skull_weblog

OVER THE HINEY AND BETWEEN THE LEGS, TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE WE GO!

http://www.hotnudegranny.com

OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!

Well, originally I decided to look up "vomit porn" on Google. Because I HAVE FREE TIME MOTHER FUCKER. After a short path, however, I was led to HotNudeGranny.com.

The first though that came to my head, "Dude, that's not cool.... That's... not cool." I mean is there anyone who fantasizes about eating their best friend's "hot" grandma out? Didn't think so.... [Well actually...--VINNIE ROSE]

Anyway... I said screw it. I clicked on the free tour and the first thing I saw was a women who looked about 45 - 55. Tiny disgusting tits near her belly button. The top slogan read,

"She's still hot & sexy after all these years."

The bottom slogan?

"These old timers just love to fuck"

Then I was tempted to click on the Dildo Mommas link but I passed. The free tour continues! WHAT THE FUCK. THIS ENDS. NOW. DONE. BECAUSE I NEED THE PAY FUCKING TOUR BECAUSE I NEED NAKED FUCKED DISTENDED LIVER-SPOTTED FLESH ALL OVER MY SHIT.

BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING CHRISTMAS SEASON AND I'M JUST BUILT THAT WAY, THAT'S WHY.--DEREK GAINES

THE WORLD IS FULL OF ASSHOLES. THE SKULLGAME TALLY ISSUE WHEREIN WE MOURN THE 160,000 TSUNAMI DEAD, RAGE AGAINST PORN SLUTS THAT DON'T USE BIRTH CONTROL & INTERVIEW THE METH DEALER OF THE STARS!!!

Brought to you by Oops-What-Do-I-Do-Now? household cleanser. For those moments when you feel....not quite so....fresh. Oops-What-Do-I-Do-Now?, 10 won't get you 20...with a little elbow grease. Oops-What-Do-I-Do-Now?!!!

WHEN THE QUESTION IS RAISED, "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? SHOOT ME?" THE ANSWER SEEMS TO INVARIABLY BE: YES. YES I AM.

THE AVN PORN SLUT SYMPOSIUM: WHY WE DON'T USE BIRTH CONTROL

LAUREN PHOENIX SEZ "BECAUSE I HATE YOU. THAT'S WHY."

LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- It happened to JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT. It happened to MR. MARCUS. The IT in question? The possibility of fatherhood as a result of a porn slut who got pregnant being a porn slut. That is, ON CAMERA. Far be it from us to pass judgment of any kind on any kind of stupid ass behavior but how does this happen? Cops carry bullets. Housepainters bring ladders. Why don't porn sluts take the pill? Use the I.O.U. Or some Saran Wrap?

KENDALL: Because you're not supposed to be coming inside me anyway. Fucking you was the first time in two years I've fucked somebody without a condom even. Come outside me and I don't get pregnant. Easy.

NAUDIA NYCE:

WE'LL PUT THAT DOWN AS A "FUCK YOU."

What? What?

OLIVIA:

OLIVIA, IN DISGUISE, WITH ONE MOOK, AND THE CAPTAIN STUBBING

What? You came inside me? Fuccckkkk...

ONA ZEE:

MY GYNECOLOGIST USED TO BE A HOUSE PAINTER. ISN'T THAT COOL?

I'm Jewish. We don't get pregnant from fucking. Read your bible. Seriously.

JENNA JAMESON: I use birth control. It's called OverExposure. Works like a charm. Like...a...Charm.

So there you have it. Not a single answer worth a damn. You, porn slut, you and me and baby make three.

Jesus.

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: SKULLGAME MOURNS THE TSUNAMI DEAD

THE BEACHES ARE SO COOL AND EMPTY THIS TIME OF YEAR THAT I THINK ... I'LL...JUST...MASTURBATE MY TROUBLES AWAY.......

THAILAND (SkullGame) -- And for the third week in a row Sal mourns the loss of 150,000 potential hits on www.Skullgame.com. Sal was recently quoted as saying “why oh why couldn’t they have just purchased something with a valid Credit Card before that fucking wave!?! I’m sure someone alive would have enjoyed the porn.”

Reports are still streaming in from Southeast Asia reporting damage in the amount of nearly $75 (Canadian). United Nations spokesperson was reported as commenting “Why oh why couldn’t they have purchased something with a valid Credit Card before that fucking wave hit!?!”

Despite the staggering financial loss, as well as the less important but equally devastating loss of life, most villagers including Thapjang Mooseheliang were reporting above all their losses the most devastating is the loss of their high speed connections, with Mooseheliang commenting “Why oh why couldn’t they have just purchased something with a valid Credit Card before that fucking Wave hit!?!

Get the picture yet? Good!

TALES FROM THE PIPE: JIMMY THE FUCKING G ON THE METH DEALER TO THE STARS: GREG BENSON

BIRDS OF A COCK-SUCKING FEATHER FLOCK THE FUCK TOGETHER

CENTRAL VALLEY (SkullGame) -- SKULLGAME Scrub reporter and lube tech JIMMY THE G takes us to the posh Bakersfield, CA storage unit of one Greg Benson, dealer to such notables as CHASEY LAIN, COURTNEY LOVE, GIA PALOMA, and LINDSAY LOHAN. Benson's deluxe base lab features 55 gallon drums of anhydrous ammonia, an imported laminar flow hood, and a new Kilotech KPS-50 HEAVY-DUTY Bench Scale.

"I know that today's celebrity tweakers have the most discriminating palates ever," opines the wiry Benson. "What with all the doctor shopping, substance-abuse contract clauses, and years of mainlining. I always wanted to make sure that my products' purity and potency were unrivalled in the world of both meth and recently crack dealing, to please my elite clientele. So I spared no expense in fitting my rented storage bin with only the finest lab equipment and supplies. Over here is the Boekel 4-Shelf Stainless Steel Dessicator DOMONIQUE SIMONE likes to snort Ketamine off of when he's in town!"

Jimmy the G promises to post pictures, as soon as he recovers from his exquisite crack psychosis hangover.

GODDAMN THESE FUCKING REPUBLICAN JUDICIARIES!!!

A man found partly disrobed with a woman, cocaine and marijuana in the one-person restroom of an Iowa convenience store in an area known for prostitution had no absolute right to privacy, a federal appeals court ruled Tuesday. An 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel unanimously rejected Lonnie Maurice Hill's claim that police who found him with the woman and drugs breached his Fourth Amendment right to privacy, making the drugs illegally seized and unusable as evidence. Other courts have held that the right of privacy in bathrooms varies case to case, with some judges holding that a stall in a public restroom is not a private place when used for something other than its intended purpose.

WELCOME TO WAL-MART. AND MY COCK. HAVE A NICE DAY.

A Wal-Mart greeter was sacked for apparently showing too much of his friendly side to customers. Dean L. Wooten, 65, was accused of greeting customers with a computer-generated photo of himself in which he appeared to be naked — except for a carefully placed Wal-Mart bag — and of telling customers that Wal-Mart was cutting costs and the sack was the company's new uniform. A supervisor at the Muscatine store where Wooten had worked for seven years told him to knock it off after customers complained. He was fired five days later, in September, after he displayed the photo again.

DRUG OVERDOSES RAMPANT AT RECENT AVN CONFAB. SPECIFICALLY IN THE SKULLGAME ROOM AT MOTEL 6. PORN PUSSY GIA PALOMA, THE DRUG WAR'S LITTLEST VICTIM. CHASEY LAIN REPORTEDLY DOING "JUST FUCKING FINE." TYPICAL.

HABIB recently wrote the following strangely homo-erotic screed:

"Ross found this little ditty on Craigslist yesterday. I'm
confused. I don't get it. But I know it's gay."

Title: Need Str8 Jack Off Bud - m4m - 28
Reply to: anon-53090922@craigslist.org

RANDY CROSS AND TERRELL OWENS PICTURED ABOVE, UM, FOR NO REASON. NOOOOO REASON AT ALL....

Normal goodlooking guy looking for a str8 white JO bud who gets into str8
porn and JO. Hit me up with stats and a pic.

this is in or around Sacramento

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other likewise-fagged out
commercial interests as he's highly, highly, highly closeted. A homo-in-hiding if you fucking will.

"A jackoff buddy? I mean what the fuck kind of faggotry is this? Jacking off with another dude present is gay. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I sure as fuck haven't. Hopefully this guy responds to my email calling him a 'faggot' 100 times."

That wacky fucking repressed Islamic homo Habib.

PORN SLUT GIA PALOMA OVERDOSES ON MY MANMEAT. AND METH. AND COKE. AND K. AND E. AND H. BUT MOSTLY MANMEAT. VEGAS CROWDS CLAIM, "ME TOO."

GIA PICTURED HERE WITH HER MOMMA, HER DADDY, THAT NIGGA IN THE ALLEY. AHHH, THE NIGHT IS YOUNG....

LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- In the clearest cut case of "what happens here, stays here," being a pack of unadulterated fucking bullshit lies insofar as hospital visits, Motel 6's, and slob-knobbins are concerned, GIA PALOMA'S recent AVN-related OD didn't noticeably manage to stay anywhere near here, especially if here is anywhere outside of Motel 6. And anywhere at all away from SkullGame news wires.

Because, you see, the Best New Starlet nominee Gia suffered a cocaine overdose at the Venetian's popular Circle Bar Friday night where we had hustled her inert body after it seemed particularly inopportune to be caught with a dead ho in our very expensive Motel 6 penthouse suite. While she said she thought the coke may have been mixed with something else, "I couldn’t tell you how much I did, I really couldn’t," we're just glad she didn't remember us, our room, or our names.

...AND ALMOST FUCKING OVER. COME ON BACK NOW. WE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU.

Paloma later said she wasn’t paying much attention to the appearance of the narcotic, but she did notice that there seemed to be little flaky crystals, making her suspect it was mixed with crystal methamphetamine. A drug expert we spoke to named US said it was more likely “glass,” adding that we was not sure why people who ain't us used it because it reportedly feels like “sticking a drill up your nose” when snorted. "Meth burns," we said, “but glass feels like the fires of hell are burning through your nose. Some people, like us, just like to get high. It’s surprisingly popular at Motel 6.”

AND APROPOS OF JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING, IT'S ANOTHER ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU, COURTESY OF JIMMY THE FUCKING G

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.

DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": I'm 19, blonde, gorgeous, 36C-24-34, and a HUGE Depeche Mode fan. Before a concert, I asked one of the guys setting up their equipment if I could meet the band. He said that if I blew the whole road crew, I could spend the rest of the night with the band, after the show. So I must have sucked over 12 penises, which made me miss the entire set and encore. Then, to top it all off, I was told that the band was waiting to meet me, right through a door that led outside. I was locked out, and never got to meet my favorite band. Is there anything I can do? -- Desperate Monica

ARE YOU SUUURRREEEE DON HO IS PLAYING HERE TONIGHT???

DEAR A LIFETIME OF UNREMUNERATED RIMJOBS:

I don't think you have a case for anything but a reality check. The silver lining to your cloud of scorn is that you got further than most of the millions of teenage puppets who juice over these eurosexuals. To put it bluntly, you smoked the wrong poles. And I ain't talking about guys named Piszko. Yeah, you smoked the wrong poles. Which is not to say you shouldn't have helped out those noble knights of the road with any and all means at your disposal. They just didn't have the pull required to complete a quim-pro-quo arrangement right away.

Next time, try to barter for a little extra backstage time by showing more enthusiasm, and more orifices. You might be surprised at what that bonus booty gets you. Groupies can't hold ANYTHING back - that's their sole purpose for being backstage. Knowing all the lyrics, their favorite colors, etc. isn't what gets you in their pants, since that knowledge was gained by sluts that came, sucked, and comforted before you.

But if you still really want to meet Deepak Chopra, you can--by sucking and fucking yours truly. See, I go way back with the Deep Ass boys. Mickey, Peter, Justin, Ringo and I all go fishing twice a year down off Key West. Just between you and me, I think they're all gay, but if anyone can get them to switch, it's you!

Really, blowing a dozen roadies is the surest way to build up your ho rep, and I bet all the men around you keep you up on a pedestal. So bring your lips down to Casa Skull, and I'll do my best to arrange a meet and greet with the famous Culture Club. Promise.

SWING SHIFT #1: BLACK GANG BANGING

Shooting Star

Rating: THREE "The Best Laid Plans, And Broads, Often Fall Asunder" BUSTED NUTS

I was purposefully looking for something to hate. One of those moods where your leg is tired from kicking the dog. You cut everybody off you could possibly cut off in traffic. You call one of your ho's and punctuate every sentence with "what's that supposed to mean?"

You know: asshole time.

So's I grab SWING SHIFT #1 because it reminds me of that TOM HANKS movie with MICHAEL KEATON of the same name. Which turned into the TV show I hated named BOSOM BUDDIES. Which featured a lot of dudes wearing dresses. And I figure if this is half as bad as that why then I'd be in Asshole Heaven. Dudes. Dresses. Bad jokes and no one getting laid including the mooks watching it.

LISA SPARXXX & THE CRIMINALLY UNDERUSED ORIFICE THAT IS HER MOUTH

Only this ain't that. THIS is LISA SPARXXX. Jesus. Checking shit off of my dance card: She's got an overbite. She's slightly overweight. Yes. Sometimes I like that. Not morbidly fucking obese. Not even plump. Just carrying an extra 10. And she displays a marked penchant for a basketball team of black cock. Which means this fucking roly poly gets all rolled and poled by foot long summer sausages again and again.

Do I like the vast preponderance of dudes? DONALD RUMSFELD says no. In fact in any gangbang the rule is there should not be more men present then there are holes. Unless he's holding the camera. Otherwise it's just gay. And this has that. But it also has LISA SPARXXX looking for all the world like a nice suburban housewife getting plowed by the gardeners. Because she can, baby. Because she can. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/123906.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JOHN LESLIE'S CRACK HER JACK #3

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "My Dick Is Suckin' Air" BUSTED NUTS

I had a box of pornos under the bed that I have been meaning to look at and review, but I haven't got around to it cuz the surf is been up with the swells from the Tsunami and all that, but I heard that Vinnie cuts guy's toes off and shit so I thought I better get my ass in gear.

ANGEL DARK. NEITHER AN ANGEL, NOR VERY DARK. BUT AN AMAZINGLY ACTIVE PIECE OF ASS. GO FIGURE.

CRACK HER JACK #3--that's a fuckin' dope name, if by dope you mean it sounds like a snack food you eat when on dope, but anyway, I grabbed it cuz it was on the top.  Ok, there's some chick stripping and some lame POV nip-twiddling.  I'm bored by this skeeze already so I decide to make myself, uh, less critical. 

BUT FUCK!  All my dope is gone! 

The baggie of homegrown, the block of hash, three or four bindles of shitty meth-stomped whiffy, a little chunk of tar, odds and ends of this and that, ALL FUCKING GONE!! You might think that isn't a big deal, but then you'd be a fucking dick.  I can't watch this fucking self-referential bullshit paean to Onan without SOMETHING evening things out! 

Sooo, I tip the whole drawer up over my frisbee and a bunch of little powdery shit sprinkles out, with weird little chunks and maybe some dope seeds from when I was in Jr. College and some flakes of co-Kine, and I roll it up in a big dubba-wide and smoke it. It tasted like rat ass, but man, after about four tokes I was already adjusting well to my new higher state. I felt my IQ go up. Like 20 points.

Back at the console, some foxy blonde cheerleader was getting worked up the drain-pipe by a guy who was alternating that and getting the butt-spew licked off by the tittie twiddler that was yawning me so bad at the start. She has a cute ass, though, but these two chicks definitely need to learn to yank the laundry when the workout starts--if I wanted to look at some chick's bra I'd snake one of Gordo's Stick-torias Sneakret catalogs outta the john. 

Anyway, I start whackin' at it and blow, and then I blow again when this chick SIMONY (fuck these people are fuckin dumb-even I know it's SIMONE and pronounced See-Moan, like a french dude talking about spooge) and she is so hot getting ass-slammed that I shoot again.

I got a little disorganized at that point on account of the drugs and all, and there was spit and spooge and a little blood from somewhere all over the place.  I started hallucinating that maybe I shit myself when I spewed the last time, so I got up to look on the papasan chair and when I looked back at  the TV there was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen--ANGEL DARK, fuck I'd like to know her real name, but I'm sure that would just lead to another restraining order and my proboff will be pissed.

Anyways there was a scene with her and this other blond coed-looking babe, and every time the dude did Angel his cock would get harder than 8th grade math, but when he went back to the other chick it kinda limped along.  Angel takes it up the ass like a seal jumping into the water: a slip and a splash, and in it goes!  That chick has got some special manna, it even came through the TV. I spurted again, but nothing came out.  In fact, I was a little worried because it sounded like there was actually some air SUCKED BACK IN--but then Skelly told me that was fuckin' impossible, so I chilled.

I'm holding on to this one, for sure! -- YOZA

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/220644.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ROCCO'S TRUE ANAL STORIES #23

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "Falafel" BUSTED NUTS

Here we go again with Mr. Rocco's buttslammin' tales to rival Ali Baba & The 40 Buttwinks!

JULIE SILVER WONDERING WHERE TO START TELLING HER ANAL TAIL. WE MEAN TALE. WE MEAN STORY.

