass is covered with some really gnarly, gamma ray-irradiated peach fuzz.
3) the dude uses a condom.
4) Despite Brazilians’ wanting you to think they are the most ferally oversexed humans on the planet, they fuck like they can’t shake the good Christian's reality that their sordid actions are deeply saddening the Pope.

Europeans to the rescue. David Perry and DAPHNE deliver the best scene here, and yeah, it’s got anal. Go figure. -- STEELY ROB

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HITTIN’ DAT WHITE AZZ! #4

West Coast Productions

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Damn, You Smell Sumthin' Funny?" BUSTED NUTS

HITTIN’ DAT WHITE AZZ! #4 is “1 man’s road trip for ass!”, mirroring the timeless, cross-cultural fable of what Joseph Campbell called the hero’s journey. Except instead of a pure soul looking for the Holy Grail, we’ve got D HEF, the ne plus ultra of skanky mutherfuckers, looking for any and all bitches in the Czech Republic who’ll fuck him on camera for money.

TERA JOY'S WHITE. SHE'S GOT AN AZZ. IS THERE ANY REASON AT ALL THAT WE SHOULD NOT HIT IT?

You couldn’t make a cartoon character any more whimsical than D Hef. And by whimsical, we mean having reached the very pinnacle of whimsy. That is: urkelness. If ANYONE should not parade around in public with a shirt buttoned only at the bottom, it’s this guy.

His body looks like the body of (Insert Favorite Cartoon Avian Here) after it’s been through an Acme bomb explosion and all the feathers have been blown off and are falling around everywhere. The pastiest skin on a black dude, ever, and an ET gut lends itself somehow well to D Hef’s permanent facial expression that someone just laid a nasty fart as the man preempts each of the scenes with a clip of him putzing about Prague like the consummate American idiot.

He is not a handsome man. But I don't need him to be handsome. If I needed him to BE handsome, well, you know, I'd probably not be reviewing this vid.

Regardless, the bitches he fucks are hot. The hottest has got to be BARBARA, who does well getting ass fucked by keeping her eyes shut, no doubt imagining dollar bills jumping, single file, over a picket fence. But D Hef tells her to open her eyes.

Yeah, we won’t/don't have eyes for D Hef, but he’s got eyes for the hotties. Great asses and super tits abound in scenes with JANET, JANE DARLING. One of our favorites, TERA JOY, is here, too. That’s always good. -- STEELY ROB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/223107.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

YOUNG RIPE MELLONS #6

Red Light District

Rating: THREE & A HALF "For Sam & The DVD Extras" BUSTED NUTS

The young gent pounding the quite gorgeous RAYVENESS...heh heh, what a name...let's get this straight: you are a GOTH, right?

Where was I?

Oh yes, so he's got his lumpy comedy sausage in a many of--let's just call her Sam for the sake of brevity--Sam's holes as he can suss and, he's semi enjoying himself and she, well, she sorta starts losing it a little. Sorta gets scary.

I AM RAYVENESS, THE MISTRESS OF THE NIGHTLY LOAD

Sam: calm down, don't make roaring noises for a start. Women THINK this: they have to roar, spit and swear because that's 'what men like', and this, porn,  being the smoky inner sanctum of male desire (she'd use that phrase), it's double. So she lays it on. Reeee-lax. Be 'unsure'. Maybe give the impression this was 'not what she expected'. Leave at least a fucking ATOM of something to the imagination.

Because he's getting worried. Especially when he enters her via her RavenAnus. She's almost beside herself. He's dreading the word that occurs to every man who first tentatively explores his ladyfriend's lower intestines: marriage. And she just gets more obsessive. Bud, you better watch it...

"With this gaping ring, I do thee wed."

Chilling. It all starts with anal sex, then it's the fucking nightly cross examination...

"What about her, do you you like her better than me? Would you have anal sex with HER?"

And that's in public. At a parent-teacher meeting. Yes, the niceties stop, the stolen glances, the laughs, the flopping of your cock on her tongue...

Anyway, Sam's quite fucking stunning. Obviously, I CAN imagine her running alongside Type O Negative's tour bus hoarsely screaming 'JOSH! FUCK MEEEE' but once you break through her barriers (as they maybe would to escape), past the hype, the lies, the PR... she's fucking excellent. And yeah, with all this obvious ex-CITE-ment (her: "fuckmefuckmefuckmefumefumeeeee") it OBVIOUSLY explains why his load is so well, polite, after all that build up. Of course it does.

With the drama that preceded it I expected a torrent, a wet, righteous delivery
from him (and that's what obviously motivates her, and us to buy the film, strangely) but she has to make improvise with a little man-dribble.

Was he fined? I would've fucking fined him.

"You shot a tiny load. Did you say that when you filled out the form? 'Big Schlong But No Load?'" If he was fined he'd get his priorities right, the fucking idiot.

Sorry about the politics.

I'm not too sure about the rest though... LACEY's cheerful, consistent but probably really enjoys spreadsheets and sending funny email attachments, really concentrates on them.  BROOKLYN has a great figure. Defaced by a nasty 5 O'Clock shadow. I don't want to be reminded of my dad here. Not that he had big tits. But the coarsely unshaven bit resonates unpleasantly. Big tits, or no. -- WERNER ASSBENDER

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/217623.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE SKULLGAME DIMEBAG DARRELL TRIBUTE ISSUE WHEREIN WE NOTE THAT CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS WITH GUNS HAVE COMPLETELY NEGLECTED SIMILARLY HONORING ANYBODY IN MOTLEY CRUE, BOY BANDS OR ASHLEE SIMPSON

First OL' DIRTY BASTARD and now DIMEBAG DARRELL. Soon, it'll barely be safe for dudes with cool names to do SHIT anymore. In any case, we wanna take a minute of silence to honor MR. DARRELL for years of great music, putting up with PHIL "I'm Sleepy" ANSELMO and not living long enough to see how he died. It's a goddamned shamed.

AFTER HIS FOOLHARDY CHALLENGE TO THE JIBBA JABBA MASTER HIMSELF, DIMEBAG'S FIRST BRUSH WITH DEATH DIDN'T LAST LONG

SKULLGAME CENTRAL RESEARCH ON DSS (SCROD) INVENTS VAGINA FINDER

WE FOUND SOME PUSSY, VINNIE. AND IT'S NAMED MIKE LA VELLA

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- For Immediate Release:

I, ITALIAN SAL, am pleased to announce that my previously secret relationship with RAYTHEON, MOTOROLA and ALLSTATE INSURANCE has finally borne fruit.

Developed with the nanotechnology of Raytheon, satellite services of telecom superpower Motorola and coupled with actuary tables from Allstate Insurance I am so proud to be a part of the advent of the Downward Spiral Signal, or DSS.

The DSS hooked into your Palm Pilot alerts the user in the event that any woman between the ages of 18 and 24:

1. Starts using crack.

2. Runs out of money for the aforementioned crack.

In the event that both of these things happen simultaneously, or nearly simultaneously, an alert is sent out to the user of the DSS and he can respond to the location using Global Positioning System (GPS) technology, armed with 10 five dollar bills and an erection.

It is so important with Crack Whores to be acquainted with them at the TOP of their inevitable spiral down. The desperation at the top is the SAME as at the bottom, however, the level of fuckability is far GREATER at the top. So with an eye to that this service device will save countless disappointing hours of discovering that you were a day late, a dollar short and an arrest shy of fucking her out of some of the best days of her life. AND yours. That being said...I'm sorry. I got a page. 2402 BUSH STREET....LET'S GO!!!

ASSLEE SIMPSON STILL ALIVE. THE VIGIL CONTINUES

I HAVEN'T BEEN KILLED YET. HOW ABOUT YOU?

LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- ASHLEE SIMPSON put her live TV shambles behind her to claim the New Female Artist of the Year -- and poked fun at her "Saturday Night Live" performance that went sour.

The red-faced singer dashed off the stage of "SNL" in tears back in October after she was mortified when a backing track started without her. But she was all smiles at the MGM Grand last night, telling the audience, "I am so, so very excited because I still suck as much as I ever sucked but that didn't stop everyone from disregarding the sucks-a-lot factor when trying to decide how much I actually DID, or did NOT, suck."

Recalling her embarrassing dance on "SNL," she said, "If you're ever feeling nervous ... I have this little trick -- it's called the Texas jig."

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH quickly remarked to the entire nation, "Wha? What the hell are you looking at me for?!!?"

BLATANT ATTEMPT AT AN AD CASH GRAB VIS A VIS AN UNSOLICITED MEDIA REFERENCE OF AMERICA'S GREATEST SPORT

THE SLUT HOST WILLA FORD: 5:1 ODDS WE BAG HER FIRST. ESPECIALLY IF BY "BAG" YOU MEAN JERK OFF OUTSIDE OF HER HOTEL ROOM WINDOW

LAS VEGAS – The Ultimate Fighting Championship® and Spike TV® have assembled 16 athletes from across North America to determine who has what it takes to earn a UFC contract in The Ultimate Fighter™, a new and exciting reality-based television series. The original series, hosted by top recording artist and model Willa Ford, premieres on Monday, Jan. 17 at 11 p.m. (check local listings) following WWE Monday Night Raw and runs for 15 exciting episodes, including a LIVE event. Craig Piligian (co-executive producer of Survivor I, II and III) serves as co-executive producer. New episodes premiere Mondays with encore presentations on Fridays (midnight-1 a.m. EST/PST), on Saturdays (7 p.m. EST/PST) and on Sundays (5 p.m. EST/PST). Competitors in The Ultimate Fighter are not voted off the island, fired by a CEO, or eliminated in a rosy ceremony. Instead, the ones sent home are those who lose in the Octagon® or are sent packing by their coach. The Ultimate Fighter Premiers Jan. 17.

HIS DISGRACE IS COMPLETE? NOT YET IT AIN'T

A SENIOR Catholic priest who forcibly kissed and groped a grieving male parishioner was today sentenced to a three-month suspended jail term. Philip Richard Green, 69, of Hobart, today pleaded guilty to one count of indecent assault on a 22-year-old man at Greens Beach in northern Tasmania. The priest was aged 43 when he went to the victim's home after identifying the body of the young man's sister, who had been killed in a road crash, prosecutor Daryl Coates told the court. The victim was sitting in a car when Green sat down beside him, grabbed his groin and forcibly tongue kissed him. He broke from the priest's embrace and fled the car.

PLASTER MY FACE WITH YOUR PENIS PASTE

Metro

Rating: FOUR "Ask For It By Name" BUSTED NUTS

Man. Metro. Again? I gotta get out of this syndrome I'm in. See, you KNOW you're stuck when you start LOOKING for certain vids. I mean GETTING is one thing. LOOKING is something totally different.

INARI VACHS GETTING READY FOR ANOTHER HARD DAY AT WORK

The Life Cycle of the SkullGame Reviewer

Stage One: Like a kid in a candy store you don't give a shit. You'll watch anything.

Stage Two: Same as stage one but ANYTHING now means ANYTHING only twice a week.

Stage Three: You'll only watch videos of Asian transsexuals. Once a month. And your name is MR. XTRA.

But when you start looking for stuff by name well you're fucking sunk. Because you are officially laboring under the illusion that the name will guarantee the experience. Which is bullshit. The only thing that can guarantee the experience is, um, pussy. And even then it ain't a guarantee.

So it is with PLASTER MY FACE WITH YOUR PENIS PASTE. A flick whose title makes any sayer of said title instantaneously GAY. Another METRO release so it's sort of dated however in this instance sort of dated just means more ANNA MALLE and INARI VACHS. Which means good fucking. It also means I gotta think about VINCE VOUYER's balls since it was Vachs who told us that he doesn't like his balls wet when he gets his cock sucked.

This bit of info will do me no good at all.

In any case this whole thing screams '90s from its FOUR HOUR running length to everyone in it; but Vachs and Anna Malle make me want to fuck holes in, well, holes. Yup. That's what they make me want to do. They DON'T make me want to tell anybody ELSE about the vid, however. Especially if I gotta SAY the name. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/99099.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ULTIMATE ASSES #4

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Baby, Baby, Baby, Please, Baby, Baby" BUSTED NUTS

Over the course of watching ULTIMATE ASSES 4, I’ve heard “baby” so many times the word has lost all meaning. I'm nott even sure at this point if it's english. Or supposed to be. And it’s the usual suspects: MICHAEL STEFANO, JOHN STRONG and ERIK EVERHARD. The Baby Boys. The Destroyers of Language. I wonder if baby is part of their permanent vernacular. Like, if when they order a sandwich at Subway, or they talk to their accountant at tax time, they call people, baby. Maybe they call each other baby. Several times in one sentence.

“Baby” is the new “you know.”

LILIANE TIGER IN THE BUSH OF YELLOW-BELLIED SAUSAGE SWINGERS

But the baby drone does little to stand in the way of the actual babeitude, for TEAGAN and LILIANE, whose reinforced ass was destined for fucking, make this video a winner.

And strangely, curiously, I find that NOEMI’s heart-shaped pussy lips say, “I love you” like nothing else. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/220350.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MICHAEL STEFANO'S TEENS REVEALED #4

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Just One More Dick. Preferably mine." BUSTED NUTS

In a movie that has put me firmly in the Platinum X camp, MICHAEL STEFANO brings us TEENS REVEALED. Featuring lots of sweet-faced teens, these cunts are about as horny as they are sweet-faced and covered with spooge. And lots of it. Starring cover girl CHIQUITA LOPEZ, the only bananas in this scene are attached to JOHN STRONG and MICHAEL STEFANO who, in between holding his breathe, finds time to edge Chiquita closer and closer to her destiny of being a slut with two penis’ in every orifice. Congratulations, Chiquita. You have won.

I DID. REALLY? MY, OH, MY. JUST WHAT WILL I DO WITH YET ANOTHER LOAD? CHIQUITA LOPEZ IN A MOMENT OF QUIET REFLECTION.

And coming in a fast-placed second is MISSY MONROE. This blonde-haired angel-faced teen shows us that it is indeed possible to sport two dicks in your pussy and ass and still manage to look demure. Last but not least we have either the horniest or most easily suggestible teenage porn star ever, KERRI KRAVEN. Kerri goes from claiming to be the best dick sucker ever, an honor formerly owned by AL BORDA, to doing her very first double anal. Ever.

That’s a girl! -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/215995.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME UNDERWRITES MOTLEY CRUE REUNION BECAUSE "WE REALLY WANT TO DO OUR BEST TO KEEP OLD BROADS OFF OF WELFARE." PLUS, MADONNA & THE KABBALAH: COCKSUCKING REEXAMINED. & OUR PERSONAL OF THE WEEK...

...Goes to our own ITALIAN SAL

You. You can stay, the monkey...Well, the monkey has to go.
Reply to: anon-51397024@craigslist.org

LANCE LINK, SECRET CHIMP. AND HIS BANANA HO

Climbing a tower naked at Burning Man is one thing, a monkey with an apron named Steve is just insane. I tried to be open, I tried to be San Francisco about it--Hell, I even tried to be a little LA. But the Ape watching me at night was just too damn creepy and no he wasn't just making sure I was sleeping. He snarled at me!

Your pic will obviously get mine. I guess pictures of your pets will be fine too.

