skull_weblog

JEWEL DE'NYLE'S LAST MOVIE

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "For All The Wrong Goddamned Reasons" BUSTED NUTS

Quick. Question: What could you possibly call a movie touting a big-titted broad pimping the fact that this, her last movie, features more tramps who are most certainly as long in the tooth as fucking vampires and who should have certainly done their last movie many a fucking moon ago?

What, indeed.

I’ll tell you what: the cops.

TERI WEIGEL? WHAT IS CAROL CHANNING, ALEX?

Yes, yes, I was seriously considering calling the police on more then one occasion in this movie, the all-girl scene being the first. When I seen TERI WEIGEL and GINGER LYNN in something other than EXPLOITED MOMS, I nearly shit myself.

TERI WEIGEL with her big silver-dollar-sized nipples sitting up on top of her oversized bruised and battered tits, well, it was criminal I tell you. And GINGER LYNN? I thought she was dead, or at least I hoped she was.

What the fuck?

Please, keep your clothes on. This is not part of the fantasy. It's sick, it's like imagining myself fucking the old hag sitting at the end of the bar: you know she fucks, you know she fucks well, but some things are better left unseen, and this particular scene certainly counts as one of those things.

The next scene in this is worth mention if only for the fact that for those of us inside the fence it certainly ranks as disturbing, check that, very disturbing. The scene in question features DARREN JAMES.

Recognize the name? You ought to.

DARREN JAMES was Patient Zero at the middle of the big Porn HIV scare. Darren is the meat in a JEWEL-NINA BONET sandwich that leaves you wondering, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I don’t know.

What I DO know is this movie is a must-see much in the same way a movie featuring aging sluts, clowns or midgets would be a must see. See? I goddamned hope so.-- ITALIAN SAL

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SKULLGAME BIDNESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...

Everyone has seen the playful sign or t-shirt that says "Will work for sex," but there's actually a guy in New York doing it. The 34-year-old systems engineer, who goes by "Ray Digerati," fixes computers in exchange for sex. Digerati says he came up with the idea while helping a female friend and wondered if he could get sex in exchange for his time. Digerati says he leaves the payment amount up to the client, but he thinks one orgasm for every two hours of work is fair.

PRIVATE CASTINGS X #34

private

Rating: ONE "Yo-o Speak-o Yo-o Lingo-o" BUSTED NUTS

..... OK, really, I tried! Really!

Buuuut...the hottest girl on this fucking thing had a tampon string hanging out...I mean can't somebody here just try? A little???

Outside of that, that is the general lack of trying, this thing is not quite filled with, but mostly: reasonably attractive girls saying

"What?" and "What?"

WANDA CURTIS WONDERING WHAT THE FUCK THAT COCK IS SAYING TO HER

Oh no, not in ENGLISH, but, in every other goddamned language that the guy doing LOOOOOOONG interviews didn't speak. There was even an interpreter... to no avail...just "what?"

"What?" "Huh?"

...just looking through magazines, and "huh?" "Wha?"

Oh, and then there was some fucking, but I was already so DAMNED bored by then..... -- HANKY CRANKY

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NACHO VIDAL'S BANG BANG BREAKIN' THE LAW

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "Ever Hear The One About The Cop Raped By Dudes In Skirts? Oh. It's A Fucking Riot" BUSTED NUTS

Fuck the war on terrorism, what about the creeping threat of the Brazilian ladyboy massive? I mean, it’s true, it’s not gone unnoticed amongst me and The Girls that getting a decent, hetero fuck these days is getting harder and harder (reverse pun fully intended). I myself have flown 350 miles upon this very night just to get some wood...and I therefore ask each of you to question whether or not the very fabric of our society is not being eroded by the legion of rapidly multiplying He-Shes.

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT: DUDES. OFFICIALLY MAKING YOU? THAT'S RIGHT: GAY! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, YES it does piss me off that they have better legs than me and quite obviously know how to skillfully apply makeup to accentuate their best features. And they have dicks. Best of both worlds, they have it all and I’m pissed about that. But for me, the big question here is : is this GAY porn? Or is it STRAIGHT porn? Or is it FREAK porn? Frankly, I don’t like porn that asks me existential questions. I like my porn in boxes.

Probably the best bit of the whole film is the first three minutes, wherein we witness a bunch of stupid hot chicks inexplicably congregating on a street and looking stupid and hot. Then a lone member of the local constabulary wanders in to chastise these poor lasses (apparently...it’s all in Portuguese for chrissakes and thank god they didn’t feel subtitles were a necessary expense) wherein they all gang up on Poor Mister Policeman and kick him and spit on him and knee him in the balls.

After that you can take off your rose-colored glasses, mate, because the girls reveal their masculine sides and it’s pure crazed tranny fucking frenzy. The guy who deserves the fucking Oscar is the cop because not only does he give about 70 blow jobs and rim jobs but he also gets fucked in the ass with a truncheon and 5 or 10 tranny cocks of varying proportions.

The funny bits :

1. Cop getting his asshole shaved with a Bic disposable and about a gallon of tranny spit. Classy.

2. Five ladyboys lining up on their knees and waving their asses in the air. Like staring into the black hole of Calcutta with errr... quintuple vision.

3. No one really ever comes in this flick. It’s a virtually spunk free zone. So in the end all the trannies just piss on the cop. Now that is fucking funny.

Special mention to PAULA FRIERE, whose performance in the bizarrely non-thematic middle sequence of poolside fucking gave me that special tingly feeling between my legs that us ladies don’t get enough from porn. Until she showed me her nut sack. Then I just got confused. -- MS. PINK

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JUSTIN SLAYER'S BOZ: WHEN BIG JUST AIN'T ENOUGH!

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Does He Need Three-Legged Pants?" BUSTED NUTS

This BOZ dude's got a big dick. In the scene with MONICA SWEETHEART, he licks her clit and fucks her pussy. Which wouldn't be worth mentioning if he wasn't doing both at once. That's a big fucking dick.

LEA DE MAE, WHOSE PISS MR. XTRA WOULD DRINK, TARRYING WITH A TONGUE THAT IN ALL LIKELIHOOD DOESN'T BELONG TO MR. BIG BLACK BOZ

Not that I'm jealous or nothin', no Sirree. He can only get the first yard or so of that pipe into a bitch. As she looks up at him with adoring eyes. And, uhh, shit, that cock probably causes interference with mobile phone networks.

Not jealous at all. Not me. No, umm, way.

Anyway, BOZ'S dick is put to best use with LILY THAI. She squirts up a storm. If by "storm" you mean a thick stream of yellow piss. Human fire hydrant CYTHEREA is also on hand to squirt. If by "squirt" you mean flood Bangladesh.

And gotta applaud director JUSTIN SLAYER for including some tease footage of the hot bitches just walking around in their hot bitch clothes. Same dude made BLACK PIPE LAYERS #3. That movie was disappointing: good anal, dodgy cast. This one: not enough anal, but some super hot bitches.

Such as LEA DE MAE. Who sure knows how to fill up a fishnet bodysuit. She used to be a competitive diver or something. That's Olympic-type diving, not muffdiving. She's got a perfect body. Goddammit. I'd drink from her bladder through a straw. -- MR. XTRA

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CUM COVERED TITS

Sleazy Sluts Video

Rating: FIVE "Sausage In A Roll: The Polite Man's Choice" BUSTED NUTS

CUM COVERED TITS. You say some shit like that and nobody asks, "what?" I mean what the fuck else COULD you have said? I mean dig this:

"Shrimp?"
"Need a ride?"
"Cum Covered Tits?"

You see what the fuck we mean?

TRINITY LOREN & TITS THAT CRY OUT FOR THE COCONUT

This wonderfully quaint anachronism has gone by the gonzo wayside and I can't believe that I'm the only one out there who when a chick says to me, "cum on my tits," laughs and thinks, "yeah. Especially if by tits you mean FACE."

You see this flick is a relic of the quaint '90s when if you popped cork and shook the fucking bubbly on your broad's boobs, you felt like you were pulling shit from the Pro Player Book. At this point this is about as quaint as a handjob, another bygone relic of a quieter time.

Did I mention I just got a handjob from this fine-ass Black broad? Coincidentally, she carefully jerked me ON her bosom maximus. Man, it was good. But I digress.

What makes this movie THE SHIT is the sheer profundity of it being packed balls to walls with tits that just scream out for load after load after load: these mostly belonging to dear departed tit queen TRINITY LOREN. And the hosemaster in many cases here is none other than PETER NORTH. Throw in the mammy from Miami BUSTY BELLE....and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I LOVE THIS HO. Oh. I'm sorry. Mix in LYNN LE MAY and CHESSIE MOORE and you have VINNIE ROSE in a state of near exhaustion, crank withered, eyes burning, stinging, and redemption permanently beyond reach.

Yeah. It was that good. Resist your urge to see two dicks plunging into one asshole for just long enough to let the naughty '90s catch the fuck up to you and this you will dig. And now if you excuse me.... -- VINNIE ROSE

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CUM SWAPPING SLUTS #7

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Are You Gonna Eat That? No, Seriously, Cause If You Ain't..." BUSTED NUTS

If you ever say to yourself, "What the world needs now is...a little more SNOWBALLING," then CUM SWAPPING SLUTS #7 is just the movie for you.

165 DAYS WITHOUT AN ACCIDENT: EVA ANGELINA, EVER MINDFUL OF THE OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS FACING FACIALISTS THESE DAYS, GOGGLES UP.

Red Light District Video has kicked out a vid where two girls tag team a cock and then decide to practice a basic rule you learned in preschool. "It's good to share with your friends." Especially, apparently, when it's man juice. One rule they neglected to practice, however, was, "don't play with your food."

And so it goes that this debauchery starts off with two blondes named KIMBERLY KANE and NOMI. Besides sharing the belly jelly, and a cock, I'd suggest, as a side note, that they should also share a fucking toothbrush. It kills the moment when the bitch has yellow, crusty teeth. They fuck and suck and at the end the guy busts a nut in Nomi's mouth and she spits it into Kimberly Kane's mouth. And that's basically the movie's premise: Fuck, suck, share the joy jam.

Question: Who taught ALEX DEVINE to give head?

She is one of those girls that think men actually enjoy having teeth scraped across their Johnson. It was painful to watch her teeth go up and down that poor dude's cock and her friend wasn't much better at head. In fact it was some of the worst on-screen head I've ever seen with the exception of some barnyard porn.

The last scene happens to feature the cutie EVA ANGELINA with her glasses, or "safety goggles," as they call them in the facial biz.

Don't forget safety first!

She is a woman that knows how to work a cock. It was great watching her work her magic except for when she swaps the cum with friend TEAGAN. At first I was excited to watch two hot chicks share splooge but after actually seeing it, it's disgusting. I guess if it were my splooge it would be cool, but since it's not, it sucked. So if you watch those nature shows where the mama bird regurgitates worm guts into the baby bird's mouth and you get turned on? Well, then this is just the movie for you. -- NIXY

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BLACK SWALLOW #2

Video Team

Rating: FOUR "Helping To Support Equal Opportunities In Sucking Cock" BUSTED NUTS

One thing you’re guaranteed when you get six thick sistas sucking and fucking:no tired ass cocks doing the job. These girls want to be stretched like fucking silly putty. Stretched and filled, be it in the mouth, cunt or delicious fucking asses, they want a fucking by real fucking men and Video Team does not disappoint them in their need to be both fucked so they can feel it and splattered with hot loads.

CINNABUNZ HAS ENJOYED A RESURGENCE IN RECENT DAYS REGARDLESS OF THE ATKINS DIET MANIA

CINNABUNZ, famous for her thick and fuckable ass, shows off her thick lips and hot mouth in full-face, knees down gangbang action. She finishes off several cocks and swallows each and every fucking time.

JADA FIRE is thicker then a Snickers' bar and a darling of black hardcore and she shows off her fucking skills by getting her throat jammed and her ass beaten by a
cock train.

And so it goes: UNIQUE retains her innocent fucking appeal (emphasis on FUCKING), even while she takes and satisfies three black cocks in her mouth. Slick JADE STONE may be one tiny slut, but she can swallow a full 14 inches then get a fucking hard load in her tight cunt.

Heard of snowballing?

JOCELYN and PERSIA will give you the grand tour with their thick lips and maybe a little ass fuck ala carte.

So, if you like sistas…

If you like black hardcore…

If you like real sluts that can take a real cock…

Then you want BLACK SWALLOW #2! -- GIRLMED!

Buy it NOW!

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STEVE HOLMES' CUM GUZZLERS

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Fucking Groove To Fucking Groove" BUSTED NUTS

As you know, we watch a LOT of porn here at Casa Skull. Some might say we’re jaded because of it. The truth is, our critical eye for the best in fucktainment is tuned to such a high degree that I wouldn't be too far off if I said that it could be considered that we’re goddamned porn connoisseurs.

Yes, we’ve even got our own little lingo around here. So when one of us mentions the three hallowed words, “groove to groove,” the rest take notice.

CHE BELLA!!! JESSICA FIORENTINO ENJOYS SOME CLASSICAL ART WHILE GETTING ASS-ROOTED BY A MANBEAST. GENIUS!!!

See, we don’t have the time or patience to sit through every single, dribbling moment of the hundreds and hundreds of hours of porn we got to get through, so we use the fast forward button a lot: through most double anal cock-bonded scenes, through most of the babble and definitely through the tendency toward too much man ass. But when we get up from a reviewing session and notice there’s no imprint on our left thumbs of two arrows pointing to the right, then we know we’ve got a gem.

CUM GUZZLERS is such a gem and gets the “Groove to Groove” award, meaning I watched it front to back with no skipping. Sure, I had to watch it in sessions – lots and lots of sessions – but watch it all the way I did.

The reasons?

