It should be noted that while we at SKULLGAME officially don't support just any ol' kind of violence, particularly violence against women, small men, mouthy fucking dwarves or snot-nosed retards, we UNDERSTAND it. But for legal reasons at this time we just can't CONDONE it.

I AM THE PATRON SAINT OF "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO."

BACKSTREET MANBOY LOVER NICK CARTER GIVES PARIS HILTON SUCH A PINCH

RAIN? OR SEMEN? GUESS CORRECTLY AND WIN A PRIZE!!!: AN ADDLED NICK CARTER PRIOR TO HIS MEETING WITH MR. FIST

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Despite his initial appearance of a totally uncharacteristic, seemingly non-homofied equanimity, NICK CARTER, must have had a conniption fit befitting a twink with a temper: PARIS was spotted covered in mysterious cuts and bruises at a Hollywood party this weekend. The HILTON HO refused to explain her swollen lip and purple marks to concerned guests at the Concord Club, according to published reports.

AH WELL. BACK TO WORK!!!

One shocked witness says, "Paris had a huge bruise on her lip and massive marks down her arms. Whatever happened to her was obviously caused by a very enraged not-so-repressed homosexual named NICK CARTER and it looks very painful."

"At least as painful as a recently received chest tattoo that reads PARIS," huffed and puffed an anonymous source in the full blush of righteous homo indignation.

FILED UNDER: YOU'RE LUCKY THAT'S ALL YOU GOT LAID ON YOUR ASS

OH MY GOSH, TROY GOT HURT? HE FELL ON A BOTTLE, RIGHT?

ENCINO (SkullGame) -- A 15-year old boy riding an all-terrain vehicle (ATV) at MICHAEL JACKSON's Neverland Ranch was hospitalized after the vehicle had a flat tire and flipped. An attorney for the entertainer said Friday while...wait a minute...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Oh. We're sorry...The teen was airlifted from the statutory rape ranch and "is just fine, no broken bones, no internal injuries, nothing consistent with a rugged and repeated buggering...he...well, he's doing just fine," co-counsel Brian Oxman said.

The teenager was a "private" "guest" at Rancho Rapo, Oxman said. He would not release any more information about him except to say "He's doing fine and looking forward to going back to the ranch. But he's fine. No reports of any sort of sodomy, or mutual masturbation or anything of the kind and that's the important thing," said a visibly panicked Oxman.

CHRISTIAN SLATER DRINKING AGAIN: FOR GODDAMNED SURE!

OH SURE. I'LL GET OUT. WITH STRIPPERS THIS OLD IT'LL BE A GODDAMNED PLEASURE!!!

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Actor CHRISTIAN SLATER allegedly was kicked out of a London lap-dancing club on Saturday -- for being disguised as late American President RICHARD NIXON.

Promoters at Stringfellows club ordered the actor, 34, to remove the frightening rubber mask because it scared the fuck out of the dancers. Slater refused -- explaining he didn't want the press to recognize him -- so he was promptly marched out of the nightspot, reports Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper.

A club source reveals, "He was screaming at the top of his fucking lungs 'I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I, CHRISTIAN SLATER, AM WEARING A DISGUISE AS LOW PROFILE AS TRICKY DICK NIXON. SO NOW JUST LEAVE SO I CAN ENJOY MY FUCKING TITTIES IN PEACE, PLEASE.' Well, Christian is one of our favorite customers. He's not keen on being photographed going in or out but he's never resorted to fancy dress before."