Red Light District
Rating: ZERO "Balco" BUSTED NUTS or FIVE "I Like Freaky Little Pricks" BUSTED NUTS
It’s fitting that the Balco debacle coincides more or less with the release of ONE NIGHT IN CHINA, whose reason for anyone giving a shit is that professional wrestler CHYNA (here known only as JOANIE LAURER) has a bunch of sex with her boyfriend (X-PAC, also known here only by his real name), who shoots the entire fiasco. Make that FIASCO.
OK. OK. THAT'S FUCKING IT!!! I'M FUCKING OUTTA HERE!!! BEFORE THIS GETS ANY MORE FUCKING GAY. AND BELIEVE ME, IF THIS IS HOW IT STARTS, IT WILL. OH, IT WILL.
Why are the two events fitting, you ask? Why, because both are testaments to the wonders/horrors of what anabolic steroids and human growth hormones can have on the human body. On one side, the “wondrous” explosion that BARRY BONDS’ body underwent from year to year as he went from a slender slip of a dude to the neck leviathan. On the other side, the horrific, repeated display of Chyna’s mutant clitoris and other manly things that we didn’t notice because, well, because we just didn’t want to.
But, you know, we couldn’t help but notice the clit. Try as we might. Seeing X-Pac’s pecker rub up against that anatomical malfunction was like watching a double anal, minus the hole.
Watching this video is like watching a Discovery Channel documentary on animal mating cycles. The couple meander around China (yes, the country), say a bunch of the kind of stupid shit that people say when they know they’re on camera, but intensified five times, and have really gross sex. Thank god there are some bonus scenes from actual, properly made pornos on here to fill out the 50 minute, colossal exercise in egoism and greed that is this lame ass excuse for a video.
But what the fuck do we know? Rubbish that features people who are in some way famous elevates the product from the trash heap. However, we think, just about any other porn is better porn than this. Pretend LUCI THAI is a pro wrestler. You’ll thank me later. -- STEELY ROB
Buy it NOW!
