skull_weblog

SKULLGAME'S HOLLYWOOD CONFIDENTIAL: DESPITE HIS PROTESTATIONS TO THE CONTRARY TOM CRUISE IS GAY!!! AND SO IS SCARLETT JOHANSSON!! AND, AND, AND SO IS LINDSAY LOHAN!!! THEY ARE ALL GAY!!!

And lest they be forgotten SKULLGAME would like to take a collective moment out to pay a red, white and blue memorial tribute to all the little people that make America the free fucking country it is by pulling our planes around.

PLEASE STAY SEATED UNTIL THE FUCKING MIDGETS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP

JUDGE RULES THAT "GAY" NOT LIBELOUS. TOM CRUISE ENRAGED

BUT BEFORE THE RAGE: CRUISE RECEIVING A GAY AWARD FOR NOT BEING GAY FROM A KNOWN GAY MAN WHO SEEMS TO HAVE A GREAT RESPECT FOR JAPANESE OPERA

BOSTON (SkullGame) -- Stating that someone is a homosexual, or a cocksucker, or even a homosexual cocksucker, or even a fucking backpacking in the ass cracking homosexual cocksucker does not libel or slander them, particularly in light of new court decisions granting homosexuals more rights, a federal judge has ruled to TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE's chagrin.

The ruling by U.S. District Judge Nancy Gertner came as she threw out lawsuits by TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE against SKULLGAME, as well as a former "boyfriend" of pop singer and occasional homosexual MADONNA who claimed he was libeled because his gay name appeared in a photo caption in a book about Madonna — under a picture of Madonna walking with a homosexual man.

"In fact, a finding that such a statement is defamatory requires this court to legitimize the prejudice and bigotry that for too long have plagued the homosexual community," she wrote in her opinion Friday, right before she dismissed everyone and advised them to "now go home and suck away. Or whatever it is that you people do."

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO...

AN OPEN LETTER TO LINDSAY LOHAN:

THIS IS LINDSAY LOHAN, NOT SOME RANDOM SLUT

Hello Ms. Lohan. Let me introduce myself if I may. My name is Italian Sal...of the Skullgame Sal’s.

Anyhow, I am writing this letter in hopes that you or one of your many fans will read this and that somehow my request will somehow make it to you. First and foremost I consider myself one of your many fans. Hell, I have been a fan since...since...well since you wore that little dress in your movie "Mean Girls."

Well now that I think of it, I guess I am less a fan and more someone you gave an erection to, but let's not get stuck on semantics and word games, you bitch. My dear Ms. Lohan, I would hope that you would consider a career in adult films in the not-so-distant future. After seeing you in "Mean Girls" and achieving the aforementioned erection my eagerness for seeing you on your back with your knees pinned up near your ears has literally reached a fever pitch.

THIS IS SOME RANDOM SLUT, NOT LINDSAY LOHAN...SEE WHAT THE FUCK WE MEAN?!?!

I would hope that you would consider my heartfelt note, if not for me, then do it for America, because if you don’t...well, I shudder to think this, well if you don’t, the terrorists will have already won.

Thank you and may God continue to bless America.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TAKES A BREAK FROM BENICIO'S TORO TO SLUICE LUCY

EVERYBODY WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A PORNSTAR BUT NOBODY WANTS TO SUCK THE COCK

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- The 19-year-old bombshell sexy, sex sex starlet SCARLETT JOHANSSON stunned drinkers at a posh bar — by sharing some tongue gobbling with gorgeous actress and fellow blonde beauty TARA SUBKOFF, at New York’s ultra-hip Hiro lesbianatorium.

Onlookers told how sultry Tara, 30, led Scarlett off to a corner before kissing her full on the mouth. Tara, who also heads her own fashion label, is known for provocative and some would say desperate antics.

Scarlett — who has just landed a fucking Laughing Satan $4 million modelling deal as the face of design house Louis Vuitton — is also notorious for HER daring sex acts. She once confessed to sucking sausage in a hotel elevator with movie hunk Benicio del Toro, 37. At least she thinks that was Benicio del Toro.

SCARLETT THE HARLOT & TARA TIME: EVERYBODY WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN BUT NOBODY WANTS TO MUNCH THE RUG

And Tara, not to be outslutted, once stripped naked for a scene in a 2002 TV movie Teenage Caveman. She set up her fashion house Imitation of Christ after accusing Hollywood film-makers of churning out rubbish like Teenage Caveman.

Her screenprint evening gowns are famed for their bizarre slogans — including "Sincerity is the new vulgarity," "We need enemies," and "I suck sooooo bad."

BRITS SHAKE GAY REP WITH FUCKING FOR DOLLARS

The Sex Inspectors, a series in which couples will be filmed having sex, with their performance assessed by experts, will be screened in the autumn. The series will be modelled on The Dinner Party Inspectors, in which experts on etiquette gave critical feedback after observing the interactions of diners. The production company Talkback, which is behind both shows, has begun recruiting couples to tackle problems including differences in sex drive and difficulties created by having children.

THE BLACK BASTARD #5

Celebrating Black History Week

in Porn. Congrats Black folks!

138768

WHEN YOUR REACH EXCEEDS YOUR COCK

Yo Vinnie,
A friend of mine asked me to set him up with a woman I know through work. My friend is a great guy, once you get to know him, but, well, he’s a little odd. And this woman is really a 10, way out of his league. Should I attempt the set up (my friend requested a small dinner party) or break it to him that he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell?--M.M. (by email)

SKULLGAME GUIDE TO TELLING WHEN SHE LIKES YOU: LESSON #2

Dear Chuck Woolery: God saves us from the fucking do gooders. So YOU'RE going to do your friend a FAVOR by breaking it to him gently that he's a FUCKING LOSER? With friends like you who the fuck needs back-stabbing fucking faggots around? Listen, I know, I know there exists that semi-informal rating and ranking system that everybody likes to pretend doesn't exist but really does that has the hot chicks pairing off with the hot guys and the losers are left to fight over the spoils. But it's discontinuities in that system that we all should live for. Those days when you win the lottery. Exceptin' there's no CHANCE to any of this as the victor will always be the one that realizes that we are all just pieces of meat and that there is no piece of meat better than any other piece of meat. Who am I? Who the fuck am I? I'm the guy that turns the TV up when the hot bitch is talking because "I can't hear the game." THAT'S who the fuck I am. So set up the dinner, leave your friend alone, and then fuck off. Simple.

BRAIN SURGEON

CDI

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Bigger Than A Breadbasket But Smaller Than Her IQ" BUSTED NUTS

WENDY GODDAMN WHOPPERS.

HOME OF THE FUCKING WHOPPER

Man, oh man, I remember it well.

It was Thanksgiving and because I was in the goddamned mood for giving thanks to alla my bitches I went on over to my local ho' stop, that being Market Street Cinema, just to, you know, thank the lord I got the ho's I got. So's there I am with some of my bitches and who comes toddling along but WENDY WHOPPERS.

Girl got titties on her like ass on an ape.

I mean those fucking mammoth fake shits that was all the rage back in the 9-0s. Anyways here she come looking like a fucking weeble and I gave her the high sign and she came over and sat on CORN's lap and the rest is fucking fucking history.

Now I know that she got the knock of being not quite as smart as some of the other girls out there. Not quite as stable as CHASEY LAIN, nor as personable as STEPHANIE SWIFT, Wendy WAS her own goddamned woman goddamn it. Her own 44DD woman with jugs bigger than small garbage cans. I watch this for ol' times' sake sometimes. This, a jug of wine cooler, and some MC Hammer on the stereo. Shit. It don't get much better than that.--CORNHOLIO

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VINTAGE EROTICA FROM THE '40'S #2

Pleasure

Rating: TWO "What The Janitor Saw" BUSTED NUTS

In the "olden" days dudes would be retiring to the toilet with Sears catalogs and line drawings of broads in bras. This early primitivism gave way to a neo-primitivism: dudes seeing "nature" films to fully appreciate the plight of the unbound Ubangi tit. From here for all but the special few there was BETTY GRABLE, AVA GARDNER, ROSALIND RUSSELL and a host of other scantily clad movie stars who did nothing but smile and show a little leg. Which accounts for why everyone was GAY back then.

That is, everyone except for the few, the felonious, the blackmailers who were making the kind of shit that appears on this DVD.

