skull_weblog

SKULLGAME TRACKS NEWEST CELEBRITY SEX CRAZE. "IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WITH A HOME SEX VIDEO MADE BY AN ANGRY EX WILL BE FAMOUS FOR EXACTLY 15 FUCKING MINUTES."--ANDY WARHOL; PLUS: PORN BIZ HIV GOSSIP

The scenario is all at once vaguely familiar and specifically strange in its reassertion that women know as much about men as they do about post-production fuck film profit margins.

He: "Come on, babe. I just want to see what we look like on film."
She: "And you'll destroy it later?"
He: "Of course, babe. I'm making it precisely SO I can destroy it later."

IT'S OKAY, HONEY BUNNY. I BELIEVE YOU.

CALCULATING WHORE GENA LEE NOLIN AVERAGES THE VIG AND SUBSEQUENTLY PRODUCES HER FIRST STOLEN FUCK FLICK UNDER THE ABLE ADVISEMENT OF HER AGENT, CORNHOLIO MALMSTEIN

I JUST WANT MY PRIVACY...AND 30 PERCENT OF THE GROSS BACK

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Former BAYWATCH injection molded "star" and significantly diminishing media place holder GENA LEE NOLIN has rendered the appearance of stepping up her lawsuit to keep her sex video from hitting the Internet as Web sites threaten to show all. Especially if by all you mean those hockey pucks she calls tits.

The raunchy video, which features Nolin with her business savvy ex-husband Greg Fahlman playing with sex toys and sucking and fucking like sucking and fucking was being made an Olympic sport, is set to hit porn sites in the next few weeks, greatly improving her PR value, her bid for her new reality show pitch and her lasting impression as a stain that will never be removed from the soul of the world.

And Nolin is out to "stop" the "film" from "ever" seeing the light of day.

I'M HAVING SEX ON FILM. QUICK. DON'T LOOK!!! UNTIL YOUR CREDIT CARD CLEARS.

The actress' legal spokesperson and PR manager says, "She's extremely aggravated and upset...at not having thought of this before. We're sending out demand letters immediately to Web sites that either have Gena Lee Nolin's name or are advertising the sex video to make sure her name appears ABOVE Paris Hilton's. And that she gets 28 percent in pre-tax earnings.

"Oh yeah, I should also add that the tape, based on my understanding, got out 'accidentally' and there was a 'breach' of 'trust' and all."

KIM BASINGER SET TO APPEAR IN AN EXPLOITED MOMS! FEATURETTE

I'M READY FOR MY PASTE SHOT MR. DEMILLE

CHATSWORTH (SkullGame) -- Movie beauty and SKULLGAME fav KIM BASINGER is set to shock audiences in her next film by appearing completely naked -- at the age of 50 -- with a clutch of cocks lodged in her cracks, in the hopes of breaking the prodigious PARIS HILTON buy rates.

The Oscar-winning actress defies her advancing years and the conventional wisdom by having her first hardcore sex on the Web in the upcoming EXPLOITED MOMS feature film "The Door in the Floor," where she has a sex scene with teenager Jon Foster.

A source says, "She's still got the cash and body of a young woman in her prime interest rate."

NEWSFUCKINGFLASH: SKULLGAME BANNED FROM WEDNESDAY NIGHT PORN CONFAB

THE MEETING TAKES A TURN FOR THE PREDICTABLE

SAN FERNANDO (SkullGame) -- So's the porn producers disinvited MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME from their recent War Room meeting where a discussion on the expanding HIV crisis was to take place. The meeting, fresh from the shock of a third HIV case emerging (as of press time it was JESSICA DEE), was attended by the ACLU and other legal advocacy groups who are investigating breaches in protocol regarding the affected stars' medical records.

That be it as it may we were not let in, what on account of us not being able to keep our "goddamned mouths shut."

PATIENT #3: JESSICA DEE

How very fortunate then that we smashed someone's car window in the event parking lot and got our hands on one proposed increased set of safety standards.

(1) Mandatory testing every 2 weeks.
(2) Under no circumstance shoot penetration scenes without valid, current tests from the actors.
(3) The banning of injection kits used by male talent to create artificial erections that also results in bleeding.
(4) Any actor/actress involved in recreational drug use involving needles.
(5) Any actor/actress who knowingly falsify test records should be quarantined for a period of time.
(6) Any actor/actress who knowingly works with an STD without clearance should be quarantined for a period of time.
(7) No gay or transsexual crossovers from the male talent pool.

To which we say: "LOTS OF FUCKING LUCK!"

SKULLGAME SAINT: THE NAUGHTY VICAR LIVES ON

A mother intent on becoming a vicar and helping drug addicts entered a world that eventually saw her hooked on heroin and relying on prostitution to feed her habit, a court heard yesterday. After winning a place at King's College, London, to study for a degree in Biblical studies, Christine Shephard decided to try heroin so that she could relate to the addicts she wanted to counsel. But the 40-year-old mother-of-six ended up hooked on the drug herself, Maidstone Crown Court was told.

MANDINGO VIII

WCP Platinum

Rating: FOUR "Wow, That Guy's Got Plenty Of Cock" BUSTED NUTS

Ahhhhhh, some of us should be so lucky as to have as much meat to spare as MR. MANDINGO [some of us are--VINNIE ROSE]. I mean, this man has got PLENTY. Best thing about it is Mandingo looks like he not only has a Master’s Degree (in what exactly is anyone’s guess but probably political science), but he looks like before he was a porn actor/writer/director/producer, he was that cool history teacher you had in high school who could always be relied on to make some sort of sly and agreeable comment about fresh ass when you ran into him after class.

But Mandingo's got the rod and the ram and routinely runs his massive pole into five pretty F-I-N-E specimens of womanhood. Unfortunately (but for safety reasons I imagine) he doesn’t do any of them anally, but then again if he did it'd switch the category of this film from "porno" to "horror." All the same, the women, and especially Mandingo, all look like they are having a very good goddamned time.

Do note that he rarely gets all of his inches into LUCI THAI, NAUTICA, LENA or even CIERA SAGE, who looks positively frightened by the size of Mandingo’s mambo. HONEY does manage to take most of it from behind, however.

THE SEA-FARING NAUTICA WEATHERS A SKULLGAME INTERVIEW

Technical notes: All of the scenes are well shot, no shaky camera work here. No one on the crew is obviously scared off by Mandingo to not get too close
to him. Maybe they all get used to it after awhile (I sure as hell couldn’t). Good color balance, lighting, and so on. Mandingo obviously knows how to make himself, and his women, look good on video. Amen to that. –MR. NICKY BALLS

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/134199.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

STRAIGHT A STUDENT

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "I Don't Want To See Any Buildings Not Burning" BUSTED NUTS

If I could borrow a line from David Luger’s back of box verbiage "Plaid skirts, white shirts and lots of anal sex for all. Welcome to Straight A Student."

Yes, welcome is right. This movie welcomes you right off the bat, treating you with a first scene by none other than the cover girl, BOBBI EDEN.

Bobbi who, nevermind that she probably barely made it through school, let alone got straight A's, sucks and fucks her way into a brand new career as a dumb bitch, a role which, unlike school, she will more than likely excel at.

BOBBI IS, IN ACTUAL FACT, A CERTIFIED FUCKING GENIUS

But two scenes in, and it's readily apparent that Red Light District is intent on bringing the big guns into play early, a kind of porn "Shock and Awe" strategy. NIKKI NITE, who is not very attractive in any conventional sort of way turns out to be a bit of liar as well when she claims that not only was she a good student but that her first sexual experience was when she was 18.

I mean let's do the math: She is 20, starting fucking at 18, that means two full years of experience with the equipment. Not fucking likely. But this ugly bitch sucks and fucks like sucking and fucking is all she got. Wait...come to think of it...it is. Never mind.

I can literally go on and on about this movie but in the interest of time and the fact that I am going to watch it again right now I will end here with a list of who you will see in it: Roxy, JAMIE BROOKS, Britney Madison and none other then ALLISON WYTE, the freckled crack smoking cunt from BRING'UM YOUNG #14. JERK AWAY!!!!--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/205453.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE BLACK AND THE BLONDE #3

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Making Fun Of The Kid With Braces" BUSTED NUTS

THE BLACK AND THE BLONDE is an action-adventure in horny, white, blonde babes loving the fuck out of thick black cock. The longitudinal SEAN MICHAELS delivers, and in the first scene what he seems to be delivering is a double orgasm, all over HOLLY HOLLYWOOD's face. She digs it though, and he laughs saying, "same eye as last time."

Scene two, baby, well this chick CIERA SAGE is hollering "fuck that pussy, fuck that pussy, you black motherfucker," like being a black motherfucker was against the law. But if you like slurping--and as a woman myself, with the men I've met, it's about 50/50--this chick makes sucking cock sound like drinking soup. Which I don't recommend actually doing when watching this. (Trust me, I tried.) ??This flick exhibits an artistic flare with chicks modeling, stripping, and liking it!!! And just getting crazy pleasure out of their black lovers, who don't just slam pussy, but really put a new meaning on what it means to love to fuck. And they ride smooth in these scenes.

CIERA SAGE: A BIG FAN OF "BLACK MOTHERFUCKERS." AND GETTING FUCKED BY THEM.

And anal sex? Plenty of it. Enough to make you want some. (Yes, the ladies too.) Wanna see a hot babe from Prague (MARIA) perched on top of Michaels' legs, while pumping away at his cock with her ass? And as he slides his HOSE out of his trousers he turns to the cameraman and says, "she was just walking down the street?"

YES SIR!!! (Or ma'am.)

Oh, and you must love the Agent Knight, (ALICIA KNIGHT) Sean Bond scene, in which she introduces him to a true Prague greeting, and delivers him a "very serious" debriefing. Oh, these action scene takeoffs-gone-porn, you've got to love, or moan for, or fuck yourself silly for. I liked this film, I did. It was sort of like lingerie models, and Sports Illustrated babes in their after hours, hour. Lots of bouncing tits, explorative camera angles, and not too much of Micheal's face. Loads of variety, loads of cum, or ways to make ya.--EPONINE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/139533.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

FEELING BLACK #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Making Fun Of The Kid With Braces" BUSTED NUTS

I've never fucked a black chick.

I've done chicks from China, the Philippines, Tonga, India, Thailand, Japan, Indonesia, Burma, 'Nam -- and that's just this year. But never a black chick. They're not a big demographic in the part of the world I dwell -- yeah, that's the reason, demographics. I will not die not having fucked a black chick. Until then I have to make do with black chick porn. And now I should stop talking to my cock and review this fucker.

This'uns superior shit. Action starts with JADA FIRE. She's got big fake tits
and big fucking nipples that'd show up on radar screens. And braces on her
teeth. That's a busted nut right away, right. Braces per se don't make chicks sexy. But stick 'em on a porno chick and it's a touch of innocence to
offset the whorishness. It works.

Fast forward to scene three with COCO PINK. She's got big fake tits and... BRACES ON HER TEETH. Is this a new porn sub-genre I missed the memo on?
Again, it works.

There's a couple girls there who don't do it for me but they do the nasty stuff,
the dvd extras are good, and this adds up to nine out of 10. Which equates
to five, not 4.5 busted nuts. I don't award half nuts. I don't understand how
you get a half nut. You change your mind halfway through a nut?

Can't be done!--THE REVIEWER FORMERLY KNOWN AS MR. XTRA BUT WHO INSISTED WE CHANGE HIS NAME, FOR REASONS KNOWN ONLY TO HIM, TO THE DUDE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/201521.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S SLAP A MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU MEAN IT ISSUE WHERE WE'RE INDISCRIMINATELY CRUEL TO EVERYONE. ESPECIALLY COURTNEY LOVE. AND BEYONCE. AND PARIS HILTON. AND OTHER CELEBRITY SKANKS WITH PORN STAR NAMES AND DICK HOLES IN THEIR UNDERWEAR

The April 26th, 2004 issue of SKULLGAME aired some deep, deep, deep inside the fence porn gossip, innuendo and hearsay. And while the few poorly spelled, touchingly illiterate emails have trickled in to complain about our overridingly unsympathetic treatment of all involved, many more have asked that we continue. To which we say, "continue what?"

BUY YELLOWMAN: OFFICIAL SUPPLIER OF SKULLGAME PHARMACEUTICALS

NEWSFUCKINGFLASH: HEROIN IS HEALTHY! SHOOT UP FOR LIFE, AMERICA!

"HAVE WE HIT BOTTOM YET, CAP'N?" WHAT A SUBMARINE LOOKS LIKE

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Murderess, Multimillionaire and Media Whore COURTNEY LOVE has, as part of God's long term plan of holy vengeance and punishment for the wicked, been sent into mass media centers all over America to make manifest her, and by extension HIS, hatred for our instinctive interests in car wrecks. And eyes.

Toward this end Love recently decided to meet R&B hunk Usher wearing only a lacy blue thong when he arrived backstage at that hen house of a show for aging housewives "The View."

Usher, after averting his eyes because they "burn. Oh God, they burn," went on to ask the question that while WE are hoping to never have to ask, will inevitably have to be asked anytime anyone meets Ms. Love until she is loved by the world again, "Where are your clothes, baby?"

SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.

DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": Turns out DARREN JAMES is Patient Zero in this whole HIV porn scare and not LARA [ROXX]. Like you have any fucking idea what you're talking about. Prick.

LARA ROXX WONDERS IF COCK FUCK JAY LENO THINKS IT'S FUNNY WHEN A COP GETS SHOT TOO

ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER: You know what you should do? You should choke on my long fat cock. Thanks for writing. Nooooo...just kidding. Listen, LARA ROXX, according to those who have seen her, worked with her and were willing to gossip with us about her was "a walking venereal disease." Much like your mother. Thanks for writing. Nooooo...just kidding. Seriously though, LESIONS and SCABS while possibly cool names for your kids are not the names that are going to gloss anything you should put your cock in. Though it hasn't seemed to stop you, you cocksucker you. Thanks for writing you fucking nut jumper. Just kidding. Prick.

RACE MIXER BEYONCE KNOWLES GETS READY TO MARRY A NEGRO

THE SEXIEST WHITE WOMAN IN AMERICA?

White woman BEYONCE KNOWLES has recently announced her intention to marry rap Negro Millionaire JAY-Z. The Grammy-winning star, 22, will join other white women--MARIAH CAREY, VANESSA WILLIAMS, and JANET JACKSON--in jumping the race barrier and marrying into the love that dare not speak its name. We can only hope this fine example of white womanhood has thought this through carefully: but what about the kids?!?!

And in a final note, she is also getting her own waxwork sculpture at London's Madame Tussauds -- complete with a mechanized wiggling derriere.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY THE SAME: PARIS HILTON

A STILL FROM THE MOVIE...MINUS THE COCK IN THE MOUTH PART

CHATSWORTH (SkullGame) -- RED LIGHT DISTRICT has recently announced its acquisition of skank rights to the Rick Solomon-directed opus A NIGHT IN PARIS wherein the hotel heiress takes a load of coconut squeezings on the chin.

BRAVO, COCONUT SQUEEZINGS!!!

NOTE TO SELF: THIS SHIT WORKS!!!

The 20-year-old San Mateo man who told women on two separate occasions that his penis was caught in his zipper and he needed help pleaded no contest yesterday to indecent exposure. Michael Silva admitted the two felony charges in return for no more than six months in the County Jail and the dismissal of other charges. He did agree, though, that the other charges can be considered by the judge during sentencing. If convicted by a jury, Silva faced up to one year in jail.

NASTY NYMPHOS #15

Anabolic

Rating: TWO "Can't We All Get To The Fucking Fucking" BUSTED NUTS

Here ANABOLIC has brought back an old classic from the golden age of porn
(around 1996) with this digitally remastered masterpiece of cum slurping,
ass-fucking action. Not to be just your average transfer straight from video this flick includes a special never before seen photo gallery, a rare treat for you collectors out there.

But this is the one goddamned thing there that killed this for me: all of that "Who, Where, Why" bullshit at the beginning of each scene. I think I spent more
time fast forwarding than watching gash pounding.

Which is a problem.

Once you get past the 20 questions there is some decent stuff, though. Not great
mind you, but decent. Which makes me question if these broads are, indeed, really fucking nymphos. I’m calling bullshit, and suggesting that next time they find some real nymphos out of asylums whose nymphodom is so nymphomatic that they must be institutionalized lest they run the risk of fucking everything alive.

So despite a great performance from DEMI WILLIS, who at the time of filming had only been in the industry for one month yet possesses a natural screen presence and ability to fuck (AHEM, natural born slut) and VANESSA looking like some kind of third world fuck-whore, I had to lowball this flick for being slightly below average.