Nine ultra-amazing Euro ho's that fuck and suck like their fuck and suck life tank is on empty. And just as remarkable is that the very power of these women is enough to counter the soul-sucking void that is a scene featuring MICHAEL STEFANO and ERIK EVERHARD. Imagine that.

CUM GUZZLERS has something for everyone. Count ‘em: one, two-guyon-three-girl scene; one outdoor POV scene; one gangbang scene; one, three-guy- on-two-girl scene; all anal; a little double anal; multiple languages; East euro fuckstresses galore; hole swapping fu; and babes that are as much consummate connoisseurs of proper fucking as we are...Steely Rob says check it out. -- STEELY ROB

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THE WHIPPING POST

Bruce 7

Rating: ONE "Thinking About Something Else" BUSTED NUTS

A Preface: Anyone who shares my deep and fully justified hatred of the rock guitar session cokehead, especially one who thinly disguises Owner of a Lonely Heart by Yes, of all putrid things, for some porn incidental "music," send me your money. I will mount a full-scale manhunt for these cockroaches and exterminate them. Pig after pig.

We have suffered long enough.

WHA?!? SHE GETS THE FUCK WHIPPED OUTTA HER?!? WELL MAYBE WE COULD WATCH IT AGAIN. JUST ONCE. OR 10 TIMES. C'MON. WHATTA SAY?

So here we are in yet another lame Hollywood drywall and rental carpet shoebox with the prerequisite shitty stud couch. On it sits BRUCE SEVEN who, if the first words out of his mouth are any indication, is some sort of porn DR, GENE SCOTT kvetching about the zoning laws that have forced him to move his operation. Blah, blah, blah.

Say what, Bruce? Come again? Oh. I see. Um, Bruce? WE DON’T FUCKING CARE.

Now, I’ll give you this. The women are well fed and fuckable in that superficial Los Angeles kind of way. You know, where you want to fuck them just so you can get up, take a shower and leave without another word. But this ain’t nothin’ but blowin’ sunshine up the discerning kink connoisseur’s ass.

And I don’t like anything up my ass but last night’s dinner. So go start a ministry, Bruce, because WE DON’T FUCKING CARE. -- THE ARGENTINE

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SEVERE PUNISHMENT

Noose Video

Rating: FIVE "Utterly Destroyed" BUSTED NUTS

Waaaaiit a minute. What’s this, my pretty? Do we have a winner?

From the minute that you can’t figure out the original sex of the she-male dominatrix who’s running the show to the last generous scenes of two girls being given something to cry about, this is brilliant.

Santa Maria!

THE 20 OBVIOUS SIGNS OF A LESSON WELL LEARNED

Even THE ARGENTINE learned something watching this. (What, you ask? Well, if you’re female, I could, maybe, show you.)

Our two little playthings are told to do this and then that and they respond with genuine obedience. The camera can’t fake the red marks, my friends, and these two get dealt full servings of sting and smart.

The best scene shows our freakish host/ess (did I mention the Goth DOROTHY HAMILL hairdo? Beautifully disturbing…) in a moment of precarious abandon. You can see the conflict play out on his/her face. Imagine a tantrum smelling the perfume of a full fucking rampage. Must. Hold. Back.

The cameraman was probably thinking something like "Hey, hold on, that's going way too far ... I'd better just sit riiight here and make sure this fucking thing doesn't run out of film."

I’ll say it again: Brilliant. -- THE ARGENTINE

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SKULLGAME GETS OLYMPIC FEVER. CATCH OUR UP-TO-THE-MINUTE COVERAGE OF, UM, THE POLE JUMPER EVENT AND THE, UM, BREAST STROKER THING WITH OUR SPOKESLUT CHEROKEE. PLUS: INSIDE THE KOBE BRYANT SEX SHAKEDOWN TRIAL

This sports spectacular is being underwritten by SIC 'EM TOM TIRE IRONS in association with ANGRY MOTHERFUCKER NUTRICEUTICALS, makers of the new ANADROL-50: "It Picks You Up While It Pisses You Off."

"I DON'T JUST USE SIC 'EM BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD. I USE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE THE BEST. AGGGHHHHHH...."

SUZANNE SOMERS FINISHES FIRST TAKING HOME THE BRASS METAL FOR THE 100 YARD THIGHMASTER SWIM THING

DAUNTED NEITHER BY AGE NOR INFIRMITY NOR FINGER-SIZED NIPPLES, SOMERS INSPIRES ADMIRATION.

ATHENS (SkullGame) -- Three's Company star SUZANNE "CHRISSIE" SOMERS, a Cinderella story in the making...especially if Cinderella was a 54-year-old TV actress...surprised everyone today in Athens by placing first in an event that not only had she not previously qualified for, but one in which she had not even been scheduled to swim.

Leaping onto the blocks before the race began and shoving someone she later described as "some German dyke" out of her way, the talented Ms. Somers posted an amazing 3:07, um, metroseconds to set a race win record, as well as a world title time.

When asked what compelled her to make such a significant splash in the world of international aquatic competition, Ms. Somers said only, "I did it for Jack Tripper. And Mr. Furley. No. Wait. Mr. Furley is still alive. Well in any case I did for Jack. Oh, and because I'm an attention hungry whore."

OUR OLYMPIC SPOKESLUT CHEROKEE INTERVIEWED BY ITALIAN SAL ABOUT THE, UM, OLYMPIACS THING

STRAIGHT OUT OF ATHENS, CHEROKEE COVERS THE GODDAMNED GLOBE

You know how, sometimes, prior to a hot date with a hot woman, a man has to...how do I put this? Has to...well, take the edge off? The hotter the woman the more of an edge he needs to take off. I mean an ugly broad he can take the edge off of on Sunday for a Friday date, but a hot bitch you don't fuck around and you take the edge off like the night before or something. But you do know what I mean when I say, take the edge off, don't you?

JACK OFF, for crying out loud! Jesus Fucking Christ, what the hell is the matter with you?!?!

Anyhow, this Friday I was faced with a set of circumstances that required me to...take the edge off. Scheduled to do a no-holds-barred interview with Baby Doll and Cherry Boxxx Pictures Super Star CHEROKEE, I was determined to stay cool, and if the need arose, well, to perform like a stallion.

CHEROKEE SHOWING AN INNATE UNDERSTANDING OF THE FACT THAT THE VICTORY STAND IS POPULATED WITH THE FLEXIBLE

Now Cherokee being the hot piece of ass that she is, I figured that to take the edge off I should...you know, jerk one off a little closer to the time of the meeting. Ten minutes before the meeting, to be exact. You know how it is? So I could feign disinterest...and play it cool.

Little did I know that by jacking off so close to the "interview" my plan to feign disinterest, turned into real disinterest mixed with hopeless under-preparedness: I literally could not have care less who was sitting across from me. Hell, I got mine.

So there I was, sitting across with arguably one of the hottest young talents in the adult industry and all I could manage is: "so, how you doing?" To which she answered: "Really good. Are you going to take notes or record this?"

No.

So, this is what I got:

1) Cherokee is not a big fan of cities. Being from Western Kentucky, where all Cherokees hail from, she is more comfortable as the coal miners’ daughter than the fool for the city.

2) Cherokee works about four times a week, for those of you who don’t know what I mean by work, I mean fuck...on camera...for money.

3) Cherokee is not a fan of panhandlers: as far as she is concerned, "if you have an orifice, people will pay you to stick stuff in it." That’s a quote.

AS WE WERE SOON TO FIND OUT.

4) Cherokee loves to work out and loves working the strip club circuit as much as the adult film industry. Whew… am I missing anything? I don’t think so.

Oh yeah, don’t miss Cherokee as she is coming to a town near you.

Aug 19-21 Scandals, Long Island
Aug 26-28 Rhino, Van Nuys
Sept 2-4 Gentlemen’s Club Expo, Las Vegas
Nov 4-6 Rhino, City of Industry
Dec 2-4 Rhino, Oxnard

Check out her other tour dates at www.cherokeexxx.com.

THE KOBE BRYANT SEX SHAKEDOWN TRIAL NEARS END AS REVELATIONS OF ALLEGED VICTIM'S PENCHANT FOR GROUP POKES DAMAGES CASE

BRYANT AND HIS "ATTORNEY" LEAVING COURT FOR, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE DRINKIE POO

DENVER (SkullGame) -- The judge in NBA star KOBE BRYANT's ass banditry case dealt besieged prosecutors another severe blow by denying their bid to indefinitely delay his trial, due to start in just two weeks. Judge Terry Ruckriegle rejected the postponement sought by prosecution lawyers to allow them to consolidate their case against the butt burglaring basketball star.

Prosecutors contended that they needed an indefinite postponement because their chances of getting a fair trial had been damaged by the release of information in the case which pointed to the fact that the alleged victim's underwear contained a veritable cocktail of semen, which they said could taint the available jury pool of men who hadn't yet laid a stiff one on the money-grubbing whore.

But Ruckriegle said that a document that he was forced to release detailing previously secret pre-trial testimony about the alleged victim's sex life in the 72 hours around her June 30, 2003 encounter with Bryant would not taint the jury pool as any damaging details "about the men she double-teamed prior to getting ass banged by Bryant" had been edited out.

More on this as it develops.

TAILS OF PERVERSITY #11

Elegant Angel

Rating: THREE & A HALF "I'd Dump That Baby In A Bin!" BUSTED NUTS

When a podgy and bruised blond goddess says HAPPY WANKING with the sexiest English accent ever, what do you do?!

You goddamned wank it!

So I did. And it was glorious.

IF BRIT ALICIA RHODES SAYS IT IS SO, THEN IT MUST BE SO.

So glorious that my neighbors are still beating on my door. I'm pretty sure they want me to shut the fuck up or else get fucked up, but I like to think they want to steal my copy of TAILS OF PERVERSITY because I'd rather beat my own meat than beat man ass, so fuck it, I'm not opening up that door.

The back of the box has several slogans that should make it clear what is in
the movie, but because I care for you guys (no, I'm still not gonna beat man
ass, so forget about it), I will elaborate on a few of them.

HARD ANAL BLAST: I'll say. The podgy blond goddess with the English accent from before gets cock chocked, slapped, spat on and all around FUCKED, but...wait for it...she fucking LOVES it. Or the cash. Either way that's the way I like it. And that's the way YOU like it. She even gets to knock the guy back a few times. Right on his cock. As OPRAH would no doubt say: you go girl!

As for the hard anal blast, I couldn't care less. The fucking was GREAT. I busted a nut. Any questions?

GROVEL FOR ME!: Pretty funny, the intro to this scene says "The Weaker Sex" and then goes on to show a MAN being beaten by a WOMAN. That's all wrong. All wrong, so unless the WOMAN is named OLIVIA then I sure as hell ain't agreein’ with MEN being the weaker sex.

The guy in the scene, however, is actually WEAK and gets knocked down by a leather clad bimbo with a 2x4, but he in no way reflects me or any of my co-worker MEN at SKULLGAME, just so you know. And you know because we know...your address that is, and we know ITALIAN SAL. You do the freakin’ math. We woulda fucked that bitch up fo' sho'.

But the story takes an "unsuspected" turn when another dude shows up and in turn manhandles the lady while Mr. WEAK TIT continues being WEAK. Who'da thunk it?

Other stories include:

A TEENAGE HUNGER FOR SHE-COCK!: She-male and not-so-teenage slut get it on. Unfortunately she-male is more like a she-very-male and fails to impress.

and:

BIG BABY!: I'm just gonna shake my head for awhile now...and by that I DO NOT mean my cock. Goddamnit. -- THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/205576.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE VOYEUR'S FAVORITE BLOWJOBS & ANALS #3

Blowjobs & Anals are

always a party fave on The Ave

123548

PERIOD PAINS IN THE ASS?

Yo Vinnie,
I got fucked my last two fuck dates because the chicks coincidentally had their periods on the exact day I was coming over to fuck and so no fucky fuck for me. My question is: do you think women are faking periods just so they won't have to fuck me?--My Flow Stemmed (by email)

I SHANT FUCK HIM TONIGHT. PERHAPS I'LL NOT EVEN FUCK HIM TOMORROW!

Dear Dr. Patch Adams: Yes. The answer to your question is YES. They're running into the bathroom, jamming the hole, and this part is important here, just to deny your cock access to it. Well either you or your cock, which for the purposes of the discussion here are the same. So they hate YOU. Oh yeah, and then there's all of that social pressure around nasty, smelly bleeding holes. However, it should be noted if you're anything like any of us at SKULLGAME we'll birdie on anything we can whenever we can and if it's that time of the month so fucking be it. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. So maybe work a little harder to let her know that you're not an "ew, blood" sissy and GET TO GODDAMNED WORK!!! COCK, FIRST!!!

A2M: THE ART OF ASS TO MOUTH #4

Anabolic Digital

Rating: THREE "I'm Giving You A Three Cuz I Always Give You Fives" BUSTED NUTS

Microscopic fecal matter abounds (didn’t your Mama ever tell you to always wipe front to back?) in this tribute piece to all things hepatitis!!!

MONICA SWEETHEART & A COCK: A JOURNEY ALMOST FINISHED

And Anabolic proves to us once again that while putting something in your mouth is a serious commitment, putting something in your mouth that was just in your ass is a fucking show. Have I ever imbibed the whole nectar of the Ass to Mouth craze? Never. Do I enjoy watching it? You better fucking believe it.

And this movie had a little something for everyone: a little boy plus boy plus girl, some girl plus girl plus boy and even a wholly odd girl plus boy scene filmed in all likelihood by some fucking puritans. Anyhow initial concerns aside this was a great movie featuring homegrown trailer tramp TAYLOR RAIN, as well as Euro Trash MONICA SWEETHEART.

I came for the wine and stayed for the cheese. Whatever the fuck that means. -- ITALIAN SAL

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THE SKULLGAME SLATTERN SYMPOSIUM EXAMINES A LOOSE VARIETY OF SLUTS, THEIR HABITS, HABITATS & HAUNTS; PLUS: PORNO STAR KILLS FOR FUN, PROFIT & PROOF OF NON-GAYNESS. AND ANOTHER EDITION OF BARELY SUBSTANTIATED PORN GOSSIP

Our esteemed board of directors work on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion AND the Slattern Symposium. Simultaneously, no less.

AND WHAT'S MORE I WOULDN'T GIVE THIS PASTRAMI TO A DOG!

SHERYL CROW: DRY-HUMPING WHORE? OR NOT?

BEFORE THE RIFF RIP OFFS, BEFORE THE LONGEST, MOST UNDESERVED JAUNT DOWN THE WALK OF FAME, THERE WAS THE SLUTTERY

FRANCE (SkullGame) -- Actually boned by an esteemed member of the SKULLGAME family, SHERYL CROW, stealer of songs and semen, while purportedly better in bed than the destroyer of musical careers ROSANNA ARQUETTE, actually a LOT better in bed, is now splitting hairs with LANCE ARMSTRONG. Says Armstrong "Sheryl's a great girl, and obviously more than just a friend. It's a big commitment on her part to live a life of a cycling girlfriend or wife, and do laundry and cook food, and do all of the things that wives or girlfriends do. She's been there every day for me, and she has a big life. She's not just a bike fan -- she's also a rock star."

And a SLUT, Lance. Yes, a slut. Especially if by slut you mean a woman who will steal your songs. And semen. But mostly semen.

COMPARISON POINT: ROSANNA ARQUETTE.

A GLASS OF WINE, A STAGGER IN THE SURF AND THOU...

Supposedly not so good in the sack but we'd fuck her just to get close to her fine-ass sister. And while she did go out with that guy from fucking TOTO, this works against rather than adds to the slut factor.

SKULLGAME VOTE: SHERYL CROW is a thieving slut who will stop at nothing to get all of your songs AND semen.

HEIDI FLIESS: MAKING IT TOO EASY OR NOT?

AT WORK, REST AND PLAY, SHE'S A SLUT IN EVERYWAY

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Yes. Very definitely. Especially with this book she's supposed to be putting out on ESCORTING. Ah, well, you know, you gotta let a ho be a ho. And a slut.

COMPARISON POINT: DEMI MOORE.

"DUDE, WHERE'S MY FUCKING SENSE OF DECORUM?" MRS. ASHTON KUTCHER WONDERS

She fucked BRUCE WILLIS. Which is cool. But he's an anti-porn Republican. Which is not. But he dumped her to go out with a porn star. Which is cool. But which has the unintended effect of making Demi, LESS of a slut.

SKULLGAME VOTE: The Ho that WILLIS, according to press reports, enjoyed ample anal sex with.

This concludes the first installment of our multi-week symposium. On sluts. More in-depth examinations on the basis of our collective insider information as the talks progress. On sluts.

ACCUSED SERIAL RAPIST WAS GAY PORN STAR TRYING A LITTLE TOO HARD TO PROVE SOMETHING

GAY, HUNH?!?! I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S GAY!!!

ASPEN (SkullGame) -- Accused of raping five women in the Boulder and Lakewood areas, former Aspen real-estate agent and Snowmass snowboard instructor BRADFORD T. WAGNER was employed in the 1990s as gay porn star, TIM BARNETT, in West Hollywood, Calif., SKULLGAME has learned.

"I just can't believe it, but that's him," said a former acquaintance of Wagner's when viewing gayer than gay porn promotional material featuring photographs of Wagner gaying it up. While gay snowboarders are no surprise what is a surprise is the fact that Wagner was a gay-porn star who allegedly became a serial rapist: an almost unheard of scenario, said Jean McAllister, executive director of the Colorado Coalition Against Sexual Assault.

"Sexual orientation and sex offending are two different things and it's important to keep those separate," she said. "Also it should be remembered that sexual assault is an act of violence and people may be involved in sexual violence against a number of people that may not be related to their sexual orientation."

So you're saying he's gay?

"Oh yes. We're not really convinced that the whole woman raping thing was anything other than a gay attempt to conceal his mincing and sashaying affection for all things cock, which in turn was driving his desire for incarceration and deeper and more committed man on man action. Moreover, not only did he rape them, but he also gave them backrubs, had lunch with them, listened to their problems and went shopping with one no fewer than three times. So yes. It's an open and shut case: we don't care how many women he raped, he'll always be gay in our eyes."

THE HAND OVER FIST REPORT SPOTLIGHT ON RED LIGHT DISTRICT

RICK SOLOMON, COCK AND PARIS HILTON NEGOTIATING THEIR RECENT SEMEN EXTRACTION

San Fernando Valley (SkullGame) -- PARIS HILTON is a slut. This is a given. RED LIGHT DISTRICT purchased the PARIS HILTON tape and the right to sell and show it for $400,000. They also gave a piece of it to Stuntcock Solomon, AND the Hilton family, for every unit sold.

They wholesaled it for no less than $22.

They sold 200,000 in the FIRST WEEK.

Our point? Sluttery sells!!!

Nuff fucking said.

ROCCO'S TRUE ANAL STORIES #22

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" BUSTED NUTS

On viewing ROCCO'S INITIATIONS #8, I was lamenting the inclusion of a mere FOUR scenes. Well, this flick, a victim of some sort of porn embargo on excess, has got THREE. And ROCCO himself doesn't even show up until... let's just check this... 1:37 into the movie.

That's hours and minutes, not minutes and seconds.

Maybe it's a boredom thing. Producing TRUE ANAL STORIES #22 surely can't be as thrilling as making, for instance, #1. Or, to speculate, #2. Or, at a gasp, #5.

HOLY FUCKING MOLY: IT'S BOND, TERA BOND. AND OUR PRESENTLY ERECT COCKS.

Or maybe it's a budget thing. Keeping himself equipped in those pristine Dolce & Gabbana underpants might finally be taking its toll.

Whatever it is, it's a far cry from the line-'em-up, fuck-'em-all days of ROCCO's mid-90s peak: NEVER SAY NEVER TO ROCCO SIFFREDI, etched on my mind as the Greatest Porno Ever Made. That had so many scenes, so much action, and MONIQUE COVET guzzling cum like a parched camel.

Still, despite my groaning, the fucking here is fucking good.

The set-ups are cool. There's a shed full of tractor engines. Two girls pee their panties. There's an old coot playing an accordion. There's sex in the rain. There's Euro-whores who always fuck dirtier than their American counterparts. There's rimjobs galore: female on male, female on female...the best kinds.

Plus there's the great ROCCO random factor: the action unfolds unexpectedly.
There's all that but, ahh, there's not enough ROCCO. -- MR. XTRA

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ASS FREAKS #2

West Coast Productions

Rating: 3.8 "Help I've Fallen & I Can't Get Up" BUSTED NUTS

You ever see old people inching along the street with those walkers? You know the ones I’m talking about. Those plastic thingies that are about waist high and have two wheels in front and two legs in back. The funny part about these walkers is that every one of them has tennis balls attached to the bottoms of the back legs. These tennis balls are not standard issue. They’re all put there by the old people’s respective retirement home staff for god knows what reason. To keep the old timers from sliding into the Bingo table? We can't fathom any more reasonable guess than that.

ALLYSIN CHAYNES, DESPITE A FROSTY DEMEANOR & A PENCHANT FOR BAD HEAVY METAL, IS SHOWN HERE, IN HIGHLY RELIABLE TERMS, DISPLAYING EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF ASS FREAK SHE IS.

Well, porn chicks are like these walkers. Except instead of tennis balls, we’re talking about the big ass “fuck me” pumps that look so good on girls in these videos. Like, they look even MORE naked with nothing but those shoes on than they do with nothing on at all.

The makers of ASS FREAKS #2 understand this. So, not only do all the girls in this DVD adhere to the doctrine of ass loving (and look good doing it), but they’ve got the right attachments, too. -- STEELY ROB

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ROCCO'S TRUE ANAL STORIES #21

Evil Angel

Rating: 3.8 "Euro Ass Whores Rock!" BUSTED NUTS

Folks over at THE EVIL EMPIRE sure as fuck gotta clue as to what needs to be done when making a major motion picture designed expressly for luring copious amounts of semen out my stingy and witholding cock. I mean off the top of my head I can't think of one fucking thing they've ever done that totally sucks. With the possible exception of their stunning failures to include any of the SKULLGAME staff in their fuck flix. Outside of that? No.

ANASTASIA CHRIST. NO RELATION.

So, needless to say, when I got this flick in the mail it was like a little unexpected treat. You know, the kind of treat like finding coke caked to your credit card after a hard night of caking coke to your credit card.

But every broad in this flick is a real piece of top-notch, top-draft-pick fuck meat. Like a Real Doll but without all of the wearisome clean up time afterward.

Complete with naked bitches playing violin and riding horses, Rocco attempts to bring a whole new kind of class to the genre of sucking dicks and getting holes poled and punished.

Yet strangely, somehow, all of this is lost and forgotten in the barrage of Euro slut cum gurgling, asshole stretching and the oceans of lotion splashing from my pipe.

Go ahead and pick this shit up. -- HABIB

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STACK 'EM DEEP

Acid Rain

Rating: FIVE "It's Fucking Like This That Makes Fucking Worthwhile" BUSTED NUTS

Jesus Fucking Christ. Jesus Fucking Christ. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Oooo....Now say that to yourself 400 more times and you'll get a good goddamned sense of what the fuck exactly we're going through over here.

I mean what with the shakes, interrupted by the occasional fucking felony, and topped with the overwhelmingly peaked desire to kill yourself.

What makes a man start fires?

What's black and white and red all over?

What the fuck am I talking about?

AVA, A CHAINSAW OF FUCKANTUAN PROPORTION, GETS HER DAILY DOSE OF DUCK SAUCE

Here's your goddamned answer: STACK EM' DEEP (yeah, they put the apostrophe in the wrong place).

Expecting at best some porn by number nut buster, and perhaps being unrealistically softened by what seems like weeks of vintage viewing, I was like lottery ticket surprised at Acid Rain actually making meat from the maxim we're number 8, so we try harder. Filmed like lunatics learned how to film and DID SO, this flick is ART with a capital ASSFUCK. This flick is like what gets filmed when nobody knows you're filming. This flick, with the exception of the overlong LYLA LEI scene, is the functional equivalent of a nice, big, fat rail of meth.

That is to say, mind-roastingly great.

Now will one of youse get SIMONE, AVA DEVINE, LAUREN PHOENIX and EMILY DAVINCI on the phone. We need to interview them, um, about, you know, stuff.--VINNIE ROSE

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HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH!!! SKULLGAME CELEBRATES THE JEWISH DAY OF HOPING THAT GOD TOTALLY FUCKING IGNORES US SINCE WHEN HE PAYS ATTENTION TO US THINGS DON'T GO SO GOOD. PLUS: SHARON STONE STONED & TONY TEDESCHI REAMED

Here at SKULLGAME, where tolerance is the watchword, we are glad to be able to honor the wide variety of religious and cultural, what's the word? Freaks? Yeah, freaks to do whatever fucking weird thing they want to in God's Green country. We celebrated the Mexican religious holiday of CINCO DE MAYO just about 12 days ago. Black history month last month when we ran the KOBE "I LOVE WHITE WOMEN" BRYANT I LOVE WHITE WOMEN issue. And now we're doffing a yarmulke to our Jew brethren. So Happy Fucking Rosh Hashanah and good luck. Because if history is any indicator you're going to need it.

SKULLGAME EDITOR ENGLISH BOBSTEIN BLOWING THE SHOFAR

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: SOCIAL SECURITY RECEIVING PORN STAR TONY TEDESCHI GETS A CALL...

I'VE FALLEN...AND I CAN'T GET IT UP. TONY TEDESCHI RECEIVING IMMEDIATE MOUTH TO COCK RESUSCITATION FROM A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH A HAND UP HER CRANK

The following is the transcript of my interview with porn icon, or pornicon, TONY TEDESCHI. Sit back, relax and strap in for a creepy ride.

Sal: Hi there Tony, how goes it?

Tony: Good, I’m doing really well.

Sal: So your hip heeled up well?

Tony: What?

Sal: Did you make a trip to the Liberty Bell?

Tony: ummmm…No?

"I'M WALKING HEAH...CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WALKING HEAH!!!" TONY PREPARING FOR HIS ROLE IN THE SUMMER STOCK PLAYER'S PRODUCTION OF MIDNIGHT COWBOY'S RATSO RIZZO

Sal: Cool, cool. Since you're kind of super creepy and all we are going to play a game called: “Who’s Who, Who’s Not A Jew.”

Tony: What!?!

Sal: “Who’s Who, Who’s Not A Jew.”

Tony: I don’t want to play any game like that.

Sal: Okay fair enough, how bout “Gay or European?” I show you pictures of super fruity looking guys and you say whether they are gay or European, bonus points if you can determine what country the fruity looking bastard's from.

Tony: I can’t play that game…

Sal: So then “Who’s Who, Who’s Not A Jew,” it is. ROBERT LOMBARD: Jew or not a Jew?

Tony: I can’t do this; I have to work in this town.

Sal: SO! You're saying the Jews control Hollywood?

Tony: No! Please stop, this is INSANE!

Sal: Okay, I am going say that you said yes, YES. HARRY WEISS of KSEX Radio: Jew or not a Jew?

Tony: [Dial tone]

Sal: Hello, hello! I guess that means Jew. Thank YOU. Ladies and Gentlemen, that was TONY TEDESCHI, celebrated porn anti-semite. Let's give him a round of applause for leaving before we got to the lightening round.

