AND we're proud to announce The Return of LIEUTENANT TODD ATKINS...the man, the legend, the teacher of needed truths, the slapper of women, the stabber of men in the neck with butterknives. Ladies & gentleman, Der Bad Lieutenant is OUT. Not GAY out. Just OUT of jail. Though jail'll make the best of us GAY. The Lieutenant is far from the best of us. And not gay. By very much. We mean if he's not in jail or nothing. In any case he's back. The One Man Army.
"I'M PRETTY BIG ON THE INTERNET. MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT?"
JUDGE ROY BEAN NAMES HIMSELF "KING OF SCOTS" MERE MOMENTS AFTER HUMPING SCOTTISH BITCH IN MOUTH. PROMISES TO PICK UP WHERE FORMER SELF-APPOINTED RULER OF SCOTLAND IDI AMIN LEFT, IN TERMS OF SECTARIAN VIOLENCE, PILFERED WAR MEDALS AND MOUTHFUCKERY
JUDGE ROY BEAN, TRYING DESPERATELY TO DE-GAY THE WHOLE PROCESS OF BEING SCOTTISH WHILST PRESERVING CULTURE AND...WELL..FAILING FUCKING MISERABLY. SLATED TO DUB HIMSELF KING OF FINNS SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
Just in case anybody was wondering who the King of Scotland is, I thought I would take some time out of what appears will only be an increasingly busy schedule to inform yous of the monarchial shift that will, as of 6:00 pm this afternoon, effect not only Scotland but the entire world itself.
Keeping in the rich tradition of Robert the Bruce and Macbeth, it is with much dignity and pride that I come to you today to announce myself, Roy the I, as the venerable ruler of the Scots. As an interregnum has existed, much to the woe of the Scottish people, since 2003, it is with great joy that I arise to lead Scotland out of a dark age; an age characterized by dinosaurs hanging out in lakes, men couplating with their sheep, and a general terrible fashion aesthetic.
Now you may find yourself asking, "His Excellency, Emperor for Life, Field Marshal Doctor Judge Roy Bean, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the Scottish Empire in Scotland in General and Scotland in Particular, how does one come to the throne being neither of Scottish (or British, for that matter) lineage?" To which I must assure you that I was appointed, in a manner sectarian and parochial, by God Most High and his messenger, the beautiful Siubhan, late yesterday evening. The people of Scotland, as it has been relayed to me, have been crying out for a return of the monarchy, to hearken back to the times of Charles II: a task that only I am able to properly tackle.
In the few hours that I have been King of Scotland, I have already enacted great legislation that will prove to be of most positive consequence to the people of which I govern in both a just and pious fashion. Prior to my ascendency to the throne, for example, Braveheart was not the national tree. Nowadays it is quite the opposite.
So it's with great delight that I herald myself in to the throne of Scotland, wherein I will now be known as "Roy the Puissant, Your Grace, Royal Majesty, King of The Scots."
Hail the new dawn.
VOMITARIAN LINDSAY LOHAN DENIES BEING HIGH, PREDICTABLY, WHILST HIGH
HMMM....CREAM CORN. MARSHMALLOWS. COCONUT SQUEEZINGS. "WHAT IS THE CONTENT OF LINDSAY LOHAN'S BILE, ALEX?"
Teen singer/actress/loadie LINDSAY LOHAN is still unhappy about her alleged "admission" to dabbling in "drugs" in a Vanity Fair magazine interview earlier this year. Mostly on account of being high when making it.
The star was quoted as saying she had suffered from bulimia and had tried drugs "a little. You know: a little here. A little there. A little to get from the kitchen sink to the bathroom toilet. A little more to give me the get up and go needed to wrestle Mexican bus boys. A little because it was Wednesday. Or three o'clock," but had "gotten that out" of "her system. Little by little. A little because of her tits. A little because of BARRY BONDS. A little because Parcheesi is a great board game," in an interview with Evgenia Peretz.
Despite Lohan's subsequent high denial that she made these admissions while high to Peretz, the magazine released a statement saying they had the whole interview on tape and stand by their story.
Tuesday, "Today" morning show host Matt Lauer asked Lohan, "No problems in your life right now, in terms of substance abuse or anything? You're fine?"
She replied, "Substance abuse -- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA....um....ahem....I don't believe that was ever brought up.
"Yeah, everything's fine.
Motherfucker."
TOMMY LEE FUCKED OLIVIA. AFTER WE DID. AND NOW HE'S FUCKING STEFANI MORGAN. AFTER WE DID. A DISTURBING GAY-FRIENDLY PATTERN EMERGES.
"IF I HAD TO COMPARE SAUSAGES? I'LL GO FOR VINNIE'S EVERY TIME. IF I HAD TO GO FOR WALLETS? WELL, LET ME JUST SAY THIS: VINNIE, WHO?" STEFANI MORGAN TELLING IT SADLY HOW IT IS.
Rocker TOMMY LEE, in a continuing effort to mask his gayitude, is dating a top porn actress, who has just gone public with their romance. The Motley Crue drummer, who was once married to Heather Locklear and PAMELA ANDERSON LEE, has fallen for Vivid Video sex kitten STEFANI MORGAN -- and she's not afraid of letting everyone know about the fling.
Of course, she's not.
The pretty blonde has gone on the record in FHM magazine, insisting she has "no complaints" about Lee. Morgan, who claims to have dated former 'N Sync star JC Chasez and Paris Hilton's sex video partner Rick Solomon, insists everyone is fascinated by her new beau, who famously showed off his impressive manhood in a sex video on a boat with ex-wife Anderson.
The porn star says, "More guys than girls ask me about Tommy in the bedroom. Everyone asks me, 'So how's the sex with Tommy?' I have no complaints: he pays EVERY time.
"I've had a lot of great sex with other people before, and with Tommy it's awesome. He's also the most down-to-earth person I've ever met. I'm crazy about him. And his cash."