Which is a problem.--HABIB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/126518.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BEST OF GANGLAND WHITE BOY STOMP

Devil's Films

Rating: THREE "All I See Is Wall To Wall Balls" BUSTED NUTS

This DVD has budget written all over it.

In fact that's the only thing written all over it: There's no cast ID whatsoever. Dunno about you, but the girl with three cocks plundering her fuckholes and soon to get a faceful of curdled porridge??? Well, I like to know her name. I'm romantic like that.

In any case it is noted that the aforementioned budget duly doesn't extend to the lighting...or the editing, and leads to the inevitable question: if this is the BEST OF, what the fuck did the rest of them look like?

Er, probably ok. Why? Because at base root, the fucking is nasty (double anal) and the sluts spirited ("wreck my ass!!!"). But I got this at the same time as FEELING BLACK #2, which does the same thing. But, of course, does it more right than not, and so this suffers by comparison.

But white boys doing black girls? Well not being a homo, I couldn't care less about the color of the cocks. I didn't turn up to cheer them on. Though one dude does stand out. He's got a male anorexic thing going on. He'd be a contender at Mr. Puniverse. Doubtless his wilting physique makes his cock look bigger. As a lifestyle choice, though, it's a poor one.

But EVERY scene has multiple guys on the girls and too much DP. I've never liked
DP. Shot in close up from behind. What are you looking at? You're looking at
two perfectly framed nutsacks bobbing up and down like toffee apples in a
goddamn bowl.

Would you jerk off over that?

No. No, you would not.--MR. XTRA

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/125234.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ULTIMATE ASSES

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: 3.5 "Bartthhhhelonian" BUSTED NUTS

Q: Can a single woman carry an entire porn?

A: You bet your ass she can.

Feeling even luckier?

Go right ahead and bet the whole kit and goddamned caboodle on the total money move: the divine ass of cover girl Carmen.

We haven’t seen CARMEN in any other movies. It’s probably because no one can figure out how to communicate with her. We glean that she’s from Barcelona--you know, that part of Spain whose people really hit their S’s with the hardest lisp that doesn’t sound gay?

Well, this movie’s all about Carmen.

She’s hot and she’s a dark-skinned white broad with cute, fucked-up teeth that you generally only see on cutesy Japanese chicks. ‘Ceptin' J-dolls don’t have back like Carmen.

Lord have mercy.

The other women in the movie are all fine, yeah yeah, and good, but Jesus, Carmen.... Anyways, fans of ass won’t be bemoaning the money spent on this DVD. But due to the totally stupifying presence of Carmen, buying this flick is like ordering the Pay Per View of the world championship heavyweight fight, and being pleasantly surprised that the undercard doesn't suck.

In other words: it's a fucking bonus. Dig it.--STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/115975.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

YOUNG TIGHT LATINAS #5

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" BUSTED NUTS

Fresh across the border after riding in car trunks and trailer trucks these bitches will have you saying "Oye mi canto!" well before you can fucking canto an oye.

From start to brilliant bean-eating finish you will truly be inspired to dig out that high school Spanish book so that you can "Esto es mi chorizo, el mi chorizo tan bien faster than you can chaka chalupa.

Leaf blower too loud? Not a problem.

Taco’s soggy? Not a big deal.

What is important is that ROBBIE FISHER puts together a sexy shit pile of Spanish speaking sluts starting with the likes of CYTHEREA. This waif San Diego native blows the minds, while sucking the cocks, of two guys lucky enough to plug her holes in one of her first scenes ever. And although her Spanish leaves a lot to be desired, her squirting enchilada, leaves nothing to the imagination.

CYTHEREA MUSCLING UP, YOU KNOW....FOR LATER

Also featuring BROOKE MILANO, this particular scene has me rethinking my whole "Spanish girls don’t fuck well because they think about the Pope while doing so" theory. Her absolute willingness to service two dudes with a gusto that can only be described as... well...as dick gobblingly suckifying is, to say the least, nogginacious. While I still hold out that certain Latin cultures, South American ones in particular, place certain social constraints on the inverse realities of fuckle action directly leading to Lucifer, Red Light here seems to have successfully short-circuited said hoochie to hell circuit.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202901.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME LOST IN FUCKING L.A.: WHEREIN WE DISCOVER THE REAL DEAL BEHIND THE HIV HAPPENINGS, PORN GOSSIP, BITCHES TRYING TO PUNK US AND SHIT AND JESSICA SIMPSONS' SACKS OF REDEMPTIVE LOVE

One procedural note: While SKULLGAME usually refreshes three times a week--Monday, Wednesday and Friday--this last Friday we did not do so on account of us going behind the bars, inside the sanctums, and underneath all the bullshit concensus reality concerning the cocks and cunts that we find so endlessly entertaining in this biz we call show.

Oh. And we were drunk too.

WHERE WE'D LIKE YOU TO THINK WE WERE WHEN WE SAY "BEHIND BARS."

WHERE WE REALLY WERE

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME GOES DEEP, DEEP, DEEP UNDERCOVER TO DISCOVER THAT SAN FERNANDO VALLEY IS HAPPILY AND THOROUGHLY FULL OF SHIT...

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- In the midst of a potentially public imbroglio over porn, epidemic disease and chest-beatingly conservative cries of a desire for a return to simpler, more miserable non-porn times, the San Fernando Valley porn producers, helmspeople of an $8 million dollar industry, met in a series of secret meetings to discusss the future of the fuck flick. We snuck our fucking sneaky fucking asses into them all and this is what we've found...believe it or not.

1) Despite the much ballyhooed shut down, companies are still producing porn. The quarantined are still fucking quarantined but, other than that, it's business as usual. Winning the award for BIGGEST BALLS ON THE BLOCK? ANARCHY....who are currently filming another in the CREAMPIE series that features? Yes, you got it: all internal ASS cumshots. Genius!!!

2) LEXINGTON STEELE wants to kill HARRY WEISS for taking credit for all of the PR that Lex has himself done after breaking Harry off. Harry still gets the award in our book for the MAN WHO EATS MOST LIKE HOWLIN' WOLF, however.

MR. STEELE BRANDISHING THE IRON

3) DARREN JAMES didn't get HIV from working in Brazil, an assertion that's singlehandedly probably decimated the Brazilian fuck and suck trade. He got it from....

4) ...LARA ROXX, whose off-camera exploits are, allegedly, responsible for the currently execrable state of affairs.

5) DARREN JAMES didn't get HIV from LARA ROXX. He got it from working with TT BOY on his STREET WHORE series. Apparently TT is the one guy in the Valley who knows the fuck how to economize: by using real street skank. KUDOS TO YOU, TT.

TT BOY NOT GIVING A FUCK LIKE NOT GIVING A FUCK WAS GOING OUT OF STYLE

6) VINNIE ROSE is trying to find DICK DELAWARE to establish once and for all who the toughest man in porn is.

7) TAYLOR RAIN left the estimable SCOTT FAYNER from Luke Ford, in a move that was not completely unexpected, because he hit the drugs too heavily which, if you consider it for a minute, is like SLASH telling CHARLIE SHEEN to cool out. If any of these following people are telling you that you have a drug problem--KEITH RICHARDS, SLASH, CHASEY LAIN, TAYLOR RAIN, VINNIE ROSE--you just might want to take them fucking seriously.

TAYLOR "YELLOW" RAIN SOPPING UP THE SIGHTS

8) Our ace boon coon, MR. FUCKING MARCUS, actually knocked a bitch up on the set. Perhaps now is a good time to be rethinking being glossed with that World's Luckiest Black Man smack.

9) SKEETER KERKOVE wasn't created by HARRY WEISS. SKEETER KERKOVE pimped his wife BRIDGETTE's ass out for a weekend in New York and used that $20,000 he got from doing so to buy his way in. BRAVO!!!

SKEETER & BRIDGETTE: LOVE....AGELESS AND EVERGREEN.....

10) MR. MARCUS, in the most amazing development yet, has a book in development at RANDOM HOUSE. Perhaps now is a good time to begin re-glossing himself with the World's Luckiest Black Man smack again.

11) TERA PATRICK, in addition to being married to the sub-talented former NYHC'er, OZ-momo, and now current pornstar EVAN "The World's Toughest Jew" SEINFELD, is a pathological liar. Which means she wins the SKULLGAME Baron Von Munchausen Award. YOU GO YOU ASTRONAUT, U.N. MEMBER, CARDIOLOGIST GIRL!!!!

AND HERE I AM AS AN INSTELLAR FLIGHT CONTROLLER...

AND all of this underscores the fact that it's business as usual because if anybody knows porn people know that: talk of HIV epidemics is TOTAL unadulterated horse shit. Unless you happen to live in Sub-Saharan Africa. So be careful, but be wary of the PASP (People Against Stellar Porn) anti-porn agenda.

Oh yeah, and if anyone attempts to sue us for any and all of the above, we'll release the UNPRINTED half of the story to clear our fucking names. In other words: consider yourselves lucky you got off so goddamned lightly.

PLAYER HATERS ATTACK THE MACK

I'M A PLAYER HATER...AND I LOVE TESTICLES!

Below is a recently received email by some trembling offended half-man who is hoping against hope to swoop on some SKULLGAME sausage. Sorry my ass-eating friend, while we're comfortable enough with our masculinity and large cocks to just laugh at your earnest attempts to have some of our nuts laid on your chin, we're not stupid enough to be politically corrected into doing so. So good luck with sucking man meat, we'll go back to exploiting the power of collective bargaining by flowing ho's in group scenarios.

Oh! Look! He even included his email

hotlatyn@sbcglobal.net

Well, Hot Latin, welcome to MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME

"Okay first of all...you're dorks...and so fuckin' lame...Dude....get a clue: When straight guys brag about their cock, it's barely large. When gay guys brag it's usually fuckin' huge. I doubt any of you has a huge cock.

Now, it's none of my business really but don't you think you all are actually gay? And maybe it's hard for you guys to deal with those feelings for each other? After all, you're in San Francisco and it's almost a cry for help when you guys put out stuff like this. It smells real bad of homophobia.

ITALIAN SAL AND VINNIE: GOING THROUGH A PHASE

#1 rule: straight guys can rarely pull off the whole "I have a big dick attitude" so that theme is really repulsive coming from you. Also--wake up guys....what century are you in that you think women want a big cock so badly?! What frat-boy flicks did you rent together and jack each other off to when you decided that?!

#1 you are (by default) cheesy "straight guys" with mainstream, oppressive jobs. So it's inevitable that when you try to be cool, you will look like an idiot. Your stuff sings of homo boys wishing they were straight and fucking girls to try to prove some point.

T-BONE SANTA AND SOME SLUT SALUTING HOT LATIN

The #2 message is to treat women with respect and give credit as they have earned. You "men" are really good at nothing but following some dumb macho stereotype given to you by Pa! You can probably leave out the part about getting "the shit fucked out of you" -- It sorta portrays women in a bad light, guys. Remember....you're always dorks , but being gay is okay....treat the girls right and you will always have a boy friend to suck your cock. good night."

AND BECAUSE ALL OF THAT TALK ABOUT HOMOSENSUALITY MAKES US FEEL, WE DON'T KNOW....KINDA FUNNY WE'LL CLOSE WITH THIS!!!

HI. THE GAY MEN AT MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME JUST LOVE ME, DON'T THEY?

Man. We hate ourselves. Absolutely HATE ourselves for wanting to bang this broad with our BIG COCKS (Code for: We are GAY). And for wanting her to gum our gangplanks we are more than horribly ashamed (read: GAY). But if it's any solace, you all can sleep more easily at night (translation: hang with TOM CRUISE) knowing that we will be trying (Hot Latin Interpretation: Bouncing Nuts Off His Teeth).

Thank you very much.

AND THE YEAH. SURE. RIGHT. AWARD GOES TO...

A man was arrested Saturday after being found trapped among drainpipes in a ceiling above a women's toilet here, police said. Shuichi Arai, 50, a company employee from Kumatori, Osaka Prefecture, was arrested for trespassing. Arai admits to the allegations, saying he climbed into the airport ceiling to escape somebody who was chasing him. Police, however, believe that he was trying to climb up above the women's toilet so he could spy on patrons using the restroom and have pledged to continue investigating.

INSIDE JENNIFER WELLES

...You will find every nasty idea

we've ever had!!!

125651

BLACK DICKS IN WHITE CHICKS #7

Red Light District

Rating: 3.5 "You Should Have Picked Your Own Cotton" BUSTED NUTS

I knew this flick was gonna be somethin’ harsh when I turned over the box only to see a magnificent picture of LILY LIXXX doing the clumsy pelican and smiling like a teenage girl getting a pony...but with a face dripping hate paste.

Sure, sure, some of the broads in this flick are lookin' a little homely and common, but it sure does add to that "just got picked up at McDonalds'" theme
RED LIGHT DISTRICT has perfected beyond belief. Besides, as bartender to the stars, I’ve seen Black dicks go home with worse, MUCH worse, in the White chicks department.

This flick is like a Klan nightmare though. Having all of their pure Aryan broads tainted with black cocks and mud seed in ways previously only hinted at and that their hillbilly asses will never truly understand. I can just see them all standing around the TV at the Cracker Barrel, with their robes and dunce caps screaming to their supremely supreme White brothers about how "The Nigras is a ruinin’ yas lives!"

So if for no other reason, pick this shit up just to piss off the Klan. Unless you're IN the Klan, in which case you can only hope for the day when every white woman's face is covered in beautiful white seed the way God truly intended it to be.

Footnote of note: DARREN JAMES of recent HIV Positive fame is in this one as well.--HABIB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/200251.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

DOCTOR, DOCTOR, GIMME THE NEWS: I GOT A BAD CASE OF HOMO!

Yo Vinnie,
Yeah yeah, I hear all about that prostate shit. But what about all this goddamned ass play. How necessary is that? --Mike Patton (by email)

WHAT IT MIGHT BE

Dear Mr. Patton: I ain't no doctor. For any and all medical help we usually go to THE DOCTOR. And as luck would have it, he's in.

"There are many, many men out there who are afraid of going to the doctor, and no matter what they say, the REAL reason is: they are concerned about getting a finger stuck up their ass. Typically, the run-of-the-mill rectalphobe will get all sputtery and red-in-the-face if you ask him what his problem is vis-a-vis getting his bung checked. He'll start with "AAAh, ya know, it's unh, well am I supposed to LIKE it or something? What the fuck, I suppose YOU look forward to it! WHAT ARE YOU, A FAGGOT?!"

That's usually when the conversation ends, and the hitting starts.

The problem with these guys is that they are 1) irrational and emotional, 2) unable to look at an issue logically, 3) self-centered and narcissistic, and 4) closet cases in full-blown homo panic.

WHAT IT IS. PITY THE POOR DOCTOR.

But a man in the grips of ass-panic doesn't care (that it's not painful nor does it take long to perform), because he thinks that the doctor is gay, or the doctor is a sadist who gets pleasure from giving the exam. The reluctant rat-hole recipient apparently thinks that his asshole is some sort of erotic holy grail for the disproportionately gay medical practitioner population. Your real problem with going to the doctor is that you are afraid that when he sticks his finger up your ass YOU MIGHT LIKE IT!! Well, who is the faggot now?

So here's the solution. Go to the doctor, and when he tells you it's time for your rectal, just say no, you don't feel like it. It really works. He will probably be more relieved than you are. Try not to get your feelings hurt too bad, big boy."--THE DOCTOR

INCUMMING

Diabolic Digital

Rating: FOUR "Wow, A Certified Letter!" BUSTED NUTS

This one gets points for the witty title and bonus points for the mind-numbing fucking that will surely have you wondering where the fuck you are and how you ended up cock in hand screaming at people on the phone.

SAL...SAL...I'M...I'M HAVING YOUR BABY!!!!

While personally not a huge fan of internal cum shots, you know? The same way I’m not a huge fan of paternity suits, wage garnishments and commitment. This one I can sort of get into since not all of the cum-shots are…how do I put this? In-utero. Some are actually the deep-colon-cleansing kind. You know the kind that won’t say stuff like: "Running to Afghanistan will not protect you from your responsibility as a father." Or things like: "You thought you were smart but the Taliban have agreed to allow the court to garnish your wages!"

Anyhow, featuring ANNIE LOVE, ERIKA KANE and JASMINE LYNN. You better get out the lotion and paper towels for this one, oh yes, you might want to break out your checkbook too. You know, just in case…--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/200830.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BIG WET ASSES #2

Elegant Angel

Rating: 3.8 "Sequel's Curse" BUSTED NUTS

He’s baaaaaaaack.....

BIG WET ASSES #1 was nothing short of a revelation, a delight. Nothing short of a cult smash hit. In fact, in retrospect, we’re upping the first’s score to a full FIVE BUSTED NUTS. Yup, like any cult classic, it just keeps getting better with age.

So we were primed for more genius, but it turns out that even in fuck flicks does the rule apply: sequels don’t live up to the original.

We blame the fake boobage. Way, WAY too much of this in this movie.

But even before we go that far, where is our caped crusader? (And when we say caped, we mean “only a cape.”) Our German lunatic, robotman dancing, hard hat wearing wanker who fights crime armed with his signature weapon, a dildo tipped water pistol loaded with lube??!?!

He’s only in one scene. I want the director’s eyes.

It’s almost if the Teutonic champion has become even too cult for this movie. And for that we are sad. Sadder and even more nostalgic even to find that the bonus scene on the DVD is nothing other than a scene from the first Big Wet Asses. Even the DVD knows what’s what.

MASON "PERFECT" STORM LOOKING FOR LOVE

But Big Wet Asses 2 makes a good go at the wonderment of the original. Tons of screaming at a huge Buddha head, intense, cock-punching bouts of action, everything covered by a tarp, and a fucking five-gallon bucket of lube. And true to cultness, really weird, inexplicable little details. One scene, featuring someone we believe to be MASON STORM--who by the way is stacked like the display window at Legoland--begins with Storm having permed hair. Then, somewhere along the line, she suddenly doesn’t. And her hair isn’t wet, either. In fact, it kinda looks like a different woman. Weird.

Think of Big Wet Asses 2 like “Matrix Reloaded.” It’s fun, but all the extraneous extra characters weakens it a lot. Get the first. You’ll probably end up getting the second, anyway.--STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/139233.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE WORD GULLIBLE IS NOT IN THE FUCKING DICTIONARY EITHER: A SKULLGAME ISSUE OF MISDIRECTION, PREVARICATIONS AND BALD-FACED GODDAMNED LIES CONCERNING HIV, PORN, AND JENNIFER LOPEZ

DARVA CONGER, THE PATRON SAINT OF "I JUST WANT MY GODDAMNED PRIVACY. I WANT MY LIFE BACK...WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WHILE I GET PHOTOGRAPHED TOTALLY FUCKING NAKED," USHERS IN THE MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME ISSUE OF THE COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE

THE PORN INDUSTRY VOLUNTARILY SHUTS DOWN FOR 60 DAYS UNTIL HIV SCARE GETS SUSSED OUT

"HAHAHA...FUCK...IS THERE ANYBODY STUPID ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT SHIT?" SKULLGAME WRITER HABIB LAUGHS.

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Adult movie producers agreed to shut down sets for 60 days last Thursday after two performers tested positive for the virus that causes AIDS. The MULTIBILLION dollar industry has issued statements voluntarily noting that they will not be filming again until the nonprofit Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation has found that all tests are cleared.

When reached for comment SkullGame's VINNIE ROSE said "yeah. Right. Sure. Whatever."

KRIS KRAMSKI GETS HIS ASS KICKED BY FAYNER, VINNIE ROSE TO THE GODDAMNED RESCUE

KRIS KRAMSKI HOPES TO GOD TO BE ABLE TO DIRECT MAINSTREAM FEATURES ONE DAY....HAHAHAHAHAHAAH. YEAH. RIGHT. SURE. WHATEVER.

Recently on LUKE FORD, head motherfucker and friend of SKULLGAME's, Scott Fayner had this to say about porn-director with pathetic mainstream aspirations Kris Kramski:

"According to my source, Kris Kramski is no longer employed by Hustler Video. Makes sense. I'd rather eat a Rib sandwich from AM/PM than sit thru his garbage. His remarks about HIV being harmless only fuels the already scorching flames of dumbassness which is Kris Kramski. Also, it was made quite clear during my chat with my LFP source that LFP and VCA do not share Mr. Kramski's remarks about HIV in any which way shape or form. Unless they too were delusional, that is. They believe, like most of us, that HIV is a dangerous and very serious concern for all of us."

SCOTT FAYNER BEING VERY CONCERNED WHILE ARIANA JOLLEE WONDERS WHERE THE FUCK SHE WENT WRONG

And in full-on NPR fashion VINNIE writes back:

"...Jesus. It is well-known that I'm an asshole's asshole over here HOWEVER it should be noted that though presented in an unstudied fashion, KRIS KRAMSKI's points on the relationship between AIDS and HIV is supported by the research of some of the top researchers. To whit: UC Berkeley's Peter Duesberg. Don't want to believe the porn prick or the pointy headed intellectual? OK, look at the evidence: more and more people are living with HIV in first world countries than are dying from AIDs. In the absence of co-factors the opportunistic diseases that were part and parcel of AIDS (and more than likely just some admixture of syphilis and other stuff), don't take hold and what should happen from a viral point of view, that the viruses host NOT expire, happens. And you have MAGIC JOHNSON.

ciao,
Vinnie

It should be noted that ROSE was heard to mumble after emailing that off that if well-reasoned arguments failed, he'd be willing to fuck someone up to make his point.

TO FULLY COMPREHEND THIS NEXT BIT OF BULLSHITALIA, YOU'LL HAVE TO BEAR WITH US AND WALK BACK THROUGH TWO PREVIOUS BITS BEFORE THE LAST BIT, AND IT IS THE LAST BIT BECAUSE WE'RE HEP TO THIS HOES CONSTANT FRIGGIN' DESIRE TO STAY IN OUR BRAINS AND WE JUST WON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.

PLEASE WALK BACK WITH US IN TIME. A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO. WHEN WE WE RAN THE FOLLOWING NEWS ITEM.

SELF-ASBORBED CUNT'S LEVEL OF SELF-ABSORPTION REACHED SELF-ABSORBEDLY CRITICAL LEVEL LEADING HER TO LEAVE L.A. FOR THE MUCH-LESS SELF-ABSORBED MIAMI

LOOK WHAT JUST WASHED UP ON THE BEACH: A BITCH!

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Jennifer Lopez, known mostly for sucking long and hard, is leaving Los Angeles for good in an effort to show her true fans her real personality: that would be "insufferable bitch."

And J.Lo in an effort described as "not fooling anyone" is now ready to demonstrate her softer, funnier side by appearing at this weekend's Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, where she is expected to be covered in green slime just like former guests TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE and CAMERON DIAZ. She has declined a SKULLGAME invite to be covered in white slime just like former guests TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE and CAMERON DIAZ.

FLASH FORWARD TO NOW...

DESPITE SELF-ASBORBED CUNT'S NEAR TOXIC LEVEL OF SELF-ABSORPTION AND DESPITE HER MUCH-VAUNTED MOVE TO MIAMI, HER SELF-ABSORBEDLY CONSTANT BLEATINGS CONTINUE UNABATED AS SHE RECENTLY OPINES, "I HATE MY SKINNY ANKLES," WHILE AMERICA SCREAMS AND SCREAMS

I HATE THEM. GOLEM HATE THEM MY PRECIOUS. I HIDE. I HIDE.

MIAMI (SkullGame) -- JENNIFER LOPEZ insists she isn't as physically perfect as she thinks people think she is and, get this, she hates her "skinny" ankles about as much as we hate the rest of her.

She says in a burst of self-involvement bordering on the clinically defined stages of intense self-mania, "I don't love my ankles. They're too skinny! Look at them!!! I mean you can't possibly look at them as much as I look at them because I look at my ankles a lot, but do you see what I mean? The rest of me is PERFECT. But the ankles? Well they are whatever things are that aren't quite so perfect. What's the word for that again? Normal? Why, yes."

IN MIAMI A PENSIVE JENNIFER LOPEZ TAKES A MOMENT TO REFLECT ON "I, I, I...ME, ME, ME...I, ME, I, ME, ME, ME, ME. AND I."

But Lopez explains, "I moisturize my body and face whenever I get out of the shower, at night before bed and in the morning. Plus, I get at least eight hours of sleep a night. I don't like the way my body feels otherwise." J.Lo is launching a new beauty line in the U.S. next month, featuring a Renewing Body Exfoliator, Bronzing Body Moisturizer and Firming Curve Cream.

SKULLGAME is suggesting that she also try and/or think about adding our special line of coconut squeezings astringent called DEEZE NUTS. A light and fruity fragrance that gently hangs around your chin like a breathe of fresh Irish spring.

JENNIFER LOPEZ CAUSES CHAOS AT DENZEL PREMIERE AS SHE TOTES IN SIGN THAT SAYS LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I'M RIGHT OVER HERE!!!

YOU REMEMBER THAT SCENE FROM A CLOCKWORK ORANGE WHERE THEY WIRED THE GUY'S EYES OPEN AND MADE HIM WATCH MOVIES 24 HOURS A DAY. THAT'S WHAT DEALING WITH THIS CUNT IS LIKE.

BACK IN HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Needy superslut freak JENNIFER LOPEZ caused chaos on Sunday when she upstaged Denzel Washington at his own film premiere in Hollywood.

Lopez tried to make a low-key entrance at the "Man on Fire" screening in Westwood, but she became the star of the show the minute she stepped onto the red carpet, wearing a revealing flesh-colored dress and carrying a sign that read LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I'M RIGHT OVER HERE!!!.

The 33-year-old was there to support reported new cock MARC ANTHONY, who appears in the film but before he could get a pause in edgewise MS. LOUDMOUTH had this to say about the recent porn HIV scare

"HIV is bad. But don't I look great? I got over that skinny ankles thing. Now I'M just worried about ME and MY shitty fucking career. Oh. Oops I got to go. I see some oxygen over there that I haven't already sucked down. Ta ta."

WELL THIS AT LEAST EXPLAINS RON JEREMY

Charles Darwin was wrong -- humans evolved from pigs, not apes. And that explains the Biblical prohibition against consuming the flesh of our oinking relatives, according to a startling new theory. "It's hard to believe, but you and Porky Pig are kissing cousins," says genetic scientist Dr. Basil Hainwright of London. "Dim recollections of a time when we trotted on all fours and rolled in the mud with our family members probably survived into Neolithic times."

INSIDE JENNIFER WELLES

Video X Pix

Rating: FIVE "Hello 42nd Street" BUSTED NUTS

Sure. Sure. Laugh. Laugh if you want. You see the experience of watching INSIDE JENNIFER WELLES for many of you will be like watching fucking Albanian porn: strange, confusing and slightly frightening.

Start with the fact that everybody here's got pubic hair.

WHAT THE FUCK IS PUBIC HAIR?!?!

Well you see once upon a time in America people thought it was OK to have marks of secondary sex characteristics like hair on their genitalia instead of being all cue ball smooth. Now I ain't delivering no backhanded commentary. I like the clean look and have no desire to go back to hairpie land, I'm just helping you identify that foreign fucking feeling you'll be having watching some fuck flick that's older than a lot of fucks fucking in fuck flicks today.

The next thing you'll have to get used to is the jokey humor, which I'll explain by saying that in 1978 people were taking A LOT of drugs. Make that A LOT OF DRUGS. And this was before AIDS too so they were having the motherfucking times of their life. HIGH AS FUCKING VERY HIGH KITES.

OUTSIDE of these strange discordancies for those of the modern sensibility, this IS ONE OF THE GREATEST FUCKING MOVIES EVER.

JENNIFER WELLES, she of the legit stage and screen (she was like in that straight movie THE GROOVE TUBE with Richard Belzer and Chevy Chase), was, even pushing her mid-40s the way she was here, HOTTER THAN A FUCKING VERY HOT THING. The tits, the ass, the sheer animal joy of fuck...shit...I've been trying to fuck Jennifer Welles for years and didn't even know it. And the fact that she only made a very few films, makes this one all the more amazing to have.

But in it she fucks a guy who looks like he could be in that band MONSTER MAGNET. She fucks fat jewish guys. She fucks the great R. BOLLA. And then for the piece de resistance she fucks a whole chinese restaurant full of guys who have their ethnically correct trademark music usher them into frame, culminating with the Zorba the Greek theme on the bouzouki for the guy who, yeah you guessed it, fucks her in the ass.

This movie changed my life. I swear to fucking God. It changed my life.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/125651.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NEW GIRLS

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Busted Nut" BUSTED NUTS

NEW GIRLS?

Come on man, you weren’t even trying to come with a witty name. I mean the least you could have done was come across with something along the lines of The Principle of Reverse Ridicule where you name the film something wonderfully post-modern like: "Porno Movie" you know, something like that.

Any how, this movie was completely shot in Prague and Budapest and just like I said before God bless Reagan and his bullheadedness in regards to the former Warsaw Pact countries, because without NATO standing watch in front of the Iron Curtain we would not be enjoying such fine pornography today.

Now before I get into how trickle-down economics made double penetration possible let me get down to the getting down.

This movie features the very fine and aptly named "DARK ANGEL" not to be confused with the television show of the same name. Dark Angel fares from the Slovak Republic and has a big set of natural tits that brings to mind the phrase in case of water landing those big pontoons on your chest are more likely to float than these useless fucking seat cushions.

Also featuring SARA (way to distinguish yourself), NOEMI, TAMIRA (has anyone told these girls not to use their real names?), Sheryl, MILI JAY and Henriette. This movie is totally jam packed with relatively vanilla sex with beautiful horny girls including four scenes of one on one action, two scenes featuring two girls and one guy, and lots and lots of jerked jiz.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/204383.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

CUM IN MY ASS NOT IN MY MOUTH #2

Red Light District

Rating: 3.3 "She's Got A Mean Cum Backhand" BUSTED NUTS

As porn progresses into the aughts, the focus has been steadily moving away from being erotic to being gross. It’s like the sickos that make this stuff get together after work and try to one up each other with boasts of disgusting carnality.

Today’s case in point: CUM IN MY ASS, NOT IN MY MOUTH #2. A bit of now and then contrast:

Then: The erotic, taboo experience of anal sex.

Now: All that, but then the girl shits the cum back out of her ass like some manner of gloppy waterfall of virulence.

And somewhere, some porn director is working on a way to have a girl not only shoot cum out of her ass, but somehow shoot it back into the dude’s dick, who then shoots it back, and so it goes, volley after volley. "This'll make cum-swapping by mouth seem like a kiss on the cheek," the director is thinking.

Luckily, with higher levels of grossness comes even finer and finer chicks. And this movie does not disappoint for one second, with JULIE SILVER, LUCY LEE, and ELEN SAINT, along with a couple other fine ass would-be cum guns. (If you get the DVD version you also will see a rather nice POV anal scene.)

JULIE SILVER BEING MINED FOR GOLD

So, yeah, give us the babes and the anal, but maybe consider that seeing every ridge of the inside of a gorgeous woman’s large intestine may not have the most stiffening of results.

Ahh...for the days when porn was just about the thrill of scoring with a hot babe.--STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202422.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MAN FUCKED IN ASS BY CASINO: NOT FOR THE LAST TIME EITHER

A MAN was impaled on a fence outside Brisbane's casino today after falling during a bid to get inside. Police said the man fell from the first floor as he scaled the outside of the heritage listed Treasury Casino on George Street at 2.40am. He had earlier been refused entry. The 29-year-old was taken from the scene with part of the fence still piercing his buttocks and groin after being cut free of the rest of the fence by emergency workers.

SKULLGAME GETS FUCKED BOTH COMING AND GOING WHILE REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS' TITS STAY ON OUR MIND, GINA GERSHON JERKS WITH OUR JOINTS AND A BUNCH OF OTHER BITCHES WHO IT IS VERY CLEAR NEED US LIKE MOST PEOPLE NEED AIR GET THE ROYAL TREATMENT

A SkullGame Primer On Broads Who Could Count On Our Cocks To Make Their Lives Complete: wherein we offer non-porn charity cases the chance to get fucked by us as it would make THEIR goddamned presently miserable lives totally fucking perfect beyond all reasonable human measure

GABY REESE & ANNA KOURNIKOVA

ANNA POURNIKOVA AND T-BONE SANTA SUNNING IN ST. TROPEZ

They are finely tuned professional athletes, I am a big sports fan. They are strong as hell, I need stuff moved around my garage. They look good in pig tails and plaid skirts, I am a life long learner. Their skin gets dry from over exposure to the sun, I am good with lotions. They date really handsome, symmetrical overly chiseled rich boys, I am salt of the Earth. Real peoples is me. I would be a dose of humility... bring them back to reality. Me and the girls stroll into Sizzler on a Wednesday night. They would be better for it, I am selfless like that. Even let them put the tab on their Amex.

REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS

WE USUALLY HATE THESE ARCH-BACKED MODEL BITCHES, BUT WE'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION WITH THIS ONE

She's now divorced from the very sensitive and almost possibly not gay John Stamos. And she's in every single movie like ever. X-Men. The Punisher. You name it. In The Punisher this former Victoria Secret slut plays a waitress with a heart of gold. Whatever. Come to Vinnie, baby. But bring that beer with you when you come.

