Many of you have written to complain about MONDAY'S she-male-tastic shenanigans to which we say, from here on out you have our 100% COCK-FREE GUARANTEE: we will never again show you pictures of hot bitches with cocks attached and heretofore any hot bitches you see with cocks attached are only figments of your fucking diseased imaginations. Thank you.--Management
SEE? SHE IS 100 PERCENT COCKLESS! WHILE WE KNOW THAT COULD JUST MEAN SHE'S A POST-OP TRANNY, WE WILL FUCK WITH YOUR HEADS NO LONGER
BRITNEY TURNS CELIBATE
SHE USED TO SUCK AND SUCK COCK. NOW SHE JUST SUCKS. BUT NOT COCK. NO SIREE, NOT COCK.
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Pop star BRITNEY SPEARS who seemingly can't go more than six days without worming her fucking satanic way deeper into our skulls, has announced today that she's given up sex, as she renews her close, personal, and apparently sex-free relationship with JESUS CHRIST.
According to just about anyone within bleating distance, Spears has vowed to remain cockless after a tampon string of disastrous relationships with near-Negro and tit-thief JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, Irish Drunk COLIN FARRELL, Faggoty Fred Durst, her married choreographer Columbus Short, and even her Grandmother MADONNA.
Spears is seeing two counselors, a personal trainer, a life coach, a meter maid, and is paying regular visits to the House of God after her wild cock-sucking behavior of the past year peaked last month with her shock wedding in Las Vegas to childhood pal Jason Alexander (not to be confused with the overweight Jew of the same name), which was annulled 55 hours later.
I HAVE FOUND GOD. AND EVERYTHING IS FINE NOW. SERIOUSLY. EVERYTHING IS FUCKING FINE, SHUT UP! SHUT UP, GODDAMN IT.
A friend of Britney's identified only here as P. HILTON says, "Like no one's ever gotten drunk, sucked off the valet and then married the fat kid from 8th grade before. I'm so sure."
"But Ms. I Won't Suck Cock has now decided to NOT get plowed and to start going to church regularly? So maybe that wedding was not what a good Christian would have done, what with her lips still dewy from the frothy man sauce of five laughing Mexican valets, but that's still no reason to go faggot priest on me. But her bitch mother Lynne gets her the 'Conversations With God' book, and she realizes she's going to hell for juggling nuts? Hey, I just had a conversation with God too and you know what he said? Britney sucks. And I don't think he was talking about just her music."
IN THE LONG-RUNNING POT TO KETTLE SERIES: PAMELA'S PORN ADVICE FOR PARIS
DEAR PAM: I AM A SLUT. DO I HAVE TO DATE KID ROCK TOO?
Busty bust bust bust broad PAMELA ANDERSON has taken time from her busy schedule of trying to stave off her eventual move into full-time porn by rushing to comfort PARIS HILTON after the hotel heiress' notorious sex tape with ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon was broadcast on the Internet as she drew the short end of the 70/30 profit split.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. DATING KID ROCK IS NOT REQUIRED. SUCKING COCK HOWEVER...IS!
"Actress" Anderson sympathized with "media personality" Hilton, as she had gone through a similar "humiliation" when a video of her painfully self conscious romp with ex-husband "musician" Tommy Lee was "stolen" and became available on the Web, leaving her with the short end of the 70/30 profit split.
THANK YOU. YOUR WELL-INTENTIONED ADVICE HAS ALREADY COME IN HANDY
After the tape of Hilton's sexual relations with the genius RICK SOLOMON was released, Anderson phoned the New York party girl to offer advice.
"Keep your heels on. Take it in the keister. And 50/50 or nothing."
HAUPTSBAUMFUHRER HEIDI KLUM LAUNCHES BLITZKRIEG AGAINST ITALY; THE GOLDEN STATE'S GAULEITER SCHWARZENEGGGER MONITORS THE SITUATION
HEIDI "THE SHE-WOLF OF THE SS" KLUM's contretemps with multi-millionaire financier, industrialist and Italian strongman FLAVIO "EL CAZZO" BRIATORE has crossed a diplomatic rubicon after a mass rally wherein she called him a "wrinkly worthless old has-been" after learning he had fucked a younger, hotter, 19-year old UberModel.
MEIN BUSEN IST SEHR VOLLGEIL!!!! SIEG HEIL!! SIEG HEIL!!
The 30-year-old old broad and bitch queen of Berlin, who is five months pregnant with Briatore's child, was devastated when she discovered the Formula One chief was cheating on her and their plans to annex Austria.
"Heidi's heart has been broken by this worthless man. She is absolutely devastated. Briatore has behaved like a bastard," says her Secretary of Propaganda and aunt, Elma, 63. "In my day we knew how to treat Italians."
THE BLACK-SHIRTED FIFTH COLUMNISTS IN HAPPIER TIMES
"She is so beautiful and he is old and wrinkly. Much like me. I'll never know what she was doing with such an old has-been. It's not like she needed the money. It upsets me so much that he has treated her this way."
Briatore could still not be reached for comment both on account of him being busy with all of the hot young fucking pussy he's slamming and his present plans to invade Ethiopia.
HAHAHAH...FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST
