WITH A SAN FERNANDO VALLEY DISABLED AND SWUNG LOW ALL FUTURE PORN WILL NOW BE PRODUCED IN KAZAKHSTAN
THE HIV HAMMERS $12 BILLION PORN BIZ TO NO ONE'S GREAT SURPRISE
DUCK AND FUCKING COVER
CHATSWORTH (SkullGame) -- In a tragic set of circumstances coming dangerously close to the perfect storm of puritanical political outrage, fin de siecle preoccupations and an industry riven with internal divisions, San Fernando Valley has shut its doors until the DARREN JAMES HIV riddle can be unraveled.
Presumably contracting it during a shoot in Brazil where pre-work AIDS tests are routinely faked, James is now the point man in an Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation investigation concerning his sexual contacts and their sexual contacts post-his South American sojourn.
The chilling effect this will have on the industry, not to mention the incalculable human element, will fuck things up for a very, very, very long time.
And no, it's not funny at all.
IN A RELATED DEVELOPMENT: IT'S AN ILL WIND THAT DOESN'T BLOW SOMEONE SOME GOOD
SKULLGAME WILL FUCK FOR PUSSY
CALIFORNIA (SkullGame) -- The men of SKULLGAME who are ROUTINELY under-fucked, whose meat spends a lot of time loafing and are presently sporting totally clean HIV tests, are available for, you know, things, if anybody in the valley should give a fuck.
IN ANOTHER SHOCKER: COURTNEY LOVE "LOSES" $40 MILLION
YEAH. SURE. I LOST IT. UH HUNH. THE MONACO POLICE ARE LOOKING FOR IT UP BY THE HOTDOG STAND WHERE I THINK I LEFT MY PURSE
BULLSHITONIA (SkullGame) -- "Rocker" and Media Whore COURTNEY LOVE has concocted, emphasis on COCK, yet another way to wheedle into our collective unconscious, by "claiming" today that she's been "swindled" out of a $40 million fortune, meaning her daughter may not receive a cent of her inheritance from late Nirvana star father Kurt Cobain.
The singer, 39 -- who also faces debts of $4 million for botched plastic surgeries, spring rolls and heroin -- insists millions of dollars have been "stolen" from her and her 11-year-old daughter Frances Bean Cobain.
"$40 million has been stolen from me and Francis by a fidu...by a fidush...by a fucking institution," says the clearly compromised Courtney. "I found out that my dog walker was making $100,000."
When reached for comment, SUE UHLAND, the dog walker, noted that this was a salary cut. "I forgot to pick up some dog shit in the Chanel scented poop bags and so she docked me half of my salary," says an obviously miffed Uhland.
Love continues, "One person put a BMW on my credit card. My daughter's trust fund has been stolen from to the point where she may have, like, nothing. I can't let this happen to Frances."
Those close to Love confirm a "large sum is unaccounted for." And that Love has currently bonded with the former football great OJ Simpson in a cross country BMW hunt for the malefactors.
SOCCER STAR DAVID BECKHAM FUCKS ANOTHER SLUT WHILE PREGNANT WIFE SPICE GIRL SLUT PLOTS A SPICE GIRL REUNION AND AMERICA GOOGLES EVERYTHING WE'VE JUST WRITTEN TO FIND OUT WHAT THE WORDS "SOCCER," "DAVID BECKHAM," AND "SPICE GIRL" MEAN
THE FUCKED SLUT: HER SIGN USED TO SAY "WILL SUCK FOR SHOES...THE EXPENSIVE KIND"
HASBEENIAN (SkullGame) -- Because we like soccer about as much as we like soccer "star" DAVID BECKHAM and his ex-Spice Girl Wife Nutsack Spice, we'll just stop here. We mean before anyone else gets hurt. Soccer infidelity story? Get the fuck outta here. We'd sooner write about gay porn. Which, if you think about it, is functionally identical to what we've just written.