GINA GERSHON circa SHOWGIRLS

GERSHON COUNTS LENNY KRAVITZ AS A FAMILY FRIEND. DOES THIS MEAN WHAT WE THINK IT MEANS?

Ms. Gershon was the little girl on the playground who made the little boys scared for reasons they would only come to fully understand by fifth grade, which is right around the time when she became wholly unattainable. With a mouth like that, I shouldn’t have to explain why the Jewess, Ms. Gershon, needs this Latin lover. Only I can complement such a vicious smile. Only I can teach that bird to sing. But to cement the deal, Ms. Gershon has made it abundantly clear to her public that she loves rock’n’roll. Well, The Argentine is rock’n’roll. In spades.

CONDI RICE

SEXY SEXY SEXY. IN THAT JODIE FOSTER SORT OF WAY

I call Pharmacy Matt. He hooks T-Bone up, I spike her drink early in the evening. By 10 pm she is crazy out of her mind. Taking off her panties in the cab, while I talk filthy nasty to her about how I like to turn the sound down and watch her mouth move on the TV. I tell her she’s got a nice mouth like the girl on the Little Debbies snack cake box and she has no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I tell her I will punish her for not knowing, go all Iraq on her and shit and she laughs, half choking on the greasy buffalo wing she's jamming in that sweet big ass mouth.

JENNIFER ANNISTON

STERNO, SUCKJOBS AND SUMMERING AT THE TRAIN YARD

Goddamn it, I hated that fucking show FRIENDS. I mean what about ENEMIES, the show about the neighbors that write FUCK YOU on your front door, steal your newspaper and piss in the elevator not because they couldn't hold it but just because you might get blamed for it. Yeah. That's the show I'd like to see. Starring Jennifer Anniston, Vinnie Rose and The Osbournes.

JESSICA SIMPLETON

SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HATE THEMSELVES IN THE MORNING AND I THINK THAT SOMEBODY IS ME

OK. Vinnie Rose can fucking admit it. I don't know her. I don't her work. But I think she's a genius. Even if she is very possibly the stupidest person on the planet. Those wide staring eyes....eyes? Fuck that. I'm still juicing the jugs, coconut style. When she starts doing porn, as she inevitably will, I want next.

JENNIFER GARNER

SHE READS POETRY. TO YOU. AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT RAIN

That girl on the TV show ALIAS...she's got a great looking chin. Flat, unblemished. Smeared with just a bit of left over Hostess Cupcake. Like a little shelf when she is on her back, at the end of my bed, and I am standing looking down at her wearing only my mismatched socks. She says, "I am a secret agent..." and I say, "Did you pick up more Little Debbies like I told you too?" "No, T-Bone" she says sounding afraid and apologetic. I bend my knees and rest my cock on that chin. "Cream filling?" I ask. "You're good peoples, " she says.

BEYONCE KNOWLES

A FUCKING RHINESTONE COWGIRL

Yo. This is just one fucking fine ass white bitch. Fine. Now if you're asking Cornholio's personal opinion I say white bitches don't come much better than this. You sure she ain't got a little black in her? You sure she don't want none?

BRING'UM YOUNG #14

Straight out of Utah: SLUTS!!!

202251

CAN YOU TURN A HO INTO A HOUSEWIFE?

Yo Vinnie,
My girlfriend cheats on me. I mean I caught her once and though she promised to let it never happen again, I have my suspicions. But I love her. What do I do?--A.E. (by email)

ANOTHER SKULLGAME SERVICE: FINDING WHAT YOU'RE BETTER OFF LOSING

Dear Mr. Finishes Last: Listen to yourself. LISTEN to yourself. "Let it happen"? Is that what you call it when she YANKS down the postman's zipper, jams as much of his man meat into her maw as it'll hold, and juggles both balls while doing so? Goddamn it, man, snap out of it. You got yourself a bona fide SLUT on your hands and rather than trying to love her into some sort of Stepford coma, you should be making fucking lemonade out of those lemons and lining up your friends, your friend's friends, their cocks and a film crew. In other words: you got a goldmine on your hands. Don't fuck it up with all of that love shit.

PHAT AZZ WHITE GIRLS #7

West Coast Productions

Rating: FOUR "Damn That’s A Big Ass! What Was Your Name Again?" BUSTED NUTS

West Coast Productions is at it again with the newest installment of that strangely long-lived series, PHAT AZZ WHITE GIRLS. "Strangely," because you didn't hear shit about white dudes liking big-assed white broads until a fair number of aforementioned big-assed white broads started getting done by big-dicked black dudes. As they do here in number SEVEN, to be exact, where West Coast has turned the volume up to 11 while reinventing the genre of big-assed white girls getting boned up, well, by black dudes.

But getting back to the asses, we've discovered that there are a couple of things that you just can’t fake: a lunar landing [BULLSHIT on that!--VINNIE ROSE], a knuckleball and above all a...big...round...juicy...ass!

These are the PERFECT asses my friends, all the width and none of the unsightly cottage cheese or stretch marks. This one is definitely a must-have for all you ass lovers, chock full of cuties with the big round booties. Move over Janet Reno there is a new crew of fat ass white broads in town and they are all about fucking.

Yup. These bitches are not playing. They are all about moving that big ass to and fro. But what ELSE can you expect? You ask.

Well, you can expect plenty of ass, plenty of fucking and plenty of ass-fucking. Should I spell it out for you? A-S-S. F-U-C-K-I-N-G. A-S-S-F-U-C-K-I-N-G. Got it? Good.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/205333.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ONE ON ONE #4

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Why Is The Producer Bald And Pale? Like A Penis?" BUSTED NUTS

Everybody is entitled to a fuck up every now and again right?

Wrong!

When I am frantically pounding...cock firmly in hand...that is not the time to fulfill your fantasy to produce fuck flicks.

Maybe there is a porn fantasy camp out there or even a Make a Wish Foundation for Cancer kids who want to produce porn. And if so, by all means, go there and film away. Do not however release these films to the dick-tugging public. That is just cruel and unfair, especially...let me repeat...especially when I am yanking my york.

That said, scene number one features BOBBI EDEN and a guy who brings to mind vivid and disturbing images of your teenage brother who has a fetish for Sony Playstation. And producing porn. The skinny prick shows his obvious discomfort at being in front of the camera by over-enunciating his words, believing that if he somehow stretches the word beyond any syllabic reasoning it will miraculously melt away his awkwardness.

Does it work?

Not even a little.

His multi-syllabic butchery of the English language not only calls attention to his obvious awkwardness in front of the camera but also to the length at which our public school system is failing our children.

The second party to scene one was no other than Bobbi Eden. Bobbi who has appeared in other Red Light District productions like STRAIGHT A STUDENT tops this all out assault on the lingua patria with the strangest accent I have ever heard. Ever! (She's maybe Dutch?!?) All she does is toss out these non sequiturs, throughout the scene, saying things like "fish sandwich" and "my plant's name is Christopher."

It was crazy. I really started looking around to check whether or not I was on some kind of porn candid camera bit or maybe I'd been dosed with some LSD I had forgotten about in a drug-addled fog.

The rest of this movie, while not as hypnotically interesting and simultaneously revolting as scene one, offers some pretty good sex scenes (all one on one) with some extremely attractive girls. Now, you can go one of two ways with this, either it's great, as in watching it with your friends while laughing it up at a bachelor party…or…the stakes have suddenly gone up and you are firmly entrenched on your couch cock in hand and remote control with your thumb on the mute. Either way you will definitely get what you need, that being your rocks off.

Featuring DANI WOODWARD and starring TRACIE KELLY, CATHY OZ and ERIK "OH WOW" EVERHARD.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/204865.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

BIGGZ AND THE BEAUTIES

New Sensations/Digital Sin

Rating: FOUR "If Size Doesn't Matter, Then NOTHING Does" BUSTED NUTS

Who are the nice leather couches for? And the marbled floors? And the large, duvet-slathered bed? I mean who the FUCK are all these scenes of ersatz opulence for? All these scenes of financially significant money accrual? Like it’s going to make somebody feel better about having a chinful of coconut squeezings.

KATSUMI SAYS: "I FEEL GGGGREEEEAAATTTT!!!"

But OK, OK, we know an out of control production designer doesn’t mean the vids going to suck. We know they do this shit, well they probably do it for someone for whom this shit matters in the first place, to whit: beeyatches. They need this shit to get the women in the joint in the FIRST place to film the fucking thing and they probably need to have it to pimp this stuff as couple’s fare. But they sure as shit don’t need it for us.

I mean give us a fucking hamburger on a park bench and we’re happy you know, because WE know that the glories of our existences are present in spades, even if largely unseen. In other words, we don’t need all that shit to confirm our greatness. We need only the affirmation of the enormity of our intelligence, vision, genius. Oh yeah, and COCK.

Enter Mr. BIGGZ.

And 13 fucking inches later you’re calling bullmotherfuckingshit on almost every quality OTHER than cock, because when a woman’s been fucked by over a third of a yard of cock, she’s been somewhere worth writing home about.

Like…..a Biggz vid. Because there’s nothing like the look you see on a woman's face when she’s about to get jacked by the metrics. I mean nothing works for the fuckification of danglitude like seeing hot broads plugged in like fucking Christmas trees, which they are once Biggz lays the pine to them. He knows it, KATSUMI, VICTORIA and a bunch of other hoes know it, and most of all YOU will know it.

MASTURBATION IS ALIVE AND WELL IN AMERICA!!!!—VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/126547.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE NOW ISSUE: COURTNEY LOVE BROKE, PEOPLE GIVING A FUCK ABOUT SOCCER, AND BREAKING NEWS-- EVERYTHING TOTALLY FUCKED UP FOREVER AS HIV PANIC GRIPS PORN!!!

WITH A SAN FERNANDO VALLEY DISABLED AND SWUNG LOW ALL FUTURE PORN WILL NOW BE PRODUCED IN KAZAKHSTAN

THE HIV HAMMERS $12 BILLION PORN BIZ TO NO ONE'S GREAT SURPRISE

DUCK AND FUCKING COVER

CHATSWORTH (SkullGame) -- In a tragic set of circumstances coming dangerously close to the perfect storm of puritanical political outrage, fin de siecle preoccupations and an industry riven with internal divisions, San Fernando Valley has shut its doors until the DARREN JAMES HIV riddle can be unraveled.

Presumably contracting it during a shoot in Brazil where pre-work AIDS tests are routinely faked, James is now the point man in an Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation investigation concerning his sexual contacts and their sexual contacts post-his South American sojourn.

The chilling effect this will have on the industry, not to mention the incalculable human element, will fuck things up for a very, very, very long time.

And no, it's not funny at all.

IN A RELATED DEVELOPMENT: IT'S AN ILL WIND THAT DOESN'T BLOW SOMEONE SOME GOOD

SKULLGAME WILL FUCK FOR PUSSY

CALIFORNIA (SkullGame) -- The men of SKULLGAME who are ROUTINELY under-fucked, whose meat spends a lot of time loafing and are presently sporting totally clean HIV tests, are available for, you know, things, if anybody in the valley should give a fuck.

IN ANOTHER SHOCKER: COURTNEY LOVE "LOSES" $40 MILLION

YEAH. SURE. I LOST IT. UH HUNH. THE MONACO POLICE ARE LOOKING FOR IT UP BY THE HOTDOG STAND WHERE I THINK I LEFT MY PURSE

BULLSHITONIA (SkullGame) -- "Rocker" and Media Whore COURTNEY LOVE has concocted, emphasis on COCK, yet another way to wheedle into our collective unconscious, by "claiming" today that she's been "swindled" out of a $40 million fortune, meaning her daughter may not receive a cent of her inheritance from late Nirvana star father Kurt Cobain.

The singer, 39 -- who also faces debts of $4 million for botched plastic surgeries, spring rolls and heroin -- insists millions of dollars have been "stolen" from her and her 11-year-old daughter Frances Bean Cobain.

"$40 million has been stolen from me and Francis by a fidu...by a fidush...by a fucking institution," says the clearly compromised Courtney. "I found out that my dog walker was making $100,000."

When reached for comment, SUE UHLAND, the dog walker, noted that this was a salary cut. "I forgot to pick up some dog shit in the Chanel scented poop bags and so she docked me half of my salary," says an obviously miffed Uhland.

Love continues, "One person put a BMW on my credit card. My daughter's trust fund has been stolen from to the point where she may have, like, nothing. I can't let this happen to Frances."

Those close to Love confirm a "large sum is unaccounted for." And that Love has currently bonded with the former football great OJ Simpson in a cross country BMW hunt for the malefactors.

SOCCER STAR DAVID BECKHAM FUCKS ANOTHER SLUT WHILE PREGNANT WIFE SPICE GIRL SLUT PLOTS A SPICE GIRL REUNION AND AMERICA GOOGLES EVERYTHING WE'VE JUST WRITTEN TO FIND OUT WHAT THE WORDS "SOCCER," "DAVID BECKHAM," AND "SPICE GIRL" MEAN

THE FUCKED SLUT: HER SIGN USED TO SAY "WILL SUCK FOR SHOES...THE EXPENSIVE KIND"

HASBEENIAN (SkullGame) -- Because we like soccer about as much as we like soccer "star" DAVID BECKHAM and his ex-Spice Girl Wife Nutsack Spice, we'll just stop here. We mean before anyone else gets hurt. Soccer infidelity story? Get the fuck outta here. We'd sooner write about gay porn. Which, if you think about it, is functionally identical to what we've just written.

SKULLGAME'S FIRST GENIUS AWARD: JOHN HERBISON

One man's porn palace is another man's furniture store. This is at the heart of the latest installment in a long-running disagreement between Metro police Vice officers and Metro News, which at one point billed itself as the world's largest adult bookstore. On Easter Sunday, Vice officers cited a clerk at the store on charges of violating state laws that require adult businesses to close on Sundays and holidays, Sgt. Rob Forrest said.

SLUTWOMAN'S REVENGE!

Elegant Angel

Rating: FIVE "How Many Munks Could A Chipmunk Munk If A Chipmunk Could Chip Munks?" BUSTED NUTS

Don’t let the smooth taste fool you. Nor the cover art. Don't let that fucking cover art fool you either. Because while Elegant Angel’s reputation is well-established, the cover art on this DVD, Elegant Angel rep aside, will initially put you off. Don't ask me why. Perhaps the "I Am Joe's Toilet Bowl Cam" vantage point.

However, cover art aside ROXANNE HALL, or as we've come to know her, Slutwoman, is incredible in this movie. Alternating between some relatively vanilla, yet no less titillating psychodrama, and all out rough throat gagging gang suck jobs Slutwoman puts the Elegant in Elegant Angel.

This movie, while having some problems with lighting and camera angles more than makes up for it by way of the pure whorishness of its female performers: it is more than obvious that Roxanne Hall relishes her role as the Slutwoman and in taking her "revenge" by sucking and fucking everyone within arm reach.

Revenge for who? For what?

Do I care? No.

Do I suggest you get this? You're motherfucking right I do...

This movie will drain your nuts like Janitor in a Fucking Drum. You will definitely need some paper towels for this one. And a mop, yeah you're going to need a mop too.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/138582.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

GANGBANG AUDITIONS #11

Diabolic Digital

Rating: FOUR "I Got Next" BUSTED NUTS

This movie is definitely a perfect example of Diabolic, and its sister company Anabolic, and their total fucking inability to make a bad movie.

First scene in relative porn newcomer BELLA MARIE WOLFE threatens to bark at the mood at the outset and eventually does just that. This particular scene is jammed, just fucking STUFFED, to brim with plenty of Double Penetrations, Ass-To-Mouth blow jobs and the mother-of-all-career-solidifying moves: DOUBLE ANAL!!! Bella Marie, although a little plump, is for certain a real gamer, taking on all comers in a way not seen in these here parts since…since…well since Gangbang Auditions #10.

TRIXIE'S TEARS OF FUCKING JOY

The second scene is for certain just as good, if not better, than scene one. TRIXIE KELLY, the sweet-faced green-eyed beauty lays into five guys like Kobe on the Clippers. Jumping from dick to dick in a merry-go-round of sucking and fucking not seen since…since…well, I guess Gangbang Auditions #10 again.

And last but not least BRITNEY MADISON, in scene number three, and her big natural 40 Double D’s gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: getting fucking plowed by yards of dick.

And outside of Bella Marie being a bit talky, a fact that I attribute to her relative newness to the industry, this movie is most certainly something that will be going in my private collection. You know, the one I keep with the hand lotion and paper towels.

Beautiful.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/204301.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

TRANSPOSED #9

Elegant Angel

Rating: ONE “Damn You Mexican Witch Doctor, Damn You To Hell!" BUSTED NUTS

Tranny porn is like a super surprise goldmine that no one dares to dig into.

