TIFFANY AND THE GREAT JULI ASHTON LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN UNDER THE TENDER MINISTRATIONS AND MERCIES OF MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME

So I gets thrown into the fucking clink because no one bothered to tell me that, unless you're fucking James Bond, then you can't carry a WEAPON in California and I get stopped for some Mickey Mouse violation and get tossed for the same reason. Toto you ain't in Flatbush no more. In Flatbush, a burner was THE fucking fashion accessory of the season. But like BARRY SWITZER once said "Gun? What gun?" I, Vinnie, have discovered that Cugino Gino and Italian Sal more than ably held down the fort in their first PLAYBOY/satellite XM radio, while I sit green jumpsuited next to a guy who knifed a UPS driver. I'm here, they're fucking hanging with the porn stars/playmates. Yeah. That seems goddamned fair.

But I made bail and if the early indications mean shit we got two PORN STARS OF PORN on our hands, pants, and minds. Cugino Gino and Italian Sal, under the firm tutelage of former playmate Tiffany who, it should be noted, doesn't like to suck cock or take it in the ass, and porn star Juli Ashton who , it should be noted, does, manage to make manifest a festering LOVE thang that had been brewing for some time now. Over the emails, across the table, there was only one thing on the star-crossed lover's minds. LOVE and all of it's ass-eating vagaries. But, shit, I'll let them tell it.

ITALIAN SAL: These were two fine bitches, bro. The kind of bitches that are so fine that they make you want to go home and beat up your old lady.

GINO: The kind of beezaytches that are so fine that they make you want to STAB YOUR OWN EYES OUT.

ITALIAN SAL: The kind of broads that make you...

GINO: buy bad jewelry.

ITALIAN SAL: Of course they are.

GINO: YES.

SAL IS, IN FACT, WEARING NO FUCKING PANTS AT ALL HERE

But up from a scheduled 30-minute interview, Sal and Gino managed to turn this into, courtesy of the wine-four pack that they had purchased for just such an occasion and a bottle of Claritin (don't ask), a 2 and a half hour interview that did for the ART OF THE INTERVIEW what NAGASAKI had done for IT by Democracy-delivering-DEMOCRACTIC B-52 fighter jets peppering the landscape with JUSTICE, rage and total fatigue.

In other words: they killed.

Especially if by "killed" you mean Vince Neil insulting, Italian Sal singing Air Supply, as well as them all getting naked with Juli licking their underarms because, well because everyone has to have a fetish, and staggering around the control room while guys named Kelly call in and complain that their wives are blackmailing him into fucking other men.

Genius.

More on this later.

Especially if by later you mean as soon as we wonder aloud if Juli felt the love that was the love that was so present that a blind man could see it, that is, the Love that Loves the Love that exists between a man and a woman and three of his friends. At the same time.

I mean Jesus Christ, Sal and Gino got invited back and those guys NEVER get invited back no where!!! Not even MY goddamned house. So clearly someone's in love with someone then.

ITALIAN SALVO!!!
AHNULD: THE REPUBLICAN RESURGENCE OF THE FOURTH REICH

With Arnold throwing his hat into the California gubernatorial race you can almost hear the faint sound of Wagner and goose-stepping, high-fiving storm troopers. They all fell: Sudetenland, Poland, Czechoslovakia, California? When asked to comment on his run for the governor of the great Golden State, Arnold stated: “We will avenge the injustices of the treaty of Versailles!” When told the treaty of Versailles was ratified 95 years ago, and has nothing to do with California, Schwarzenegger's eyes narrowed conspiratorially and he responded sotto voce: “The Jews!”

GAULEITER OF THE GOLDEN STATE PICTURED HERE AT A RALLY IN NUREMBURG

And while Larry Flynt promises to not be out done and plans to make the Governor's Mansion a virtual palace of poon, when asked to comment on what was next for California, Flynt stated: “It’s the CHEESE!” When asked to elaborate, Flynt started rambling about “Happy Cows” and strangely enough, “The Jews," at which point the Flynt Press people ended the interview and rolled him into a closet.