skull_weblog

WHERE CHEAP BASTARDS FIND QUALITY HO'S

http://www.frugaljohn.com/

Living it up, living it up, oh yeah, it’s Friday night.

And there you are at home. With nary a thing to eat, fuck or fight. What to do, what to do? Well yeah sure. There's always the booty call option but in the immortal words of Charlie Sheen when asked why he went to hookers when he could have had anybody he said, "I don't pay for them to come over. I pay for them to leave." And so it is that on a Friday night a young man's thoughts turn to the fancy of love, except that love too fucking fancy can set you back more than a bit.

Enter Frugal John, where getting glossed with the appellation CHEAP WHORE is not entirely bad for your career. Recommended to us, strangely enough, by a guy named JOHN, Frugal John is the place to go for a piece when you don't want to go broke doing so.

How the fuck do we know? Well, like Consumer Reports, we recommend you stick your cock in NOTHING that we haven't already stuck our cocks in (excepting that goddamned Orick vacuum cleaner) and so, in the name of journalistic integrity, we expensed a trip to Ms. Shannon. Was she worth it? Goddamned right! Every $200 of it. In fact we quantified it and figured that was $1 a stroke. Good bang for the buck, jack. Go ahead. And tell them that Vinnie sent you.

"I FUCKED VINNIE. AND HAVE BEEN HAVING NIGHTMARES EVER SINCE!" THEY ALL DO, BABY. THEY ALL DO.

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HER BAPTISMAL NAME IS ROSY.

BUT SHE PUTS THE ROSE TO SHAME. AND

THE WAY SHE SUCKS YOUR COCK YOU'LL

SWEAR TO GOD, GOD'S TO BLAME

FELIX VICIOUS from TRAINED TEENS

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=104616

KOOL-AIDS HERE. WEARING A SMILE.

YO VINNIE,
When having sex with a woman who is either having her period, or recently had her period, and you, on your way to putting your cock in her mouth notice it is red, do you or are you obligated to wash it off in something other than her mouth? I mean what is the proper protocol here? -- W.M. (by email)

Dear Red Red Wine: Simple answer to a simple question and it totally adheres here to the Golden Mean which, leastways as we can make out, has everything to do with knifing your fellow humans as you yourself want to be knifed: don't stick nothing in her mouth that you don't want in your mouth. That being said, if you're second in line to suck tongue with a tongue that's licked the red stick...or for that matter the crap-encrusted crank from a recent ass fucking...well, tis bound to be less blood and fecal matter, respectively, on aforementioned mouth after a good long sausage sucking. I mean it stands to fucking sausage sucking reason. So kiss away, comforted by the fact that in total you're probably getting 46 percent less of her shit, and are 33 percent less likely of chugging her blood on second pass then you would be on first. And if it's a double teaming and you can convince her to, say, kiss the other dude first, well, total gayness factor aside, you're muuuuccchhhh better off insofar as the crap and blood mass in your mouth is concerned.

Thanks for asking. You disgusting, motherfucker, you.

SKULLGAME MONDAY'S MEL GIBSON'S JEWY JEW JEW QUIZ-A-THON PLUS CAMERON DIAZ TASTEFUL & JERK OFF WORTHY NUDES. ALSO: RICKY WILLIAMS IS PERFECTLY A-FUCKING-OK, KATIE HOLMES IN HERPES SHOCKER & COLIN FARRELL SEX TAPE? GAY AS IT GETS!!

BUT FIRST: from a chapter in SkullGame's Reading Is Fucking Fundamental program, MEL GIBSON, SR. recently sent us this.

"MONEY FROM THE SALE OF THIS BOOK, AS WELL AS OUR CAMP WILL HELP IN THE SEARCH FOR THOSE 6 MILLION GERMAN JEWS WHO ARE PRESENTLY STILL AT LARGE. WANDERING AROUND. OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT JEWS DO," SAYS MEL GIBSON, SR.

THIS message has been sponsored by PAPA GIBSON'S RECOGNIZE-A-JEW-SLEEPAWAY CAMP: "Because even little Jews wander off sometimes too. Here at Papa Gibson's Recognize-A-Jew Sleepaway Camp children are encouraged to engage in usurious money lending, contentious haggling and the hoarding of shekels while still making time for history [revisionist] and Armenian art appreciation, which amounts, largely to, looking at transistor radios.

See ya this Summer!"

SOMETHING ABOUT CAMERON DIAZ'S TITS SENDS ANOTHER GOOD AMERICAN TO THE STONY LONESOME

A WHORE! A WHORE! MY KINGDOM FOR A WHORE!!!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- A hard-working American photographer who took "erotic nudes" of the Latin immigrant CAMERON DIAZ before she hit fame as a Latin immigrant actor has been convicted on all three counts leveled against him following a bitter court battle. The noble John Rutter, 42, now faces up to six years in the pokey after a jury of migrant field workers convicted him of forgery, attempted grand theft and perjury this morning for a "scheme" to sell his very tasteful dildo-based nudes back to the "actress" 11 years later for the going rate for Latin immigrant dildo nudes of millions of dollars.

During the trial, Honest John Rutter told the jury that while a model release form giving him ownership of the photographs was forged, he didn't do it. But under cross-examination, Rutter acknowledged trying to "speak-o Spanish-o to her" so she'd understand the ramifications of "tasteful-o dildo-o nudes-o." He also admitted to asking Diaz to pay him $3.5 million in two days or he would sell the snapshots around the world to coincide with the 2003 release of her movie "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle."

Rutter said he believed he had a right to do so and was simply giving the actress "right of first refusal."

Sentencing is scheduled for September. May Almighty God have mercy on this accursed jury's collective soul.

MIAMI DOLPHINS' RICKY WILLIAMS WORKING HIS WAY BACK INTO THE NFL THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW: HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE!!!

"SNUFFLE GO! MAKA HONEA, CHAS NOP!!! HARA KIRI, HARE KRISHNA!!!"

MIAMI (SkullGame) -- On Monday RICKY WILLIAMS, the pot smoking, meditation seeking, paper purse and hemp sandal wearing running back was back in the fold. Sure there was brave talk, apologies, analysis, and weed smoke mixing into his return after quitting a year ago on the eve of training camp but all it took was a few practice runs in the morning practice to answer all of those questions.

“Oh yeah, he looked explosive, even quicker,” said a teammate with decidedly meth-fueled excitement after being asked if Williams looked like he could still play. “I was real impressed with him. He was skipping, mincing, sashaying all over that field. HIGHER than a fucking kite but, you know, FLUID-like. If anything I was kind of enthused again, thinking we have Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown in the same backfield. My God, I got off and had a little moment thinking about an all-weed based running game and came back like, ‘OK let me focus on defense again.’"

SCIENTOLOGY & STDs: "NOT OUR FAULT," SAYS SPOKESPERSON ABOUT KATIE HOLMES' COLD SORE LADEN LIPS.

"I LOVE YOU, YOU NON-HOMOSEXUAL, YOU..."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The controversial "Church" of "Scientology" has slammed reports one of its rituals was responsible for the sores on KATIE "YO" HOLMES' mouth. Holmes has recently been photographed with several cold sores and a red rash around her mouth.

While most critics believed Holmes had acquired the sores from her public kissing sessions with the non-homosexual TOM CRUISE, several gossip columnists claimed the 26-year-old actress developed the sores after enduring a Scientology process, known as purification.

The alleged client of the purification is given vitamin B3 (niacin), which helps to decrease cholesterol and boost circulation, and looooooonnnnnggggg public kissing sessions with the non-homosexual of your choice. However, a spokesman for the church says, "Whatever the fuck is on that bitch's face has nothing to do with us. It's insulting that you would ask such a thing. Let's talk about the space aliens that gave us Jesus instead."

WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT? COLIN FARRELL SEX VIDEO CONTENTS RHYME WITH BANAL HEX

WE HAVE A VEEERRRRRYYYY GOOD IDEA WHERE IT'S GOING FROM HERE. AND IT AIN'T A SORORITY.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- The public kisser of men COLIN FARRELL and his ex-lover Nicole Narain have secretly spoken about their sex tape which has become the subject of a scandalous lawsuit -- because the Playboy Playmate wanted the actor to know she never leaked it. Not at 5 points on gross.
Sexy Narain is appalled by press reports connecting her to the leak of a sale for anything less than 16 on the spread for the vid, which she filmed with Farrell's permission when they were a couple.

Now she insists that, "like Farrell", she has "no idea" how the 15-minute tape got into the wrong hands and she's joining forces with her ex to keep it from going public, for less than an even 20.

She says, "Though I take off my clothes for a living and am sort of broke since I opened that last pizza parlor, I don't want it out there any more than Colin does. Not for a nickel under 25."

"It was something that was made privately between me and him and it's just unfortunate that the situation is the way it is right now with numbers being bandied about like 30."

NICOLE NARAIN: "I JUST LOVE WORKING BACHELOR PARTIES WHILE COLIN ENJOYS BEING A MULTIMILLIONAIRE!"

"We're both in the same boat ... Yes. He's EXTREMELY FAMOUS and I'm broke. So it's very unexpected that it should find its way from my house to a distributor for less than 35. We both feel the same way - neither one of us want it out there unless we're talking about 40 on the gross."

Farrell has slapped a restraining order on sex tape broker and known SkullGame associate DAVID HANS SCHMIDT, who plans to release the unexpectedly and largely gay film as a DVD.

SUGGESTION? STOP STEALING SKULLGAME IDEAS...

Kingsburg-based KFYE, FM 106.3, has been playing a Porn Radio format for the past week and a half.
The sexually laced format, which replaced the Christian programming previously heard on KFYE, is the work of radio consultant Jerry Clifton. He bought the radio station and launched the provocative programming. KFYE was playing a mix of songs with suggestive lyrics, promotions laced with sexual references and the recorded moans of a woman. Porn Radio became the talk of the town. That format may be gone. Thursday, instead of sexy tunes, KFYE was broadcasting a continuous loop of Clifton saying variations of the phrase "Now that we got your attention …." Listeners then were urged to call a telephone number to suggest what the format of KFYE should be. The telephone number, (559) 485-2125, asked callers to leave their recorded suggestions.

