"Of course as Governor of the Great States of California, I have to say that I will personally not sleep until this scourge has been wiped from the land and all of the available steroids are locked safely in my medicine cabinet where they'll do the most good. What? You weren't talking about steroids? What were you talking about then? Ohhhhh....Jewwwws. Well we have plans for them," he muttered darkly. "Very similar plans for them."
THERE'S NOTHING GAY AT ALL ABOUT ADMIRING THE MALE FORM. NOW GETTING ALL OILED UP, NAKED & SWEATY, WELL YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING GAY.
THE SCHWARZENEGGER REPORT ON THE BALCO STEROID SCANDAL
GROPE? SHEEITT...I LOOK LIKE I GOTTA GROPE ANYTHING? MOTHERFUCKERS.
SACRAMENTO (SkullGame) -- Governor ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, in response to the recent bullshit hubbub concerning performance enhancing drugs has launched an investigation and commissioned an extensive report, the findings of which have been leaked to SkullGame, in much the same way JASON GIAMBI and BARRY BONDS' grand jury testimony was leaked to the San Francisco Chronicle: by some fucking cheese-eater in the DA's office.
And the findings?
According to the Governor's EXTENSIVE STEROID & SLUT REPORT "the commission has found, in line with the AMA's stand throughout the mid-90's that there is no steroid problem in professional sports. Especially NOT bodybuilding. And that even if there was, there have been no reports supporting the contention that steroids work. And that even if they DID work, well they didn't really work that much. And that reports of the Governor's heart valve surgery were pure unadulterated fucking media bullshit."
"And in regards to the SLUT section of the report: this needs much more extensive examination. And cash. Cash and examination. But mostly cash."
There you go. Case fucking CLOSED.
This report was underwritten by SIC 'EM TOM TIRE IRONS in association with ANGRY MOTHERFUCKER NUTRICEUTICALS, makers of the new ANADROL-50: "It Picks You Up While It Pisses You Off."
"I DON'T JUST USE SIC 'EM BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD. I USE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE THE BEST. AGGGHHHHHH...."
GIAMBI-BONDS DEFENSE ATTORNEY IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ OFFERS STUNNINGLY NOVEL DEFENSE: "I'M FUCKING HIGH YOUR HONOR. AND I MOVE FOR AN IMMEDIATE ACQUITTAL. SO I CAN GET HIGHER. BECAUSE I AM DEPRESSED. AND HIGH. BUT MOSTLY HIGH."
HEYYYY...EVERYBODY DEALS WITH THEIR DEPRESSION DIFFERENTLY. ME? I GO TO MONACO WITH SKANK HO'S LIKE THIS. SEE? ISN'T THAT DEPRESSING?
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Jurisprudential genius ATTORNEY pro tem in chambers IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ, is reportedly offering a Clarence Darrowesque defense for many of his recent high profile cases: "I was high."
Tysonwitz, 38, depressed since his last court loss to washed up fighter POOKIE WILLIAMS, has developed a drug habit and is facing $38 million in debts to at least 246 creditors, among them some disreputable associates from his time living in Phoenix, Ariz., with his girlfriend Shelly, according to SkullGame.
A pal says, "Basically, in defending KOBE BRYANT, TOM SIZEMORE, KEN CAMINETTI, JASON GIAMBI and BARRY BONDS, well, he's become the modern-day, um, you know Jew dude who got himself killed? Yeah, JESUS. And it's taken its toll. Especially if by toll you mean Cocaine is expensive."
The source adds, "So yeah, Mike's been abusing cocaine and he needs help. Especially if by help you mean more CASH."
NICK NOLTE OFFERS UNSOLICITED ADVICE TO BARRY BONDS MOMENTS BEFORE BEING CHARGED WITH DRUGGING & FUCKING AN UNDERAGE SLUT WHO HAD REQUESTED THAT HE DRUG HER & FUCK HER
SKULLGAME'S ITALIAN SAL PEPPERS NOLTE WITH THE KIDDIE DRUG-SEX SCOOP, IN FULL PLAYER HATING FASHION, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS GODDAMNED WIFE!!! KUDOS TO SAL!!!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Troubled actor NICK NOLTE is being sued by the parents of a teenage slut who claim their slut was drugged and sexually abused at his California home two years ago.
Filed at Los Angeles Superior Court on Monday, the writ lists a Nolte employee and several others as defendants after the alleged offense at a party at the star's Malibu abode.
But Nolte's aides are adamant the screen veteran was not at home at the time of the reported attack.
In March, one of the defendants, Nicholas Woodring, was accused of having sex with the slut -- then 15 and a minor -- and sentenced to 180 days in jail.
However, the slut's attorney, Philip Dunn, has revealed the case never went to trial, insisting Woodring should once again be quizzed about the alleged offense -- this time in a court of law, perhaps even PEOPLE'S COURT.
Dunn says, "The criminal prosecution is over, and the slut wishes to make sure that nothing like this happens to anyone other slut again under the same or similar circumstances like a party with really great blow. Or something."
Nolte's publicist adds, "Mr. Nolte was at the time, and still remains, concerned for the slut's well-being." According to the civil suit, Woodring and a minor gave the slut the date-rape drug GHB and then screwing became date rape when she passed out mid-fuck at the January 25, 2003, bash.
Whatever.
SKULLGAME NEWSFLASH: JAMIE FOXX MOST ASSUREDLY GAY
OH. YOU BITCHES ARE JUST JEALOUS THAT'S ALL. LET'S GO, ROD.
AUSTRALIA (SkullGame) -- Actor Jamie Foxx gave his Australian fans an eyeful while he was filming his upcoming movie, "Stealth" -- by wondering around naked in front of them. The star was shooting the movie in Sydney when he and his PALS went to Icebergs bar on Bondi Beach and embarked on a wild night of partying.
A source says, "Jamie had been buying rounds of shots for nearly two hours when somebody lispingly shouted, 'Hey, let's go swimming!'"
Foxx then led a group of approximately eight people -- including co-star TOM "OH, I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE, TERRELL "ME, NEITHER" OWENS, on, and BEN "SPEAK FOR YOURSELVES" AFFLECK, well-known beard for JESSICA BIEL -- onto the beach. And while they stripped to their underwear, Foxx decided to take it all off.
The source tells SkullGame, "Jamie shouted, 'I'm going skinny-dipping!' -- then stripped naked, except for his hat, and ran into the surf. After he came out of the water, he proudly paraded around."
FOXX RECENTLY BOUGHT GIFT BASKETS FOR HIS NEIGHBORS AS AN APOLOGY, AFTER HIS PALS PLAYED BASKETBALL IN THE NUDE AT HIS CALIFORNIA HOME.
Now, we at SkullGame, have nothing against unrestricted homomania, HOWEVER, it is the stench of lies we dislike and so we ask: when was the last time you and your buds thought it'd be a big HOOT to play naked basketball together?
Exactly.
COMMUNITY REMINDER: IF ANYONE GAY, LIKE US HERE AT SKULLGAME, NEEDS A BEARD IS THERE A PLACE WE CAN CONTACT JESSICA BIEL?
PLEASE LET US KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