I mean who can resist a hot fucking chick with a dick that actually knows how to fuck with her dick that's so perfect for fucking?

Bum fucking.

Except all the good ones seem to be shy, so we're left with some of the manliest looking chicks with dicks ever. We're left with dodgy products like this.

Most of these Brazilian bun boys fail to fuck buns like god gave them fucking
buns to fuck with.

Bum fucking, you know what I'm getting at.

A transsexual should look like a CHICK with a dick that knows how to fuck with it, not a dude that tries to LOOK like a chick with a floppy flip flop.

We are hurt.

This DVD has some good moments though. And some horribly bad ones. Two scenes are worthy of having your cock in your hand, jacking off and jacking off. Thanks be to the scene selection function. The rest is bad versus horrible. One thing absolutely kills the movie though. We're not talking about the "star" of this vid lactating out of her fake tit (like lactating went out of style, yeah right), or the hairy toy boys that willingly come close to some of the flaccid inducing monsters, or the flaccid inducing monsters themselves except for one in particular.

Crazy mexican looking guy.

1) He looks like an evil stepfather trying to be a stepmother. Of the EVIL chick seducing kind.
2) His playdough tits.
3) His inability to fucking cream the chick's stomach when needed to
4) DID I MENTION HIS PLAYDOUGH TITS?

Unreal.

The tits on this creature don't look like tits at all, more like something a sleazy mexican back-of-a-bar witch doctor that failed his mud sculpting class in kindergarten sculpted. On acid. Lots of acid. Lots of acid that we need to take before getting even remotely interested in this movie.

Two chicks with dicks out of five that actually look like CHICKS WITH DICKS is
not enough. We want more.

More hot fucking chicks that actually know how to fuck with their own dicks
that are perfect for fucking.

Bum fucking.

You know what I'm getting at.--HOI HOI POLLOI & THE FUCKING FLYING DUTCHMAN

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/200151.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME DRAPES ITS BRASS BALLS ACROSS THE BROWS OF JESSICA SIMPSON, TYRA BANKS & A BUXOTIC BEVY OF BITCHES WHO OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO FUCK WITH US

YEAH, WELL I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU, BABE, BUT, AH, I'M THINKING!!!

SKULLGAME NOTES WITH ALACRITY THAT TYRA BANKS STILL HAS "SOME BIG ASS TAYTAYS."

HONEYCOMBS' BIG. BIG, BIG, BIG. THEY'RE NOT SMALL. NO. NO. NO. HONEYCOMBS' GOT THE BIG BIG TASTE. A BIG BIG BITE IN A BIG BIG TASTE

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- In a 2001 phone interview our own VINNIE ROSE actually interviewed TYRE 'SPERM' BANKS for a national magazine, who is now having their hard-earned and copyrighted shit totally fucking ripped for our nefarious purposes. The parts left OUT of the interview proper are now printed here in all of their litigation loving glory.

VINNIE ROSE: So, do you like your men slender and girlish like say KEN GRIFFEY, JR. [She had just broken up with him] or more manly like, um, ME?

TYRA BANKS: Well I don't know that I'd call any baseball player girlish but I like men because of what's inside them.

VR: Like lots of cash and a large cock?

TB: Oh. Is this going to be this raw?

VR: It's a men's magazine, baby.

SURPRISE!!! IT WAS A MEN'S MAGAZINE. NOW IT'S JUST SOME REPURPOSED ARTICLE THAT PLACES YOU SOUNDLY IN THE TOILET BOWL OF OUR LOVE

TB: Well then I'd like to say that I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with men being gentlemen. In fact I find that very sexy.

VR: I'm a gentlemen. In fact I'm a sexy gentlemen. With lots of cash and a large cock.

TB: I'm sorry. Is there anything else you want to ask me?

VR: There's a cutting edge of awful finality to your last statement. So that's how it's going to be? You're just going to walk out of my life? Dropping my love like an egg into the carpet?

TB: Well if you have any other questions you should just fax them to Sharon in my agent's office. But I really got to run. Thanks a mil. [Hangs up.]

VR: Lesbian.

AMERICA HAS SPOKEN WITH ONE VOICE AND IT HAS SAID LOUD AND CLEAR: JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS!!!

I AM THE WOMAN THAT AMERICA HATES TO LOVE TO HATE AND I WILL BLOT OUT YOUR SUN

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Despite having opined on national TV that Chicken of the Sea tuna was made out of chickens, JESSICA SIMPSON's meteoric rise to the top seems to not be slowing with her appearing on no fewer than five magazine covers in the last two months despite not being able to sing very well, dance very well, act very well or do much of anything very well outside of making us all want to fuck the living shit out of her very well.

In spite of ourselves.

NOPE. NOT A SINGLE GAY JOKE ABOUT HIS SMOULDERING GOOD LOOKS, NOR HIS LISP OR HIS MINCE AND NO MENTION OF HIS GENERAL FATIGUE AT HAVING TO POKE ON JESSICA EVERY NIGHT FOR CHRISSAKES.

"I just really love her music," says lying sack of shit or gay man Mark Herman. "That song, songs, are, um, is really great. That one with the beat. But why is she married to that gay dude?" queries the lying sack of shit.

PLEASE WALK BACK WITH US IN TIME. A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO. WHEN WE WE RAN THE FOLLOWING NEWS ITEM.

SELF-ASBORBED CUNT'S LEVEL OF SELF-ABSORPTION REACHED SELF-ABSORBEDLY CRITICAL LEVEL LEADING HER TO LEAVE L.A. FOR THE MUCH-LESS SELF-ABSORBED MIAMI

LOOK WHAT JUST WASHED UP ON THE BEACH: A BITCH!

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Jennifer Lopez, known mostly for sucking long and hard, is leaving Los Angeles for good in an effort to show her true fans her real personality: that would be "insufferable bitch."

And J.Lo in an effort described as "not fooling anyone" is now ready to demonstrate her softer, funnier side by appearing at this weekend's Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, where she is expected to be covered in green slime just like former guests TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE and CAMERON DIAZ. She has declined a SKULLGAME invite to be covered in white slime just like former guests TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE and CAMERON DIAZ.

FLASH FORWARD TO NOW...

DESPITE SELF-ASBORBED CUNT'S NEAR TOXIC LEVEL OF SELF-ABSORPTION AND DESPITE HER MUCH-VAUNTED MOVE TO MIAMI, HER SELF-ABSORBEDLY CONSTANT BLEATINGS CONTINUE UNABATED AS SHE RECENTLY OPINES, "I HATE MY SKINNY ANKLES," WHILE AMERICA SCREAMS AND SCREAMS

I HATE THEM. GOLEM HATE THEM MY PRECIOUS. I HIDE. I HIDE.

MIAMI (SkullGame) -- JENNIFER LOPEZ insists she isn't as physically perfect as she thinks people think she is and, get this, she hates her "skinny" ankles about as much as we hate the rest of her.

She says in a burst of self-involvement bordering on the clinically defined stages of intense self-mania, "I don't love my ankles. They're too skinny! Look at them!!! I mean you can't possibly look at them as much as I look at them because I look at my ankles a lot, but do you see what I mean? The rest of me is PERFECT. But the ankles? Well they are whatever things are that aren't quite so perfect. What's the word for that again? Normal? Why, yes."

IN MIAMI A PENSIVE JENNIFER LOPEZ TAKES A MOMENT TO REFLECT ON "I, I, I...ME, ME, ME...I, ME, I, ME, ME, ME, ME. AND I."

But Lopez explains, "I moisturize my body and face whenever I get out of the shower, at night before bed and in the morning. Plus, I get at least eight hours of sleep a night. I don't like the way my body feels otherwise." J.Lo is launching a new beauty line in the U.S. next month, featuring a Renewing Body Exfoliator, Bronzing Body Moisturizer and Firming Curve Cream.

SKULLGAME is suggesting that she also try and/or think about adding our special line of coconut squeezings astringent called DEEZE NUTS. A light and fruity fragrance that gently hangs around your chin like a breathe of fresh Irish spring.

HABITRAIL WHOREHOUSES? FUCKING A RIGHT!

Scientists have developed a new technique for growing human breast tissues in living mice. The restructured mice may serve as the best experimental model yet for studying human breast cancer. Scientists studying breast cancer often use laboratory animals to induce disease in an effort to identify cancer-causing genes and environmental agents. They also test possible treatments in animals to avoid exposing humans to potentially hazardous drugs. Like Crack.

BRING'UM YOUNG #14

Anabolic Digital

Rating: FIVE “You're Sure I Won't Get Addicted To This Crack Stuff If I Keep Smoking It, Right?" BUSTED NUTS

What could be the deep-seated issues, the sublimated drives, the lurking inconsistencies that brought a one MS. ALLISON WYTE to the Anabolic studios in October of 2002?

ALLISON WYTE TO THE WHITE COURTESY ASS REAMING, PLEASE

You know something? I could not give a fuck.

Because the reasons are not as important as the fact that she showed up. With her ID! Which she and every other future hall of famer in this production proudly displays for the camera prior to getting boned.

Yes sir, this freckle-faced cunt will have you thanking whoever it is you pray to that Irish bitches have crack problems too. Allison willingly gives up that tight little freckled body in a way that tells me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that...that...that this girl is a real whore and loves to fuck.

I mean it’s not every day that you find slobs this young willing to DP (all of these girls are very horny and super game. No chance you will be feeling any kinda mid-jack guilt during this movie) and savor every minute of the simultaneous ass, cunt-blasting action.

The only thing else I can say about this movie is that I thank God I live in a country that chicks this fine can develop drug habits that are so nut-tuggingly pervasive that they are willing to get double teamed before they can even legally drink. God bless America...and crack...yeah that too.

This movie features CASSIE YOUNG, VERONICA LACE, Honey, Jaden, the super creepy faced TIA SINS, and an uncredited celebrity walk on by CRACK.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202251.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

TEEN BLACK CRAVINGS

West Coast Productions

Rating: 3.5 "I'd Never Join A Club That Would Have Me" BUSTED NUTS

OK.

There are certain people, with certain, aaah, sensitivities.

They are gifted with a depth of perception and intuition above the norm--so far to the right of their numb-dumb fellows on the bell curve that the rank and file may not even notice what it is that is different about them.

But notice a difference they do.

Perhaps they ridicule and tease, or ostracize. They might even shove the gifted one into a trashcan, spray his jock with ben-gay or trap him in a locker after wrestling practice. Unless he is a huge, muscle-bound behemoth. Then they merely keep their distance and mutter to themselves.

If he reviews pornography for a website they accuse him of being gay and make him watch all the Vivid stuff.

It's my life and I won't complain. I see that my gift has sentenced me to always getting the lame films that have a "plot," where the story is incomprehensible and the acting pathetic.

I am as God made me.

TEEN BLACK CRAVINGS is the tale of a man, his friends, and some young girls he meets that have a big impact on his life. One day he is sitting on the stoop of his house, reading a newspaper, when he meets a young woman coming home from school in the middle of the day. It appears that she is being sent home from Catholic school for either

1) dressing like a slut, 2)having a big tattoo on the small of her back and a tongue stud, or 3) wearing lucite stack heels the likes of which are rarely seen off the runway of strip clubs. In any case, the couple strike up a conversation and we discover that the young lady is in school and is an "A" student.

Here I have my first doubts about the plot.

The box for this disc, apparently written by this young kitten, has all the "S's" backwards and all the writing is very childish and immature-looking. Nonetheless, she subsequently confesses that a boy has shown her his "thing" and that she may have sucked it "a little." Our enterprising protagonist then offers to show her what a "black thing" looks like and within seconds she is sucking him inside out.

After the protagonist gets drained, a couple of his friends show up and are introduced to our ingénue, who proceed to take double vaginal, DP and all manner of other liberties with her. When our hero comes back in the room and tells the powder puff that her mother is looking for her (doubtless the headmaster at St. Vitus' has phoned home) she grabs her scanty apparel and skedaddles.

I may not have been paying attention very well, but what follows is a series of similar encounters between the trio con brio and a series of girls who all claim to be ditching school or some-such. Just between you and me, some of these girls don't look like they will be eligible for the debutante
cotillion this year. They are, however, very attractive and in most cases extremely friendly, so I suppose they will go far in life.

Finally, our crew says goodbye and part ways. I tried running through the film a couple more times to see if I could pick up the thread of the plot, but damned if I could. One of the guys had a French accent--maybe the script was French--those guys are weird to the bone. I found that I kept having to stop and rewind the film, and the remote got all
sticky.

In the end, I must say that this film will serve. You could even use it as a "How-To" guide for pick-up suavity if you ever meet a Catholic school girl with no underwear on, and 5-inch high stripper shoes, who is also partly retarded.

I also suppose that this film could be used as part of a statutory rape defense, but under no circumstances should it be shown to the jury if there are any women impaneled. If the jury are all men, viewing this little masterpiece would almost certainly result in an acquittal.—THE DOCTOR

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/203017.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ASSMAN #24

Anabolic

Rating: FIVE "Great Balls of Fire" BUSTED NUTS

Here at the Metal Wing of the Skullgame.com compound, there are two things that we prioritize above all else.

1) Metal and
2) Ass fucking

Wait, wait, wait make that

1) Metal
2) Ass fucking
3) and fucking guns and bombs and all kinds of shit exploding all over.

So. Well wait. We mean

1) Metal
2) Ass fucking
3) exploding shit and
4) cum splashing all over the fucking place and...

Goddamn it. You know what the fuck we mean.

Anyways, the Assman series seems to pander to our very peccadilloes--the second one, at least, since any woman appearing in this finest of JEAN-YVES LECASTEL’s series is sure to be fucked like Satan intended: every possible way. I mean Jesus, the highlight of the movie, in scene two, where J-Y goes apartment hunting and scores big time with his rental agent, cuts straight to the cock of the matter. (Note to Vinnie: we should start an agency like this. We’d blow Metro Rent out of the fucking water.)

We raised maximum goat horns to the previous Assman (that’s ASSMAN #23 for those who can’t keep count), and #24, being only slightly inferior, still gets the mere mortal version of Skullgame’s top rating, but for this they should not mourn. In the re-edit just throw in Emperor as the flick's soundtrack and we’ll round up the Skullgame crew into a LeCastel tribute band. Hail!!! – STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202244.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S ULTIMATE FIGHTING SPECIAL WHEREIN WE OVERINDULGE OURSELVES BY WRITING VICIOUS NEWS AND VIEWS ABOUT AMERICA'S GREATEST SPORT. COME BACK ON WEDNESDAY IF IT'S PORN YOU WANT. TODAY WE'RE IN THE FIGHT CLUB!!!!

FIGHTING AND FUCKING, FUCKING AND FIGHTING: IT DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. OR DOES IT?

So we were sitting around getting high and Sal says "we love ho's. But we love fighting too. We should start putting fight shit on SKULLGAME." Then we all ignored him until like two months later when we were sitting around getting high and I said "I have a GREAT idea, we love ho's. But we love fighting too. We should start putting fight shit on SKULLGAME." Then we went back to getting high and fucking ho's and finally someone said "say weren't you guys going to start doing fight stuff?" And so here we are: welcome to SKULLCRUSHER. And as soon as we're NOT high anymore (AS IF) we're going to start carrying all kinds of fight shit in THE SKULLGAME STORE (right under EXPLOITED MOMS on the front page). And fuck you if you don't like it.--VINNIE ROSE

THERE ARE NO SLUTS QUITE LIKE FIGHT SLUTS

RACHEL AND AMBER THINKING ABOUT THE MEN OF SKULLGAME

LAS VEGAS (ITALIAN SAL reporting): UFC 47 had submissions and hits but above all butts and tits. Two sets!

Rachel, the blonde, is one of those broads who are cookie cutter fine: 5’7, big fake knobs, and an ass that will make you want to kill your neighbor. Rachel is also a bit of a nomad (read: an escaping slut), who lives in two states and has moved between 7 different cities in the last 3 years. She was recently a bartender at the very Sexy “Beach” nightclub that was featured in HBO’s Taxicab confessions, a fact that we will not soon forget.

Amber wouldn't give me no play on account of her talking too much to VINNIE, a losing play if I ever saw one.

EXHIBIT A IN SKULLGAME'S UPCOMING LAWSUIT AGAINST THE MAN SHOW'S JOE ROGAN FOR HIS SEXUAL ASSAULT ON OUR OWN ITALIAN SAL

IT...IT WAS FUNNY...AT FIRST....

"I..I...don't know how it happened. I was just walking along. Minding my own business, your honor. And then NEXT THING I KNOW I was trapped in the appropriately named REAR NAKED CHOKE HOLD. And then I kind of blacked out. And when I woke up my ass hurt. And there was $50 on my pillow. I...I'm so ashamed. Ashamed in a way that would only be temporarily mollified by about $20 mil. Yes. That should just about do it."