KNOWN SKULLGAME ASSOCIATE SAL TEODORO DEFENSE FUND IN FULL PLEDGE DRIVE SWEEP

MR. TEODORO AND HIS ANGELS OF MERCY

ELMWOOD PARK, N.J. (SkullGame) -- SKULLGAME associate and political prisoner, SALVATORE TEODORO (no relation to ITALIAN SAL) has recently been arrested for helping the poor, unwashed, and huddled masses of gamblers to collect their winnings in something other than the rooted evil of filthy lucre. Yes, this selfless giant let them collect their winnings in sex.

The Grand Inquisitor of this Spanish Inquisition launched against our friend, Police Chief Don Ingrasselino said, in a non-oath bonded testimony that Salvatore Teodoro used prostitutes -- two of them minors -- to deliver winnings to bettors in New Jersey, New York, Connecticut and Pennsylvania.

Teodoro, 46, is also being falsely accused of kidnapping and a variety of other charges for tying up a man he correctly suspected was a police informant and threatening to shoot him and break his legs with a baseball bat.

"He wanted this guy to believe he was going to kill him," Ingrasselino said.

Yes. Yes, he did. Because this man was clearly interfering with the good work, the good works, that Mr. Teodoro has done for touts all over the Eastern Seaboard.

He must be set goddamned FREE. Or at least released on bail. Until he pays us for our Stanley Cup haul.

Donations for our friend can be sent care of VINNIE@SKULLGAME.COM.

STONE BARES BREASTS IN INTERVIEWS AND NO ONE, WE REPEAT, NO ONE CARES

"I MEAN IF I SUCK YOUR COCK, ISN'T THAT JUST PART OF LIFE'S GREAT PAGEANT? AND NOT REALLY AN EFFORT TO REDEEM MYSELF FROM A FUTURE OF SHOWING NIPS IN SNAP-ON TOOL CATALOGS?"

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Aging starlet SHARON STONE has gone all Sunset Boulevard on us in her recent discovery of a new way of tantalizing and titillating disinterested journalists in interviews -- she wears see-through shirts and goes bra-less.

The sexy, 46-year-old EXPLOITED MOM loves to, just like her raunchy character Catherine Tramell in that movie "Basic Instinct" that was on video when most of us weren't even born yet, shock in lieu of actually offering anything significant -- and says her breast "peek-a-boo" is an effort to be "more European."

She explains, "I'm all for the European sensibility. I mean, you're a guy, and if I can see your nipples, it's no big deal. Does that mean nipples are not an erogenous zone on you? Or have you just not had a girlfriend bother to do foreplay in that direction?"

Jesus fucking Christ.

Talking sexy in an upcoming Rolling Stone interview, Stone also admits to once owning a vibrator, but "only as a party favor," and insists she has never faked an orgasm.

Sureeeeee. Say, wasn't she married to PHIL BRONSTEIN from the SF Chronicle? Yeah. We thought so.

THE BEST OF GANG BANG GIRL SERIES #6

Anabolic Digital

Rating: FOUR "It's A Bomb Ass Compilation! I Mean That's What The Kids Are Saying" BUSTED NUTS

Let's see. What have we here? A compilation of one of Anabolic Digital’s most popular series: GANG BANG GIRL. As popular as the original series was, the BEST OF GANG BANG GIRL, while still obviously a compilation (the usual vid kiss of death) has surpassed all expectations for sales and become a big-balled behemoth unto itself. Starring CAREENA COLLINS, DEBI DIAMOND and SELENA STEELE this movie gives all new meaning to the popular catchphrase "I think you got something there on your chin."

SELENA STEELE SOON TO HAVE SOMETHING ON HER CHIN

So while this is a great compilation video, the thing I found most interesting about this was the box cover claim that this was the "Special Collector's Edition." Now while I consider myself a connoisseur of porn I am not quite sure I am going to be displaying this next to the "Raiders of the Lost Ark" box set. Seriously, I am not quite sure how this makes it to "Special Collector's Edition" status: Is it cum shot per girl ratio? Probably not, since GANG BANG GIRL #35 had 21 cum shots for birthday girl ARIANA JOLLEE, all of which she takes right...in...the...mouth. Was it the all around enthusiasm that these whores show gobbling down yards and yards of cock? Not particularly, Anabolic is consistently churning out loads of product jam packed with slut ass bitches that do nothing well aside from fucking.

Then what is it? I have to honestly say that I do not know. Maybe it's just the fact that it is in fact a "Best of DVD, and you know what they say: the best of the best makes things...well, you know, the best!

Is this a buy? You best believe it!--ITALIAN SAL

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THE GANGBANG GIRL #35

Anabolic Digital

Rating: FIVE “Count Them One Two Three Four FIVE!" BUSTED NUTS

This movie is definitely one of the raunchiest of all gangbangs ever. Did I just say that? Like a gangbang could, or should, be any different. That's a party that I don't want to miss: the UNraunchy gangbang. Sounds like a Vivid title.

But I digress.

THE GANGBANG GIRL features the very game ARIANA JOLLEE taking on 21 horsecocks in honor of? Yes, her reaching the age of reason, her tender 21st Birthday. And getting thoroughly and completely fucked in each and every one of her holes in each and every way possible. This one is definitely for the record books but Guinness Book of World Records aside there is much more to this than the freak factor.

There's the freak factor PLUS because left off of the box-cover is the fact that Ariana is a female ejaculator who lets the water works flow while getting her ass blasted. Flow AND blasted, sounds like a night at NIC ANDREWS house. Add to this the fact that this gangbang wraps up with the most humiliating and stomach turningly brilliant cum shot scene that (should come with the warning “Not for the faint of heart”) that I've ever seen and we're still only halfway through.

The second scene features the phony blonde and yummy genuine redhead ASHLEY LONG and AUDREY HOLLANDER leading a tour of Anabolic Scouts of America through a wild game preserve, a tour that methodically degenerates from flirting to sexual innuendo and finally to out and out crazy outdoor gang fucking in the tradition that could only suggest that we need to go to more game preserves.

Anabolic again proves that these fucking guys, try as they might, cannot produce a bad porno movie.--ITALIAN SAL

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5 ON 1

Red Light District

Rating: 3.75555 "Here, Eat This Cock. No. Eat It Deeper" BUSTED NUTS

It's fight time ladies and gentlemen so sit down in your seats, grab your cocks and, well, if you're a broad grab the cock next to you. Um, if you're a pre-op tranny grab your own cock...uh, if you're a post-op tranny grab whatever cock comes in handy...and get ready to JACK. FIVE Negroes go head to head to head to head to head in a free-for-all, battle royale to stab, poke and choke their way to immortality. And winner takes all the free cock-throbbing, nut-busting action one can handle.

KATJA KASSIN is a textbook Hitlerian example of a thoroughbred Aryan fuck
machine. If she is what the Reich was all about, you know, white broads being fucked by mud people, well then bring that shit back, pronto!!!! Seriously, this bitch is white as apple pie.

KATJA KASSIN BEFORE SHE WENT BLACK AND, WELL, COULDN'T GO BACK

Oh and BRITNEY MADISON, why the fuck aren’t you calling me? You filthy, fucking bitch, don’t make me tell your mom what you have been up to. I'm sure she would send you away with me at any cost to keep you from these kinds of...of...of FILTHY fucking activities.

Then there is JACKIE MOORE, she of the prolapsed anus. And yes, everyone knows she is a whore. She don’t even need to suck dicks to prove it. Although we prefer that she does.

Really folks, It’s pretty self explanatory, but let me break it down for you:
white bitches getting wrecked by black cocks.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! -- HABIB

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THE TRAGIC. BUT UNDERSTANDABLE CELEBRITY ISSUE WHEREIN AN ANGRY NICK CARTER FUCKS UP PARIS HILTON FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, TEEN INJURED AT JACKO'S PAD & CHRISTIAN SLATER 86'D FROM TITTY BAR

It should be noted that while we at SKULLGAME officially don't support just any ol' kind of violence, particularly violence against women, small men, mouthy fucking dwarves or snot-nosed retards, we UNDERSTAND it. But for legal reasons at this time we just can't CONDONE it.

I AM THE PATRON SAINT OF "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO."

BACKSTREET MANBOY LOVER NICK CARTER GIVES PARIS HILTON SUCH A PINCH

RAIN? OR SEMEN? GUESS CORRECTLY AND WIN A PRIZE!!!: AN ADDLED NICK CARTER PRIOR TO HIS MEETING WITH MR. FIST

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Despite his initial appearance of a totally uncharacteristic, seemingly non-homofied equanimity, NICK CARTER, must have had a conniption fit befitting a twink with a temper: PARIS was spotted covered in mysterious cuts and bruises at a Hollywood party this weekend. The HILTON HO refused to explain her swollen lip and purple marks to concerned guests at the Concord Club, according to published reports.

AH WELL. BACK TO WORK!!!

One shocked witness says, "Paris had a huge bruise on her lip and massive marks down her arms. Whatever happened to her was obviously caused by a very enraged not-so-repressed homosexual named NICK CARTER and it looks very painful."

"At least as painful as a recently received chest tattoo that reads PARIS," huffed and puffed an anonymous source in the full blush of righteous homo indignation.

FILED UNDER: YOU'RE LUCKY THAT'S ALL YOU GOT LAID ON YOUR ASS

OH MY GOSH, TROY GOT HURT? HE FELL ON A BOTTLE, RIGHT?

ENCINO (SkullGame) -- A 15-year old boy riding an all-terrain vehicle (ATV) at MICHAEL JACKSON's Neverland Ranch was hospitalized after the vehicle had a flat tire and flipped. An attorney for the entertainer said Friday while...wait a minute...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Oh. We're sorry...The teen was airlifted from the statutory rape ranch and "is just fine, no broken bones, no internal injuries, nothing consistent with a rugged and repeated buggering...he...well, he's doing just fine," co-counsel Brian Oxman said.

The teenager was a "private" "guest" at Rancho Rapo, Oxman said. He would not release any more information about him except to say "He's doing fine and looking forward to going back to the ranch. But he's fine. No reports of any sort of sodomy, or mutual masturbation or anything of the kind and that's the important thing," said a visibly panicked Oxman.

CHRISTIAN SLATER DRINKING AGAIN: FOR GODDAMNED SURE!

OH SURE. I'LL GET OUT. WITH STRIPPERS THIS OLD IT'LL BE A GODDAMNED PLEASURE!!!

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Actor CHRISTIAN SLATER allegedly was kicked out of a London lap-dancing club on Saturday -- for being disguised as late American President RICHARD NIXON.

Promoters at Stringfellows club ordered the actor, 34, to remove the frightening rubber mask because it scared the fuck out of the dancers. Slater refused -- explaining he didn't want the press to recognize him -- so he was promptly marched out of the nightspot, reports Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper.

A club source reveals, "He was screaming at the top of his fucking lungs 'I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I, CHRISTIAN SLATER, AM WEARING A DISGUISE AS LOW PROFILE AS TRICKY DICK NIXON. SO NOW JUST LEAVE SO I CAN ENJOY MY FUCKING TITTIES IN PEACE, PLEASE.' Well, Christian is one of our favorite customers. He's not keen on being photographed going in or out but he's never resorted to fancy dress before."

ANABOLIC ASIANS

Anabolic

Rating: THREE "We Speak Asian Here" BUSTED NUTS


ANABOLIC ASIANS is a plucky tale of Far Eastern fucking on a nondescript Southern California hill, starring some cute Asian women, some not-so-cute, non-Asian men, and a whole lot of rented living room furniture.

LUCY LEE, NO RELATION TO SARA, GETTING POKED BY A PIG & LOOKING GOOD WHILE GETTING IT DONE

But the usual Asian suspects of 2003-2004 are all here. Like LUCY THAI, LUCY LEE, NAUTICA THORN and ROXY JEZEL, who, when she broke into the industry, said she hated anal. Yeah, whatever. And I hate her hating anal. Perfect then that neither of us has had to hate too long.

Oh yeah, yeah, there are also a couple of relative newcomers, KEEANI LEI being the best of them. In fact, she delivers the most scorching entertainment on this DVD, and we’re definitely NOT talking about the lame-ass karate moves.

Buttttt, while we’re on the topic of lameness, let’s talk about the guys in this movie: Mr. 7-Eleven, TONY T... didn’t you retire?

We thought it was too good to be true. Rough housing is ok, but Tony T hates women. At least that’s the way it seems in every single fucking fuck video he's in. Pair him up with super greasy, scruffy Hell’s Angel crack addict Brian Surewood, and, well, we just deserve better. I mean I, myself, know a few underemployed, large-cocked lads that are wanting for work. Just fucking ask.

So, once again, a pretty good porn flick is brought down low by the unignorable stain of most of its male actors, whose lack of imagination and frustration with that and life in general, fucks any thought of passion right out of our heads. And cocks. We watch the flicks for the chicks, for sure, so can’t we find some guys Stateside who won’t ruin it for us? -- STEELY ROB

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APESHIT: AN OFFICIAL SKULLGAME PRIMER ON APESHITTERY & JAPANESE LUNATICS

UNDER five feet tall and with a head too big for his body, Issei Sagawa makes the most unlikely of cannibals. Stepping inside his apartment, where images of Snow White and Diana, Princess of Wales, are juxtaposed with his own explicit pastel drawings and pornography, offers a better insight into his mind. He comes close to tears twice during the two hours it takes to show me his pictures of naked women with slices taken out of their buttocks and thighs. Sagawa, 55, claims that he is lonely but "when I see a woman I imagine what she tastes like."