TRUE ANAL #23 from Evil Empire/Evil Angel DVD by Rocco Siffredi Productions showcases lots of hole in ones and hole in two's. Best up bitch(es) are the tag team of VERONIKA and PUPY who suck/whack/hump their way through a reasonable crowd of dicks pushing skyward for attention. The tennis tag team of VICTORIA and SARA squirt to victory on the court and are finished off by the Alabama Black Snake God off court. One issue with him is that he absolutely needs to stop fucking sheetrock off stage. This will in all likelihood get the ding out of his left turning tool...a little medically distracting oddity for this whackmaster.

CAMELIA really eats her fuck with gusto on her boat ride with SUZIE and SHAINA. Heavy drilling for natural resources off shore, no shit! I wish I knew them before they were famous!

A very, very reasonable collection of prick-eating buttfuckers. Pachanga says whack it. Whack it good. -- PACHANGA!

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/220647.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

KICK ASS CHICKS #8

Kick Ass Productions

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "Totally Jewerrific" BUSTED NUTS

If we said it once, we said it 1000 times. Possibly to refute the rabid and virulent antisemitism of PERRY the GREEK. Or Heinrich Bimmler. But we love them Jew broads. Case in point: JESSICA DARLIN. Now we don't know for a fact that she's a member of the tribe. But we do know that she certainly fucks like it. Like, like, like she's about to make some unleavened bread or something, Jessica is clearly a chosen fuckaholic and goddamned it if it don't show and show in a way that turns fuckaholicism into a contagious disease.

JESSICA DARLIN? WHY, YES, SHE IS!

And lest you think we're some version of fan boy know this: we saw her up close (tiny girl) and personal (with not the greatest skin) at AVN looking for all the world like chicks that we banged and don't call back but it still didn't matter: she gives great vid.

By? Why, by fucking like she actually likes to fuck.

So despite this flicks lame as it ever was story conceits--veganism, riot grrlism, real estateism and some MARY CAREY-esque militarism--Jessica carries the day. Especially if by carry the day you mean drain my balls dry. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/136488.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

CHRISTOPH’S BEAUTIFUL GIRLS #16

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Anal Winks" BUSTED NUTS

CHRISTOPH CLARK'S BEAUTIFUL GIRLS #16 from Evil Angel/The Evil Empire/Clark Euro Angel welcomes the not-so-lost art of assfucking but this time with....OK, Beautiful Girls. Not to be confused with the buttfucking anthology of ASSFUCKERS OF HORRID BITCHES VOL. 1-666.

OK?

"I'M MOSTLY INTERESTED IN LINGERIE MODELING." -- JESSICA FIORENTINO ABOUT TO FIND OUT THE EASY WAY THAT NOBODY CARES

Now read on: Yes, they are pretty and they take it up the ass. And hard. This they have learned to do well and it makes for nice viewing. JESSICA FIORENTINO and SANDRA DE MARCO prove beyond any medical doubt that they have the lower colon space to accommodate almost any angry tube steak. With the possible exception of mine which they seem to have bypassed in the sluttish stumble over all the lesser luges sliding up their slots.

So let's recap thusfar: lots of ponytails bobbing up and down, drooling mouths and split fuckholes of all kinds added to the high fashion leaking butts, gaping asses and the filled glotti of a new generation of crime fighters.

My kind of heroines anyday!

Hey, what are ya waiting for, Jackoffski????

A Number 1 Marriage Material!!!!!

Pachanga says get it on if ya love da brown hole! -- PACHANGA!

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MY FIRST PORN

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: THREE "You Ain't Foolin' Nobody 'Cept Yo Mamma" BUSTED NUTS

Nothing beats hot roddin' a hot chick with yer best of rods, not even a hot chick giggling away on a chair knowing full well she's about to be fucked for money and you got first row tickets in this all-you-can-beat buffét. Not even when she undresses and sweet, sweet mammaries greet you head on, or head up, whichever you prefer.

ALEXIS MALONE DISPLAYING HERE CLEARLY HER TOTAL LACK OF COCK

Look, look, I know I'm out of my depth here. She's got tits but no tool? She's no tranny and yet I AM HERE. OK. College try. College try. Especially since no one has yet to respond to our query of our "not so much the money part, but a whole lot of the fucking part" here at the metal wing of casa SKULLGAME, the fucking of the hot chick will have to take a backseat to the beating off to a hot chick...on the couch, full of blow and, of course, lacking those sweet, sweet mammaries.

But what we do get is fantastical in its own special way: ALEXIS MALONE is very tight, very pink and very willing to get stuffed with cock, but it's a shame her face doesn't get completely plastered with paris and/or le coconut creme. What a sight that would be. Almost as good as a dude with tits.

VANILLA is just that, MARY JANE goes great with her twin sister ROACH CLIP, and star of the show CHEROKEE never looked better. Considering she doesn't actually have a cock or nothing. -- THE FLYING FUCKING DUTCHMAN

Buy it NOW!

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HEAVY HANDFULS #4

Elegant Angel

Rating: FOUR "Ballsful" BUSTED NUTS

OK guys, HEAVY HANDFULS #4 is a fun and aerobic film starring LONI and directed by William H. for Elegant Angel. Sometimes I wonder if it is William H. Macy behind the lens...??

ALICIA RHODES PAYING HER DEBT TO HUMANITY THE ONLY WAY SHE NOWS HOW

Loni is a true fuck bitch. Fuck Bitch.

This is the kind of gal that has True Hole. She is the shit. This cunt rides her meatsticks like an Olympian. She almost gags from getting gored from behind. Then she screams "YOU FUCK THAT SHIT HARD! YOU FUCK THAT SHIT HARD!" While her eyes are bugging out like ripe olives. Something about that phrase makes ya lose yur baby batter.

I like having a bitch refer to her hole as "shit". Like: FUCK MY SHIT! FUCK MY SHIT! Not something you expect from the girl who sat next to you in Biology Class but you always wished for it. SHAWNIE and ALICIA RHODES all do well taking massive prick meat and ball jam in every way and hole without complaint or filling up too quick.

Good Blow Bangs from Bossgirl who ends up lying in a pool of fuck juice screaming: WHO IS THE NEXT!! WHO IS THE NEXT!!

You could have been a contender Jackoff!

Pachanga Says: WHIP IT OUT! -- PACHANGA

Buy it NOW!

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SKULLGAME EXECS JUMP SHIP SO THAT THEY CAN PLAY AMIDST THE SLUTTERY AT AVN WHILE THE OFFICE BOUND SLAVES TRY TO COME UP WITH THE JOKES: PARIS HILTON GOES INTO A BAR WITH A MOUTHFUL OF COCK...OH YEAHHHH...

In a fevered call from the car VINNIE back from Vegas dictated what will be the first of the libel, slander and mean-spirited innuendo that will constitute this week's ADULT VIDEO NEWS reportage. Dictation was taken by SUSIE KEEFE.

We just got her up to speed on the difference between a pen and a dildo so please don't hate.

WAIT...GOD IS TALKING TO ME. OH...THAT'S YOU ON THE SPEAKERPHONE?!?! OHMIGOD. I FEEL SO STUPID...

THE BEST FUCKING NON-COCONUT OIL BASED BULLSHIT THAT YOUR MONEY CAN BUY A.K.A. WHAT WE SAW BETWEEN TIMES OF US GETTING HIGH & GETTING OUR JOINTS JAMMED BY SLUTS DE LA CREME

VEGAS (SkullGame) -- Forthwith let the pain begin.

1) CHASEY LAIN

YEAH. LIKE THIS. BUT WITHOUT THE STRAW.

Our perennial HIGH TIMES gal, showed up to sign with ADAM & EVE, but kept disappearing into our bathroom stall and between coconut squeezing breaks huffed our stuff like we were cartel and it was free. Had it not been for the freely flowing fellatio we would have surely complained.

2) IF YOU CAN'T DRAW A CROWD, DRAW A COCK AWARD goes right to VIVID for tearing down the JILL KELLY PRODUCTION posters.

3) THE "I HAD NO IDEA-YEAH FUCKING BULLSHIT" AWARD...

BEHIND ONE OF THESE ZIPPERS YOU WILL FIND A COCK, CHINGY. SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

...goes to the rapper CHINGY who was freaking with a tranny onstage and didn't know. Yeah. Strange that he didn't know but LLOYD BANKS seemed to when he said at the awards "I'd start hugging y'all but I don't hug tranny's."

4) The PURE PLAY party, which we were apparently disinvited to because of, well, you know, because we're fucking US, ended up being an absolute crush of 4000 people trying to get into a place that held only 1500. And so it was great amusement that we saw that the VIRGIN MEGASTORES people who backed it, couldn't get in. And then even better we saw that when we got in it was nothing but cocks in there anyway.

5) JESSE JANE was making out with chicks.

DEVON, OUR INTREPID DRIVER SUK MUK DIK, & THE E.T.-ESQUE JESSE JANE

Wake me up after this thought in and of itself has put me to sleep.

