Take it easy, baby. Take it easy.
CALGON? TAKE ME AWAYYYYYY....
TWO BIG, GIANT FAKE TITTIES JOIN U.S. COALITION
IF THESE BE FOR US, WHO BE AGAINST US?
AMERICA (SkullGame) -- Canadian-born "actress," porn star, and patriot PAMELA ANDERSON's knobs were officially sworn in as American citizens yesterday. The former "Baywatch" star's protuberances, who moved to California from their native British Columbia 15 years ago, passed a citizenship test and were sworn in at a private ceremony.
But Anderson's jugs -- born as nice, Jewish girl Barbara Rose Kopetski's knobs in 1967 -- are able to retain their Canadian citizenship, because of U.S. law.
Speaking about their U.S. citizenship, the 36-year-old tits say, "We felt it was important to become U.S. citizens in order to vote in the Superbowl. Or whatever it's called."
ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S EXCESS WEIGHT TO AID IN WAR EFFORT
ANNA AND MILITARY SPECIALIST PREPARE TO OFFLOAD PRECIOUS FUEL
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Reality TV star Anna Nicole Smith's strict slimming regime has been harnessed to fuel the Iraqi war effort.
The busty star -- whose svelte figure bears no resemblance to her buxom frame in hit TV program "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" -- is continuing to shed weight by avoiding donuts, fried chicken, fried chicken donuts, HoHos, and Diet Coke, and friends fear her extreme patriotic efforts to diminish American military dependence on sources of foreign lard by donating hers is posing a dangerous threat to her health.
One says, "She hardly eats. A while back she couldn't pick up a box of cookies without eating them all -- now she won't even read the goddamned label."
SMITH LAUNCHING HER LARD TANKER TO IRAQ
"She hardly eats at all because she loves all the praise she gets for not eating donuts, fried chicken, fried chicken donuts, HoHos, and Diet Coke. Oh. And helping our boys overseas."
LETTER TO THE FUCKING EDITOR
Sure, sure, let's ALL complain about "abuses" at Abu Gharib...cause they have it, like, sooooo hard. Let me tell you something, you know what it is to have it hard?
I have it hard.
I went to a baseball game last night: San Francisco Giants v. Philadelphia Phillies. Sat in the bleachers.
The right field bleachers.
The right field bleachers at Pac Bell Park. I might has well have been watching from Philly. And the cold? What I wouldn't give to be in a nice, mild climate like Iraq.
Those fucks have no idea how good they got it.
Prison abuses my ass. I seen those pictures. Do you know how many guys right here in San Francisco would kill to play naked pyramid? I mean those guys should just be happy to even be having sex, they’re terrorists for Christ sakes, sure, granted it's gay sex, but somebody is getting off.
Who knows, maybe those Iraqi fruits can take turns at who is on first and what not. I don’t know, it just seems like much ado about nothing to me.--D. Jones (by email)
SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU
YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.
DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": "I am going through a difficult transition in my life where my mother is getting older although she still works, but has less patience then she used to in listening to my problems. She is an obsessive worrier, which affects me greatly. I do know that eventually I will have to be on my own which frightens me.
Just to tell you a little bit of my background I am male in my upper 30's and never dated anyone more than once. I haven't been dating for the last 2 years being that I wasn't interested in going out seriously, but have been going through some rough times with anxiety and depression for some quite time but have progressively gotten worst.
I don't have much of a support system, nor an extended family that I have to do with, and this has been like this for years.
I would like to learn how to be more sociable because I tend to shy away from interaction with certain people especially the opposite sex.
I have a learning disability, (cognitive) and although I did graduate college in with a major in psychology and an accounting equivalency, which took me many years, I have been unsuccessful in accounting, not being able to hold down a job for more than four months at a time. I really don't know what career or job path I should be taking at this point, although I always liked working in the business arena but would like to explore other avenues.
Can you give me some insight?
P.S. I ask that this article not be published.
Thank You.-- Jeff (by email, sadly enough)
OH MY GOD MOTHER!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!
DEAR FUCKFACE: You ask that this "article" not be published, hey? Let me tell you something kid: The only thing that makes my life worth living is reading these letters and then taking you all down a notch in a very, very public way.
You live with your Mom? Big fucking deal. If it wasn’t for the loads and loads of trim I was marching through my Mom's house I would still be living there. Being that you’re a closeted homosexual, I don’t see that being a problem for you.
But let's get down to brass tacks. What you need is to spice up your hate! Once you do that you will find yourself free of all your self-imposed social restraints. You probably ought to suck a cock too. That would probably be good thing for you.
Now to attack, I mean address, your work, or lack of work, problem. If you were a woman, I bet this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this, if you were a woman I would have told you to go get a job at massage parlor. You know one of them Korean Fucky Sucky ones. Well since you're not a female, that whole debasing yourself over and over again for cold hard cash doesn’t apply to you.
Oh well, I think you have a great, and not-so-lucrative career in panhandling to look forward to. The minute that nagging old crow of a mother you got bites the dust you will be shaking cup and holding a sign.
Good Luck. You sad fucking sack of shit.