WHORIENTAL SEX ACADEMY #8

Sin City Teen

Rating: FOUR "Ching Chong Ch-Ch-Ch-Chong" BUSTED NUTS

Harking back to the old days when porn had a storyline, this movie is part throwback, part gonzo with enough story to hold the movie together and enough fine-ass bitches fucking that you ain't bored with the mise en scene and are almost too eager to gladly squeeze a second or third one out to whatever scene, whichever slut comes next.

These are the virtues of the extended work week.

KIANNA DIOR GETS OUT OF JIZ CLASS EARLY

Filmed at what is supposed to be an all-girl's school, these bitches suck and fuck like girls that have actually BEEN to an all-girl's school. And after suck, suck, sucking their ways to 3.5 GPAs, cumulative that is, and being that there are FIVE girls it works out to about .7 each, it's clear that this is the world's BEST GODDAMNED SCHOOL EVER!!!

Anyhow, with some of these broads looking and sounding like they just stepped out of a Bangkok brothel you better believe you're going to rub your shit raw the minute you put this little taste heaven in your DVD player. Or your pants. Or whatever. Heyy...different strokes.

Did I like it?

You best believe it. Get out your lotion and your paper towels and strap in because its going to be a long and bumpy ride and along for the ride will be MIKA TAN, Roxy Jezel, EVA ANGELINA, Bamboo and KIANNA DIOR. (No relation to Christian).--ITALIAN SAL

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ME LUV U LONG TIME #6

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Mabuhay From Manila" BUSTED NUTS

First time I dated a Filipino was about two years ago. Nailed her on the second
date. In the front seat of my car. In the parking lot of a shopping mall. Pulled my cock out just in time to spray a wonderfully decorative load on her shirt. Then she got out of the car and took a piss.

Shit, those were the days.

And they still are. Not with her; I've moved on. But my cock hasn't. Mostly been banging Filipinos since. And this DVD's kinda like a treasure trove for me. Filled with the girls with the look that I -- and more specifically my cock -- like the best.

WILL SHE OR WON'T SHE? ONLY HER ANUS KNOWS

Not that they're all Filipino. The most beautiful girl here is half-Thai, half-Irish, all-fuckpig DANA VESPOLI. Covergirl NYLA THAI is Thai, obviously. And potty-mouthed squirter LILY THAI is, uhhh, what the fuck? She's Filipino. Christ, I think my brain's about to explode.

Or maybe that's just my dick: LILY'S fucking hot. She'd be my fave porn slut as of now if -- and only if -- she'd take the pork-sword in the posterior.

Also on deck are newcomers TAMI LYNN, KINA KAI, and JADE MOORE. TAMI'S the non-Fili and has the hottest scene in the movie: she gives up the ass and doesn't say dumb shit like KINA.

Despite the non-anal and saying of dumb shit, KINA does redeem herself by
looking a bit like this instructor chick at my gym. Which reminds me, yeah, I should try to bang that chick.--MR. XTRA

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SINFUL ASIANS #3

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "They're Asians, And They're Sinful" BUSTED NUTS

Last year I hooked up with this Chinese chick, 30-something from Guangdong province. She had a boobjob. A vanity boobjob. This surprised me. I remember thinking, hmmm, the porn aesthetic has reached mainland China. And it only seems like yesterday that that guy stood in front of that tank.

Ah well, at least he didn't die for nothing.

HE DIED...FOR DEMOCRACY. AND SAUSAGE SUCKING!!!

Anyways, AVA DEVINE, not Chinese, but girl four of five in this movie, has a ridiculous boobjob. Which's actually the best boobjob to have. My feeling's if a girl's gonna get 'em done, she might as well get 'em done bigger than her head.

So, good anal scenes here from freaky AVA, MIKA TAN, KATSUMI, DANA VESPOLI and, wait, NYLA THAI doesn't do anal. That loses a nut. She's not a team player. She wouldn't stand in front of a tank and spread her buttcheeks for democracy.

Best scene's MIKA. She's got a great body if you don't mind the belly fat, and she's teamed with MICHAEL STEFANO, who knows his way around a great body. Points also for KATSUMI who swallows in a non-swallow film: man-choad just seems to be part of her diet.

But back to AVA. What a fucking slut. And I mean that in the best possible way. --MR. XTRA

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IN LIKE A LAMB, OUT LIKE A LION. WITH A REAL BIG COCK

Yo Vinnie,
My husband is nice enough but my relationship with him has turned into me as Mommy and him as the always apologizing Sonny Boy. So what's my complaint? He doesn't lie, cheat or steal. He makes love to me for hours if I want. So what's my problem? What's his problem? What's our problem? Well, I'm tired of a lover and just really want a fucker. Translation: I want a lover and a fucker, what do I do?--B.L. (by email)

WHAT SHE HAS

WHAT SHE NEEDS

Dear Trapped Like a Fucking Rat in a Trap: You want the cake and you want to eat it too? You want everything and everything else? You want your sandal wearing saint of a hubbie to turn into KOBE BRYANT in bed? Look, there's going to come a time when you do something that the rest of us here on Earth call WAKING THE FUCK UP. Wolves don't become sheep, cats don't become dogs, and a pussy stays a pussy. But there's good news: the brutal men you seek won't stick around anyway. So

1) stay with the Hub,
2) fuck men like us when the mood strikes,
3) don't call us,
4) we'll call you and
5) the guilt is YOUR problem.

AH WELL. GUESS IT'S BACK TO THE ASS RAPE!

Darren Sherman lives in his 6- by 9-foot cell at the prison complex here with little hope. The corkboard is filled with photos of family and friends. But Sherman, 36, of Kelso, will never see them outside of prison. He is sentenced to life without parole for aggravated murder. Sherman has few pleasures. A box full of pornographic magazines momentarily helps him forget about his harsh reality. But today is the last day Sherman can legally keep those magazines.

THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF SECRET SLUTS (ASSS) IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS. WIIIIDDDDEEE OPEN.

WHY THE FUCK YOU THINK THEY CALL IT A BRONX CHEER?

SHE SUCKS COCK. AND WANTS THE WORLD TO KNOW. AND NOW WE DO. THANK YOU.

Rob from BRONXTAILS thinks he's fucking dreaming. He thinks he's dreaming a dream that goes something like this: women call him to fuck in his films, men call him to fuck their women in his films, women call him to be fucked by HIM in his films.

And then he wakes the fuck up and he's in The Bronx and sitting on top of the tidiest fucking amateur fuck business anybody's ever seen. You see it's like this: his "dream," our fucking "fantasy," is really a "reality." Make that REALITY, without quotes.

Rob started five years ago on EBay and today "films a new film about once a month. We just did a gangbang video last weekend."

That ain't goddamned working and yet....he's made it work. Which is especially mystifying given that AMATEUR used to be the sole province of people who'd be better off never, ever, ever taking their clothes off in public again. But alas what a difference a half a decade has made in light of the Pornification of America.

Everybody wants to fuck on film. And after having done so find that the abstraction of having a nation SEE them do so is, if anything at all: fucking TITILLATING.

Translation: If there was ever a place you're likely to find films of your ex sucking off that Puerto Rican janitor, THIS is it, goddamn it.

YOUNG RIPE MELLONS #4

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE “They Won't Look This Good In 10 Years" BUSTED NUTS

Thanks to the steadfast dog-headedness of the Reagan Administration, the days of sloppy-titted 1970’s West German porn is over. Our policy of mutually assured destruction and aggressive cost overruns has opened up the floodgates of fine Eastern European bitchery, and with that we get: Vince Vouyer’s YOUNG RIPE MELLONS #4.

Filmed in alleyways and on couches strewn across the former hotbed of political intrigue, Prague makes the perfect backdrop for the unrelenting fucking of the fine, young and newly addicted future fiends of Eastern Europe. Get them while they're hot, boys, because before you know it these fine looking bitches will be big, fat, toothless cunts.

You could just see the future fatness in that box cover girl LENKA. You could just see that 10 years down the line she is going to have some guaranteed chin, as well as nipple hair. But that’s besides the point, because right now she looks good and the way she gets double fucked by ERIK EVERHARD and JOACHIM, you're all too willing to forgive her inevitable fat future of fucking drunken American tourists and plucking hairs from her chin and swinging udders.

Is this movie all about watching hungry and hopeful future fat cunts?

Of course not. Well just a little. This movie truthfully…has extremely beautiful girls…and although they will most certainly become hogs in about 10 years, right now they are a ripe for a picking. So pick away pal.

Oh yes, you can jack off too. AFTER I leave, fer chrissakes.--ITALIAN SAL

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PHOTOGRAPHIC MAMMARIES #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Inside My Brain There Is Now A Hornet's Nest Of Pummeling Desire" BUSTED NUTS

Sure, sure. Director BRANDON IRON is a fucking SKULLGAME habitue, having been interviewed by us and all. Sure, you might be tempted to think that this would necessarily affect our decisions, what with us being ass kissers and all, right? Well if you think this you know nothing about MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME, baby.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED IN THE NAME OF ACCURACY THAT THIS FUCKING COUCH MONKEY AIN'T IN THIS MOVIE. RITA FALTOYANO, HOWEVER, MOST CERTAINLY IS.

As those have discovered who have wandered in thinking it was going to be a lot of light, flowers and kisses, the quality of HATE here is about the only thing of beauty you WILL behold. We hate you, each other and especially ourselves and so you can know, with a great deal of assurance, that when we say something is good, like PHOTOGRAPHIC MAMMARIES is, it goddamned is. Simply because, and this is the key: we'd like nothing more than for it to be bad.

But this it ain't.

EVERY SINGLE bitch in this bitch fucks like they were fucking for free. Whether it's 19-year-old KATIN, or the woman I'm resently planning on kidnapping, HALEY, or one of my present past fucking faves the Hungarian Ho, RITA FALTOYANO, the big-titted trampery that infests this vid is not only natural but naturally into the meat-beating extravaganza and are therefore, PERFECT.

Now, I'm not talking that Cosmo mag perfection, which is a load of fucking crap. But I'm talking here about SKULLGAME perfect, which is to say: there's a clear and visible shot to these broads' hearts and holes and they are 100 percent fucking present. Or faking it really, really well.

In any case, I need a goddamned nap. YOU try banging out FIVE nuts in a row. Seriously. Try it. You will have absolutely fucking no choice with this one anyway. Night, night. Actually make that, afternoon, afternoon. -- VINNIE ROSE

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PHOTOGRAPHIC MAMMARIES

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Bouncing" BUSTED NUTS

Do I need to mention that they misspelled Mammary? I mean yeah yeah, I get the Bob Hope connection and the wordplay, but Jesus Christ, do I need to mention this? Probably not. I mean if you’re that caught up in box cover verbiage then you might be watching too much porn (as if that was even possible). Or gay. And if that’s the case you should be out on some kind of porn-free, gay retreat somewhere.

Yeah, porn-free gay retreat, maybe like Utah. Or...New Jersey. Yeah, that’s it.

What was I talking about?

Ah yes, PHOTOGRAPHIC MAMMARIES.

LISA SPARKLES WITH THE REFRESHINGLY PIQUANT EAU D'COCONUT

Anyhow, this BRANDON IRON movie is D-Delicious. Jam-packed with pontoons a plenty, as well as a dash of Double Penetration, or DP, to keep the party popping. Starring recurring box cover girl AVY SCOTT, this movie also features Anita Queen, Misty, LISA SPARKLE and Jane Darling sucking, fucking and bouncing like they're trying to put the tramp back in trampoline.

So if you’re a fan of girls with big, giant, natural bouncing tits you will be a fan of this movie as it will definitely take you back in the porn time machine, circa 1970, only without the big unkempt bushes. And without Ron Jeremy, yeah he isn’t in this either, but aside from that it's just like 1970.

Oh yes, you won’t find Jimmy Carter or Kissenger in this thing either.--ITALIAN SAL

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TRANNY AND THE PROFESSOR: A LOVE STORY WITH COCK

www.beautifultranny.com

FUCK ME IN THE ASS, I'M HAVING MY PERIOD. AND A COCK.

There's nothing better than dead transsexuals! And themed porn! And themed porn with dead transsexuals. With that in mind I clicked my way on to the hottest site for transsexual lovers, BEAUTIFUL TRANNY. Clever name.

At first I got to the site though and I thought, "Hey, these women aren't bad. They're not dead but they aren't bad." But then I remembered they weren't women and then I realized that ipso facto they all had penises.

Is that the chick from Friends?!

Hey, who did the plastic surgery for these disastered lay-tays? Their penises are terrible, TERRIBLE! Believe me I know penises and theirs are terrible. AND their ball sacks are very, very misshapen. Terrible!

So if you like chicks who look plastic with weird smiles and the wrong genitals that are also horribly misshapen then this site is for you, my friend. Not only do you get that but you also get "women" in cowboy hats! Forget "CHICKS WITH DICKS." Welcome to "DUDES WITH TITS." Go to this site and you will find yourself slowly, surely and inevitably inexorably: turning gay.--DEREK GAINES

MY GIRLFRIENDS COCK #2

Red Light District

Rating: ONE "Woe Is The Tranny" BUSTED NUT

What do you do when you need to pour out your heart, instead of your cock,
because the goddamned flick you are watching is so goddamned bad that you
mistake your goddamned tissue for something other than a means to cover up a sperm cell genocide?

You complain about it to others so at least you are not the only goddamned one
pissed off!

Damn right I did.

STEELY ROB and I agree that the whole Brazilian tranny business is one big
fucking disappointment and that they need to move their asses over to Thailand. Now I've never been there myself but STEELY ROB says it is flocked with fine looking she-males, not that he ever tried one, but that's only what he says. I know better.

CAMILA DE CASTRO...PRETTY CUTE, EH? EH? C'MON. G'HEAD DO IT. I WON'T TELL NO ONE!

I mean, what else is there to do in Thailand other than fucking cute and tiny chicks with dicks?