JAKE MALONE'S POV

Red Light District

Rating: THREE AND A HALF “eye to eye” BUSTED NUTS

We can relate to JAKE MALONE. He’s got the same world view as we do. Especially if by world you mean naked sluts, and by view you mean our hard cock in said naked sluts, then yes, we are of the same mind.

Our only question about the man is, what the fuck happened to his skin? Ladies and gentlemen, the toxic avenger of porn.

SPANIARD REBECA LINARES: BETTER THAN A BULL'S HORNS IN THE CROTCH

Again, the beauty of POV porno. Not a single shot of man ass. Thank you. It gives us more unobstructed view of utter babeitude like REBECCA LINARES, the Barcelonean teen that got royally ass-fucked by MAX HARDCORE in one of his fine features of depravity. In comparison with the flick at hand, we see that Malone needs to bone up on his porn. Literally.

You can only earn points by featuring East Euro pocket rocket SHARKA BLUE. Come for her, but stick around for SUE DIAMOND, sporting a mix of chiseled features, strong, tight body and killer rack that can only come out of eastern Europe. And for the rack lover, a nice bonus is super bitch tease AIDEN STARR, – STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/257022.jpg?qlt=100&wid=125&cvt=jpg

DESTINATION DIRTPIPE

Elegant Angel

Rating: FOUR AND A HALF “all aboard” BUSTED NUTS

If porn starlet NAOMI wanted a ride and offered you the ubiquitous cash, grass, or ass, and you took anything other than the last option, then, sir, you’re a fag.

Just look at it! It’s the round mound of rebound. Charles Barkley, eat your heart out.

Shall we go on? Yes. Naomi’s got epic musculature, no small amount of which is in her eyelids, and even then she can barely hold up her bedroom eyes with each near-terminal gnashing of her colossal lashes.

MONICA SWEETHEART: FILLING, YET FAT- AND CHOLESTEROL-FREE

But a fine example of adult theatre isn’t complete with a complementary cast of characters. KATJA KASSIN has earned her lube-soaked wings, and she’s still the same impossibly round, lean and meaty anal bitch she started off being. MONICA SWEETHEART is the long and leggy version of Kassin, and damn if she doesn’t do a better job of inspiring a hard-on than sticking your cock in a cake.

This movie’s got some weird pastry-fucking fetish. Whatever. The promise of Sweeheart’s holes AND being paid for it was even not impetus than the dude in the scene needed to keep his hard on – and perhaps a straight face – as he walked on scene and put on his best lascivious face, ready to get himself a piece .... of the cake, if you catch our drift.

Faces mashed in cake. Whipped cream- and icing-flavored blow jobs. All take a backseat to the backdoor of some tremendous, tremendous examples of the human babe. Destination Dirtpipe. Pack your fucking bags. – STEELY ROB

But it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/263010.jpg?qlt=100&wid=125&cvt=jpg

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AND IF I ARCH WAAAAYYYY BACK LIKE THIS, YOUR COCK GETS AS HARD AS MY FUCKING TITS? A-MAZING!!!

SHYLA from LEX the IMPALER 2

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=85974

KOBE BRYANT TO THE WHITE BROAD COURTESY PHONE, PLEASE.

Yo Vinnie,
I've been messing around with this girl. And just this past week, after three tries on three separate times on three different days, she starts moaning "no, no," right as I'm about to fuck her. So I think she's just saying that. And so I keep going. And then she screams at me to stop. Usually right before insertion. And so I stop. But maybe she has a rape fantasy and just wants me to take over. Yeah?--Busted & Blue (by email)

YES, VIRGINIA. THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS. JUST NOT A VERY NICE ONE.

Dear #23604: Yeah. That's right. MAYBE she just wants you to take over. Mm hm. And, fortunately for you, I have a list of things she wants you to take over. In no particular order:

1) her car payments.
2) her need to appear at a desk behind a sign that reads PLAINTIFF and finally
3) the anal rape concession at Quentin.

But we DO feel your pain. Unfortunately all we got for it is that ol' new agey crap about communicating. Unless this bitch says "I want you to rape me," you could safely assume that no means "I want you to think of a more clever way to simulate raping me."

How?

Simple. Tell her this

"the next time you come over to my house, I'm going to rape you."

If she shows up, have her sign and initial this email, and then fuck away, pal.

SKULLGAME SHOCKER: SELF-ESTEEM COMES TO TOWN. AND THEN LEAVES AGAIN. RIGHT AWAY. PLUS OLSEN TWINS TWAT, JESSICA SIMPSON 3 CLICKS OF FAME AWAY FROM FUCK VIDS, TOM CRUISE SEES ALIENS. VERY, VERY GAY ALIENS & GARY SHEFFIELD TO METS "SUCK MY DICK."

THIS version of SkullGame is sponsored by WHIP-ITS: Fun for kids of all ages!™ So if you like glue, magic marker fumes and/or butane gas huffed through a tube in the backseat of Jake's station wagon, you'll absolutely, positively LOVE our WHIP-ITS: Fuck you just leave me alone, I'm fine!™

FUCK YOU FUN FROM FOUR TO FORTY FUCKING FOUR!!!

THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG DISTANCE LOAD

"I'M LEAVING!!! AND I'M TAKING MY SAND WITH ME!!!" SAYS THE NOW SELF-ESTEEM & JIPE-FILLED STEPHANIE RED AS SHE LEAVES OUR ERSTWHILE ITALIAN SAL

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- On a gray day in San Francisco SkullGame's own ITALIAN SAL enjoys a moment of quiet reflection mere 12 hours after realizing that our very first SkullGame discovery, STEPHANIE RED, has fled the warm, slightly damp but no-less-capacious bosom of what for want of a better word we call HOME. "I look around this place," said a visibly perturbed Sal. "And I think about all the good times. The time I locked her in the closet. The times I threw her out in the hallway naked," gently dabbing at his eyes. "Even the time I locked her in the closet. Oh. I guess I already mentioned that. Anyways, I think of all of those times and I look around this place and I wonder: who? who? WHO will now fold these clothes? After hauling them to the crackhead laundermat? Who will empty this garbage? Who? Who? Who will buy me seat covers for my car?"

While the exigencies of Load Extraction ("WHO Will Have It Now?") are presently consuming all of Sal's waking time, we make this, a simple plea: if you are a load-bearing professional in need of work, work which we now have loads and loads of, please contact vinnie@skullgame.com. Thank you.

OLSEN TWINS' STALKER INVESTS 768 MAN HOURS TO SNAP DE-THATCHED (POSSIBLY) TWIN SNATCH

"OHMIGOD...THERE'S NO FUCKING STEERING WHEEL UP HERE....NOPE. NOTHING. JUST ME AND MY SNATCH. AND THAT WELL-USED BINDLE OF YAYO IN MY PURSE."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- My name is Yoza. I write for SkullGame. I photographed this teen snatch because when I am not surfing I am a teen snatch photographer. Thank you, very much."

SELF-ESTEEM FLEES TOWN, YIELDING THE FLOOR TO AVARICE AS DUMB ASS TRICKS OUT FOREHEAD FOR GAMBLING CONCERN.

UTAHTONIAN KARI SMITH SMILES AT HER HARD-EARNED 45 SECONDS OF FAME

SALT LAKE CITY (SkullGame) -- For $10,000, KARI SMITH has not only won the undisputed world rights to the title Most Likely To Be Working At SkullGame As Soon As We Get On the Goddamned Phone Award, but has, in a move stinking of her think tank-like efforts at trailer genius, gone ahead and had her forehead tattooed with the Web address of a gambling site.

Smith, 30, of a city called, curiously enough, Bountiful, sold her unusual advertising space on eBay. She said the money will give her 11-year-old son a private education, which she believes he needs, in full-on Fruit From The Tree Fashion, after falling behind in school.

"For the all the sacrifices everyone makes, this is a very small one," she said. "It's a small sacrifice to build a better future for my son. To everyone else, it seems like a stupid thing to do. To me, $10,000 is like $1 million. I only live once, and I'm doing it for my son," she said. "Especially if by 'son' you mean that Mexican on the BMX I keep seeing around here."

REASON #37: THE EXACT MANNER IN WHICH SAN FRANCISCO MIGHT MAKE ONE GAY.

"I DO NOT SHAVE MY UNDERARMS. NOR BRUSH MY TEETH. WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN A CARROT!!! FUCK YOUR SYSTEM!!!" YES. SOMETHING ELSE YOU NEVER WANTED TO SEE. UNLESS YOUR NAME IS VINNIE ROSE. AND THEN IT'S EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO SEE, BUT WERE AFRAID TO STOP MENTIONING. EVER.

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- "AGGGGHHHHHHHHH....MY EEEYYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!"

CHRISTIAN GROUP SLAMS JESSICA SIMPSON. AT FIRST, SLOWLY. THEN LATER, FASTER. THOUGH STILL MORE INSISTENT

LOOK, WE MAKE FUN OF JESSICA SIMPSON BUT DEEP DOWN WE REALLY JUST WANT TO DRAPE A LOAD ACROSS HER UPPER LIP.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- A Christian group has demanded JESSICA SIMPSON apologize for her raunchy new music video. Or they will spank her warm yielding buttocks.

The Resistance has dubbed the video for her cover of Nancy Sinatra's "The Boots Are Made for Walking" "slutty," and want her to shoot a cleaner, non-spooge worthy version.

They object to her risque behavior in the video, which includes simulated sex acts with a water hose while she washes a car wearing a skimpy bikini for a song on the soundtrack for the upcoming The Dukes of Hazzard movie, particularly because Simpson's father is a Baptist pastor and they view her, and each one of big giant tay tays as Christian role models.

The group's representative John Conner says, "It's sad to see her whore herself out like this. She's a singing stripper. A singing, sucking, suck simulating stripper who dances and pumps and pumps and dances, dances, dances encourage men to fuck their fists in impotent rages while her lips....well, you get the idea."