HEAVYWEIGHT RICCO RODRIGUEZ FUCKS HOT BITCHES

THE FORMER HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP, HIS BITCH WITH THE BIG TAYTAYS, AND RED LIGHT DISTRICT'S VINCE VOUYER, WHO LARGELY HAS THE FUCKING RIGHT IDEA, SUBMIT TO OUR TREMBLING HAND SNAPSNOT

LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- So we're hanging out at the press conference with VINCE VOUYER and FRANK TRIGG. Wait. We didn't give a fuck about VINCE VOUYER and FRANK TRIGG. It was that they were sitting with former heavyweight champion RICCO RODRIGUEZ. Wait. We didn't give a fuck about former heavyweight champion RICCO RODRIGUEZ. It was the three HOT ASS HOES he was sitting with. One of whom is badly pictured above. In fact the only reason we took this picture is to capture her taytays in all their glory, which was subsequently ruined by the selfish former heavyweight champion RICCO RODRIGUEZ who pulled her forward at the last second to conceal from our camera eye her big, giant taytays.

He then went on to challenge MIKE KYLE to a fight before disappearing to his room to, we hope, lay the pine to all three broads. A privilege that rightfully belonged to SKULLGAME.

AND NOW SAL'S FIGHT REPORTING WHICH, BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU ALL HAVE THE ATTENTION SPANS OF BOY-MOLESTING PRIESTS, WE'LL INTERSPERSE WITH HOT BITCH PHOTOS JUST TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION

LIGHTWEIGHTS

Genki Sudo the Neo Samurai with the record of 9-3-1 defeated Mike Brown 9-2-0 in a submission that was part arm bar part triangle and part devastating in 3:31 of the first round. After helping Brown up and having his arm raised in victory, Sudo raised a banner that included all the worlds flags and the words: We are all one, along the bottom of it. Indeed we are. Especially if by one you mean, wearing a Kabuki mask and doing the Robot dance, which he did.

Yves Edwards 23-8-1 won a three round split decision over Hermes Franca 8-2-0. In what was my opinion the best fight of the evening, this fight left me wishing there were two more rounds.

Wondering what’s next, expect to see Edwards climb in to the Octagon versus Josh Thompson next. During the post fight press conference Yves threw down the gauntlet that was promptly picked up by Thompson and elicited Edwards smiling remark, “I am going to knock that guy out.”

WELTERWEIGHT

Nick Diaz 9-2-1 did the unthinkable at UFC 47 knocking out, wait let me repeat that just in case you missed it, Knocking out Robbie Lawler 8-2-0. Not an easy feat considering Lawler is thought to be the hardest hitting Welterweight in the UFC having beaten both Chris Lytle and Tiki Ghosn who were slated to mix it up later on this evening. Cesar Gracie-trained Nick Diaz was a perfect example of nothing to lose and everything to gain, and gain he did. Originally a 3 to 1 underdog Diaz did the unexpected standing with Lawler and even taunting him throughout the fight in an attempt to, as he explained later at the post fight press conference, “get him to come at me.” And after ringing each others bells more than a few times Diaz tattooed Lawler in what can only explained as a fade way right hand punch at 1:31 of the second round.

HEAVYWEIGHTS

Jonathon Wierzorek 6-0-0 (Don’t let this record fool you) defeated the much better but less lucky Wade Shipp by referee stoppage when the prone and exhausted Shipp could no longer actively defend himself from the pitty pat punches being thrown to the back of his head. Both of these fighters suck. There I said it. It had to be said and I said it.

Mike “Mak” Kyle 11-2-0 made a very extremely impressive UFC debut versus his alternate opponent Wes “The Project” Sims. After getting caught in an arm triangle by Sims twice, Kyle chased the distracted Sims down, striking, clinching and finally knocking Sims out 1 second shy of the second round.

Now what would Las Vegas be without a little controversy?

Sims claims that he was distracted due to the fact that he was complaining about being bitten by Kyle while attempting to choke him, even going so far as to point out the very obvious teeth marks on his chest. Could Mike Kyle have bitten Sims? It’s highly unlikely due to the fact that Kyle was wearing a mouthpiece. Is this the last were going to hear about this? Not likely, according to Dana White at the post fight press conference the Las Vegas athletic commission would be investigating the incident. Viva Las Vegas!

Andrei Arlovski 8-3-0 defeats his alternate opponent Wesley “Cabbage” Correira 25-5-0 by TKO. Originally slated to fight Tim Sylvia who bombed the fuck out due to another dirty drug test, Arlovski laid so much leather on Cabbage he literally proved my theory that guys who dance… normally don’t fair well versus guys that look like they have killed for food. Arlovski TKO’s Cabbage at 1:15 of the second round literally sending him head over heels before the referee stepped in to save the day…and Cabbage, yeah he saved him too.

MAIN EVENT

Top contender Chuck Liddell 13-3-0 (in MMA) knocked out top contender Tito Ortiz 11-4-0. In a fight that truly electrified the arena in a way I have never seen before in MMA the crowds in a move reminiscent of soccer in Europe alternated between, one half of the arena chanting Tito, Tito while the other half chanted Chuck, Chuck. And the crowds would not be disappointed…well, at least half of them. While the first round was a bit of feeling each other out and checking their punching range, second was much different. Tito did exactly what he said he would do, stand in front of Chuck and trade punches and in that trade Chuck backed Tito into the cage and let loose with an overwhelming barrage of punches that left the battered and bloody Ortiz splayed out on the canvas at the 38 second mark of the second round.

SUCK AWAY! JUST NOT HERE!!!

CJ Yong had declined to acquit a man of committing "carnal intercourse against the order of nature" by having oral sex with a teenage girl, even though the sex was consensual and even despite evidence that she had been a serial fellater. "There are countries where you can go and suck away for all you are worth… People in high places do it for all they're worth. I'm not an expert, but you read about it in the papers. But this is Asia,” said Yong.

BIG TIT TEASERS #1: BIG TITS, BIG MOUTH, BIG ATTITUDE

...Equals one big ol' hard cock, one big

ol' nut, a good ol' sandwich and a nap.

202718

WHERE BEING A DIRTY FUCKING WHORE IS A GOOD THING

http://openadultdirectory.com/escorts/

A PAINFULLY PREDICTABLE CHOICE, YES WE KNOW, BUT AS HO'S GO, THIS HO GOES...LIKE A TURBO VETTE. LIKE A SKANKY TURBO VETTE, YES, BUT A TURBO VETTE NONETHELESS

This is the way it goes: first you discover porn. Then from there, on to strip clubs. Just because you don't know any better. With all of that money wasted and all of your cocks STILL unsucked, well you might as well have been dating Mormons.

Then you wise up. You discover sluts. But they keep fucking your friends, giving you VD and getting pregnant. And that sucks.

Then you arrive at CHARLIE SHEEN, who when asked why he frequented whores said "I DON'T PAY THEM TO COME OVER...I PAY THEM TO LEAVE."

And so there it is. Even though more often than not they do what THEY want and not necessarily what YOU want (for this you need a pornSTAR), whores are great. Fuck them. We do.

ASIAN DOLLS UNCUT #18

In-X-Cess

Rating: TWO “Shut Your Goddamned Pie Hole" BUSTED NUTS

Man. Back in the day we used to dig on DON FERNANDO. Not in any GAY way. But we used to dig on him. Because we’re fucking old school we remember him from when he couldn’t even speak fucking English. We grew up to him fucking CHRISTY CANYON et al and it’s not like we thought about him a lot since like 1987 or something but seeing him here in ASIAN DOLLS UNCUT #18 we’re transported in time and reminded of the late ‘80s—TRACI LORDS, WINGER, and RONALD REAGAN—our wasted youth, and the fact that while we’ve aged like fucking Dorian Gray, Don Fernando has not fared quite so well.

Consider this: while I LOVE videos with Asian broads fucking and sucking, the overwhelmingly disturbing site of Don sporting fucking Teva sandals, a bald spot, lapping up his own jiz, and chattering about “you remember my movies?” is just sausage softening.

And that seems to be the point: we dug Don for being self-effacing, which is the number one required quality in a male porn star. That is, his ability to NOT make us notice him. Don of Today, in a vain attempt at grasping some lasting sort of significance before he shuffles off of this mortal coil, spends way too much time talking. And here specifically about DON.

Well, we never thought we’d say this but CAN THE FUCKING REBOP, DON.

Just shut the fuck up so we can do what we came here for and that is to jerk off to The Fucked Woman.

Which we do with glee as soon as Don steps out of frame like he does when Vietnamese chicks HEVYN LI and NINA LE fuck the shit out of each other with dildos. Generally I’m bored witless by girl-girl scenes but whether or not I was just thankful to not have to watch a balding middle-aged man lap up his own semen or that these fucking 19 year olds jumped into the spirit of fuck worthy of women twice their age, I don’t know.

And so the question is: Do we punish the HOT BITCHES for fucking the ragged OLD MAN by slamming this vid as being beyond redemption? Do we make these sexy sloe-eyed sluts suffer for the senior citizen in their midst? Do we? DO WE?!?!?

Nahhh....They've suffered enough.—VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/106191.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

DOWN THE HATCH #12

Diabolic Digital

Rating: FOUR “You Missed A Drop" BUSTED NUTS

It’s about Rabbits right? RIGHT?!?

WRONG!

This movie comes with its own disclaimer, and I quote

“Warning: This movie contains CUM EATING! If watching adorable young ladies consume shot after shot of hot spooge is offensive to you than DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!”

And if it offends you, you should put on a dress too, yeah you should probably put on a dress.

With 33 swallowed loads (yes, I counted them), this movie comes very close to exhibiting the true VIRTUES OF NEGATIVE FASCINATION. Starring six of the nastiest cum drinkers in Chatsworth, CA on February 20th, 2004, this romantic tour de force will literally set your life on its ear. You better spit in your fist and grab a paper-towel, cause if you put this DVD in...you...will be jacking.

Starring load fiends SCARLETT O'WHORA (Best Porn name EVER), GISELLE COLLINS and JAMIE BROOKS, Diabolic proves once again that try as they may they cannot make a bad gonzo movie.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/205046.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

MONICA'S SEX CRIMES

Cherry Boxxx Pictures

Rating: THREE "Good Alone. Or With Friends" BUSTED NUTS

As a woman I know what it's like?

What?

What! MONICA that's what. She and all her friends really hook it up for these not so angelic men, the boss’ men. Sucking and FUCKING, these are some of my favorite things. Reminds me of an experience I had recently. Ah, the memories. But I digress. The boys, they are grateful too, and eager to get their hands all over their favor. They exhibit a “can do” attitude, and the girls are willing as hell to reward these HARD working men.

MONICA FLOWING THE FELONY OF FUCKING FELLATIO

Watching this movie could have been a movie all unto itself though. My friend Will came over. I said to him, you get “10 minutes alone with the porn or at least until I get out of the shower, and I shower quick.”

He grabbed at his crotch while I got Monica Mayhem going on the DVD player. The intro credits started rolling and he started jerking.

“You better go now or you’re gonna see something that you haven't yet seen.”

"Your cock?"

"My cock...in YOUR mouth."

He undid his pants.

This must say it all. Just about. With a friend or alone, this movie will make you hot, and wishing to receive a favor of your own. I ask myself this: who really got the favor, the dicks or the chicks?--EPONINE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/201164.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JEWEL DE’NYLE’S PORNSTAR IDOL

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "What Do You Mean I'm Not GOOD Enough To Be A Professional Slut? Wahhhh..." BUSTED NUTS

Now at CASA SKULL there’s probably a lot of stuff that you could imagine us doing. Some of it even legal. Stuff like screaming at the neighbors to shut the fuck up when they complain about the music. Stuff like locking shrieking sluts OUT of the compound. Stuff like selling, buying or using meth. Wait. That’s not legal. No matter. The point is we do all kinds of shit over here.

But one thing you will NEVER catch any of us doing, that is anyone of us who is a heterosexual, is watching shit like AMERICAN IDOL. In fact our earnestly held belief is that no one who is not fond of the business end of a cock ever even bothers with shit like that.

TO ALL PRISONERS: MUCH BETTER TO IMAGINE THIS THAN ALL THE VERY REAL MAN ASS YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF MUNCHING AFTER LIGHTS OUT

Which is why this vid, which we are led to believe adheres pretty close to the real show’s parameters—contestants competing in this instance for chances at being pornstars--is such a fucking shocking departure: this is probably one of the coolest vids that we’ve seen this whole fucking month.

For exactly the following five reasons:

1) JEWEL DE’NYLE saying to one of the losers “You should just stick to eating bugs. Or whatever it is you do.”

2) RON JEREMY keeping his clothes on AND saying in an attempt to cheer up a hapless non-performing performer

“A lot of guys in porn are not big. I don’t want to mention any names like ALEX SANDERS, RANDY WEST, ED POWERS because I don’t want to hurt any feelings but….”

3) For the dude who when he lost started crying and trying to argue his way back into the WIN column.

4) The hot bitch schoolteacher who sucks, fucks and takes a giant load on the chin all, we imagine, for the sake of the KIDS, and finally

5) For the 61 year old wanna-be German porn dude who is an inspiration to us all.

Total fucking GENIUS. I fast forwarded through exactly NONE of this. Fucking captivating.—VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/138711.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

AN INTERNATIONAL OUTRAGE!!! BOMB IN 10 MINUTES

Prostitutes are charging NATO troops dispatched to this Baltic state more than three times as much money as Lithuanian clients, police said Thursday. In recent days, prostitutes have been arriving in the city of Siauliai, where 100 NATO soldiers are stationed, part of a team to service four Belgian F-16s that patrol the skies above Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia, Police Commissioner General Vytautas Grigaravicius told reporters.

THE SKULLGAME ALL-JEW ISSUE WHERE WE CELEBRATE PASSOVER WITH OUR SHABBAS SKAG DEALER, SLUTS, TORI SPELLING, AND THE GUN OF PEACE

EVEN THOUGH GOD WANTED US ALL HUDDLED INSIDE IN THE DARK AND SHIT, OUR DRUG DEALER BROUGHT US SPEEDBALLS ENSCONCED IN THIS FESTIVE HOLIDAY WRAPPING.

At MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME we'd like to take a few minutes to don our gay apparel and get all jewed out for this holiest of high holy days: Passover, which tells the story of the Jews glorious escape from servitude into 5000 years of mind-numbing misery. Misery enough to cause the average Jew to question whether being a chosen person isn't some kind of goddamned joke. And so it is that we gather around the, uh, yule log, or whatever, and sing the songs passed down by our ancestors, whose words echo through our night of remembering of songs that no one could forget like

See? Wasn't that great? L'shana haba'a b'Yerushalyim!!!

CRAZY ASS BITCH TORI SPELLING: JEW OR NOT A JEW?

IF I'M NOT A JEW THEN A MONKEY HAS NO BALLS!!!

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- TORI SPELLING was bounced out of a bar this week after a Passover celebration went a little awry. Spelling, whose father is richer than G-D, whose father is so much richer than G-D that he violated the laws of Thermodynamics by creating the reasonable facsimile of talent for her was, while celebrating their collective passage out of the land of the oppressors, knocking glasses, candles and shaker tins off the bar, while throwing tater tots at other patrons.

WOO HOO!!! TATER TOTS FOR ALL MY FUCKING FRIENDS!!! AND HAPPY PASSOVER!!! WOO HOO!!!

Spelling, who was obviously COURTNEY LOVE-drunk when she showed up at Daddy-O on Bedford Street with fiance Charlie Shanian and a female "friend" at about 1 a.m., left the martini bar when the bartender, who could piss no more in her drinks, asked her to. But instead of hailing a cab, Spelling took off a high heel and started banging it on the watering hole's window. She finally left after the bartender went outside with a stick and told her to take it on the arches otherwise she was due to catch a beating.

JESSICA DARLIN: JEW OR NOT A JEW?

NOW ALL I GOTTA DO IS FIND THE OTHER CAN ON THE STRING

A self-described Queen of Anal, JESSICA DARLIN had one of the all-time greatest lines when she acknowledged that her coronation as said Queen was forthcoming, "yes. Yes, there's going to be a ceremony." And in a bleary bevy of buttly film work for everybody from JULES JORDAN to, oh, whoever, she continues to thrill us, as much for being a Jew as for being a hot, fucking bitch. CORNHOLIO corralled her into an interview.

SKULLGAME: Hey baby....you fuck like your ass is on fire?

JESSICA DARLIN: Thank you. I think.

SG: Don't thank me, bitch. Thank your Mama. So how much they paying you per scene these days?

JD: Well, that's kind of personal...