MOTLEY CRUE, IN SKULLGAME SPONSORSHIP DEAL, DECIDE TO ROCK AGAINST WELFARE. AND UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES. I MEAN NOW THAT THEY'RE OLD BROADS AND ALL

THAT WAS THEN...

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Senior Citizen pornographers TOMMY LEE and VINCE NEIL, as well as NIKKI SIXX and MICK MARS, have confirmed they are willing to accept the generous SkullGame offer of $78.52 for putting MOTLEY CRUE back together after a break of more than six years.

An official spokesman from the aged cut-up's management company has revealed the band will begin a world tour starting in a retirement community in Florida next February.

The spokesman says, "Motley Crue are a gang that have always thrived on passion. It is the element that fuels their creativity and guides their decision making."

...THIS IS NOW. "HOT LIPS & FINGERTIPS," INDEED.

"When they learned of the overwhelming groundswell of support from fans opposed to welfare and seeing older women on it, across the world, as well as from members of the music industry, it became obvious to them that the time was right to climb the mountain of selfless public service once again."

Sixx adds, ""We wanna be louder, we wanna be [fucking] ruder. We want more, more, more. More fiber in our diets. More Odwalla processed prune drinks. And mostly more late afternoon naps. That's [fucking] Motley Crue style.

"We're back in ... with SkullGame's help. Man. It's gonna freak you the fuck out out. Trust me, no one's seen anything like this in years."

Sheesh.

UNREGENERATE MADONNA SLUT GODDAMNED BEST FRIENDS WITH GOD OF ABRAHAM NOW; ABRAHAM PUBLICLY IRKED, "VANILLA ICE? I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THAT."

AS A JEW, I MEAN I THINK IT'S NECESSARY TO JEW UP MY WHOLE MANAGEMENT TEAM WITH REAL JEWWIE JEW JEWS. AND DESTROY MY HUSBAND'S CAREER SOME MORE.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Lifelong Slut of Stage & Screen MADONNA's ill-informed devotion to the Kabbalah reportedly was behind her decision to fire her long-term manager CARESSE HENRY, after Madonna discovered HENRY ROLLINS was having an affair with a bodyguard.

The singer reportedly was shocked that Henry, who had also converted to the bastardized mystical offshoot of Judaism, had broken one of the religion's strictest teachings -- non-cocksuckation.

Henry had a partner back in America, while security man Ricky Dallanegra lived with his girlfriend in London. They have since become a couple after leaving their respective partners.

Madonna sought the advice of her rabbi on the matter when she learned of the romance during this summer's Re-Invention tour, before deciding to follow the Kabbalah practices and part ways with Henry.

An insider tells SkullGame, "Madonna and Guy are deeply committed to both their Kabbalah faith which preaches monogamy and faithfulness. And destroying Guy's career. It's ironic, because Madonna used to suck cock with the same kind of brio that many used to feel about Guy's movies. Now's that she's fully devoted to destroying his career, she believes cheating is a serious sin as it detracts from her career destroying efforts."

EX-FUCKING-ACTLY. ICE, ICE, BABY. IN YOUR DRINK? THANK YOU, COME AGAIN

SKULLGAME WRITERS ABROAD: WHEN A HELPING HAND WILL JUST HAVE TO FUCKING DO

A THUG who attacked a stranger stopped to help him find his glasses - then continued to beat him up. The bizarre incident took place after the attacker lashed out at his victim in the street, knocking off his spectacles. In an apparent act of remorse, the yob got on his hands and knees and spent almost 10 minutes helping the 27-year-old and a friend hunt for the glasses. Then he resumed the assault, leaving his victim unconscious with a fractured skull.

SPERMS ATTACKING MY FACE

Metro

Rating: THREE "Warning, Warning Nuclear Attack" BUSTED NUTS

Yeah. Something for every goddamned price point here at The Mack.

This one's for all those who have run the numbers on 25¢ movies when compared to jizz-jerking effort and actual amount jizzed and come up with an algorithm that says beyond a shadow of a doubt that TWO hours of cock gobblin', pole smokin' DVD fun, when broken out in terms of sheer number of spermatozoa per $14.95 expenditure is a good goddamned deal.

WE HAVE A STRONG AND SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT CHRISTGEN WOLF'S FACE WILL, BEFORE TOO LONG, BE CRUDELY ATTACKED BY MULTIPLE SPERMS.

So it goes with SPERMS ATTACKING MY FACE, a common malady in certain environs MACK-side -- the frontseat of our cars, our office, our studio, the business end of our cocks -- where the average passerby with tits like CHRISTGEN WOLF's, is likely, with little or no provocation, to find her face being SAVAGELY attacked by not one, SPERM, but by several million SPERMS.

The horror. The whore or...

...fairly average sperm spillage fare.

For probably fairly average sperm spillage. METRO has this mystique that's been built up around it for reasons not entirely clear to me but that I suspect have everything to do with the economics and sociological fucking impact of inexpensive cocaine cooked into what is commonly called crack.

Which rather indirectly (or directly) has resulted in sperms attacking faces in San Fernando Valley.

Can you fucking believe it? -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/99103.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

KISS MY ASS

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Affirmative Action Jackson" BUSTED NUTS

Girls who know exactly how hot they are and what you can kiss.

AS IF. EVE LAWRENCE & HER AMAZINGLY PERFECT FAKE PERFECT TITS. MINUS OUR SOON-TO-BE-ARRIVING LOADS.

You say, what?

Well, that would be their collective ass. Featuring big-bouldered EVE LAWRENCE and big, natural-knobbed LUCY THAI, this movie is a must see of the ol' anachronistic, circa 1990s, one-on-one variety. With the exception of the DICK DELAWARE scene which, incidentally, is watchable -- with the mute on -- all the other scenes pretty much go the same way: little pre-fuck interview with porn impresario RICK DAVIS and the would-be/soon-to-be fuckees. In walks the fucker. And the fucking begins.

Just like in real life. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/218654.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

FEELING BLACK #3

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Down With Brown All Around" BUSTED NUTS

Feeling blue? Take some Paxil. Feeling black? Get this video.

Now THESE are some of the kind of black women we’re into seeing. You know, the WB Network kind. The kind that sort of exist in a blurry media region of the term “black.” Not OPRAH, but not JERRY SPRINGER neither. Maybe more like TYRA than MARIAH.

OR INDIA. MILK CHOCOLATEY NOUGAT GOODNESS. BUT DON'T HIDE THE PUSSY FROM US THOUGH, BABY. WE AIN'T GON' STEAL IT. FOR LONG.

So step right up to one of our favorites, INDIA. This girl is wonderful. Where a lot of black chicks have weird patches of color changes on their bodies from NOT sitting in the sun, India is milk chocolate all the way through, with a firm rack and body. She’s soft spoken and the gem of this and every movie she’s in.

JOCELYN and PERSIA aren’t anything to feel bad about, either. Pretty and curvy, they make a fine tag team.

The surprise scene is the one with STACEY CASH. This girl is so pretty. MICHAEL STEFANO is obviously impressed, too, gauging by how little goddamned sound is coming out of his usually motor mouth.

Down with brown? You will be. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/216645.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BLACK DICKS IN WHITE CHICKS #8

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Affirmative Action Jackson" BUSTED NUTS

A flavor of porno that was once considered so KKK-baiting, it's believed to be what got LARRY FLYNT shot. Now, it's only shocking that this is how a man hating, limousine liberal like JULIA STILES spells "reparations". You and I know
that the black/white porn is popular for its aesthetic appeal, since there's no need to do a double take on the two asses pumping angle shot, just to figure out which is which.

In five out of six scenes here, the dicks outnumber the chicks two to one, and the chicks love it. They don't even mind getting second billing to the dicks in the title. But the pussy is good anyway. And some of the asses. And the mouths are talented; I might have to watch this one with the sound on. Later.

