skull_weblog

BTK KILLER CAPTURED. ON MTV. SINGING & SHIT. PLUS GYWNETH PALTROW CONFRONTS A COLDPLAY REALITY: AS SHE & HUBBY REALIZE THEY BOTH SUCK. COCK. AND LOTS OF IT. AND YES, J. LO IS STILL A BITCH.

But first RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JR. responds in riposte to last week's contention that he was fried out of his head on goofballs when he totally wrecked his fucking new truck last week.

"HERE!!! HIDE THE ACID....OH. OOOPS. NEVERMIND."

"While I know the whole SkullGame Dictum of 'anything for a joke' still rules, it was perhaps ill-timed, your mention of me being high on acid. Especially when it was, in fact, NOT acid. That wonderful hitchhiker girl was nice enough to gimme some of her anti-anxiety medication. Something with, um, a D and an S and L in it. Not DSL. That's computer shit and doesn't to my knowledge lessen anxiety. LDS is the Mormon church and while I know for a fact that Mormon girls fuck like jackhammers, I don't think this is what she gave me. Maybe it was Visine. But you wouldn't be spelling that with an L. Or an S. Or a D. Well yes you would. I mean with the S. But whatever it was it lessened my anxiety. And made me dizzy. Which in turn made me crash my truck. So fuck YOU and your assertion that it was illegal narcotics thet did this to me.

Assholes."

BTK KILLER CAPTURED; BOY BANDS ALL OVER AMERICA PULLED IN FOR QUESTIONING; JACK NICHOLSON STILL AT LARGE

"HEEEERRRREEE'S JOHNNY!!!" JACK NICHOLSON, LAST SEEN WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO, UM, BE THE BTK KILLER. OR AT THE VERY LEAST A SCENE CHEWING HACK.

KANSAS (SkullGame) -- DENNIS RADER, the man police believe is the BTK serial killer, hid for more than 30 years in plain sight over at MTV. While he lived in this suburb of Wichita, the city he is suspected of terrorizing, with a wife and two children, he also led a Cub Scout troop, was active in his Lutheran church, an ordinance enforcement officer for the local government, and the person single-handedly most responsible for B2K, N'SYNC, as well as the shadowy force behind YTK.

"We were confused as to the source of the constant stinking swill that's infested America like a pustulent boil," said Richard LaMunyon, Wichita's police chief. "And it seems he, along with his Jack Nicholsonesque doppelganger, led us right to the source: his corpse filled basement."

On Saturday, police identified Rader as a suspect in the BTK killings and recordings and announced an end to their 31-year manhunt for overly saccharined pop music as a means to torture his many victims to untimely deaths. Although no charges have been filed, a jubilant collection of law enforcers and community leaders told a cheering crowd they were confident the long-running case could now be closed.

GYWNETH PALTROW'S CHARMED LIFE TAKES A SUDDEN TURN FOR KEISTERVILLE

IN HAPPIER TIMES: WHETHER GETTING OR GIVING, ASS FUCKING WAS THE ORDER OF THE DAY AT THE PALTROW-MARTIN'S.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- GYWNETH PALTROW's marriage to British rocker CHRIS MARTIN is predictably on the rocks after only 14 months -- the pressure of combining their successful careers, marriage and parenthood on top of realizing that they're both insufferable and about as talented as almost anyone's left nut, is reportedly tearing them apart.

The couple have had a few fucking knock-down, drag-out fights and are spending more and more time apart -- the Coldplay singer has been working on his band's ticket to obscurity, their highly delayed third album, while the Oscar-winning actress has been left at home in London looking after their 8-month-old daughter Apple and counting her cash.

A friend tells British newspaper the Daily Mirror, "Adjusting to married life, then being parents and now trying to sort out their professional lives has been a lot more difficult and complicated than either of them imagined. Besides which they're both complete twats."

JENNIFER LOPEZ SAYS SOME SHIT THAT NO ONE'S LISTENED TO. AGAIN.

IT'S ALL FUN & GAMES UNTIL THE RICE & BEANS START WINNING

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Power Bitch JENNIFER LOPEZ has finally confessed she married Marc Anthony -- eight months after the couple walked down the aisle.

In an interview with People magazine, Lopez acknowledges her union when she said... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

THE 4-FUCKING F CLUB RETURNS: FOUND BY FUCKING FIREMEN, FUCKED & ALMOST FORGOTTEN

Three firefighters violated scores of FDNY regulations when they brought a woman into a Bronx firehouse nicknamed "Animal House" last summer and engaged in an early morning sexual tryst with her, the city's commissioner of investigations said Friday. One of the firefighters, Christian Waugh, has already been fired and the other two, Tony DeLuca and Anthony Loscuito, have been suspended, awaiting further disciplinary action, according to a 28-page report released by Rose Gill Hearn.

BIG WET TITS

Big WET Tits?!?! Well not yet they

ain't. But gimme a minute...

222441

BRANDON IRON'S A GOOD SOURCE OF IRON #3

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Just A Little More Fucking" BUSTED NUTS

Who would have thought that a movie that has little to no actual penetration could hold one's interest for SEVEN consecutive scenes of no actual penetration. I mean this could be the functional equivalent of a goddamned poetry reading what with the no penetration deal. Plenty of no penetration before, after and during aforementioned poetry readings. Anyways this should give you a hint: divide SEVEN sluts into 100 lucky sperm donors and what do you get?

One hell of a good, and just a little tiny bit degrading, time.

WE HAVE A PARTY & WE'LL ALL DANCE THE SCARLET O'WHORA. OH CHANUKAH!!!

Featuring DELILAH STRONG and the girl with the best name in porn ever, SCARLET O'WHORA, this movie has girl after girl taking load after load straight down the gullet with smiles on their collective faces that remind you of your high school year book…minus the sperm-smeared lips of course.

So, what’s the deal you ask?

Here it goes: if it's fucking you seek--a couple of these cunts get bamboozled into getting plowed so that’s cool--if its straight up cum shot after straight up cum shot shooting happily in the grill, again, you'll find it right here. Whatever it is you're looking for…I got you. You don’t need to go anywhere… I got you right here.

Oh yeah, before I forget. It makes you want to go take a look at that yearbook again don’t it? Yeah, me too. -- ITALIAN SAL


Buy It NOW!

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GANG BANG #4

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Special Today: Dozen Pork Sausages, $5.99" BUSTED NUTS

Two foreign porn queens find out America is the land of plenty, in the cockest possible way. I mean, KATJA KASSIN even sucks and buttfucks her way up a flight of stairs. And their particular Old World customs are even respected in their incredible gang bangs.

KATJA KASSIN MERE MOMENTS AWAY FROM A STAIRWELL SUCK-FUCKING BY NO FEWER THAN FOUR IMPUDENT COCKS

You see, each scene ends in a paganistic fertility rite, making this flick an important anthropological
documentary. Like how in Western Europe, sluts daintily sip coconut juice from a creamer, just like MELISSA LAUREN. And over in Eastern Europe, they like their choad served hot and direct; KATJA KASSIN gets her entire maw filled. Then she gargles, and swallows. The impudent nature of Western Europe contrasts with the patient way in which Katja kneels and waits for each gob, without swallowing a drop, until everyone's attended the party in her mouth.

Katja Kassin seems to do more savoring of the melange of different flavors, while Melissa Lauren tries to identify the separate swirls, one by one. It's kind of like how in Western Europe, they built ovens, and rounded up all the Jews. Whereas in Eastern Europe, folks were content to live under Communist rule, killing their Jewry slowly, over time.

Europeans look down on the crass commercialism of us Americans. We make porn on an economical scale, because men fuck these women for little more than a handful of viagra. So it's cheaper to make a porno with a 23 to 2 male/female ratio. The Americans laugh all the way to the bank, and the Europeans are left uttering insults through choad-glazed lips. That's what we call getting along.

But what will America do about its Jewish problem? -- JIMMY THE G

Buy It NOW!

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101 ANAL BEAUTIES

Digital Team

Rating: FIVE "Cut To The Chase" BUSTED NUTS

101 ANAL BEAUTIES is like the “COPS” best car chase reel, the “Jerry Springer Show” out-take video, and the “Top Fights of Kung Fu” tape: it gives you what you want while cutting out all the shit that wastes precious moments of your life that you could instead be using scouring our site for more porn.

SCENE NUMBER 67: BELLADONNA TAKING IT IN THE ASS WHILE TAKING IT ON THE CHIN. BEAUTIFUL!!!

We’re taking Video Team’s claim that there are 101 scenes over eight hours on this two DVD sprawl. We skipped around two hours’ worth, but the demands of a porn reviewer shows no clemency.

And this ain’t no shitpile, either. From what we saw, these are fine excerpts of scenes with broads you wanna see get fucked in the ass, even if you’ve seen it done dozens of times before. Chicks like BELLADONNA, SABRINE MAUI, LAYLA LEI and about 98 others...NINETY-EIGHT others, man.

Seeking anal overload bliss? This is the DVD that keeps on giving. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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HUNTER S. THOMPSON IN WELL-TIMED SUICIDE MOVE PROVIDES SKULLGAME WITH ALL THE EXCUSE IT NEEDS TO GET HIGHER THAN FUCKING KITES; PLUS: PARIS HILTON STILL A HO

In a stunning tribute to the passing of HUNTER S. THOMPSON, SkullGame's own RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JR. met this girl, wigged out in her Thompson lid and 30 hits of German liquid LSD...

ICH BIN EIN TOTALLY HIGH FUCKING SLUT WITH GOOOOOOOD DRUGS!!!!

...and dropped acid with her and then in a burst of almost SkullGame thinking took out his brand new truck and well...we'll just let him document this GREAT MOMENT IN ALMOST GREAT THINKING-DOING. Why the ALMOST? Well, nobody'd have had to tell PERRY THE GREEK that it's only funny when you smash someone ELSE'S fucking truck. But Ray is a young man yet.

"Hey, what's up? I'm lucky to be writing this right now. I was on my way to a booty call sunday night, and I slammed my truck into a fucking guard-rail going about 50mph. My back is kind of fucked up, but otherwise I'm fine. My goddamn truck is totalled though. I'm also facing a D.W.I. I feel like a fucking idiot, but what's done is done, no sense in crying over what's already done. I'll try to get those reviews in asap, but it might take longer than I thought, because I've got so much shit to deal with right now. Sorry. -- RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JR.

P.S.- Don't worry, it's not going to take me that long."

His dedication to the cause of Casa Skull is admirable in the goddamned extreme. We can only wish that his dedication to bringing tripped out hippie bitches by the offices whom we'd fuck whilst wearing our ceremonial pig masks was as extant.

NAOMI CAMPBELL TELLS SKULLGAME, "COCAINE ALMOST SAVED MY LIFE!"

..."IT LIFTS YOU UP, WHILE IT SMOOTHS YOU THE FUCK OUT. AGGGGHHHHH....I SAID, 'NO...WIRE...HANGERS!!!!'"

LONDON (SkullGame) -- NAOMI CAMPBELL says she nearly self-improved from her use of cocaine. Campbell tells Diane Sawyer on "Primetime Live" that she's glad she recovered, but acknowledges that it's still difficult.

"It was a rebellion in a certain way. You know?" the British supermodel says. "I don't want to be in that pain again. I don't want to be in that place. Cocaine almost made me easy to be around. Never again."

Campbell, 34, said she first tried cocaine when she was 24 but stopped before "something would have happened. Some self-improvement thing. I always did drugs before I would go on the runway because I knew that's when I was an active addict. I knew that they could see my eyes," she said, clearly still bent beyond belief on any possible combinations of cocktails, cocaine and carpet crack.

Campbell said she assumes others knew of her addiction to self-improvement at the time. "People aren't stupid. ... you think people don't know, but they know. They know. I mean, that's your mind playing tricks on you." In 2004, she won her appeal in a privacy case against a London newspaper that published photographs of her leaving a drug counseling meeting. Her lawyer said Campbell hadn't objected to the Daily Mirror's reporting that she had a drug problem and had misled the media about it, but only to its publication of details of her treatment that included throwing ashtrays, keeping everyone in the world waiting forever for no discernible reason, and long and withering glares at anyone saying anything that doesn't immediately begin or end with the words NAOMI CAMPBELL.

PROOF POSITIVE: PARIS HILTON'S WHORISH WAYS CONFIRMED BEYOND ALL SHADOW OF A STREET BLOWJOB

OH, FUCK IT. YOUSH MADE ME LOOSH COUNT....$1 MILLION & 2, $1 MILLION & 10, $1 MILLION...

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- PARIS HILTON's recent cell phone hack mishap has uncovered private notes leading to speculation over the hotel heiress' involvement in the release of her infamous sex tape was not as goddamned innocent as the slack-jawed slut might have made it first appear.

Because TV show "Celebrity Justice" discovered two intriguing personal notes stored in Hilton's phone: A note, dated last November, simply reads, "Ian Eisenburg at Mavard." Mavard is the Internet porn company responsible for releasing clips of the home video featuring Hilton and her then-boyfriend Rick Salomon. Another note, dated last October, reads, "Check from Rick," prompting speculation it's from Salomon.

When the clips were first released in November 2003, Hilton, Marvad and Salomon began a war of lawsuits. Hilton was outraged over the Internet footage and Salomon denied he released them. Then, one by one, the lawsuits were quietly dropped.

Salomon went on to make a fortune by releasing the entire sex tape, and Hilton has never acknowledged getting any cut of the profits. Because in all likelihood SHE IS A LYING, FUCKING CONNIVING SATCHEL MOUTHED SLATTERN.

Thank you very much.

JESSICA SIMPSON HOSPITALIZED; SEMEN BLAMED

WHAT?!? WHAT?!?! IT'S THIS NEW TYPE OF YOGA!!! SERIOUSLY!!!

CHICAGO (SkullGame) -- Bubble-headed butt queen JESSICA SIMPSON was briefly hospitalized on Monday after she was struck down with a "stomach virus."

The 24-year-old singer was filming a segment for Oprah Winfrey's hit talk show when she suddenly "fell ill". Simpson's representative Brad Cafarelli tells People magazine, "While Jessica was in Chicago shooting a segment for Oprah, she contracted a 'stomach virus' that had nothing to do with busboy semen, and subsequently became dehydrated. She is already feeling better after a semen chaser and being checked into, and released from, a local hospital for rehydration before flying back to Los Angeles."

Simpson was well enough to return to sucking Tuesday.

COERCED WITH A COUPLE OF COCKS? RIIGGHHTTT.

THE family of a boy from St Peter's College is still waiting for an apology from the exclusive Adelaide Anglican school 10 months after he was allegedly coerced into sexual activity by two other students on an excursion. The boy was 12 when he was forced to share a room with two other students whom he later claimed hijacked a game of "truth or dare" and compelled him to partake in oral and anal sex.

NO SWALLOWING ALLOWED #3

Diabolic

Rating: FOUR "Dick Dorks, Unite!!!" BUSTED NUTS

Porn as philanthropy? Let’s consider:

PAIGE IS VERY POPULAR IN HER HOMETOWN OF PROVO WHAT WITH HER SUCCESSFUL CAREER SUCKING THINGS AND WHATNOT

PAIGE TURNER would be an estranged young woman if not for her budding career as a porn starlet. But her career – and if
by career, you mean having nasty men cum on you while wearing one of those bell-shaped net thingies that veterinarians put on pets to keep them from scratching themselves – yes, her career
allows her to maintain open lines of communication with her estranged mother in Utah. Through porn.

Hi, Mom. I'm doing fine. Eating well and getting regular sperm baths by men worse than the ones you warned me about.

Speaking of which, this video had this staff witness to the most severe procession of dorkitude yet paraded before our eyes, as one guy more horrid than the next comes out from behind a screen door to lay some spunk down on ROXY JEZEL.

The guys who made this movie are committed. Or should be. And determined. We’re measuring this by how long and how focused they must have been to save a gallon of cum in a milk container and store it in the fridge for future use.

And like its predecessors in the same line, NO SWALLOWING ALLOWED #3 is a virtual porn equivalent of a ping-pong match played by right-handed people using their left hands. The action flies here and there and who knows where. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

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ONE IN THE PINK, ONE IN THE STINK #5

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "In The Stink? Just One? You Sure?" BUSTED NUTS

My sources have it that another holiday for lovers passed recently. "Valentine Day" or some such shit. And what did you get your true love, mother, or significant other? Not what she really wanted, but wasn't about to ask YOU for: not just one, but TWO cocks. (And that pair doesn't include yours, either.) That's why I go out for a Guinness, when I've got a gin still at home. Your special lady'll be wanting the expert double poking that only a SkullGame habitue can provide.

Think I'm kidding?

MERE MOMENTS AFTER THIS PIC WAS SNAPPED THIS SNATCH WAS PINIONED ON TWO RANK RODS LIKE A SAUSAGE ON A STICK IN A GREETING THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS REDLIGHT DISTRICTESQUE

Take us up on it: send the women on down to Casa Skull. $49.95 gets her a rubdown, a two-sided massage, lots of vital fluids, a hot towel to wipe off with, a happy ending and a DVD to remember her holiday with. There's a chance she might even get to be one of the world-famous BROADS OF THE BLACKHOLE!

Okay, cheapskate, still think I'm not for real? Watch this disc and see how happy these ladies get. And the porn cocks aren't even VINNIE or me. In case you think the ho's are just in it for the money, they all get interviewed before the double dickings, and ask "for one in the pink, and one in the stink," precisely. So you know they're down. Why? Because it's so good for them!

JASMINE BYRNE is an example of the health benefits your girlfriend can enjoy from the SkullGame exercise regimen. Look at how supple her skin is from all the stretching and semen! She can take one in the pink, and one in the stink so well, it's a shame to leave either hole unstuffed.

And a girl's immune system is strengthened by recycling the germs her digestive system has already rendered harmless, so all that ass-to-mouth is going to have your wife or mistress returned to you with a healthy glow that will last for weeks. ISABEL ICE knows this; she even eats some fuckhead's ass like it was used to smuggle ecstasy, and the condom broke. (NOTE: SkullGame staff do not stuff their asses with Ecstasy - we don't even know where that stuff comes from.) -- JIMMY THE G

Buy It NOW!

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JESSICA ALBA? WHORE? ELIZABETH JAGGER? WHORE? MICHAEL JACKSON? CRAZY WHITE BROAD? SKULLGAME KNOWS ALL, SKULLGAME FUCKING SEES ALL!!!

But first, THE SKULLGAME PERSONAL OF THE WEEK....

ME AT HALLOWEEN DRESSED UP AS A RACE CAR DRIVER. HA HA HA........HA.

Man looking for a no-strings attached encounter that will definitely NOT involve any kind of killing. So just to recap: just FUCKING, no KILLING. In fact, you have my word as a killer that there will only be fucking involved and that I am almost absolutely sure that I'm finished with that killing thing and really just want to do some fucking. NOT killing. Today. I promise. OK?

JESSICA ALBA'S AMAZING SLUT-BE-GONE FEMININE DEODORANT. FOR THOSE NOT-SO-FRESH DAYS

"HAVING JUST MET VINNIE ROSE I AM NOW RESOLVED TO NEVER BE THE FUCKING SLUT I HAD ONCE BEEN. YES. HE ACTUALLY INSPIRES THIS KIND OF EDIFYING GOODNESS. THANK GOD"

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- JESSICA ALBA is through with actors and sleeping around. Alba was only 18 when she got engaged to MICHAEL WEATHERLY, the man she describes as "knowing his way around a dick almost like he had owned one," while they were co-starring in "Dark Angel." When that didn't work out, Alba tells SkullGame she decided never to date an actor again.

She also admitted she went through "a wild period" after that. She said she had no problem being with a guy just for sex. Or several guys just for sex. Or men with cash. Midgets. Preop trannies. "Whatever. Whenever." Just for sex.

But now, she said, she thinks she's found "the one." His name is CASH WARREN and he's not an actor, though he is GAY what with that fucking stupid assed moniker, and is more than glad to have his gay name publicly linked with a such-like inveterate cock chain smoker like Alba.

LIKE FATHER, LIKE DAUGHTER: ELIZABETH JAGGER'S NEW SEX VID SHOWS HER SUCKING MUCHO MAN COCKO

LIKE DAUGHTER, LIKE COKED UP MOTHER. ALL'S THAT'S MISSING? A GAY NEGRO WITH A HARD ON. OH. WAIT A MINUTE...SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS HERE. OK. NEVERMIND. SAMUEL L. JACKSON AS RAYMOND ST. JACQUES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Pictures purporting to show ROLLING STONE MICK JAGGER's daughter ELIZABETH performing intimate, private and personal acts of a highly sexual nature that rhymes with FlowGob, in a London nightclub with the son of legendary soccer star GEORGE BEST, have been published in a British newspaper that SkullGame is presently negotiating with for secondary rights usage.

The 20-year-old model was reportedly filmed romping, especially if by "romping" you mean "sucking cock like cock was going out of style," with CALUM BEST in the capital's exclusive KABARAT PROPHECY in the early hours of Friday morning - following a party thrown by fashion designer MATTHEW WILLIAMSON - in full view of astonished staff.

CCTV footage appears to show Best exposing himself in the venue's doorway before grabbing Jagger in an intimate clinch. The pair then continued their sexual escapades despite being interrupted on three occasions by passers-by whose entreaties to join said sausage fun were soundly ignored by the selfish cunt.

A source tells SkullGame, "They didn't care that all their groping and petting could easily be seen by security and other guests and just carried on. Right up to the sticky finish. What can I say? I'm choked up. BIANCA would be so proud and would have been here today if she weren't delivering slack-lipped suck jobs to Nicaraguan farmers for peace or wherever the fuck she is these days."

MICHAEL JACKSON HUMPS TICKLE ME ELMO AND COUNTERS CHARGES BY SUGGESTING THAT THE MUPPET, "ASKED FOR IT."

C'MON....DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF FREAK WHO COCK WRESTLES WITH LIFE-SIZED REPLICAS OF FEMINIZED NEGRO MIDGETS? SHEESH.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The secret court documents that were leaked to the US web site, The Smoking Gun, have revealed that pop star Michael Jackson once pretended to, in a move that's hammered big giant coffin nails into his future as anything other than a Protective Custody freak, have sex with a child mannequin in his bedroom.

The 14-year-old, who says Michael Jackson molested him, claims that the star chortled as he lay on top of the undressed mannequin of a female child. The cancer victim told a Grand Jury hearing held behind closed doors: "Michael was acting like he was having sex with it," the Sun quoted the cancer victim as saying.

The boy's younger brother endorsed this charge by saying: "The mannequin in his bedroom was a female child, African American, and she would be sitting at the back left of his bedroom. He picked it up and was pretending like he was humping it on the bed. He was on top. And calling her Emmanuel and all whatnot."

The California Grand Jury heard the boys' statements last year before deciding there was enough evidence to put that fucking lunatic Jackson on trial.

VIRGIN, WHORE, WHATEVER THE FUCK

A Romanian court has awarded a woman the equivalent of about $16,000 Cdn for being wrongfully jailed for prostitution, authorities said Monday. Alina-Gabriela Straton was jailed for nearly two weeks in 2001, when she was 16, for failing to pay police fines for prostitution, court spokeswoman Diana Cheptene Micu said from the northeastern city of Iasi. Straton was released after the prison doctor certified she was a virgin, Cheptene Micu said. She filed suit in March, asking for about $160,000 Cdn in moral damages. The court ruled Friday to give her one-tenth that amount, Chepetene Micu said by telephone.

ASS EATERS UNANIMOUS #4

Evolution Erotica

Rating: THREE "I'd Like A Table By The Backdoor, Please" BUSTED NUTS

I used to date this particular girl. Out of respect, I won't tell you her name (Nancy Hudson). Anyways, I know we all have that one chick that royally fucked us up, and turned us into the emotionally void, negative, hedonistic, man-whores that we are today: THIS WAS THAT GIRL!

THE DELIGHTFULLY NAMED CHERRY POPPENS MAKING SURE THEY'RE STILL THERE...IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO JUMPING IN ON SOME MAN-ASS

No matter how many times she cheated, lied, ignored me, or generally fucked me over, I always came slithering back. Do you know why?

SHE LICKED MY ASSHOLE!!!

True, I don't particularly relish the sight of other men getting their salads tossed, but that's not the point. Seeing (or feeling) a female doing that is an incredible turn on, simply because she's doing one of the nastiest things imaginable. (You don't eat where you shit.)

There is very little actual sex in this one. Just hot chicks eating ass and sucking dick. But hey, no complaints here. CHERRY is one fine specimen who really seems to enjoy the task at hand, and CHANEL impressed me with one of the best blowjobs in recent memory. My hands down favorite though, was RENA and SATIVA, who unfortunately delivered the only girl on girl ass-eating scene. Ass-eatingly delicious and two nuts up. Or some shit like that. -- RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR.

Buy It NOW!

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MADONNA, JENNIFER LOPEZ: A SKULLGAME STUDY IN CAREER DESTROYING CONTRASTS! PLUS: WHERE THE FUCK WE BEEN: JIMMY THE G'S ONE, LONG LIE

But first this NEWSFLASH: SkullGame, in association with FUCKING, NOT KILLING Inc. and VICE Magazine, is branding a line of dildos. The Vice-SkullGame

Cocks: The Gift You're Getting Dildoes

will be the perfect stocking stuffer, ass plugger and/or alternative to real cock you've yet to see. Today. Modeled after the cocks of some of your favorite SkullGame cocks and limited to a run of only 500, this is sure to be as big of a hit as something that's a really big hit. Like Parcheesi.

OUR PLUS SIZE SPOKESMODEL WITH "THE ANIMAL THUG"

MADONNA WILLING TO EXPORT HER SWILL....FOR FREE NOW!!!

"I WILL DESTROY YOUR CAREER!!!!" MADONNA PICTURED HERE, LAYING IN WAIT, FOR YET ANOTHER UNSUSPECTING CAREER TO TROUNCE

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Professional slut, hirer of multiple nannies and religious zealot MADONNA has signed up to play a transvestite in a new movie that as sure as the sun will rise or the moon will set is doomed to ignominious failure at the hands of her ham-handed theatricality -- and she reportedly was so desperate for the role she waived all payment. Natch.

The Buyer of Red Jew Ribbons has finally secured the chance to play CANDY DARLING, a prostitute with tits and a cock, after chasing the part for years, in order to destroy it and the careers of everyone associated with it, writes British newspaper the Sun.

Darling starred in a number of ANDY WARHOL films and provided LOU REED with the inspiration to write "Candy Says" and "Walk on the Wild Side." An insider says, "Madonna has been desperate to make a film, ANY film, where she can 'earn' 'respect' for her 'acting' 'abilities'. She is still trying to shake off the crushingly bad publicity from the crushingly bad movie 'Swept Away,' directed by her erstwhile husband, Ol' What's His Name, who had been known as a director of note prior to being raped by the rollercoaster of her sluttish scene chewing.

"She has wanted to play this part for so long because she feels so strongly about the character. The guy with a cock and tits. Well that and her need to destroy even more careers. She said she would do anything for the part and a chance to drive ruination into the hearts of many more dreamers. So much so that she has agreed to work for free."

We wait. Expectantly. Sadly. Fearfully.

JENNNIFER LOPEZ, IN A LAST DITCH ATTEMPT TO FUCK HIS PROSPECTS INTO NOTHINGNESS, CONTEMPLATES TOURING WITH HER UNSUSPECTING HUSBAND, MARC ANTHONY

YES, YES. SHE IS A BITCH....THANKS FOR ASKING. NEXT QUESTION?

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- JENNIFER LOPEZ is reportedly planning, in a frantic fit of high concept bitchery, to "give" "fans" "around the world" a "taste" of her live performances wherein she throws dishes, sends dinner back two or three times, and shrieks at waitstaff with husband MARC "OH GOD SAVE ME" ANTHONY -- by, get this... going on a My Career's Fucked, How's Yours? tour with the salsa singer.

Lopez and Anthony, who exchanged nuptials last June, performed together for the first time on Sunday, when they sang a Spanish-language duet at the Grammys with Lopez performing a note-by-note imitation of LINDA MCCARTNEY, and now sources say they plan to hit the road together.

Curvaceous bitch Lopez is already set to accompany her husband on a brief "Bringing Sand To The Beach" tour of Spain at the end of the month, if she is feeling better from the innumerable ill-expressed ills vocally expressed in endless toe-tapping frenzies of impatience and balefulness and connected largely to everything from the color of things in the room to "that asshole father of yours," and now Anthony, a glutton for punishment, is reportedly trying to persuade her to join him on a more extensive tour later in the year.

A source tells magazine Us Weekly, "He wants to do it, but she has been trying to see if it is the right thing because her career is so fucking smoking right now. Not. Jen's people have advised her not to because they hate her too and so have said that it's bad for her 'career.' They tell her that she's too mainstream to tour with him. He needs her, but she doesn't need him. They are, it should be noted, as are we all, secretly plotting her downfall by blowing such likewise smoke up her voluminous ass."

SKULLGAME ABSENCES: BULLSHIT, LIES & PREVARICATIONS, SPONSORED BY JIMMY THE G

"MAN. SKELETONGAME IS MY FAVORITE WEBSITE. CAN YOU SEN' ME MORE MONEY FOR WEED...."

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- Perhaps you have noticed that our usual three times a week revision of said SKULLGAME pages has been spotty these past few months. Perhaps you've noticed the reruns we've been running. Perhaps you're in the cell next to us. In any case in a continuing series of excuse generation SkullGame writer JIMMY THE G offered the following doozie.

"Vinnie,

I admit, the 80 hour work weeks have ended. But it's the lack of weed has left me with few of those urges furiously to yank at my groin. I am attaching a review, a hastily fabricated excuse for why I
haven't written anything lately, and a picture of myself, hard at work, so you understand how fucking hard it is. (For me not to look completely gay.)

I have been trying to obtain the substances necessary to shirk the many other resposibilities in my life, and sit dazed before the cathode ray fucktron, forming opinions to share with the lotion-fisted
masses that read SkullGame, which is great without my contributions, even. Hopefully, someone is coming through for me tonight.

As if it wasn't all I could do to prepare to get around to ONE IN THE PINK, ONE IN THE STINK #5, I just got a very thick package from Metal Rob, full of MORE PORN. So I really feel this small, now that I get
your email on the same day. I can't sleep, so I might just have to try the one thing sure to wear me out - the mighty exertion of lifting my cock out of my zipper one more time.

Haven't forgotten. My weed.

ciao,
JIMMY THE G"

AND WITH MOTHER'S DAY JUST AROUND THE CORNER...

A DUTCHMAN has been accused of murdering his mother, flaying her and then cloaking himself in her skin during a street festival. The 42-year-old, identified only as Roland Z, was held after police in the southern town of Vlaardingen received reports that a man was causing a disturbance. He was said to be wearing a strange suit or draped in a flag and shouting quotations from the Bible. "This man was arrested while he stood attempting to direct traffic," said Henry Hambeukers, a police spokesman. "He said immediately that he had killed his mother."

JOHN LESLIE'S VOYEUR #29

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Excuse Me? Is Hard Fucking Home?" BUSTED NUTS

I pressed the play button and was willing to believe that this would be good porn as the intro was kind of cool, but I have to admit that this impression was reduced. At least as the film went on and director JOHN LESLIE stumbled down some "reality thing" staircase.

LIZ HONEY? YES, SHE CERTAINLY IS!

You see, the first fuckers were getting it on more or less public-like in some kind of club, but when the camera guy all of a sudden turns the camera toward some guy who just entered the club and goes

"Hey! How are you, bladi bladi bla" and then turns back at the threesome at work, well I couldn't help wondering "wot the fuck?"...oh, yeah, right....REALITY!!! Well, it didn't seem very real when the supposedly jealous boyfriend happens to walk in as two guys with big cocks are fucking his girlfriend, and then later on joins her in the bathroom and wants to fuck her ass, 'cause apparently she has never been fucked in the ass before....right! MORE reality!!!

But the fucking is in general OK, but the setting was just fucking silly. There are plenty of pretty girls and a few good looking guys, and some LESS good looking guys, and there is a variety of combinations like girl on girl, various threesomes and foursomes. But, well, you know, I was a bit disappointed by the lack of proper hard fucking. The situation with the girl with the two blokes seemed promising at one point, but then it all sloooooowwweeeddd down again.

And overall, none of the fuckers seemed to ever get to a finish line. There was no real build up. Why is it so rare to see porn where the fuckers actually come while fucking? Eh, wot? I mean I find come shots rather boring [That ain't what you told me last night. -- CORNHOLIO] ...how exciting is it really to always see the girl being squirted in the eye...over and over again? Perhaps that is just me, but I like to see some real hard fucking until at least one of the fuckers COMES. I mean if any of these girls came during the film, I must have most definitely missed it.... -- ANGEL BABY

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/226279.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SQUIRTWOMAN #2

Elegant Angel

Rating: FIVE "I Am Soooooo High" BUSTED NUTS

I am having such a hard time focusing here. For one thing I am having some residual effects of the synthesized THC I had last night. The synthesized THC that I was under the effect of whilst watching this PATRICK COLLINS squirt extravaganza.

TIANA LYNN. THINKING ABOUT CUPFULS OF NEAR PISS. AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

You could see from the title that this is going to be a squirting showcase flick for anyone who is into water sports. Starring the double super soakers TIANNA LYNN and CYTHEREA the action is going to get very wet and very wild. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/217182.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BOOTY TALK #57

West Coast Productions

Rating: THREE & A HALF "More Real Than Advertising" BUSTED NUTS

BOOTY TALK must be black porn’s best approximation of pillow talk. And the people at West Coast Productions certainly have had a lot to say about booty. In fact, we think that they should be appointed as head advertising researchers for the Mars corporation, makers of Three Musketeers and Twix brand candy bars.

What?

KANDI FUCKING KREAM OVERFLOWING AT THE SEAMS LIKE A GODDAMNED AMERICAN DREAM

I saw an ad recently for Twix. In it, an average looking black guy is having some personal time with the chocolate and caramel snack. Have you seen this one? His girlfriend comes in and waves her ass at him. It’s a pretty big fucking ass, but a nice one, as far as pretty big fucking asses go. Anyway, she asks him what he thinks. He flashes a look of panic. Being both dead honest, somewhat sensitive, and possibly not too bright, he crams the remaining Twix stick in his mouth and gives his opinion, but it sounds like gibberish. She takes it as a compliment and walks away smiling.

Anyone who has ever had any contact with Black people, hung out with CORNHOLIO, or at least has seen a West Coast Productions video or two know that it’s all about the big ass. The people at Mars are retards who must only be selling their product to white yuppie scum who play hip-hop in their Hummers.

Commercials lying? Next thing you’re going to tell me is that Coors Lite beer commercials are unrealistic.

Anyway, BOOTY TALK #57 has a nice collection of those pretty big fucking asses that the Black man from another planet in the Twix commercial doesn’t like. But we think they’re pretty damn good. If you like black booty, but are frightened by the ALL DAT AZZ line, stop off here. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/227772.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JULES JORDAN'S ASS WORSHIP #6

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Fant Ass Stick" BUSTED NUTS

Though the box to this flick would have you believe you are letting yourself in for 2 discs of satanic ass bending buggery, in reality it is fairly low on devil worship and hand crampingly HIGH on ASS. Which is to say, really, really fucking good. Evil Angel seem to have grasped the advantages of DVD and this flick perfectly illustrates that, multiple chapters, fetish menus...all that's missing is a waterproof cover for your laptop.

AUGUST: LADIES & GENTLEMAN? START PUNCHING YOUR FACES....NOW!!!

The first scene features AUGUST, whose ass makes me want to punch myself in the face and praise the fucking lord. Filmed outside in what I can only guess is the baking Californian sunshine, August gets oiled up and royally goosed, on a sunlounger. Watching this DVD whilst in the depths of winter in Britain will either make you love porn or kill yourself.

Notable other scenes include JADA FIRE and VANESSA BLUE and a man in a leather thong. Surely the gayest man I have seen in porn, he yelps and whimpers his way through the scene, as he struggles to not cry from the life wrecking fuck that the girls inflict upon him. Seriously, this scene made me wince. I had seen Miss Blue cussing, rubbing and flicking in HAND SOLO previously, but nothing could quite prepare me for just how fucking filthy she is.

Also featured in time-honored ass fucking tradition is JAYNA OSO, who gets triple teamed, and by the looks of things, loves every second of it. The only downfall of this scene is the 20 mins beforehand of Jayna squirting gallons and gallons of milk out of her ass. Whose idea was this? Call me a prude, but farting milk is not something I would readily want to whack off to.

Dairy-based complaints aside I can't really find anything else at fault here. I could tell you about KATJA defying science and managing to fit MANDINGO's length up her petite ass. Or GIA PALOMA dressed as catwoman for a double penetration scene.

But tough titties, I'm not going to. Instead buy a copy for everyone you know. And two for yourself. -- ENGLISH BOB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/220631.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JULES JORDAN'S INVASIAN!

Pearl Harbor, The Rape of Nanking

And now THIS!!!

135982

HERE'S ONE FOR YOU MR. FUCKING ROSE!!!

YO VINNIE,
She left. It's not so important that she left me for you. What is important is that you know how much this single thing has fucked up my life. It's one thing when it's fun and games. It's another thing when it's real lives. Mine with my wife was one such life. Thanks a whole lot. Fucker. -- M. MILLER (by email)

IN HAPPIER TIMES: ANOTHER GODDAMNED BASEBALL GAME...WHILE HUBBY WONDERS "WHY...OH, WHY?!?!"

Dear MR. MILLER: Sometimes real life intrudes on our pleasant little idyll of THE AVENUE OF MACK. Sometimes our personal preferences elbow out all the fucking dick jokes. Sometimes a fucking dick digging through his wife's personal private shit discovers one of life's lessons a little long overdue: nature abhors a vacuum.

And because it's clear that you're no scientist lemme spell it out for you: an unfucked women who's as hot as your wife will get fucked as fast as you can say "Honey I got season tickets!...Again."

We ain't stolen your woman, sailor, you LOST her. And instead of bitching about her you should be sending us checks because we have done you the single best public service anyone could have done for you: introduced you to freedom.

And why do we keep saying WE?

Simple arithmetic, Lefty. Simple arithmetic.

So while I'm sad that you fucked up a good thing by demanding fidelity from a damned fine woman. And I'm sad that by proxy you won't be buying me anymore jewelry. I'm NOT sad that YOUR life was fucked up since it seemed it was already that, at least, well back when you decided on Giants' games instead of fucking your wife.

Hope this helps.

BIG WET TITS

Elegant Angel

Rating: FOUR "Tits Worth Of Rack On Carmen" BUSTED NUTS

This is supposed to be some kind of plot-driven movie.

And I'm not about to slide any further into being the fucking "David Manning" of porn. You know, a nonexistent critic at a nonexistent Rhode Island newspaper, a name tacked on to the end of raving, "heartwarmingly funny" reviews cooked up by the movie studio people, to put on their posters and ads.

NOT ONLY HAVE WE BEEN ON RECORD AS STATING THAT WE LOVE THEM JEW BROADS LIKE DAPHNE ROSEN, BUT WE WILL NOW GO ON RECORD TO STATE THAT WE LOVE BIG OL' FAT, JEW BROADS LIKE DAPHNE ROSEN. WITH COCKS IN THEM. WET TITS, OR NOT (IT'S ALL AN EVENTUALITY ANYWAY). L'CHAIM, BABY, L'CHAIM.

JIMMY THE G is real, with a real Snap-on Tools habit to feed, and a newly found need to bone CARMEN. Get me some of them, and I'll tell you about the picaresque bandana guy and why he's fucking all these broads. Until then, you can read my laurel worthy poem about CARMEN:

Thick and Brown
Soft and Round
CARMEN gets down
and goes to town.

There's other scenes that I don't see when I close my eyes. The second and last ones are worth viewing. Right in the middle there's this 'ho, she's, I don't know, Dominican, Venezuelan, some thingian. She's got her porn name, "Teaz" tattooed on one mammoth left tay-tay, yet goes by a real name in the video. Was Teaz taken already? Couldn't you pay the tattoo guy a little extra for a (c) or (R) or (TM)? CARMEN, you don't have to be such a "Teaz", all I did was unzip and something splattered my television. That's no "Teaz". However, they are two "titteaz," and then some. But I never really got the whole titty fucking thing. It just seems like a ruse that serves as a prelude to a facial. But I'd write my love poem in coconut juice on the right one.

But if you wanna know about a fucking tease, a tease is that Jamaican bitch who left me blue balled, then complained to the fucking cops that I didn't want to go out with her, just have sex with her. Waitaminit, no, that's "Psyko". Sorry. At any rate, she also made threatening calls to some of the other women I like to spend time with, claiming me as her boyfriend. Thanks for harshing my real fucking dates.

The only solution I see is to cut some slots in some cans, paste my baby picture on them, and leave them by convenience store checkouts, to start a "Jimmy Fund". Before CARMEN is too big, with child or otherwise, I'll be able to make my bid. If I don't get one in a liquor store near you, you can mail your tax-omissible donations to Jimmy the G's cure for blue balls research fund, care of Skullgame, P.O. Box 19271, Stanford, CA 94309. With your help, I can make a fucking difference. -- JIMMY THE G

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/222441.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

KRYSTAL METHOD

Vivid

Rating: ONE "Vividly Vivid" BUSTED NUTS

This is high production porn with THE star!! Emphasis on HIGH.

I mean busting a title that plays on the drug scourge of San Fernando Valley is like a band o'Jews calling themselves The Auschwitzs. Wait, wait. THAT'S actually genius. But this flick, man, it was boring!!! It was like the last-hour-before-the-crash kind of boring. That is, outside of all the epileptic-seizure-inducing cuts and camera editing, and all these high falootin' video effects, this woulda' been all right.

JENNA JAMESON WITH HER ASS PRESSED UP AGAINST OUR WINDOW AGAIN...WHY? WHY?!?!

But damned, if it didn't just...well not have the intended effect that (I believe) it was supposed to have (unless a Pokemon-esque seizure was the goal).

Now this one hot girl in stripped tights and all was really hot, but, who was she? And why did they decide to end her scene, a skosh prematurely if you ask me, for more flashing lights and guys wearing gas masks?

Maybe I shouldn't try to understand. Maybe I should just grab tool and commence to jacking. Maybe I could actually do so after turning this thing off.

Now, if only they woulda' filmed this thing underwater...hhhmmmmmmm. -- HANK CRANKY

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/222943.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SHE SAID "BLOW ME"...AND SHE MEANT IT #2

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "A Whole Lot Of Tits & Cocks & The Men Who Suck Them" BUSTED NUTS

Throwing around bold statements like "Good to the last drop!" and "Quality you can taste!" NACHO VIDAL, besides having a great name, also knows how to sell a DVD filled with sex the average joe would hate. Well fuck average joe and fuck his average taste in bumping average uglies. This is sex for real men!

...you know, the kind who like to suck cock in addition to fake tits or the kind that like to watch other men suck cock and fake tits while feverishly jacking off into a tissue...three times.

YES, YES...SHE'S A FINE, FINE, "WOMAN". A FINE, FINE "WOMAN" WITH A COCK IN HER MOUTH. NOPE, NOTHING GAY ABOUT THAT AAAAATTTTT ALL.

BUT, seeing as there are plently a cock sucker walking around wanting to suck cock AND fake tits, that includes me, there's no shame in actually...you know, declaring your love for sucking cock and fake tits.

I'm THE FLYING FUCKING DUTCHMAN and I love sucking cock and fake tits.

So all is fair game up to a certain point, that point being all the fucking close ups of man-wanting-to-be-woman ass and all the manly blemishes they're adorned with. If there's no ass fucking, I don't want to see no fucking ass!

Watching some fag sucking she-male cock is one of the greatest things in porn and I can't get enough of it, but when I see another man-wanting-to-be-woman ass and all the manly blemishes it's adorned with then I will go fucking crazy!

-I love how every guy with no fake tits in this movie is being treated like a fucking whore by fucking whores WITH fake tits and bad accents.

-I love how there is no ass fucking in this movie (yes, VINNIE, I know that doesn't make me any less of a homosexual)

-I love how at least FIVE of the she-males almost look like proper whores instead of men trying to be whores.

-I love cock

Wait, never fucking mind. NACHO VIDAL, I salute you! -- THE FLYING FUCKING DUTCHMAN

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/220657.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

KUM PAO

Colossal Entertainment

Rating: THREE & A HALF "In Stitches" BUSTED NUTS

It’s both wonderful and tragic that LUCY THAI is still the best Asian slut the porn world has to offer. Great because she’s gorgeous, but bad because there isn’t the same line of Asian sluts out the door, waiting to take her place like you’ve got with the white broads.