TOM CRUISE BELIEVES IN ALIENS. VERY, VERY GAY ALIENS. FROM ENSENADA. BUT ALIENS NONETHELESS

"NUFF GODDAMNED SAID...."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- NON-HOMOSEXUAL Actor TOM CRUISE believes in aliens, strong strapping aliens, working as pool boys, at his house, claiming it would be arrogant to think we, as humans, were alone in this universe with no one to give us back rubs, or anything. The movie star is currently promoting his new film, War of the Worlds, which sees him on the run from extra-terrestrials who cause havoc on earth.

In an interview with German newspaper Das Bild, Cruise says, "Yes, of course (I believe in aliens). Are you really so arrogant as to believe we are alone in this universe? Millions of stars, and we're supposed to be the only living creatures? No, there are many things we just don't know about: like why Ramon even needs to clean anybody else's pool."

GARY SHEFFIELD TO METS: "SUCK MY BIG, BLACK DICK. PLEASE."

"DO I HAVE TO COME RIGHT OUT & SAY IT??? BLOW THIS FUCKING DICKKKKKKK!!!"

BALTIMORE (SkullGame) - GARY SHEFFIELD, chronic clubhouse cancer, has no intention of leaving the New York Yankees, and manager Joe Torre said Wednesday that the team rejected a possible trade with the New York Mets involving the outfielder. Sheffield reacted emotionally when asked to comment on a story in the New York Post, which said the Yankees have held preliminary talks on a trade involving Sheffield and Mets outfielder Mike Cameron.

"I can't sit here and blame the Yankees for other teams wanting me, so let's clear that up," Sheffield said. "I understand that. But I'm just letting you know if it happens, it becomes personal and I'm not going to accept this because of the concessions I made and so I say once again: place my big, black cock on your lips and bob your head back and forth whilst making a sucking motion with your mouth. Yes. Yes, do this. If you are a Met, a Met's fan or a member of Met's management. Yes. This you should do."

MY JOB DESCRIPTION? WHITE WOMAN FUCKER!

THE BLACK VAGINA FINDER

HE CERTAINLY WILL.

So you got BILLY IDOL. ELVIS. And now MR. Motherfucking SKUNK RILEY.

They rode their sneers to fame, fortune and fucking. Except the first two lacked the stones to share their ass adventures with the rest of us. Call it modesty. Call it propriety. Call it the absence of a beefstick long enough to warrant it being shown to the world...but 26-year-old Skunk had a dream, like many of us, the dream of fucking every single woman in the world worth fucking...but unlike the rest of us he DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

He got some fool to pay to see him fuck white women. In this instance US. But, in case you missed it, his job is to fuck white women. When he rolls out of bed to go to work he rolls right back in bed to fuck. He fucks and fucks with no regard to nationality, creed or cash. He's been fucking for nine years and in that time has fucked over 1000 ho's.

He lists his sexual interests as FUCKIN'.

He sneers. And fucks. And fucking sneers while fucking.

You see a theme here?

Shit, he's the goddamned DON KING of fuckers and the patron saint of Florida poon and for this we salute him.

With asses green with envy.

SKULLGAME ALUMNI HEADLINE NEWS: THE DOCTOR

A Tennessee physician who lost his medical license earlier this year is a suspect in several indecent exposure cases in the Oklahoma City and Tulsa areas, according to law enforcement authorities.
Steven Dale Brazeal, 44, allegedly drove away from Broken Arrow police during a traffic stop Wednesday. A man who meets Brazeal's description exposed himself at an insurance office, a hair salon, an apartment complex and a kidney-dialysis center in Broken Arrow, Maj. Mark Irwin said.
"It's an unusual way of happening," Irwin said of the flasher's methods. "He enters a business clothed, asks to use the bathroom, goes out the back door, puts his clothes in the car and comes back in naked."

BANZAI 3

Anarchy

Rating: FOUR “inferiority complex” BUSTED NUTS

Anarchy Films continue to rail on to anyone who will listen about how another kid on the playground punched them in the nose and took their Asian-themed fuck vid idea.

Look, kids, as long as you’ve got hot Asian bitches like LANA CROFT spreading their pussies while taking a cock in their ass, we don’t care who stole whose lunch money.

LANA CROFT IN CHAPTER ONE OF THREE IN THE BEST-SELLING ALL-HOLE PARTYING TRILOGY.

Honestly, though, if we were picking teams, we’d take the BUNZAI line. Why? All hole-partying Asians. Asians, who are the least forward-thinking of the races when it comes to the proper porn must topic of all-hole partying.

But that’s cool, ‘cause there are some right proper hos in this movie, like Croft, ASIA, and NYOMI ZEN. AVENA LEE is still kicking around, getting a little rounder, still looking like a hot bitch, still not taking it in the ass.

So while the Anarchy inferiority complex is getting a little too conspicuous, we’ll keep enjoying this line of videos. If you like slanty sluts who can fuck, you’ll dig this movie, too. – STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/267388new.jpg?qlt=100&wid=125&cvt=jpg

SEX CITY

A remake of a movie about ho's

starring a bunch of ho's? WithOUT

Bruce Willis? GENIUS!!!

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BANGLADESH BOOTY #2

Maximum Xposure

Rating: FOUR "Velly Velly Good" BUSTED NUTS

None of these bitches are from Bangladesh.

At least, I doubt it. And DESTINY DEVILLE's accent places her somewhere in England doing shots and watching porn with ENGLISH BOB's grandma.

They all at least look East Indian or thereabouts though. Which's decidedly better than attempting to fob off Latinos as Indians by drawing black dots in the middle of their foreheads with a marker pen. You get that from unscrupulous (like there's another kind) porn producers.

SAHARA KNITE SANS SARI, DOT & 7-11...ABOUT TO GET AGGRESSIVELY ASS FUCKED. THANK YOU MAHATMA!!!

Hey, here's some trivia: A black dot in the middle of the forehead means she's single and available. A red dot means she's taken -- it's like a stop light -- and her pussy's already been traded for a dowry consisting of a hi-fi stereo and a goat.

I learned that from an Indian chick I didn't fuck. It's useful advice for hitting on Indian hoes. Mind you, I may have gotten those colors back to front.

There's a left-field moment in this one: RIO (speaking of non-Latinos) fucks a glass bottle; not a sex toy. But the real highlight is PERSIA's ass and the licking of same.

She appreciates it.

And so do my nuts. -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/254260.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ANAL ASSPIRATIONS #3

Diabolic Digital

Rating: FOUR "It's 1% Perspiration, 99% Asspiration" BUSTED NUTS

It must be well-documented by now that I like my porn as filthy and disgusting as possible (minus dwarfs and grandmothers – whoever gets off on that shit can rot in hell as far as I’m concerned. Sorry, VINNIE). ANAL ASSPIRATIONS #3 – judging by the opening credits – looks set to be exactly that, with one eye-popping cum-swap between EVELIN and MORINA almost bringing my dinner back up.

Yummy.

"FOR MY NEXT BIT MY ASS WILL IMITATE A PINCUSHION!!!" ANGELINA CROW, 100% PROFESSIONAL.

Make no mistake, the asses here are pretty damn tight – though the holes at their center definitely aren’t. Slim, muscular, nasty girls with a definite line in heroin chic… just what the doctor ordered (should your doctor be dealing in ‘special stuff,’ like mine does). In fact ANGELINA CROW'S enthusiasm for a giant cock up her butt is almost worrying – notice how easily her finger slides up her poochute before she’s even anywhere near a dick. This bitch clearly has to wear incontinence pants on a first date. Just to be on the safe side.

Yeah so a couple of these girls look like they could do with a good meal or two, but with sex as debauched as this, I’ll take ‘em as they come. In fact it’s almost like a guided tour of sexual oddities – ESTHER’s pussylips take the phrase ‘beef curtains’ to a whole new extreme, and one dude’s cock sports a wart (at least, I think it’s a wart) SO big I was hoping a girl might snag it with her teeth on the outtakes, to comical injury effect. Sadly, no such luck.

Best of the bunch is covergirl LISA ROSE, a gorgeous eurowhore with a killer tan and a pout to ruin dicks with. Oh yes, and she takes it feverishly up the shitbox, like every other girl here. I think all we DON’T see is the crackden afterparty, as I think most of these lovelies have substituted food for a full-on Class A habit. Still, I ain’t complaining… bring me my crackpipe and cockring, Jeeves. -- TEABAG

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/260461.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JUST OVER EIGHTEEN #14

Red Light District

Rating: TWO "Are You SURE You Work For TRL?" BUSTED NUTS

The reason this is called JUST OVER EIGHTEEN is because if you fast forward through the scenes and watch the extra footage and check the previews, you're bang on 18 minutes.

So 'just over' is actually a lie.

I tested this THREE times and always managed to come in just under 18 minutes. But, of course, except in the Sudan and Sri Lanka, you can't call a porn film JUST UNDER EIGHTEEN. Anyway, this was filmed in a motel just outside of somewhere and captures the usual five, fresh, small town girls, only a few months before drug addiction, a violent older boyfriend and pregnancy, catches up with them at the Greyhound bus shelter.

"YOU WANT ME TO PUT WHAT? WHERE?" LACIE HEART, KINDA SLOW ON THE UPTAKE, IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO FIGURIN' IT ALL OUT.

And judging by the looks on their faces when the 'John' touches their tits at the start of each scene, it appears they were either there to borrow some sugar or at the very least thought they were appearing in an ad for the motel chain.

Wrong.

None of these girls showed any interest at all in this opportunity, in fact their general demeanor fluctuated between utter bemused horror to bored disbelief, which kind of summarized my viewpoint. This is no. 14 in a series of 496,388, featuring teen runaways who kept missing the school bus, making their last desperate attempt to avoid working in the diner in their home-towns and to hopefully meet TOMMY LEE and marry him because, well, it is just possible isn't it?