SABRINA SNOW: THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED 1000 LOADS. ALL OF THEM MINE

VANILLA SKYE is the hottest kryptonite of the ebonically inclined bunch, and the only one-on-one fuck. Her sole problem is the red razor burn Bermuda triangle she traded in her bush for. But she sits her asshole down on that purple cobra like it's coated in burn creme, and that's all the relief she needs.

SABRINA SNOW stands out for her looks and performance as well, but NICOLE BRAZZLE is the over-the-top slut by far. She's all about the black dick, slapping herself silly on the face and tits with two big tootsie rolls. Or snakes. Or sausages.

POPPY MORGAN's perfect little tits are her best feature, but she aims to please.

LOLITA DITA is just that, a tiny girl humpin' on a couple of Humberts. DESIRE MOORE leaves much to be desired, however. A malnourished chic n' tweak working off the cost of her braces; she should be skipped, unless you
want to see her dirty ass crack.

And just in case some gun-totin' cracker is getting an itchy trigger finger, the man gets some in the bonus footage at the end, so save your indignation for
the legendary secret loop of NICO getting tag-teamed by JAMES BROWN and SCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS. -- JIMMY THE G

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/218084.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S SPORTS MOM SPECTACULAR!!!

Reports that an irate hockey mom lifted her blouse, revealed her bra, and taunted fans of the opposing team by shaking her breasts -- at her 11-year-old's hockey game -- has the president of the league "aghast," the Toronto Star reported yesterday. "What prompts people to do these types of things?" said John Gardner, head of the Greater Toronto Hockey League. "It's a little disturbing. We're talking 11-year-olds here." The league has invited the woman to a special committee meeting Wednesday where disciplinary steps, such as banning her from arenas, will be considered.

THE SKULLGAME DRUGS ARE GOOD FOOD ISSUE STARRING BARRY BONDS, JASON GIAMBI & THEIR ATTORNEY IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ; PLUS: NICK NOLTE IN TEEN SLUT SLAM & JAMIE FOXX MOST ASSUREDLY HAS CAUGHT THE GAY

"Of course as Governor of the Great States of California, I have to say that I will personally not sleep until this scourge has been wiped from the land and all of the available steroids are locked safely in my medicine cabinet where they'll do the most good. What? You weren't talking about steroids? What were you talking about then? Ohhhhh....Jewwwws. Well we have plans for them," he muttered darkly. "Very similar plans for them."

THERE'S NOTHING GAY AT ALL ABOUT ADMIRING THE MALE FORM. NOW GETTING ALL OILED UP, NAKED & SWEATY, WELL YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING GAY.

THE SCHWARZENEGGER REPORT ON THE BALCO STEROID SCANDAL

GROPE? SHEEITT...I LOOK LIKE I GOTTA GROPE ANYTHING? MOTHERFUCKERS.

SACRAMENTO (SkullGame) -- Governor ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, in response to the recent bullshit hubbub concerning performance enhancing drugs has launched an investigation and commissioned an extensive report, the findings of which have been leaked to SkullGame, in much the same way JASON GIAMBI and BARRY BONDS' grand jury testimony was leaked to the San Francisco Chronicle: by some fucking cheese-eater in the DA's office.

And the findings?

According to the Governor's EXTENSIVE STEROID & SLUT REPORT "the commission has found, in line with the AMA's stand throughout the mid-90's that there is no steroid problem in professional sports. Especially NOT bodybuilding. And that even if there was, there have been no reports supporting the contention that steroids work. And that even if they DID work, well they didn't really work that much. And that reports of the Governor's heart valve surgery were pure unadulterated fucking media bullshit."

"And in regards to the SLUT section of the report: this needs much more extensive examination. And cash. Cash and examination. But mostly cash."

There you go. Case fucking CLOSED.

This report was underwritten by SIC 'EM TOM TIRE IRONS in association with ANGRY MOTHERFUCKER NUTRICEUTICALS, makers of the new ANADROL-50: "It Picks You Up While It Pisses You Off."

"I DON'T JUST USE SIC 'EM BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD. I USE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE THE BEST. AGGGHHHHHH...."

GIAMBI-BONDS DEFENSE ATTORNEY IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ OFFERS STUNNINGLY NOVEL DEFENSE: "I'M FUCKING HIGH YOUR HONOR. AND I MOVE FOR AN IMMEDIATE ACQUITTAL. SO I CAN GET HIGHER. BECAUSE I AM DEPRESSED. AND HIGH. BUT MOSTLY HIGH."

HEYYYY...EVERYBODY DEALS WITH THEIR DEPRESSION DIFFERENTLY. ME? I GO TO MONACO WITH SKANK HO'S LIKE THIS. SEE? ISN'T THAT DEPRESSING?

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Jurisprudential genius ATTORNEY pro tem in chambers IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ, is reportedly offering a Clarence Darrowesque defense for many of his recent high profile cases: "I was high."

Tysonwitz, 38, depressed since his last court loss to washed up fighter POOKIE WILLIAMS, has developed a drug habit and is facing $38 million in debts to at least 246 creditors, among them some disreputable associates from his time living in Phoenix, Ariz., with his girlfriend Shelly, according to SkullGame.

A pal says, "Basically, in defending KOBE BRYANT, TOM SIZEMORE, KEN CAMINETTI, JASON GIAMBI and BARRY BONDS, well, he's become the modern-day, um, you know Jew dude who got himself killed? Yeah, JESUS. And it's taken its toll. Especially if by toll you mean Cocaine is expensive."

The source adds, "So yeah, Mike's been abusing cocaine and he needs help. Especially if by help you mean more CASH."

NICK NOLTE OFFERS UNSOLICITED ADVICE TO BARRY BONDS MOMENTS BEFORE BEING CHARGED WITH DRUGGING & FUCKING AN UNDERAGE SLUT WHO HAD REQUESTED THAT HE DRUG HER & FUCK HER

SKULLGAME'S ITALIAN SAL PEPPERS NOLTE WITH THE KIDDIE DRUG-SEX SCOOP, IN FULL PLAYER HATING FASHION, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS GODDAMNED WIFE!!! KUDOS TO SAL!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Troubled actor NICK NOLTE is being sued by the parents of a teenage slut who claim their slut was drugged and sexually abused at his California home two years ago.

Filed at Los Angeles Superior Court on Monday, the writ lists a Nolte employee and several others as defendants after the alleged offense at a party at the star's Malibu abode.

But Nolte's aides are adamant the screen veteran was not at home at the time of the reported attack.

In March, one of the defendants, Nicholas Woodring, was accused of having sex with the slut -- then 15 and a minor -- and sentenced to 180 days in jail.

However, the slut's attorney, Philip Dunn, has revealed the case never went to trial, insisting Woodring should once again be quizzed about the alleged offense -- this time in a court of law, perhaps even PEOPLE'S COURT.

Dunn says, "The criminal prosecution is over, and the slut wishes to make sure that nothing like this happens to anyone other slut again under the same or similar circumstances like a party with really great blow. Or something."

Nolte's publicist adds, "Mr. Nolte was at the time, and still remains, concerned for the slut's well-being." According to the civil suit, Woodring and a minor gave the slut the date-rape drug GHB and then screwing became date rape when she passed out mid-fuck at the January 25, 2003, bash.

Whatever.

SKULLGAME NEWSFLASH: JAMIE FOXX MOST ASSUREDLY GAY

OH. YOU BITCHES ARE JUST JEALOUS THAT'S ALL. LET'S GO, ROD.

