FRANKIE I. SHOWED UP THIS WEEKEND DRIVING THIS FUCKING THING. IT WAS, WE THOUGHT, A REASONABLE OMEN AND GROUNDS TO BELIEVE THE WEEKEND WAS GOING TO BE BALL-TUGGINGLY GREAT. GOING TO BE.
YET NOT QUITE
MEMBERS OF SKULLGAME WERE FORCED TO ASSOCIATE WITH MEN WHO WILL NOT FUCK WOMEN
RENO (SkullGame) -- Tired of the whole San Francisco to Los Angeles run and in a quasi-inspired burst of non-linear thinking we found ourselves at some casino in Reno showing FRANKIE I. a time this past weekend. Recently having affected some rapprochement with his wife after 67 of his serial infidelities, FRANKIE I. was here to "dot the i" he said, on his renewed committment to the holy bounds of matrimony. He would do this by fucking ho's on his last weekend out.
Now Frankie ain't like you and youse. He's much more like ME. Fucking all kinds of celebrity slag. ROSANNA ARQUETTE being one. But we'll let him tell it.
NOT BAD ACTING FOR A PAIR OF TITTIES
FRANKIE I.: So the first night I bang her, I was like I FUCKED ROSANNA ARQUETTE!!!. Then the second night I was like I fucked Rosanna Arquette. And the third time I was like I fucked Rosanna Arquette? I mean my enthusiasms for this particular form of diversion were waning very fast but that's when I fucking changed: they were all the goddamned same.
LOOK AT ME. I'M SO GODDAMNED SEXY...THE FIRST TIME...
SKULLGAME: They?
FI: Everybody.
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO....
BARRETT BLADE WILL NOT FIGHT US. THIS IS A CERTAINTY
...BECAUSE HE'S TOO BUSY FUCKING
SkullGame: Hey there Barrett, how you doing pal?
Barrett Blade: I’m doing really well, how are you?
SG: Very good, thanks for asking. Now Robert explained to you that our interviews are a little different and we often go in directions rarely covered by the industry press, right?
BB: Right.
SG: Good. Now, tell me, how long have you been in the business?
BB: I have been in the business for approximately four years.
SG: And if you don’t mind me asking, how did you get your start in the business?
BB: Well, I dated a girl who was in the business and helped manage her career. I was what is sometimes referred to as a suitcase pimp.
SG: You would beat the girl with your suitcase? Outstanding!
BB: NO! I...
SG: So you carried your car antenna in your suitcase and beat her with that then?
BB: No, not at all. It means I was dating her, would go with her on her shoots, talk to casting people, producers and directors, that sort of thing. When we broke up I had become friends with a lot of people in the industry and started getting work through them. That was pretty much it. I kind fell into it.
"BLADE WITH A SLUT," SAYS DR. X WHO TOOK THE PHOTO
SG: Ah, I see. Now, what would you say if I was to say Ass Clowns…to you?
BB: What? [Sounding concerned]
SG: Okay, let me rephrase that for you: What would…you say…if I was to say…Ass Clowns to you?
BB: Are you okay? [Some garbled various other expressions of concern and apprehension]
SG: I see [Nodding head and using a defunct pen to pretend to write something in his blank notebook]. Now if I could just move on. We met at the Digital Playground release party of the big budget porn spectacular LOADED. Are you under contract and are working primarily for Digital Playground now?
BB: Well no, not really. I have worked with NIC ANDREWS a couple of times in a bunch of really good movies, but to answer your question. No I have non-exclusive deals with Baby Doll, Wicked, Cherry Boxxx and Digital Playground as a performer, as well as producing a series called Midnight Madness also with Cherry Boxxx. Did I answer your question?
SG: What’s that you say? I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry…I...
BB: Are you on medication?
SG: Yes… Yes I am. Let's see if we could get back on track here: Would you…consider passing along some of your cast off cooze?
BB: Sure, I don’t see why not.
SG: Cool. [Pretending again to scribble something into the still empty notebook] I remember Nic (Andrews) mentioning that he had developed this script around two characters and an idea that you and ERIC MASTERSON developed. Did you shop your idea around, and if so, to whom?
BB: Yes the characters and by extension the relationship between the two primary characters in the movie, that being Eric and I, is loosely based on our real life relationship. But as far as shopping it around, I had put my idea past Mike Raven over at Sin City and he had said he was interested but never moved on it. So one day I am out drinking with Nic (Andrews), tell him about it and he loved it, he shopped it to Digital Playground and we were off and moving just like that. [Snaps fingers for emphasis]
SG: Touching back on the dialogue. Did you and Eric write the dialogue for Loaded?
BLADE WORKING ON HIS NEXT SCRIPT, CONVENIENTLY WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF THIS PROSTITUTE
BB: No, Nic wrote the dialogue. He's really good at writing dialogue and is pretty close to us so really knows the way we talk to each other, Eric and I. So to answer your question, like I said earlier it’s based on an idea we had and loosely based on Eric and I and our interaction with one another.
SG: Pardon?
BB: What?
SG: Ass Clowns?
BB: Are we almost done?
SG: Uh-huh [Nodding and continuing to write in an empty notebook] So…I was really surprised at your ability to deliver your lines and your acting in general while watching Loaded. That being said…would Adella over at Digital Playground consider letting me have sex with her?
BB: Wow, where did that come from? Wow, I don’t know. I guess if you got some game any girl would consider, but I…I don’t know.
SG: Good answer, politically correct answer being that we are always on the record even when we tell you we are off the record…
BB: I kind of figured as much.
SG: So for my final question. What do you do when you’re not out plowing yards and yards and yards and yards and yards of cooze?
BB: [Laughing] Well, I am pretty much getting abused by my girlfriend. I also do some digital editing and I do a show on the Spice Channel with Holly Hollywood called Nooner on every Monday and Thursday.
SG: Ah yes, the vaguely disguised, yet shameless, plug.
BB: What’s that?
SG: [Whispers] Ass clowns?
You can see what Barrett Blade is up to http://BarrettBlade.com.
ROBERT LOMBARD FROM DIGITAL G GETS HIS HANDJOBS SUPER SMALL: IN HIS OWN WORDS
CRAZY GLUE COMEDY: THE LAUGHS NEVER STOP. NO. WE MEAN IT. NEVER.
When I was working for VAN HALEN man we went through this midget phase. Right around the California Girls period and most people don't know this but there's this apartment building in LA where the "little people" live. Central Casting is always over there. It's like fucking Tiny Town. Anyways I'm sitting over there with DAVID LEE ROTH and they're egging the midget on and next thing I know I'm getting a handjob from this midget.
SG: Was it a gidget?
RL: What?
SG: A girl midget?
RL: Yes!!! Just cuz I got my cock sucked by a tranny doesn't make me a fag. What kind of fucking degenerate do you think I am?
YES. FRANKIE I. FUCKED HER ANYWAY BEFORE HEADING BACK TO FLORIDA. AND WE STILL CAN'T EAT
I'M ON A TROPICAL ISLE. THE WARM WATERS ARE LAPPING ON SANDY SHORES. GOD, CLUB MED IS GREAT