All the people in the DVD have sex and the guys cum on the girls faces and one of them even does anal, but she probably thought everyone did that including guys so that doesn't really count.... -- MIKE HUNT. ESQ.

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WE WISH THEY ALL COULD BE KIWI WHOOOOORES!

A New Zealand policewoman has been censured for some unauthorized "undercover" work — a stint moonlighting as a prostitute — but is being allowed to keep her day job after giving up the night duties. While prostitution is legal in New Zealand and police are allowed to take approved second jobs, a top officer said sex work and police work don't mix. The policewoman had worked for a limited time as a prostitute in the northern city of Auckland before her clandestine activity was uncovered, police said. Her name and rank have not been made public. A spokeswoman for the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective said that depending on the brothel in which she worked, the police officer could have earned 500 New Zealand dollars (US$312) on a busy night.

SEX SLAVES

Platinum X

Rating: FIVE “Champing at the bit” BUSTED NUTS

How do you spell triumph in porn?

S-E-X S-L-A-V-E-S.

That’s “slaves” as in plural. Not as in “dude, can I come by and use your slave again?” Not as in a few guys passing the slave around. That would make you a pretty sad slave owner, wouldn’t it?

No, sir, these are the kinds of multiple slaves that you’d sell the farm for.

EXHIBIT "A" AT THE AUCTION BLOCK -- NAOMI'S ASS.

There are more reasons for this to shake your meat stick at. The main one’s NAOMI, a centerpiece slave if ever there was one, here joining up with two other equestrian-themedly attired, slave-worthy sluts to get boned by the fire-hydrant cock of MANUEL FERRARA. “Cept one of the slaves draws the line at the backdoor. Makes you wonder who’s serving whom?

But as good as that is, the probable ultimate highlight of the movie is South East Asian dom whore MAX, dressed up like the meanest sex goddess ever to run a VC POW camp, screaming at her bitch AUBREY ADDAMS in god knows what fucking language to pick up the dildo gun and shoot herself in the face with its milky contents. It’s almost as good as Max’s subsequently getting assfucked.

I’m telling you, this movie rules. – STEELY ROB

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JAM PACKED ASSHOLES

Red Light District

Rating: THREE “if this is your elastic, near gay bag” BUSTED NUTS

Double anal is making a comeback.

Once all the rage and subject to many a Skullgame.com symposium, which all invariably concluded that the maneuver in question was for fags. Relinquished to the flash-in-the-pan fad heap, we thought the days of double anal-centric videos was over.

ISABEL ICE, CLEARLY IN THE "BEFORE" STAGE OF WHAT GOES ON IN THIS MOVIE

Is Red Light District’s JAM PACKED ASSHOLES the kick in the pants for this theme fraught with problems of the gay-panic inducing variety?

The video is a collection of double anal scenes. Two whole disks’ worth, in fact. Talk about stretching your dollar. We apologize.

But no matter whatever theme floats your sick little boat, the golden rule must always apply: your favorite themed porn with super hot chicks is way better than your favorite themed porn with hogs.

Jam Packed Assholes is a collection that unfortunately swings toward the latter, just as you might quiver in terror as you may find yourself one step closer to embracing the idea of swinging both ways from watching too much of this movie. Total pig-like sluts like British ISABEL ICE, “butterface” TYLA WYNN, the female equivalent to Mr, Ed, HYPNOTIQ, sordid, sordid and infinitely vile ARIANA JOLLEE, accursedly depraved ASHLEY BLUE, and the grotesque JADA FIRE.

The vid all comes together, though. Perhaps perfect harmony in its marriage of the prerequisite filthiest women available with the supposed end-all to untoppably bowel-churning sexual sickness, to complete some epitome of the vulgar sideshow. Just like Fred Nietzsche would have said if he wrote for Skullgame, “fuck not with monsters, lest you become a monster.” Already got horns growing out of your head? But the movie. – STEELY ROB

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BIG BUTT BROTHA LOVERS 6

Expxxx

Rating: FOUR “schoolin’ da busters” BUSTED NUTS

Has the whole world gone mad? Well, obviously.

Black pornographers keep shelling out so-called butt-centric vids, featuring enough ass on a single frame to provide lifetime padding for two or even three less fortunate women, but then inexplicably having little to no actual ass fucking.

Evidence of a cruel and malicious god? You be the judge.

LILIANE TIGER GETTING WARMED UP FOR THE BLACK COCKS

Luckily, there still are brothers that are sane. BIG BUTT BROTHA LOVERS 6 is the fucking proof.

Not only do the chicks have the kind of amazing asses that guys who are into amazing asses will unanimously deem amazing, but they take it up the ass. Genius? Sadly, only because no one else seems to get this all-too-fucking obvious point.

Director King Midas does us all one better, getting white and Latina girls with great asses not only in terms of size, but of quality. It’s ok, there will be no repeat of some of the emotionally-scarring images of unsuspectingly turning over a West Coast Video AZZ-themed box.

Chicks like LILIANE TIGER, LUSCIOUS LOPEZ, and LUCY LOVE? Yes, thank you.

“Damn, I love ass!” Midas says. Finally, a black guy with a healthy love of it. – STEELY ROB

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I’M A BIG GIRL NOW 5

Diabolic

Rating: THREE AND A HALF “a bright future” BUSTED NUTS

Little girls. Not so little anymore.

Why, I can remember when you were only this high. How you’ve grown. And to think, it’s all from taking a meat pole or two, or three, in your asses.

How time flies.

ROXXXY RUSH, LEAVING HER LITTLE GIRL-HOOD BEHIND

It seems like yesterday, it was Barbie. Today, you’re hot bodied black sex pot SKYLER DUPREE and you’re the mistress of reverse cowgirl anal fucking.

The My Little Pony collection is gathering dust while you, BOBI LAYNE, are expertly being double-teamed by men whose loads on the chin make you smile all the broader.

ROXXXY RUSH, well, your sudden explosion into adulthood is even more pronounced, as your boobs accelerated beyond control into elderly woman territory. Congratulations to you all the same.

Childhood innocence. You can’t hold on to it forever. But the future is in the hands of today’s anal sex-engaging youth, once wide-eyed, and now wide-anused. They were more than little girls, they were little women. – STEELY ROB

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SEX CITY

Private

Rating: FIVE “commitment to excellence” BUSTED NUTS

If there’s a porn version of the planets coming back into alignment, resulting in perfect harmony, it’s PIERRE WOODMAN returning to Private to direct movies again.

"TARANTINO, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!" AFRODITE NIGHT WITH THE RACK THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SEQUELS

In the mid- to late-90s, Woodman elevated his fuck flick craft to near retarded perfection. The ex-cop turned director’s movies all had plots that invariably featured liberal use of callous edginess, wrapped up in cavalier presentation that most prominently featured consistently hilarious dubbed over spoken parts. These were so oddly timed and awkward that they actually made the movies more likeable.

In terms of porn, I grew up watching Woodman’s movies in French. The early ones didn’t have English tracks. So out of nostalgia, I viewed SEX CITY, the latest and greatest Woodman movie yet, in French. At least the actual fucking is the real actors.

Sex City is obviously based on the smash hit SIN CITY. Like that movie, much of the scenes have sections in black and white, with select pieces of clothing in red or yellow. The result is artistic, eye-catching, and contributes to the eroticism. The tones are impossibly buttery and velvety, which also contributes to the movie’s appeal.

Since it’s a Woodman movie, you can be sure all the women are gorgeous, and even if they’re not, they look gorgeous in the movie. Even in the most depraved and stupid scenes, you wish the dude could be you in the movie.

How do we measure a perfect porn at Skullgame? When we blow loads to it in many installments over many days, not missing a second of the movie. And there’s more to come. Can’t wait. – STEELY ROB

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IF WE HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME...A SKULLGAME STUDY IN WISHFUL THINKING

The Appellate Division of the New Jersey Superior Court has tossed out a 2002 lawsuit filed by a Colts Neck High School student who sued almost everyone he could because his private parts were partially visible in a high school yearbook photo. In his original complaint, Tyler Bennett, then a junior and a member of the Colts Neck High School basketball team, stated that because he did not wear an athletic supporter under his basketball shorts, his genitals were partially visible in a photo published in the school's 2002 yearbook. Bennett, 22, sued the entire Freehold Regional Board of Education, superintendent James Wasser, the principal and vice principal of Colts Neck High School, teacher Deena Clark, yearbook advisor Al Sinclair, the publishing company that put out the yearbook and several fellow students who worked on the yearbook. According to his lawsuit, Bennett stated that he suffered from emotional distress.

blackhole_17

YOU MISSED A FUCKING SPOT

MAGGIE STAR from TRAINED TEENS 3

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=126076

ON GOLDEN REARS: THE SKULLGAME YEARS

An 80-year-old man who pleaded guilty to drug charges sold crack cocaine from his house and gave some of the drugs to prostitutes in exchange for sex, his lawyer said. Felix Cocco, of Pittsburgh, pleaded guilty Wednesday to charges of possession of a controlled substance, possession with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia. Police said Cocco had been dealing drugs for nearly a year when he was arrested in November. Officers seized crack cocaine, a digital scale and packaging materials, police said. Authorities said they caught Cocco dealing again in February. "I was trying to stay alive, your honor — pay my bills," Cocco told the Allegheny County judge.

A NAUSEATING ROOMFUL OF ADULTS ALL SAYING GOO GOO GAA GAA AT ONCE

http://www.adult-babies.com/

"Babies are SOOOOO CUTTTEEEEE!!!!"

Yeah yeah yeah. Except when they're not. And they're not usually when they're fucking 35 years old and swinging a dingleberried derriere over a crap in a goddamned diaper.

That's right. There are times when THE MACK is a little less than the total and all-consuming goddamned way of life of lush leisure that it usually is. Times when MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME is a place to be feared. Times when you're forced to contemplate the existences of mamaluks so fucking bored with living in the most exciting fucking country in the Industrial World that the only way to slake their thirst for experience is to have hot bitches powder their asses, feed them, and wipe...their...ASSES?!?!