LUCY THAI...JESUS H. FUCKING CHEERIST...WITH A COCK THAT'S ALL WRONG. MOSTLY ON ACCOUNT OF IT AIN'T BELONGING TO NONE OF US

ASIA is a pretty good pretender to the throne though. She’s getting nastier... taking pile-driver anal being the best barometer. Unfortunately, she also deserves this year’s Female DICK DELAWARE Award (given last year to CRIS TALIANA) for general inane spewings about her Asian ass, inability to shut the fuck up-ness, and obnoxious ghetto accent meets English non-proficiency. When she takes the needle off the record to actually say something different, she seems lost....Then she goes on again about her Asian ass.

But that’s cool.

All the babes in this video are fuckworthy. LUCY LEE (the Asian one) has always appealed to us in a half-sexy, half-puggy, but all-the-more-fuckable-for-each kinda way. Only thing is, with all those silver studs she’s got in ther face, she’s starting to have that Pinhead from the “Hellraiser" movies look.

NAUTICA THORN and NYOMI MARCELLA are also nice to look at, but neither are taking it in the ass yet. Hope is lost.

Jeers to the director, who unprofessionally, but totally understandably, fucked MIKA TAN in the ass so hard – and didn’t capture it on camera – that she had to forego her butt-plugging for our vieweristic sensibilities. Going on about how she had to have stitches in her ass (we guess it was a “joke”) because of it is not cool, either. Staring at a girls’ o-ring in fascination, yes, but morbid fascination, no. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/223984.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S THERE'S GOTTA BE A BETTER WAY AWARD GOES TO...

A man who used an Internet chat room to try to set up a mass suicide on Valentine's Day had been trying to persuade women for at least five years to engage in sex acts with him and then kill themselves, a sheriff said Sunday. Gerald Krein faces charges of solicitation to commit murder, but prosecutors are expected to increase the charge to attempted manslaughter Monday, said Klamath County Sheriff Tim Evinger. Combing through old chat room records, investigators discovered that Krein had been enticing women across North America to commit suicide as far back as 2000, Evinger said.

A WORLD GONE GODDAMNED MAD: JENNA FUCKS KOBE, AMY FISHER FUCKS UP, AND CHONG'S FUCKED OVER

DEFENSE TEAMS BAFFLED: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THINKING?!?!

"She's white, right? What the fuck's the problem?" The pro basketball buttfucker queries

I AM GUILTY OF NOTHING BUT LOVING, NOT POORLY, BUT UNWISELY. AND IN THE ASS.

In a move sure to surprise no one at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME, it was revealed today that in keeping with the trend first reported here of mainstream Hollywood Ho's going plum pornofied, embattled Negro Sodomite KOBE BRYANT has allegedly made his first porner with hot bitch JENNA JAMESON. In VIVID's newest title JENNA LOVES KOBE this forbidden love shows its face in a move that is sure to complicate the jurisprudential Gordian Knot that the KOBE Ass Fucking Trial has devolved into.

HIGH AS A KITE: "SO I LOVE HIM? SO WHAT?"

More information as this stunning story develops.

LONG ISLAND LOLITA AND SLUTTISH, FACE-SHOOTING EX-CON AMY FISHER WEDS
Amy Fisher calls it "happy ending. On account of nobody getting shot or nothing."

SHERIFF'S DEPUTY GIVING AWAY THE BRIDE: POTATO-FACED FISHER

GARDEN CITY, N.Y. (SG)—
"KNOCK KNOCK!" "WHO'S THERE?" "AMY FISHER!" "AMY FISHER WHO?" "BANG!!!!

Amy Fisher, whose shooting of her lover JOEY BUTTAFUOCO's wife when she was 17 (the slut, not the wife), thusly earning her the tabloid nickname "Long Island Lolita," has tied the knot with some hapless fucking moron who hasn't got a single goddamned clue.

Fisher, who became a newspaper columnist last year to the shock and chagrin of real journalists everywhere, was married this week, according to her laughable excuse for a paper, the Long Island Press.

Purposefully vague, the paper didn't reveal whom the 29-year-old Fisher married or when and where the ceremony took place, saying all will be told in her next column, to appear in the weekly's Sept. 18 edition.

Fisher busted out of the joint in 1999 after serving seven years in prison for shooting the aging wife of her aging lover, Joey Buttafuoco, in the face on the front porch of the couple's home.

"I felt just like the world felt: that I was one of those lost girls who was destined for a life of tragedy, despair, bad hair and sleazy fucking lesbian encounters in any number of different jail cells" the statement quoted Fisher as saying. "But my life is really coming together, and I'm so thrilled that no one got shot or nothing yet. This is the happy ending."

YEAH. REAL FUCKING HAPPY ENDING.

Buttafuoco, who was railroaded into pleading guilty to one count of statutory rape, served six months in jail. He and his wife of 26 years, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, later moved to California so he could pursue an acting career and hang around the HUSTLER CASINO. She filed for divorce earlier this year.

Well wishes and letters of condolence can be sent to the Sing Sing Slag at AmyFisher@Islandear.com.

UP IN SMOKE: CHONG GETS A ROYAL FUCKING

PITTSBURGH (SG)--Throwing himself on the mercy of the Pig Court and claiming that shit "just got the fuck out of hand," comedian and That '70s Show actor Tommy Chong got reamed the fuck out by a federal judge for a nine month bid behind bars for conspiracy to sell drug paraphernalia by catalog and on the Internet. The AP said he admitted to having a former problem with marijuana that he beat when he took up salsa dancing, clearly indicating what his attorney Ashley Roachclip had maintained all along: "aw, now that's just the hash talking now."

ATTORNEY ASHLEY ROACHCLIP DOING HIS SUMMATION WITH CHONG IN FRONT OF THE CIRCLE K CONVENIENCE STORE

In a full on burst of baked reasoning, the former half of Cheech and Chong had admitted his Chong Glass company sold about 7,500 bongs and pipes until a Valentine's Day raid by federal drug agents at his home and business in California, but Roachclip argued that Chong had really just planned to use his celebrity to become a role model against drugs, according to the AP.


PRO TEM ATTORNEY-AT-LAW IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ AT PRESS CONFERENCE

When reached for comment Lead Counsel IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ said, "of course he goddamned did."

JENNA JAMESON AND KOBE BRYANT: THE STORY THICKENS

In a development sure to draw the ire of women's groups all over America MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME has learned that KOBE BRYANT is in actual fact KOBE TAI, Japanese porn star. Says SKULLGAME Senator Vinnie Rose, "well I'll be goddamned. BRYANT disguises himself as a Japanese broad? The man is a motherfucking genius."

KOBE BRYANT WITH THE WOMAN HE WILL SOON BECOME

SEX UNDERWATER #8

Aqua Entertainment

Rating: TWO "What's The OTHER Reason the Water Would Be Warm?" BUSTED NUTS

Yup, lot's 'o scuba gear, big fake tits flopping and floating (interesting at least)....Really weird to be honest. I mean, OK, I can't swim, so, naturally I'm a bit put off. A bit fucking panic-stricken here, but the cover did say "Vintage Scuba Sex! 100% Hard-Core" and "Straight From Grandpa's Attic"...heyyyyyy, Jesus Fucking Christ, I don't want NOTHING "straight from grandpa's attic"!!!!!

CLAMS ON A HALF SHELL, AND FORNICATE, FORNICATE!!!!

Am I missing something?

This just all looked SO uncomfortable...what with the tanks, and flippers, and hoses, and masks...seems like alot of work. But as a wise man once told me "you know there's at least someONE out there who gets off on this." And trust me, he's a pro. With a ballpeen hammer. So, I'll keep working here.

I mean I suppose this is just all about those 1968-COUSTEAU (Jacques, not DESIREE), we just smoked a bowl of afghani hash moments or something. Which means: these fuckers are old enough to BE your grandparents. This might turn some of you on. The rest of us have fled the building for the quieter climes of MUTUAL OF OMAHA. -- HANK CRANKY

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/220144.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ROCCO: ANIMAL TRAINER #16

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "Animals? You Mean Like Bambi, Right?" BUSTED NUTS

Ah, the porno with a plotline - haven't seen one of these in a long while. But already it's reminding me of when I first found a porno at home and I wondered why the fuck spit was coming out of this guy's cock... and why some woman was eating it... life can be so confusing when you're young. Anyway...

THE UBER-APTLY NAMED CLAUDIA JAMSSON LEARNING AN OBJECT LESSON IN HOUSEBREAKING.

MONIKA and ALINA SUN are definitely hot, with their pornstar footwear and teasing asses, but there's something about euro girls that I’ve never liked - why do they always sound like they're faking it? Give me American pussy any day of the week, girls like our friend OLIVIA know EXACTLY how to get a guy off. Enough ass-kissing though, back to the all-important plot: the opening orgy (a consensual rape scene - trust the Europeans, eh?) is OK, but I'm waiting for better. At least DEMI COOL has good slut nails - the kind you wouldn't mind cutting you up a little. Or maybe that's just me.

The next scene really pushes back the boundaries - pure exposition, to be continued later! You just know these two sailor dudes are gonna return, the anticipation, the tension... well, there might be if MEGAN didn't have orange peel thighs, but at least she gets good and nasty in the scene that follows, her domme forcing JENNIFER MAX onto a strap-on, but again they look like they'd rather be watching Murder She Wrote. Megan does lick Jennifer's ass out big time though. Mightily pleasurable I must say. Can't use that strap-on for shit though.

Now the moment we've all been waiting for, Rocco himself - and the girl he's gonna nail ain't too bad either. But wait, shit - it's more exposition, we're with two black dudes and a bitch in pink now - all this clever editing is too much for me, I just wanna see filth! Eventually Rocco and his friends do indeed tame these girls (Claudia is particularly hot, all blonde hair and nasty attitude), we even get a daring P.O.V. shot when they're blowing him - Dziga Vertov would be proud of these awesome auteurs.

Not great but not bad either, Rocco's Patrick Bateman-esque shenanigans with his 'animals' save this from euro-porn hell. -- TEABAG

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/222563.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

TONY RIBAS' NEW GIRLS VOLUME 2

Platinum X

Rating: THREE "Baby, I'll Make You A Staaaarrr" BUSTED NUTS

I've seen those classified ads, the open casting calls for fresh porn talent. Any nerd with a camera and the loot can get together some "new" girls, and put together a masturbatory masterpiece. They won't pay ME to fuck their ho's, however, which is why I will slag porn makers as long as I have appendages to hunt and peck with, or at least until I get a few hundred unspoken for ducats and Vinnie lends me his camcorder. You see, I have this artistic vision... "Jimmy the G's Garage of Lust" ... stuff that's never been done before, to women whose images have never been digitized before. And now that I've stroked it off, back to your regularly scheduled "why that's not the brightest idea ever."

NIKI MONTANA (NEVER BEEN TO THE STATE. JUST LIKED THE WAY IT SOUNDED WHEN GARGLED THROUGH A MOUTHFUL OF JIPE) IN HER DAYJOB AS A HEART ATTACK INDUCER.

First fuck: She's only new once, then she's old. Why do I keep on waking up next to girls like this? They're new like when McDonalds has a commercial for some new sandwich. First, I MUST HAVE THAT SANDWICH! And then, it's nowhere near as big as on television, I can't stop shitting, and I can't learn from it. Only difference is, there's no such thing as condoms for fast food.

The second scene crams so much skankiness in, it made an impression. As in a fist-shaped dent in the dick. I think I might have pulled something to this one. These two sluts do the ass to mouth, ass to ass, scum drenched DP's -- the kinda stuff laws are enacted against in ass backward regions, since you can't keep ho's on the farm for long when they know how to make some real cash.

But something about that scene makes me think those chicks give it their all, just to keep the three men from piling up on each other. Maybe it's just that one dude...why the fuck am I noticing him? The camera operator likes him and his ass tattoo a little too much.

This flick still gets my nuts bustin', however, because the other scenes don't try to mess with my head in such rude ways. All I remember is faceless cocks, promptly hidden by eager orifices.

So enjoy the girls while they are new, they don't none of them look like they'll be in porn for too long. Unless they want to work with an aspiring producer, one who can't pay them in anything but the liquid white gold they suck up, like they really have never been paid to suck all those other times. -- JIMMY THE G

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/224010.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MOUTH 2 MOUTH

Diabolic

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "A Snowball's Chance In Heaven" BUSTED NUTS

The only way to have a snowballing scene work is if you have two GIRLS. And herein lies the main device that makes MOUTH 2 MOUTH work: more chicks than dicks. It’s a simple formula, and you’d think that more porn producers would stick the fuck to it.

"AND I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL MY FANS, MY WHOLE COUNTRY AFTER WHICH I HAVE NAMED MYSELF AND OF COURSE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE 10,000 COCKS THAT HAVE FOUND THEIR WAY UP MY ASS CHUTE....WITHOUT YOU, I'M NOTHING!!!" SANDRA ROMAIN GUSHING EUPHORIC, POST-CEREMONY

Above and beyond, this video is mostly about one particular scene with Miss Anal Romania SANDRA ROMAIN and ARCADIA, who’s got the look of one of the best whores Thailand has to offer. Alls a cock has to do is get anywhere near Romain’s ass and she’s saying how much she loves it. Our kind of girl.

And for us, it’s really about the no-holes-barred fucking, which abounds here amongst some of the biggest names in backdooring in the biz. Rattling off a list of names: KATSUMI, LAUREN PHOENIX, MELISSA LAUREN and KATJA KASSIN.

Produced by TONY T?!?!?!

Past transgressions have been slightly alleviated. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/227454.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE SKULLGAME GRAMMY REPORT WHEREIN IT'S REVEALED THAT THOUGH IT'S A DIFFERENT YEAR IT'S THE SAME OL' FUCKING SHIT. PLUS: MATT DAMON'S TINY DICK, PART 2

FRIGHTENED BY THE PROTUBERANT BREAST OF DOOM, THE 47th ANNUAL GRAMMYS SIT QUIETLY IN A CORNER AND TRY TO MAKE BELIEVE THAT THE TERRORISTS HAVE NOT ALREADY FUCKING WON

SkullGame's CORNHOLIO Alleges "A Motherfucking Racist Conspiracy."

"NAKED WHITE BITCHES EVERYWHERE, AND NOT A BOYCOTT IN FUCKING SITE"

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- CORNHOLIO, SkullGame's eminence grise while attending this year's Grammy's started telling just about anyone who would listen "that it's all just a motherfucking racist conspiracy.

"I GUESS IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY FOR HALF NAKED WHITE BITCHES TO GO TO THE GRAMMYS. PERFECTLY FUCKING OKAY."

"I mean you got naked white bitches all over the place. Look, look over there, there's one..." he noted pointing out actress CHRISTINA RICCI. "I CAN SEE HER TITTIES AND AIN'T NO ONE ASKING HER TO APOLOGIZE FOR SHIT!"

