Anabolic

Rating: FOUR "I Have Fleas Living In My Penis" BUSTED NUTS

Shit. I took a bunch of peyote that Skelly brought back from his Mexico trip about 15 minutes ago. Then, while I was chilling waiting for the raven to descend, I realized that I have been sitting on some porno that Vinnie wanted me to review, like, three weeks ago. Vinnie is a New York asshole but he's my bud and beat the shit out of these Nazis who were holding a gun on us once in Huntington Beach. So I figured, "I can get this done before I come on, if I do a lot of Fast forward and write while I watch."

SYLVIA LANCOME FALLING ON A BOTTLE OF HER FACIAL CLEANSER

First off, it starts with some retarded squid-lo who is, like, pretending to be a brotha or something. The dude won't stop talking, and it's total buzzkill. On the other hand, this flick has a bunch of tasty chicks who don't seem to speak or understand English, which makes me horny as hell. I figure if a bitch doesn't understand a fucking thing that I say, then she can't cry that I didn't tell her I was going to plunder her poop-shoot after it's all over and she's locked out in the hall.

Since this reminds me of this time I fucked this Russian chick in 1983 while listening to a record by some fag band-- "Let's Active" --I'll make the writing flow by spinning that disc and comparing this porno movie to that experience, and it will drown out the retard-o's fucking DOUCHEBAG yammering.

This movie is a pastiche of nondescript nobody dudes--with serious wood--slamming it to chicks (who seem Russian) (or something) and runs about
2 hours. "Let's Active" made an album that I listened to repeatedly while I
repeatedly fucked a skinny little russian chickover the course of 5 hours.

This movie has scenes where two dudes plug up the fuck holes of chicks. I
listened to "Let's Active" while plugging up a russian chick's ass with my
cock and banging her twat with a beer bottle.

"Let's Active" is a band that played pseudo-psychedelic-pop-poop jingly jangly happy crappy sappy jalopy, and this movie makes my dong long schlong a gong gong. I was thinking that it would feel good to rub my cock up against the TV. I have my cock out, and I'm working it, it is glowing. I looked around to see if there is anything here to fuck, but Skelly is over on the couch licking
this little mirror and Gordo is crawling around under the stereo cabinet, going "MOO, FEE, MOO! FEE!"

If they were huddled here by me, they would be thrashing the wild squid, too. I'm sure of that. I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I never whacked off to "Let's Active," unless you count the time I jacked one into that chick Oxana's face. I think that may have been Oxana, with her huge nipples and crooked teeth, more than "Let's Active."

I think there were some bonus features on this disc, but I couldn't make the
shit go. Skelly was licking a CD, but it wasn't "Let's Active." Man, that is a fucking stupid fucking name for a band, "Let's Active." This movie had a bunch of fucking, and some of the people doing the fucking were stupid, especially that mouthy monkey-boy. There was a feernenz old peernats, of all prongs, the moist bustifeel virgin of all the slayterns. Beyond the flamflicker licker potsticker rumproaster dribble, there really war as warm fish.

So there you have it, in a nutshell.

I'm glad I 'm finished with this review, because I am starting to feel a little something and feel or maybe see a little blue light licking and flickering along the borders. Buy this DVD instead of "Let's Active." Or buy both so you can play music instead of listening to Mr. Emotional express his inner fucking fagotron agenda. -- YOZA

Buy it NOW!