But first a little PORN business: an OPEN LETTER to DICK DELAWARE:

Is there a special reason, after our repeated attempts to do so, that you will not fight us? Fear? OK. What else? Small nut-itis? Check.

Perfect.

"DICK" HIDING BEHIND SOME HO

Until such time as we've been told differently we can do nothing but assume that SKULLGAME is still the fucking toughest game in town. Thanks for asking.

ASSLEE SIMPSON, THE "SMART" ONE, SIMULATES SUCKING SOUNDS FOR SUCKINGLY EMBARRASSING LIVE SUCKFORMANCE

I DYED MY HAIR BLACK BECAUSE SUCH IS MY DAMNED ARTISTIC SOUL

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- ASSLEE SIMPSON, sister of JESSICA SIMPSON and purportedly the half of the duo that knows that chickens are not aquatic animals, has parlayed her recent lip sync bust into San Fernando porn fame.

The dyed-dark brunette singer, whose recent Milli Vanilla-esque stumble on a pre-recorded track of her voice singing "Pieces of Me" that began while she had her mouth closed and resolved itself in an awkward dance and stage exit on SNL, is now doing what she does best: sucking.

"We knew all along that she had what it took," said RED LIGHT DISTRICT'S VINCE VOUYER. "What with sucking being like a family fucking heirloom over there at the Simpson household. So we've had her in studio doing all the suck sounds for our features that feature botched suck audio. She's great. A real professional.

At sucking I mean."

LINDSAY LOHAN IN "HOSPITAL" AS PUBLICISTS EXPLORE NEW CODE WORDS FOR JUNK SICKNESS

LINDSAY LOHAN LOOKING FOR "THE MAN' BY THE NAME OF MR. DOWNTOWN BROWNSTONE

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Mean Girls" star and teen tit queen LINDSAY LOHAN was recovering at an area hospital Tuesday after being admitted with a "high fever" and "headache," her publicist said. "And heroin."

Lohan, 18, who has been in Los Angeles filming the upcoming movie "Herbie: Fully Loaded," was hospitalized Thursday with a 103-degree fever, publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik said. "She's resting and getting better," Zelnik said. "And offa heroin."

The undisclosed illness, or Junk sickness, forced the actress to postpone taping a cameo role on "That 70's Show." Production on "Herbie" was also halted and would resume after Lohan recovered, her publicist said, "from her crippling addiction to heroin. I mean fevers and headaches."

AND BECAUSE NO COCK-SUCKING SECTION IS COMPLETE WITHOUT HER: PARIS HILTON SUCKS NEW AND EXCITING COCKS

TOMORROW THERE WILL BE NEW COCKS. AND NEW CHALLENGES. AND NEW COCK CHALLENGES. AND IF HISTORY IS ANY INDICATOR, I WILL SUCK THEM ALL.

LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- Socialite Slut PARIS HILTON did something today that had something to do with sucking something or other. First she, apparently and according to published reports, sucked her man Mark Philippoussis' tennis rival Andy Roddick.

While Hilton had been declaring she was "head over heels in love, especially if by love you mean 'willing to suck with great intensity'," with Mark Philippoussis, she also, in the full blush of first love, managed to "lock lips" at Las Vegas nightspot Light on Sunday, especially if by locking lips you mean cock gobbling.

Hilton's publicist Richard Squire has laughed off Hilton's supposed declaration for Philippoussis, saying, "The message from Paris was 'What is this all about? It is a well-known fact that I suck with the kind of ease most reserve for handshakes. Please make sure the record reflects this.'"

THE OLSEN TWINS: BACK IN ACTION!!!!!!!!