I AM WHITE AND NAKED AND THAT'S PERFECTLY A-OK, AMERICA!!!!

"We cain't even get that murdering bitch COURTNEY LOVE to keep her clothes on and yet...." he paused sputtering, next to some white broad named BEYONCE. "There are no boycotts. WHY? WHY? I'll tell you why: fear of a Black Tit. Goddamned right," he muttered sagely. "See, I have a dream that one day white bitches and black bitches will, together in equality, show titties on TV, at the bank, in the gas stations and along the byways and underpasses of life. This is my goddamned dream."

THE AFOREMENTIONED ARTICLE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU COURTESY OF PIMP JUICE

THE VIDEO LINE DEDICATED TO SHOWING THAT EBONY AND IVORY CAN EXIST IN GODDAMNED HARMONY

"WHAT? SHE NAKED TOO?!?! GODDAMMIT

"OH, NO, NO. IT'S OKAY. YOU SEE, I'M WHITE!!!"

Ending his Grammy reportage in a headshaking lather of outrage, CORNHOLIO was noted to be overheard muttering as he headed over to KATE MANTILINI'S with KOBE BRYANT, "I'ma going to show them Black titty, until Black titty coming outta their ass. And I ain't talkin' about that old VANESSA WILLIAMS shit either....

"I'M TALKIN' ABOUT NEW, FRESH BLACK ASS....ALL OVER SKULLGAME, FROM HERE ON OUT BABY!!!"

HEAD WOUNDS 'R' US & OTHER KIDS' TALES

A 16-year-old boy was charged with shooting his father in their southwest Harris County home Friday, Local 2 reported. The shooting was originally reported as a case of domestic abuse, but deputies said the boy apparently witnessed a sexual act between his parents and thought the father was abusing the mother. Sheriff's deputies charged the boy with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, a first-degree felony. Detectives told Local 2 the mother and father were engaged in consensual sex when the shooting occurred at about 3:30 a.m. inside the family's home on Mira Monte near Corta.

PAM & TOMMY LEE: HARDCORE & UNCENSORED

And the celeb-suck-a-thon

continues un-fucking-abated

225985

BUTTWOMAN IZ LAUREN PHOENIX

Elegant Angel

Rating: THREE "More Ass Than A Goddamned Donkey" BUSTED NUTS

Big-Booty having LAUREN PHOENIX is all about assy, ass, ass, in this Big-Booty-Having video. Also featuring the cross-brand star of SQUIRTWOMAN, the liquidy CYTHEREA this movie is all about ass, squirting and even more ass. And not necessarily in that ass-driven order.

"WHAT? I...I DON'T GET IT." LAUREN PHOENIX TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT ALL TO YOU

Wait…

No….It’s exactly in that order.

Cytherea, who incidentally is as famous for her large forehead as she is for her squirting, does an excellent job fucking, sucking and squirting her way through this PATTY O'COLLINS film produced by Elegant Angel. Great camera work along with sexy women and outstanding fucking make this movie an excellent addition to anyone’s asscentrique collection of cooze-oriented videoalia.

With the exception of one scene's audiotronic capture of ass whiffery this movie is groove-to-groove fantastic.

Also starring ANA NOVA, HOLLY STEVENS and the hot-ass, in every sense of the phrase, VICKY VETTE. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/208219.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

XXX RATED #2

Anarchy

Rating: FOUR "Get What Ya Came For" BUSTED NUTS

It’s good to crack open a new porn and know that you can sit back and enjoy it without worrying that you won’t get what you want. That, for example, when you ask for ASS FUCKING you don't, say, get ANAL AL & HIS LOCKER ROOM PALS. Well, XXX RATED #2 is one such porn. You like anal? You feel gypped if any scene in your porn doesn’t have it? Get this movie.

BRODI'S ANAL DEVIRGINIZING IS A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF HOW YOU'D PROBABLY WANT YOUR FIRST TIME ASS PLUNDERING TO GO: FOR 20 MINUTES. ON CAMERA. AFTER WHICH YOU WERE PAID. MINUS CAB FARE.

XXX Rated #2 also features some other aspects that we advocate here at SkullGame:

1) No more men than women in the video. Each scene is a one-on-one, so no extra man meat taking up camera space/screen time.

2) In a rarity of rarities, neither ERIK EVERHARD, nor MICHAEL STEFANO, nor JOHN STRONG is anywhere to be seen.

3) Scenes like BRODI’s "first-time" anal.

4) No obnoxious fake tits.

5) The anal.... Or did we mention that already? -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/221739.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ORAL CONSUMPTION #6

Anabolic

Rating: ONE "Agghhhh....I CAIN'T TAKE IT....I Just Cain't TAKE IT!!!" BUSTED NUTS

I got thinking this film could get at least FOUR out of FIVE when the "ANABOLIC" production logo came on – it rivals the THX logo for style and excitement value. Unfortunately, the film is a whhhoooolllleeee other matter….

PASS THE TEETH, OVER THE GUMS, LOOK OUT E.COLI, HERE YOU COME!!!!

ORAL CONSUMPTION #6 promises filthy whores who’ll eat anything – and that IS indeed what you get, but after some eight or nine scenes of varying-quality girls eating male ass, full-screen view of hairy nutsack all included, I really wasn’t in the mood for love. In the first scene, poor ROXY JEZEL from London is just way too cute and honest for the camera – you feel sorry for her when she starts crying from getting choked (and not with a cock, I mean literally – this AIN'T for the faint of heart). EGYPT spices things up briefly though, a real trashy whore who gets what she wants. Shame her submissive partner looks like a crack-riddled, panic-stricken Mexican pig farmer – I guess even girls like Egypt can’t be too choosy.

Next up is the worryingly young-looking MADISON… worryingly thin too… maybe her and the pig farmer were drafted in from the local needle exchange center. Even so, she eats her "slave" out of house and home, which is what we’re paying for I guess (when you see a girl do her ABC’s with two feet in her mouth, you really can say you have seen everything). To erase this from our minds however, JASMINE's scene seems to have been filmed by JAMES WOODS! The cameraman’s voice is uncannily similar; to say it put me off my stroke would be an understatement. But by now I’ve realized girls tongue-deep in guys’ assholes really isn’t my thing – I might go back to that THX-esque logo again, now that WAS excitin …

Ah, pig-farming crack addict is back – and DAMN is he in for some major punishment. The German gal domming him turns his ass into one massive handprint – comedy torture at it’s best. But just when you think you’ve laughed too much at his fear and displeasure, she finishes up with him and he actually breaks down and cries in the corner… ?!?!?!?

Is this porn, or some sort of sick reality TV show? I’d suggest skipping straight to the end and save yourself the emotional distress; bizarre barely begins to describe this shit. -- TEABAG

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/215596.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SWEET GRIND

Madness Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Your FIVE Went Down The Toilet of Bad Cover Photos" BUSTED NUTS

SWEET GRIND is sweet, indeed, despite the poor choice of photo for the cover art: APRIL and certifiable cunt-extraordinaire SUNRISE ADAMS look like they stepped out of MONSTER CHILLER HORROR THEATER and on to the cover of this DVD. The movie itself, however, is actually more sweet than it is a grind.

CHERYL DYNASTY TRYING TO HIDE FROM THE HEAT-SEEKING ASS-FUCKING THAT'S HEADING HER FUCKING WAY. FAST.

What I'm saying is, initial criticism aside, this movie was actually pretty good. Up to, and including, the third scene: a girl-on-girl scene that features the aforementioned covergirls working up a sweat in a gym, which in all likelihood exists in the corner of ANDRE MADNESS’ office in downtown Burbank. That and just about every other fucking scene in this flick have just enough of a plot to keep your girl, if you have one, glued to the TV without her feeling like a dirty jiz-encrusted street whore. And just enough fucking to keep you glued to your tool without feeling like a gay, for doing so.

So, ah, get this movie and you won't feel like a gay. Like a mincing, traipsing, flaming filet mignon manlover. OR get it because your chick, if you got one, wants to, for one single day in her goddamned life, wants to not feel like a slick smeared mattress back. A sucking, fucking machine of monetary satisfaction.

Buy it? You betcha! -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/209792.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ON HER & OFF HER, YOUR HONOR.

Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench. The explanation, investigators said, is even stranger than some imagined: the judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.

SKULLFLASH: MATT DAMON'S COCK!!! HOW DOES IT MEASURE UP AGAINST VINNIE'S: A STUDY IN CONTRASTS. PLUS: BRITNEY'S MARRIAGE HOES, WE MEAN WOES, & JENNIFER ANISTON RIMS DELIGHTFULLY!

But first another GREAT MOMENT IN LOAD-BLOWING HISTORY, brought to you by ITALIAN SAL & SKULLGAME INK.

ITALIAN SAL REMI...REMNIS...REM...FUCK IT...REMEMBERS.

It was February 8th…or 9th it depends on how you look at it. You see, the blowjob started at or around 11:50 pm...Hell you know what I mean!

First and foremost let me tell you about the first rule of -- “GREAT MOMENTS IN LOAD-BLOWING HISTORY” -- first and foremost, a load must be blown.

Secondly, and this is more a personal preference than a rule: the load should be mine. Not a requirement, like I said just a personal preference. It will go a long way to, you know, take the edge off. That being said, let's get back to Tuesday night. I went over to the house of a female friend of mine. Her friend was over and guaranteed fucking was afoot. Now, while I had fucked both of them many times before, this time was different. You see, it was late, I had trained earlier in the evening and I needed to be at work relatively early the next morning.

STEPHANIE WORKING HER WAY TOWARD HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE WHILE HER FRIEND NICOLE BONES UP ON HER AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHY BEFORE YIELDING TO THE SIREN CALL OF THE COCONUT

Fucking was the last thing on my very short list of things to be doing that night.

Getting my dick sucked, well that was entirely different. As I stated at the beginning of this treatise, the sucking started at or around 11:50 pm and continued for what seemed like an hour, with both girls (read: whores) alternating, dick, nuts, nuts, dick. You know how it is. After sneaking a look at my watch while switching channels with the remote...Did I mention I was watching TV? No? OK, I was also watching TV.

After sneaking a peak at my watch and noticing the time I felt the need to end the evening on a high coconote. I straddled one of the girl’s chests while being sucked and jacked off by the other. Noticing my quickly advancing orgasm I told the other girl to join her reclining friend for what would surely be, “A LOAD.” Which she did, and it was. A “GREAT MOMENT IN LOAD-BLOWING HISTORY,” that is. Because you see, after spraying both of their faces with enough semen to repopulate Sub-Saharan Africa, I surveyed all I had done. And knew it was good, nay, great. So great that I then told them to go take a look at themselves in the mirror, which they did giggling all the way.

AN UNFORTUNATE CASE OF TREMBLE HAND PREVENTED ME FROM GETTING BOTH SLAGS IN SIMULTANEOUS NUTTED GLORY. SO NICOLE SNAPPED STEPHANIE WHILE I SLEPT AND DREAMED THE DREAMS OF OTHER SUCH LIKE HISTORICAL FUCKERS. I MEAN FIGURES.

It was GREAT. It was a MOMENT IN. It was LOAD-BLOWING HISTORY. And I am humbled to have been a part of it.

IN THE NEWS OF THE INCREDIBLY PREDICTABLE, BRITNEY SPEARS' MARRIAGE HEADING FOR PEOPLE'S FUCKING COURT

OH MY GAWD, IT WAS HARRIBLE...HE WAS SCREAMING AT LACY LOO. OY GEWALT. AND SHE WAS SPRITZING AND IT WAS JUST A NOITMARE. JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME MY THERAPIST THINKS HE'S GAY.

FLORIDA -- (SkullGame) -- Pop Pimple BRITNEY SPEARS' marriage to "dancer" and world's luckiest non-Negro KEVIN FEDERLINE is reportedly on the rocks after less than an achingly predictable five months of watching that ass OOPS, I DID IT AGAINING the fucking pot roast right into goddamned pot roast heaven, according to two U.S. magazines.

In Touch Weekly claims Federline, 26, has been socializing on a regular basis without his shrewish doxy of a 23-year-old wife, slamming out the door in an incredible reenactment of DeNiro in RAGING BULL complete with the screaming sobriquet, WHY DON'T YOU JUST ALL GO SUCK EACH OTHERS COOOOOCCCKKKKSSSS!!! The couple wed on a fated day in September after a whirlwind romance that included making brother man sign a pre-nup.

In Touch reports a friend of the couple saying, "Kevin has suddenly started partying like a single guy. In addition to going out on several occasions without his wedding band on, he's been hanging out with his old posse of pals, flying to Las Vegas for weekends of drinking, gambling, lap dances in strip clubs, and furtively received blowjobs from Minnesotan administrative assistants."

Another magazine, Life and Style Weekly, claims Federline's behavior has prompted Spears to reconsider starting a family with the serial adulterer. Federline infamously ended his relationship with former "Moesha" actress SHAR JACKSON in April, while she was pregnant with their second child, to be with Spears.

A source tells Life and Style, "It has occurred to Britney that Kevin isn't a great help in cleaning up after the dogs [Bit Bit, Lacy Loo and Lucky]. And he might not be too eager to be on midnight diaper patrol either. The other night Britney was leaving with Kevin for a romantic meal, but Bit Bit whined and whined and refused to be left. Eventually, they stayed home and ordered takeout."

Our utmost sympathies go out to the obviously hurting Federline. Stay strong, proud prince.

JENNIFER ANISTON ENJOYING THE POST-MATRIMONIAL MAGNIFICIENCE OF A WELL-CRAFTED RIM JOB COURTESY OF JACKASS'S JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, ANONYMOUS SOURCES NAMED JOHNNY KNOXVILLE SAY

I'M READY FOR MY ASS-UP, MR. KNOXVILLE

SKULLFLASH: BRAD PITT'S a nice, possibly non-gay fella. Mr. Pitt is also apparently more fond of APRIL FLORIO than he is of either APRIL FLORIO's or JENNIFER ANISTON'S ANUS. So our confidential sources at what used to be BIG BROTHER magazine said...

ENTER....JOHNNY KNOXVILLE. Whether doing it or having it done, Knoxville is a certifiable Ass Eater and wasted no time at all in giving the Friend's star, the friendly treatment. Especially if by which you mean a tongue up the keisterhole.

"WHY FOR BRAD-Y DON' TASTE MY ROUND EYE?? WHY?!?! WHY?!?!" WE DON'T KNOW, APRIL. WE JUST DON'T KNOW

JENNIFER, the story continues, was more than happy to reciprocate in a loving expression of a love that will last until the movie they're working on together ends.

MATT DAMON VS. VINNIE ROSE...IN...COCKFIGHT!!!

The benefit of fucking whoas, and by this we mean skanks, sluts, tricks, marks, ho's, hoes, hos and beeyatches is that you get the collected benefits of knowing about all the busters, and by this we mean mooks, flip flops and hoolihoos, that THEY themselves have banged. Given the celeb environs in which we travel and the high quality ho-age upon which we stake our claims we have now done comparative studies of MATT DAMON, MATT DILLON, NICK CAVE and TOMMY LEE and how exactly they measure up against our own VINNIE ROSE.