STEELY ROB also points out that everything he says is an objective
opinion, but that only makes him seem more gay.

So I say, WOE IS THE TRANNY!

Because of bad, bad, BAD fucking judgment calls, we are stuck with some of the dodgiest and dog-looking trannys ever, instead of slim and cute-assed Thai
prince-princesses. How about that? The only thing even remotely saving this
movie from shame, where shame can be read as me and a jackhammer, is the cover girl/guy who's name I did not noticed because I was too busy wondering why the fuck I had a tissue clutched in my hand.

Honestly, am I missing something? Does the average joe-jim-bob with a love for chicks with dicks want to see...some kind of CARNIVAL FREAK SHOW, filled with creatures that would put Tod Browning's "Freaks" to shame.

Now before everyone goes off chanting "ONE OF US! ONE OF US!" let me tell you that I am fed up with this. I'm jacking a camera (instead of my fucking dick
like I'm supposed to), booking a ticket to Thailand and I'll make the goddamned
movies myself!

But before I go I need names so I can go kick some shady tranny film maker ass.--THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

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JOEY SILVERA'S BIG ASS SHE-MALE ADVENTURE ROAD TRIP #8

Elegant Angel/ The Evil Empire

Rating: FOUR "I Am Ashamed Of The Things That I've Done. I'm Ashamed Of The Person I Am" BUSTED NUTS

Putting aside the fact that JOEY SILVERA has, dare I say, a need to see his name in the title of every movie he puts out, putting aside the fact that Joey Silvera’s Portuguese banter with the stars of this movie was, how do I put this? All too comfortable? All these facts aside, fuck, I...I...got nothing to write about here.

"OH MAN. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL." YEAH. WHATEVER.

Wait, I got something:

Joey Silvera who, whether you love or hate his movies, has put together, according to the critics...the ones who are not me, the BEST She-Male series ever. I guess in the era of niche pornography you could have a stranger premise for a movie...Well probably not: Asian girls who like to get fucked in the ass while wearing boots got nothing on a movie about DUDES with TITS dressed like chicks and sporting cocks.

Featuring She-Male super star JESSICA DARLING along with TWO biological females, CHRISTIE LEE and Jessica. I guess there could be worse ways to spend your money, or for that matter, worse ways for me to spend my time rather than watch this movie.

I could perhaps stick my cock in the garbage disposal. Yeah. That'd be pretty bad. Or perhaps have dinner with TONY TEDESCHI. Or, I know, I could stick my cock in the garbage disposal WHILE having a dinner with TEDESCHI in which he goes on and on about how he's really not a day over 32.

Yes. Those would all be, clearly worse.

In closing, great video footage, great lighting, and oh the locales are just FABULOUS and just like every other Silvera movie...spectacular!!! Oh fuck! Gay again. -- ITALIAN SAL

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DAVE DIETRICH APOLOGIZES FOR DRUNKEN TRANNY STUNT!

A University of South Florida student found a drunk man passed out in her laundry room, wearing her clothes, according to a news report. When Theresa Hall arrived home Tuesday afternoon she noticed her living room and kitchen were trashed. After she called police, she searched the house and discovered the man passed out in her utility room. She also noticed that he was wearing her clothes. "He had gotten into all kinds of food in my refrigerator, drank half my liquor, made himself at home and pulled things out of my underwear drawer," Hall said

SOMETHING EXTRA #2

Red Light District

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Extra As In Extraterrestrial, Much Like Her Cock" BUSTED NUTS

With a title like this, you figure there's bound to be one of two things featured in the flick:

1) Extra huge cocks

and

2) Guys who wish they had extra huge cocks but don't and as a result
decided to scare the spunk out of manhood across the globe by getting tits
instead of extra huge cocks.

WHATEVER, DUDE. NO. I MEAN IT. VO D'BALM TRYING TO FOOL ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.  

So, uhm...

...you know, that hardly makes sense....

I that realize now. But who needs sense when there is JACKING OFF to do?

So go with the second option and you have the explanation for the title of this flick. And a scary feeling in the pit of your stomach. But WHO CARES?! There is jacking to do.

BRENDA, VO D'BALM, VANIITY: a whole slew of sluts with huge fucking blow up tits and that SOMETHING EXTRA. Cocks, that is. It's all good. DANIELLE looks good from a-far, BRENDA and VO look horrible whichever way you look at it, so
don't...AND VANIITY is quite pleasing to look at but grating on the ears.

There is also an extra feature of CARMEN, on the fucking beach...but before I continue I want to give mad props to the guy she actually fucks in her scene, the faces he pulls are PRICELESS!

SO...imagine walking down the beach, high as a motherfucking kite when SUDDENLY you are face down, mouth full of white sand (versus nostril full of white powder, I guess), you look up to see what the fuck ended your lovely strolling daze and see a hot chick (who am I kidding? CARMEN is not hot, but WHO CARES!?!). And in that same flash: the fucking hard throbbing COCK connected to it that you just tripped over...

I fucking digress, but imagine that...imagine that.

The scene continues with CARMEN on the couch, talking dirty and jacking
off. Much like I did.

Except without the fucking tits. -- THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

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SHE SAID "BLOW ME"...AND SHE MEANT IT

Evil Angel

Rating: ZERO "I'm Just Not Gay Enough...But I Tried, Dear Lord
I Tried" BUSTED NUTS

Great. Another blowjob movie. And oh, what's this? It's a TRANNY blowjob
movie. How's that for a special treat?

Trannies sucking man-dick and, for that extra fag flavor, men sucking tranny cock.

All directed by perennial SKULLGAME fave NACHO VIDAL. Jeez, I remember when he came into
porn. Banging that half-chink chick JASMINE. What the fuck happened? Did too much pussy turn him into a fruit?

Random points of interest:

1. There's a tranny domination theme to this. This manifests itself in guys being
slapped around and licking lots of tranny bunghole.

2. One of the trannies looks like SEBASTIAN BACH from Skid Row. I had
suspicions about that dude-looks-like-a-lady back in the day. Now it makes
sense. Though "18 & Life" is still the best song about a heart of stone since, uhh, "Heart of Stone."

3. This other tranny LAISA LINS is kinda cute. If you're a homo.

YOU'RE A HOMO: LAISA LINS HIDING "HER" SECRET.

4. Filmed in the butt capital of the world, Brazil. Which means you get to see a colorful assortment of thongs. And that's just the guys.

5. Maybe it's an HIV thing, but none of the cumshots are in the mouth or on the face. And there's no post-spurt sausage sucking. Odd.

6. NACHO is a true pervert. And a meticulous one. Can't fault production
values here. But at no stage did I get a hard-on. I'm not ITALIAN SAL.

7. This movie is totally gay.

So why am I viewing this? I was set up. By VINNIE ROSE. A man not unfamiliar
with The Gay Science by NIETZSCHE. Or the gay science by nature. -- MR. XTRA

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UM, FRANKS & BEANS? SAUSAGE ON A STICK? BANANA SURPRISE? WHAT IS: SKULLGAME'S ALL TRANNY ISSUE, ALEX?

SURPRISE.....MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

In a departure from our regularly scheduled fucking of celebrity ass, interracial facials, and caustic commentary on crap cinema and le esthetique du pathetique, we at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME have fallen down a freaky fucking hole BECAUSE YOU ASKED FOR IT. Yeah we read all of your letters. The question remains though: are you laughing AT us or are you laughing WITH us?--VINNIE ROSE

TWO TRANNIES, FOUR BALLS, A JUG OF WINE AND THOU

Going to the subway on 14th street in Lower Manhattan one day we saw these fucking trannies fighting. Big ol' ass-kicking fucking Puerto Rican trannies beating the shit out of each other with platform shoes. FOUR hundred pounds of fist-fighting fury in pigtails. FUCK YEAH!

And 10 years later here we are in Vegas. Different city, different trannies, different story.

"So, you want to meet my trannies?" The speaker was Robert from Digital G Entertainment.

"No no no no no no no...."

"Oh. OK. I'll bring them right over then." And so he did.

I HAVE A COCK....AND I VOTE!!!

Jesus, a close encounter with a transsexual, what does it mean? What could it mean? Exactly what it sounds like. STEELY ROB, ITALIAN SAL and CORNHOLIO stood there and drew straws and CORNHOLIO drew the first and shortest straw. And the rules of engagement were as follows: the questions should be asked NO DIFFERENTLY than they would for ANY other pornstar we ever talk to.

So here for your reading pleasure: “What Cornholio doesn’t know is…”

SkullGame: Hi. It’s very nice to meet you.

ALLANAH STARR: Thank you baby. It’s good to meet you too.

SG: Yes you are very tall. You two are probably the tallest women here today.

AS: Thank you poppy, I AM a big girl [laughing].

SG: Okay, so we have this little format we follow where we ask FIVE questions. In my hand I have two lists. One I call the red pill, the other I call the blue pill. So it's like in the Matrix. Choose!

AS: I want red.

SG: Who do you like working with best?

AS: Her. GIA DARLING.

SG: Are you saying that because she's standing here?

AS: No, not at all, I say that because she is nice and beautiful and easy to get along with.

SG:How long do you plan on staying in the industry?

AS: As long as my looks hold out, when they go. I got to get out… [Laughing]

SG: [Laughing] What will you do when you get out?

AS: Well I have a website and I have lots of content and I'm continuously adding to it.

SG: What's funnier: a monkey in a tuxedo, or a midget?

AS: [Laughing] Ah, a monkey in a tuxedo. I have to give the PC answer to that one.

SG: [CORNHOLIO stares at this question for a long time before finally speaking] How...much...would they have to pay you to make a movie with me?

AS: TEN DOLLARS!

STEELY ROB & ITALIAN SAL: WE'LLL GIVE YOU $20!!!!

SG: [CORNHOLIO stares at them for like a minute until it gets uncomfortably quiet] Now if you could have a maxed out Visa or a Meth habit, which would you have?

AS: Oh, it would have to be the maxed out Visa.

SG:Gotdamn...We can’t get anyone to choose the Meth habit. Thank you so much for you time. [CORNHOLIO now turning his attention to the other statuesque Amazonian beauty] So now it’s your turn; your friend picked red so that leaves you with blue. Are you ready?

AND THEN YOU WOKE UP

GIA DARLING: Yes.

SG: If you had to give money to some bullshit charity, which would it be?

GD: That’s easy. I would give money to PETA.

SG: Ah, good answer. So you don’t wear any leather or eat meat or anything like that?

GD: Oh no, I am not a fanatic or anything like that. I just think that they do really important work and that’s the charity I would donate money to.

SG: If you were in a band which instrument would you play?

GD: If I were in a band I would play the Piano, because I like to use my hands. [Laughing]

ITALIAN SAL LOOKING LIKE A MAN WHO WON A BET

SG: Shrimp fried rice or Pork fried rice?

GD: That’s an easy one too. I'm allergic to shrimp so it would have to be pork fried rice.

SG:Where are you staying in Vegas?

GD: [winking at Cornholio] I am at the Venetian…

SG: Hitler: misunderstood?

GD: [Laughing] Why couldn’t I get the Midget and the Monkey question? I don’t know, I guess everyone is sort of misunderstood in one way or another. My answer is a monkey in a tuxedo.

MR. T IN A TELEVISED RANT TO BRITNEY SPEARS: J'ACCUSE!!!!

"SHE'S SPORTING A SAUSAGE AS SURE AS MY FIRST NAME IS MR."

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- In a lather over the recent announcement that IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ would be playing his signature role in the soon-to-be-made version of THE A TEAM: THE MOVIE, the erstwhile MR. T went on a televised rant wherein he not only lashed out at IRON MIKE in a profanity-laced diatribe but heaped abuse and accusations of transsexualism on pop performer BRITNEY SPEARS.

"A SET OF TEABAGS BIGGER THAN MINE!?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO?!?!?!" NOTE: CORNHOLIO OFFERING MS. SPEARS A HELPING HAND.

A spokesman for Ms. Spears was baffled at the outburst and refused to either confirm or deny a Spearsian set of stones.

TWIN VOLCANOS ON BOOB ISLAND

Big Top Video

Rating: FOUR "Aghhh....Her Krakatoa!!!" BUSTED NUTS

WILD BILL's got me. I admit I was slow to come around what with having taste and all.

"HER KIDS WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY." KIDS?!?! HER FUCKING ENTIRE VILLAGE WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY!!!

But that was months ago that I dove deep, deep, deep into the capacious bosom of Big Top video and since then, since that hallucinatory ride into explosive mammary action on a budget that would be doing shoestrings a disservice to call them shoestring, I have come around.

This flick is not only genius. It's jerk off genius.

By which such I means that I got my cock out and went to town on this threadbare of all threadbare concepts: colossal cupped TWIN VOLCANOES is out and about, and we really mean OUT and ABOUT, on fucking BOOB ISLAND. Forget that BOOB ISLAND is really just the same ol' living room you saw in HUGE LADIES #3, also known as WILD BILL's living room. Also known as a couch against a wall in a trailer.

Forget about that.

It'll be easy. It'll be easy because TWIN has got her chest-mounted midgets working and they're working on YOU, goddamn it. Or at least me.

So yeah, I dug this movie.

And I am ashamed of the things that I've done. I am ashamed of the person I am.

But HOT DAMN, she gots some big ass tay tays. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/boobisland.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

PREGNANT SEX PARTIES #2

Alexandros

Rating: FIVE I Shoulda Wore a Rubber or a Fake Name BUSTED NUTS For All the Wrong Reasons

What could be worse than Pregnant Sex Parties #1?

Well, obviously the sequel, I mean this is not Star Wars and that damned sure ain't The Empire Strikes Back.

