"As far as the future looking bright, being very much a player hater I would not be able to write about such a topic until if, and when, everyone on Earth is doing much worse than me. Since that is statistically impossible I will apply myself to, oh so subtley, shitting all over everything and everyone." -- A DEEPLY DISTURBED ITALIAN SAL
IN THE SPIRIT OF HOLIDAY GIVING IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT SAL'S ENTIRE WORLDVIEW HAS BEEN SHAPED BY THIS TWO SECOND BIT OF CELLULOID. "HERE YOU GO BABY...FOR CHRISTMAS: CITRUS!!!
THE 12 DAYS OF A FUCKING SKULLGAME CHRISTMAS
On the first day of X-Mas PARIS HILTON gave to me, a nice case of fucking VD.
DON'T FAKE THE FUNK, BABY. INSERT COCK. BOB HEAD. WHAT? WE GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
On the second day of CHAKAKHAN. CHAKA KHAN. CHAKA KHAN...J.LOPEZ gave to me, TWO juggled nuts plus another case of fucking VD.
YEAHHH. THREE OR FOUR FLOPS IN THE BANK & BABY DOLL'LL DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING. NOW CAN WE GET A PICTURE UP HERE OF HER WITH A COCK IN HER MOUTH?
On the third day of Chachimas ANNA NICOLE SMITH gave to me, three previously digested French hens, two juggled nuts and yet again some more fucking VD.
THE SASH AROUND HER NECK? I THINK IT READS "DONUTS!" WHY?
On the fourth day of a day where I find out I've been mispelling Chanukah, SHANNON gave to me, four dispiritingly ineffective outcalling ho's, three previously digested French hens, two juggled nuts and a now penicillined former case of VD.
SHANNON WAS A TANTRIC SEX WORKER WHO WAS DISSAPOINTED THAT ALL WE WERE INTERESTED IN WAS LOADS & HOW TO GET RID OF THEM
On the fifth day of the Black Sabbath TOMMY LEE gave to me, fiiiivvvveee fingers squeezed into a fist. Four cheap ho's, three rotten birds, two juggled nuts and a curiously recurring case of VD.
TOMMY LEE AS A GAY MIME. WHICH IS, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, LIKE SAYING THE SAME THING TWICE. NO WAIT...THREE TIMES!
On the sixth day of HeadSliceAllahAkbarMas, CHANTAL CLARET gave to me, six fat crackheads rifling through my shit, five shots to the jaw, four nasty ho's of which she counted herself amongst them, three buckets of Popeye's fried chicken, two juggled nuts and just about the worst goddamned case I've ever seen of fucking VD.
SLOSHY & THE SLOSHES? YEAH. MUCH BETTER BAND NAME THAN MORNINGWOOD
On the seventh day of Kwanzaabananarama, GINGER LYNN she gave to me, seven sluts a sluicing through pools of semen, six chuck taylor wearing sneak thieves, five fucking fingers, four baleful bitches, three KFCs, two juggled nuts and a narrowly averted case of HIV.
WE LOOKED IN THE DICTIONARY UNDER THE WORDS "DESPERATE" & "HO" & "CHARLIE SHEEN" AND THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK WE FOUND: GINGER LYNN PRAYING FOR RAIN
On the eighth day of Christkillermass, LINDSAY LOHAN gave to me, eight bumps of whatever she huffed that day, seven more of her semen slicked friends, six NY crackheads, five fisted homotastic love plungers, four huffy ho's, three French bitches, two juggled nuts and an unidentified lump on my PeePee.
HEROIN. IT DOES A BODY GOOD.
On the ninth day of George Chakiris, PAMELA ANDERSON gave to me...a blowjob.
AND SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING VEGETARIAN? WE CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT
On the 10th day of Liberace, KOBE BRYANT gave to me, 10 gaylords a'leaping over hotel room chairs to get to our ass, nine strippers, eight lactating huffmonkeys, seven sluts a'semening, six fat non-singing slampounds, five TOMMY LEE IS GAY t-shirts. Four stank ho's, three chicken bones, two busted balls and some bomb-ass pussy for free.
KOBE & WIFE: PRACTICING THE ANCIENT CHINESE ART OF JERKITAGE
On the 11th day of WishIWasAnyWhereButHomemas, BRITNEY SPEARS gave to me 11 crackpipers piping, 10 fags a'fucking, nine "No BRET MICHAELS didn't just fuck my wife, did he?" realizing, eight big jugged nuthuggers, seven glazing donuts, six late night phone calls from drunk bitches ringing, five more TOMMY LEE IS GAY t-shirts. Four budget ho's, three chicken mcnuggets, two bowling balls and a syringe full of steroids for me.
OOPS I DID ANOTHER BAG OF FRITOS. AGAIN.
And on the goddamned last day of Christmas, TOM CRUISE & TOM SIZEMORE gave to me 12 totally non-gay men named Ramon giving us a quick rubdown before yet another stilted evening of heteroshamuality, 11 pipelayers laying pipe, 10 inches of the never-ending pageantry of faggotry over at Casa Cruise, nine BRET MICHAELS IS KINDA GAY TOO shirts. Eight teen titqueens that will never appear in a Tom Cruise movie. Seven if CHARLIE SHEEN banged her and I bang her that's almost like me banging Charlie Sheen AL BORDA-ing, six fagaleh hagaleh broads Chantaling, fivveeeee fingers of Tommy Lee deep in TERRELL OWENS' ass, four dirty JUSTIN TIMBERLAKEESQUE man ho's, three chickenhawk taters, two teabagged nuts and an unquestionably delivered case of VD.
WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?! I'M DOING A, UM, NEW MOVIE...NO. SERIOUSLY. WE'RE SPIES IN THE SWISH ALPS. AND WE DO A LOT OF SKIING & STUFF
NEXT WEEK: THE SKULLGAME GUIDE TO USHERING IN THE NEW YEAR INCARCERATED!!!