But because we want to introduce a gaming aspect into this all we will do it like this: give them pro's, con's, and let the fucking voting begin.

MATT DAMON:

IT'S NOT THE SIZE THAT MATTERS, THILLY!!!!

Head of Furious Homosexual Films, suspect "friend" of BEN AFFLECK, and "action" movie star.
PRO'S: Rich. Very, very goddamned rich.
CON'S: A dirty cocksucking motherfucker who doesn't wash his balls. And is not nice besides to the working girl.

SMART MONEY: Does he act like a short-dicked motherfucker? [ex.: HENRY ROLLINS].

VINNIE ROSE:

NO, NO, NOPE. NOT AT ALL.

Head of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME and known associate of good fella ITALIAN SAL
PRO'S: Can fight like a motherfucker.
CON'S: Will fight like a motherfucker.

SMART MONEY: Ask any tuna you happen to see, who's got the biggest dick? V-I-N-I-E! [It's called poetic license beeyatch!]

BETS PLEASE!!! PLACE YOUR BETS PLEASE!!!!

RESULTS ON FUCKING MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SKULLGAME STARES IN SHOCK AS IT IS FIRST TIME REVEALED: PROSTITUTES WANT TO BE PAID! IN CASH. PLUS MADONNA STILL SUCKS & SO DOES CHLOE SEVIGNY. VINCENT GALLO'S SMALLISH COCK, TO BE EXACT.

But FIRST...this stunning confession of near-homosexuality by SkullGame's own ITALIAN SAL...sent in a private personal email to VINNIE ROSE and hereby being reproduced for your viewing pleasure, our amusement and Sal's deeply eternal regret.

Dear Vinnie...I have recently found myself in the very enviable position of having two girls who I, for all intents and purposes, live with, and can fuck pretty much whenever I want. The catch being I have to fuck them both equally. Sounds like a dream come true right? Wrong. Being a relatively serious athlete, I train about five days a week, so what sounds great at 9 A.M. vis a vis “I am going to fuck you both tonight” after a tough Jiu-Jitsu class becomes “I have a cramp in my leg, can we do this some other time?”

"Now, do you play it jaded? Or, do you go the honest route and say: “I only got so much testosterone and I just so happen to have left it on the mats.” I know, I know...what you would give to have my problems, right? Wrong! I am very quickly sliding down the slippery slope of rumored homosexuality. Not a slope you want to slide down ass first. Trust me, if you want to trade places with me right now we...Wait forget I said that, I am quite content with this “problem.” Now excuse me while I go fuck these two broads…right after Jiu-Jitsu practice….And please, mention this to no one."

OSCAR SEASON IS UPON US AS CHLOE SEVIGNY HOPES TO SECURE A SUCKCESSFUL SPOT IN CINEMA HISTORY BY BEING THE FIRST NON-SLUT TO ACT LIKE A SLUT IN SUCKING AN ACTUAL COCK FOR PAY. ON SCREEN. FOR OUR VIEWING AMUSEMENT

SHE'S GOT TWO FINGERS ON GALLO'S COCK, TWO ON HIS BALLS AND ABOUT TWO INCHES SHOWING. YOU DO THE MATH.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- As the OSCAR fever catches on like the flavor of a Pringle, a tense vigil ensues at the home of VINCENT GALLO, the controversial director, actor, musician, artist, writer, photographer, republican, self-promoting, self-abnegating, self-flagellating impresario. He, and his erstwhile co-penis, wait to have their home sex vid validated with a special lifetime achievement award.

The sex vid, entitled BROWN BUNNY, is about his penis' star turn inside CHLOE SEVIGNY's mouth. Widely panned by such critics as ROGER EBERT, which caused Gallo to curse him with cancer, BROWN BUNNY documents such inside-the-mouth hijinx that are common cause with SkullGame. In a recent interview with Gallo he noted "not ever, not even a single time has a penis ever won for anything. That's not counting TIMOTHY HUTTON for ORDINARY PEOPLE. Mine shall be the first."

Sure. Sure it will.

CRAZY SLUT MADONNA, NOW CRAZY & DANGEROUS; A NATION BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF THAT SHE DON'T LIVE HERE NO MORE

"HAI YAH!!! CHOLLY CHONG, BUSHONG!!!" MADONNA IN HER KA-RATE UNIFORM

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Superslut, religious zealot and lurching lunatic MADONNA, for whom Scientology was not enough, is following in her career-less husband GUY RITCHIE's footsteps, by taking up karate.

Hai YAY!

The British director is a black belt in the martial art of slapping the air and shouting chinee words out loud and has long encouraged his famous wife to join in during practice sessions of air-slapping and fake chinee talk.

A friend says, "Madonna has been taking her classes very seriously. She slaps. She screams. She screams and slaps. And says some shit in Chinee talk and then she bows. Guy is into karate and Madonna's daughter Lourdes has taken classes. So I guess it's a congenital disease or something.

"In the past, Madonna has worried about being bruised before videos or photoshoots but she hasn't got any planned at the moment. Because, well, because mostly the world doesn't care anymore."

BIG-TITTIED SAMANTHA SKULLGAMES IT IN STYLE IN A GAME OF 20 QUESTIONS

SAMANTHA MAKES A POINT THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS HOW

Some days you feel like a nut. Some days you don't. And some days you feel like TESCO VEE insofar as you might share his penchant for some good ol' ribs, chicken and wafflesesque bitchery. You know the kind we mean. The kind that live only in Texas. The kind for which you might get hungry but you ain't never going to starve. Yes, yes, I believe the more unenlightened members of the community might call them Big Beautiful Women (BBW), but here at SkullGame we just call them Thems What Gots Big Giant Titties!

Ladies and Gents, meet SAMANTHA.

SkullGame: How old are you?

SAMANTHA 38G: 36. I don't lie about my age. Because I look GOOD for 36.

SG: Yeah, yeah, sure you do. How was that working for the BANG BROTHERS?

S38G: Never again. My call time was 9 A.M. They kept me waiting all day. Dragged me to some woman's baby shower in the middle of the shoot. So I'm there with all of these women who were just hating me because they knew why I was there. And then back to the hotel with no food and then the male talent shows up and by the time I get out of make up and they're all ready to shoot it's almost midnight. So perfect. Except the male talent couldn't get it up. I was so angry I started screaming at him...

SG: And I'm sure that helped.

IF THIS AIN'T GONNA HELP, NEITHER'S NO FLUFFER

S38G: ...Hey I was tired. He was asking if we had a fluffer girl or something. Then the director started making fun of him....and it was just noooo fun. But anyway I ...

SG: Could I fuck your tits?

S38G: What? Is this part of the interview?

SG: It is NOW.

S38G: Well yeah you can fuck them. You can even come on them. But you just can't come on my face. I hate that. I think it's degrading. Which is why I'll never do another porn again. I got 10 out there now and that's enough. But the BANG BROS talk soooooo bad about women it just makes me mad. And I will tell someone right out...

SG: You're from Texas, right? Did you vote for Bush?

S38G: I sure did.

SG: What the fuck? Why? He's trying to take away our porn. We just want to set the porn man free!!! And he wants to jail us...why? WHHHHYYYYYY?

S38G: Because repression is good for the sex business.

SG: Jesus Christ. Point well taken. Could you repress my cock right about now? I mean to help make me feel a little bit better about the elections and all?

S38G: Only if you mention my website.

SG: Deal.

[Fucking and sucking ensues]

SG: Samantha has a website, y'all. Hahahaha. Thank you very much, America!!!

OUR COUNTRY OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...CANADA!

Despite harsh US protests, a government clinic will doll out free heroin to hardcore addicts after it opens today, a stone's throw from the US border. The clinic in Vancouver will test, for the first in North America, whether prescribing heroin can cut overdoses, HIV and hepatitis infections, and reduce hardcore junkies' dependence on crime to obtain the drug. Several European countries have run similar studies, but the clinic's proximity, 37 kilometres (23 miles) to the United States, has made Canada's trial especially controversial. Officials at the US White House anti-drug office have called it unethical and an "inhumane medical experiment." Others, however, hope the clinic will help desperate addicts free themselves from lives of crime.

TOM BYRON'S LORD OF THE ASSES

Evolution Erotica

Rating: TWO "So, How About Those [Insert Random Sports Team Here]?" BUSTED NUTS

TOM BYRON.

This motherfucker is like OPIE from the ANDY GRIFFITH show. We feel this weird sense of ownership about him as he virtually grew up on film and in front of our eyes as it was. I mean WHO can forget his star turn as the "KID" boning TRACI LORDS and CHRISTY CANYON stageside in NEW WAVE HOOKERS or HOLLY DOES HOLLYWOOD, respectively. So then you know why it pains us to say that this flick was kind of on the average tip.

TOM BYRON AS LORD OF THE ASS: THE EARLY YEARS

Which means: It’s worth keeping around in case you want to get a chick in the mood but aren’t quite sure if she is down with the midget porn.

But for the most part it’s your classic story. Boy meets girl, boy takes girl home, boy uses girl's ass as a cum sock. Simple. Plain. Like so many of our Friday nights over here. But aside from some mild throat fucking, good facial glazing, and a few good ATMs this is nothing to write home to Mom about. Something to jerk off to? Yes. But something to write home to Mom about? No. Unless you're writing to Mom about jerking off and then it's a different story.

TOM BYRON AS LORD OF THE ASS NOW: FUUUCCCKKK YOU...

So not so much of a case of How Low The Mighty Have Fallen: no one can take away all the thousands of supra-par hoes that Tom has put away like so many pockets of loose change. But definitely much more the case of: I got nothing to prove to the likes such as you. And he doesn't. -- HABIB

Buy It NOW!

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THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT JACK #33

West Coast Productions

Rating: FIVE "Jack Is Back" BUSTED NUTS

There IS something about Jack and that something is about 12 inches long and the Jack in question is none other then Mr. Tripod himself, JACK NAPIER. Long after the CAMERON DIAZ movie that inspired the title is forgotten, Jack will be surprising the fuck out of girl after girl as he fucks one white bitch after another in this, the 33rd installment of West Coast’s most popular and well-made series. Never being one to complain about the SOMETHING ABOUT JACK series, I ain't going to start now? I like the series. I liked this movie. 'Nuf said.

YUP...THERE'S SOMETHING THERE ALRIGHT...BUT WHAT IT IS I DON'T KNOW...I MEAN I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT...

I suggest you watch this movie with your favorite white woman, one who is not your Mom or your Sister (unless you are in one of our many wonderful southern states and then it's just largely the fuck up to you). Kick back, relax, and watch Mr. Jackie N. do some heavy drilling in the pie patch while the drilled pies look like they're discovering dick for the first time. Which to think about it, they are. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/224512.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

INTERRACIAL SEX SHOOTER #4

West Coast Productions

Rating: TWO "The Cock Bone Is Connected To The Ass Bone" BUSTED NUTS

Bang. Bang.
Who's there?
Alexander De Voe.
Alexander De Voe who?
I don't know, jerkoff, but the point is this: Alexander De Voe's fourth attempt shows his aim still sucks.

The target?

Well, the cover says it all: White girls.

WHICH RAISES AN INTERESTING CONUNDUM, AH...CUNNUNDRUM...AH, CONANDRUM...AH FUCK IT, CONDOM. THIS RAISES AN INTERESTING CONDOM: WHICH SIDE OF THE BLACK/WHITE DIVIDE DO CHINEE FOLKS FALL?

Yup, white girls. Black dicks. Black girls. White dicks. Phew! You might want to take a few minutes to get your head around that concept.

All the way through this flick you get the feeling everything was done on the cheap, not cheap like that video I saw of your mother/sister/daughter and that dog, but cheap like the Ecstasy you get in England (Bi carb, amphetamines, aspirin, brick dust). Low quality. This film is just like the Ecstasy, enjoyable to a point, but once the puking starts you want out.

There must be at least 20 minutes wasted on showing people wandering around, behind shower curtains, in darkened rooms and so on. People walk through clouds of dry ice, there are pentagrams painted on the wall, this is all fine in The Osbournes. There's a time and a place for everything, and this is just not the place for "story". It IS the time AND the place to see LILY THAI going at it hammer and tongs, which just about justifies a purchase. She impales herself upon the good ship MANDINGO with truly heart warming enthusiasm. Repeatedly.

So whilst this isn't a totally failed attempt--it does exactly what it says on the box--it's just not very good. -- ENGLISH BOB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/215726.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JUSTIN SLAYER'S JUST FUCKIN'

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "Aggggggghhhhhhhh, FUCK!!!" BUSTED NUTS

I’ve never seen an Evil Angel film before, but if this is anything to go by, I wanna see more of this shit. JUSTIN SLAYER is a good-looking black dude with a cock the size of a small country, and fuck does he put it to good use. In every single scene. With unbelievably gorgeous girls. In short, he is an asshole and I hate him.

AND FOR OUR NEXT DUET WE'RE GOING TO DO A TUNE CALLED....COCONUTS!!!

STACY SILVER is first up – a deeply tanned Barbie doll whose body has just been custom-built for filth. The amount of teasing she does was almost enough to finish me off barely EIGHT minutes in, but when I saw what Justin was about to pummel her with I just about held on. Suffice to say, even some immense pussy farts didn’t ruin the moment. And neither did the appearance of SANDRA ROMAIN, yet another incredible hardbody with an ass that defies the laws of physics. And shit, does it get a workout – I’m surprised Justin’s cock didn’t come out of her mouth when he’s riding her. Like a motherfucker.

After, ANGEL DARK's looks match up nicely to Stacy and Sandra, things go awry with LENNY POWERS – sure you wouldn’t say no, but the bar has been raised here folks, and Lenny ain’t reaching it. I mean what kind of a name is Lenny anyway? Her admittedly awesome body is ruined by a face that looks like Jackie Stallone got ahold of it with her make-up trowel. In the dark. With her feet. Still, she takes Justin all the way and that deserves respect.

When we reach the final scene and DORA, LAURA and LIZ step out onto the European-style apartment balcony, we know we’re in for fun. Two non-English speaking chicks and an American dirtbag, all for Justin? It verges on the unnecessary – the bastard doesn’t deserve it this good! Well okay, he brings two friends along, but that ain’t helping my fucking plight here is it? No guy deserves girls this hot and horny… outrageous.

Top shit here, make no mistake – great girls being fucked like wild animals, what more can you ask for assholes?! -- TEABAG

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/223566.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

LATIN BOOTY TALK #2

West Coast Productions

Rating: FOUR "Oye Mi Canto" BUSTED NUTS

"One was so good, we just HAVE to make Two!!!" Is that what the makers of BOOTY TALK #1 through, what is it now? 57, 58? (Who could keep up?) Is that what the fuck they thought?

OLIVIA O'LOVELY PROFFERING HER PROTUBERANCES FOR A HEALTHY HEAPING LOAD OF, UM, LOAD!