6) The VENETIAN is the world's most fucking suckingly lousy place to do anything and in protest we will not go there again. Until next year.

7) SEAN MICHAELS, ALEXIS AMORE & UNKNOWN TRANNY

WE TOLD HER WE WERE GOING TO RAPE HER. AT FIRST SHE THOUGHT WE WERE JOKING & THEN SHE TOOK US SERIOUSLY. AND AT FIRST WE WEREN'T JOKING & THEN WE WERE...WILL THE TWAIN NEVER MEET?

...giving out the Best Actress award mistakenly to SAVANNAH SAMPSON who came out in a towel and then dropped the towel and fled the stage after the rightful owner, JENNA "STEPFORD SUCKER" JAMESON was announced.

Yeah. Exactly. So the fuck what?

8) JULES JORDAN renewed his push for CORNHOLIO cock in one of his vids.

9) CORNHOLIO said yes. But was largely unsure of what this means, so we'll translate: EVIL ANGEL's got a gay line they think you'd be GREAT for.

and finally

10) Though our noses and cocks will never be the same we're shocked and saddened that for the second year running DICK DELAWARE has fled his Fight Street meet with VINNIE ROSE.

SKULLGAME ALSO DECLARES TODAY RED LIGHT DISTRICT DAY!!!!

For reasons that for legal reasons we won't talk about here but be assured that there are very, very, very good reasons for it.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, KILL, KILL AGAIN

A woman once acquitted in the death of her boyfriend has pleaded guilty but mentally ill to charges she killed another boyfriend, whose body was found stuffed in a freezer. Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong, 55, of Erie, was sentenced to seven to 20 years in prison Friday for third-degree murder and abuse of a corpse in the August 2003 shotgun slaying of live-in boyfriend James Roden, 45. Diehl-Armstrong had denied killing Roden, blaming a friend who later admitted he helped her clean up the crime scene, dispose of the shotgun and store Roden's body in a freezer at his home.

JOHN LESLIE'S VOYEUR #28

I spy with my little Eye something

that starts with the letter ASS

216910

BLACK DICKS IN ASIAN CHICKS

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "Ching Chang Leroy's Wang" BUSTED NUTS

I know lots of fucking black dicks. There's that scanless motherfucking Negro ERIC CARMEN who by my count still owes me 2 G's. And I ain't talking about Gangsters. Then there's VAUGHN WILLIAMS who snubbed me when he thought he was going pro (welcome to high school coaching, motherfucker). And then there was CRAIG SPEAR and what?

Well maybe I goddamned SHOULD watch the movie first.

OK, OK, I'm back. My fucking mistake. You see whilst I thought this vid was about BLACK dicks, it's really about black DICKS. All the difference in the world. And while director DAVID LUGER has churned out enough shit that it's caused the untimely demise of not one, but TWO SkullGame writers over the extendedly wrangled BUSTED NUTS decision sessions, with this one he redeems himself like he was trying to win an award or something.

AND AN HOUR LATER? THAT'S RIGHT...YOU'RE HUNGRY FOR MORE PUSSY

Either that or there's just about nothing as cool as watching Asian broads get banged by big black fucking mambo snakes. I mean think about it. It's like that Chevy I'm building: fitting the smallest car with the biggest engine I could find. Likewise, packing prick into girls that you know ain't faking it when they squeal in delight (pain? discomfort?), makes all the difference in the world. It's the ANTI-GIRL-ON-GIRL-DOTE.

Case in fucking point: KIWI LING. And the cocks that belong to MSSRS. BRIAN PUMPER and BYRON LONG.

Picture that broad from FLYING BITCHES, CROUCHING COOZE getting gang shagged by 17 inches of angry cock and you've got a close approximation of this flick's piece de asstance.

Sort of weird seeing DARREN JAMES but we're convinced that he, like STAGLIANO, has a long life of condom-filled fucking ahead of him, just not on film, so nothing will soften my tool or tendency of giving this every single of my available and now thoroughly busted nuts. -- VINNIE ROSE

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GIRL ON GIRL

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "For Mia, The Blonde & One Other Tidy Brunette Whose-Name-I-Strangely-Missed With Great Heels ONLY" BUSTED NUTS

Damn, why do these titles have to be so ambiguous? What could one expect from such a cryptically titled DVD called GIRL ON GIRL?

Hmmm.

YEAH. SURE. WHATEVER. THREE BROADS "GETTING IT ON." RIGHT.

Well, possibly not one thing: the impulse to smack the fuckin' narrator and his weary POV device across the face with a shovel. I so want to. Can't there be an interactive feature built in where this option is somehow emulated?

Smack. Smack. Take aim aaaaand... smack. There (wipes hands on trousers).

I can't be the only one. I also wonder if his vision, his canny PANACHE for mise en scene was responsible for decking out each set up like the interior of a funeral directors? Strangely, this starchy, crypt-like atmosphere -- actually, think of the type of place your company pays for you to visit on some work-related team-building day, where you throw balls at each other and group together in teams -- that's what it looks like. Maybe the girls got to break for coffee and snacks too, reconvening at, shall we say, a half past the hour to presume with the purple double dildo scene?

Anyway, the starchyness isn't limited to the surroundings: they must have some on-site underwear trolley from which the girls took their pick. Only problem is that the choice du jour was obviously themed "matronly". It fuckin' is. It's really polite and feminine. Delicate. Comfortable. So if you like that, you
totally feel aroused by the sight of tasteful female underwear... jesus what a worry.

The only one who looks as if she could do some damage is the little redhead (MIA? GIA? FIA? TIA? Why are they always named after small cars?) who appears as part of a pleasant-think tennis-threesome. The blonde (KELLEMARIE?) in the scene with, erm, the other one (MIKAYLA? Look, if I got them wrong, swap them fucking over, feel BETTER now?) sells it for me too. But not as much as the shovel thing.

Look, we all know that they'd all jump up after the camera is switched off and squeal "Me me! First in the pool!" You know it. Women do not like having sex with each other. Or with you. They talk about it (have I already been down this route?), smirk at you on the subject like it MIGHT one day happen and YOU maybe involved.

But it fuckin' won't. Get over it.

And it's disgraceful that chumps like whoever's behind this DVD can't at least do something more effective in the way of portraying a cruel lie.  Or at least find/pay some talent that doesn't remind you of a brutal older cousin that is only interested in demeaning you and stealing your CDs before attempting to outdo her volleyball partners in the hefty thigh stakes. Hell, what other real life equivalent are we supposed to draw? -- WERNER ASSBENDER

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/216585.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

DAVID LUGER'S TEENS NEED CHOCOLATE CUM

Red Light District

Rating: THREE & A HALF "For The Girls, The Concept Can Go Fuck Itself" BUSTED NUTS

If any of my friends in the SkullGame collective are interested, I now have the results of a recent poll. You will remember that I did extensive market research with the aid of an independent scrutineer, examining what sort of visual cues/stimuli were most desireable when it comes to porn. And the results are in!

You said you wanted:

- more older, overtly sunbed-friendly women with whatever surgery they had done with such discretion and so expertly as to be non-detectable. No one who looks like they were born past 1975. Think Seka.

- minimal to no emphasis on teenage girls who we know simply prioritize sports over sex.

So how'd this slip through the net?

Well, I'm not parochial or biased when it comes to the bounds of the erotic. Lord knows we live in a world where an artistic vision knows no bounds...and with the advent of the digital age and the internet, things are just getting BETTER & BETTER. Increasingly, I marvel at how art triumphs over profit and how, despite the lure of an easy turnaround, the art of pure arousal is not diluted by the quest to make a living in a healthily competitive market.

WHAT MISSY DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT WE'VE SWITCHED HER FOLGER'S WITH BLACK COCK THAT WILL, NO MATTER HOW HARD SHE TRIES, YIELD ANY OTHER FLAVORED CUM THAN THE USUAL

So now...on greasily fumbling with the cover of this release you will no doubt be enchanted by PAIGE. There she is: young, impossibly fresh, cute but (ah ha!) on the back of the cover there she is flanked by large cocks! Boy, did someone turn up the heat in this room or is it just me? PHEW! How could one so foxy and wholesome allow herself to be thus defiled?

Ooooh, such a delectable schism.

Yet in her scene I think the direction was definitely "go easy" as it has a sort of somnambulism about it... she's distracted, there's muffled, apologetic grunts every now again but the ambience is pretty uncertain and tentative. Hell, I felt sorry for looking...could someone tell me if she's ok, not traumatized?

Fuck, just go for MISSY. She's a firm favorite and is about as much of a teenager as FRED DURST is... totally lithe, dismissive and within a deceptively pleasant blonde exterior undoubtedly beats a heart pumping liquid nitrogen and really missed what should've been a her proper career: taking over from Mantas when he left Venom. I bet she doesn't even have a website, being so rock 'n roll. Please tell me she doesn't. Her quote of the show? "FUCK, it's big." "That's the biggest dick you've ever had?" "Oh fuck yeah."