AND JUST THINK: THIS WAS ONE OF THE FEW GUYS GETTING LAID. THANK GOD, THIS IS THE NEW MILLENIUM

SEE women who are most assuredly, presently all dead, giving head to men who in all likelihood are now crapping in diapers. THRILL to hairpie thick enough to house a herd of syphilitic crab lice. CHILL to dipsomaniacs, nymphomaniacs and just plain maniacs with easy access to huge ol' box cameras getting it on--especially if "by getting it on" you mean stiffly fucking in a way that recalls nothing if not, well, yeah, I'll say it, Sears catalogs.

Now I'm sure in Human Sexuality classes all over America there are 18-year-olds watching shit like this and feeling all edgy. Or artists out there that are feeling smugly ironic. Or pornheads who are just feeling like they might discover new thrills in old perversions.

Whatever.

Shit like this will make you gay...as proven by the fact that my cock is being gobbled by none other than DAVE DIETRICH as of this writing. Heyyyy....I was just joking about my cock being sucked by a dude, you know. I mean while, in fact, DAVE DIETRICH IS a cocksucker, he presently is not sucking MY cock. He's probably off sucking some old guy's cock. Some old guy who might like this flick. Some old guy who was IN this flick.--VINNIE ROSE

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/131151.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SKEETER KERKOVE'S SODOMIZED

Mayhem

Rating: FOUR "Gee, That's A Big, Gaping Asshole. No, Not Him. The chick's" BUSTED NUTS

At first we thought the title of this movie was announcing that yes, indeed, ol' Skeets himself, was getting ass-blasted and while our minds settled around the revolting development of Mr. Kerkove having gone insane enough to believe he could turn a buck out of selling his cornholing to the viewing world, we realized with great relief that this wasn't what he was peddling.

So, ah, let the actress Ass blasting begin!

Chockfull of assholes gaping like confused apes, SKEETER KERKOVE'S SODOMIZED is all about nothing, if not fine chicks getting their buttholes fucked raw. And raw is exactly how best this movie is to be described: raw and dirty. That is, raw and dirty in a way that drew THE urbane ARGENTINE's ire. Full of chicks wearing fishnet body suits and stockings. And there's the rub: you may indeed rub the skin of your dick watching this little hunk of heaven.

GIA PALOMA SLICKING THE STICK PRIOR TO THE STICKING

Starring Super Sexy Slob GIA PALOMA along with AUDREY HOLLANDER and VIVICA VENGEANCE to name of few of the fucks sodomized in Kerkove's unceremonious view of the entire ass-fucking enterprise, this one is a must have for your personal collection of jack flicks.--ITALIAN SAL

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/202647.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ERIK EVERHARD'S OUT NUMBERED #2

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Get Out Your Babe-Shaking Sticks" BUSTED NUTS

How many women does it take to drown out the accursed soundtrack that, like a horror movie, is present everywhere ERIK "Oh Wow" EVERHARD goes? Well, we have deduced that it’s well more than seven.

STACY SILVER: STRAIGHT OUTTA SLAMBONIA

Three scenes here, each featuring at least six women, with 20 in all. And that's what saves the movie: the sheer, wall-to-wall Euro sluttitage. Why, it's a virtual who's who of the cream of the Euro crop: LUCY LEE, JULIE SILVER, SANDRA ROMAIN, STACY SILVER and JESSICA FLORENTINO, to name just six.

The East Euro bitches are leading the world in double anal. We can’t decide whether it’s more morose or carnally exciting. Probably a little from column A, and a little from column B and a little from column GAY.

However, this movie can overpower even the worst case of ADD. Damn it, they should prescribe it to those in need of a severe smoothing out. With all these ho's doing what the Euro ho's do best and exhibiting more babeitude than you can shake a stick at while doing it, this vid, despite the presence of my personal bete noire Erik Everhard, has all the cock-stiffening power you'd expect to be brought on by whoreage of this caliber. Word – STEELY ROB

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SKULLGAME'S PIMP ISSUE: WHEREIN PARIS HILTON'S PIMP SPEAKS OUT, PIMP WANNA-BE ICE-T PIMPS HIS ACT AND GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE SPUN-G MAKES THE COUNTERCLAIM "PIMPING IS QUITE EASY!!!"

On the verge of this long weekend memorializing something that should be memorialized we, the members of SKULLGAME, encourage you to drink memorially and responsibly...as much fortified wine as possible made by our proud sponsor: NIGHT TRAIN.

"DON'T LET THE 0.5% LESS ALCOHOL BY VOLUME FOOL YOU, THE NIGHT TRAIN IS ALL BUSINESS WHEN IT PULLS INTO THE STATION. ALL ABOARD TO NOWHERE - WOO WOOO!"--BumWine.com

PARIS HILTON'S PIMP RICK SOLOMON SPEAKS

THAT AIN'T WORKING, THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO IT, GETTING YOUR COCKLE SUCKED ON THE MTV

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Though recently called "a sleaze and a pig" by no less vaunted personage then CINDY ADAMS, she of the world's sleaziest profession, RICK SOLOMON has had a heady run at the ring by cashing in a cool 50 mil off the back of "celebrity" pro skag PARIS HILTON. Her carefully managed penchant for fucking and sucking sausage is the kind of work for which we now salute Solomon.

SkullGame: Thanks for talking to us. Without the benefit of the Pontiac SR2435 car antenna, without the benefit of a size 11 shoe, and with nary a chin check, you have managed to parlay Paris Hilton's desperate need for attention into a highly lucrative venture. How'd you do it?

Rick Solomon: The way the best pimps do it: with honeyed words of support. "Oh yeah, baby. You look great. You...are...a...star!" Crap like that. Well that and having the presence of mind to take the fucking lens cap off.

SG: And the way you reversed the threat of legal action on the grounds that you drugged her into a justification for showing America what she looks like with coconut drippings swinging off of her chin...well there's no other word to describe that but MASTERFUL.

HEY!!? WHA?!? WHERE WAS THAT COCK I WAS SUCKING?!?! HUNH?!? OH?!?

RS: Yes. Thank you. Your appreciation is much, you know, appreciated. But it was a hurtful moment for me. Their assertions that I needed to stoop to the use of pharmaceuticals to work my magic. That's fucking bullshit. So you see, I HAD to release it, sell it, and ultimately grant the rights to it to Red Light District for a hefty profit. I mean my hand was forced. [sobs gently while dabbing at the tears with a $100 bill].

SG: Thank you, sir. We'll stop here. You've already suffered enough.

RS: Thank YOU.

ICE T: "THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU SUCCEED AS A PIMP IS THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE BEING PAID FOR HAVING BALLS."

ICE T AND HIS FUCKING WIFE. THAT'S RIGHT. HIS WIFE!!!

SkullGame: Some might have said that you made a Pimp 101 error by getting married to your work. Reaction?

ICE-T: Fuck all y'all. I sheltered my shit in off-shore accounts and got an OJ Simpson Pre Nup.

Downside?

Only big, giant ass mountains of titties and ass. Now, don't call here no more.

SG: We will. Tomorrow. Same time?

IT: No. DON'T call here!

SG: Great. Talk to you soon.

THE YOUTH WILL HAVE THEIR SAY: "PIMPING IS EASIER THAN TOO SHORT EVER LET ON."

HOL' UP, HOL' UP. I GOT KOBE ON THE LINE...

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- There are pimps and there are pimps but full Guinness Book style, we found the youngest pimp, one 19-year-old SPUN-G, working the TenderNob neighborhood in San Francisco and he made this earth-shattering pimp proclamation: "pimping is quite easy."

NOW, HO'ING? THAT'S SOME HARD WORK

"I mean at first I thought it was going to be a lot of antenna work. A lot of shoe throwing and repeated demands to my ho's for my motherfucking money. But no, it was a lot easier than the average person could even guess. They GIVE me the money for safe keeping and I run it over the bank. I keep an eye out for the po po. Oh, and I listen to all their complaints. About their mothers, their ex-husbands, their crappy childhoods. I'm deaf in my left ear so it's easier than it sounds. I've worked at McDonalds and I'm here to tell you: Pimping is A LOT easier than dealing with angry fat people."

WAX ON, WAX OFF: MAN WANTS COCK BACK!!!