But with that, you HAVE to buy this movie. It’s that fucking bad. Laughable bad. And the girls in this? Well, evidently, nasty whores get pregnant too. Listen, I know about the inherent beauty in a woman with child. I know this. I also know that no one needs to see the ankles and the swollen feet on these two heifers. So, again: BUY THIS MOVIE!

You want to see the panicked look on the poor slobs that had to fuck these cows? BUY THIS MOVIE! You want to see the stink of desperation while these guys try as hard as they can to get some semblance of wood? BUY THIS MOVIE! If you are depressed this movie will make your life look that much better, because as bad as your life is, you don’t have to fuck these pigs. BUY THIS MOVIE!

If anything ever deserved a 5 for all the wrong reasons this movie does. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you get a vasectomy. BUY THIS MOVIE!--ITALIAN SAL

Buy the DVD or VoD

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/53096.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NEWSFLASH: SKULLGAME'S ITALIAN SAL WANDERS OFF. TURNS UP IN FUCKING FALLUJAH WHERE HE INTERVIEWS ENVOY RICHARD BUTLER AND ANSWERS SEX QUESTIONS FROM THE LOVELORN; AND IN OUR CELEBRITY NEWS: NAKED NICOLE KIDMAN FUCKING KIDDING HERSELF. AGAIN.

There had been concern. SKULLGAME stalwart ITALIAN SAL had gone missing and confusion reigned. Well today we received our first communication. Flying into Kuwait and moving over land into Iraq, Sal, motivated by "patriotism and, um, truth. And belief in something greater than fucking WENDY'S," will send back reports insofar as is possible. We wish him godspeed and hope you, dear fucking reader, will manage this totally NON-porn related issue with as much respect and deference as is usual for any and all readers of SKULLGAME.

ITALIAN SAL. IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO HIS DEPARTURE. IN A PENSIVE MOOD. AT WENDY'S

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO...AROUND THE WORLD IN 20 MINUTES

A PICTURE SAL EMAILED BACK WITH CAPTION: "PEACE CORPS DESERT SLUTS IN KUWAIT. I ENCOURAGED THEM TO TRAVEL WITH ME TO FALLUJAH. THEY DECLINED. LESBIANS."

BAGHDAD (SkullGame) -- Across Baghdad’s Sadr City Slum the most interesting form of bureaucracy has sprung up like a mushroom after a rainfall. Career bureaucrats from social welfare states like Canada and Britain have joined forces with the now defunct Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP) to bring forth the first ever Suicide Bomber Center for Unemployment Benefits and Stuff (SBCUB & S).

"The SBCUB & S has come about not one second too soon" according to Socialist Lunatic Envoy Richard Butler of Great Britain who is one of the two dozen or so staff persons across Sadr City. Butler goes on to say, "at a time when one in three suicide bombers in Iraq is either unemployed or underemployed the fate of suicide bombers here in Iraq and across the region for that matter is at crisis level."

"WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

Doling out weekly checks of up to 200 WBs, or whiz bangs, equal to about 175 TS, or twiddle snicks, suicide bombers are given vocational training, like procuring C4 laden vests and choosing targets, as well as sprucing up ones resume, for example having it tattooed on the inside of their colon in the eventuality that their chosen profession doesn’t work out exactly as planned… or exactly as planned, depending on how you look at it.

Mahmood Abbas a former member of the PFLP and now a regional director of SBCUB & S claims that after receiving unemployment benefits 97.9% reenter the work force…of blowing themselves inside out that is. “We have a very high success ratio here, we are very proud, after finding work as suicide bombers we never see them back here again. Well…except for that one guy. His sphincter landed right where you’re sitting…come to think of it, he had one hell of a resume.”

Transcription of an exchange between Richard Butler and Abdul Aquazay:

ABDUL AQUAZAY: A HOPEFUL AND HOPEFULLY SUCCESSFULLY SUICIDAL BOMBER AND CLIENT

Richard Butler: Abdul, how are you my friend?

Abdul Aquazay: Pretty good Mr. Butler, sir. Thank you for those tickets to "Moving Out." I love Billy Joel. I almost had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack. Ha ha ha ha!

RB: Ha ha ha ha! Abdul, God you are a killer. You are so funny, you're killing me. But getting back to business. You know that this week is your last week of Suicide Bomber Unemployment Benefits?

AA: Yes Mr. Butler.

RB: As long as you understand that if you don’t get a job this week you will have to reapply. Now that we have gotten that out of the way, have you tried to blow yourself up yesterday?

AA: Well…Yes and no, I got to the checkpoint and was turned away.

RB: Okay… Will you be blowing yourself up today?

AA: Oh yes sir, I plan to blow myself up right after I go to see "Mamma Mia" in Baquoba. I love ABBA!

RB: If you fail to blow yourself up today, do you plan to blow yourself up tomorrow?

AA: Today or tomorrow, definitely. I have tickets tomorrow for "The Lion King". So, definitely after that, but the solo by Simba, man…it will literally blow you away.

In the seedy slums of Sadr City amongst desks cluttered with paper work and tickets to off-off-Broadway shows, a new form of bureaucrat has carved out a niche in a booming market. The Suicide Bomber Center for Unemployment Benefits…& stuff.

NICOLE KIDMAN GAMBLING ON TOM CRUISE'S NON-GAYNESS

IF HE WAS GAY WOULD HAVE TURNED AWAY THIS?!?!

LA-LA-LAND (SkullGame) -- Movie superstar, Scientologist and Flat Earth Society delegate NICOLE KIDMAN reportedly dumped lover of every vagina he's ever met, LENNY KRAVITZ, when ex-husband TOM "NO WAY AM I GAY" CRUISE became single again -- hoping they could rekindle their famous, sexually uncomfortable marriage.

According to inside sources who requested that we not mention that they are named MARCH MCCOLL, the Oscar-winning actress still hankers after Cruise, and was given fresh hope when he split from his last beard, the duped PENELOPE CRUZ in January.

Marsh explains, "Nicole refused to commit to the relationship because she was sure Tom would come back to her." However, Kravitz still hopes to build a future with the beauty who he describes as "that skinny white broad."

March adds, "He's hoping that as time passes she will put the pain of divorce behind her and he'll have a chance to start over all again with trying to fuck all of her friends and whatnot."

SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.

DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": My Girlfriend is in Iraq; she has been out there for about six months and will probably be there for 18 more. Anyhow, she tells me that I should not have any kind of pornography because she considers it cheating and that if I love her I will be willing to wait. Please help.--No Touchy

HERE HE IS GUILTILY REPLACING THE CAP ON A TUBE OF LOTION. FOR HER?!?! UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE.

DEAR ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER: Oh help, help me, Ooooooooo. What are you fucking kidding me? Oh no, I’m not allowed to touch my pee pee like that. Let me tell you something pal, I don’t subscribe to that whole, “If you love me you won’t do this or that” school of thought. If you’re going to let this broad control you from half a world away, you might as well put on a pair of silky panties and call yourself Susan. If not, well we sell all kinds of videos here on SKULLGAME. Buy one and jack away pal. If you ask me, it’s the only possible way you could redeem yourself as a man.

Well…Come to think of it…

You’re fucked.

SHAVING GRANNY'S PRIVATES

Filmco

Rating: FOUR "What A Nice Big Ass You Have Grandma" BUSTED NUTS

Fuck you.

I know that you think you know everything there is to know about me. And I know that you think you know that when I gain praise for something like this or even TWIN VOLCANOES ON BOOB ISLAND that I'm involved in the aggressive exercise of REVERSE RIDICULE because how could a fucking man as MONEY as me seriously really seriously be serious about shit that's purely and totally almost produced as a goof?

"OH BOBBY...THIS IS ALL SO SUDDEN. BUT SURELY I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR, UM, OLDER SISTER. AND WHAT ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND I'M SURE ALL OF THOSE YOUNG GIRLS YOU HANG AROUND WITH ARE"......UNTO INFINITY......

But see that's waaaaayyyy too much fucking thinking for youse. Too much thinking for thems that ain't used to thinking is a dangerous thing. Because the reality of it is: fucking hot bitches are a dime a dozen. Especially if you bang as many of them as I do. Like JIMMY PAGE after awhile you don't want the hot groupies. After awhile you want the waitress who hates you. Or in this case hot fucking GRANNYS.

I mean these broads are like water. All around and damned near invisible because everybody's chasing 19-year olds. But not me. Not all the time at least. Because there ain't no kind of pussy like the pussy of some broad what's worried about whether she's still got it or not. They fuck like their pussies are on fire.

And to have a whoooollleee video of it? Fucking heaven..."Oh my god...she's old enough to be somebody's grandmother!!!"

Exfuckingactly. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/76999.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

AIN'T THAT A HOOT? PERV DOES SOMETHING PERVY.

A man who worked for the Atlanta-based Hooters restaurant chain, known for its scantily clad waitresses, is facing bullshit charges of secretly videotaping job candidates while they changed into uniforms. Political prisoner Juan Aponte, 32, was arrested Friday for investigation of secretly recording and photographing nearly 200 women and girls, ages 17 to 25, between November and February when they applied for work at a Hooters restaurant that was under construction, police said.

Huge Ladies

Big Top
Rating: 4 Busted Nuts for Totally Inappropriate Reasons

There we were perched on the edge of Dave “I’m Not a Drug Dealer’s” Bed with his eye droppers full of acid poised over our open mouths. We had paid for three hits of purple microdot and there was ol’ Dave counting them out:

One.
Two.
And as balky eye-droppers will sometimes do:
Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine
And finally number 10.

That would be 10 fucking hits of purple microdot.

Dave looks shocked for a second, the total mind-numbing ramifications of what had just happened were not even lost on an acidhead like him, and says without missing a beat:

“Well I won’t charge you for those.”

The fuck he didn’t. And so it was 4 days later that dogs finally stopped talking to us, our eyes could see something other than that giant purple ouija board in the sky and we could answer yes and no to basic questions.

It was a bumpy fucking ride.

Much like this totally hallucinatory fucking DVD.

“Huge Ladies 3” is the most mind-roastingly fucking bizarre thing we’ve seen in a long time. And not bizarre as in people eating shit, fucking dogs or dancing with midgets but in almost every other imaginable way possible from the 250 pounder dancing to Dueling Banjos and complaining about her underwear to a hayseed that resembles Alfalfa from the Lil Rascals fucking some kilt sporting monster truck titted broad to even our host, Texas Chainsaw Massacre Uncle Harry himself.

Big fat ol’ beasts daring to be fat (I love you fat broads…really I do…273 pounds of pussy sounds A-OK to me), overall-sporting Uncle Harry and shot on film stock dredged up from 1969. Genius. Sheer unadulterated genius. I was fucking SPELLBOUND. MY cock was ASLEEP but I was fucking spellbound. Buy it. But don’t say we didn’t try to warn youse.—Vinnie Rose

Buy the DVD or Video

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/118570.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BLOWJOBBING IS NOT A CRIME

The second of two former West Port High School students accused of engaging in a sex act in a classroom was convicted of a third-degree felony charge Friday. Circuit Judge Carven D. Angel found the boy guilty in a nonjury trial of lewd and lascivious exhibition. The boy and a female student were charged after the girl allegedly performed oral sex on the boy in a darkened classroom on Jan. 30 while a substitute teacher showed a film.

THE SKULLGAME QUESTION OF THE WEEK: WHAT'S MORE ADMISSIBLE IN A STATE OF TOTAL DRUNKENESS: MURDERING YOUR BEST FRIEND, FUCKING HIS GIRL, MURDERING HIS GIRL AND FUCKING HIM OR BONING CONDOLEEZA RICE?

Why do we ask? Oh. Um. No special reason.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY "HEY HO YAYO!" IT PICKS YOU UP WHILE IT TWEAKS YOU THE FUCK OUT & SKULLGAME: ASK ABOUT OUR DOUBLE TEAM SPECIAL!!!

ITALIAN SAL: MURDERING BEST FRIEND THEN FUCKING GIRL.

SAL WELL ON HIS WAY TO FUCKING THE GIRL

"You see since fucking CONDOLEEZA RICE would be like fucking your best friend, I'm going to have to go with the murder-sex. Why is fucking CONDOLEEZA RICE like fucking your best friend? Well they're both men, right?"

AND INTRODUCING THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE SKULLGAME FAMILY, RETRO-NAZI AND HOST OF THE ENTER THE 4TH REICH TV SHOW, OUR FAVORITE NAUGHTY NAZI: HEINRICH!!!!

HEINRICH, PICTURED HERE WITH ONE OF HIS CONSCRIPTED POLISH LABORERS, AFTER DOING "PUSH UPS" TOGETHER

"First of all I vood never be drinken because I worship my body as a temple, jah? However, if I had maybe a few too many Mueller High Life 40s, I'd kill the bitch and fuck my friend. Because it is the most manly thing to do. As for CONDOLEEZA RICE, well she is mudperson, foot soldier of the Zionist world government for whom extermination is too kind of a word."

THE DOCTOR: JUST TRYIN' TO GODDAMN ESPLAIN SOMETHING

I WASN'T RUNNING AWAY!!!! I WAS JUST GOING TO THE CAR TO GET MY SMOKES...

"I take C even though C is really just close to what the real answer is. The real answer would be to: murder your best friend's girlfriend then you murder your best friend, take your business card, stick it to your forehead with sticky tape and then have sex with your best friend's dog live on the Internet. Anything else is just a sign to me that you're not drunk enough."

CORNHOLIO: IS THERE SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE WHO SPEAKS JAMES BROWN?

WHEN A CAR ANTENNA IS OUT OF THE QUESTION SOMETIME A .357 WILL JUST HAVE TO DO

"Dig. I'm gonna have to go for boning the sister. Now I know from KOBE that CONDI cleans carpet like a Haitian janitor but you see this is an extra added bit of flavoring that I like. Sorta like tabasco sauce on ribs. Because I sees that she don't dig dick AND she knows I don't dig her but excepting she don't dig dick. So it's like a hat trick. Except hat tricks come in threes, right? OK. Well number 3 would be when I run the pics on SKULLGAME."