AUSTRALIA (SkullGame) -- Actor Jamie Foxx gave his Australian fans an eyeful while he was filming his upcoming movie, "Stealth" -- by wondering around naked in front of them. The star was shooting the movie in Sydney when he and his PALS went to Icebergs bar on Bondi Beach and embarked on a wild night of partying.

A source says, "Jamie had been buying rounds of shots for nearly two hours when somebody lispingly shouted, 'Hey, let's go swimming!'"

Foxx then led a group of approximately eight people -- including co-star TOM "OH, I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE, TERRELL "ME, NEITHER" OWENS, on, and BEN "SPEAK FOR YOURSELVES" AFFLECK, well-known beard for JESSICA BIEL -- onto the beach. And while they stripped to their underwear, Foxx decided to take it all off.

The source tells SkullGame, "Jamie shouted, 'I'm going skinny-dipping!' -- then stripped naked, except for his hat, and ran into the surf. After he came out of the water, he proudly paraded around."

FOXX RECENTLY BOUGHT GIFT BASKETS FOR HIS NEIGHBORS AS AN APOLOGY, AFTER HIS PALS PLAYED BASKETBALL IN THE NUDE AT HIS CALIFORNIA HOME.

Now, we at SkullGame, have nothing against unrestricted homomania, HOWEVER, it is the stench of lies we dislike and so we ask: when was the last time you and your buds thought it'd be a big HOOT to play naked basketball together?

Exactly.

COMMUNITY REMINDER: IF ANYONE GAY, LIKE US HERE AT SKULLGAME, NEEDS A BEARD IS THERE A PLACE WE CAN CONTACT JESSICA BIEL?

PLEASE LET US KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

BRANDON IRON'S BAKER'S DOZEN

Pat it, prick it & mark it with a D

& put it in the oven for baby & me

202946

FEARSOME FOURSOMES

Yo Vinnie,
My girl arranges a foursome. We get to a foursome. I get into it with the other woman. She freaks out. Until next time. Where the scenario is repeated. I've gotten closer to and NOT gotten pussy no fewer than three times before the inevitable pouting, complaining, hard-on deadening action makes it all screech to a halt. Suggestions? -- Hole in None (by email)

I WONDER WHICH ONE I WILL NOT BE FUCKING TONIGHT?

Dear HOLY FUCKING MOLEY: Like LUCY and CHARLIE BROWN and that fucking football, you are in what we social scientists call a "totally fucked up situation." She, perhaps sparked by some sad idea of sexual adventure, sets the ball up for you to kick it in the hole and then she snatches it away at the last second FOR HER AMUSEMENT. (Believe me, it wouldn't have gotten this far if she wasn't amused by it.)

But you asked for a solution and here it is: advertise for very ugly broads. I mean total beefaloes. Chicks that nobody in their right mind would fuck. She feels sorry for the girl and in full-blown Mother Theresa fashion is thusly glad to share your cock. The girl, in total Salvation Army style, is glad because she's getting cock. YOU, of course, in the total raped-in-the-woods Deliverance deal, are in absolute and abject misery.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

BEING WITH JULI ASHTON

VCA

Rating: FOUR "Been There, Didn't Do That, Goddamn It" BUSTED NUTS

The age of the porn knock-off, with a few minor exceptions, is dead. STAR WHORES, ROMANCING THE BONE, SHAVING RYAN'S PRIVATES, and a host of others are wunnerful reminders of a time when jerkoffs who were jerking off liked to jerk off to shit that made them feel like jerking off was a joke.

JULI, APPARENTLY, KNOWS NOT A GODDAMNED THING ABOUT LAWNCARE

That was then.

This is Now: Gonzo's got us all jerking off like we were holding an international symposium on jerking off. In the universe that can only be properly credited to MAX HARDCORE, Hollywood knockoffs make about as much jerkoff sense as Hollywood movies. Good entertainment (maybe) but not good jack-o-tainment.

So it was with extreme trepidation that I popped this fucker in. You see, SAL, GINO and I, well, we had this thing with JULI ASHTON. Yeah,way back when we were on PLAYBOY RADIO, me and Sal and Gino and Juli Ashton had a torrid, torrid fourway that resulted largely in, in addition to loads and loads (not being shot), us being removed from the premises (and asked to never return). But BEFORE then there was much titty being grabbed, her grabbing cock and smelling our underarms (hey...don't ask), and mucho fucking merriment.

Anyways, while it wasn't like we hadn't seen her fuck before this, it was damned sure we hadn't seen her fuck SINCE then. And now having done so all I can say is too bad she had her period that night (she told us) and too bad we didn't fuck her anyway. Because even though this whole thing is sort of a vanillaesque exercise in pre-gonzo couples' corn that rips BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, watching Juli get doubleteamed by a team that includes the estimable MR. LEXINGTON STEELE is worth the goddamned price of admission.

I mean Juli fucks like she means it and to hell with the fucking paycheck. AND she ain't shy about loads on the lips either. In fact, this former schoolteacher and fine example of how older broads fuck better, is leading the charge in charitable giving. Especially if by charitable giving you mean LOADS FOR LIPS...a support organization that helps the underprivileged...one drop at a fucking time.

I've given. Have you? -- VINNIE ROSE

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PHAT AZZ WHITE GIRLS #11

West Coast Productions

Rating: FOUR "But Seriously, Folks" BUSTED NUTS

PHAT AZZ WHITE GIRLS 11 is like the old favorite joke setup that starts off with, “a man walks into a bar,” except that instead of a punchline, you get big- assed, white-Euro-anal whores getting dicked down by horse-membered black dudes.

IF YOU ARE WHITE, THEN THIS IS WHAT CONSTITUTES AN ACCEPTABLE LEVEL OF PHAT AZZEDNESS. IF YOU ARE BLACK, YOU BELIEVE THIS TO BE A DOCUMENTARY ON HILLBILLY HUNGER

You know, I’ve always hated jokes. The lack of spontaneity and the notification that something “funny” was coming ruined even ones that might have made me laugh. However, while you know what will happen in this movie long before you see it, it still manages to work like a charm.

So when you see two delicious slave sluts LUGENA and JESSICA licking it up in their “cage,” you know you’re in for some good one-fisted action. Courtesy of some PHAT AZZED WHITE GIRL SLUTS. -- STEELY ROB

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SKEETER KERKOVE'S SODOMY CREAM PIES

Mayhem

Rating: TWO "Buddy Hackett Loved Blueberry Pie" BUSTED NUTS

I love pie. Oh yeah. Ollalaberry pie. Apple pie. Key lime pie. Oh yeah, just about anything with a fruity fruity feeling. I mean FILLING. Anyways, I love all kinds of pie.

But Sodomy Cream Pie?

YOU EVER GET THE SENSE THAT TAYLOR RAIN'S PROBABLY SPENT ABOUT HALF HER LIFE DOING EXACTLY THIS?

You know I don't even have to know what that is to know that that is something that while it involves pie, it also involves SODOMY. And while I'm just fine being in the driver's seat on the whole sodomy train, I try to stay well away from the dining car on this one. So I don’t know about Sodomy Cream Pie.

What I do know is that while any movie with supersonicslutresses TAYLOR RAIN and KATRINA KRAVEN can’t be all that bad, this one failed to hold my interest, what with the compilation-piece-cut-together-with-whatever-happened-to-be-on-some-douchebag's-harddrive look.

So, while for the most part this movie was pretty goddamn bad, the scenes containing Taylor Rain ALMOST make up for the horror that the rest of this fuck flick is.

To which I say: "Please God make it stop!"

And, curiously enough, He did.