A MILLIONAIRE who had a sex-swap operation to become a woman wants to be a man again. Dad-of-two Charles Kane became Samantha seven years ago. He claims he was rushed into the decision and is now suing his surgeon for £186,442. Property developer and designer Kane, 44, says he agreed to the op after his wife left him and he suffered a nervous breakdown. He claims gender identity specialist Dr Russell Reid convinced him to have the sex-change surgery.

JULIAN'S LIPSTICK 'N LINGERIE

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Two More Laps Around The Track" BUSTED NUTS

SkullGame’s own ITALIAN SAL is a throwback to a past time. An ancient time. And with the upcoming, soon-to-be cancelled games in Athens, Greece, we are reminded of when Olympians competed with nary a bit of foreign material on their bodies.

Said SAL, in mid-pose and holding a discus, "I'm into nakedness because I’m an athalete (sic)."

RITA FALTOYANO LETTING THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

Sal might not be too fond of JULIAN’S LIPSTICK 'N LINGERIE then. Actually, it should be named LIPSTICK OR LINGERIE, like in the scene with class A porn slut RITA FALTOYANO, who’s looking a little tired in her scene. That's tired as in sleepy versus tired as in last year's pants. But at least her nakedness would be up to Sal’s sterling standards.

It turns out, however, that Faltoyano’s performance really sets the tone for the entire fucking flick.

Decent. Average. The gimmick is pretty good too. But the fucking and lingerie are vanilla.

The next one should be better, if I'm a'gonna watch it. Get some well-rested sluts, doll 'em up a little more, and maybe get 'em some of that racy stuff they used to wear back in the 80s. Film it. Ship it. Simple.--STEELY ROB

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BANANA CREAM PIE #3

Video Team

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Oh, I LOVE Cream Pie! Oh Wait A Minute..." BUSTED NUTS

Is there MSG in this? I SAID NO MSG!

What’s that?

Oh yeah, listen, ANY movie starring a girl named HEIDI HO has got to be goddamned good.

MIKA TAN GOING CUCKOO FOR COCONUTS

And is it?

Does a monkey have balls?
Does a hotdog have mustard?
Does a dog got a dick?

I don't know.

The point is this though: this movie is good.

Starring MAIA GINGER, the big-butted MIKA TAN and 18-year old KYLIE REY, this internal cum shot movie is of the Asian persuasion. You know. From the People's Republic of Pussy. Two one-on-one scenes along with two double-teams this movie...

Wait one good goddamned minute!

This says it’s the Special Director's cut: What the fuck does that mean?!!??

I keep seeing this in porno’s these days: collector's edition, limited edition, director's cut. I can't understand what the fuck that means. Are you going to display these prominently like you would fine china?

Oh yes, these are my Hummels and right next to them you will find my special gangbang collector's edition, you see, it says collector's edition right on the box there. Hey! Where are you rushing off to, did I say something? Well fine. Fine. Leave then.

Lesbian.

Could you imagine that? Anyway, even though I am not a big fan of cream pie videos, which is the goofyfied name they've glossed internal cumshot vids with (and no it's not because I am afraid of commitment), I am going to recommend this solely on the overall super cuteness of the girls and down and dirty fucking they are stumbling into.--ITALIAN SAL

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/206163.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ONCE YOU GO BLACK #3

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "I Have A Dream" BUSTED NUTS

ONCE YOU BLACK YOU NEVER GO BACK...for seconds.

At least that's how the goddamned joke goes.

However, considering this is number THREE in a series I wouldn't take that shit all that seriously. Especially when the swordsmen are SEAN MICHAELS and MANDINGO, MR. 13" AND MR. 14", respectively. Now we all heard the knock time and time again about how

it ain't the meat, it's the motion,
It ain't the sword, it's the swordsmen.
It ain't the pickle, it's the cucumber.

Whatever.

KAYLA WILL REMEMBER THIS LONG AFTER SHE'S FORGOTTEN WHAT A WHORE SHE USED TO BE

The lasting point is: when you fuck a broad you want her to remember THAT fuck out of all the 1000s that she accrued before she got to YOU. And even if the sex is BAD with a Pole Pirate, well she knows she's being fucked by the one-in-a-million man march.

And this counts for goddamned something.

So whether it's KAYLYNN getting police plowed when she shows up to "arrest" four would-be burglars, LUCY THAI getting gerked by MANDINGO or SHARON WILD wringing the ivory from the ebony, these broads fuck like they're in the fucking SuperBowl HalfTime show. Minus the fag dancing and STEVEN TYLER from Aerosmith. Which is sort of like saying the same thing twice.

Director JULES JORDAN is the reputed master here of the build up and build up he does and while my wrinkled cock was dribbling out the ragged remnants of my future farmers of America, his scenes were still going. And going. And going. Some might say he films overlong. I might say he's given me a chance to suck a second wind.

Fucking the way you'd fuck if you got fucked out of 40 acres and a fucking mule. And had a 14" cock. And a bunch of hot fucking bitches willing to be fucked by it. Essentially, life the way it'd be if you were ME. Enjoy, yourselves. Bitches.--VINNIE ROSE

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/204135.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

A CUM SUCKING WHORE NAMED JUDY STAR

Anabolic Digital

Rating: FOUR "Damn You Everhard! Damn Youuuu!" BUSTED NUTS

First things first:

ERIK FUCKING EVERHARD.

Famous porn star pricker or not, I HATE that guy. And my voice counts because I’m goddamned European.

His cock is funky looking and his scrawny white ass is NOT a thing I want to be seeing. He also calls out to God and Jesus constantly during his porn star pricking and coconut glazing. I am ok with JC and his old man, as long as it's done in a tasteful, exorcist FUCK ME FUCK ME, cross stuffing, green vomit spewing extravaganza. Not this pussy shit.

Head to the fucking showers and take up a day job, because I GODDAMNED SAID SO!

NO GODDAMN BUSTED NUTS FOR YOU!

The total opposite can be said about Ms. Cum Sucking Whore JUDY STAR: I LOVE that chick. Her body is funky and her podgy white ass is DEFINITELY something I want to be seeing. And she's exactly the kind of chick that would go exorcist FUCK ME FUCK ME on your ass. Oh yes baby!

WHY YES. I AM A CUM-SUCKING WHORE. WHY DO YOU ASK?

Not to mention her funky French Canadian accent. She sounds naive at first, but
when the fucking starts and her star gets fucked it's evident that naivete can
take a hike because she works it like the best of 'em. Rough and tough. OH YES
BABY!

Oh, oh, and OH: she will make you repaint your entire house, IN JERKING CREAM if chick on chick is your style, because her scene with BELLA and this other chick is grand with a capital GODDAMN!

So, here's the low-down:

PRO's:

JUDY STAR, her star.
BELLE, her star.
OH YES BABY!
FUCK ME FUCK ME!
JERKING CREAM
GODDAMN!
MR MARCUS and LEXINGTON STEELE

CON's:

ERIK FUCKING EVERHARD! NO GODDAMN BUSTED NUTS FOR YOU!

In conclusion; I fucking hate EVERHARD! But to be fair and objective (and to
avoid punishment from Vinnie, as if), because we here at SKULLGAME care for you, the pro's of this movie FAR outweigh the ERIK FUCKING EVERHARD. Big respect to JUDY STAR and her merry crew of porno sluts and prickers. --THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/205171.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JUST LIKE WE LIKE 'EM: SKULLGAME'S TRIBUTE TO CRAZY, FUCKING WACKED OUT BITCHES WITH BUCKS WHO WILL BLOW YOU, BANG YOU AND PAY THE BILL

Brought to you by our proud sponsor, The Fucking Drunken And Staggering Irish Drunk Fistfighter Magazine: The Magazine To Have When You're Having More Than One. Or 10. And in association with Fucking Drunken Fight Videos --BUY NOW-- Filmed BY random drunks, FOR random drunks.

"WHO'S A FAGGOT?!?!" "YOU TALKING TO ME?!?" AND OF COURSE, THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?"

ALL FUCKING THINGS CONSIDERED: GODDAMNED CRAZY BITCHES

WHATTSMATTA? YOU GAY?!?!? S'ALRIGHT...I BLOW LOTS OF GAY DUDES!!!

