If you don't think that everyone in the world has gotten stupid enough to mistake bowel movement for brie how do you explain this cocksucker named MIKE LA VELLA?
"I AM THE PATRON SAINT OF EXCREMENT EATERS EVERYWHERE"
NEWS ORGANS IN AMERICA ON HIGH ALERT CODE ORANGE: IS TOM CRUISE SHAVING HIS BODY OR NOT?
WHAT?!? WHAT, THIS?! THIS AWARD THAT'S NOT MINE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT. MAYBE HOLDING IT FOR YOU? AND YES, PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION AT ALL TO THE FAT CLOWN NEXT TO ME
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Hollywood hunk TOM "I'M STILL NOT GAY" CRUISE has vociferously denied reports he sucks cocks, many and often. He's denied and denied and denied this spurious and scurrilous allegation regardless of his just having won the NATIONAL ASSOCIATION of HOMOS award for Most Hairless Man Who Denies His Man-Loving Ways.
According to a source quoted by that journal of record, THE NEW YORK POST, Cruise was seen accepting the award in a toilet stall in Griffith Park. The source alleges, "Tom was very gracious in accepting."
However, Cruise's representative Leeanne Devett says, "This is the first I have heard of this. Tom would not be part of this homo-award-giving trend."
HASSELHOFF TO BECOME A RAP STAR
MY FIRST RAP IS GOING TO BE ABOUT THIS PHOTO. I'M GOING TO CALL IT: TOM CRUISE!
SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Former BAYWATCH "actor" David Hasselhoff, due to his overwhelming commitment to AL JOLSON, is being transformed into a rap superstar -- by "pal" Ice-T.
The two men have formed a close friendship after becoming neighbors in the mean streets of Los Angeles's BELAIR, and Ice-T is determined to not only show his "homie" love, but the world that there's more to Hasselhoff than meets the eye.
IF YOU MY NIGGA LEMME HEAR YA HOLLLLLLAAAA!!!
Ice-T enthuses after ignoring the great dope world dictum regarding getting high off your own supply, "The man is a legend of talking car, beach running proportions. And we are going to show a whole new side of him." The masterplan to turn Hasselhoff, 51, into the new Eminem will begin later this year when Ice-T produces the singer/actor's new record.
Ice-T continues, "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff -- I promise you."
No one anywhere at all could be reached for comment about any of this who was not already and immediately struck dumb.
KATE HUDSON AND COURTNEY LOVE COLLABORATION SMELLS LIKE IT TASTES: SHITTY!
I AM NAKED, I AM NAKED. AND THINKING ABOUT POOP!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Actress Kate Hudson has become so obsessed with her 15-year old son's soiled diapers, she plans to record a song all about it. Hudson and rocker husband Chris Robinson admit, in something that should never be admitted in sane society, that her offspring's constant flow of waste keeps her in high spirits.
She tells Vogue, "Poop is my new obsession. I'm going to do a recording of all poop songs. Which is why I contacted Courtney."
I AM ELMER J. FUDD. I OWN A MANSION AND A YACHT. OR AT LEAST I USED TO
COURTNEY LOVE, who
1) has nowhere to live in Los Angeles
2) is bunking with former New York Times pop critic Neil Strauss because
3) she can't go back to her own home since
4) her daughter Frances Bean is living with her court-appointed guardian, because
5) Love is a train wreck
6) so Love is bunking with her old pal and pornographer Strauss.
Strauss appeared in a porn movie shot while he was researching his biography of smut star Jenna Jameson.
Whatever.