Yeah right. "Before lunch" she meant. The biggest dick she had. Before. Lunch. She's the Emerson Lake & Palmer of having dicks up her ass, sure she's really flinching. She, like most girls in a similar situation, is thinking of something else not involving sex, dicks, arousal, porn or men. The dick up her ass is abstract.

Or try MELISSA LAUREN. In appropriate teen vernacular I'd say she "rocks". But what an insult-like all present day teen culture-that would be. She is just simply great-looking. I'm almost tempted to say that I'd love to date her. But, as I live in England, where would such a date occur? The pub? I may as well take her to a bus shelter in Moss-fucking-Side in Manchester...a pity as I quite like Moss Side.

Anyway, why the fuck do you want to know? They only like gay sports in England anyway, fucking horrible myth-riddled place. -- WERNER ASSBENDER

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/216840.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MIKE JOHN'S TEENAGE SPERMAHOLICS #2

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "Semen - The Gateway Drug To Insanity?" BUSTED NUTS

Beginning with a colloquium of cock stars, discussing how dumb one has to be to be MISSY MONROE'S boyfriend, they soon prove their point on her. Any girl that likes double vaginal is going to be shared pretty often. When her boyfriend drops in on the four guy takedown, it is porn-perfectly timed, right after she swallowed all of the evidence of her sluttery. But the dupe's going to be tasting man-ass when he kisses her. He is clearly mentally defective to believe her ruse, that she only does girl-girl.

TEAGAN PRESLEY, WITH TOE IN MOUTH, WITNESSES THE MAKING OF A GAY MAN

In fact, everyone involved with this movie seems to have more than just the spermaholism screw loose, and I love it. Take, for example, TIANNA LYNN's performance. She screams like a psycho, and squirts so much, that they have to cut several times to wipe off the lens. Nothing says extreme porn like a splattered lens, but they're too anal retentive to just leave it.

CHIQUITA LOPEZ, borderline mongoloid, gets her sperm fix from three cocks, and lithium taker TEAGAN PRESLEY sluggishly milks her drug of choice from two. In the last scene, masochist MELISSA LAUREN is deluded into an arrangement where she pays the rent for her closet in JOHN STRONG's house by fucking him and MICHAEL STEFANO, with the lobotomized TYLA WYNN alongside. Melissa explains, as the credits roll, how getting repeatedly slapped is mere foreplay to her, since she likes getting punched around in the sack.

This movie is perfect for the student of aberrant psychology, those who don't mind seeing open sores on ERIK EVERHARD's ass getting licked (the editor is a sadist), and fans of squirting. For me, I had to take half a nut off for the aforementioned camerawork, and how, in the behind-the-scenes chapter, Michael Stefano discusses his rates for doing a scene without a woman. -- JIMMY THE G

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/217710.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE SKULLGAME ANGER MANAGEMENT PRIMER WHEREIN WE SHOW BEYOND A GODDAMNED SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT IN A TIME OF SUDDEN & VIOLENTLY POINTLESS DEATH WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU.

THE SKULLGAME ANGER TOOLKIT lets you measure your anger that you might use it as a useful tool for managing the measured goddamned anger you might be managing to feel right fucking now.

HE CRIES, SHE FLEES, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR ESCAPE PLAN?

1. How am I feeling right now? Check all that fucking apply, goddamn it.

___ Angry
___ Worthless
___ Hostile
___ Depressed
___ Mean/evil
___ Revengeful
___ Angry
___ Bitter
___ Like a motherfucker
___ Paranoid
___ Victimized
___ Numb. Like ice.
___ Angry
___ Resentful
___ Frustrated
___ Destructive

You see, these are some of the names that we give to our feelings of anger. Other names we give our anger are MIKE LA VELLA. And KATHY WOODS. And the CLEVELAND BROWNS. And, apparently, there is no cure for any of them that doesn't have a bullet attached to it.

FEEEEEL THE BURN.

So you see, the first step in resolving our anger problem is to identify it as anger! LOOK AT IT AND IDENTIFY IT. AS ANGER!!!!

The purpose of this step is to make our anger more specific. So we can focus more clearly on MIKE LA VELLA, KATHY WOODS and the CLEVELAND BROWNS. No one can manage anger that is vague and covered up with fucking euphemisms.

2. Now what the fuck happened to make you angry?

YES. YES. YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED YOUR OWN GODDAMNED COTTON

If we can focus on the specific incident that triggered our anger, our anger becomes more understandable and more easier to manage. (Use available space to answer in as great a length as you need to).
___in this space right here______

3. Who am I angry at?

ONLY THOSE THAT GODDAMNED DESERVE IT VINNIE. ONLY THOSE.

___ My own goddamned self
___ My spouse that fucking piece of shit
___ My partner. Hah!
___ My boss the asshole
___ The kids, oh god, those kids
___ God, goddamn it
___ The Entire Fucking Human Race
___ My Life On This Graying Granite Tomb We Call Earth
___ All men who are fags, which is essentially all men
___ Women and sluts, which are essentially the same things
___ Other races like nigras, chinee, kikes, spics , micks, guineas, and towelheads
___ Miscellaneous

Our anger usually will involve five (5) general areas. Or four (4). Fuck IT. Make that five (5)!!!
(1) Our anger at others for being unrepentant eaters of shit,
(2) Others anger at us for showing them,
(3) Our anger at self for being so stupid, stupid, stupid,
(4) Residual anger from the mocking, humiliation-filled past, or
(5) Abstract anger at the God that obviously hates us.

Now that you have established the fact that you are angry and that your anger has an "object" in the real world, like everyone (else) that deserves to suffer, you are ready for the fourth step in working through the anger process. You are ready to factor your anger into its main components. If you can identify the specific fucking facets of your anger, you will be in a better position to put your anger into a more moderate and more manageable perspective. You can do this by asking yourself a series of focusing fucking questions.

4. How did the situation make me feel besides angry?

CURIOUSLY RELIEVED.

(Example #1: His criticisms of me when I stab his thigh makes me feel unappreciated and good for nothing)
(Example #2: The police never seem to understand this type of thing.)

(Use available space to answer in as great a length as you need to).
___in this space right here______

Now that you have pinpointed your feelings underlying your anger, you are now ready to put your anger in a clearer perspective. The next step is to "peel" your anger down to the next layer of white hotness.

5. What about this angers me the most?

GATHERED ONLOOKERS WHO THINK THEY'RE HELPING BUT WHO ARE IN FACT, JUST SLOWING ME DOWN?

For example, you have established the fact that in the above situation it made you feel powerless, unappreciated or good for nothing. You are now ready to take a closer look at these feelings underlying your anger and formulate a serious escape plan. What is it about being made to feel powerless to not stab him more that angers you the most? Some examples of what you might find upon deeper analysis is:

"there is nothing that I can do about it. Except flee."
"I feel so stupid! For not having fled sooner."
"I feel guilty for allowing it to happen. I mean the not fleeing sooner"
"I feel inadequate to cope with this situation with a car that has expired tags and only a half a tank of gas."

Having peeled your anger down to this level, you are ready now to penetrate your anger at its deepest level. To penetrate again and again until you feel sweet release and you are ready to focus on the real issue underlying all of the prior layers and levels of your emotional distress: the stabbing and the slut that caused it.

6. Now, what about this angers me the MOST?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?! NOT HAVING A VIABLE GODDAMNED EXIT STRATEGY VIS A VIS ESCAPING FROM THE FUCKING PIGS. MORON.

This level of self-analysis usually brings us down to bedrock bellicosity. Down to the fundamental issue that underlies all the others, and which must be identified and relieved if we are to strengthen our vulnerability to mismanaging our anger -- and making our lives more miserable than it needs to be. The answer found at this level of self-analysis often turns out to be, "I feel that YOU are so worthless!" It is hard for us to respect someone who is stupid, helpless, inadequate and powerless! And when we have those feelings towards someone we've stabbed, they destroy our respect for our pre-planned escape plan.

You see, the final step in managing our anger against an unjust world consists of replacing these feelings of worthlessness--even unworthy of our OWN respect -- with its specific antidote. The only antidote for self contempt: blinding rage.

The book Who I Am: Don't You Know? and its companion volume Who The Fuck Are You? goes into the detailed process by which you are able to extricate yourself from this swamp of dismissive contempt, self doubt, and self-recrimination at neglecting good escape planning. You can then begin to get on with the task of coping with the ups and downs of relationships and everyday life.

Good luck brothers and sisters.

Now...OFF TO AVN & SLUTS, SLUTS, SLUTS!!!

