There had been concern. SKULLGAME stalwart ITALIAN SAL had gone missing and confusion reigned. Well today we received our first communication. Flying into Kuwait and moving over land into Iraq, Sal, motivated by "patriotism and, um, truth. And belief in something greater than fucking WENDY'S," will send back reports insofar as is possible. We wish him godspeed and hope you, dear fucking reader, will manage this totally NON-porn related issue with as much respect and deference as is usual for any and all readers of SKULLGAME.
ITALIAN SAL. IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO HIS DEPARTURE. IN A PENSIVE MOOD. AT WENDY'S
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO...AROUND THE WORLD IN 20 MINUTES
A PICTURE SAL EMAILED BACK WITH CAPTION: "PEACE CORPS DESERT SLUTS IN KUWAIT. I ENCOURAGED THEM TO TRAVEL WITH ME TO FALLUJAH. THEY DECLINED. LESBIANS."
BAGHDAD (SkullGame) -- Across Baghdad’s Sadr City Slum the most interesting form of bureaucracy has sprung up like a mushroom after a rainfall. Career bureaucrats from social welfare states like Canada and Britain have joined forces with the now defunct Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP) to bring forth the first ever Suicide Bomber Center for Unemployment Benefits and Stuff (SBCUB & S).
"The SBCUB & S has come about not one second too soon" according to Socialist Lunatic Envoy Richard Butler of Great Britain who is one of the two dozen or so staff persons across Sadr City. Butler goes on to say, "at a time when one in three suicide bombers in Iraq is either unemployed or underemployed the fate of suicide bombers here in Iraq and across the region for that matter is at crisis level."
"WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
Doling out weekly checks of up to 200 WBs, or whiz bangs, equal to about 175 TS, or twiddle snicks, suicide bombers are given vocational training, like procuring C4 laden vests and choosing targets, as well as sprucing up ones resume, for example having it tattooed on the inside of their colon in the eventuality that their chosen profession doesn’t work out exactly as planned… or exactly as planned, depending on how you look at it.
Mahmood Abbas a former member of the PFLP and now a regional director of SBCUB & S claims that after receiving unemployment benefits 97.9% reenter the work force…of blowing themselves inside out that is. “We have a very high success ratio here, we are very proud, after finding work as suicide bombers we never see them back here again. Well…except for that one guy. His sphincter landed right where you’re sitting…come to think of it, he had one hell of a resume.”
Transcription of an exchange between Richard Butler and Abdul Aquazay:
ABDUL AQUAZAY: A HOPEFUL AND HOPEFULLY SUCCESSFULLY SUICIDAL BOMBER AND CLIENT
Richard Butler: Abdul, how are you my friend?
Abdul Aquazay: Pretty good Mr. Butler, sir. Thank you for those tickets to "Moving Out." I love Billy Joel. I almost had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack. Ha ha ha ha!
RB: Ha ha ha ha! Abdul, God you are a killer. You are so funny, you're killing me. But getting back to business. You know that this week is your last week of Suicide Bomber Unemployment Benefits?
AA: Yes Mr. Butler.
RB: As long as you understand that if you don’t get a job this week you will have to reapply. Now that we have gotten that out of the way, have you tried to blow yourself up yesterday?
AA: Well…Yes and no, I got to the checkpoint and was turned away.
RB: Okay… Will you be blowing yourself up today?
AA: Oh yes sir, I plan to blow myself up right after I go to see "Mamma Mia" in Baquoba. I love ABBA!
RB: If you fail to blow yourself up today, do you plan to blow yourself up tomorrow?
AA: Today or tomorrow, definitely. I have tickets tomorrow for "The Lion King". So, definitely after that, but the solo by Simba, man…it will literally blow you away.
In the seedy slums of Sadr City amongst desks cluttered with paper work and tickets to off-off-Broadway shows, a new form of bureaucrat has carved out a niche in a booming market. The Suicide Bomber Center for Unemployment Benefits…& stuff.
NICOLE KIDMAN GAMBLING ON TOM CRUISE'S NON-GAYNESS
IF HE WAS GAY WOULD HAVE TURNED AWAY THIS?!?!
LA-LA-LAND (SkullGame) -- Movie superstar, Scientologist and Flat Earth Society delegate NICOLE KIDMAN reportedly dumped lover of every vagina he's ever met, LENNY KRAVITZ, when ex-husband TOM "NO WAY AM I GAY" CRUISE became single again -- hoping they could rekindle their famous, sexually uncomfortable marriage.
According to inside sources who requested that we not mention that they are named MARCH MCCOLL, the Oscar-winning actress still hankers after Cruise, and was given fresh hope when he split from his last beard, the duped PENELOPE CRUZ in January.
Marsh explains, "Nicole refused to commit to the relationship because she was sure Tom would come back to her." However, Kravitz still hopes to build a future with the beauty who he describes as "that skinny white broad."
March adds, "He's hoping that as time passes she will put the pain of divorce behind her and he'll have a chance to start over all again with trying to fuck all of her friends and whatnot."
SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU
YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.
DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": My Girlfriend is in Iraq; she has been out there for about six months and will probably be there for 18 more. Anyhow, she tells me that I should not have any kind of pornography because she considers it cheating and that if I love her I will be willing to wait. Please help.--No Touchy
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HERE HE IS GUILTILY REPLACING THE CAP ON A TUBE OF LOTION. FOR HER?!?! UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE.
DEAR ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER: Oh help, help me, Ooooooooo. What are you fucking kidding me? Oh no, I’m not allowed to touch my pee pee like that. Let me tell you something pal, I don’t subscribe to that whole, “If you love me you won’t do this or that” school of thought. If you’re going to let this broad control you from half a world away, you might as well put on a pair of silky panties and call yourself Susan. If not, well we sell all kinds of videos here on SKULLGAME. Buy one and jack away pal. If you ask me, it’s the only possible way you could redeem yourself as a man.
Well…Come to think of it…
You’re fucked.
.
Posted by ami on April 17, 2005 06:49 AM.
