Red Light District

Rating: THREE & A HALF "For Sam & The DVD Extras" BUSTED NUTS

The young gent pounding the quite gorgeous RAYVENESS...heh heh, what a name...let's get this straight: you are a GOTH, right?

Where was I?

Oh yes, so he's got his lumpy comedy sausage in a many of--let's just call her Sam for the sake of brevity--Sam's holes as he can suss and, he's semi enjoying himself and she, well, she sorta starts losing it a little. Sorta gets scary.

I AM RAYVENESS, THE MISTRESS OF THE NIGHTLY LOAD

Sam: calm down, don't make roaring noises for a start. Women THINK this: they have to roar, spit and swear because that's 'what men like', and this, porn,  being the smoky inner sanctum of male desire (she'd use that phrase), it's double. So she lays it on. Reeee-lax. Be 'unsure'. Maybe give the impression this was 'not what she expected'. Leave at least a fucking ATOM of something to the imagination.

Because he's getting worried. Especially when he enters her via her RavenAnus. She's almost beside herself. He's dreading the word that occurs to every man who first tentatively explores his ladyfriend's lower intestines: marriage. And she just gets more obsessive. Bud, you better watch it...

"With this gaping ring, I do thee wed."

Chilling. It all starts with anal sex, then it's the fucking nightly cross examination...

"What about her, do you you like her better than me? Would you have anal sex with HER?"

And that's in public. At a parent-teacher meeting. Yes, the niceties stop, the stolen glances, the laughs, the flopping of your cock on her tongue...

Anyway, Sam's quite fucking stunning. Obviously, I CAN imagine her running alongside Type O Negative's tour bus hoarsely screaming 'JOSH! FUCK MEEEE' but once you break through her barriers (as they maybe would to escape), past the hype, the lies, the PR... she's fucking excellent. And yeah, with all this obvious ex-CITE-ment (her: "fuckmefuckmefuckmefumefumeeeee") it OBVIOUSLY explains why his load is so well, polite, after all that build up. Of course it does.

With the drama that preceded it I expected a torrent, a wet, righteous delivery
from him (and that's what obviously motivates her, and us to buy the film, strangely) but she has to make improvise with a little man-dribble.

Was he fined? I would've fucking fined him.

"You shot a tiny load. Did you say that when you filled out the form? 'Big Schlong But No Load?'" If he was fined he'd get his priorities right, the fucking idiot.

Sorry about the politics.

I'm not too sure about the rest though... LACEY's cheerful, consistent but probably really enjoys spreadsheets and sending funny email attachments, really concentrates on them.  BROOKLYN has a great figure. Defaced by a nasty 5 O'Clock shadow. I don't want to be reminded of my dad here. Not that he had big tits. But the coarsely unshaven bit resonates unpleasantly. Big tits, or no. -- WERNER ASSBENDER

Buy it NOW!