YO VINNIE,
I have a large penis. Not happy large. Large so women refuse me sex. I've learned to satisfy myself with sheep at the facility where I work. But this can't last forever. Ways for me to use surgery to reduce it? Oh. And here's a photo of me with a sheep so you know I'm joking not. -- G.F. (by email)

OK. SEE. NOW, UM, I JUST REMEMBERED: I'M NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING ON TUESDAYS, YOU SEE AND, UM....

Dear Farmer John: Jesus. Jesus H. Christ on a Crutch. How the fuck did you find us? Listen, we just answer the simple questions. Like the ones regarding dudes who want to fuck their dude's old lady because she's a whore but feels weird asking. You know, the basics. Like whether or not you should drink piss on the first date (short answer: only if it's mine). But this shit...OK, listen, there IS some surgery that could be done on ANY body part but what we are never told is that the COCK is a miracle of modern engineering and fucking with it is inviting horrible, horrible possible repercussions.

So our suggestion? Let us pass on the email addresses of the ho's with cavernous cooze's and hope that you can make a love match.

Oh. And one last thing: NEVER SEND US ANY MORE PICTURES OF YOU FUCKING SHEEP. You degenerate motherfucker, you.