Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Contraception -- The Old-Fashioned Way" BUSTED NUTS

Porn thrives on fresh meat, since the prolapsed rectum of a seasoned veteran can turn off a newly released convict, even. KERI SABLE, in her debut trick-turning, is so fresh, that they had to Photoshop the cum-drippings onto her butt for the cover pic. And who doesn't prefer tight 18-year olds to the slime-trailing old SHARON MITCHELL types?

"IS SHARON MITCHELL THAT CHICK WHO USED TO VACUUM UP AROUND HERE?" KERI SABLE & INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.

In fact, I don't recognize any of these chicks. VERONICA LYNN is my favorite new addition to the stumbling space that is the revolving-door of the sex film industry. She won't do anal. Yet. And I hope I'm there, as in FIRST IN LINE, when she becomes a no-holes-barred, blow-you-for-a-fifth-and-a-bump, corner-working funk factory.

Then there's JASMIN, who, for all her charms and sucking, can't seem to harden the member of one of the two guys that do her. He has to switch to licking her ass and stroking himself to get it up - what's wrong, tooth drag?

I guess that, since the other dude is BRIAN PUMPER, I'd have a hard time raising wood myself. He's pretty scary, and that should have been capitalized upon. Instead of showing some limp-noodle sucking, which should have been edited out, Brian should have thrown the other guy out a window, while JASMIN heaped abuse and derision on his lackluster performance. Why be in a scene if you're not ready? Favors owed? Do me a favor and cut out the bullshit.

As for KERI SABLE, the question is: can she bring it? Does MICHAEL POWELL freeze frame JANET JACKSON's nipple while rubbing butter on his antenna? Does TERRELL OWENS cover his bone-smuggling peccadilloes with the most transparent beard ever bearded? Is Vicodin ES the ultimate aphrodisiac?

Fuck if I know, I fell asleep. -- JIMMY THE G

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