THIS version of SkullGame is sponsored by WHIP-ITS: Fun for kids of all ages!™ So if you like glue, magic marker fumes and/or butane gas huffed through a tube in the backseat of Jake's station wagon, you'll absolutely, positively LOVE our WHIP-ITS: Fuck you just leave me alone, I'm fine!™
FUCK YOU FUN FROM FOUR TO FORTY FUCKING FOUR!!!
THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG DISTANCE LOAD
"I'M LEAVING!!! AND I'M TAKING MY SAND WITH ME!!!" SAYS THE NOW SELF-ESTEEM & JIPE-FILLED STEPHANIE RED AS SHE LEAVES OUR ERSTWHILE ITALIAN SAL
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- On a gray day in San Francisco SkullGame's own ITALIAN SAL enjoys a moment of quiet reflection mere 12 hours after realizing that our very first SkullGame discovery, STEPHANIE RED, has fled the warm, slightly damp but no-less-capacious bosom of what for want of a better word we call HOME. "I look around this place," said a visibly perturbed Sal. "And I think about all the good times. The time I locked her in the closet. The times I threw her out in the hallway naked," gently dabbing at his eyes. "Even the time I locked her in the closet. Oh. I guess I already mentioned that. Anyways, I think of all of those times and I look around this place and I wonder: who? who? WHO will now fold these clothes? After hauling them to the crackhead laundermat? Who will empty this garbage? Who? Who? Who will buy me seat covers for my car?"
While the exigencies of Load Extraction ("WHO Will Have It Now?") are presently consuming all of Sal's waking time, we make this, a simple plea: if you are a load-bearing professional in need of work, work which we now have loads and loads of, please contact vinnie@skullgame.com. Thank you.
OLSEN TWINS' STALKER INVESTS 768 MAN HOURS TO SNAP DE-THATCHED (POSSIBLY) TWIN SNATCH
"OHMIGOD...THERE'S NO FUCKING STEERING WHEEL UP HERE....NOPE. NOTHING. JUST ME AND MY SNATCH. AND THAT WELL-USED BINDLE OF YAYO IN MY PURSE."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- My name is Yoza. I write for SkullGame. I photographed this teen snatch because when I am not surfing I am a teen snatch photographer. Thank you, very much."
SELF-ESTEEM FLEES TOWN, YIELDING THE FLOOR TO AVARICE AS DUMB ASS TRICKS OUT FOREHEAD FOR GAMBLING CONCERN.
UTAHTONIAN KARI SMITH SMILES AT HER HARD-EARNED 45 SECONDS OF FAME
SALT LAKE CITY (SkullGame) -- For $10,000, KARI SMITH has not only won the undisputed world rights to the title Most Likely To Be Working At SkullGame As Soon As We Get On the Goddamned Phone Award, but has, in a move stinking of her think tank-like efforts at trailer genius, gone ahead and had her forehead tattooed with the Web address of a gambling site.
Smith, 30, of a city called, curiously enough, Bountiful, sold her unusual advertising space on eBay. She said the money will give her 11-year-old son a private education, which she believes he needs, in full-on Fruit From The Tree Fashion, after falling behind in school.
"For the all the sacrifices everyone makes, this is a very small one," she said. "It's a small sacrifice to build a better future for my son. To everyone else, it seems like a stupid thing to do. To me, $10,000 is like $1 million. I only live once, and I'm doing it for my son," she said. "Especially if by 'son' you mean that Mexican on the BMX I keep seeing around here."
REASON #37: THE EXACT MANNER IN WHICH SAN FRANCISCO MIGHT MAKE ONE GAY.
"I DO NOT SHAVE MY UNDERARMS. NOR BRUSH MY TEETH. WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN A CARROT!!! FUCK YOUR SYSTEM!!!" YES. SOMETHING ELSE YOU NEVER WANTED TO SEE. UNLESS YOUR NAME IS VINNIE ROSE. AND THEN IT'S EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO SEE, BUT WERE AFRAID TO STOP MENTIONING. EVER.
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- "AGGGGHHHHHHHHH....MY EEEYYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!"
CHRISTIAN GROUP SLAMS JESSICA SIMPSON. AT FIRST, SLOWLY. THEN LATER, FASTER. THOUGH STILL MORE INSISTENT
LOOK, WE MAKE FUN OF JESSICA SIMPSON BUT DEEP DOWN WE REALLY JUST WANT TO DRAPE A LOAD ACROSS HER UPPER LIP.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- A Christian group has demanded JESSICA SIMPSON apologize for her raunchy new music video. Or they will spank her warm yielding buttocks.
The Resistance has dubbed the video for her cover of Nancy Sinatra's "The Boots Are Made for Walking" "slutty," and want her to shoot a cleaner, non-spooge worthy version.
They object to her risque behavior in the video, which includes simulated sex acts with a water hose while she washes a car wearing a skimpy bikini for a song on the soundtrack for the upcoming The Dukes of Hazzard movie, particularly because Simpson's father is a Baptist pastor and they view her, and each one of big giant tay tays as Christian role models.
The group's representative John Conner says, "It's sad to see her whore herself out like this. She's a singing stripper. A singing, sucking, suck simulating stripper who dances and pumps and pumps and dances, dances, dances encourage men to fuck their fists in impotent rages while her lips....well, you get the idea."
TOM CRUISE BELIEVES IN ALIENS. VERY, VERY GAY ALIENS. FROM ENSENADA. BUT ALIENS NONETHELESS
"NUFF GODDAMNED SAID...."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- NON-HOMOSEXUAL Actor TOM CRUISE believes in aliens, strong strapping aliens, working as pool boys, at his house, claiming it would be arrogant to think we, as humans, were alone in this universe with no one to give us back rubs, or anything. The movie star is currently promoting his new film, War of the Worlds, which sees him on the run from extra-terrestrials who cause havoc on earth.
In an interview with German newspaper Das Bild, Cruise says, "Yes, of course (I believe in aliens). Are you really so arrogant as to believe we are alone in this universe? Millions of stars, and we're supposed to be the only living creatures? No, there are many things we just don't know about: like why Ramon even needs to clean anybody else's pool."
GARY SHEFFIELD TO METS: "SUCK MY BIG, BLACK DICK. PLEASE."
"DO I HAVE TO COME RIGHT OUT & SAY IT??? BLOW THIS FUCKING DICKKKKKKK!!!"
BALTIMORE (SkullGame) - GARY SHEFFIELD, chronic clubhouse cancer, has no intention of leaving the New York Yankees, and manager Joe Torre said Wednesday that the team rejected a possible trade with the New York Mets involving the outfielder. Sheffield reacted emotionally when asked to comment on a story in the New York Post, which said the Yankees have held preliminary talks on a trade involving Sheffield and Mets outfielder Mike Cameron.
"I can't sit here and blame the Yankees for other teams wanting me, so let's clear that up," Sheffield said. "I understand that. But I'm just letting you know if it happens, it becomes personal and I'm not going to accept this because of the concessions I made and so I say once again: place my big, black cock on your lips and bob your head back and forth whilst making a sucking motion with your mouth. Yes. Yes, do this. If you are a Met, a Met's fan or a member of Met's management. Yes. This you should do."