YOU CAN TAKE THE BOY OUTTA THE GREEK...BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE GREEK OUTTA THE BOY

An FBI employee has been charged with trying to have sex with someone he thought was a minor but was actually an undercover police officer operating in an Internet sting, authorities said Wednesday. Anargyros Vezyrakis, 37, was arraigned on Tuesday on attempted rape, endangering the welfare of a minor and other charges and was released without bail. A call to his defense attorney was not immediately returned. FBI spokesman Jim Margolin said Vezyrakis worked as a financial analyst with the bureau's New York office, but he declined further comment.

blackhole_10

8-BALL IN THE SIDE... OH FUCK IT!

LEX THE IMPALER

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BARELY NINETEEN #2

Vivid

Rating: TWO & A HALF "If You Get It For ONE Reason Than It Is EASY To Like It" BUSTED NUTS

OK. We ALLLLL know Vivid largely sucks and so to be the first fishwrap hack to say that this HOUR proves nothing and we'd not bore the fuck out of you with this if not for the fact that we got this vid in the full blush and bloom of the knowledge that Vivid is no good but we disregarded this because of one ho and one ho only: LETHA WEAPONS.

LETHA? YOU GODDAMNED RIGHT.

Jesus. She of the mountainous protuberances. She of the face that always reminds me of what STEVE ALBINI once said about PJ HARVEY ("the best looking ugly girl I've ever known"). She of the Hustler Party Christmas party where she showed up with RON JEREMY and helped herself to copious amounts of blow offa my fucking yule log in the men's room bathroom.

Yeah, she was great.

And if I gotta sit through Vivid saltpeter to get to shots of my fucking former fuck cushion, well then I will. Oh yeahhhhhh. I will.

Add to that the whole BARELY NINETEEN deal and my being transported back to the last barely 19 year old I fucked who wasn't Letha. Well, oooo, yeah, she wore a micro-mini sundress and knee high socks and well I...a-hem. Look, suffice it to say that while this video wasn't good, it was goddamned good ENOUGH. -- VINNIE ROSE

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PRIVATE CLASSICS #10

Private

Rating: THREE "Enjoying Stina" BUSTED NUTS

The Private Classics line, in which the Euro porn giant remasters and re-issues their old VHS homages to carnality on DVD, often errs on the side of “relic” rather than “classic.” And while the re-issue of TRIPLE X #10 teeters ever so precariously over the wrong edge, it’s the scene featuring cover girl STINA that makes this one a winner.

KRISZTINA SCHWARTZ, A.K.A. STINA, ABOUT TO GET THE DICKING DOWN TO END ALL DICK DOWNS. AHHH, WE LOVE THEM JEW BROADS!!!!

Stina is oozing with sensuality, something that unfortunately many of the otherwise physically attractive women in porn lack. Any still photos of this girl don’t do her justice. You have to see her move and fuck. And the way she enjoys getting dicked down by two not very attractive middle-aged guys, well, you know she’s good. The other scenes are not bad to better than OK.

But get it for Stina. Lovely, lovely Stina. -- STEELY ROB

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JOHN STRONG'S SEX FIENDS

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: THREE & A HALF "True Calling" BUSTED NUTS

In your high school year book, were you ever voted to be “most likely to...”? Next to KERI SABLE's picture, it undoubtedly said she was most likely to be an on-screen, coconut-loving star of the first order. Everyone must have known it, what with stories about her accepting a dare to suck a guy’s dick in the woods while two other guys watched. See, it was a moot point.

Our purposes in life should all be made so clear and worry-free....

KERI SABLE, APPARENTLY QUITE FAMILIAR WITH THE ROUTINE

Meanwhile, KAT is, like, the flavor du jour. Seriously, two out of three pornos that we’ve been getting lately have got her in them, and half of those have got her ON them. She’s on box covers as frequently as Muhammad Ali was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. And why not? The fine melange of braces and unrepentant ass-fuckery make for a very attractive package.

Also featuring NIKKI LAUREN, who would be our pick as the dream groupie for our budding music band projects, SATIVA ROSE's magical breasts, and poor breathing technique courtesy of MICHAEL STEFANO. Not too bad. -- STEELY ROB

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MAMACITAS #5

Video Team

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Chuuuuuupaaaa Like A Chalupa" BUSTED NUTS

The girls in MAMACITAS #5 really suck. And we mean that with the greatest possible admiration. All six of the hot Latin bitches on hand here suck cock like they’d earned an advanced degree in it. Like someone was going to steal their fucking lunch. Like only good catholic girls trying to stave off their imminent deflowering can suck: with great vim and vigor.

SPANISH JEWS, DAVID LEE, SPINOZA, AVY LEE ROTH. FILL IN PUNCHLINE. LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY. KICK DOG. CALL IT A DAY.

You see there was once a time when sucking cock was a great mystery. High school girls who were very fast mastered it stumblingly but it still held the taint of taboo and so when you saw some beauty with a mouthful of manmeat well it inspired awe of some sort.

But then we all got jaded.

I mean it was cocksucking but it wasn't really cocksucking until SOMEbody was gagging and spitting and slobbering all over the place. And then when it was really cocksucking well it took us a hot minute of that to get totally jaded by that. So the fact that this has le sucking cocque in it for any significant period of time at all and has held our interest is a horn's up endorsement of its horn's-up-endorseability.

And if there’s a scene to skip straight to, it’s the one with KAT, who’s thankfully been turning up a lot lately in porns. Kat’s billed as being Mexican, but she’s got the look and charm of an Asian fuck doll, and she’s the only trooper taking it in the pooper. For those about to collapse in prolapse, we salute you! -- STEELY ROB

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DESTINATION: SOUTH BEACH SKANK-A-THON

SOUTH Beach turned into "Miami Vice" when hookers and pimps preyed on drunken male partygoers spilling out of the high-end hotels that hosted some of the nation's hottest New Year's Eve bashes. Intrepid flesh-peddlers rented out a block of rooms in the shabby San Juan Hotel across from the Ritz-Carlton and posted girls on the sidewalk outside offering "special" New Year's Eve deals of $100 for 15 minutes of fuck action. Another pimp parked his Cadillac at a gas station so juiced-up johns could frolic with his hookers inside. The South Beach skank-a-thon went largely unchecked because many local cops were busy moonlighting as security at hotels like the Raleigh, Shore Club, and Shelbourne.

1 NIGHT IN CHINA

Red Light District

Rating: ZERO "Balco" BUSTED NUTS or FIVE "I Like Freaky Little Pricks" BUSTED NUTS

It’s fitting that the Balco debacle coincides more or less with the release of ONE NIGHT IN CHINA, whose reason for anyone giving a shit is that professional wrestler CHYNA (here known only as JOANIE LAURER) has a bunch of sex with her boyfriend (X-PAC, also known here only by his real name), who shoots the entire fiasco. Make that FIASCO.

OK. OK. THAT'S FUCKING IT!!! I'M FUCKING OUTTA HERE!!! BEFORE THIS GETS ANY MORE FUCKING GAY. AND BELIEVE ME, IF THIS IS HOW IT STARTS, IT WILL. OH, IT WILL.

Why are the two events fitting, you ask? Why, because both are testaments to the wonders/horrors of what anabolic steroids and human growth hormones can have on the human body. On one side, the “wondrous” explosion that BARRY BONDS’ body underwent from year to year as he went from a slender slip of a dude to the neck leviathan. On the other side, the horrific, repeated display of Chyna’s mutant clitoris and other manly things that we didn’t notice because, well, because we just didn’t want to.

But, you know, we couldn’t help but notice the clit. Try as we might. Seeing X-Pac’s pecker rub up against that anatomical malfunction was like watching a double anal, minus the hole.

Watching this video is like watching a Discovery Channel documentary on animal mating cycles. The couple meander around China (yes, the country), say a bunch of the kind of stupid shit that people say when they know they’re on camera, but intensified five times, and have really gross sex. Thank god there are some bonus scenes from actual, properly made pornos on here to fill out the 50 minute, colossal exercise in egoism and greed that is this lame ass excuse for a video.

But what the fuck do we know? Rubbish that features people who are in some way famous elevates the product from the trash heap. However, we think, just about any other porn is better porn than this. Pretend LUCI THAI is a pro wrestler. You’ll thank me later. -- STEELY ROB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/224384.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SEAN MICHAEL'S HOT ASS LATINAS #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Das Ist Gut, Senor" BUSTED NUTS

Looks like the U.S. border patrol is working hard, and getting results. The success is clearly measured by the desperation of porn producers who are trying to satisfy the market for Latina-oriented movies. Apparently, times are lean.

BRAZILIAN RIO MARIAH & HER COCONUTS. MINUS THE OBLIGATORY COCONUT OIL

Such is the case in SEAN MICHAELS’ HOT ASS LATINAS #2, which features some women of questionable Latin origin. Shit, we got one who speaks German to her “papi,” and one who introduces her scene as being in “hot ass LatinOs.”

