BASKETBALL HERO "RAPED ME OVER A CHAIR" SAYS ACCUSER; NEW DEFINITION OF "HERO" SOUGHT
BASKETBALL idol and Ass Bandit Kobe Bryant said "hello," grabbed his teen consort's tits and ass, and summarily bent her over a chair and raped her, an Eagle, Colorado court heard last week, right before asking to hear it again.
"Could you go back to the 'supple breasts' part again? I mean just for the record," the Court asked, clearing its throat and smoothing its pants' front.
DOES SHE HAVE AN ASS ON HER OR DOES SHE NOT HAVE AN ASS ON HER? I MEAN WITH AN ASS LIKE THIS, NO WAY MY ATTORNEY CAN FUCKING LOSE. CHECK HER OUT, YO.
The 25-year-old millionaire sodomite grabbed the hotel guide by the neck after a "consensual sexual encounter" quickly got non-consensual with the sudden introduction of Ass Fucking, Detective Doug Winters told the jury.
"When she thought she was leaving his room after chatting about tattoos, she asked for Bryant's autograph. Bryant thinking the word "tattoo" was some sort of "youth slang" for Anal Intrusion, replied he would give it to her later when she came back to his room," Winters said.
"She said he asked her for a hug and she gave him one and then he began kissing her mouth, her neck--actions she agreed to. She said he then began to grope her tits and ass. He began putting his hand under her panties, and she told him then that she had to leave. He said 'OK. But first! Ass Fucking!!!' The basketball player then bent her over a chair, pulled up her skirt and pulled her panties down," Winters told a visibly and disturbingly aroused Court.
She said that during intercourse he asked: "You're not going to tell anyone, right?" [Cornholio Agrees: "Smooooth"] After the alleged attack was over she said she ran down to the front desk and told the bellman EVERYTHING.
If convicted, the star could face between four years to life in jail on the business side of a chair himself.
More word on this as it develops.
MANUTE BOL CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS
Ex-NBA Player Manute Bol Plans to Become World's Tallest Basketball-Boxing-Golf-Jockey In a Think Tank Like Blast of Confusion
CALIFORNIA (SkullGame)--Former NBA player Manute Bol from "Sudan" plans to become the world's tallest horse racing jockey, he announced today from his "Sudan," California training camp.
BOL GETTING READY FOR THE OPENING GUN OF THE 200 METER BREAST STROKE
Planning to specialize in the new sport, Bol will become a licensed basketball-boxing-golf jockey with the Indiana Horse Racing Commission. A spokesman for the track said Bol, who stands over 7 feet tall, is doing it to support his Ring True Foundation, which raises money and awareness about problems in the civil war-torn "Sudan," a country it's suspected Bol just made up off the cuff as none of us has ever heard of it before.
He plans to make his jockey debut on October 18.
This is not the first time for Bol to take up a new sport to raise money. He has appeared in chess-field hockey, rugby-water polo, and jacks-and-archery contests and also played ice hockey for a minor league American team, the Indianapolis Ice. He could not be reached for comment of any kind at all as he's presently too busy counting all the money he's collected for trouble in Sudanistan. Or wherever.
ITALIAN SALVO......
THOSE PANTS HAVE ALWAYS STRUCK ME AS A LITTLE FRUITY
Prosecutors are considering trying three teenage boys, first as construction workers, indians and then bikers, before finally settling on trying them as adults. The boys, two 16 year olds and one 17 year old, face an indictment for an alleged overtly gay hazing incident that occurred during the Mepham High School football camp August 22nd through the 27th.
CUTTING OUT THE MIDDLEMAN: "WE'VE RESTRICTED OUR SODOMY TO HOSPITAL WAITING ROOMS. THAT WAY VICTIMS CAN GET THE MEDICAL ATTENTION THEY SO BADLY NEED. AND THEY CAN GET IT QUICKLY."
The boys are accused of sodomizing a 13 year old and two 14 year-old boys with a broomstick, pine cones and golf balls.
The Bellmore–Merrick school district suspended the three players and canceled the team’s season citing: “Hey! Where there is smoke, there is gay!”
And in the middle of this media firestorm, coaches of the newly minted Harvey Milk High School, also known as “Homo High,” are heavily recruiting the players of the Mepham High School football team, citing: “Hey! Where there is smoke there is gay!”
When reached for comment on the canceled season and Harvey Milk High School’s bid to recruit the remaining members of the now disbanded football team, my neighbor Phil said: “I think the last thing Long Island needs is to see those perverts running around in tights!” In an unrelated note Phil’s sexuality is still a point of much contention. To which I say, you guessed it: “Where there is smoke there is gay!”
AND SPEAKING OF GAY....
In a convergence of need, interest and kismet, California's soon-to-be-departing governor is teaming up with the beleagured German homosexual Siegfried whose tiger taming act with his hospitalized life partner Roy is in peril on account of them being terrible tiger tamers and whatnot.
"TIGER TAMING? IN MY BLOOD, BABY."
Governor Gray Davis has joined Siegfried in a bond that no man shall tear asunder.
And remember [Courtesy of the Las Vegas Tourist Board]: what happens in Vegas, especially double murders, drug deals gone awry, and teenage hooker highlight films...STAYS in Vegas.