What? Wait? They do all that? Really? The hot bitches? No, seriously, really?

Ok.

THIS IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST WEB SITE.

We were just way out of whack with all of that other shit as we can, in fact, think of nothing cooler than having hot bitches feed us, while we crap our pants, and they massage a variety of antiseptic smelling lotions onto our "gentles."

Genius.

DAVID LUGER'S FEED HER CHOCOLATE SEED

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "At Work, Rest Or Play MILKY Way" BUSTED NUTS

Whether you like Red Light District’s output or not, you can’t knock ‘em for their DVD titles. We’ve little respect for racial equality here, obviously – then again it would appear no man of this earth is equal in porno stakes when compared with the ‘chocolate’ from which these seeds are sewn.

Though not super stunning, the girls in this flick do have pretty tasty bodies – cover girl DENICE KLARSKOV sporting the tightest bubblebutt I have seen in a long while. Her visible admiration at her partner’s gargantuan manhood is piss funny, but that doesn’t stop her from putting in a fine performance – her screams verge on demonic possession at times. William Friedkin would be proud.

"YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL. BLACK COCKS. BUT COCKS NONETHELESS." DENICE KLARSKOV, AS REGAN IN THE EXORCIST.

MIA BANGG (what a fucking surname) comes on like the slutty foreign exchange student, all euro sleaze and blonde-haired nastiness (in the best possible sense, of course). She takes two guys on in a full-on roasting session, though her tits do have a tendency to ‘pancake’ when lying down, which soured the tender romance a tad for me.

GEN PADOVA initially looks like a cheap SANDRA ROMAIN (ah, the irony of dubbing a pornstar ‘not cheap’! Well fuck you, I found it amusing), though sadly she lacks Ms. Romain’s balls-out enthusiasm, and practically has an embolism trying to fit her boys inside her pussy.

JAMIE ELLE follows her, bizarrely coming off like a possessed, educationally challenged reject for the lead in Lolita. Was the casting agent specifically looking for scary, cod-psychotic teens here? Or have I read this scene all wrong? Thankfully COURTNEY SIMPSON (the staple dirty cheerleader – get in!) rounds proceedings off perfectly, her tan body getting a thorough workout after regaling the camera with her tales of fucking the high school basketball stars. The dirty bitch.

The pre-sex solo flirting definitely goes on way too long, but the rest of the scenes ain’t too bad. And the ‘100% Swallowing’ tag on the cover is no lie either. VINCENT GALLO should take a few lessons from these boys – at least it would’ve made the title of ‘The Brown Bunny’ a little more literal, if he’d had some chocolate seed to hand. -- TEABAG

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MANUEL FERRARA'S EVILUTION

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "2 Breath Mints In One" BUSTED NUTS

One always gets so excited at double DVDs.

I mean of course you jam Disc 2 in first because surely that's where you will see the stars coked off their head being forced to down the entire crew's collection of personal cock before being sprayed with olive oil and photographed boning various rock celebrities who got lost around 1989. I guess I'm just keen to see AXL ROSE doing anything, I admit it.

"WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, BABY!!!" TIFFANY RAYNE DOING HER BEST AXL ROSE IMITATION.

But don't be fooled: put Disc 1 in first and like most double DVDs use Disc 2 to return your girlfriend's copy of Beaches to the local Blockbuster. Woops. These four scenarios are pretty good. I was forced to play most of them in real time for a change and was genuinely surprised at the demented display of frothy cock munching and fucking that emanated from my screen. To top it off the first two scenes are filmed in a gigantic house designed by Escher himself and I was quite sure I caught a glimpse of him catching a quick appointment with Captain Hand as two supposed property buyers somehow persuaded a black woman with Carl Lewis' body to show them the various delights of all the rooms in the house.

The first scene was a little strange as I was sure I had met the star earlier in the day at a cafe where she was selling Amway.

In this scene she does a terrific job of persuading her 'husband' that she is a 'slut' then proceeds to have her face furiously punctured with the penis of that group of 7 guys that always appear like magic, fully erect, in Indian file, from frame right, with all the enthusiasm of a funeral procession.

Are they a boy band grown up?

Who are they? They would make a great subject for a documentary on Disc 2, 'Meet the 7 Dudes'. We could meet their wives, go to their BBQs and, of course, see their secret rehearsals where they draw straws to see who plays 'the girl.' Of course the Amway girl does the kneel and the guys get into cooking program mode and knead a layer of cream from their personal file before scuttling off to the next mansion where Beryl and Ramona are almost ready to come face to face with their esteemed lower halves.

Overall, this was good stuff, although sometimes the amount of time spent on one position sometimes allowed me to make a pretty decent Peking Duck before the next 'turn'. Although I think they were just enjoying themselves, or holding back because the 7 Dudes were caught in a traffic jam and were going to be 35 minutes late. Or something. -- MIKE HUNT, ESQ.

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CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE ANAL QUEEN

Lethal Hardcore

Rating: FOUR "What Are The Chances?" BUSTED NUTS

Revenge against prom queens seems to be the latest flavor of dick-stiffening obsession. But it’s just like any other wacky shit you freaks can come up with to get your jollies: make the girls hot, and don’t throw a lot of man ass in the way to ruin the view.

As far as CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE ANAL QUEEN is concerned, mission fucking accomplished.

LANA CROFT ON THE THAI IDOL TV SHOW? SIMON SAYS, "FUCK YEAH."

Five girls, all of whom have a deep, dark secret to confess. You’ll never believe it, either. They all, SECRETLY, want to get assfucked! Can you believe it? What are the chances?

For every Asian video whore that doesn’t take it in the ass, there’s one that nearly makes it up for all the others’ shortcomings. We’re glad LANA CROFT is here. She doesn’t swing on vines, carry two pistols, or raid tombs, but she’s got a tight, dark-skinned Oriental bod, and we’d rather see her naked and fucking over her big-screen counterpart any day.

Covergirl CODI would definitely be our second choice for a little tag-team action. She plays the stupid porn queen gone unfulfilled nearly perfectly, and there’s something about the way she chooses to say “asshole” like she’s suddenly from the ghetto that positively toes the line between the obnoxious and the oddly alluring.

Bah, it’s probably our senses talking that saw her in the pile driver position, looking up at the camera, asking for her next anal round. Ding, ding. –- STEELY ROB

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blackhole_08

WHO DO I HAVE TO BLOW TO GET A

DRINK AROUND HERE ANYWAY? YOU?!?

ALEXA RAE in BALL BUSTERS

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=125262

HELPING DAVE DIETRICH WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Yo Vinnie,
I got a bad case of nerves. Very bad. Well so bad that I vomit before dates and actually getting it up with a woman in the room, if history is any indicator, is unlikely to happen before her inevitable frustration and my shame. How do pornstars do it? And will medicines help?--D.D. (by email)

YES. I AM, IN FACT, LAUGHING AT YOU AND NOT WITH YOU. ACTUALLY, WE ALL ARE.

Dear Dave Dietrich: We understand how sensitive and embarrassing this must be for you DAVE DIETRICH. The shame and the continual frustration, as well as more than lingering concerns about your sexuality and your feelings of worth or value must be very trying, indeed, DAVE DIETRICH. However, we have good news (and of course some more bad news).

The good news is there is medicine that will help and despite the fact that NO ONE in porn claims to use it, the sexual dysfunction drugs are abused more than meth around these parts. Wait. That's not possible. Well, you know what I mean.

The bad news is it won't help. Nerves as bad as you've got them will override any drug function so our suggestion is this: very, very, very patient hookers.

And good luck to you DAVE DIETRICH.

KEN LAY TAKES THE EASY, NON-ASS-FUCKED-IN-THE-SHOWER-ROOM WAY OUT, THE BUSH WHITEY HOUSE BLOWS IT AGAIN, OLIVIA SUCKS A LOAD BELONGING TO THEMS THAT WROTE THIS & ITALIAN SAL PACINO REVISITS SHIT & THE SINGLE MAN IN A SKULLGAME RE-EXCLUSIVE!

EXTRA! EXTRA! KING CROOK KEN LAY FAKES DEATH AS JUDGE ROY BEAN PRIMPS HIS WEARS FOR MOCK WAKE REPLETE WITH POCKET PILFERING AND DAUGHTER-IAL DRY HUMPING IN THIS SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE

“Yous gottsa be fuckin’ kiddin’ me, right?” Bean queries with crooked brow when informed that this ever-rolling of the karmic wheel of balance is ending up, once again, in whiskey drinkin’, ugly broad porkin’, and middle-of-the-night pillow cryin’. As if it could ever really be any other way.

ASPEN(Skullgame)—Over-achieving figurative Jew motherfucker Kenneth L. Lay, former chairman and chief executive of financial fuckery firm Enron, has reportedly slipped the world yet another mickie in a death fabrication scheme that came to fruition when the bullet-ridden body of rhyming black and project-housing prophet 2Pac was found in bed with wife “Linda Lay: Bearer of Ugly Children” early Weds morning in the couple’s Aspen, CO den of iniquity.

Lay, who has been quoted as “hating Walt Disney too”, was awaiting sentencing for his role in the financial ruining of literally thousands of individuals in the country’s largest corporate fraud fiasco this side of KISS marketing when it dawned on him “why not just lay it all on a negro?”

From his secured underground bunker somewhere underneath Bohemian Grove, Lay, along with Enron co-conspirator Jeffrey K. Skilling, have been reported by the Associated Press as quoting “The Fugitive” ad nausem—calling former Enron investors and employees in the middle of the night and proclaiming “It wasn’t me! It was the one-armed man!”

In related news: Skullgame’s own Judge Roy Bean has made plans to attend the faux-funeral for purposes of drunkenly rubbing against Lay’s remarkably beastly daughters and socking the shockingly dark corpse’s arm while belligerently reciting “This motherfucker, here”s and “You motherfucker, you”s before delivering a eulogy tentatively entitled “Dear Glenn Frey: 25 Reasons Why I Hate Your Fucking Band And Wish You Cancer Of The Butthole.”