The cast of HOT ASS LATINAS #2 is like the wait staff at most Japanese restaurants. The women are all Asian, but most are not Japanese. But they make ‘em say Japanesey shit to fool the customers, who’ll believe anything. Ditto here. Make the chicks say “si” and “papi” a bunch, and voila! Latinas.

Who says there’s no acting required in today’s lucrative porn world?

And what flavor is ROXY JEZEL this week? Up until last week, she was an Asian, and we’ve got stacks of videos to prove it. Whatever, we’re always happy to see more of this half-British, half-Asian fucking stalwart. Same goes for melt-in-your mouth JAZMIN, who showed up last week in a FRESH NEW FACES video.

We’d be equally happy to see less of RIO MARIAH, however. While she IS a real Latina, she’s got a look like The Mummy’s Bride, and you can be sure that her boobs will last her long into the afterlife.

What’s the word for “meh...” in Spanish? -- STEELY ROB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/221386.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE GREAT ASIAN BEAVER JAMBOREE #1

Typhoon

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Save The Women, Shoot The Men" BUSTED NUTS

THE GREAT ASIAN BEAVER JAMBOREE #1. Did I miss this Disney e-ticket extravaganza? I mean was there some sort of chinee chong chong convocation of cooch meeting that I missed out on because I thought it was a meet and greet for lichee nut pickers and shit?

Very goddamned possibly.

DO YOU SEE HOW SAD SHE IS? WHY? WHY DO YOU THINK?

In any case my love of Japanese, Korean, Chinese and Vietnamese women has been well documented. I exclude Filipinos because, well, because they carry knives and can escrima your ass. I also include out Thai women because I secretly believe they're all men who are plotting to make me gay. Outside of these lurkingly paranoiac concerns I love these broads. Love to see them suck, love to see them fuck and even more than that I love to suck and fuck them and any media representation that serves as an active proxy for ME to imagine that's ME doing the sucking and fucking is fine by me.

Which is why this vid screeches to a goddamned tire-smoking halt: I love to see Asian women fuck in direct converse proportion to how little I love to see Asian men fuck them. I know, I know, I know you think it's because of that small cockitude racist bullshit, which is completely fucking true if you've ever seen Asian condoms and condoms are any accurate indicator, but that's not it: it's like watching brothers and sisters fuck.

I mean I need to see some fucking RACE MIXING. Instead what I get is her small, feline, hairless body rut upon by his small, feline, hairless body. Minus a nutsack I'd be prone to forget who was supposed to be fucking who. And we know where confusion like this is prone to lead?

That's right. Homomoania.

So to successfully watch this you must concentrate with all your earthly powers to replace whoever the HIM is with YOU. Then and only then will this video work for you...leaving you multiply exhausted, spent, and totally jamboreed the fuck out.

Is it worth it? What, you mean watching 20 some-odd Asian bitches getting wick-wacked up by 20 some-odd Asian dudes? Almost. Yeah, almost. -- VINNIE ROSE

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BRAND NEW FUCKING YEAR, SOME OL' FUCKING BULLSHIT. SKULLGAME OUTRAGED. AND HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE. BUT MOSTLY HIGH AS A KITE. ANNA NICOLE SMITH BROKE. WESLEY SNIPES NOT A CRACKHEAD. VANESSA WILLIAMS STILL A SLUT. SO WHAT?

And despite our bestest of efforts New Year's Eve was spent, predictably, proving that once again while we might fashion ourselves lovers we are, in actual fact, most clearly OVER-represented in the Fighter column.

HIS OFFENSE? SAYING 'WAZZUP BRO?' HIS PUNISHMENT? THE BEATING, THE RIDICULE & THE PERPETUAL NATURE OF BOTH. NOTE: VINNIE (UPPER LEFT) & HIS EXPRESSION OF AGGRIEVED INCREDULITY AS ASSBENDER MAKES A POINT WORTH BEING MADE

"FAT SLUT WITH $88 MILLION ANNA NICOLE SMITH, ONCE AGAIN, JUST A FAT SLUT," DECLARES $88 MILLIONAIRE

A SKULLGAME PHOTO-INVESTIGATION OF THE MURDER OF J. HOWARD MARSHALL: WAS HE KILLED WITNESSING HIS WIFE'S SLUTTERY? BECAUSE HE WITNESSED SAID SLUT WIFE'S SAID SLUTTERY? OR WAS IT THE FIRST SITE OF HER FULLY UNCLOTHED, PENDULOUS MAMS?

DALLAS (SkullGame) -- Busty, and now largely broke (and we do mean largely), ANNA NICOLE SMITH's new year will start off on a sour, and significantly poorer, note -- a U.S. Federal Court of Appeals has overturned a previous federal court decision to award her over $88 million in her late husband J. Howard Marshall's will, a will that's been held up as Marshall's family fought the decision. Instead, a Texas court has ruled the cash will go to Marshall's son, according to showbiz news program "Entertainment Tonight."

NONE OF THE ABOVE, SKULLGAME. T'WAS HER FUCKING DEEP-FAT FRIED BANANA SPLITS THAT KILLED ME!!!

Smith will now have to take the case to Justice CLARENCE "I LOVES ME SOME WHITE WOMEN" THOMAS and the U.S.'s Supreme Court if she still wants the money, which it seems is imminently within reach of her and a sloppily delivered in-chamber suckjob.

The model married 89-year-old Marshall in 1994. He died less than one year, and approximately half of one sex act, later.

TALES FROM THE PIPE: SKULLGAME'S MECHANIC-IN-RESIDENCE JIMMY THE G DISHES ON RUMOR, HEARSAY & INNUENDO GATHERED FROM CAT-NAPPING CREEPER SIDE UNDER WESLEY SNIPE'S RIDE

WESLEY HANGING OUT WITH CRACKHEADS?!!? NAHHHHHHH....

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Action film star WESLEY SNIPES sued New York City Monday, charging that it had no jurisdiction to seek his DNA in a paternity suit filed in Indiana by a woman he said was crack-addicted and mentally ill.

The federal suit seeks to nullify a March arrest warrant filed against the 42 year-old star of the "Blade" trilogy by a New York family court judge, who also is named in the suit, and to prevent Indiana prosecutors from continuing to seek the actor's DNA.

The arrest warrant stems from a paternity suit filed in 2002 by a 33-year-old woman who claims that she had sex with Snipes in a Chicago crackhouse and that he fathered her 3-year-old son. Snipes' lawyer, Robert Bernhoft, said his client lives in Orlando, Fla., so New York City had no jurisdiction to file the warrant.

Snipes said in his suit that he never fucked the woman, and claimed she was a "lousy tooth-draggin' 'ho" who had made wild claims in the past involving celebrities such as Prince, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, Oprah "pass the Chore Boy" Winfrey, and former President Bill "Is? Is!" Clinton.

Bernhoft accused LaPorte County, Ind., prosecutors, who also are named in the suit, of pursuing the "cracktastical" claims of an "obviously cumstruck" woman because his client was "an important black male celebrity, and not an important black robot, no matter what the plaintiff, or the movie going public allege."

Snipes has appeared in blockbuster films such as "Passenger 57," "White Hoes Can't Fuck Me" and "." His latest, "Blade: Trinity," was one of the weekend's biggest hits among crack whores, and has taken in $35.6 million in two weeks.

IN A DEEP, DEEP, DEEP STATE OF DENIAL, VANESSA WILLIAMS SAYS HER MARRIAGE IS "A-OK, BUDDY BOY." MEN NAMED "BUDDY BOY" AIN'T SO SURE

HERE SHE COMES, MISS AMERICA!!! FULL OF CHARM, GRACE & JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING EXCEPTING RICK FOX'S SPOOGE

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Singer, Miss America, and former green-eyed porn slut VANESSA WILLIAMS has left fans scratching their heads after insisting she's still married to friend of SkullGame and former basketball superstar RICK FOX. Fox TOLD reporters the couple had split in November, but Williams shocked Los Angeles DJ Tom Joyner Thursday by insisting she's not heading for divorce.

She told the radio presenter, "I'm still, um, technically married, you know. I know that. You know that. And even Rick's 23-year-old yoga slut knows that. You cannot believe everything you read. Or he tells you. Or that you see with your own eyes. I am still very, very proud to be Mrs. Rick Fox. Even if Mr. Rick Fox refuses to acknowledge my hastily scrawled notes written in my own blood and shoved under his windshield wipers at 4 in the morning."

SOME ITALIAN SAUSAGE. IN YOUR ASS. TO GO.

A pair of Long Island hot dog vendors allegedly did their job with a little too much relish, selling sex along with hot sausage inside their tan camper. Police said the women provided personal services along with knishes, Fritos and Cheez Doodles from a wiener wagon parked alongside Sunrise Highway at Rockwood Ave. in Baldwin. "We've never seen hot dogs mixed with prostitution before," said Deputy Inspector Rick Capece, commanding officer of Nassau County's narcotics/vice squads. "It's out there, the most unusual thing I've seen."