I mean right after I jerked off. But still. -- ITALIAN SAL

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SWALLOW MY PRIDE #5

Red Light District

Rating: TWO & A HALF "A Roost Of Cocks, A Flight Of Swallows, And A Pride Of" BUSTED NUTS

"FIVE SCENES FIFTY LOADS," claims the cover. This is too close to reality for my tastes. Not that I'm surrounded by sword-swallowing porn sluts, but the ratio is like every time I go out. Change of locale to reduce the sausage quotient, and the quality of chick goes way down. Try to travel in circles with finer females, and the competition steps up like Mona Lisa's on the auction block. Go to yoga, aerobics, or Lilith fair, and you're just gay, so give up already.

HARMONY ROSE JOINING TWO MORE MEN IN HOLY FAGIMONY

But I try to enjoy this movie for the wantonness of the wenches when presented with a plentiful fountain of coconut juice. And I succeed, since they suck seed. Enthusiastic head is the best way to get eye contact out of me. My fullest attention is paid when the little G is between teeth. Little -- sure, I admit -- but this flick has such a varied cast of cock in it, I feel average, and yet not gay from having seen so many male members. I try to pretend it's my own, to identify with the protagonist prick.

This cum-bubble is burst by the double vag that does anything but double HARMONY ROSE's pleasure. She does double oral, too, since the Rimmer twins (my term for these two Red Light regulars -- when I see them, I know what's coming, and it ain't nothing from my body) love being joined at the dick in flick after flick.

The prong parade soldiers on, feeding the thirsty hoes like they're hatchlings in the nest. One papa bird is unnaturally bent downward to facilitate the task, owned by a shmuck who never bothered to read the penis pump recall notice he got in the mail.

This movie is for the cock-starved. Put the disk in a laptop computer, with the screen facing away from you, toward one of those beer goggle barflies that're
left over at closing time. Wear the paper bag on your own head, and hope that she takes a hint and isn't around come morning. -- JIMMY THE G

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WELL AFTER THE MOURNING'S OVER, ANNA NICOLE SMITH STAGGERS ON IN SKULLGAME'S TRIBUTE TO THE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. PLUS: JESSICA SIMPSON'S ASS SPEAKS & WE INTRODUCE YOU TO ALMOST ALL OF VINNIE'S FRIENDS

Volleyball is a fucking stupid game played by retards. But we will watch it anyway. For its display of, um, athleticism. And stuff.

SEE? SHE JUST GOT A DOUBLE DIGGY FOR SNAPPING A TAP! WHAT A GREAT FUCKING GAME! EVEN MY COCK THINKS SO.

IN DAY 17 OF MOURNING FOR OL' DIRTY BASTARD, ANNA NICOLE SMITH "SORT OF PUSHING IT," SAYS LIZA MINELLI

"YOU SEE IT EVEN HAS A POCKET FOR MY SPARE NEGRO," SAYS "STONEY" SMITH WITH HER SPARE NEGRO FLAVOR FLAV. YEAAHHH, BOOOYYY!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Busty blonde bombshelter ANNA NICOLE SMITH had to be escorted from ANOTHER stage last night in a paroxysm of grief when organizers of the VH1 Big in '04 awards feared she was about to plop one of her aggressively documented dig dugs out on the podium in a confused expression of mourning for the recently departed rapper OL' DIRTY BASTARD.

The model, who was reportedly having an adverse reaction to the 13 somas, 8 Viks, and 2 Neurontins she had washed down with whiskey, appeared unstable and slurring at last month's American Music Awards, and was showing off a giant bra she "used to wear" before she lost weight on the TrimSpa diet.

IN A SPEECH AT THE TOYS FOR TOTS COLLECTION CAMPAIGN IN HOLLYWOOD

But when it looked like she was about to show off her breasts before the only lens in America that had not already photographed them, a VH1 crewman was sent out to escort her off the stage.

One woman who found Anna Nicole's latest controversy hilarious was LIZA MINELLI, who said, "Without her the world would just be a boring, no-drugged-up-rich-fat-sloppy-broad-titty-flashing kind of place. Hey...wait a minute..."

JESSICA SIMPSON'S ASS HAS ITS SAY: "I'M THE BRAINS OF THIS FUCKING OUTFIT."

AND A NATION NODS ITS HEAD IN AGREEMENT

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Pop slut JESSICA SIMPSON's angry ASS, increasingly paranoid about attempts to dismiss its contribution to the meteoric rise of her owner's career, got enraged when it was mocked by its "Dukes of Hazzard" co-star JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.

The ass, who beat Britney Spears' Ass for the coveted role of Daisy Duke in the big-screen remake, has reportedly had enough of her owner's, and others, jokey antics.

"When I think of all the crap I have to take just being connected to this broad," said a visibly perturbed ass. "Well it makes me just want to shit."

THE SKULLGAME HOLIDAY TRIBUTE TO THE HARDWORKING MOTHERFUCKERS WHO MAKE THIS PAGE POSSIBLE IN LIEU OF ACTUALLY GIVING THEM BONUSES OR TIME OFF OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. FORTHWITH: ALL OF VINNIE'S NEW "FRIENDS"

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

A.K.A. The Fucking Flying Dutchman is like one of those guys that was damned near indispensable to almost any neighborhood when we wuz growing up: the guy who would do anything. Which is sort of cool. When you're 10. When you're 10 having a guy around who'll eat shit off the ground is GOOD. It breaks up all of that fart-lighting, piss-water balloon monotony. Now, however, it just fucking means almost NONE of us have to review any of the homo-panic inducing Tranny Porn. Nope. The Flying Dutchman does it all. Which means in very practical terms: WHATEVER he wants is A-FUCKING-OK with us. Just as long as he keeps watching that good ol' Tranny Porn. And eating shit off of the office floor for our sordid amusements when things get slow. Oh, yeah, he really is Dutch, too.

JIMMY THE G

Remember the last time you took your car to a mechanic and you said some shit like "well it was making this funny sort of FLAPPING noise." And then you imitated the noise. For like 5 minutes. And the whole time the mechanic you're talking to is just smiling. And not saying much? Remember that? And then when you came back the next two or 10 times and your car wasn't ready? And then when it finally was ready you drove it away and it exploded, shooting pistons right through your fucking engine block? Remember that? You fucking remember that?!?!

Well then maybe next time you'll remember that your mechanic hates you.

And JIMMY THE G is your mechanic.

Happy fucking motoring.

PACHANGA!

POW!!! BAM!!! BOOM!!!
And that's just in the first goddamned minutes. You got that KJ? Smoke that shit, man. Because if you don't smoke it, PACHANGA! will. Because he wrote the book on smoking it. Fucking it. AND fucking forgetting it AFTER fucking it. Are you a Hot Bitch With A Pussy That Fucks (HBWAPTF)? Then come around, eh, haina.

WERNER ASSBENDER

He calls himself FASSBINDER, we call him ASSBENDER. We call him ASSBENDER, he only responds to FASSBINDER. Hilarity ensues. And so do big giant titties. Which he is a fan of. That and sportsbars, Leroy Neiman prints of guys playing polo, and big giant titties. Or did we already mention that. He is also a fan of the HUFF, the GLOWER and the SLOW STEAM. And he can make fun of you 14 different ways, not a single one of which will even ever dawn on you. He digs his London flat, because he knows that London ain't where it's at. Yeah yeah, just keep on smiling. You'll get it. Sooner or later.

RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JR.

You know how we know when someone's going to jail? When they ask us right out of the box "Hey, can I be one of Vinnie's friends?" Sure motherfucking sign. Which is exactly what RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JUNIOR did. While nervously eyeing an all-night convenience shoppe and telling us about his bitches. Enjoy him while you can. Which is to say, before he has to spend all of his time either fighting off anal rape or trying to anally rape someone in one of the fine, fine penal institutions somewhere in the American South.

