Mack Avenue Skullgame
Vinnie Pick of the Week
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If you're dealing with us?
Why, yes, you will be
[ Full Review ]








12.03.04
WELL AFTER THE MOURNING'S OVER, ANNA NICOLE SMITH STAGGERS ON IN SKULLGAME'S TRIBUTE TO THE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. PLUS: JESSICA SIMPSON'S ASS SPEAKS & WE INTRODUCE YOU TO ALMOST ALL OF VINNIE'S FRIENDS

Volleyball is a fucking stupid game played by retards. But we will watch it anyway. For its display of, um, athleticism. And stuff.

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SEE? SHE JUST GOT A DOUBLE DIGGY FOR SNAPPING A TAP! WHAT A GREAT FUCKING GAME! EVEN MY COCK THINKS SO.



IN DAY 17 OF MOURNING FOR OL' DIRTY BASTARD, ANNA NICOLE SMITH "SORT OF PUSHING IT," SAYS LIZA MINELLI

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"YOU SEE IT EVEN HAS A POCKET FOR MY SPARE NEGRO," SAYS "STONEY" SMITH WITH HER SPARE NEGRO FLAVOR FLAV. YEAAHHH, BOOOYYY!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Busty blonde bombshelter ANNA NICOLE SMITH had to be escorted from ANOTHER stage last night in a paroxysm of grief when organizers of the VH1 Big in '04 awards feared she was about to plop one of her aggressively documented dig dugs out on the podium in a confused expression of mourning for the recently departed rapper OL' DIRTY BASTARD.

The model, who was reportedly having an adverse reaction to the 13 somas, 8 Viks, and 2 Neurontins she had washed down with whiskey, appeared unstable and slurring at last month's American Music Awards, and was showing off a giant bra she "used to wear" before she lost weight on the TrimSpa diet.

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IN A SPEECH AT THE TOYS FOR TOTS COLLECTION CAMPAIGN IN HOLLYWOOD

But when it looked like she was about to show off her breasts before the only lens in America that had not already photographed them, a VH1 crewman was sent out to escort her off the stage.

One woman who found Anna Nicole's latest controversy hilarious was LIZA MINELLI, who said, "Without her the world would just be a boring, no-drugged-up-rich-fat-sloppy-broad-titty-flashing kind of place. Hey...wait a minute..."



JESSICA SIMPSON'S ASS HAS ITS SAY: "I'M THE BRAINS OF THIS FUCKING OUTFIT."

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AND A NATION NODS ITS HEAD IN AGREEMENT


LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Pop slut JESSICA SIMPSON's angry ASS, increasingly paranoid about attempts to dismiss its contribution to the meteoric rise of her owner's career, got enraged when it was mocked by its "Dukes of Hazzard" co-star JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.

The ass, who beat Britney Spears' Ass for the coveted role of Daisy Duke in the big-screen remake, has reportedly had enough of her owner's, and others, jokey antics.

"When I think of all the crap I have to take just being connected to this broad," said a visibly perturbed ass. "Well it makes me just want to shit."




THE SKULLGAME HOLIDAY TRIBUTE TO THE HARDWORKING MOTHERFUCKERS WHO MAKE THIS PAGE POSSIBLE IN LIEU OF ACTUALLY GIVING THEM BONUSES OR TIME OFF OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. FORTHWITH: ALL OF VINNIE'S NEW "FRIENDS"



THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

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A.K.A. The Fucking Flying Dutchman is like one of those guys that was damned near indispensable to almost any neighborhood when we wuz growing up: the guy who would do anything. Which is sort of cool. When you're 10. When you're 10 having a guy around who'll eat shit off the ground is GOOD. It breaks up all of that fart-lighting, piss-water balloon monotony. Now, however, it just fucking means almost NONE of us have to review any of the homo-panic inducing Tranny Porn. Nope. The Flying Dutchman does it all. Which means in very practical terms: WHATEVER he wants is A-FUCKING-OK with us. Just as long as he keeps watching that good ol' Tranny Porn. And eating shit off of the office floor for our sordid amusements when things get slow. Oh, yeah, he really is Dutch, too.



JIMMY THE G

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Remember the last time you took your car to a mechanic and you said some shit like "well it was making this funny sort of FLAPPING noise." And then you imitated the noise. For like 5 minutes. And the whole time the mechanic you're talking to is just smiling. And not saying much? Remember that? And then when you came back the next two or 10 times and your car wasn't ready? And then when it finally was ready you drove it away and it exploded, shooting pistons right through your fucking engine block? Remember that? You fucking remember that?!?!

Well then maybe next time you'll remember that your mechanic hates you.

And JIMMY THE G is your mechanic.

Happy fucking motoring.



PACHANGA!

