Mack Avenue Skullgame
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02.18.04
SKULLGAME'S ST. VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE: THE OLSEN TWINS, KIM CATTRALL, BRITNEY & 1000 CHINESE WHORES

YES. VALENTINE'S DAY IS OVER, HOWEVER WE AT MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME RECENTLY HAD OUR FOLGER'S CRYSTALS REPLACED WITH CRYSTAL METH BY SOME FRIGGIN' PRACTICAL JOKER AND SO FOUR DAYS LATER WE'RE STILL TRYING TO MAKE ALL OF THIS SHIT ADD UP--FROM THE MOTORCYCLE IN THE LIVING ROOM TO THE 10-PAGE BLUEPRINT FOR CORNHOLIO'S WATERBED THAT ANIMAL THUG DID. SO BEAR WITH US AND OUR TEETH-GRITTING TARDINESS


SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- Man. You know how it is when you take like so much meth, like about as much meth as you think would make a big cup of fucking coffee I mean if you were stupid enough to think it was coffee. Or sugar for coffee. You know, THAT much. Well when you take THAT FUCKING MUCH, shit happens to you, that you are later at odds to try to explain.

Like, how this insane slut ended up in our living room.

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SHE SAID HER NAME WAS EVE, "LIKE WITH ADAM, YA KNOW?" WHATEVER

Or HENRY'S fucking post-modern cinematic treatise on making 18-hour long movies without film in the camera.

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"IT'S CALLED, GET THIS: 'BACKYARD!' GET IT?!?! YOU GET IT?!?!"

Or ANIMAL THUG announcing to the world that we were having a FUCK EVERYTHING UP IN SIGHT PARTY.

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...AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET DOWN OFF OF THIS REFRIGERATOR I'VE DRAGGED ONTO THE FRONT LAWN

With totally predictable results.

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"AGGGHHH...SKULLGAME IS SO COOL!!! SO COOL I MUST TEAR THEIR SHIT TO FUCKING PIECES!!!"


But things have returned to the normal sluttery and so gloat, feast your eyes on our accursed ugliness and enjoy.



OLSEN TWINS' BODYGUARD IN RESTAURANT CONFRONTATION

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"WHAT? WHY ARE YOU GUYS LOOKING AT US LIKE THAT? ALL WEIRD AND SHIT?

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- A New York restaurateur has slammed sluts and acting teenage twins MARY-KATE and ASHLEY OLSEN after their bodyguard knocked him the fuck down in a rush to get to the bathroom so he could jerk a quick one before returning to his tantalizingly torturous job.

The former "Full House" stars were eating with friends at New York's packed Serafina on Valentine's Day when the incident occurred. According to our paisan and Serafina co-owner FABIO GRANATO the Olsen minder became visibly agitated after viewing the twins showing their friends how "flexible they were."

Granato says, "I was at the podium near the entrance speaking to my manager when this big guy starts saying, 'Where's your goddamned bathroom?!?! WHERE?!?!.'

"I said, 'You don't want to piss packing wood like that. No way you're using my bathroom as a jerkitorium.' And I said, 'Get the fuck away.'"

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"UM, LICENSE AND, UM....I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!"

Granato says that, the bodyguard pushed by him, used the toilet for a few minutes and emerged visibly relaxed and compliant when one of Serafina's own security escorted the man to the door.

STALKER END NOTE: The famous twins will attend New York University this fall, after having paid $3.5 million for a four-bedroom apartment in the West Village.



"TOO BAD SHE HASN'T SENSED THAT I'M DYING," SAYS CAREER OF BRITNEY

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Pop whore BRITNEY SPEARS wants to become MORE of a fucking diva, by increasing her list of backstage demands, and thereby forcing the hand of her CAREER who has fully embraced its impending doom.

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THE ARGENTINE SPENT LIKE HOURS LOVINGLY DESIGNING THIS AND WHEN IT WAS OVER HE SAID THREE WORDS: "I HATE YOU."

"She wants to transform her relatively simple contract rider into something more exciting," says the visibly saddened CAREER. "It calls for Pop Tarts, edamame beans, sushi, tuna fish, cranberry juice and Red Bull wherever she performs and she wants something more exciting. How do I tell her that the Next Big Thing for her is my painful demise?"



SKULLGAME QUIETLY NOTES: WE TOLD YOU SO

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Actress KIM CATTRALL enjoyed spending Christmas cruising the Caribbean with SEAN "P. DIDDY" COMBS, JAY-Z and that white broad BEYONCE KNOWLES, but felt too old to join the evening activities...after the New York Knick gang scene she stumbled into.

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"I'M TOO TIRED TO GO OUT...WITHOUT RUNNING ONE MORE GANG GANK"

The "Sex and the City" star, 48, found it difficult to stay up all night partying with the younger R&B and hip-hop stars. Cattrall explains, "I wasn't ready for the way P. Diddy loves to have fun. At 2 a.m. I headed to my bed after exploring myself as fully as anyone could with five basketball players, then I get a knock on my door and another Railroad themed party was about to begin. I just couldn't hang. I mean I never thought I'd say it but 10 cocks is plenty."



TOOT SWEET'S VALENTINE'S KISSES AND DISSES


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THE STIFFEST ARROW IN CUPID'S QUIVER AWARD GOES TO....

Look, I'm as suspicious of Valentine's Day as the next horny fuck. Any time you've got to buy your love with chocolates, flowers and cheezy proclamations, an eyebrow must be raised in question. I hardly need to mention that it shares the initials "V.D." with venereal disease, which is truly cause for alarm. Yet certain love-sick fools and certain commercial factions persist in observing "V.D.", so...

100s & 100s OF CHINESE HO'S

A stiff arrow goes out to the CCP players who take the dick-shaped cake with the 3-day orgy they organized for 400 visiting Japanese businessmen. Willing to forego standard issue Maoist underwear for the Hello Kitty version and risk their Communist Party membership to boot, these post-modern Ming Dynasty daddys rounded up 500 prostitutes at 1200-1800 Yuan for some yummy yin-yang (that's $145 - $217 a night for you, jack).


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AHHH, SERVICE WITH A SMILE

With their legendary liquored libidos loose in the lobby of the swanky 5-star Zhuhai International Conference Center Hotel, these guys groped and grabbed their way up the elevators, through the hallways and into their suites with 3-4 girls in a room and the doors ajar. When asked what he was doing at the hotel, one guest replied "We're here to play with the Chinese girls."

Genius.

China is accusing the Japanese of deliberately trying to humiliate them.

Whatever.


AND IN A STRANGELY RELATED NEWS STORY

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I AM A WHALE COCK....AND I VOTE.

Speaking of (long) Guangdong, in Taiwan a 56-ton beached whale exploded while being towed to the oceanography institute on a busy city street, spewing
it's rotting innards over shoppers and businesses. But the real story lies in the fact that this whale has a 5-foot long penis, which has drawn men from miles around to kneel down and pay homage to a dick that's bigger than any of their wives.


 


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