MR. XTRA

When some are only willing to go as far as it takes, perhaps taking the SkullGame patented "Path of Least Cocksistence," a man like MR. XTRA is willing to go, well, that extra mile. A convert of mail order hypno-sex kits and a furious assmaster, XTRA rocks the antipodes and drives a hard bargain insofar as the anuses of Asian women are concerned. When he first wandered over to Casa Skull he sat on the couch, said nothing and budged not a foot until we unleashed the semi-auto rifles, which he then proceeded to fire with wild abandon. At the neighbor's cats. Which is why we don't live there no more. Which is also why neither do the cats.

GIRLMED!

Who the fuck knows? Really. Sal's the only one who's met her. Does she really exist? Goddamn if we know.

MS. PINK

Now SHE fucking exists. This much is known. Except for The Gypsy's Curse. Which is, MAY YOU FIND A CUNT THAT FITS YOU. So we sent her some vids to review and she did. No prob. Easy schmeasy. But apparently like a key fits a lock one day we sent her the vid that was like the cunt that fits you and this was the vid that sent her into a spiral of masturbation, regret, masturbation, hunt for cock, masturbation, regret, repeat as necessary. She, like Col. Kurtz is goddamned GONE. And the worst part is: we forgot which vid it was that was the psychic blast that moved her from normal woman to cock hound. If you see her, be careful. Be very, very careful.

YOZA

When we first got to Cali, YOZA was one of the first people we met. He had radically redefined the surf concept of localism by choosing to live in a treehouse on Hermosa Beach. A treehouse that allowed him without a glimmer of amusement to call the sand beneath his fucking feet and the surf beyond, HIS. Disagreed with his assessment? Get your board broken in half, your jaw broken and your mouth jammed full of sand.

Advantages: Always has good bud.
Drawbacks: Likes to steal.

CUPCAKE

If you come down to the SkullGame offices, maybe we look up from our computers. Maybe we don't. Maybe we speak to you. Maybe we chase you out with a stick. It's totally unreliable and largely based on who made the drug run that day and what they got from CORNHOLIO's friend, RASTA, who lives in the oleander bushes by the 7-11.

That is, unless of course, you're a WOMAN. In which case, you'll be treated with, and to, all the courtly manner befitting a distaff visitor to our humble abode: a mad scramble and chair knocking over DOUBLE TEAMING.

CUPCAKE was such a visitor. Who after aforementioned doubleteaming decided not to pursue legal remedies to the fact that she had not, in fact, ASKED for a doubleteaming, by being made a "staffer." We're glad to have her. From either end.

HOTBOX

Is largely missing in action. We don't know why. Suspect it might have something to do with the "moral turpitude" clause in the SkullGame contract. That is: moral turpitude must be engaged in. With great frequency. Last seen playing on-line scrabble and contemplating religious conversion.

HEINRICH BIMMLER

Not the real thing but an incredible simulation, HEINRICH, host of cable TV's ENTER THE FOURTH REICH, derides Jews as "Hebrew head lice", denigrates Blacks as "subspecies" and "mud people," and decries the Holocaust Museum (what he calls The Museum of German Achievement) as a testament of lies. He has pictures of muscle men on his bunker's bedroom wall. Make of this what you would.

"Heil Schwarzenegger!!!"

GODDAMNED NAUGHTY NAZIS AT IT AGAIN

A GERMAN man went insane after hearing screams from a 'Miss Whiplash' parlor, and ended up being lashed for free by the fuming fraulein. Markus Koenig, 22, from Nuremburg, said his life has been 'destroyed' since a dominatrix moved into the empty hairdressing salon next to his flat to inflict her nightly punishments on clients. So he armed himself with an air pistol and a set of kung-fu nunchakus for a showdown. But a 6ft 6in muscle-bound pimp called Ali greeted him at the door, broke his martial arts weapon and told him: 'You are too small to play in here.''

BRANDON IRON'S BAKER'S DOZEN #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Loads Of Loads And Loads Of Loads: And Still NOT Gay. Well, Not Really." BUSTED NUTS

He did it again! And again. And again. And again. And again. And again and, well...89 fucking times to be exact, because that’s how many loads are blown in the collective faces of, not only the world, but the superstars in this flick. Especially if you consider a superstar, a person who gets loads blown in their face. Which they do here. Again and again and, well, 89 fucking times.

TAYLOR RAIN, NO STRANGER TO LOADS & LOADS & LOADS, POSES HERE IN THE CALM BEFORE THE NEXT SAUSAGE STORM

Which means that BRANDON IRON has literally redoubled his effort in this, the second of the series, with a full 44 more loads than the first BAKER'S DOZEN.

Starring supersonic slut (faster than the speed of sound) TAYLOR RAIN and MISSY MONROE, to name a few, this movie is a perfect example of Bukkake without the degradation.

Awwww, who am I trying to kid?

This is the kind of degradation that we love: straight up, coconutty goodness. On fucking tap. BAKER'S DOZEN #2, the Americanized version of Japachongchong Bukkake is the perfect example of the SkullGame Anthem: if one's not enough, a thousand's not too many.

Indeed. -- ITALIAN SAL

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CUM DRENCHED TITS

Elegant Angel

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Get It? Making A COMEback?" BUSTED NUTS

Coming on tits is making a comeback. The last vestiges of it seemed to have died down in the early '90s, perhaps because of its transparency as a ploy to actually drop loads on the face "by accident." Whether it's increased candor or new millenial honesty or whatever the fuck: it’s on the upswing again. And thankfully, the recipient bosoms on hand for CUM DRENCHED TITS are pretty good overall (no fakers).

MISSY SEZ, "YES. THESE ARE YOU, AND ONLY YOU. WELL AND YOUR LOADS, OF COURSE."

Spunked boobs notwithstanding, the big highlight is MISSY MONROE's squirting -- garden hose-like -- while being ass fucked. It’s a fine contemporary mirror to traditional myths of circularity and life, such as the snake perpetually eating its tail, or the ancient sunwheel. Beauty.

The low light goes to no less than FOUR dudes getting into a hot tub with terminally gorgeous PANDORA DREAMS and nary a cock getting anywhere near regions below the equator. Weak.

But TIARA LYNN, whom we would eat with a spoon, gushes the bad taste away. And dig the glasses. -- STEELY ROB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/219734.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BRANDON IRON'S BAKER'S DOZEN

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "How Many Loads Are Too Many Loads?" BUSTED NUTS

RECIPE FOR COCONUT SOUFFLE

Take three girls. Yup. A triumvirate. A troika. A trio.

And mix in 45 loads blown all over the goddamned place.

Whip into a frothy mixture of coconut oil, adding in yours. Repeat as necessary.

Let steep.

COME ONE, COME ALL...TO THE GRAND OPENING OF DILLAN LAUREN'S MOUTH!!!

This certainly seems like a goddamned winning recipe to me. You see, BAKER'S DOZEN was the westernized merging of boy-girl porn and Japanese bukkake. Each scene is a one-on-one fuck fiesta that finishes with a messy facial and then quickly adjourns to the backyard where each and every one of the fuck pigs gets their face plastered by no fewer than 14 loads a piece.

Featuring very sexy DILLAN LAUREN, Sophia and ALICIA RHODES egging on each and every one of the 45 eggnogging sperm donors, this movie is a must see for any one of you fans of the bukkake videos who could just never get past the whole, degradation aspect of it. These bitches are in total control of the load-blowing action and seem to love every minute of it.

Yet another one of BRANDON's that had me coming for the wine but staying for the cheese.

Whatever the fuck that means. -- ITALIAN SAL

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202946.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

VINCE VOUYER'S CUM DRIPPERS #7

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Contraception -- The Old-Fashioned Way" BUSTED NUTS

Porn thrives on fresh meat, since the prolapsed rectum of a seasoned veteran can turn off a newly released convict, even. KERI SABLE, in her debut trick-turning, is so fresh, that they had to Photoshop the cum-drippings onto her butt for the cover pic. And who doesn't prefer tight 18-year olds to the slime-trailing old SHARON MITCHELL types?