AMERICA (SkullGame) -- In this age of faux modesty, faux jewelry and faux pas, it's good to have girls around who remind us that absolutely, positively NOT giving a shit isn't the sole province of drunk dudes with cocaine problems and crackheads. Much more than a sop to gender equality the women, known from here on out as GODDAMNED CRAZY BITCHES manage, because of their relative lack of brawn, to be much more devilishly cunning in their total level of running-from- the-cops sort of insanity. Much more property damagingly inventive. Much more completely car crashingly creative. Hence our tribute to the GODDAMNED CRAZY BITCH.

THE CRAP-ASS SINGER NAMED JEWEL

I "JUST" "LOVE" HER "MUSIC". AND HER BIG ASS TAY TAYS. BUT MOSTLY HER BIG ASS TAY TAYS

She sings crap-ass songs and she is a crap-ass singer who knows her way around a stunt. Or 10.

Witness: Jewel going on a tirade and insulting and poking fun at fat people and other audience members with no teeth at the same show where she asked the audience to yell requests and then told them to "shut the fuck up. Look why don't you just stop looking at my fucking trailer park teeth and look long and lingeringly at my breasts. Like EVERYONE else."

Whoa whoa whoa. Is there some confusion as to why she's here to begin with? We hope the fuck not, Titty.

ANTOINETTE ATHERTON: STABBY STABBY STABBY

NOTHING SAYS SANITY LIKE A SHIRT THAT MISSPELLS "TROUBLEMAKER"

She stabbed her immediate boyfriend after us with an icepick. The provocation was apparently an errant compliment. "I told him that if he told me one more time how 'hot' I looked that I was going to stab him. And I did." She was ejected from school and was in total "shocked" that everyone "made such a goddamned big deal about it."

Yeah, baby.

COURTNEY LOVE: GUILTY. AGAIN.

I AM ELMER J. FUDD. I OWN A MANSION AND A YACHT. OR AT LEAST I USED TO

Multimillionairess murderer, rock "star" COURTNEY LOVE pleaded guilty Tuesday to a misdemeanor count of being under the influence of a controlled substance and agreed to enter a drug rehabilitation program. Love was initially arrested after allegedly trying to break into the home of a former boyfriend. After being released, officers responding to a call from Love, went to her home and screaming and shouting she gave them a small bag of pills, according to a police officer's testimony.

However when the judge asked for her plea, the amusingly named Love whispered "Guilty," to which a laughing courtroom responded in unison:

"YOU THINK?!?!"

STEPHANIE TORRES: BALDILOCKS!!!

YOU LIKE MY HAIR? REALLY? REALLY?!?! NO. REALLY?!?!

Oh yes, I, ITALIAN SAL, have been a fan of crazy bitches for as long as I can remember. Oh yeah, how I love to come home to some bitch's hair, unceremoniously shorn from her own head with a pair of cooking shears. Yeah that’s the life: waking up itching like a motherfucker next to some half-bald lunatic who says she’s "depressed" while all along fucking all your friends in a way that leads you to believe that it is in fact you who should be depressed.

Yeah, that’s the life…

What’s this about again?

Crazy Bitches?

No, I don’t know any crazy bitches…

No, not me…no crazy girls…none at all…nope.

MARIAH CAREY: HORRIBLE IN ALL FOUR FUCKING OCTAVES

MARES EAT OATS AND DOES EAT OATS AND LITTLE LAMBS EAT IVY

She calls her fans "my lambs."

DOMONIQUE SIMONE: I AM NOT ON DRUGS!!!

DRUG FREE, LOVING IT!!!!AND PISSING IN THE POOL.

Calling at 5 A.M. to let us know that she was NOT on drugs wasn't enough. Staggering around the Fairmont hotel at midnight the night before, false eyelashes dangling from the ends of her eyes like fucking commas wasn't enough. Getting busted driving over to our place the next day WITH the dealer after we expressly said NOT to come wasn't even enough. Stalking Samuel L. Jackson, well that was enough. He's a bad motherfucker. And so is she. Plus she can deep throat SEAN MICHAELS.

Nuff Goddamned Said.

NEWS NOT UNEXPECTED: SPANKY IN KID PORN SNAG

An international crackdown on child pornography leads to the arrest of "Spanky" the Clown. Police said Tuesday that Thomas Allen Riccio, 23, was arrested in Fayetteville, N.C., where he was performing with Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus. Authorities turned up 200 leads in the child pornography case, which lead them to several arrests, including Riccio's.

PROJECT GINGER

Vivid

Rating: THREE "As Fucking IF" BUSTED NUTS

You know some philosophers say that we see the world as we need to see the world: as a reflection of ourselves. And so it follows that a depraved fucking monkey like me might well imagine that the world is populated with drug-addled fuckers who'd knife you in the back in a second if they thought they could make a buck off of it. And naturally if this is the world in which I am master this is also the context from which all of my reviews come.

HOWFUCKINGEVER...

I think it safe to say that objectively goddamned speaking this movie was not only directed by, but clearly is populated with drug-addled fuckers who'd knife you in the back in a second if they thought they could make a buck off of it.

I'm speaking here of porn's Typhoid Mary, Marc Wallice. He of the "I Know I Have HIV But I'll Fake My Clearance Just For Fun" 1990s debacle.

But alla that political shit aside, this movie about a sort of Dr. Jekyll character and his students that invent/discover/fabricate the world's best aphrodesiac that in full-blown Ebola fashion affects all those that come into contact with it ULTIMATELY turning a blow up doll into GINGER LYNN, is a tender homage to love, latex and the transmigration of the human soul.

ONCE UPON A TIME, WHEN PUBIC HAIR ROAMED THE EARTH...GINGER LYNN WAS THE GODDAMNED IT GIRL

You see what I mean? It's not just me right?!?? The acid/coke/crank HAD to be flowing hot and heavy here, right?

Despite the entirely threadbare plot, horrible dialogue and shit-sacking editing, this flick STILL manages to give us something worth watching. To whit: Ginger Lynn ankles high. No one and I do mean no one got fucked in the ass like the former MRS. CHARLIE SHEEN did. Such style. Such panache. Such semen extracting abandon.

YOUNG LOVE: AGELESS AND EVERGREEN.

Which is just enough to get me to forget that this is actually a goddamned Vivid release. And you don't have any idea how it pains me to say that.--VINNIE ROSE

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LICK 'EM AND STICK 'EM

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: FOUR BUSTED NUTS

Baby Doll Pictures gets an extra nut JUST for a great porno name. Because yes, goddamn it, it does count!!!

Featuring the very cute MONICA SWEETHEART getting boned by bad boy BARRETT BLADE in a jail cell makes you wonder: does crime in fact pay?

I would have to say: no.

Especially since the fact remains that the only jailhouse fucking being done is of the man on man variety. Do you want to pay 20 plus dollars for that? I didn’t think so.

MONICA SWEETHEART: OH YEAH SHE IS

Anyhow getting back to some non-Jailhouse type fucking.

DOMINO, oh baby! Talk about super slob. This Eurasian slut is as horny as she is sexy, getting dicked down by John West she takes a load in the face so huge it's like she's standing under a showerhead. This scene is a must see. Skip ahead if you got to.

What else? Let's see. Ah yes, LACY LEE the 18 year old new comer in her first scene ever gets her fuck on in a way that proves that no experience is needed for looking good while getting badly plowed. She is super wet, super horny and super cute.

You will also see NICO, JULIE KNIGHT and CORRINA TAYLOR.--ITALIAN SAL

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MIKE JOHN'S TEENAGE SPERMAHOLICS

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "Now Where Am I Gonna Put These Extra Cocks?" BUSTED NUTS

While normally I don’t endorse pregnant broads with dangly bellybutton rings, a stand-up performance is a stand-up performance and deserves at least a golf clap.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

KAYLA dives
straight into a head-on collision with cock like a Geo hitting a Suburban. I’m telling ya, this broad gets wrecked.

The whole time, like the ENTIRE time this bitch has a cock in every orifice and every hand. In between every painful throat fucking gurgle and gag, she even attempts to muster a smile. What a sport this one is. From failed grocery store cashier to porn star. I bet her mother is quite fucking proud.

"MY NAME IS SANDY...AND I'M A TEENAGE SPERMAHOLIC!" "HI SANDY!!!"