STEELY ROB: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE

A CERTS ENCOUNTER OF THE THIRD FUCKING KIND

"I'm going to take 2 and D. That is fucking his girl AND fucking CONDOLEEZA RICE. Why? Because she's famous. And has a nice ass. For a 53-year old lesbian."

FRED FLINTSTONE: YABBA DABBA FUCKING DOO

NO BOWLING FOR ME TONIGHT BARNEY...I'M JUST GONNA STAY IN. WATCH A LITTLE TV...YOU KNOW...."

"Since I'm yabba dabba fucking drunk right now I'll tell you what I'd do: Betty."

PERRY THE GREEK: SAUSAGES ARE AMERICA'S FAVORITE HEALTH FOOD!!!

I'D SUGGEST YOU TAKE THE, UH, ONE IN THE MIDDLE

"I'd fuck the girl, murder her turkish boyfriend, my best friend, and then pop Rice one for good luck and then one to keep her quiet about the arms for cocaine deal I cooked up with the Syrians, which if anyone asks, and I'm not saying they will, was a cover for the Portugal connects...wait, what was the question again?"

TOOT SWEET AND HER "FRIEND"

IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT VINNIE MADE ME TAKE THIS PICTURE. FOR HIS OWN SORDID AMUSEMENTS. AND AMERICA'S.

"Fucking his girlfriend, especially if she's hot, is totally admissible. As is crashing the car. Scoring crack. And fucking VINNIE ROSE. These are all, it seems, sadly admissible. Sigh.

AND A FINAL FUCKING NOTICE.....
SKULLGAME and VINNIE ROSE are coming to a TOWN NEAR YOU. Between October 4th-20th, we will be doing what we do best: chasing pussy and being roadies for our favorite group of all time, OXBOW. The secret password is TEAMING UP FOR GODDAMNED AMERICA. Oh yeah, ITALIAN SAL and LITTLE JOE are holding down the fort in our absence. Bring drugs.

IT'S FULL ON ACOUSTIC GAYNESS. SO YOU CAN BRING YOUR WOMEN TOO. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HERE. NOTHING LIKE DV CAMERAS AND POCKETFULS OF E. NOPE. NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL.

10/04/04 Sabala's Portland OR
10/05/04 Graceland Seattle WA
10/07/04 15th St. Tavern Denver CO
10/08/04 Replay Lounge Lawrence KS
10/09/04 Big V's St. Paul MN
10/10/04 High Noon Saloon Madison WI
10/11/04 The Note Chicago IL
10/12/04 Mac's Bar Lansing MI
10/13/04 Comet Bar Cincinnati OH
10/14/04 Nyabinghi Youngstown OH
10/15/04 Broadway Joe's Buffalo NY
10/16/04 The Space Portland ME
10/17/04 The Warehouse Washington DC
10/18/04 Sidebar Tavern Baltimore MD
10/19/04 North Six Brooklyn NY

TEANNA KAI'S CLUB HOUSE

Teanna's Club House rivals the

Honeycomb Hideout for pussyfication.

205620

blackhole_87

QUICK CATWOMAN...GET BATMAN ON

THE BLOWER!!!

JOY from SPACE INVADERZ

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=78385

BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP

YO VINNIE,
I have a large penis. Not happy large. Large so women refuse me sex. I've learned to satisfy myself with sheep at the facility where I work. But this can't last forever. Ways for me to use surgery to reduce it? Oh. And here's a photo of me with a sheep so you know I'm joking not. -- G.F. (by email)

OK. SEE. NOW, UM, I JUST REMEMBERED: I'M NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING ON TUESDAYS, YOU SEE AND, UM....

Dear Farmer John: Jesus. Jesus H. Christ on a Crutch. How the fuck did you find us? Listen, we just answer the simple questions. Like the ones regarding dudes who want to fuck their dude's old lady because she's a whore but feels weird asking. You know, the basics. Like whether or not you should drink piss on the first date (short answer: only if it's mine). But this shit...OK, listen, there IS some surgery that could be done on ANY body part but what we are never told is that the COCK is a miracle of modern engineering and fucking with it is inviting horrible, horrible possible repercussions.

So our suggestion? Let us pass on the email addresses of the ho's with cavernous cooze's and hope that you can make a love match.

Oh. And one last thing: NEVER SEND US ANY MORE PICTURES OF YOU FUCKING SHEEP. You degenerate motherfucker, you.

THE BEST NATURAL BUSTY BEAUTIES

Private

Rating: THREE "Big, Bouncy, Meat & Fuckworthy" BUSTED NUTS

It might seem that this one is maybe not so cynically geared for a, um, target audience. You LIKE big tits? Well, then goddamnit, you’ll like this because in reality you'll like any old thing with Big and Tits in the same fucking sentence. But for the rest of us, perhaps a more discriminating audience, there’s good big and bad big. The stuff found on this compilation, thank God, is good big. That is to say, good as measured by shape and firmness, multiplied by size.

Whew.

NORWEGIAN DINA JEWEL WITH A SMALL LAPDOG BETWEEN HER LEGS

Essential big tit goddesses abound, led by DINA JEWEL; JANE DARLING, JUDITH FOX and RITA FALTOYANO aren’t anything to sneer at, either.

Speaking of Faltoyano, it’s kind of retarded that Private chose to use her scene from “NO FUN, NO SUN.” That movie is creepy, man. Like, it’s her at the beginning of her career, but she looks OLD. Shrivelled like. Like a METALLICA video. And her boobs look kinda like they’ve been popped. Since then, though, her boobs have became more full, but not like fake tits-full. Like I'm Always Pregnant Full. Bloody weird. Can we get a before and after shot on this one?

Oh yeah, one other little downside: the overlap of scenes in these Private Best Ofs. The super hot scene with MYLI, good as it is, is also on the ALL SEX #1 DVD. Note to Private: make up a huge fucking clipboard of scenes that go into the best ofs, and check them off.

You're welcome.-- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/217147.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BROWN SUGA

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: ONE "Bitch, Don't You Got Enough Sense To Put A Paper Bag Over THAT FACE" BUSTED NUTS

This shit was gonna get 12 busted nuts just because ASHLEY FOX is such a fine piece of ghetto hooch, but then big, ol' mangled grill SAMIA had to roll up in the mix with a face lookin' like crumpled toilet paper. For reals, I was all gung-ho about this shit 'til the second broad turned up out of whatever dumpster she crawled out of.

After that I was too scared to watch any more.

ASHLEY FOX ON VACATION IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE

What I'm saying is: CHERRY BOXXX should have put this bitch in the vault until they start shooting footage for Ugly CrackWhores Who'll Steal Your Wallet.

But, you may fucking ask, why can't I use ASHLEY FOX to even out this review to a respectable TWO NUTS and a LUMP, aka, 2.5? Well because these geniuses decided, to put the horse-faced bitch SECOND. Think about it: you work up a good hard-on. I mean a GOOD one to the ASHLEY scene. The kind that causes you to fear neighbors and sudden unannounced visitors. I mean this fucking thing ain't going away. And then out of nowhere a face looking like like your grandmother's dirty asshole is staring you right...in...the fucking eye.

Here's some kind words of advice: Next time put the ugly crackhead last! Like, long, long after I've shot my load.

I love me a freak show and all, but not when I'm tryin' to jack. -- HABIB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/206217.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

PRIVATE ALL SEX #1

Private

Rating: FOUR "Absolutely Fucking Famished" BUSTED NUTS

Look, dude, you gotta eat.

I mean, you can’t blow all your money on porn. Oh yeah, AND blow. Damned if you ain't lookin’ kinda ragged. Seriously. If you’re gonna be stayin’ up late jerking off, the least you should have is PROPER nutrition.

TAKING TWO DICKS BEFORE CALLING US IN THE MORNING, KATJA KEAN POWERS UP FOR A FULL DAY OF...SUCKING MORE COCK

So here’s the plan: Make the next seven days porn abstinence week. Or, rather, take half of what you might spend for one fuck flick DVD and spend it on PRIVATE’S ALL SEX #1.

OK, OK, we know four hour compilations are often really lame. There’s no denyin’. But this one is pretty damn great. A bunch of really hot scenes from Private’s treasure troves; scenes with women like MERIDIAN and MYLI, and a scene that features a conveyor belt worth of cock fucking a woman’s ass. The non-homo brotherly love in this scene might make you want to weep. $15 for four hours of good fucking on video? Get it, and go grocery shopping before you fucking keel over. -- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/212615.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME SALUTES THE JOHN KERRY & GEORGE BUSH DEBATES BY FOCUSING ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY ON AVRIL LAVIGNE'S TITS, MADONNA GOING TO OXFORD & J.LO'S PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT SEEMING LESS CUNTISH

A Procedural Note: SKULLGAME and VINNIE ROSE are coming to a TOWN NEAR YOU. Between October 4th-20th, we will be doing what we do best: chasing pussy and being roadies for our favorite group of all time, OXBOW. The secret password is TEAMING UP FOR GODDAMNED AMERICA. Oh yeah, ITALIAN SAL and LITTLE JOE are holding down the fort in our absence. Bring drugs.

IT'S FULL ON ACOUSTIC GAYNESS. SO YOU CAN BRING YOUR WOMEN TOO. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT HERE. NOTHING LIKE DV CAMERAS AND POCKETFULS OF E. NOPE. NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL.

10/04/04 Sabala's Portland OR
10/05/04 Graceland Seattle WA
10/07/04 15th St. Tavern Denver CO
10/08/04 Replay Lounge Lawrence KS
10/09/04 Big V's St. Paul MN
10/10/04 High Noon Saloon Madison WI
10/11/04 The Note Chicago IL
10/12/04 Mac's Bar Lansing MI
10/13/04 Comet Bar Cincinnati OH
10/14/04 Nyabinghi Youngstown OH
10/15/04 Broadway Joe's Buffalo NY
10/16/04 The Space Portland ME
10/17/04 The Warehouse Washington DC
10/18/04 Sidebar Tavern Baltimore MD
10/19/04 North Six Brooklyn NY

LAVIGNE, FINALLY WISING UP TO THE NATURE OF HER TRUE APPEAL, BARES HER BREASTS FOR FANS

CARMINE COMES THROUGH: LAVIGNE HITS THE STAGE, THE PIPE & THE BIG TIME. NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- In a move that has SKULLGAME calling every single one of our New York cuginos what who owns a fucking camera, Canadian nymphet AVRIL LAVIGNE followed JANET JACKSON'S example by flashing her fucking tay tays during a recent tay tay flashing wherein she also sang a few songs or something.

The 20-year-old Lolita, who started off "singing" in "churches," performed at New York's trendy Crobar Club last week and shocked fans by baring her chest before they could get their cameras out, reports unnamed attendees.

A shocked witness says, "She...she seemed to be in a really good mood. What with all the 45-year-old men in the audience cheering her on. Yeah, she was having a lot of fun. Especially if by fun you mean Freebase. We didn't expect to see her boobs though. Avril was ecstatic."

And so will we be. As soon as CARMINE gets us some video from the live feed that he got offa JOE NAILS.

MADONNA IS A GENIUS, OXFORD DECLARES IN A MOVE GUARANTEED TO WHORE OUT, IN TOTAL, THE REPUTATION OF THERE BEING ANYTHING HIGHER AT ALL ABOUT LEARNING

LOOKING AS SHOCKED AS WE ARE: MADONNA ON HER WAY TO A PEP RALLY. BOOLA BOOLA!!!

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Pop slut and grandmother MADONNA is so frustrated that she sacrificed her education for pop music and millions and millions of dollars, she's allegedly enrolled at Britain's prestigious Oxford University for a degree in English Literature, which will allegedly, it was incidentally and curiously noted, cost her millions and millions of dollars.

The Material Girl rekindled her love of books after writing popular children's series "The English Roses," and is looking forward to studying for a Bachelor of Arts, at the celebrated institution, which counts as past students four British Kings, 47 Nobel prize winners, 25 British Prime Ministers and six saints, and now one pop slut.

An insider tells Britain's the Sun newspaper, "She is determined to get a qualification. She sets herself new challenges all the time and the Oxford University course is her latest. It's an illustrious place to study and she was delighted to be accepted and will make the most of the opportunity. The Slut."

JENNIFER LOPEZ ALMOST WEARYING OF BEING UNREGENERATE CUNT

AND THANKS TO COUSIN CARMINE: TWO, TWO, TWO CUNTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- JENNIFER LOPEZ is being given intensive media coaching by esteemed personality coach NORMAN GORMAN, in a bid to appear more down to earth. Oh, and less of a cunt.

The actress is reportedly sick of the negative press she gets for being a cunt -- and wants to, in full-blown ulterior motive-mode fashion, start afresh when she begins promoting her new, non-cunt-based movie, "Shall We Dance."

A member of her well-paid entourage says, "Jen's taken a battering over her movies. And her cuntish behavior. So her people have been working to get the press back on her side by magically trying to make them forget alllll about the cuntish aspect of her personality.

"She's been working with PR experts to get her pitch just right and not come across the wrong way. Like a cunt or nothing."

REDNECKS: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT

A family meal erupted into a gun battle after a father and son clashed over how to cook chicken. The two men argued Sunday over the best way to prepare skinless chicken for dinner. "It started out as a physical confrontation, but it escalated until both of them were shooting at each other," Detective Sgt. A.D. Beasley of the Mercer County Sheriff's Department said Monday. Beasley said each man fired a .22-caliber handgun at the other. Harley Shrader was struck by a bullet that went through the upper part of his right ear and lodged in the back of his head.