More news as it develops.

AND in another stunning new development that doesn't include anything on rape, killing, rape and killing, rape, killing and AK-47ing the family of thems that you have raped, killed and AK-47'd which, if you think about it probably led to the killing, and on the heels of the White House-U.S. Port Flap, Deputy Treasury Secretary Robert Kimmitt in a press conference today noted that the lucrative peanut, popcorn and hot dog concessions at Yankee Stadium, Flushing Meadows, Giants Stadium and Madison Square Garden have been turned over to Al Qaeda.

A CONCESSIONAIRE TRAGEDY: YES. BALLPARK FRANKS DO PLUMP WHEN YOU COOK THEM.

"We were worried that the presence of pork byproducts would queer the deal," said a resolute Kimmitt. "But when we switched over to Hebrew National all-beef franks it seemed to be we dodged a bullet."

When asked if he believed this present a possible security problem with Al Qaeda's well publicized jihad against American interests Kimmitt spit out his martini and said, resolutely, "Fuck no."

POP QUIZ: QUIEN ES MAS LOAD?

REASON #37 WHY THIS ENTIRE SITE IS DEDICATED TO OLIVIA: OUR LOADS LOVE HER!!!

“A CHAZER BELIBT A CHAZER” AS JEWS CONTINUE TO JEW NON-JEWS OUT OF AID, CITING MORAL QUALMS WITH FUNDING COUNTRIES THAT MAY BE PRONE TO TERROR ENDEAVORS. “OY VEY”, SAYS LONG ISLAND. “ONGETSHEPTER”, RESPONDS THE WORLD.

MINUTES AFTER CONVERSING WITH ONE GENE SIMMONS, ACTING ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER EHUD OLMERT DISMISSES THURSDAY’S SECRET “FOLLOW UP” SESSION TO RETREAT TO A LIFE OF FREEBASING PENNIES, TRADEMARKING KISS SPATULAS, AND JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF BANKS THAT JUDGE ROY BEAN IS NO LONGER ALLOWED IN FOR REASONS WE WILL NOT SPEAK OF HERE.

JERUSALEM (SkullGame) — Israeli officials Thursday afternoon voted once again, reportedly after forgetting the previous week's session upon learning that matzoh balls and frigid bitches would not be replacing the Euro as the standardized currency, AGAINST giving money that isn’t theirs to people who are not their own, claiming that the newly arisen Hamas leadership in neighboring Palestine posed a great threat to the KISS franchise and thus cannot be supported, saying “we moved in here and flourished due not to our utter raping of any country foolish enough to offer camaraderie but because of our ability to sell fat middle-aged losers lunchboxes, fanny packs, ice cream treats, Chia pets, and coffins bearing the KISS logo or, in times of our intense jewish nature taking the lead, the aforementioned products featuring only one of the four faces of KISS—thus leaving these sexless morons still caught in a horrible trap of deciding whether to buy four of each products or commence living a life never worth living. We simply cannot risk some crazy goy taking our rightfully plundered resources and spending it on food products that could potentially ruin perfectly marketable KISS accessories.”

Gene Simmons, bassist and figurehead for KISS, could not be reached for comment, presumably because he was busy having sex with 5,000 women and creeping into windows late at night, singing God of Thunder, and kiking children out of their foreskins.

Cabinet Minister Ronnie Bar On said the Cabinet would urge the international community to follow suit, but he stressed that the recommendation would not affect the transfer of funds to humanitarian organizations, namely those that are willing to hand out KISS ARMY catalogues to starving, towel-headed Palestinian sandnegros in lieu of food, water, and shelter.

Strained talks regarding sanctions being imposed on Palestine by the United States, Israel, and the EU with Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas and Hamas leader, Mamahamabama Loo, are expected to continue into next week. Members of KISS will not be present, however, with guitarist/singer Paul Stanley being busy convincing people that he really isn’t gay, Gene Simmons tending to his shoulder hair, and guitarist Ace Frehley and drummer Peter Criss being “too fucking high to even bother being Jews.”

A SAL PACINO TALE OF WOE: CARS, CRAP & CRAZY CRACKHEADS: A TROIKA OF TERROR.

EXHIBITS A THROUGH 5: THIS CAR MARAUDER WILL BE FOUND!!!

There is a certain satisfaction that which comes with firmly burying one's foot deep within a much deserving ass.

This same satisfaction has continued to elude me since my injury in December, however…it seems as if after a full two months--today being the anniversary of my surgery--after two months, the arm that which was as useless as a set of tits on a bull is beginning to show marked improvement; a testament to the curing power of running…and positive thinking; the latter being a lie I use to impress women into sleeping with me.

Running, positive thinking and lying for the sake of pussy aside, back to the point at hand…that point being: Crack head, whoever and wherever you are, please immediately desist from SHITTING on my car! Now I don’t mean the abstract shitting on one's car, for example, smoking in the passenger seat or eating McDonalds and spilling ketchup on my sheepskin covers.

No, in this instance I mean actual SHITTING. Moving one's bowels, pinching a loaf, seeing a man about a horse, you know…shitting…ON…my…CAR!

Please stop it. Now I'm sure that many will say, “hey this is testament to the safety of your neighborhood: could you imagine a greater accolade than someone feeling safe and comfortable enough in your neighborhood as to engage in their most private of activities there…out in the open no less.”

To which I would say, “Fuck you, pal. Apes shit wherever the fuck they want and more importantly don’t try to pull a silver lining out of a crackhead's ass…unless of course my foot is attached to that silver lining.”

STOP SHITTING ON MY CAR!

And eat some bran, anything with fiber really.

Thanks for listening.

RUSSIAN PREDATOR-IN-CHIEF PUTIN MAKES PENIS PLAY

In between answering questions about North Korea's missiles, Iran's nuclear program and relations with the United States, Russian President Vladimir Putin answered what was for many observers a more burning question: What compelled him to kiss the bare stomach of a young boy in a Kremlin courtyard? Footage of the June 28 incident was broadcast on all Russian television stations, quickly became fodder for Internet chat rooms and topped the Moscow tabloids the day after. In the footage, Putin, 53, is shown walking up to a small crowd of tourists in a Kremlin courtyard and crouching down in front of the boy, who appears to be five or six years old. As the Russian president talks with Nikita for several seconds, he tugs at the boy's shirt before finally lifting it up and kissing him on his bare stomach.

LEGAL TEENS: TEENS WITH TITS! #1

Sinful Pleasures

Rating: FOUR "Could Have Been 5 If Not For The Title" BUSTED NUTS

Sort of a loose premise, I know.

However… the quality of natural-tit having honeys is so outstanding in this, the number one in the TEENS WITH TITS (versus what we wonder? TEENS WITHOUT TITS: THE MASTECTOMY #1) series, I am more than willing to forgive the simplistic title. Starring the always-sexy MEMPHIS MONROE, her scene, the first one in, and every one after it are essentially one-guy plus one-girl affairs.

LEGAL TEEN WITH TITS MEMPHIS MONROE ENCOUNTERING A LITTLE SKULLGAMESQUE HOSPITALITY BEFORE BEING SUMMARILY DISMISSED WITH AN EMPTY PURSE, A LOAD-SMEARED GRILL AND ONE SHOE MISSING

I know, very romantic.

Outside of the obvious unfilled holes issue this movie is actually pretty good, holding it down for those of us who enjoy chicks with big, natural tits Sinful Pleasures puts together an interesting mélange of big-breasted beauties, and along with the aforementioned Memphis Monroe we have ALICIA RHODES and TIANA LYNN just to name a few, you know…keeping it real!!!! -- SAL PACINO

Buy It NOW!

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I'M A PREGNANT WHORE: NOW GIMME MONEY!!!

YO VINNIE,
First she told me she was pregnant. Then she said she was going to tell my wife. Then she said she needed money. Then she wasn't pregnant and she had spent the money on an abortion and she needed more money to make up for the money she lost (she's an escort) by being pregnant and then aborted [sic]. I love her but this is too much. What should I do?--Shocked (by email)

WHAT YOU SEE

WHAT SHE SEES

Dear Rest Haven 4 Hoes: Kill yourself.

ASS HOLES #2

And not a single bit of footage

of AXEL BRAUN, AXEL ROSE or

JEFF MULLEN anywhere in here.

251916

"THE ANSWER IS YES!" SKULLGAME CELEBRATES RACISM!!! TOOKIE WILLIAMS AND AUSTRALIA, ALL IN THE SAME BREATHE. PLUS FLUTE FUCKER SINGLE & MINGLING AGAIN, RICH RAPPER INVITES OTHER RICH RAPPER TO KILL HIM & PARIS HILTON SUCKS. AGAIN.

THIS repeat issue [we're still dope sick] of SkullGame is brought to you by the continent of AUSTRALIA & is in celebration of the love that only racism can breed and is dedicated to shotgunning achiever STANLEY "TOOKIE" WILLIAMS who was guilty of not shotgunning poorly, but unwisely; and in the back of the head.

AUSTRALIANS CELEBRATING RACISM THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW: WITH A BEER, GAY TRIBAL TATTOOS, AVIATOR SHADES & A STUNNINGLY EFFECTIVE SHIRTLESS THING THAT REALLY SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR THEM. THE ARAB VICTIM, IN THIS INSTANCE? A BIG FAN OF CAMUS. HOW'D YOU GUESS?!?!

IT MOST CERTAINLY IS!!! SO FORTHWITH OUR NEWEST SKULLGAMESHOW: THE ANSWER IS YES!

That Jew ripped me off!!!

YES!!!



That Black guy has no job! Wait a minute...he DOES have a job. But he shows up at 10? High?

YES!!!



That Mexican is going to steal my wallet. His knife is proof of that alone.

YES!!!



That Irish fellow is A) vomiting in my planter box, B) eating the vomit from the planter box in an effort to clean up, C) trying to fight me besmeared with vomit and dirt from the planter box, or D) all of the fucking above?

YES!!!

STAY TUNED TOM'W FOR ANOTHER THRILLING EPISODE OF "THE ANSWER IS YES!"

