Yo Vinnie,
I was scheduled to get married to a woman that I can only now call a slut. I call her a slut because I find out just now, seven months before the wedding that she sucked my friend's cock. In his fucking car. The cock sucking slut did her deed last year right before I started dating her. And I wouldn't have cared if she had told me about it (and believe me, I ASKED) but she said she didn't want to upset me by not lying to me like she has been for the two years. I don't know what to do. I mean I know at this point calling off the wedding seems stupid. On the other hand kissing a bride who is a cock gobbling slut seems unlikely. Especially with my friend smirking up at me from the fourth row. Fuck. -- T.S., (by email)

WITH THIS COCK I THEE WED

Dear TORTURED SUCKER MOTHERFUCKER: So your old lady smokes a little pole? One or two or 20 times? And this makes you feel a little uncomfortable? Possibly because you think that while you can take the slut out of the street, you can't take the pole out of her piehole no matter how hard you try to supplant that image burned in your mind of her sucking Johnny's rocket while they both laugh at you? Well, I'll save you the "lemonade out of lemons" lecture. I won't make mention at all of the fact that such a healthily cock-minded Missus is likely to make you happier longer than the Saints you obviously wish you were marrying. I'll even skip the bit about how what this is really about is some sort of twisted homo-love between you and Johnny and I'll cut straight to the advice giving:

Kill them both.

Then plead diminished capacity and in 10 years you'll be free to start again with a woman who wouldn't know what a cock was even if you jammed it up her ass.

Good luck to you.