But as I watch this, quotes from FULL METAL JACKET pop into my head. Specifically:

"OutFUCKINGstanding Private Pyle, I think we finally found something you do
well!"

Oh yeah. Especially if that something was smiling a 24-fucking carat smile with a waterfall of liquid kids dripping off her face.

While some of us (*COUGH* ITALIAN SAL, STEELY ROB, VINNIE ROSE) have been duped by the tranny façade in the past I, however, am no fool. At least as far as I know. YET, LUCY THAI
fools about five dudes into thinking she has never had a cock.

Well, I’m blowing the whistle on this one. Just consider it a homie helper.

Despite all of that used to pee-standing-up crap, this "bitch" puts on about as good of a performance as one could expect from a suspected tranny.

LUCY THAI IS A WOMAN!!! AND THIS PHOTO PROVES IT. ESPECIALLY IF BY IT, YOU MEAN THE GLAZING GLORY THAT IS THE INTERVIEW EXPERIENCE AT MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME

Other Oscar winning performances include PATRICIA wearing striped tights and
getting fucked by some mutant who, without financial inducements, she would
never fuck in her seriously sluttish life. Seriously, the acting in her scene is great. Not great like believable but you can see how she overtly tries to cover up her own disgust. I bet she went home and listened to Bauhaus and cried
herself to sleep.

Well I mean I hope she did.

And oh yeah, MELISSA is foreign and looks like a fucking praying mantis.--HABIB

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MY BABY GOT BACK! #32

Video Team

Rating: THREE "Did Someone Mention Stunningly Outdated SIR
MIX-A-LOT References?" BUSTED NUTS

First off: Some lighting problems.

As in they're a bit slow to adjust the spotlights when the performers change positions. Sure, it's hard to do that with one hand when you're holding a big ol' sherm-laden joint in the other. And a man's got priorities!

Well, I largely suspect that's the case here.

But shockingly, despite the heavy, heavy, heavy weed vibe (and not just cos DEVLIN WEED's involved) they don't actually film themselves huffing. Hey, it's a sex film, after all. But I think they should. If the sticky icky wicky is good enough to be huffed by The Gropinator in PUMPING IRON, it's good enough for these guys. You know, for medicinal purposes.

MEET CINNABUNZ: HOT? CHECK. SWEET? CHECK. STICKY? CHECK. ARE THESE GOOD THINGS? OH YEAHHHH...

JADA FIRE's up first. There's some good camaraderie in this scene. And she's a loud
one. And like every girl here, she gets a sausage in her rump.

All good things.

However, the revelation here is PHOENIX. She's not what I'd call an attractive woman. With beer goggles on, at 3 A.M., with a backed-up nutsack...she still
wouldn't be what I'd call an attractive woman. She does, however, have a pulse, thereby satisfying all of VINNIE'S criteria, and that's cool. To each their own.

The "revelation" though occurs not in her scene but in the bonus footage. She's
watching JADA FIRE being fucked and filmed, frigging herself, and randomly
slurping on any sausage that passes within slobbering distance.

She's not being paid for this.

She's just happily giving sloppy blowjobs to anyone in line. And there's quite a line there. And I'm pretty sure I saw VINNIE'S dick.

Or maybe that was a turnip. [Or a garden hose.--VINNIE]--MR. XTRA

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YOUR MOTIVATION? A NICE, SOLID SPRAY OF SEMEN

A DRAMA teacher who indecently assaulted actresses at fake auditions was yesterday banned from classrooms for 12 years. Special-needs teacher Stephen Hunt, no relation to Mike Hunt, filmed himself groping, spanking and whipping naked and semi-naked women. Married Hunt, 46, took the lead in self-written 'plays' so he could fondle actresses, who were made to simulate sex acts. Prior to sentencing Hunt will receive the SKULLGAME Genius Award.

INSIDE DESIREE COUSTEAU

Total fucking tasty never fucked

this fucking well.

3581

BARELY 18 #8

Sin City

Rating: THREE & A HALF "For Old, Old, Old Time's Sake" BUSTED NUTS

Let's see, I was 18, well, I was 18 about 15 years ago.

It doesn’t seem all that long ago and in all honesty, the pussy I was jamming was nowhere near the quality of slut in this goddamned movie, which in and of itself is a sorry-assed statement of the goddamned ages if I ever heard one. Butttt, well, I didn’t go to college either. Yes, college. College where pussy like this abounds and in between classes in philosophy and history, I imagine they learn Cocksucking 101, Keisterology 4B, and Coconut Culinary.

Sigh. I really missed out. On? Yes, college. And fucking bitches like said bitches in this fucking video who...

...hey wait a good goddamned minute. Come to think of it, neither did any of these dumb bitches. Go to college, that is. So I guess I have no earthly excuse for fucking hogs, not bagging broads like these nor title to my theory that began with blowing your load down the gullet of a Gamma Epsilon girl and ended with the review of BARELY 18 #8.

Nevermind. Goddamned nevermind.

Anyways, this one features two-time box cover girl TEAGAN, as well as JENNIFER LOVE, and ESTELLA to name a few. That is, a few sluts I didn't fuck back when I was 18. So, if you’re a fan of messy facial cum shots (and who isn’t?), this movie is an absolute for your porn library.

I suggest you keep it right next to your hand lotion, paper towels, and volumes of PROUST and NIETZSCHE. That’s where I keep mine. "Barely legal and butt-naked, that’s what we love!"

Don’t we all, don’t we all.--ITALIAN SAL

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THE BLACK BASTARD #5

Anabolic Digital

Rating: FIVE "Momma Come Here Quick & Bring Me That Licking Stick" BUSTED NUTS

Now if you read my review for "KEEPING IT REAL" then you know MS. NIGGA PLEASE keep it real. No matter WHAT THE FUCK Bill Cosby say. So let’s talk about BLACK BASTARD #5.

Now this is a motherfuckin' porno! My pussy got pretty damn wet watching this shit. In fact I had to call my man and tell him to come fuck me on TUESDAY it was that goddamned good. And I mean I never dug fucking on Tuesday.

But I like the camera views and I like LEXINGTON STEELE. And I know we tell y'all length-challenged men differently, but it IS the goddamned size. Ummmm, I had to put that on when my man and me were fucking and I think we both busted a good nut just watching that video alone.

COCONUTCAINE: THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES

Anyways, the girls looked good and the fucking was the shit and most importantly the girls looked like they enjoyed it. No, fuck that, I know them bitches was loving those dicks. But umm, fellas, I‘ve got a question.

Let’s say you and yo boy got this bad chick BAD: meaning she looks hella good. Anyway, you and yo boy got this bad chick and she wants to fuck you both at the same time, I mean, literally, the same time: Yo dick and his dick in the same pussy, rubbing each other, touching, his balls bouncing off your balls, him nuttin' on yo dick. Umm, would you be down wit that?

I mean I ain't no dude but I wouldn’t be wit that shit. I mean that’s just me though. But can I get some feedback here? I gots to know.

Anyway, the porno is the shit. The fuckin' and suckin', suckin' and fuckin' is great. Shit I might have to, um, borrow me some Lexington. So fellas grab a roll of toilet paper and sit back cause watching this shit you going to beat yo dick like it owes you money. Enjoy.--MS. NIGGA PLEASE

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THE BLACK BASTARD #6

Anabolic Digital

Rating: FOUR & A HALF "JA, FUCK ME, JA" BUSTED NUTS

Fan-FUCKING-tastic!

If it wasn't for his enormous cock I'd try to hug him and tell him all about how he enriched my life with his Black Bastard series and subsequently weep at his feet in shame and lack of manhood. Damn that thing is scary.

THE MAN

SOOO scary that like tranny hooker-picker upper EDDIE MURPHY so eloquently said, you'll be screaming, before too long: "THE NEGRO DICKS ARE COMING!! THE NEGRO DICKS ARE COMING!!!" Just like me. And Paul Revere.

But...BUT, even if I were to overcome my fear of that huge horsecock-looking cock that cocks up and down with a life of its own, I still wouldn't be able to hug the bastard. Damn that thing will most definitely get in the way and most definitely WILL impale me like a fucking Dutch shish-kebab.

So yes, IT IS FUCKING HUGE.