Anyhow, beating a live horse strategies aside, West Coast has put together some juicy ass Mexicana’s for this second try at the new and successful LATIN BOOTY TALK series. And this one is good, so goddamned good.

How good?

Well, it’s like walking through Tijuana with an Erection and your checkbook, which is, incidentally, exactly how it was filmed. Beautiful women, hot fucking and broken English is what makes this movie a must see. For all you fans (and you know you're out there) of cross-border cooze, this one is not only a must see, it's a must have. Well that and some smelling salts as I nearly jerked myself into unconsciousness with this movie. I suggest you buy this one, grab your Chimichanga or your burrito or your chalupa or whatever the fuck you call your dick and handle the business of handling business.

Get it? Good going, Pepito. -- ITALIAN SAL

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/222788.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

WHAT DADDY DOESN'T KNOW #2

Anarchy

Rating: FOUR "Lay The Tile, Then The Pipe, Then Run" BUSTED NUTS

Never in the history of recorded fornication has there been more action had over some common kitchen tile as there is in WHAT DADDY DOESN’T KNOW #2. The beefy, studly European guy in the scene gets laid by two separate high school girls in as many occasions because of his tile laying prowess – or lack thereof.

WHAT DADDY DOESN'T KNOW? HMMM...THAT BRODI IS ABOUT TO FALL ON THAT PENCIL? REPEATEDLY?

Why doesn’t John Madden tell us about shit like this in the Ace Hardware ads? Back to the drawing board, dudes.

The good pussy had is not limited to the tile aisle, either. KAT’s in this pic, and bless her as long as she can take a solid ass fucking and there’s a camera to document it. Mini-skirts with no undies on petite Asian-looking girls with pre-gaped assholes are rad.

And so’s this DVD. -- STEELY ROB

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/228500.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE PRIVATE STORY OF MIA STONE #1

Private

Rating: TWO "So, Ah, Vinnie...How's Your Mother? Good. Good. Tell Her I Say Hi" BUSTED NUTS

THE PRIVATE STORY OF MIA STONE consists of, guess who, getting fucked, fucked, fucked, and well, fucked again. Yup. Her. MIA STONE. Getting fucked. Again and again. And again. Jesus. It's like being married to her. Anyways on the box front it says like so

"beautiful...
horny...
explosive!"

WELCOME TO FOREVER!

Like a bomb. Or a venereal disease. Or a concept that's as cross-headed as it is wrong. You see, those of us who also watch porn for business, as well as pleasure, like it because it doesn't exactly DUPLICATE the lives we lead, which are frequently full of having to repeatedly pork the same hole day in and day out. Like it was a job. Like it was a fucking job. So into about the 140th fucking minute of seeing All Mia All the Time, well we feel like cheating on her by watching some other porn. Preferably one with more than ONE ho in it.

Anyways, it all ties up with the climactic surprise ending of Ms. STONE...receiving a...gigantic payload of liquid kids across her face. In between all of that is PRIVATE’s usual Vivid-esque soft-core Spank-O-Vision, a far cry from their early gonzo-esque strivings, that you and the little ol’ lady can snuggle up together and watch while waiting to die.

I hope I didn’t ruin the ending for you. -- HABIB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/215955.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

RACE MIXING, WHORE MONGERING MOTHERFUCKERS NEED NOT APPLY FOR OUR VALUABLE WHITE PEOPLE JOBS

A high-profile white supremacist record company appears to have gone out of business after one co-owner accused the other of having a Hispanic mother. Panzerfaust was behind Project Schoolyard USA, which last year distributed thousands of free compact discs to teenagers across the country. The company is now, it appears dormant, with its Web address directing views to another white power site called "Free Your Mind." The Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups, reports that co-owners Byron Calvert, 33, and Anthony A. Pierpont, 38, had a falling out after Calvert saw a copy of Pierpont's birth certificate. The document, which is posted on the center's Web site, indicates that Pierpont's mother was named Maria Marcola del Prado. Also, Calvert claimed in an online posting that Pierpont had sex with Thai prostitutes.

DON'T MAKE US ANGRY, MR. MC GEE. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE US WHEN WE'RE ANGRY: SKULLGAME'S SPORTS SPECTACULAR WITH SUPERBOWL COVERAGE, FRONT ROW ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP ACTION & TIGER WOODS' HOT SLUT OF A WIFE SOON TO BE PREGNANT SLUT OF A WIFE.

Brought to you by PISSING COP ENTERPRISES. Because If It Ain't A Pissing Cop? It Ain't Worth A Shit!

WHEN YOU HAVE A PISSING COP...

YOU GOT THE WORLD BY THE BALLS. AND AN ELEVATOR THAT SMELLS LIKE...VICTORY.

EMMITT SMITH CRIES LIKE A BABY AT SUPERBOWL PRESS CONFERENCE WHEREIN HE MOURNS ALL THE GOOD PUSSY HE'S RETIRING FROM FUCKING

"AND...AND...I'LL...I'M CHOKED UP HERE...BUT I'M GONNA MISS THE MANY HO'S IN THE MANY AREA CODES THAT I HAD GROWN INCREASINGLY ACCUSTOMED TO BANGING WITH RELATIVE IMPUNITY ON ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. THIS IS TRULY A GREAT AND DEVASTATING AMERICAN TRAGEDY."

JACKSONVILLE (SkullGame) -- Emmitt Smith, the NFL's all-time rushing leader, announced his retirement in Jacksonville on Thursday. Smith spent 13 seasons with the Dallas Cowboys, who he helped to Super Bowl wins in 1992, 1993 and 1995, two years with the Arizona Cardinals, and 3567 nights with strange road skank, as is the wont of every NFL great who is not TERRELL OWENS, STEVE YOUNG, JEFF GARCIA or DAVID KOPAY.

The 35-year-old, an eight-time Pro-Bowler, amassed 18,355 yards on 4,409 carries with 164 touchdowns, as well as 2794 consecutive nights of easily racked coitus.

An emotional Smith went on to thank an impressive list that included former team-mates, trainers, companies, friends, family and random sports sluts.

"I also want to thank the players I competed against," he added. "Without competition, I don't think I would have strived to become the Wilt Chamberlain-esque man I've been off court."

When reminded that football is played on a field and not a court, Smith clarified, "whatever."

THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP: ITALIAN SAL INTERVIEWS A RING GIRL

ESPECIALLY IF BY INTERVIEW YOU MEAN ASKING A FEW QUESTIONS...ABOUT HER ASS.

ITALIAN SAL: Here we are in the beautiful Mandalay Bay Arena with RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER. How you doing?

RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER: Oh, I'm tired. I've been up for two days. Doing shows and traveling and...

IS: I love you...

R-A-W: Hahahah...what?!?!

IS: ...with a love that can only be expressed through song...

R-A-W: Oh...my...God...

IS: I know, baby, I know....love is like that. You know...

R-A-W: ...there's BAS RUTTEN!!! Look, I'll be back.

IS:...a lesbian ladies and gentlemen. A lesbian.

A SCIENTIFIC SKULLGAME SPORTS STUDY: PUSSY'S GOOD. UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANS TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN FUCK IT.

A RECENT INSTITUTE STUDY HAS FOUND THAT A WHOPPING 69 PERCENT OF PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES AGREE, "GAMES ARE FUN, BUT PUSSY IS FLEETING. WE'LL TAKE THE PUSSY!!!"

Due to a recently received sports medicine grant, offered to the fraudulently created SG International Global Inc., we here at SKULLGAME have undertaken to protect ourselves from possible future prosecution by actually printing the results of our findings in the hope that it might help aspiring athletes avoid the pitfalls that have claimed some of the sports world's greatest. And to keep us from getting popped on a Bunco rap. So with no further ado.

SG International Global Inc.'s Sports Study On Sex And The Loser Athlete

FIRST CASE: TIGER WOODS

HAVE YOU SEEN ME? AT THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD? AT ALL? ANYTIME THIS YEAR? I DIDN'T THINK SO. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'VE GOT TO SEE A SWEDE ABOUT A SAUSAGE

An interesting case indeed. TIGER WOODS was on course to be one, if not THE most dominating player the game of golf (not technically a sport because you see a sport is an endeavor where it is not possible to be beaten by a 13-year old girl, unless you are a 13-year old girl, but why quibble?) has ever seen. Until he met the woman who is now his fiancee, ELIN NORDEGREN. Not only is she Swedish, which means from Sweden, a country known for amongst other things rolling ass up for the Nazis and meatballs. She is also a nude figure model.

ELIN NORDEGREN PLANNING ON HOW BEST TO DESTROY TIGER WOODS BEFORE DECIDING ON: PUSSY

Case closed.

SECOND CASE: PETE SAMPRAS

WINNER!!!

We don't really know too much about tennis. Is it a sport? Is it an exercise? We strongly suspect some sort of GAY component but of this we are not sure. In any case PETE SAMPRAS was like THE BEST at it. Especially if by IT you mean skipping around a clay court grunting and whatnot. No matter. He was the best. And then he met "actress" BRIDGETTE WILSON.

NOT ANYMORE. SAMPRAS UNDER THE WATCHFUL AND BALEFUL GLARE OF THE SHE-BEAST WHO CONTROLS HIS EVERY WAKING MOMENT

And then his face became the face of those that envy the dead.

CASE C: ANDY RODDICK

RODDICK STARING INTO THE YAWNING AND GRAYING VOID OF HIS FUTURE

Another tennis player. Another "actress", this one named MANDY MOORE. Maybe it's the effeteness of the sport that breeds a lesser man. Maybe it's the tight white shorts and socks. Maybe since the juiced up, coked out Irishman JOHNNY MAC left the game it's been largely felt to be a safe haven for men who want to lose. We do not know this as it sits beyond the cost parameters of this study. However we do know this: Andy might as well start telling people his last name is GIBB because he is dead.

SUMMARY: Tennis is gay and golf isn't much better.

THE A-LINE

Ride it allllll the way to the

goddamned END, baby.

209259

IN MY COUNTRY IT IS CUSTOMARY TO...

YO VINNIE,
My new Costa Rican boyfriend, who I'll call MIKE, has a friend come in from out of town (Westchester), once every few weeks. She sleeps over his place in the same bed because they like to cuddle. Now I know what you're thinking but I asked already and I believe him when he says they're not having sex, but am I being a total bitch for telling him like I just did that it makes me uncomfortable? -- F. Moskowitz (by email)

CUDDLING, COSTA RICAN STYLE: THE LOVING COUPLE ENJOYING A BILL CLINTON MINUTE OF INFAMY THAT IS LARGELY DEPENDENT ON WHAT YOUR DEFINITION OF IS IS.

Dear Where Have You Been All My Life: Yes, yes. I understand that it makes you uncomfortable, babe. I understand because it makes ME uncomfortable too because, largely, I am used to the world NOT understanding about my charitable impulses. But with your great understanding of the kind of charity work that I do, that I MUST do, I know that this relationship will really work. Really. So were you being a bitch when you told me it made you uncomfortable when Frances stayed at my place? Yes. Yes, you were.

Do I forgive you?

Yes. Yes, I do. Because the kind of understanding that pays for a weeklong vacation in Cancun for Frances and myself to sort of, you know, recover from this terrible misunderstanding, is the kind of understanding I want to keep around for awhile.

ALL DAT AZZ#17

West Coast Productions

Rating: TWO "Heil Hitler!!!" BUSTED NUTS

Achtung Perverts…..vat zee hell?? I vant to vatch videos of beautiful Aryans, naked and frolicking. I don’t vant to see disgusting black monkeys jumping all over each other making monkey sounds and making zee monkey smells. So vhy do zee degenerates at SkullGame keep giving me this Scheiße???

WHAT?!? YOU LET THAT MOTHERFUCKING NAZI REVIEW OUR FLICKS AGAIN?!?! OHH, THAT'S YOUR ASS, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! PREPARE TO MEET MR. SHANK.

So here vee go….ALL DAT AZZ #17.

This bideo begins with two females of this subspecies; with disgustingly enormous gluteus maxims’ playing zee normally Nazi approved game of zee Volley Ball. Usually black mud people are very good at playing simple child games that involve zee balls. However, these apes can’t play worth a Jew’s life in Dachau. So they can’t play, then one fall down and gets hurt. She probably was injured so easy because of lack of vitamins because she iz eating zee chicken all day and no vegetables. So then they start to take off their size 20 thong underwear’s and lick each other’s swamp areas.

I was about to swallow a cyanide capsule, vhen all of zee sudden dis very strapping dark-skinned man came into zee room to rescue us viewers. He unleashed his massive black schnitzel and tamed these fat, black beasts. Jah….it vas good……

Anyvay, I didn’t get past that, but I’ll still give dis bideo two Jews in the flames…..ZEIG HEIL!!! -- HEINRICH BIMMLER

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/200744.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BABY DOLLS GET VIOLATED

Baby Dolls Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Is This The Guy Who Did 'World's Scariest Police Chases?'" BUSTED NUTS

Reading this box title at first I was led to the assumption that I was about to watch porn’s equivalent of “When Animals Attack,” a movie I was, and am still, eager to watch. This movie, however, is a bit of BABY DOLLS BETRAYED wherein the Baby Dolls, in this case to be read as “Whores”, get lied to and screwed over and then fuck anyone and everyone in a bid to get back at their erstwhile significant others.

THE VAGUELY REESE WITHERSPOONESQUE COLE CONNERS ABOUT TO COLLECT A LAPFUL OF LOADS....FOR CHARITY. AND STUFF.

In this film however the Baby Dolls, read “Whores”, not only get lied to and screwed over, but ALSO fucked in the ass, hence, the whole “Get Violated” thing. Featuring the very sexy up and coming squirt queen TIANNA LYNN, as well as very sexy big-tittied COLE CONNERS, this movie is another serving of the Baby Doll variety of Vanilla with just a hint of sprinkles, in this case read as, “Ass Fucking.”

So, initial Fox confusion aside, I enjoyed it and I think you will too, you know, more than just for the crap-covered sausage sprinklings. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/224526.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JULES JORDAN'S INVASIAN!

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "You Say Ho's, I Say Hoes" BUSTED NUTS

This one's been out a minute and the online consensus -- at least, among the pillars of society that volunteer such information -- is that it's the Holy Grail of Asian-themed DVD porn.

Now, I wouldn't say INVASIAN is radically different from other grunt flicks starring the same hoes -- familiar faces like LUCI THAI and SABRINE MAUI -- but, with JULES JORDAN at the helm, it does the basics better.
Like VINNIE ROSE plowing into a grossly obese chick, it does 'em with feeling.

EXPERTS AGREE: CRIS TALIANA INVITES THE CONTEMPLATION OF ALL MANNER OF FELONY!!!