SG: Yes, yes. I understand, baby. Well, whatever they're paying you these days we could double. You come work for me we'll get you 2 every single time.

A SOCIAL ACTIVIST, JESSICA IS RENOWNED FOR HER CHARITY WORK

JD: Thousand?!?!

SG: Tens. Shit. Thousand? What the fuck YOU been smoking? Cuz that's out now. My girls are all clean as they gotta be on the job. You know? Otherwise I'll be wacking a'wack tack tack on that ass, Ike Turner style. Dig?

JD: Great. Who'd you say you wrote for again?

SG: Black Tail magazine, baby.

LUKE FORD'S SCOTT FAYNER: JEW OR NOT A JEW?

FAYNER VALIANTLY GUARDS HIS 40 AGAINST SOME MARAUDING SLUTS

Luke Ford's SCOTT FAYNER, recently divorced from porn star TAYLOR RAIN (we at SkullGame are personally shocked, we say shocked, to NOT see these two grow old together) is a Jew. His extremely generous offers to help us find drugs, find a place to do the drugs and then do the drugs with us can't be ignored. Fayner's a fucking Future Hall of Famer. And a Jew.

TAYLOR RAIN, HOWEVER, IS NOT. MAKE OF THIS WHAT YOU WOULD.

YESTERDAY I WAS 17

Red Light District

Rating: TWO "Wasn't It Great? Actually, No It Wasn't" BUSTED NUTS

Let's see, yesterday I was…. Yes, still 33. Yes, it’s a genius move, having chicks fuck for the first time on film introducing themselves by showing their ID proving their ages and proving beyond any shadow of a doubt that they were in fact 17 the day prior to their respective shoots.

But being once 18 and knowing what it's like to fuck 18 year olds, it always sort of sounds more titillating then it, in fact, is. You see, 18 year olds fuck like…well like they are 18. How familiar can they possibly be with the equipment?

Seriously think about it.

Shot completely in Brazil and featuring BIANCA BIAGGI, the girls are truly beautiful and from what I am told about Brazilian girls I know that if not for the cameras these girls would burn the skin off your dick. But sadly this is a movie with no room for what-ifs. While we're frantically punching at our cocks, I'm sure none of us got time to really spend the time waiting for these girls to be eased into their expected and respective job descriptions of WHORE.

But if you are into the whole being raised Catholic, what if the Pope knew I was taking it in the ass sort of looks on these chick’s faces. If you're into trying to walk in the shoes of an 18 year old again. Or if you're so hung up on young gash that you give not a fuck if they can fuck, then this vid is for YOU.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202023.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

CHRISTOPH’S BEAUTIFUL GIRLS #14

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR “Je Suis Un Slut Fille" BUSTED NUTS

QUESTION: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
ANSWER: This is not known.

Hey, you motherfuckers get offa the French. I love them little froggy sonsabitches. Love the food, the wine and even more than their broads’ dark-eyed Gallic fucking felineness I love the fact that they can say shit like this with a fucking straight face:

“These are not the kind of girls you get in the discothèque!”

“You have a beautiful po po, no?”

To candy cunt CINDY LORDS in the midst of her ecstasy-riddled double plugging “Hey? You like sex, right? OK. Well, uh, enjoy yourself.

And finally apropos of nothing in particular, “YOU’RE A SUPERSTAR!”

Not quite as genius as surrendering in record time to the Wehrmacht. Or dragging us into Indochina. Or giving us the Statue of Liberty. But close. Fucking close.

So it is that Frenchman Christoph Clark’s BEAUTIFUL GIRLS #14’s Parisian parade of poon reminds us of exactly why we both love and hate beautiful girls. Love them because it’s always great seeing someone who thinks they deserve better take a face full of spooge. Hate them because thinking they deserve better makes them think they’re doing you a favor by taking a face full of spooge.

Actually it IS kind of a favor. (And one that we’d wish was granted a bit more fucking often here in the goddamned Land of the Free.) But so the fuck what?

But where was I? Oh yeah...VIVA LA FRANCE!!!--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/204022.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

YOUNG, FRESH AND RIPE

Video Team

Rating: 2.5 “It's Gotta Be The Rack" BUSTED NUTS

Today’s Skullgame.com insight on the inner workings of the male mind:

"Man, that chick gave me her number. I’d love to fuck her. She’s got an AMAZING rack. That’s worth 100 points, easy. On the other hand, she’s a total bitch. Also, she’s liable to make off with my silverware. So, minus 70 points on that. But, that still leaves THIRTY POINTS! Woohoo!"

The YOUNG, FRESH AND RIPE is a lot like the scenario described above. It’s got some questionable parts, like cover girlKINA KAI looking like something that's going to get us arrested (-1 BUSTED NUT), and another girl, TALITA DEL RIO, who’s frankly a lot too mannish for comfort (-1 BUSTED NUT).

But the rack, and the rack alone, of SATIVA ROSE makes the DVD worthwhile. And what a rack. This could be the finest pair of natural breasts we’ve ever seen. Like EVER. And it’s only because of the director’s dumb-fuckery that we remove yet another 0.5 BUSTED NUT for not recognizing the mother lode of El Dorado-ic proportions at his disposal, and filming most of the scene with ROSE on her back, or worse yet, facing away from the camera.

But you’re still left with TWO POINT FIVE BUSTED NUTS!

...woohoo?--STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202602.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

1 IN THE PINK 1 IN THE STINK #3

Red Light District

Rating: TWO “Shut UP!!! Shut The Fuck Upppp!!!" BUSTED NUTS

Starring, um KEIKO (Not Japanese. No. Not Japanese at all) SABINA, TRACY TRIXXX and LENA JOLLIETT, 1 IN THE PINK 1 IN THE STINK is a pretty catchy fucking title.

However, while it’s a catchy title, and that does count for a lot, you don’t have to beat me over the head with it. Please. Please. Please, enough with the 1 IN THE PINK 1 IN THE STINK schtick. I got it the first four fucking times, IN THE FIRST SCENE!

Robbie Fischer...seriously… Bob.

And while the girls got that "just did a hit of Meth look", a look I am actually quite fond of, I had to literally hit the mute on this one, possibly missing, who knows? Perhaps some invaluable bits of amphetamine-induced wisdom like "Toasters would work much better if they had engines!" Who knows?

I mean I really would liked to have watched this movie the way God had intended me to watch it: with the sound turned up. While sitting naked on my couch. While holding a Bowie knife. But sadly, it was not meant to be.

Yes. It's true. Double Penetration definitely meets the requisite level and exhibits all of the attributes of THE VIRTUES OF NEGATIVE FASCINATION, and under any other circumstances this coupled with the blank stares and the fucked-up teeth of the slobs in this movie would have gotten it an unequivocal 5 BUSTED NUTS. However, I cannot in good conscience give this one the thumbs up without the caveat: Turn the mute on before you start this movie.

So, if you are into having someone remind you over and over again what’s plainly obvious or you’re the type of guy who listens to baseball on the radio this might be the movie for you. However, if you’re the guy who gets easily annoyed at having things jammed down your throat or the kind of guy who likes to watch porno sitting on the couch holding a Bowie knife, this one might NOT be for you.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/204100.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S PHOTO-SOCIOLOGICAL EXAMINATION OF WHY THERE IS NO FUCKING PRACTICAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CUMSHOT, BRITNEY SPEARS, AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE GODDAMNED WORLD UP TO AND INCLUDING THE PARIS HILTON VIDEO

BUT FIRST, A COMPLAINT OVER OUR RAPING OF THE CORPSE OF HERVE VILLECHAIZE; "I WISH YOU ILL SKULLGAME," SAYS IRATE GARY COLEMAN.

"BITCHES ARE JUST LIKE BAD JOKES FOR ME, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. I GOT A MILLION OF THEM."

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- In a surprise move today former child star and recent gubernatorial candidate GARY COLEMAN lashed out at media pundits at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME in a letter sent via attorney that expressed anger for the cavalier treatment of the late HERVE VILLECHAIZE.

"HERVE VILLECHAIZE was a giant among mites. His balls were like unto boulders and you'd break your necks if you were to fall off of even just one of them. So as executor of his estate I'm demanding that you cease and desist your for profit ventures involving his image and likeness, you fucking nut jumpers you."

A PHOTO-SOCIOLOGICAL EXAMINATION OF HOW FAT A BUNCH OF FAT WHORES HAVE GOTTEN

In a phenomena that could only be described as "totally fucking predictable ...from like a scientific view point and all," SkullGame researcher MIKE GOLDEN discovered that "FAT WHORES start to look like other FAT WHORES and the totality of their FAT WHOREDNESS is so complete that before you know it the entire world looks like a FAT WHORE. It is a sociological disgrace."

"Look at the facts. KIRSTIE ALLEY, the former sexy sitcom siren?

THE ONE WITH CHEESE, GODDAMN IT! I SAID CHEESE!!!

Starts to look strangely like ANNA NICOLE SMITH.

BLIND STALKERS? WHO KNEW?

Who then suddenly starts to look like COURTNEY LOVE.

"SNHSL. STTUF. MUFFINS. KIRSFIN. GOCHOA. HAHAHAHA..."

While COURTNEY LOVE looks eerily like HOUSTON

AGGGGAGGAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

who reminds us that between

PARIS HILTON,

DESPITE THE SURFBOARDS, WE'RE QUITE CLEAR THIS PARTY WILL SOON BE SPORTING A RAILROAD MOTIF

BRITNEY SPEARS,

OOPS. I WILL SOON DO IT AGAIN. ESPECIALLY IF BY IT YOU MEAN MARBLE CAKE

AND A CUMSHOT,

I AM A CUMSHOT. AND I VOTE!!!

"There is also like one degree of separation and that we are on a collision course toward having everything on Earth compacting into everything else in a colossal and never-ending ball of shit," said Golden.

CORNHOLIO'S COMEDY CORNER

He made us write that. And he's making us publish this as well. And if he were standing there with you, he'd be making you laugh at it too. Just...don't make...any sudden moves.

MY JOKE TO FUCK WITH ALL Y'ALLS HEADS

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

HO HO HO...WE ONLY WISH

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either

COURTNEY SHOCKER: "I'M ON DRUGS!!!"

Officer Scott Blackman said Love had symptoms of intoxication that included "slow, slick, slurred speech and mucous around both nostrils," when arrested last October. Love's pupils were also dilated to 8 millimeters, nearly double the average size, Blackman said, and her pulse was 126 beats per minute, much faster than normal. "She was off-balance. She couldn't stand on her own," Blackman said. "She had to lean on the police car. Is anyone, anyone out there surprised at ALL?"

DAYTON'S LATE NIGHT

Cherry Boxxx Pictures

Rating: FOUR “Dayton Has Sex With Everyone Except The Guys" BUSTED NUTS

My name is Stephanie and this is my first review. Oh, and I live in ITALIAN SAL'S closet.

Why?

Because I'm too good for the bathroom that's why.

Anyway, Dayton interviews beautiful girls and guys by asking them some questions and then has them take off their clothes to see their hot bodies. Each scene quickly degenerates into out and out debauchery. And that's nice. Especially when you're in a closet.

Three scenes are with Dayton doing girl/girl scenes with ALEXIS MALONE, JEZEBELLE BOND, and Aria. Lots of pussy licking and strap-on fucking with this girl-on-girl action.

The other three scenes are boy/girl with your exotic nurse Rose helping Doctor CHEYNE COLLINS “feel no pain” with cock sucking and fucking on the examination table. You also have longhaired beauty Domino who likes to take it hard in her pussy by Sergio and suck cock until she gets that milky cum all over her face and in her mouth. In the last scene boy-girl scene you have BIANCA PUREHEART who lets you know exactly how she is feeling in the barroom bathroom with her screaming and moaning from the fucking adminstered by athletic John West in his fucking of her hot wet pussy.

Anyway, this is the second Cherry Boxxx movie that I have seen and so far I am glad I saw it. Living in a closet like I do I'm actually glad to see anything but this was good. Pussy licking good.--STEPHANIE TINA

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202001.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NASTY NYMPHOS #25

Anabolic Digital

Rating: FIVE “Is There Any Way To Give a 6?" BUSTED NUTS

What will probably catch your eye before you even pop this little gem in your DVD player is BOBBIE smiling coyly from the box cover bringing back every memory and/or wet dream you ever had in college of every girl in college who came by your room just to "you know, visit".

Sitting there, watching, wanting, smiling and fully dressed with a look that truly belies her truly whorishness nature, this cunt is a real wildcat. And even though her scene is the last one on this DVD (it’s not the only good one on it, BTW), it’s definitely one that more than makes up for the price of admission. I actually feel that this particular scene was strategically placed at the end of this DVD in an effort to get you to watch and enjoy the entire thing.

HELLO COCK, MY NAME IS ASPEN.

I mean there is noooooooooo way that you can call Bobbie one of those cynical industry sluts of yore. Nope. She is the NEW breed of slut. The slut who fucks cuz she likes to fuck and I can tell, partly because I have been with so many women who hate to fuck, but that’s neither here nor there. You should watch this DVD from groove to groove, it took me no less than five sittings to get through the whole thing, you know… because I kind of ah…lost interest, and, you know…couldn’t get interested for awhile… but when I did, well, I actually watched it again.

Starring Bobbie, CINNABUNZ, ASPEN BROCK, ANDREA LOVEJOY, VICTORIA HILL and some other fine ass slobs this one is one for the record books and really makes me rethink every FIVE I have ever given out.--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/204040.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

NASTY NYMPHOS #23

Anabolic Digital

Rating: THREE “Whatever." BUSTED NUTS

(READER'S NOTE: Reviewing porn is no fucking walk in the park. The casualty rate is quite high. Forty fucking videos and even the best man starts to break down and show signs of burnout: fatigue, listlessness, wild, knife-stabbing behaviors. We aggressively combat this by matching personality types to video types and thus it has emerged that NICKY BALLS must review lesbo porn or he's going to yank his eyes out. This is his next-to-last non-lesbo review and we hope his eyes make it through MANDINGO #8.)

Sigh.

The box reads: “2 HOURS [and] 20 MINUTES OF CUNT STRETCHING[,] SPERM SLURPING SEX!!”

Well, yes and no.

There is a lot of sperm slurping, but none of the cocks, not to be too fucking nitpicky, (save for perhaps LEXINGTON STEELE's) really are of the cunt stretching size (see anything with MANDINGO to get the correct answer to that question) but, well, yeah, there certainly is a lot of fucking going on here.

Yup.

A whole lot of fucking. Some good. Some just okay. Some even worth talking about.

OK. The always fetching HEAVEN LEIGH, her matching twin nipple rings and divine skin take on VINCE VOUYER (yup, that’s how he spells it), who leaves his hand prints deeply embedded in her ass. She manages to keep her composure, have a seemingly decent ride and look amused concurrently.

Great.

YEAH, YEAH, SO SHE'S HOT, SO THE FUCK WHAT?

A couple of other cuties, Mercedesz (going under the name Jennifer aka Jenny),
the spelling obviously explaining her impenetrable accent, and hot pepper Salacity (apparently making her video debut), both get double-fucked in two
separate scenes. I would have rather watched the two girls double fuck each other, but one can’t have everything.

No. One cannot.

Oh. What's this? Salacity even managed to keep a smile on her face for her entire scene. At least someone can.

But heyyyy, a rather funny moment does come when the nicely lipped
TERI STARR is discussing strap-on’s with an unseen
voice (probably the director’s), who then begins to list off the names of porn actors she knows who liked getting fucked with one. Wish there was more of that.

Yeah. A LOT more of that.

Anyways, she does wonderfully with a sub par male lead (Michael J. Cox, very inappropriately named), far outshining the minimum she has been given to work with. Way to go Terri! She would have been better matched with Mr.
Lexington Steele, but alas...no.

So on a final fucking note, as a special bonus, the DVD package comes with a half-size poster of Terri Starr sticking her tongue in Michael J. Cox’s ass. I hope to GOD, Ms. Starr is getting royalties for this one. Lots of them.

Jesus.--MR. NICKY BALLS

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/201129.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

K-POP

Digital Team

Rating: 3.5 “Oh, So Weary" BUSTED NUTS

The whole “K” angle in the K-POP video, much to Vinnie's disappointment has nothing to do with drugs, and everything to do with the fact that the girls are Korean. Let us add a “somewhat” to that. Like, cover girl MILA YUNG and SHAI LEE look the part, but TAMI LYNN may be a stretch as a Korean. And who knew CRIS TALIANA was half?

Speaking of Taliana, she has the un-distinction of receiving the inaugural SKULLGAME “FEMALE DICK DELAWARE” award for inane babble, rag-bag conversation and puerile bits of information giving. Dishonorable mention goes to K-POP director David Aaron Clark, whose editing skills seem to suddenly vanish when he’s shooting Taliana. Case in point to end all points: just when we think the fucking gets going (again), we have to endure a vapid, five minute cell phone conversation between Taliana and some friend of hers.

