Red Light District
Rating: THREE "For Mia, The Blonde & One Other Tidy Brunette Whose-Name-I-Strangely-Missed With Great Heels ONLY" BUSTED NUTS
Damn, why do these titles have to be so ambiguous? What could one expect from such a cryptically titled DVD called GIRL ON GIRL?
Hmmm.
YEAH. SURE. WHATEVER. THREE BROADS "GETTING IT ON." RIGHT.
Well, possibly not one thing: the impulse to smack the fuckin' narrator and his weary POV device across the face with a shovel. I so want to. Can't there be an interactive feature built in where this option is somehow emulated?
Smack. Smack. Take aim aaaaand... smack. There (wipes hands on trousers).
I can't be the only one. I also wonder if his vision, his canny PANACHE for mise en scene was responsible for decking out each set up like the interior of a funeral directors? Strangely, this starchy, crypt-like atmosphere -- actually, think of the type of place your company pays for you to visit on some work-related team-building day, where you throw balls at each other and group together in teams -- that's what it looks like. Maybe the girls got to break for coffee and snacks too, reconvening at, shall we say, a half past the hour to presume with the purple double dildo scene?
Anyway, the starchyness isn't limited to the surroundings: they must have some on-site underwear trolley from which the girls took their pick. Only problem is that the choice du jour was obviously themed "matronly". It fuckin' is. It's really polite and feminine. Delicate. Comfortable. So if you like that, you
totally feel aroused by the sight of tasteful female underwear... jesus what a worry.
The only one who looks as if she could do some damage is the little redhead (MIA? GIA? FIA? TIA? Why are they always named after small cars?) who appears as part of a pleasant-think tennis-threesome. The blonde (KELLEMARIE?) in the scene with, erm, the other one (MIKAYLA? Look, if I got them wrong, swap them fucking over, feel BETTER now?) sells it for me too. But not as much as the shovel thing.
Look, we all know that they'd all jump up after the camera is switched off and squeal "Me me! First in the pool!" You know it. Women do not like having sex with each other. Or with you. They talk about it (have I already been down this route?), smirk at you on the subject like it MIGHT one day happen and YOU maybe involved.
But it fuckin' won't. Get over it.
And it's disgraceful that chumps like whoever's behind this DVD can't at least do something more effective in the way of portraying a cruel lie. Or at least find/pay some talent that doesn't remind you of a brutal older cousin that is only interested in demeaning you and stealing your CDs before attempting to outdo her volleyball partners in the hefty thigh stakes. Hell, what other real life equivalent are we supposed to draw? -- WERNER ASSBENDER
Buy it NOW!
