Brought to you by PISSING COP ENTERPRISES. Because If It Ain't A Pissing Cop? It Ain't Worth A Shit!
WHEN YOU HAVE A PISSING COP...
YOU GOT THE WORLD BY THE BALLS. AND AN ELEVATOR THAT SMELLS LIKE...VICTORY.
EMMITT SMITH CRIES LIKE A BABY AT SUPERBOWL PRESS CONFERENCE WHEREIN HE MOURNS ALL THE GOOD PUSSY HE'S RETIRING FROM FUCKING
"AND...AND...I'LL...I'M CHOKED UP HERE...BUT I'M GONNA MISS THE MANY HO'S IN THE MANY AREA CODES THAT I HAD GROWN INCREASINGLY ACCUSTOMED TO BANGING WITH RELATIVE IMPUNITY ON ANY GIVEN SUNDAY. THIS IS TRULY A GREAT AND DEVASTATING AMERICAN TRAGEDY."
JACKSONVILLE (SkullGame) -- Emmitt Smith, the NFL's all-time rushing leader, announced his retirement in Jacksonville on Thursday. Smith spent 13 seasons with the Dallas Cowboys, who he helped to Super Bowl wins in 1992, 1993 and 1995, two years with the Arizona Cardinals, and 3567 nights with strange road skank, as is the wont of every NFL great who is not TERRELL OWENS, STEVE YOUNG, JEFF GARCIA or DAVID KOPAY.
The 35-year-old, an eight-time Pro-Bowler, amassed 18,355 yards on 4,409 carries with 164 touchdowns, as well as 2794 consecutive nights of easily racked coitus.
An emotional Smith went on to thank an impressive list that included former team-mates, trainers, companies, friends, family and random sports sluts.
"I also want to thank the players I competed against," he added. "Without competition, I don't think I would have strived to become the Wilt Chamberlain-esque man I've been off court."
When reminded that football is played on a field and not a court, Smith clarified, "whatever."
THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP: ITALIAN SAL INTERVIEWS A RING GIRL
ESPECIALLY IF BY INTERVIEW YOU MEAN ASKING A FEW QUESTIONS...ABOUT HER ASS.
ITALIAN SAL: Here we are in the beautiful Mandalay Bay Arena with RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER. How you doing?
RACHEL-AMBER-WHATEVER: Oh, I'm tired. I've been up for two days. Doing shows and traveling and...
IS: I love you...
R-A-W: Hahahah...what?!?!
IS: ...with a love that can only be expressed through song...
R-A-W: Oh...my...God...
IS: I know, baby, I know....love is like that. You know...
R-A-W: ...there's BAS RUTTEN!!! Look, I'll be back.
IS:...a lesbian ladies and gentlemen. A lesbian.
A SCIENTIFIC SKULLGAME SPORTS STUDY: PUSSY'S GOOD. UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANS TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN FUCK IT.
A RECENT INSTITUTE STUDY HAS FOUND THAT A WHOPPING 69 PERCENT OF PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES AGREE, "GAMES ARE FUN, BUT PUSSY IS FLEETING. WE'LL TAKE THE PUSSY!!!"
Due to a recently received sports medicine grant, offered to the fraudulently created SG International Global Inc., we here at SKULLGAME have undertaken to protect ourselves from possible future prosecution by actually printing the results of our findings in the hope that it might help aspiring athletes avoid the pitfalls that have claimed some of the sports world's greatest. And to keep us from getting popped on a Bunco rap. So with no further ado.
SG International Global Inc.'s Sports Study On Sex And The Loser Athlete
FIRST CASE: TIGER WOODS
HAVE YOU SEEN ME? AT THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD? AT ALL? ANYTIME THIS YEAR? I DIDN'T THINK SO. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'VE GOT TO SEE A SWEDE ABOUT A SAUSAGE
An interesting case indeed. TIGER WOODS was on course to be one, if not THE most dominating player the game of golf (not technically a sport because you see a sport is an endeavor where it is not possible to be beaten by a 13-year old girl, unless you are a 13-year old girl, but why quibble?) has ever seen. Until he met the woman who is now his fiancee, ELIN NORDEGREN. Not only is she Swedish, which means from Sweden, a country known for amongst other things rolling ass up for the Nazis and meatballs. She is also a nude figure model.
ELIN NORDEGREN PLANNING ON HOW BEST TO DESTROY TIGER WOODS BEFORE DECIDING ON: PUSSY
Case closed.
SECOND CASE: PETE SAMPRAS
WINNER!!!
We don't really know too much about tennis. Is it a sport? Is it an exercise? We strongly suspect some sort of GAY component but of this we are not sure. In any case PETE SAMPRAS was like THE BEST at it. Especially if by IT you mean skipping around a clay court grunting and whatnot. No matter. He was the best. And then he met "actress" BRIDGETTE WILSON.
NOT ANYMORE. SAMPRAS UNDER THE WATCHFUL AND BALEFUL GLARE OF THE SHE-BEAST WHO CONTROLS HIS EVERY WAKING MOMENT
And then his face became the face of those that envy the dead.
CASE C: ANDY RODDICK
RODDICK STARING INTO THE YAWNING AND GRAYING VOID OF HIS FUTURE
Another tennis player. Another "actress", this one named MANDY MOORE. Maybe it's the effeteness of the sport that breeds a lesser man. Maybe it's the tight white shorts and socks. Maybe since the juiced up, coked out Irishman JOHNNY MAC left the game it's been largely felt to be a safe haven for men who want to lose. We do not know this as it sits beyond the cost parameters of this study. However we do know this: Andy might as well start telling people his last name is GIBB because he is dead.
SUMMARY: Tennis is gay and golf isn't much better.
