"Dear Assholes. I suppose you all thinking its very funny to make poke funny at the President and shit on America but if you don't like it here why don't you go the fuck back to Asshole Land where your kind with no respect for nothing decent belong and die. You don't deserve too here." -- JOHN KLEINHEINZ
THANKS, JOHN. THREE THINGS: WE NO POKE FUNNY AT YOUR PIQUANTLY WORDED POLEMIC. ASSHOLETONIA IS A WONDERFUL LAND. AND, AS IS MORE IN EVIDENCE EVERY SINGLE DAY: IT'S GOT NOTHING ON MORANISTAN.
THE HARDEST WORKING HETERO HITTING HIGH SPEED ON THE HOMOTONIC SCREEN OF SISSY SMOKE BLOWN HARDEST & FASTEST? YES: UP THE ASS OF AMERICA.
TOM CRUISE & THE CURIOUSLY NAMED "JAMIE" "FOXX" SHOWING HOW GAY THEY ARE NOT: BY EMBRACING. GLANCING AROUND FURTIVELY. AND EMBRACING AGAIN. THIS TIME LONGER. HARDER. IN A FASHION MUCH MORE...MANLY.
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- TOM "WHO'S GAY? CRUISE, in day 3404 of his eternally flaming crusade to convince each and every American that he's never known the forbidden touch of another man's hand across the front of seat of his customized Land Rover to, uh, "help" with his seatbelt, was on OPRAH, the gayest show in America, trying again to prove how gay he's not. Tom excused himself for leaping all over Oprah's sofa and giggling through their recent interview by stating love had turned him into a lunatic. Leaping. Giggling. Mincing. Sucking.
The movie star spent the first half of his TV interview with Winfrey, which aired Monday, cooing about his girlfriend Katie Holmes and punching the air in a frantic display of the patented ED KOCHIAN "HOW I'M DOING...AT CONVINCING THEM I DON'T SMOKE POLE?" strategem.
He said, "I can't be cool ... I can't be laidback. See? I can't stop shaking. It's something that has happened and I feel like skipping along to celebrate it and I wanna celebrate her. She's a very special woman." Cooing. Shaking. Skipping. Sucking.
"I was raised by women and I love this woman. After only a few weeks. OK, OK" he said raising is eyebrows theatrically upward. "Whatever." When Winfrey asked him if he truly was smitten with Holmes, he laughed, "I'm standing on your couch! How GAY is that not? I mean how isn't that GAY? I mean how is that NOT gay? Fuck it. You know what I mean."
PARIS HILTON FILMS TV COMMERCIAL MINUS HER UBIQUITOUS PENISPICK. THAT IS: THAT WHICH YOU MANEUVER BETWEEN YOUR TEETH TO REMOVE ERRANT BITS OF COCONUT. OIL. SORT OF LIKE A TOOTHPICK. BUT MADE WITH SAUSAGES.
IN THEIR TV DEBUT SNOOP WONDERS ALOUD: "WHY HER BREATH SMELL LIKE MEAT BY-PRODUCTS?"
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- PARIS HILTON'S new TV commercial for a burger chain has sparked furor, with a family group calling for the meat ad to be pulled, much like the thousands of cocks Paris had to tug on to get the gig. In the recently debuted commercial for Carl's Jr.'s "Spicy BBQ Six-Dollar Burger," the hotel heiress and hooker is seen in a revealing black bikini cavorting with a sausage and a water hose while washing a Bentley, sensuously covering herself and the vehicle with hot, sticky, coconut-based suds. The ad ends with Hilton's signature line, "That's hot. Can I suck it again? On film this time?"
But her onscreen antics have proved to be too raunchy for Parents Television Council, whose research director Melissa Caldwell says, "This commercial is basically soft-core porn. It's inappropriate for television." The group plans to mobilize its million-strong non-masturbating members to protest and is considering asking th Federal Communications Commission to declare the ad indecent because it offends the sensibilities of all of God's masturbating children under the sun.
Brad Haley, marketing chief for Carl's Jr., said in a straight-faced statement issued before the commercial began airing last week, "Paris was chosen to star in the ad because she is an intriguing cultural icon, and the 'it girl' of the moment who clearly knows her way around a piece of meat. At least mine."
COUNTING CROWS' ADAM DURITZ TRIES TO REMIND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AT BAR WHO HE IS
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"OH MAN. THE PAST FEW YEARS HAVE BEEN, UM. TOUGH. VERY. TOUGH."
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Counting Crows rocker ADAM "WHO?" DURITZ is urging fans to try to remember who exactly he was before he got pegged dropping $20 Grrr for lapnaps by mouth sluts.
Durts's jailed escort agency boss accuses the frontman of being one of his best clients. Jason Itzler -- known SkullGame associate who is currently serving a prison sentence on prostitution, drug and money-laundering charges -- claims his New York Confidential escort agency was frequented by Dinty, who reportedly spent up to $20,000 per visit for the world's most thorough hoovering.
Dartstein has dated Hollywood beauties including COURTENEY COX, JENNIFER ANISTON, and MONICA POTTER, so would have no reason to pay for female company. Outside of his decidedly outre propensity for loads. And chins. And loads on said chins.
Itzler cries bullshit, telling SkullGame, "He used to hire four or five girls at a time and spend $10,000 or $20,000 a throw. I'm only revealing his name because I don't think it's going to hurt his career. Which for all intents and purposes has dried up and blown away. And not a moment too soon too. I mean FUCK the Spin Doctors."
Counting Crows.
"Whatever the fuck. He likes ho's."
ITALIAN SAL'S NIGGARDLY ATTENTION TO NON-PUSSY-ON-THE-TIP-OF-HIS-DICK DETAIL HAS RESULTED IN THE DESPERATE WIVES FEATURE BEING POSTPONED UNTIL FRIDAY. CAN'T WAIT? MAYBE YOU SHOULD BACK THE FUCK OFFA THOSE GAY PILLS THEN.
