But first RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JR. responds in riposte to last week's contention that he was fried out of his head on goofballs when he totally wrecked his fucking new truck last week.

"HERE!!! HIDE THE ACID....OH. OOOPS. NEVERMIND."

"While I know the whole SkullGame Dictum of 'anything for a joke' still rules, it was perhaps ill-timed, your mention of me being high on acid. Especially when it was, in fact, NOT acid. That wonderful hitchhiker girl was nice enough to gimme some of her anti-anxiety medication. Something with, um, a D and an S and L in it. Not DSL. That's computer shit and doesn't to my knowledge lessen anxiety. LDS is the Mormon church and while I know for a fact that Mormon girls fuck like jackhammers, I don't think this is what she gave me. Maybe it was Visine. But you wouldn't be spelling that with an L. Or an S. Or a D. Well yes you would. I mean with the S. But whatever it was it lessened my anxiety. And made me dizzy. Which in turn made me crash my truck. So fuck YOU and your assertion that it was illegal narcotics thet did this to me.

Assholes."

BTK KILLER CAPTURED; BOY BANDS ALL OVER AMERICA PULLED IN FOR QUESTIONING; JACK NICHOLSON STILL AT LARGE

"HEEEERRRREEE'S JOHNNY!!!" JACK NICHOLSON, LAST SEEN WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO, UM, BE THE BTK KILLER. OR AT THE VERY LEAST A SCENE CHEWING HACK.

KANSAS (SkullGame) -- DENNIS RADER, the man police believe is the BTK serial killer, hid for more than 30 years in plain sight over at MTV. While he lived in this suburb of Wichita, the city he is suspected of terrorizing, with a wife and two children, he also led a Cub Scout troop, was active in his Lutheran church, an ordinance enforcement officer for the local government, and the person single-handedly most responsible for B2K, N'SYNC, as well as the shadowy force behind YTK.

"We were confused as to the source of the constant stinking swill that's infested America like a pustulent boil," said Richard LaMunyon, Wichita's police chief. "And it seems he, along with his Jack Nicholsonesque doppelganger, led us right to the source: his corpse filled basement."

On Saturday, police identified Rader as a suspect in the BTK killings and recordings and announced an end to their 31-year manhunt for overly saccharined pop music as a means to torture his many victims to untimely deaths. Although no charges have been filed, a jubilant collection of law enforcers and community leaders told a cheering crowd they were confident the long-running case could now be closed.

GYWNETH PALTROW'S CHARMED LIFE TAKES A SUDDEN TURN FOR KEISTERVILLE

IN HAPPIER TIMES: WHETHER GETTING OR GIVING, ASS FUCKING WAS THE ORDER OF THE DAY AT THE PALTROW-MARTIN'S.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- GYWNETH PALTROW's marriage to British rocker CHRIS MARTIN is predictably on the rocks after only 14 months -- the pressure of combining their successful careers, marriage and parenthood on top of realizing that they're both insufferable and about as talented as almost anyone's left nut, is reportedly tearing them apart.

The couple have had a few fucking knock-down, drag-out fights and are spending more and more time apart -- the Coldplay singer has been working on his band's ticket to obscurity, their highly delayed third album, while the Oscar-winning actress has been left at home in London looking after their 8-month-old daughter Apple and counting her cash.

A friend tells British newspaper the Daily Mirror, "Adjusting to married life, then being parents and now trying to sort out their professional lives has been a lot more difficult and complicated than either of them imagined. Besides which they're both complete twats."

JENNIFER LOPEZ SAYS SOME SHIT THAT NO ONE'S LISTENED TO. AGAIN.

IT'S ALL FUN & GAMES UNTIL THE RICE & BEANS START WINNING

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Power Bitch JENNIFER LOPEZ has finally confessed she married Marc Anthony -- eight months after the couple walked down the aisle.

In an interview with People magazine, Lopez acknowledges her union when she said... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...