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POW!!! BAM!!! BOOM!!!
And that's just in the first goddamned minutes. You got that KJ? Smoke that shit, man. Because if you don't smoke it, PACHANGA! will. Because he wrote the book on smoking it. Fucking it. AND fucking forgetting it AFTER fucking it. Are you a Hot Bitch With A Pussy That Fucks (HBWAPTF)? Then come around, eh, haina.



WERNER ASSBENDER

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He calls himself FASSBINDER, we call him ASSBENDER. We call him ASSBENDER, he only responds to FASSBINDER. Hilarity ensues. And so do big giant titties. Which he is a fan of. That and sportsbars, Leroy Neiman prints of guys playing polo, and big giant titties. Or did we already mention that. He is also a fan of the HUFF, the GLOWER and the SLOW STEAM. And he can make fun of you 14 different ways, not a single one of which will even ever dawn on you. He digs his London flat, because he knows that London ain't where it's at. Yeah yeah, just keep on smiling. You'll get it. Sooner or later.



RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JR.

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You know how we know when someone's going to jail? When they ask us right out of the box "Hey, can I be one of Vinnie's friends?" Sure motherfucking sign. Which is exactly what RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JUNIOR did. While nervously eyeing an all-night convenience shoppe and telling us about his bitches. Enjoy him while you can. Which is to say, before he has to spend all of his time either fighting off anal rape or trying to anally rape someone in one of the fine, fine penal institutions somewhere in the American South.



MR. XTRA

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When some are only willing to go as far as it takes, perhaps taking the SkullGame patented "Path of Least Cocksistence," a man like MR. XTRA is willing to go, well, that extra mile. A convert of mail order hypno-sex kits and a furious assmaster, XTRA rocks the antipodes and drives a hard bargain insofar as the anuses of Asian women are concerned. When he first wandered over to Casa Skull he sat on the couch, said nothing and budged not a foot until we unleashed the semi-auto rifles, which he then proceeded to fire with wild abandon. At the neighbor's cats. Which is why we don't live there no more. Which is also why neither do the cats.



GIRLMED!

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Who the fuck knows? Really. Sal's the only one who's met her. Does she really exist? Goddamn if we know.



MS. PINK

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Now SHE fucking exists. This much is known. Except for The Gypsy's Curse. Which is, MAY YOU FIND A CUNT THAT FITS YOU. So we sent her some vids to review and she did. No prob. Easy schmeasy. But apparently like a key fits a lock one day we sent her the vid that was like the cunt that fits you and this was the vid that sent her into a spiral of masturbation, regret, masturbation, hunt for cock, masturbation, regret, repeat as necessary. She, like Col. Kurtz is goddamned GONE. And the worst part is: we forgot which vid it was that was the psychic blast that moved her from normal woman to cock hound. If you see her, be careful. Be very, very careful.



YOZA

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When we first got to Cali, YOZA was one of the first people we met. He had radically redefined the surf concept of localism by choosing to live in a treehouse on Hermosa Beach. A treehouse that allowed him without a glimmer of amusement to call the sand beneath his fucking feet and the surf beyond, HIS. Disagreed with his assessment? Get your board broken in half, your jaw broken and your mouth jammed full of sand.

Advantages: Always has good bud.
Drawbacks: Likes to steal.



CUPCAKE

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If you come down to the SkullGame offices, maybe we look up from our computers. Maybe we don't. Maybe we speak to you. Maybe we chase you out with a stick. It's totally unreliable and largely based on who made the drug run that day and what they got from CORNHOLIO's friend, RASTA, who lives in the oleander bushes by the 7-11.

That is, unless of course, you're a WOMAN. In which case, you'll be treated with, and to, all the courtly manner befitting a distaff visitor to our humble abode: a mad scramble and chair knocking over DOUBLE TEAMING.

CUPCAKE was such a visitor. Who after aforementioned doubleteaming decided not to pursue legal remedies to the fact that she had not, in fact, ASKED for a doubleteaming, by being made a "staffer." We're glad to have her. From either end.



HOTBOX

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Is largely missing in action. We don't know why. Suspect it might have something to do with the "moral turpitude" clause in the SkullGame contract. That is: moral turpitude must be engaged in. With great frequency. Last seen playing on-line scrabble and contemplating religious conversion.



HEINRICH BIMMLER

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Not the real thing but an incredible simulation, HEINRICH, host of cable TV's ENTER THE FOURTH REICH, derides Jews as "Hebrew head lice", denigrates Blacks as "subspecies" and "mud people," and decries the Holocaust Museum (what he calls The Museum of German Achievement) as a testament of lies. He has pictures of muscle men on his bunker's bedroom wall. Make of this what you would.

"Heil Schwarzenegger!!!"


 


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