"IS SHARON MITCHELL THAT CHICK WHO USED TO VACUUM UP AROUND HERE?" KERI SABLE & INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.

In fact, I don't recognize any of these chicks. VERONICA LYNN is my favorite new addition to the stumbling space that is the revolving-door of the sex film industry. She won't do anal. Yet. And I hope I'm there, as in FIRST IN LINE, when she becomes a no-holes-barred, blow-you-for-a-fifth-and-a-bump, corner-working funk factory.

Then there's JASMIN, who, for all her charms and sucking, can't seem to harden the member of one of the two guys that do her. He has to switch to licking her ass and stroking himself to get it up - what's wrong, tooth drag?

I guess that, since the other dude is BRIAN PUMPER, I'd have a hard time raising wood myself. He's pretty scary, and that should have been capitalized upon. Instead of showing some limp-noodle sucking, which should have been edited out, Brian should have thrown the other guy out a window, while JASMIN heaped abuse and derision on his lackluster performance. Why be in a scene if you're not ready? Favors owed? Do me a favor and cut out the bullshit.

As for KERI SABLE, the question is: can she bring it? Does MICHAEL POWELL freeze frame JANET JACKSON's nipple while rubbing butter on his antenna? Does TERRELL OWENS cover his bone-smuggling peccadilloes with the most transparent beard ever bearded? Is Vicodin ES the ultimate aphrodisiac?

Fuck if I know, I fell asleep. -- JIMMY THE G

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/219220.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

A SKULLGAME GAME OF CLUE WHEREIN WE TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHICH SLUT'S SLINGING SHIT OUR WAY VIA ANGRY PHONE CALLS: LINDSAY LOHAN, CHANTAL CLARET OR TREMBLINGLY HIGH MARY-KATE OLSEN; PLUS: PAM, TOO?

Or could it be Col. Mustard in the Drawing Room with an 8-Ball and a bag full of huff?

"DO YOU WANNA SEE ME DANCE?!!? I USEDA BE A BALLERQUEENA!!!"

SKULLGAME BESET BY BITCHES FULL OF TREMBLING OUTRAGE; AN INVESTIGATION ENSUES

STEELY ROB'S DAD, THE WORLD'S WORST DETECTIVE, OFFERS A SKETCH OF THE OFFENDER

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- The men behind the totally fucking genius website MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME have, in recent days been peppered by calls of fury, tendered by crazy bitches who have not only the time, but the inclination to subject themselves to FURTHER humiliation by wading knee-deep into the sausaged satire of said site.

Vowing to "look at all the evidence and then start randomly striking out at whomever it amuses us to do so to," master provacateur VINNIE ROSE subsequently masturbated and fell asleep.

The independent investigative team of ITALIAN SAL & HABIB have uncovered the following rogue's gallery of possible suspects. Read to the end and then VOTE on your favorite suspect slut at vinnie@skullgame.com.

FIRST: there was our shot across the bow. An indiscreet lob in the distant direction of BULLSHIT FUCKING ACTION ROCK. Our intended target? This fucking piece of fat hot bitch (we love them fat girls. Ask CHRISTINA RICCI. Better yet ask her brother who still wants to kick our asses).

HER LOVE FOR VINNIE BARELY DISGUISED, COURTNEY LOVE, WE MEAN CHANTAL CLARET, SPURNS OUR MORE THAN GENEROUS OFFER OF $10.

And SECOND, her actual, unedited reply:

i dont give a shit what you write about me, what you think of me, or what you think you know about me, but if you ever fucking mention my mother in anything EVER i will hunt you down and tear off your fucking balls.

sincerely, chantal of morningwood

Then she put her email address--MorningwoodRock@aol.com--which in our minds constitutes the first move in the direction of a love that I can already feel building in my groin. So if you all will excuse me, I'm going to make sweet, sweet email love to this heifer, before getting to our honorifically named CHANTEL CLARET SYMPOSIUM ON DOUBLE ANAL PENETRATION.

Chantal, baby...I understand how you might be a little fezzed up as a result of the shots I took at your band but Jesus, baby, you're in a band named after a cock. A cock that's not mine, incidentally. So you can see...my hurt was, perhaps, understandable. But that's neither here nor there as your big beef seemed to be the passing of your mother. Hey, we lost people too and we feel your pain as we can imagine your late, sainted mother's mention in a site that touts the benefits of sperm drinking might be a tad, well...upsetting. To say the least. About sperm drinking, I mean. But let's get beyond all that and talk about you. And our balls. And the whole you-tearing-our-balls thing. If this is really where you'd like to go with this we invite your passion. SKULLGAME is coming to NY in OCTOBER. Give us a phone number and we will bring the balls to you. Or if you're in California, drop us a line and we will show you our balls. They are hard to miss. As they are big. And after it is all said and done, we will lay you down and fuck you like we love you. Because, of course, we do.

And if you're keeping count, this is the fourth time your mother has been mentioned here.

LINDSAY LOHAN IN O.D. NIGHTMARE: FAG PHOTOG & SINGER STEPHEN JENKINS FROM THIRD EYE BLIND FAILS TO FUCK HER BEFORE PARAMEDICS SHOW UP. FAG.

CHARACTER IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND TO SEE YOU DO IT. IT'S ALSO CALLED RAPE, BUT WHY QUIBBLE?

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- STEPHEN JENKINS, formerly fiancee of CHARLIZE THERON, until she caught him delivering a savage mouth-to-cock life saving maneuver to DUNCAN SHEIK, recently snapped LINDSAY LOHAN passed out at poolside at BEVERLY HILLS' tony, AVALON HOTEL.

While the average non-sausage smuggling man would have availed himself of the opportunity to spread as much sunblock as any one or ten men's nutsacks might hold, Jenkins took this photo, sent it to us, and asked if we could kick him a few bucks for his fag troubles.

Sure. Sure we can. Just as soon as you figure out how to repay us for having to have heard your song on the radio until our ears bled.

THE OLSEN TWINS: SO FUCKING CREEPY AND NICE THEY NAMED THEM TWICE: SEVENTEEN AND SADLY SLUTTY

IS THE SNATCH FLASHER THE VOMIT QUEEN SLUT? OR VICE VERSA?

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Either way one of these creepy fucking broads, who a nation of goddamned degenerates has been waiting to see in various states of sausage stuffing undress, has upped the creep ante by being a food freak. Certain members of SKULLGAME who will remain nameless like SEAN HAYNES love these anorexic, bulemic, addle-headed ho's. Us members of the SKULLGAME board find it interferes in a good cock stiffening. Slut or not, we want these broads OUT though.

PAMELA ANDERSON-LEE-ROCK-DORFF RULED OUT ON ACCOUNT OF HER BEING TOO BUSY SUCKING COCK TO EVEN FUCKING CARE

"MGGSHPH...GLUB GLUB..." YES...WAAAAYYYY TOO BUSY.

AND THE SKULLGAME CITIZENSHIP AWARD GOES TO...

Excerpts of a tape released by Lawrence's Mayor Michael J. Sullivan Monday allegedly showed two fire department employees engaged in drinking beer, snorting cocaine and dancing. One was identified as a civilian dispatcher named JUDY BRITO. The other was identified as fulltime firefighter ISIDRO "Junior" CORDERO. A videotape allegedly shows a Massachusetts firefighter and a 911 dispatcher snorting cocaine and drinking beer on duty.

SKULLGAME salutes them. And wonders when they can pay us for the yayo that they bought from, um, friends of ours.