Brought to you by our proud sponsors ABSOLUT whose fine libation will take the entire fucking ride when we are asked by those angered, violated and huddled masses: WHY? WHY? WHY?
BECAUSE WE WERE DRUNK ON FINE-ASS SCANDINAVIAN GRAVY, THAT'S WHY!!!
COURTNEY LOVE'S LAST RECORD SOLD 60,000 COPIES
HEYY...CAN'T HURT, MIGHT HELP
Between court appearances, rambling media moments in front of the mic designed to give FARRAH "MY HAIR IS JUST A METH. I MEAN MESS!" FAWCETT a run for her money, court appearances for court appearances, and last but not least, the amazing friend generating powers of someone who is capable of losing $43 million, COURTNEY LOVE, still hasn't managed to do what it seems she most WANTS to do: sell her crap-ass records. Well that and drowning out the whimpering voice from the grave of her dear departed murdered by her hand husband.
LINDA STOCKHOLM'S FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WAS WITH A DOG
NOT LINDA, BUT MIGHT AS WELL BE
We hate to repeat this about as much as we hated hearing it in the first place. But she was always such an empty vessel, it was nice to finally hear that she had managed to do something worthwhile with her life. Like fuck a dog.
Her reasons? The dog kept humping her leg anyway.
Her final impressions? "Who knew dogs had so much cum?"
You do, Linda. You do.
KOBE DIDN'T DO IT
NOW THE MURDER? THAT HE DID. WHAT? YOU NEVER HEARD OF THAT? NO ONE'S REPORTED A MISSING PIZZA DELIVERY GUY? FORGET WE SAID ANYTHING THEN.
She got a little peckish when what she thought was love ended up being a dick up the duker and a sports center newscast turned up to drown out her story about her recent graduation hijinx. But yeah yeah, KOBE is guilty of nothing but loving, not poorly, but unwisely. And in the ass. Of fucking course.
WE FUCKED KATHY WOODS
HOW DO YOU THINK WE GOT THE PICTURE?
Yo. Eminem. Nice engagement ring you got your thong-wearing girl there. You know how she said she was going shopping? Well unless they opened up a Semen Store at Stonestown, I'm guessing you been jobbed. Enjoy your life. Glad to be part of it.
CHARLIZE THERON DUMPED STEPHEN JENKINS BECAUSE HE SUCKED IN BED. AND HE WAS GAY. HE WAS GAY & HE SUCKED IN BED WITH A NON-GAY MAN. GO FIGURE.
I'D HAVE THOUGHT THOSE THIRD EYE BLIND RECORDS WOULD BE ENOUGH
She is a movie star. He was a rockstar. It was a match made in marketing heaven. The Heaven of Premature Ejaculators, that is. You see, he came too goddamn quick. All the time. Like without fail. In fact if there was one thing she could count on NOT failing, it would have been his unerring penchant for always coming too soon. Perhap so's he could get back to his real job: tomfoolery and ass-toolery.
Thanks for the inside scoop on this one, Jason.
ORACLE'S LARRY ELLISON HAS HERPES
AND SO NOW DOES SHE
Sometimes we have to let you all know we're not fucking around. That we're not just mean-spirited vile fuckheads. That we're...wait a minute. We ARE just mean-spirited vile fuckheads. But we ain't liars. I mean would we wantonly take swipes at the second richest man in America if we were NOT on the up and up?
Fuck no, we wouldn't. So do your damnedest, tough guy. We got PROOF.
AND TO BURN OUR LAST GODDAMNED BRIDGE: HEATHER GRAHAM RACES LIKE A FUCKHORSE
COME TO VINNIE, BABY. COME TO VINNIE
She's a hot fucking animal machine for no reason less than the fact that she could fuck the face off of a clock. Seriously. Like a chainsaw. Come away with your cock intact? Does the pope have nuts? We thought so.