So...SO, what does a man do with a huge fucking cock when there are sluts in
abundance who all yell out "IT WILL FIT!" and happily throw themselves onto his cock without shame or death cries? He impales them like fucking slut shish-kebabs. He most definitely does.

You Americans always use this expression "wouldn't touch that with a 10-foot
pole." Well LEXINGTON STEELE says FUCK IT and fuck it he does, WITH his 10- foot pole.

THE MEAT

OCEANE, PROMISE, HONNEY BUNNY (oh come on!), so many sluts that willingly get fucked by STEELE that it could almost be classified as gore. I'm still waiting for one slut to, say, POP and start bleeding all over the couch. Prime jerking material I tells ya.

LEXINGTON STEELE, I salute you…

AND fucking fine fuckslut ENVY MI who totally kills, making all the other sluts
weep at her feet in shame and lack of womanhood. Holy Moses her body is so
fine, her mouth dirty and extremely loud (even though PROMISE reigns supreme in this flick, ever hear a pig get slaughtered?) and most of all, she fucks like the scene is the last chance for her to fuck ever again, and by that we mean, get turned into a fucking ENVY MI shish-kebab.

She deserves a whole busted nut and a half for being the absolute creamy highlight.

The other 3 busted nuts go to Mr. STEELE and his XXXL meat stick, the fucking
hilarious comedy titbits in between the scenes and the accent of HONNEY BUNNY.--THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

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A GOOD SOURCE OF IRON #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Nuttin' But Nut" BUSTED NUTS

Covergirl GIA PALOMA blows some chunks in the bonus footage. And I don't mean fat dudes.

Her vomit has a gloopy texture and greenish tint. Think chewed, day-old steak wrapped in spinach. With wasabe sauce. Or mellow coconut oil.

Mmmm.

Anyways now on with the review.

Basic scene synopsis:
1) Guy jerks into girl's mouth.
2) Several other guys jerk into girl's mouth.
3) Girl holds cumulative pecker-juice in her mouth.
4) Girl swallows cumulative pecker-juice in one gulp.

With this...I have issues.

The payoff in a swallow movie is the moment when the girl swallows. Right?

Of course it's fucking right.

THE BEAUTEOUS GIA PALOMA SANS THE VOMITUS

Ergo, would not the erotic content be improved several-fold if the girl swallowed each load as she received it, straight from the tap? That'd give me, us, payoff after payoff after payoff after payoff repeated 113 times as per the number of swallowed loads in this movie.

Plus -- the root of my issue -- the single-swallow is something I can relate to. Sticking my bell-end in a girl's mouth, where it lolls about in the twitching, dying doob of six other dudes, before I squirt my own doob in? Hunh? I can't relate to that.

And frankly it's gay. Gay as a frank.

What's NOT gay: GIA "A real women knows how to swallow" PALOMA. She's the hottest chick here. How hot? So hot I can say that even after seeing her puke.

AURIANNA. She's hot too. From Montreal and has that fucked-up French-Canadian accent where every word sounds like she's either telling me to fuck her or asking, "What would Brian Boitano do?"--MR. XTRA

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THE STUNNINGLY STUPID SHIT OF THE WORLD ISSUE WHEREIN IT IS REVEALED THAT THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF HOMOS, OR FRANCE, HAVE MADE TOM CRUISE HONORARY MEMBER, PLUS MUSIC BY A RAPPING DAVID HASSELHOFF & A SCAT SINGING DUO OF KATE HUDSON & COURTNEY

If you don't think that everyone in the world has gotten stupid enough to mistake bowel movement for brie how do you explain this cocksucker named MIKE LA VELLA?

"I AM THE PATRON SAINT OF EXCREMENT EATERS EVERYWHERE"

NEWS ORGANS IN AMERICA ON HIGH ALERT CODE ORANGE: IS TOM CRUISE SHAVING HIS BODY OR NOT?

WHAT?!? WHAT, THIS?! THIS AWARD THAT'S NOT MINE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT. MAYBE HOLDING IT FOR YOU? AND YES, PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION AT ALL TO THE FAT CLOWN NEXT TO ME

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Hollywood hunk TOM "I'M STILL NOT GAY" CRUISE has vociferously denied reports he sucks cocks, many and often. He's denied and denied and denied this spurious and scurrilous allegation regardless of his just having won the NATIONAL ASSOCIATION of HOMOS award for Most Hairless Man Who Denies His Man-Loving Ways.

According to a source quoted by that journal of record, THE NEW YORK POST, Cruise was seen accepting the award in a toilet stall in Griffith Park. The source alleges, "Tom was very gracious in accepting."

However, Cruise's representative Leeanne Devett says, "This is the first I have heard of this. Tom would not be part of this homo-award-giving trend."

HASSELHOFF TO BECOME A RAP STAR

MY FIRST RAP IS GOING TO BE ABOUT THIS PHOTO. I'M GOING TO CALL IT: TOM CRUISE!

SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Former BAYWATCH "actor" David Hasselhoff, due to his overwhelming commitment to AL JOLSON, is being transformed into a rap superstar -- by "pal" Ice-T.

The two men have formed a close friendship after becoming neighbors in the mean streets of Los Angeles's BELAIR, and Ice-T is determined to not only show his "homie" love, but the world that there's more to Hasselhoff than meets the eye.

IF YOU MY NIGGA LEMME HEAR YA HOLLLLLLAAAA!!!

Ice-T enthuses after ignoring the great dope world dictum regarding getting high off your own supply, "The man is a legend of talking car, beach running proportions. And we are going to show a whole new side of him." The masterplan to turn Hasselhoff, 51, into the new Eminem will begin later this year when Ice-T produces the singer/actor's new record.

Ice-T continues, "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff -- I promise you."

No one anywhere at all could be reached for comment about any of this who was not already and immediately struck dumb.

KATE HUDSON AND COURTNEY LOVE COLLABORATION SMELLS LIKE IT TASTES: SHITTY!

I AM NAKED, I AM NAKED. AND THINKING ABOUT POOP!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Actress Kate Hudson has become so obsessed with her 15-year old son's soiled diapers, she plans to record a song all about it. Hudson and rocker husband Chris Robinson admit, in something that should never be admitted in sane society, that her offspring's constant flow of waste keeps her in high spirits.

She tells Vogue, "Poop is my new obsession. I'm going to do a recording of all poop songs. Which is why I contacted Courtney."

I AM ELMER J. FUDD. I OWN A MANSION AND A YACHT. OR AT LEAST I USED TO

COURTNEY LOVE, who

1) has nowhere to live in Los Angeles
2) is bunking with former New York Times pop critic Neil Strauss because
3) she can't go back to her own home since
4) her daughter Frances Bean is living with her court-appointed guardian, because
5) Love is a train wreck
6) so Love is bunking with her old pal and pornographer Strauss.

Strauss appeared in a porn movie shot while he was researching his biography of smut star Jenna Jameson.

Whatever.

AS SEEN ON SKULLGAME: TRANNIES!!!

The producers of There's Something about Miriam placed newspaper ads soliciting for men who wanted to participate in "the sexual adventure of a lifetime". Men who were "up for anything" were invited to apply. Six "prospective Romeos" were then spirited away to a villa in Spain (aka "seduction HQ") and required to compete for the hand of their Juliet, a Mexican model named Miriam. But there's the rub: Miriam indeed has it all, including breast implants, testicles and a penis. Miriam is a pre-operative transsexual.

TITILLATION

VCX

Rating: FOUR "For Old, Old, Old Time's Sake" BUSTED NUTS

We was at this strip joint once. Hunkered down in our seats, watching the show, just doing like thousands of other goddamned Americans and enjoying Thanksgiving when lo and behold we spy Jimmy's old lady. She was junked out and sliding from lap to lap in some tattered lingerie with a cancer stick jammed in her piehole.

"I'LL NEVER DO HARDCORE!!! I JUST DON'T NEED TO."

Now a few years earlier, she had been a virtual fucking captain of industry. Had her own company, a bunch of employees and whatnot, but a few handshakes with heroin later, she was gnawing paste for fun and profit.

But mostly profit.

And so it was with a mixture of dread and delight that we watched her work her way through the crowd soon to come face to face with us and the crushing fucking reality that, irony of ironies, she was indeed A PROFESSIONAL PASTE TASTE TESTER.

A hard fucking reality if you were expecting something else from life.