Those basics include:

1. Casting hot bitches like CHARMANE STAR.
2. Putting said bitches in costumes you'd pause to say something gay about like, "Yeah, nice stockings" or "Welcome to the metal wing, that'd look great with a Viking helmet" before pulling 'em off.
3. Crawling on the floor with the camera to get optimum angles for tease footage.
4. Having ROSE squirt all over her own face.
5. Jumbo loading a 2nd disc with extras you'll never watch but it's nice to have them there.
6. Facial pops that are treated with the reverence and respect they deserve.
7. Poo-stabbing.

It also helps to cast CRIS TALIANA and team her up with NAUTICA THORN and
NAUTICA THORN'S ever-present shaving rash. Though both bitches seem subdued here compared to other times I've seen 'em. And certainly compared to ROSE'S glistening pee-face.

Best performance is SABRINE impaling her ass on LEXINGTON STEELE'S horse-cock. Then repeatedly sucking off the ass-slick. Like it was chocolate sauce.

Which it ain't. -- MR XTRA

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/135982.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE PRIVATE LIFE OF JESSICA MAY

Private

Rating: TWO "Upstaged By My Spitty Fist" BUSTED NUTS

What the fuck?

If they made a movie, "The Private Life of YOZA," first of all, that would be tha' shit. Second, it would probably have me, the star of the flick, doing a bunch of private shit. Like, um, taking a dump. Or, kiestering a bag of shrooms into Goa. Or, like, fucking doing my laundry, or making a grilled cheese or something. Maybe some comedy, like me sucking the middle out of Gor's chocolate cherries that his mom gave him at Christmas and filling them back up with dick snot.

WHY FOR NO YOZA LIKE ME NOT? BREASTS MY? WELL, HIM FUCK, THEN!!!

But what it wouldn't be is just a totally lame fucking interview, with this receptacle talking in an accent so thick that it sounds like she may be actually speaking Czech or whatever it is, followed by clips from her movies, not really ANYTHING ABOUT HER PRIVATE LIFE at all. I mean, doing an interview with this chick is like asking Christopher Reeve to do an interpretive dance. Fucking pointless. And the dude spinning the questions sounds like he has a Saab up his ass. So what they should have called this thing is "The public image we want to project of Jessica May," or even better, "Lame unintelligible interview and clip-ad for this marginal whore whose name is almost certainly NOT Jessica May."

AND FURTHERMORE, the totally lame pretense of this poopsicle aside, this chick Jessica is pretty much entry-level coochie. Her face is sorta cute, but she's got titties that barely register and one of the raspiest dustholes for a slampit that I've ever seen on DVD. What does she do to prepare for fucking, douche with the dust out of the vacuum cleaner bag? She's just sorta...boring. Like every scene that wasn't a one-on-one, I was looking at whatever talent there was. Shit, I was even checking out the dudes a little. Not in a gay way, just, fucking BORED! Like if they were doing the YOZA movie, if I, like, was surfing and right fucking next to me hopping in on my patch, was Laird; and dropping in was, like, Kelly. No one would even see me there, they'd be all, "I wish that fucking cruncher would drop off so I can check out Laird and Kelly."

That's pretty much how I was, except for I was all 32x with the fast forward, except for this one orgy scene where there was this redhead who looked like she was made out of candy and this nasty, nasty little elf that kinda looked like that chick CHRISTINA RICCI did before the corndog OD. She was getting double stuffed and there was coochie juice pouring out all over the place, dripping off her legs and shit. THAT'S who they should have made the movie about. Not that busted slag Jessica May. The most telling point is, after that little firecrotch got me all revved, when I blasted, I looked away from the screen with Jessica licking her own poop-juice offa some dude's fingers to look down at my own fucking hand jerking the seeds out of my joint. If that isn't the definition of bored, I don't know what is. -- YOZA

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THE DOGG RAPE CONTINUES AS SNOOP SEX FLAP BULLSHIT FLARES WHILE CUNTILICIOUS KELLY BROOK GETS GANGSHANKED TO HER BOYFRIEND'S MEWLS OF PROTESTATION IN SKULLGAME'S PAEAN TO PUSSY UNDER PRESSURE

But first this...a heart-warming tale of one man's journey into making some kid's christmas a little happier this year...a mini-interview with ITALIAN SAL. Concerned citizen, charitable giver and now...toy designer!!!

SKULLGAME: So, ah, toy design, eh?

ITALIAN SAL: Yes. It just seemed like it was time. Time, that is, to bring the world a little bit of my world vis a vis my new urban collection.

SG: So what do you have? It looks like a little doll. But what are those marks?

IS: Those are track marks, VINNIE. You see, MY LITTLE JUNKIE keeps pace with what kids want these days...what everybody seems to want these days: REALITY toy design.

MY LITTLE PROTOTYPE OF MY LITTLE JUNKIE

SG: Well does she do anything?

IS: You mean outside of stealing shit, turning tricks, getting busted by Malibu Ken Cop Fag, and sleeping until noon?

SG: Yes.

IS: No.

NOT TO BE OUTDONE CORNHOLIO HAS REQUESTED THAT WE MENTION HIS NEW PIMP-O-LEE LINE OF DELICIOUS, NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST FOODS

AND NOW WE HAVE.

SNOOP DOGG DOESN'T HUMP PILE HOOCHIE. HE DOESN'T THINK.

OH MAN. THEY A BITCH TO HOUSE BREAK TOO...

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- A woman, whom normal and gainful employ has eluded, and whom SNOOP DOGG has accused of trying to extort $5 million in food stamps from him, is now suing the rapper for a sexual assault that he apparently promised her and failed to deliver on.

In papers filed on Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, the woman claims that after a January 2003 taping of late-night talk show "Jimmy Kimmel Live," Snoop Dogg -- real name Calvin Broadus -- and several associates promised to rape her in his dressing room.

She alleges when she was drinking and drugging she had been led to believe she would also be sexually assaulted by Snoop, 32, and four other men. The suit names Broadus, TV network ABC, comedian JIMMY KIMMEL's show and ABC's parent company, the Walt Disney Company as defendants and seeks $25 million in damages.

Snoop Dogg sued the accuser in December, accusing her of trying to extort $5 million from him to keep her allegations secret. He is now, in the interest of justice, making court motions to deliver on aforementioned hog polling. With video cameras and unpaid cab rides "the fuck outta here," after the gangshag is concluded. A ruling is expected next Monday.

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!!!!

TOTALLY RIPPING FUCKING PIECE OF ASS STUCK WITH PRICK NAMED BILLY "I AM A FAG WHO WANTS TO RUIN EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD" ZANE

NOTE TO KELLY BROOKS: BILLY ZANE IS A COCK-BLOCKING WITHOLDING MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

-- SIGNED, AMERICA

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Actor BILLY ZANE has lost his battle with movie-makers after demanding his girlfriend KELLY BROOK's naked scenes be cut from their latest film, "Three." Although the British banghole's original contract stipulated she would bare all in several fucking jiz-driven nude scenes, Zane took action to have them restricted, according to the New York Post. Because, according to CARMINE ROSE, "he's a total Jew fag."

When it was pointed out that Zane was not in fact Jewish, Carmine was overheard to mutter, "so?"

In any case the couple fell into a cock-sucking, ass-jamming lust that they chose to call love on the set of the forthcoming movie about, leastways as we can make out, her tits and ass -- in which they both star -- last summer.

A source says, "At first Kelly and Billy were fine with everything, she was happily getting naked and we were happily watching her get naked, along with all the other dues-paying members of Teamsters 280 -- but then they started "dating."

"After that he kicked up a huge fag fuss about the nudity and started trying to block those scenes. It got really ugly. The producers had to call in lawyers and threaten him and Kelly. That Brit shit stain is a ballbuster of the highest order."

However, the jealous star was forced to give in after producers told him the movie would be canceled -- and a costly lawsuit would follow -- if he didn't comply with her, and our need, to get fucking naked nudity, reports The Post.

We await the flick on bootleg-Nigerian street salesman DVD anyday now.

ANIMAL THUG RETURNS...WITH HIS GHETTO GUIDE TO MAKING IT TO THE WEEKEND

CONDOM? NAHHHH...YOU WERE JUST WORKING A PRETTY CLEAN CORNER, RIGHT BABYDOLL?...SO, UH, I'M COOL...

10) Don’t say “What are you gonna do, shoot me?” When someone is robbing you at gun point.

9) Don’t play with circus elephants.

8) Don’t mix Tequila and Heroin.

7) Don’t stop taking your medication or hang out with some one who stops taking their medication. (Unless it is Zoloft, in which case you should NEVER take your medication in the first palce).

6) Don’t forget what happened in “A Clockwork Orange” when people let strangers into their house late at night.

5) Don’t flash the meatloaf (your money roll) in the hood.

4) Don’t mock Mother Nature.

3) Don’t listen to Judas Priest or Ozzy Osbourne records backwards.

2) Don’t have sex with a woman that insists, despite the fact that she has hair on her knuckles and a huge Adam’s apple, that the only reason she wants to have anal sex is because she feels “not so fresh down there.”

and finally for all aspiring porn sluts...

1) Don’t go to Mexico for a “better deal on plastic surgery.”

Thank you. Thank you very much.

SKULLGAME'S PRIESTS IN THE NEWS...AGAIN!!!

The Rev. Jerome F. Gillespie resigned yesterday as pastor of St. John the Evangelist Church in Swampscott, Boston, after he was accused of asking a 12-year-old girl AND her mother to perform a sex act at an Italian restaurant in Chelsea Tuesday night. The Globe reported yesterday that the Suffolk district attorney was seeking the 55-year-old priest in connection with the allegation that he propositioned a girl and her mother. The archdiocese said it learned of the matter Thursday night. ''My own 13-year-old daughter just served Mass with him last Sunday," said Daniel Santanello, 46, a father of three. ''This is the last thing I would have expected to hear of him. . . ."

JOEY SILVERA'S STRAP ATTACK

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "Even With Chicks, It's Sill Gay" BUSTED NUTS

It doesn’t matter how you try to do it. Chicks, no matter how fucking hot or how naked or how fucking hot and naked they are, with DICKS just won't ever work. Ever. It doesn’t even matter if you throw a bunch of strap-ons on some bitches. The results are always the same: THE PAGEANTRY OF PURE FAGGOTRY!

SIGN NUMBER ONE THAT THINGS HAVE GONE HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG: SHE'S FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS AND WE'RE TAKING PICTURES

As demonstrated here in STRAP ATTACK.

The faggotry begins almost IMMEDIATELY with the likes of PENELOPE CHARMOSA and Brazilian superstar JUDY MASTRONELLI shoving fake cocks in dudes’ asses and mouths.

That’s all I needed to see. Yup. That's all I fucking needed to see to get a sense of how the fuck life is on Planet Gay.

So, if you are a big-ass raging homo, OR you have a burning secret desire to be fucked in the fag sack by a broad with a strap-on, then you will probably eat this up like peanuts on elephant shit. However, the rest of us comfortable-with- our-sexuality-but-still-feeling-no-pressing-need-to-get-our-asses-worked folks will just pass.

On all of the dude ass fucking. Yup. Just...fucking...pass.

NEXT!!! -- HABIB

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THE BLACK BASTARD #10

Anabolic

Rating: FOUR "I'm Just Doing Research, Yeah, That's It, Research" BUSTED NUTS

This is a two-hour compilation of LEXINGTON STEELE'S most talked about conquests. In my opinion there are two distinctly different types of compilation video:

1) those that digital video editors piece together from scraps of unused and unusable scenes cluttering their hard drives, and

2) those that are a sort of an homage, a best of the best, if you will.

SOME DAYS YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT, SOME DAYS YOU FEEL LIKE A CRANK IN THE CRAPPER!

That would be the category this one would fall into. Shot entirely in front of slack-jawed white film crews across the San Fernando Valley this movie, and series, really do live up to the name “THE BLACK BASTARD.”

Jam-packed with dick-jamming action...I mean WATCH Mr. Steele run headlong through a bunch of white chicks and the occasional black one! SEE him hoe a furrow through a hollow of ho's! LOOK at him bone broads who...who...wait a minute....motherfuck.

Listen, I would urge EVERYONE to look very, very, very closely because the way this shit works, one of those women might be your goddamned old lady who told you she was going out for "drinks with the girls," which really amounted to that slut Charlene who said she had some friends in from out of town named Lex. Jesus: these broads are clearly here for the sausage, NOT the scratch, and I'm gonna Zapruder this thing to make sure what I'm seeing ain't what I THINK I'm seeing.

Buy this, if for no other reason than to make sure your girl isn’t getting got by that “Black Bastard” Lexington Steele. -- ITALIAN SAL

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SMOTHERING BITCHES #47

Gotham Gold

Rating: ONE "My Mother? My Ex-Wife? My Mother-In-Law?" BUSTED NUTS

The menu screen of this dvd deserves a FIVE....And I'd give it one too. But then it gets difficult to breathe. And I get sleepy. And dizzy. Look, I must admit, I might not be the best person in the world to review this: I have not seen SMOTHERING BITCHES #1 through 46, so, as I'm sure you can tell, I might miss some of the....uuuhhhhh.....subtleties involved with this production (Did I mention the menu screen? Genius!) of video documention of big tits and asses over nostrils and mouths.

THIS IS THE FACE OF FOREVER IN SKULLGAME HEAVEN

For this, I am sorry.

But let's get to the, uh, meat of the matter....wait, wait...I have a better one... this is the part where the rubber hits the road, and by rubber I mean more big ol' ass, and by road I mean some guy's face....oh shit, did I just give it away? Or did I do that last paragraph? Imagine, if you will then, a log rolling competition...with the log being some guy's face, and the lumberjack being a big ol' ass.

Roll and smother (damn, I coulda used a "stop, drop and roll" metaphor...I missed). Add a bitch to that, and 46 previous titles, and you got it: big girls, skinny guys, and a whole lot of vigorous straddling.

The kind of shit R. CRUMB dreams about. Not me. -- HANK CRANKY

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MANILA EXPOSED

Power House Productions

Rating: FOUR "Could Be Time For Some Travel" BUSTED NUTS

The "special features" in this one are special the same way retard kids get called special so they don't feel bad about being retards: "Website information," "Company information," "Auto start," "Auto replay," etc. And whoever was holding the camera for the shaky behind-the-scenes is surely an epileptic.

A FREE CASE OF VD OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!!

It's also got the five classic hallmarks of amateur porn:

1. Guys who can't get wood.
2. Girls who can't fuck.
3. Guys who can't get wood fucking girls who can't fuck.
4. Zoom button overkill filling the screen with 10 tons of man-ass.
5. Gay music.

So why did I like it so much? Apart from the gay music?

Well, it's got eight concrete jungle bitches straight from the streets of Manila, fucking in rooms without air conditioning with sweat dripping down their necks, running up their thighs, and making their cooches glisten like goddamn beacons signaling out for cock to pound them into a fevered, pulpy sponge of twitching, cum-soaked cunt meat.

And that ain't half bad!

No "porn stars" here. Just babes born to be boned. Boning babeonia that you could bang yourself if you hopped a plane to Manila, walked into the right bar, and flopped out your tackle.

Tooling for anus?

You got it. -- MR. XTRA

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