STEVE HOLMES' SEXY EURO GIRLS #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: THREE "Say Hello To The Horrific Revelation" BUSTED NUTS

Like the protagonist’s final blood chilling discovery that Soylent Green is in fact people, so was our realization that super slut non-pareil MANDY BRIGHT is most probably a man. Bright had been pulling it off rather well for awhile and through many, many bonings of Olympic proportions she managed to give and give without taking, but we're sending her away (apologies to BARRY MANILOW): because the jig is up here on SEXY EURO GIRLS 2. So you might as well skip over her scene with MELISSA LAUREN, who is pretty hit or miss anyways, although her particular version of French accent is always nice.

IS STEELY ROB CRAZY? OR OUR WE JUST GAY? "MAN"DY BRIGHT NOT HELPING AT ALL

No, sir, head straight to the end to see Steve Holmes “pick up” two Ukranian hos in a park after he “pays” them $200 each for their “underwear.” He makes it reputable by identifying himself as a collector. Oh, a connoisseur?.... Well, then step right into my womb, then, good sir.

So get a load of that scene with ALEXA MAY and her fantabulously titted pal, and then backtrack--carefully, carefully--to see JAQUELIN STONE’s gangbang, and then maybe check out the scene with NICOL, who looks like the poor man’s version of Alexa May.

But under NO circumstances should you linger too long on, you know, that other scene. Unless, of course, you LIKE feeling gay. -- STEELY ROB

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SAKURA ANGEL

East is East, West is West, Asian

girls are the best!!!

221124

IT'S A NICE DAY FOR A JIZ WHITE WEDDING

Yo Vinnie,
I was scheduled to get married to a woman that I can only now call a slut. I call her a slut because I find out just now, seven months before the wedding that she sucked my friend's cock. In his fucking car. The cock sucking slut did her deed last year right before I started dating her. And I wouldn't have cared if she had told me about it (and believe me, I ASKED) but she said she didn't want to upset me by not lying to me like she has been for the two years. I don't know what to do. I mean I know at this point calling off the wedding seems stupid. On the other hand kissing a bride who is a cock gobbling slut seems unlikely. Especially with my friend smirking up at me from the fourth row. Fuck. -- T.S., (by email)

WITH THIS COCK I THEE WED

Dear TORTURED SUCKER MOTHERFUCKER: So your old lady smokes a little pole? One or two or 20 times? And this makes you feel a little uncomfortable? Possibly because you think that while you can take the slut out of the street, you can't take the pole out of her piehole no matter how hard you try to supplant that image burned in your mind of her sucking Johnny's rocket while they both laugh at you? Well, I'll save you the "lemonade out of lemons" lecture. I won't make mention at all of the fact that such a healthily cock-minded Missus is likely to make you happier longer than the Saints you obviously wish you were marrying. I'll even skip the bit about how what this is really about is some sort of twisted homo-love between you and Johnny and I'll cut straight to the advice giving:

Kill them both.

Then plead diminished capacity and in 10 years you'll be free to start again with a woman who wouldn't know what a cock was even if you jammed it up her ass.

Good luck to you.

JULIAN'S ANALGEDDON VOLUME #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "The World Ends, Not With A Bang, But With" BUSTED NUTS

At SkullGame, we take great joy in crafting our neohojizms, words that get all pornofied through our distinct linguistic fixations.  The anal theme is one that has seen just about every combination in fuck flick titleage, for example:  Anal Injury, Anal Takeover, Anal Renaissance, on and on and on.  So I feel specially qualified to say, ANALGEDDON PART 2, what the fuck?  I don't doubt they realized the irony of a sequel with that title, but that's the only questionable aspect of this video, so I'll let it slide.

LANNY BARBIE DIGGING FOR GOLD. AND FINDING IT.

LANNY BARBIE lives up to her name, with immobile, doll-like features.  She's also got a literal clitoral chandelier, which spells dick danger to me.  I saw no blood, so I assume the actor got around that tinklebell unscathed. 

RENEE PORNERO has a hilarious DP with two of the smallest tools in the business.  Weiners are falling out all over the place, since she's a stretched-out veteran, who could use some time off the set to take in some sunshine and exercise.  LISA LEE also looks like she's had a dick in her ass for a few too many years.

JAYNA OSO has looks that could launch a third world war, and gets a busted nut for having more bounce per ounce than the rest of these "gaping shitholes with pretty faces," as they are billed on the box cover. 

SOPHIA  has a double anal that really is war-inna-bunghole. This final scene lives up to the pretense established by the extreme title.  Usually, a double anything has the smaller cock acting as a shoehorn or placeholder for the bigger unit.  But these two fuckheads are cock-jousting in her ass like it's some kind of cock-jousting competition. 

Hey, how's that cock-to-cock friction working for ya?

Good? 

This is what they'll be doing when the world ends. -- JIMMY THE G

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YOUNG TIGHT LATINAS #7

Red Light District

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Un Poco Aburrido" BUSTED NUTS

YOUNG TIGHT LATINAS #7 is ho-hum in spite of itself.

Sure, sure, JASMINE is a cutie, and her anal ways are highly encouraged by all hardcore butt freaks throughout the land. But throw her in one on one with ERIK EVERHARD, and, well, it unwittingly becomes the Meat Puppet’s show.

JASMINE. BETTER THAN J. LO. AND WITH THE HALF THE BITCHERY.

There’s some other good talent on hand here, and if by talent, you mean the best rack on the planet, SATIVA ROSE, who seemed to be going anal with the YOUNG RIPE MELLONS vid, but then regressed.

A personal aside: Progression is good.

EVA ANGELINA is cute, JELICA JAE is less so, and CHANELLE CHAVEZ is not bad as long as you can ignore her man hands. But...you won’t be able to ignore the indefatigable, logorrheic DICK DELAWARE, who constantly and continually utters such-like inanities

“Yeah, that’ll work,”

and

“here we go!”

while butt fucking her. It makes us suspect that the “shit” part in her saying, “oh, Shit, I’m cumming,” is in fact an appellation.

And she’d be right, too. -- STEELY ROB

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PRIVATE MOVIES #12: VOODOO SEX DOLLS

Private

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Prick Sticking" BUSTED NUTS

I never could get James Bond movies. Especially the ones from the '70s and '80s. When I was a kid, my dad, who speaks a bunch of languages but ironically is the worst communicator I’ve ever known, always had to explain the plots to me. Maybe there’s a correlation....

SANDY STYLE PRE-COCK-IN-MOUTH JUST, YOU KNOW, GETTING THINGS WARMED UP IN A ROMAN PISSOIR

Anyway, don’t ask me about the plot to VOODOO SEX DOLLS. It has something to do vaguely with a guy in a cramped basement sticking pins in dolls. Then he gets laid. It’s one of those plots that makes more sense with the fast forward button pressed.

But the overall low-budgetness of the movie doesn’t get in the way of some pretty damn good sex scenes, and you won’t need my dad to explain to you what’s going on. Cover girl SANDY STYLES'SANDY STYLES’ scene is perhaps the best.

So, if you like big, curvy hips and butt and small tits, she’s your girl. If you like lots of hole swapping fu, this is your vid. If you like James Bondesque plot divagations, this is your vid. If you like visual accompaniment to squeezing a load off into your socks, THIS is your vid. Enjoy.

Note: Wash socks before wearing them. On anything other than your cock. -- STEELY ROB

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BRANDON IRON'S TEN LITTLE PIGGIES VOLUME #3

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "For All The Wrong Reason" BUSTED NUTS

Sex with feet. Feet with sex. It's not all lame-o fetish here, though. The assfucking is what gets my nuts a-churnin'. Even toes get some ass-to-mouth action in this flick, and that justifies the footwork for me.

CRYSTAL RAY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF TOUGH-ACTING TINACTIN

The 10 sluts gracing the five scenes aren't A-list queens of the industry, but MONICA is sweet enough eye candy. And what this movie lacks in ball-busting beauty is more than compensated for in how foot sex is employed to squeeze every last drop of sleaze from these 'hos.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick any of them, even KIARA ROSE off of my mattress (unless they demand a toe job). There's just a little more quantity than quality. That's NOT a complaint. However, I found some more entertainment value than I usually notice in the noncore parts of the production, like the title sequence and music, and the ludicrous setup to the scene with STEVE HOLMES, KATIN, and CRYSTAL RAY.

And just in case there are some foot freaks out there, I guess I should mention that yes, there's heels, stockings, lots of toe suckin', blah, blah, blah. But all of that sort of fucked with my head as a critic. I mean I started to fancy myself a foot connoisseur:

Oh my, there's a blister...now that's a bony pair on her...ooh, such nails!

Glad I wasn't doing my usual pharmaceutical preparation for viewing this one -- the impression might have lasted. -- JIMMY THE G

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