SAYS HEFTY HUMPER: "JUST BECAUSE I APPRECIATE AUSTRIAN MAN ASS DOESN'T MEAN I'M GAY!!!

Whatever. In further real spurious statements the drunken and murdering Neil went on to explain that his frequent use of women's undergarments and make up was in no way indicative of a sexuality that may or may not at press time include sweaty interludes with body-builders that may or may not be running for Gauleiter of the Golden State. "That thing was so long ago. Right around the time I killed that Hanoi Rocks dude. And it was just a one time deal. I mean it was like a phase is what I'm saying," said Neil as he pulled his monogrammed silk robe more tightly around his shoulders and sighed deeply.

VINCE NEIL and "FRIEND"

SAYS DIMINUTIVE DIRECTOR AL BORDA: "I'M NOT GAY. AND STOP FUCKING COMPARING ME TO HITLER."

MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME POINT-COUNTERPOINT

"CRAZY" ITALIAN SAL for the DEFENSE vs. THE RIGHT HONORABLE VINNIE ROSE for the PROSECUTION

ITALIAN SAL: In that asshole's defense I'd like to say that I gave his GANGBANGING WHORES #4 a good review this month despite his total and complete assholishness. That fact alone mitigates whatever kind of lingering fuckheadism that might have adhered to his person in much the same way that an errant piece of crap clings to the bunghole of a giant like you sir. It does nothing, however, to discharge the general charge of Asshololity and in light of that I move for a guilty plea.

VINNIE ROSE: Did that asshole put you up to this? You can't plead guilty just to try to head off the damaging testimony that will eventually come pouring from this charge like the pus from a festering wound. Moreover, we are ALSO charging him with crimes against humanity for being filmed trying to fuck Roll's Royces with ruthless abandon.

AL BORDA AND "FRIEND"

ITALIAN SAL: Fine with me. Let's get some lunch.

SAYS POPULAR NEGRO SODOMITE AND PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE: "HEY, ASS IS ASS."

The press gallery is taking a break to nod in total agreement, while simulatenously asserting their collective heterosexuality by patting each other FIRMLY on the backs.

KOBE AND "FRIEND" HUGGING AT AN "ARMS ARE FOR HUGGING RALLY.

MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME GETS INVITE TO FUCKING FUCK PLAYBOY UP

Goddamned right. MONDAY, AUGUST 11TH at 5 PM. JULI ASHTON and Tiffany WILL BE INTERVIEWING VINNIE, ITALIAN SAL, AND GINO.

WE...WILL...BE...ALL OVER THAT, WE GARONFUCKINGTEE IT!!!

Now for those of you withOUT satellite radio lemme just you a brief sample of the kind of scintillating shit you'll be missing by missing this interview.

Juli Ashton: Well thanks for coming. Glad you guys could make it.

ITALIAN SAL: Your eyes look just wonderful in this light. Really. Has anyone ever told you that?

Juli Ashton: Why, yes. All the time in fact, haha.

VINNIE: Were they as handsome as us?

Juli Ashton: Is that even possible?

VINNIE: My point exactly.

ITALIAN SAL: Fuck this. Enough with the small talk baby, put OUT.

Juli Ashton: Haha, you guys are hilarious.

GINO: In any modern society on any given day do you imagine, could you imagine that a cock like this [produces cock] would even come close to being considered hilarious?

Juli Ashton: Ok. Look.

ITALIAN SAL: No you look baby, I...I...NEED you.

VINNIE: WE need you.

GINO: I just want to fuck you.

VINNIE: WE want to fuck you.

ITALIAN SAL: Has anyone ever told you you're even cuter when you're angry?

GINO: But seriously, when a man and a woman and two other men feel the kind of love that's like the love that's passing between us, well then I know it's love, baby, and not infatuation. Not some passing fancy. Not some situation where we all fuck you, put on our clothes and run out of your apartment laughing and high-fiving each other like we've done so many times before. It's the real life love thing that, that, you know spans the ages like the agony of defeat or the thrill of victory. I mean what I'm saying is, well, ok, you forced me to say it: I LOVE YOU.

VINNIE: And I love you, too.

ITALIAN SAL: And while I'm sure that both of my cugini love you with a love that knows no bounds it is MY incredible and boundless love that is achingly expressing itself here in my hand that I need to bring to your attention. Kiss it. Stroke it. Love it, baby, because it loves you. Like I love you.

[voice trails off, tape ends]