DAY 3 OF OUR TEAMING UP FOR GODDAMNED AMERICA GIVING DRIVE CONTINUES...

AS WE HUMBLY RECEIVE THIS CASH & GIVE IN RETURN? YOU GUESSED IT RIGHT: A DOUBLE TEAMING.

NOTE: This entire issue was written under the influence of HEROIN. Because it picks you up, while it smooths things down, before laying you out and making you steal TVs and shit. HEROIN: it's not just for junkies anymore.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES IN INTERGENERATIONAL KIDNAP HORROR: "I'M MISSING!!! SO IS MY CAREER!!!"

HELP!!! HELP!!! OH SHIT. NEVERMIND.

MEXICO CITY (SkullGame) -- Hollywood beauty CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is still missing. Kidnapping is suspected. The 34-year-old Oscar-winning star's limousine was ambushed by a gang as she was returning from the film set of the soon-to-be-straight-to-video "Legend of Zorro."

A source tells SkullGame, "The gang has reported that she is safe though she was very emotional afterward and had to be calmed down. And they calmed her down. The only way they knew how: with some Cristal, a nice swim and some codgy talk about movies."

THE RHEUMY-EYED ASSAILANT & ZETA-BETA-JONES PRE-KIDNAPPING

Zeta-Jones had been surrounded by massive security since arriving in the country to shoot the sequel to the hit 1998 movie "The Mask of Zorro," as the area has a notoriously high kidnap rate. It still didn't help.

We wish for her safe and unmolested return.

FROM THE NEW YORK POST: PARIS HILTON SPOTTED WITH VINNIE ROSE & ITALIAN SAL

IN LESS ENLIGHTENED TIMES, HILTON SHILLS FOR A CHARITY THAT'S NOT OURS. HERE SHE'S POINTING TO HER TITS.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- PARIS Hilton, out without her latest beau, SIMON REX, was locking lips to cock last Thursday night at Marquee with an unidentified man with a shaved head, and another one with an American flag. "They were definitely having fun," said one eyewitness. Just one night later at the same club, Baldy and friend were gone and Hilton was kissing LENNY KRAVITZ.

AND SPEAKING OF WILY JEWS....KRAVITZ'S ROLLING STONE FIGHT

UM, THESE ARE MY, UM, ASSO..ASSOC...FUCK IT. THESE ARE MY ASS.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Rocker LENNY KRAVITZ snubbed an event hosted by Rolling Stone magazine last week, after discovering he'd have to mingle with guests. Without pussies.

Kravitz happily accepted when invited to an intimate luncheon with senior staff at the magazine and reps from the GIRLS CLUBS OF AMERICA -- but flew into a rage when he found out over 100 people from the HAVE-A-DREAM foundation had also been invited to meet him, many of them without vaginas at all.

A source says, "Lenny called up and found out Rolling Stone had switched things a bit, and he just felt like they were whoring him out, so he said to cancel. At least that's what I think he said. Well he at least used the word 'whore'. That much I know for sure."