AMERICAN PIE SLUT SLOUGHS OFF PARASITIC JEW HUSBAND IN RACE MIXING RECTIFICATION

THE BEAUTEOUS ARYAN BEAUTY

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Hollywood beauty SHANNON ELIZABETH and husband and Jew JOSEPH REITMAN have split after nearly three years of race mixing when Elizabeth realized she was betrothed to a usurer. People magazine reported Monday that the "American Pie" actress, 31, and fellow "actor" Reitman, 36, had an amicable split and will continue to share their Los Angeles home.

Spokeswoman Nicole King says, "The couple will remain friends. And the Jew still has a meal ticket!"

The pair wed in Mexico in June 2002.

NOTE THE JEWS HAND? WHAT MIGHT HE BE HOLDING? OUTSIDE OF AN OVERLY LARGE PENIS? "SHEKELS?" VERY GOOD GUESS.

The couple had been at the center of reports for months that their marriage is in trouble, with friends claiming Elizabeth was furious when Reitman participated in a Jew prank on her for Ashton Kutcher's TV show "Punk'd."

RICH NIGRA THAT TALKS WELL MAKES GENIUS OFFER TO OTHER RICH NIGRA THAT TALKS WELL: KILL ME

50 CENT NIGRA IN HIS JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PHOTO

JEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Dirty rich Nigra "Rap" "artist" who goes by the criminal alias of The Game has continued his war of words with another dirty rich Nigra "Rap" "artist" 50 Cent, by daring his "scared coward" of a former mentor to "kill" him.

The Amazing Apeman told the audience at the Vault 350 Club in Long Beach that he himself decided to quit Mud person 50 Cent's hip-hop collective, presciently called GORILLA-Unit, or G-Unit, and that he wasn't fired; an experience, being a darkie, that he should be well used to.

Then the rapper in a move of stunning intellectual reasoning added that he isn't worried about getting shot, a comment made in response to the incident last week when a member of 50 Cent's entourage was shot and wounded in the lobby of a New York radio station. The incident occurred shortly after 50 Cent announced live on air The Game was no longer a member of G-Unit.

The Game said, "I'm not hiding up at the [radio] station. Though I am presently a multimillionaire, I'm real and still from the streets. I'm a real person. If you don't like me, then kill me. I ain't afraid. Come get me, you little faggot. I ain't scared."

ATTORNEY JEFFREY JEW IS AN INCREDIBLY CRAFTY, YET HIGHLY STUPID, HEBREW JUDGING BY THE NIGGAS HE "HANGS" WITH

The Game's Jew lawyer, Jeffrey Lichtman, told the Jew York Post, "He's just blowing off some steam. He's angry. This is a very bright guy, for a Nigra, he just reacted to what happened. Like a Nigra. What The Game said in the concert had nothing to do with the shooting. I think his comment speaks for itself. We're in America and he can say whatever he wants. I support his right to free expression as long as it allows me to continue plundering the coffers of White America while he fucks their daughters."

RACE MIXER PARIS HILTON ALIENATES OTHER RACE MIXERS BY APPEARING WITHOUT A MOUTHFUL OF MANMEAT

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THAT THAT PENIS BELONGS TO ANY WHITE MAN WHO IS NOT ALSO A HOMOSEXUAL!!!!

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Blood Libelist PARIS HILTON left the "Saturday Night Live" team unimpressed when she hosted the TV comedy show last month, thanks to her bad attitude and unfriendly behavior.

But the hotel heiress thought she really clicked with the host of comedians.

A show insider tells TV Guide, "Paris was one of the most self-absorbed hosts ever. She was an energy vacuum on stage, and her performance was minimally acceptable." Cast members went so far as to run a betting pool to see if they could coerce Hilton into saying something friendly -- but she remained totally unaware of her impact.

She told Page Six, "Everyone was like, 'Wow, you could be on the show every week. You're so chill.'"

Chink lover.

WITH SUGAR & SPICE & EVERYTHING NICE. LIKE SEMEN.

Hot Bitches On Parade

YES. I'M GETTING READY FOR A MAGICAL EVENING OF MASTURBATION. WHY DO YOU ASK?

Yeah, sometimes it all starts to get to you. The rimjobs, the pop shots, the DPs, the pee pee, the ATMs and the 12 on 1's. You know what we mean: motherfucking sensation overload.

Or like that band SSD used to sing: HOW MUCH ART CAN YOU TAKE?

Fucking A right.

So it's for times precisely like this, when all you really want to do is have Calgon take you away, that they invented the HOTBOX. Or as we prefer to call it, the HOTFUCKINGBOX. Nice looking bitches and completely low octane set ups will have you drifting away on a dreamy cloud of milky masturbation. You know the kind: where you wake up a few hours later with your cock in a sock and a total inability to remember how it got there.

Yup. That's what this site is for. Tune in, jerk off, drop out. Sweet dreams.

HAPPY FUCKING 4TH OF JEW-LIE AS WE CELEBRATE GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER STARRING ROBERT "I AIN'T DO IT" BLAKE, KARL "ANYBODY WHO GETS IN MY WAY" ROVE, TOM "MY CAREER" SIZEMORE & MADONNA "EVERYONE ELSE'S CAREER"!!! PLUS: SKULLGAME HITS NYC!! & HOMOS!!

AND let it never be said that when one of our number was downed that we didn't pull together as a team, band together to bind the common bounds of brotherhood and, with one voice, use it to raise high the rafters with the cry of "DIRTY COKE WHORE!!!" when it was most needed.

AND WE'VE GOT PROOF NOW YOU SLUTTY SLUT SLUT, YOU. THOUGH WE ARE PRESENTLY BEING ENJOINED BY LEGAL FORCES MUCH LARGER & JEWY THAN OUR OWN HEBREW LEGAL EAGLES, WE EVENTUALLY WILL SHOW YOU IN ALL YOUR COKED OUT FUCKING DICK SUCKING GLORY, KATE.

PS: WE LOVE YOUR WORK.

ROBERT BLAKE'S NEW ATTORNEY DAVID HOROWITZ KNOWS "A THING OR TWO ABOUT WIFE KILLING."

"BANG BANG, YOU'RE DEAD!!! HEYYY...WHAT?!?! I WAS ONLY KIDDING!!!!"

BURBANK (SkullGame) -- A defense attorney in the civil trial of a wrongful-death lawsuit against ROBERT BLAKE on Tuesday cited a letter written by the actor's slain wife to her probation officer that claimed she had nearly been killed a half-dozen times. By "Chinee peoples and/or other restaurant kind of people that were not Robert Blake who never keeps a gun in his car, only in the restaurant. Yes. That's right. Only in the restaurant."

Attorney Peter Ezzell attempted to bolster the theory that there were many "Chinee people, specifically Chinamen" who wanted to kill Bonny Lee Bakley. Blake was acquitted of murder in March, but Bakley's children are now suing him for damages, claiming he was responsible for her Chinee death squad death in 2001 at age 44.

Ezzell showed the letter to Blake, who indicated it had been written between November 1999 and June 2000, when Bakley was pregnant with the couple's daughter, Rosie, now 5, and when she was dictating all of her letters to him because "she never did writ too well ever. I mean englishly speaking." Bakley wrote: "I've almost been killed a half a dozen times. By the inscrutable yellow menace not named Robert Blake." Neither nor Ezzell nor Blake elaborated on the circumstances to which Bakley referred.

STEELY ROB'S FAVORITE PERSONAL OF THE WEEK: HOMELESS STUD SEEKS BAGLADY QUEEN

LOVES LONG WALKS. AND, UM, MORE LONG WALKS. AND REALLY, REALLY LONG WALKS. AND COLLECTING THINGS.

Reply to: anon-102098388@craigslist.org

When downtown or south of Market, you might have seen me down and out. I'm 30, tall, rugged, and my teeth are still pretty good. You must be 20-35, into junk collecting, sleeping in, talking in tongues, and screaming in general. Write me and if I like you, I'll invite you over to my space to check out my shopping carts. My snappy panhandling signs are guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Do you want a filthy relationship? It doesn't get any better than this, honey.

KARL "KILLER" ROVE VOWS TO "NEVER BE TAKEN ALIVE"..."MOSTLY ON ACCOUNT OF ALL THE HOMOSEXUAL RAPE THAT OCCURS IN PRISON. SHOULDN'T PRISON HAVE A 'DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL HOMO POLICY WHEREBY IF YOU DECLARE YOUR HOMOTUDE YOU GET THROWN OUT? BESIDES WHICH I'M A PRIME CANDIDATE FOR HAVING TO MAKE JAILHOUSE LOVE TO SOME WELL MUSCLED MAN WHO MAKES ME HOLD HIS BELT LOOP BETWEEN RENTING MY LILY WHITE ASS TO LATIN DRUG DEALERS...OH. I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. IT'S, UM, IT'S....YOU KNOW....TERRIBLE. AND ALL."

"YOU SEE...THEY'LL MAKE ME WEAR AN ANAL PLUG ABOUT YEA-LONG....IT'LL BE....HORRIBLE...I MEAN I HEAR TELL..."

WASHINGTON (SkullGame) -- Juggling appearances before a grand jury and conservative admirers, like he'll be juggling balls in the federal stony lonesome, didn't seem to make sense, so presidential adviser KARL ROVE has canceled three such outings as he waits to hear whether he or anyone else who leaked a CIA officer's identity will be indicted in the leak of a CIA officer's identity.

Rove canceled plans to attend two Republican fund-raisers, the national party confirmed Tuesday. And he did not give his scheduled speech to the conservative Hudson Institute think tank on Oct. 11.
Republican National Committee spokesman Brian Jones said scheduling conflicts kept Rove from an RNC fund-raiser Monday night in Greenwich, Conn., and a Virginia Republican Party fund-raiser Saturday.

Jones would not specify what the conflicts were or whether they had anything to do with the federal grand jury that Rove has testified before four times. "He was unable to attend," Jones said. "As I believe he was fueling up his jet or something....like stuffing large bills into small tubes that he subsequently inserted up his anus. Along with cigarettes and other potentially useful items."