Reality porn? Bah.

The good news is that all that is at the end of the video. The beginning is where it’s at, with Mila Yung, who happens to be in two scenes, if you get the DVD. In fact, the second, bonus scene is the best of the video, where Yung plays a chick on the street who gets into a limo with someone who tells her he’s a rap star, and then allegedly fucks her in the ass for the first time. (Happens all the time!)

But I have a question: is it some sort of "artistic" "expression" to have the Shai Lee, a.k.a. MARGARET CHO looking like she just woke up, appearing at random points in the movie to work herself up to tell us, in no uncertain terms, that which sounds like the functional equivalent of “muuuuhhhhh”?

Yes? No? Maybe?

Hmmm. Well at least the good news is that they even cleaned her up a bit for her scene, which is not half bad at all. It's almost half good, even.

But get the DVD for Mila Yung. It’s worth it. – STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/203015.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKULLGAME'S BEYOND THE GODDAMNED BOUNDS OF TOTAL INCREDULITY ISSUE: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!

The men and women who bring you SKULLGAME are well aware that you all think we lie like fucking rugs but here let it be known, beyond any reasonable shadow of a doubt that even when we lie we tell the truth and so it is that we bring you an issue of totally trembling, shrieking and slappingly gay outrage. Over just about every goddamned thing you could possibly imagine.

TATTOO SAYS FUCK YOU! FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

FUCK YOU

TINY TOWN (SkullGame) -- "You t'ink ze joke, she's funny? You ever have to make ze crap in a flowerpot?" said irate midget man HERVE VILLECHAIZE. "Or peez in ze dixie cup...because you were afraid of the toilet and the watery death that awaited you there? This midget or monkey in a tuxedo shit is not ze laugh funny t'ing. I'll see you in hell, Paul Bunyan. Zat's ze garontee."

TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE STILL NOT GAY

HEYYY....NO!!! I'M NOT FUCKING GAY. NOOO...NOPE. NO SIRREEE...NOT GAY AT ALL. HAPPY BUT DEFINITELY NOT FUCKING REALLY GAY. REALLY.

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Holocaust Denier and Actress PENELOPE CRUZ is still reeling from her recent dum-dum-dum-dum-dum dump by Mr. TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE. FlatEarth society member Cruz, however, is optimistic about life without the handsome actor by her side, and insists it's in her nature to focus on future challenges rather than dwell on her failed romances.

...WHICH IS PRECISELY WHY I DUMPED, UH, HER. YEAH. PRECISELY.

"This is a new time for me....branching out beyond the haunts that we shared....in Mykonos. Key West. San Francisco. West Hollywood. The West Village," explained the Creationist Cruz. Currently in Morocco filming upcoming movie "Sahara," while Cruise has moved to London, Cruz explains, "This is a time for maturity mixed with fresh and exciting things. Like being able to fuck and not have to lie on my stomach while being called 'Bob.'"

AGE OF CONSENT FOR GAY SEX RECENTLY LOWERED IN LONDON

YOUNG MEN!!! IF YOU EVER FEEL DOWN!!! I SAID YOUNG MEN PICK YOURSELF OFF THE GROUND!!! AND SUPPORT NON-AGE BIASED BUGGERY!!!

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Led by the Tory Peer Lady Young, the Lords fought tooth and nail not to lower the age of consent for gay men from 18 to 16, having voted it down twice (in July 1998 and April 1999) before the government used the Parliament Acts to just RAM it through in November 2000. In all, the process took nearly three years - and it was only the second time in a decade that the parliament acts had been invoked.

I USED TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!! SEE?!?! SEE?!? I MEAN HOW GAY IS THAT?!?!

"It's just a TOTAL fucking coincidence that I'm here now," said a clearly agitated TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE.

COURTNEY LOVE IRATE: "I'M CLEAN AND SOBER!!!"

LOVE WITH COURT APPOINTED DRUG TESTER

THE PLANETARY SURFACE OF MARS (SkullGame) -- Millionaire murderess COURTNEY LOVE has, in some vain and cynical attempt to reestablish "street cred," slammed recent reports stating that she was wacked out of her fucking gourd on Viks, Reds, CrossTops, K and Fentanyl, and only has one week left to live.

She says, "I read in People magazine -- and this was a friend of mine who wrote this -- that I had a week to live. I'm healthy as a horse. A horse with purple flames. And I'm gonna live to be 140. I'm not on drugs, which everybody knows, that knows me. So now I'm 'crazy.' Now I'm 'addicted' to 'drugs' and I have a week to live."

"Look when a social worker comes to my doorstep for no reason, of course I'm gonna get furious and say, 'Oh yeah, the crack pipes are over by the steak knives,' and then they took it seriously."

IMAGINE THAT....

LOVE BREAST SUCKER VOWING TO MILK THE MOMENT

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Kofi Asare (above) is the talk of the town after his quick sip of rocker Courtney Love's tit turned him into a cause celebre for guys who hang around waiting to get assaulted by wasted rich broads. After appearing in The New York Post and on the Howard Stern Show, Asare, now known as Love's "milkman," wants everyone to know that he's a rapper working on a new CD too. The disc is to be titled either "Milk Money" or "All I Wanted Was Some Chicken Nuggets." Other possible titles include "Now I Got Hep C" and "I Am So Deeply Ashamed of Myself."

Rapper wannabe Asare can be contacted at niggaplease@skullgame.com.

CRYBABY FUCKING LETTERS FROM BIZNATCHES

WHAT BECOMES AN AMERICAN LEGEND MOST? $87 BILLION, TWO TITS, A SMILE, AND ALL THE DEMEROL YOU CAN SLAM

In a past issue of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME we singled out JESSICA LYNCH for a salute befitting an American Hero and skag, and were taken to task by reader ANGELO R. IANNOPOLLO JR. of Rochester, NY, who said

Leave her alone, its funny to joke about something when you have no idea how much pain she went through! Physically and mentally!

To which we respond:

YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!!?

OH GOD, MOM, NO!!! NO!!! NOOOOOO....

A Pennsylvania mom is going to jail for allegedly stripping at her teenage son's birthday party. Prosecutors charged that 35-year-old Patricia Johnson provided the entertainment when plans to ride go-carts fizzled. On Thursday, a judge sentenced Johnson to serve three to 15 months in jail. Authorities say Johnson bought beer for her son and three friends and licked their faces while she did her striptease act. Johnson says her unusual behavior was fueled by pills and alcohol.

DOUBLE STUFFED #2

Two poles, two holes: a match made

in sausage stuffing Heaven.

201689

IT'S TIME....TO TALK. ABOUT, YOU KNOW, THINGS...

Yo Vinnie,
I've suddenly found myself in serious discussions about the seriousness of my now suddenly serious relationship. However the only thing I can think seriously about is a threesome with my girl and her friend Nancy. But between these serious discussions there doesn't seem to be an opening for me to bring this up again. Suggestions?--R.E. (by email)

A WORTHWHILE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION: HOW MUCH WOOD COULD CHUCK'S BROAD CHUCK IF CHUCK'S BROAD WAS SUCKING CHUCK?

Dear Raid on Entebbe: Listen, men and women are the same. And there's this inevitable point in the relationship when familiarity will begin breeding contempt and to stave off the inevitable slide into hallway sex (where you walk by each other in the hall and say "fuck YOU") we both take action in our own separate but equal gender specific ways. She believes getting married will be the key to solving the problem of having no ice water in hell. You believe it'll be when she's stacked on top of Nancy and you're pole vaulting from hole to hole.

Who's right?

You are, my friend. You are.

We've told you. Now you tell her.

BIG TIT TEASERS #1: BIG TITS, BIG MOUTH, BIG ATTITUDE

Pleasure

Rating: FIVE “Olivia's In This Vid That's Why" BUSTED NUTS

Man. So there I was. I did a bump of K and was stumbling around like I was in the grips of some sort of fucking muscular dystrophia. Because that's always what you want to do when you're totally high. You want to do that which you cannot, should not, or probably would not, under other circumstances, do.

Hence the desire to operate an oil tanker, a bus, or a commercial airliner totally fucking hammergasted. It just seems to make sense. So OLIVIA says to me, "what I really want right now...."

Cock?
My Cock?

"...Is a popsicle." And so out of the bed I go and down the stairs that are spinning like a fucking funhouse spiral. I make it to the freezer, make it back up the stairs and she's looking so nice all arched back on the bed and pussy spread, I figure there'll be time enough for frozen juice.

WILL HAAGEN DAS DO YOU DARLING?

So the K is kicking and I'm undecided: ride it out or ride on it.

Fuck it. I jump face first into that pussy and it's heaven and it's heaving and she's moaning and I'm not breathing anything but pussy, pussy, pussy and it's great and I grab my cock and am about to stick it where it'll do the most good and...and....and, and then I pass out.

Pass the fuck out. Face forward. In her pussy.

Yeah. That was great.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202718.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

OIL UP AND FUCK

Red Light District

Rating: TWO “I'm David Luger. And I'm A Crapaholic" BUSTED NUTS

OK. OK. David Luger goes on vacation to South America and all we get is this lousy video. Complete with its 25 completely appropriate but stunningly outdated SIR MIXALOT references. Jesus, I must have said something crude about Vinnie’s Sicilian grandmother or something, because I am definitely being punished with this one.

Look, it's not that butt obsessions or South America are bad things, mind you. It’s just that this vid is just entirely too much LUGER. Way too much Luger and his constant and heavy fucking breathing, his repeated intonations of the magical, mystical “yeah, baby” and his stultifying re-use of the word “ass.”

Either direct or fuck but don't fucking direct. Not like this.

So on to the MUTE button we jumped. And there it was, in essence: asses waving in the air like they just don't care, cocks being sucked, nice looking ladies. All of it working the way it should be working once we disconnect the idiot audio.

Until we notice Luger's total absence of camera technique. It seems to be fused to his right arm, so good luck getting any interesting camera angles out of this one. But that's not the point really. Despite Luger's grossly inept attempt at directing, this is ALL not the point really.

The point is, with the sound muted, the ham-handed camera angling ignored, and this video chopped into just a tunnel focus on the men and women who fuck in it, is it worth a damn? Especially if by "damn" you mean it's ability to make YOU want to fuck. Well yes.

And sewer rat might taste like pumpkin pie if you try hard enough to imagine it so. So if you're a stone cold ass freak, yes, yes, yes THIS VID IS FOR YOU!!!! If you can take or leave an ass, then none of the rest of this is gonna help you get by this vid's Luger overload.

Oh yeah, and Vinnie, tell your mamma I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.--DEAD GIRL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/138111.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SANTERIA

Digital Team

Rating: FOUR “We Put The Doo In Voodoo" BUSTED NUTS

Ahh, Santeria.

A mysterious religion that blends ancient African juju with catholicism and Native American shamanism. Santeria, the religion in which you never have to ask "What's to eat?" when the ritual is over, and where you can tell a town under its arcane spell by walking its streets at dawn. That rooster that ISN'T crowing? Probably last night's offering/nosh. The title sets the mind reeling with scenes of the high priestess of regla de ocha dancing frenetically in a trance, cockerel blood flying all over the place, with the beat of the drums...

So this is a movie about bizarre ritual sex practices? Ah, no.

It's about transcultural sexual patois? No, not really.

What this film is, really, is an entry-level primer into control fetish sex. And if you think that sounds bad, then you're going to find yourself surprised that you were so wrong. Despite the rather tame vanilla-flavor fucking and the at times laughable fetish behavior, this is a pretty hot flick.

I viewed it in segments, as is my habit, in the company of one or more female companions. I hit slippery pay dirt no fewer than FOUR out of four times with this peculiar little disc. And I don't usually hang onto these "girl friendly" titles, but I'm going to make an exception in this case.

Supposedly there is some sort of script being followed here, with a plot and dialogue and so forth. This all would have worked better if someone had POINTED THE FUCKING MIC AT THE ACTORS! The mumbling in this flick is matched only by the (at times, apparently intentional) blurry/shaky camera work. But more importantly, even if the cinematography had been nonpareil and the sound digital dolby, it wouldn't mave made any difference because on no occasion did I make it more than 10 minutes into run time before I had either

1) tits in my face,
2) an open mouth in my lap, or,
3) on one memorable occasion BOTH.

I wouldn't have been able to follow a plot anyway.

The sex in this film was, for the most part, totally believable. It looked like people really having sex, unlike most films where the people are obviously pros who would rather be on the golf course or scoring some meth. These people look horny and the sex they are having looks like they would be doing it even if the camera stopped rolling. Very little eye contact with the camera--the bane of my existence--and a couple of places where I was able to forget that this is just a porno movie. THAT's the real voodoo, if you ask me.--THE DOCTOR

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/200205.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ANAL EXPEDITION #2

Platinum X

Rating: FOUR “Island Of Doctor Moreau" BUSTED NUTS

There was a story a few years ago, when Dolly the Sheep and genetic engineering was at its height of controversy, that somewhere on a deserted island, outside the jurisdiction of any government, there was a scientist working on cloning human beings. Word had it that the person was Italian. I seem to remember it was a woman, too.

I think the information that this rogue scientist was attempting to duplicate people was wrong. Rather, without a shadow of a doubt, we believe that the idea was to create better, fitter human beings for nefarious ends.

Case in point: KATJA KASSIN.

DEIN ARSCH IST VOLLGEIL!!! JETZT SAUGEN MEIN SCHWANZ!!!

Nothing short of genetic modification can account for the concentrated amount of flesh located in Miss Kassim’s behind. It’s a testament to both the glory and horror of the power of modern technology, and to those who wield it.

Kassim is in fine form in ANAL EXPEDITION #2. In fact, the scene in which she appears, along with two other women and two dudes, is the highlight of this video. It’s raunchy, it’s electric, it’s loaded with all-holes-plundered, fucking action.

The second installment of the Anal Expedition series isn’t as good as the first.. The main culprit is cover girl CINDY LORDS, who, although cute enough, is kinda vanilla. Also, let’s try to get away from focusing on director/star Manuel Ferrara’s hot-and-bothered breathing. Cheers. – STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/134978.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

WHAT HAPPENED THE DAY EVERYTHING WENT WRONG

A California man has pleaded guilty to residential burglary after he set up a meeting with a woman on a rape fantasy Internet chat page, but instead broke into a different woman's apartment. Michael Todd Howard, 35, pleaded guilty in a court in San Diego Tuesday in return for an expected sentence of one year in jail and probation, prosecutors said.

CUMBACK PUSSY #50

Elegant Angel

Rating: THREE “I Have No Goddamned Idea" BUSTED NUTS

What’s it all about, Alfie?

The fuck if I know. This movie doesn’t really follow any rhyme or reason and just kind of meanders from scene to scene that don’t really have anything do with one another other than occupying the same contiguous piece of fucking videotape.

This fuck flick features fuckstress LAUREN PHOENIX, mumble slut MARY KATE ASHLEY and the very fine and asinine AVA DEVINE. What's this mean? Who the fuck knows? Outside of them fucking and sucking like their lives depended on it, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?

I am not quite sure whether this is a compilation or not. The one thing I know for sure is the girls are very pretty, the fucking is good, and it has absolutely, positively no discernible plot.

Hey, I guess I like it!--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/137096.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

THE PUMP SHOTS

In-X-Cess

Rating: THREE “Springtime For Hitler In Germany" BUSTED NUTS

My name is CORNHOLIO. And I just received notice from these SKULLGAME motherfuckers that the review I agreed to do they will not pay me for. In fact they don’t PAY for any reviews.

I am, as you might have guessed at this exact motherfucking juncture in time, a little fezzed up. Whether it’s

1) ass (their old ladies would do nicely)
2) more ass (I take Moms as a useful unit of currency as well)
3) or electronic goods

I gots to get my motherfucking money on. So I reckon this video PUMP SHOTS is worth $25. And I understand real journalists get $1 a word. So I figure I’m worth TWICE that, so let’s see, doing the math that gives me, um…carry the 2….yeah.

Shit, you motherfuckers better hope I don’t get a Proust bug up my Black ass because the way I figure it they owe me already about $600.

Which I’ll be by to collect tomorrow, early, around 2 pm, and so you beeyatches best be ready.

So here’s my review:

Pros: Hot Euro bitches fucking, sucking, and getting well glazed with paste.
Cons: The absolute absence of antennas, ass whipping with antennas, or repeatedly unfulfilled requests for overdue cash money payments that then result in antenna ass whipping.

Finished.

And now alls y’all owe me is $1300! Money well fucking spent if you ask me.--CORNHOLIO

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/137781.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg