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05.10.04
"IRAQI HAZING INCIDENT TOTALLY BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION," SAYS MEAN GIRLS STAR AND PENTAGON SPOKEPERSON LINDSAY LOHAN IN A SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. "I MEAN, TOTALLY."

It's just a load of fucking bullshit to make our side look bad and shit," says teen sexpot.

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HOLDING COURT AT A CONGRESSIONAL INQUIRY, LOHAN WOWS REPRESENTATIVES WITH HER PNEUMATIC RACK


BUSH ADMINISTRATION STUNG BY RECENT CRITICISMS CALLS OUT CONGRESSIONAL "FIXER" LINDSAY LOHAN

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"I AM A DELTA TAU DELTA AND LOVING IT, SIR!!!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SkullGame) -- The abuse of Iraqi prisoners by American military guards is "a stain on our country's honor and reputation" but will not deter America's mission "to bring democracy and stuff" to Iraq, President Bush pledged Saturday.

However when a nation called bullshit on that obvious line of crap the Bush administration's big guns, KAREN HUGHES and KARL ROVE called in the BIG favors.

Enter: One MS. LINDSAY LOHAN, star of stage and screen and political patron saint of lost fucking causes.

Though the president had gone on to say that the abuse and sexual humiliation of prisoners in Iraq's notorious Abu Ghraib prison "was the wrongdoing of a few" and should not reflect on the thousands of U.S. military personnel "who are serving and sacrificing in Iraq. And besides they were only simulatin' sex acts. Right now in every jail in the goddamned U.S. of A. you have good men and women who don't have the luxury of their rape being SIMULATED."

Interrupting the Commander in Chief, Lohan, however, in a strategic spin that had even veteran insiders stunned into admiring silence said, "Listen, I don't know all of what Poofy is saying here," with Poofy being her pet name for President Bush. "But when the boys of Delta Tau Delta start a pledge drive well watch OUT!"

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"OLLIE OLLIE OXEN FREE!!!!!" THOSE PHI DELT KIDDERS ARE AT IT AGAIN

"I remember this one time my Lil' Bros in DTD had caught this Phi Delt," Lohan said. "And they just tarred his ass and...what? What you are looking at? Ohmigod. Is there spinach in my teeth? Ohmigod. Oh...you're just staring at my boobies. That's okay."

"Our mission in Iraq will continue," Bush said.

And despite "a difficult few weeks ... our forces will stay on the offensive, finding and confronting all the killers, terrorists, Phi Delts, Alpha Delts, Zetes, Sigmas and Betes who are trying to undermine the progress of democracy in Iraq," said Bush.

"Totally," said Lohan.



SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE: LINDSAY LOHAN SPEAKS

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STOP, STARING AT MY BOOBIES!!! SERIOUSLY!!!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SkullGame) -- It's not often that SKULLGAME gets to go political but CORNHOLIO, in the know on all things White Broad-ish, got a line on this broad through his homie MICHAEL BROWN, son of former Secretary of Commerce RON BROWN, and set up this brief phoner in which we got to ask about how this teen sensation became a political fixer, her new movie and our sausages.

SKULLGAME: Yo. Lindsay? Heyyy...nice to talk to you but we know you're busy so we'll keep it short: how the fuck are you going to help the Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight?

LINDSAY LOHAN: You ever notice how your toes always have that crooked one that's all kind of waaahhh...???

SG: What? OK. Next question: Fraternity stunt? You gotta be fucking yanking our chains?

LL: You sound cute. Did you rush? Ohh...lemme guess...Zete?

SG: Hey listen....why don't you come back to our room for some Jager shooters, roofies and a few rolls of high speed Ilford film and let's call it an interview.

LL: WOO HOO!!!



NOT TO BE OUTDONE, JOHN KERRY ENLISTS THE AID OF AURORA SNOW

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I'VE BEEN STUDYING THIS SHIT IN SCHOOL. WHAT?!?

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY (SkullGame) -- Assumed Democratic nominee, JOHN KERRY, in his radio response to the Bush-Lohan Defense as it is coming to be known has enlisted the aid of media friendly AURORA SNOW.

"I could go on," said the presumptive nominee. "But why the fuck bother? So I've enlisted the aid of MS. AURORA SNOW to explain to the American public the concept of going to hell in a handbasket."

"Thanks, Johnny," said a giggling Aurora Snow. "OK. This thing below is a handbasket."

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WOULD WESTERN CIVILIZATION LIKE A RIDE?

"And this here, below, is where you all will be riding in it together."

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HI. NICE TO MEET YOU. DID BUSH SEND YOU AND THE REST OF AMERICA? GOOD, GOOD. GLAD TO HEAR IT.

"Hope that all makes as much sense as Lindsay did."

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TA TA.


 


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