The grand jury is investigating whether a crime was committed when Rove and fellow White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby along with possibly others in government leaked information about covert CIA officer Valerie Plame, the wife of Bush administration critic Joseph Wilson.

TOM "SLAPPY" SIZEMORE DRIVES BIG OL' COFFIN NAILS INTO THE THREADBARE REMNANTS OF HIS ERSTWHILE CAREER. AGAIN.

"YEAHHH....NOW FOR MY NEXT MOVE? A CELEBRITY SLASHING. DEFINITELY. DEFINITELY.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Troubled actor TOM SIZEMORE had his probation reinstated Monday, a month after he was ordered to spend another 30 days in a rehabilitation center for possessing amphetamines.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Paula Mabrey told the actor she had seen "remarkable improvement" in his fight against drug addiction. Sizemore's lawyer Michael Rovell told the hearing, "He is licking his problem. By fighting fire with fire. He is licking it. Huffing it. Stuffing it. Shooting it. And smoking it up. It is not an easy problem to overcome, believe me, but right now he is winning the battle. Or something."

Judge Mabrey told Sizemore, "I believe that you know what you need to do to stay out of prison," while nodding toward her crotch. Until Monday, Sizemore had been living at a rehab clinic in Pasadena, Calif., since July. Last month, he had his probation revoked after using a prosthetic device to fake a drug test in May.

Sizemore is due to appear in court again on November 4.

MADONNA IS A WHORE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

"I WILL DESTROY YOUR CAREER WITH AS MUCH REGARD FOR IT AS I HAVE FOR THESE CHICKENS I'M POISONING FOR MY OWN SORDID AMUSEMENTS.

ENGLAND (SkullGame) -- MADONNA says she's the disciplinarian with 9-year-old Lourdes and 5-year-old Rocco. The former material girl told Newsweek that she doesn't let her children watch TV or look at magazines lest they discover what a complete and total unregenerate whore their mother is. She says milk and ice cream are also off-limits.

"When Daddy gets home from a long day of mourning a career that died right in front of his very eyes, they get chocolate," Madonna said. "I'm the disciplinarian."

She's also strict about laundry duties: If Lourdes leaves dirty clothes on the floor, "we take all of her nanny's clothes and put them in a bag, and she has to earn all of her nanny's clothes back by being tidy," Madonna said. "She wears the same outfit every day to school until she learns her lesson. While the nanny, of course, remains naked. For my amusement, of course."

AND WE'RE GOING TO BE IN JEW YORK CITY UNTIL MONDAY, JULY 8TH. ALL URGENT INQUIRIES CAN BE SENT TO VINNIE@SKULLGAME.COM, MOTHERFUCKERS.

THE PLAN? TO INTRODUCE HIM TO LT. TODD ATKINS

HOMOS!!!!

TOM CRUISE HAS A NEW RESTAURANT AND IT'S AB FAB, SWEETIE.

ME CHINEE, ME MAKE JOKE, ME MAKE PP IN YOUR COKE

The former convenience store clerk who urinated into a Mountain Dew bottle that was later gulped by an unsuspecting customer was sentenced to six months in jail this morning. Anthony Mesa, who has already served half his sentence since he pleaded no contest to tampering with a consumer product, also will remain on a form of house arrest for two years after he is released. Circuit Judge James R. Clayton withheld adjudication for the 22-year-old, which means he will not be considered a convicted felon if he abides by his sentence. Mesa was working at a Pix store on Howland Boulevard in Deltona in August when he and a co-worker decided to play practical jokes. They put eggs in beer cartons, and Mesa thought it would be funny to urinate into a drink, according to arrest reports. He faced up to 30 years in prison for the prank.

LOVE THAT ASIAN ASS

And we're even MORE fond of

Asian assholes. Specifically the

ones with our cocks nuts deep

in them.

262424

TALES OF SEDUCTIONS

Colossal Entertainment

Rating: THREE "Just Show Me The Money (Shot)" BUSTED NUTS

I've harped on this before, but it obviously must be said again: If you're making an adult entertainment feature film, and you give it a theme, then stick to your fucking theme. Artistic vision is only as strong as it is long—to use the parlance of the genre—meaning that the application of thematic framework only succeeds if the theme is adhered to throughout the duration of the film.

"GET THE FUCK OFFA MY LAWN. AND LEAVE THE LOAD." ANGEL EYES, SHOWING THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS WHAT SHE'S MADE OF.

When it comes to sticking to the point, this movie fails abysmally. Scenes with titles like "The Assistant Photographer," "The Mistress," "The Trespasser," "The Voyeur," and "The Ex," might lead viewers to expect some tales of seduction that actually have to do with the themes established at the scenes' outset. But no. Basically, the story sets up the sex scene, the players fuck, the scene ends.

Artistically, all but one of these five vignettes, "The Trespasser," lacks follow-through. In it, ANGEL EYES finds a trespasser sunning by her pool, so instead of calling the cops, she sucks and fucks him dry, then, with a chin covered in his kids, she tells him to get the fuck off her property. That one simple line works nicely by using the scene's stated theme, trespassing, as it's closure. The other scenes don’t even come close to that kind of continuity.

It's a good thing that these girls—SOPHYA, KEANNA DIOR, ANGEL EYES, COURTNEY SIMPSON and VICTORIA LANE—all fuck like Olympic champions. By the time the each scene ended, I had forgotten all about the storyline it began with, and this movie almost got a slightly higher rating.

It was only at the end of the film (the fourth or fifth time I watched it) that I realized it's inherent shortcoming: Without the prowess of professional pussies plying their trade, this film would just be another failed venture from a director who has obviously confused his day job with his artistic aspirations. –- MAXIMUM

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MICHAEL NINN'S SOLOEROTICA #7

Ninn Worx

Rating: THREE "Han Solo" BUSTED NUTS

Ah, what a welcome change this makes to midget porn and graphic Japanese bukkake – 20 genuinely foxy bitches enjoying the pleasure of their own company, all captured in glorious hi-def for my masturbatory guilt. Let’s just hope the disc lives up to the quality of the cover art. It’s laminated sheen is almost a wank fantasy in itself.

"HI. MY NAME IS GEORGIA ADAIR. AND I AM ABOUT TO SELF-PLEASURE MYSELF. AND AS A RESULT OF EVEN THINKING THE PHRASE 'SELF-PLEASURE' HAVE YOU STARTED TO FEEL GAY YET? OH. YOOOOOOOU WILL."

Okay, here’s the deal – if soft-focus, well-lit, high-budget dirt with nary a cock in sight isn’t your cup of earl grey, then this shit ain’t gonna set your pubic hair on fire. Thankfully I’m more than happy to see expensive-looking pussy having some solo fun, and for that, this DVD is – as Cartman would say – totally tits. Girls such as KATSUMI, GEORGIA ADAIR, SUE DIAMOND, KELLY TAYLOR – these are immaculate women who know they’re hot, and are more than happy to get their fingers wet to prove it. The comedy voiceovers do often get in the way of one’s enjoyment, I mean I’m here to watch 20 bitches get a high surf mark around their wrist, not to hear their inner monologues. It’s porn, not Alan Bennett. I’ll forgive it though, as the so-called ‘plot’ does seem to be a staple of the high budget flicks, despite the fact that Harry Knowles is hardly likely to post a review of this particular feature and it’s characterization merits on aintitcool.com.

However, despite the immense array of perfect bodies and dazzling paychecks behind this project, some sections are a little on the short side – as if the girl’s hand got tired, or the cameraman was struggling to pull his focus, as well as his cock, so simply called it a day. Plus on more than one occasion they come off like college media studies films, countless video filters obscuring the true glory of SHY LOVE's tits, for instance. But I’m a sucker for this shit, it makes me laugh… and makes my reviews easier to write! -- TEABAG

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JONNI DARKKO'S SUCK IT DRY #2

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "'Did He Say Five' 'Yeah, I Think He DID Say Five' 'But He NEVER Say Five'" BUSTED NUTS


Christ on a pogo stick.

Here's the part where I take back EVERY goddamned derogatory thing I've EVER said about Jonni Darkko, Evil Angel, or Al Franken. This is a throwback, motherfucker. Pure and simple. This harkens back to the amazingly sloppy VANESSA DEL RIO blowjobs. See...it's NOT just the motion, motherfuckers. It's the Intent.

That's right, capital I Intent.

DANA VESPOLI INTRODUCING BUTCHER BOB TO FOREVER, ITALIAN STYLE.

The best part about watchin ol' Vanessa suck cock was...well...the fact that it was 1981 and porn was NOT so fucking easy to access. You little bastards have it easy, I tell ya. Easy. I used to have to actually GO to the video store, and pick one ( yeah..well..six or seven) video tapes and proudly slam them down on the counter for rental. Unlike you, I've never had the luxury of having porn STREAMED RIGHT TO ME while wearing swim fins, a boy scout uniform top and a coonskin hat. Like you.

Oh...yeah...Vanessa Del Rio...that girl LOVED to suck cock. You could see it in her glazed eyes. Drooling. Adoring. Lavishing full and total attention to the cock. What cock? Well...any cock that happened to come anywhere near her gaping maw.

This flick is like that...what...12 full scenes...and I kid you not. I don't like you enough to waste my good humor on you. I'd still give this flick 5 busted nuts if it only showed the first scene for 3 fucking hours. Over and over again. SANDRA ROMAIN. Write that name down. On the back of your hand. Use a permanent marker. Lucky for me, and my ADD-riddled brain...there's other whores here. Why? For MY amusement, fuckface. DANA VESPOLI's a hot little slut...one I could watch suck cock for hours...preferrably while I wrap my fist in her hair.

I'm ranting, and maybe even a little raving. But these cocksuckers, these dirty little ball-lickers, start to finish are TOP notch. Not a one of them shies away from having their throat fucked and their faces glazed.

Simply no room for improvement. -- BUTCHER BOB

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