So it goes with TITILLATION, noteworthy because it features one of the great loves of our porn life, the hot bitch KITTEN NATIVIDAD. She of the Russ Meyer movies. She of the mainstream movies with CHARLIE SHEEN. She, who we interviewed, for the first issue of HUSTLER'S BUSTY BEAUTIES and to whom she said, "oh well I'll NEVER do hardcore."

Well, never say never baby.

OOOOOHHHH YES YOU DO. NOW SAY HELLO TO MR. JAKE STEED.

A divorce, a summary $85,000 judgment and a brief affair with SCOTT FAYNER was all that was needed to get her to spread her ass for fucking on film. And to make it even worse, which is to say, BETTER, because she was aging by this time, they filmed her all in the same filmy lens they use for BARBARA WALTERS and even put younger broads in scenes with her and insofar as possible chose NOT to film her face.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

And, OH, how we enjoyed every minute of it. Her wizened maw mumbling sweet nothings around a mouthful of cock. Her plundered ass. ALL of it. Because? Well, because she'll always be our 22-year old angel baby, no matter. That's the way it is with your first love. Now FUCK OFF and leave us to our fantasies.--VINNIE ROSE

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KEEPING IT REAL

Video Team

Rating: TWO "When The Girl-On-Girl Is The Best Scene You Know You Got A Problem" BUSTED NUTS

When does "Keeping it Real" go wrong?

Well, first and foremost if you’re looking for fine bitches or good-looking guys this is NOT the one for you. HOWEVER, if you want chicks with rug burns, bullet wounds, snappy nappy pussies, laughing their goddamned asses off AND you don’t mind seeing the same guy through out the entire video, then this IS for you.

OK, OK, look, for the most part there is just straight up fucking going on in this vid which is ok, HOWEVER, me, personally, when I watch a video I want to see some serious dick sucking, some nutting in the girl's face, some ass fucking, some dick sucking while the guys nutting, two guys and one girl, I mean some straight up FUCKIN'....I don't even mind the fact that they used condoms but when he pulls them off to bust in her mouth, shit, have the girl looking like she loves it.

Damn.

The girls acted liked they were scared of the dick. Like it was some nasty ice cream or some shit. And in one scene I thought the girl was actually going to cry. Shit, I mean she sounded like she was. Not to mention a couple of times the camera man didn’t know whether he wanted to shoot the wall or the fucking.

What the fuck?

I mean I’ve seen some amateur pornos and I have even made some but at least my pornos and most of the amateur pornos that I seen have one thing in common: "THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ENJOYING IT!"

So if you guys want to jerk a good one, put it on mute, or fast forward to the girl-on-girl scene and get yourself a good nut!!! Or two. As for the makers of this film why don’t you come to my house and film me and my man and we’ll show you some real grown FUCKING.--MS. NIGGA PLEASE!

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COME ON AND TOUCH ME

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: 3.5 "So Fucking Pretty In Pink" BUSTED NUTS

Ever wonder what it would be like to fuck Molly Ringwald?

How about Molly Ringwald’s slut ass sister, the one with the General Equivalency Diploma? Yeah, how about her?

Well kick back, pull up a chair, and strap in for a bumpy ride.

Set in the pristine California foothills (the ones in Burbank), this is a perfect location for these dumb bitches to let their guards down and pin their legs up, and where you will see aforementioned sister in the shape of the super cute PASON.

THE UNREGENERATE SLUT NAMED PASON

Poolside fucking? Check.

Outdoor pounding? Check.

The two finest red heads in porn today?

THE UNREGENERATE SLUT NAMED MOLLY RINGWALD

What the fuck do you think?

This one is a good one from jump fucking street.--ITALIAN SAL

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FUCK DOLLS #2

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR "Razor Burn Be Damned" BUSTED NUTS

In this era of uber-differentiated porn genres (coming soon from Red Light:
LEFT-HANDED GIRLS WITH RIGHT-HANDED GUYS #1), here's something they didn't mention on the tin: this's a damn good DVD if you like shaved pussy.

And I love shaved pussy.

Five out of six chicks are entirely bereft of crinkly hairs. And the sixth, she's got such a light sprinkle of crinkle you'll need a sharp eye and a hard dick to spot it.

In this era -- uh, same era -- of ass-mangling ass-porn it's...erm, surprising... to discover only one out of six girls (brace-faced gaper MELANIE) does anal here though.

Is that a problem?

Of course it's a fucking problem.

CRIS TALIANA BEING FUCKED BY MR. MARCUS. WELL.

But where there's a problem, the smart find a solution. And it's to my...yeah, surprise...and cock-throttling relief, that NAUTICA THORN, CRIS TALIANA, MYA LOVELY, and LILY THAI all send down regrettably non-anal yet emphatically nut-busting scenes.

Especially LILY THAI. She squirts in piledriver and gravity takes effect to give her a slick coating of her own it's-not-quite-piss.

Special note re: ASPEN STEVENS. She has one of the meatiest pussies I've seen. We're talking labia the size of lamb shanks. You'd see similar-sized
things hanging on meat hooks at a butcher's. Oh. And her tits are good too.--MR. XTRA (less gay) formerly THE DUDE (in retrospect, he decided too gay) formerly MR. XTRA (at first seemed gay) formerly MR. X (was very gay no matter how you cut it)

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A SKULLGAME-COURTNEY LOVE EXPERIEMENT: WOT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE ALOTAO UNIDENTIFIFIED PILL AND THEN WRITE THE RANT: THE TRUTH!!!! PLUS J.LO HITS NEW LOW AND BRITS ARE FAGS

When your so-called fucking friends look like this...

...YOU TAKE MYSTERY PILLS AND JUST HOPE THEY'LL GO AWAY

CANNES THE BRITS MAKE A GOOD FUCK FLICK?

LIGHTS, CAMERA...NOW QUICK, BLOW ME!!!!

CANNES (SkullGame) -- A British film with half an hour of real sex has premiered at the Cannes Film Festival to a wild chorus of yawns. 9 Songs shows a couple in several steamy positions--the monkey in the pipe, the kiss of an angel, and the timeless ass master--for more than half the 65-minute flick.

Stars Kieran O’Brien and Margo Stilley — who have real-life partners who will believe just about anything if you slap a price tag on it that says ART — had not even met before being cast as the only characters, said a breathless producer interviewed by phone on a SkullGame-Stolen credit card.

"It's not porn because there's no abusive sex — they play a couple in love," he said, completely heedless of the fact that he just described every production house in San Fernando Valley.

And he defended the raunchy scenes in the film that had no script and was largely improvised by saying: "Sex books are explicit, so why not films?"

Because you limey fuck, you suck, that's why.

SOCCER STAR DOES SOMETHING...LIKE ONE THING...THAT ANYONE ELSE IS EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN AND THAT'S? PORNO!!!

A SOCCER PLAYER IN AN ALL-TOO FAMILIAR POSITION

A Euro soccer player, which is nearly synonymous with RAVING HOMOSEXUAL, named ADRIAN MUTU was lured into a sex trap by a blonde porn star. He was secretly filmed enjoying three fuck and sucks with Penthouse centerfold Laura Andresan, 27, at an apartment in his native Romania.

The wild sex sessions had been set up by a newspaper that had a camera in the window of a nearby apartment.

A BRITISH BALL HANDLER PAR EXCELLENCE

Despite ALL prevailing evidence to the fucking contrary, the now-divorced Mutu, 25, said yesterday: "I didn’t think she was that kind of girl. If I had, I wouldn't have gone with her. She is a low quality woman for what she did."

And you, sir, are a soccer playing sausage smoker.

The ho Andresan, herself a former journalist, has starred in a hardcore film called WEEKEND ON FIRE, and teamed up with the best newspaper in England to pull off the sting.

Slut.

NO FUCKING WAY THIS FUCKING BITCH IS BACK IN THE NEWS

YES. YES. I AM, IN FACT, A COMPLETELY UNREGENERATE MEDIA WHORE. WHY DO YOU ASK?

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- JENNIFER LOPEZ's new lover, and now officially THE STUPIDEST MAN IN NEW YORK, Marc Anthony has put the singer's former fiance Ben Affleck to shame, a feat of almost Herculean proportion, by buying the rich bitch a ring even bigger and shinier than the other totally unnecessary bauble, the $1.2 million six-carat pink diamond engagement band, she ganked from apple-liking Affleck.

[We at SKULLGAME, in an editorial aside, wonder how he liked them. The apples, that is.]

J.Lo has been spotted all over New York showing off a new eight-carat clear diamond on the middle finger of her left hand, a present from her new Latin chart star beau Anthony.

Although pals insist the new band isn't another engagement ring, they claim Anthony was determined to give the twice-married star a bigger ring than Affleck. Because he is so GODDAMNED STUPID.

A source says, "This (ring) is to tell the other guys--Negro rappers, fag actors, hapless dancers, mexican valets, the chuchifrito man, or just about anybody else--'Yo step off. This bitch is my bank roll.'

"Jen and Marc didn't want any of that colored diamond shit, either. That doesn't match half her outfits," the source concluded while a nation loaded its guns.

black hole 03

RYAN CONNER'S WEEBLES WOBBLE
BUT THEY DON'T FALL DOWN.
Jules Jordan's ASS WORSHIP #2

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=73532

DRUNK, SAT, AND FUCKING FTUPID

A drunken airline passenger who asked a man to "step outside" for a fight during a flight was jailed for three months yesterday. LEE RUST, 30, whose name shall be held up to wide infamy, admitted being drunk and disorderly after drinking a bottle of vodka before and during an EasyJet flight from Alicante to Bristol. The shipbuilder began abusing passengers 20 minutes into the 40 minute flight and offered to take one of them "outside" for a fight, Bristol Crown Court was told.

JAILHOUSE WHORES

Blue Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Big Bolshi Groodies" BUSTED NUTS

"So. OK. My name is Perry. I guess Vinnie decided to call me Perry the Greek. Which makes sense. Why he brought his fucking laptop to visit me in the joint to show me this video I'll never know. I mean it's not like I don't have enough trouble without him pimping me out. Um, how much time you got on this tape."

"More tape than you got time."

"Yeah. I got plenty of that."

"When are you getting out anyway?"

"As soon as my asshole lawyer can convince that asshole DA that I never knowingly sold any STOLEN vehicle to ANYBODY."

"So. Another 10 months then?"

"Yes. Asshole."

"So'd you like that movie I just showed you?"

ANNA AURELIE GETTING SOME JAILHOUSE COCK IN THE EXERCISE YARD

"A jailhouse video with French whores who DON'T have cocks fucking and sucking their way to freedom? This is very possibly the GREATEST FUCKING VIDEO I'VE EVER SEEN!!!! Or at least since I been in here. Deprived of the companionship of the opposite sex. Deprived of their...soft...touch. And the smell of perfume...and the lilting laugh from down the hall and a tossed turn of the head and...well, and...a cock sucked by someone who does so without a shiv held to their throats and well...well....can I see some more of it? I mean just to really, um, get the full sense of what's going on here? You know just..."

"Time's up."

"Goddamn it."--PERRY THE GREEK from ELMWOOD

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DEEP INSIDE VANESSA DEL RIO

VCA

Rating: FOUR "Holy Fucking Snappers" BUSTED NUTS

This movie, quite frankly, has it all.

Cossacks gangfucking a Puerto Rican chick. The self-same Puerto Rican chick getting cuckolded by her rock and roll husband. The Puerto Rican chick's mother who looks remarkably like some fat white broad all done up like Aunt Jemima and talking some antebellum slave shit that sounds nothing like Spanish.

IT ALL.

WHEN SHE SUCKS A COCK, BELIEVE US, IT STAYS SUCKED

And on top of it all. Or INSIDE of it all. Or DEEP INSIDE of it all you'll find a one Ms. VANESSA DEL RIO. Yeah yeah, she's a legacy player, a future hall of famer. Yeah yeah, she got a clit bigger than some of youse got cocks but this movie is a classic take on why she deserves to be there. AND it's a walk down motherfucking mammary lane with ERICA BOYER and LOIS AYRES.

The touchingest of all touchingly cocaine fueled scenes? When Vanessa stands in the doorway watching and crying while her flourescently festooned and lycra'd "husband" roots down on two sluts.

It gets no better than that.

Take 2...rails of that crazy 'caine, and call us in the morning.--VINNIE ROSE

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BIG NATURAL TITS #11

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Big Bolshi Groodies" BUSTED NUTS

You remember Mr. Luigi?

Jesus, fuck, how could you not remember him? Or rather how could you forget him? He was the JAIME GILLIS character in probably some now fully illegal TRACI LORDS video.

So yeah, yeah, yeah he was a FICTIONAL character but still it was a character of perfect storm proportions: an Italian gardener with a Popeye mutter and a Jaime Gillis-esque contempt for the whole fucking world.

Well CHRISTOPH CLARK is the French version of that. Except without the contempt.

And his muttered prelude to BIG NATURAL TITS 11, while not as genius as Mr. Luigi, got me grinning at the outset and kept me grinning through the appearance of three Eastern Euro Knob Queens. I was still grinning when Jean-Yves LeCastel showed up with two dudes in dresses, high heels and masks, a situation that normally would spark a tranny terror issue of such significant proportions that I'd not be able to continue.

THE FAKES: AN INSULT TO OUR COLLECTIVE INTELLIGENCE

But continue I did and despite the unexplained presence of those dudes dressed like chicks it was all hard fucking the way hard fucking should be delivered: high and tight up the middle.

With? You got it: BIG GIANT FUCKING NATURAL TAY TAYS.

And not the fucking FAKE ones either. The BIG, REAL ones that usually inhabit the chestal areas of women who are incapable of uttering the words "No. I couldn't possibly eat another piece of marble cake."

In other words: BROADS WE FUCKING LOVE.

And there are a LOT of them fucking WOMEN!!! Getting Ike Turner worked.

Our personal fave? The Baltic BRIGITTA. She can't suck cock that well but at 22, what do you expect? And she is that rarest of all creatures: a skinny bitch with mugging jugs. Swinging and udderous mugging jugs. I mean real fucking goddamned cliffhangers.

THE REALS: I WUV YOU MOMMY!!!

Like Russ Meyer once said to me, "It's a well known fact that I'd rather play cards then to deal with a flat-chested woman." Now I don't feel this way personally. I mean any tit without clothes on is a good tit to me, but seeing all these non-aerobicized, non-meth-habitized bitches, well, it just let's me know: that everything's going to be ALRIGHT, America!!!--VINNIE ROSE

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STACK 'EM DEEP

Slappin' the crap out of EVERYone!

Just for fuckin' FUN!!!

207401

BIG ASS ANAL HEAVEN

West Coast Productions

Rating: TWO "TOO Big, Ass Cheeks" BUSTED NUTS

"Oh, Wow! Is this the Collector's Edition?"

What the fuck makes this a Collector's Edition? Is it a Collector's Edition the way something featuring train wrecks and automobile accidents would be freakishly interesting?

I don’t know.

I found myself strangely and hypnotically fixated at the width of these fat bitches' asses. It was crazy. Girls with names like German Chocolate and Ghetto twins, obviously a witty reference to her more than ample Christmas hams belted to her waste.

With that being said, hypnotic fixation aside, this movie, for me at least, was cathartic to say the least.

As much as I like the shit by West Coast Productions, sometimes shit is...well... just shit.

The Asses were just too much for me.

Nuf said.--ITALIAN SAL

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HARD TIME SHE MALE

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Factory Produced Trannies" BUSTED NUTS

    
Are you a straight guy who likes nubile, eurotrash pussy in dime store barbie doll bondage? 

Or maybe you're an under-fed preternatural pool boy who likes to be pushed around by caked-up trannies from the Cass Corridor?

Perhaps it's just that you like to skullfuck your old lady with a kitchen garbage bag over her head while stepping on your house tranny's head and
tugging on her choke chain?

If any or all of this is the case, then this movie is for you!

Are you scared of Nacho Vidal?  No?  Well you fucking should be.  This pug-faced personal trainer to the Sicilian Mafia delivers a punch with Hard Time that'll knock you three sheets to the wind.  If this was a war movie it would be called "Sleeping With The Enema" and would bring a whole new meaning to fox
holes and trenches. 

NACHO VIDAL WILL SOON WEATHER A RATHER SHOCKING SURPRISE

Only the strong will survive, and if tranny sausage, pimples, razor burn and foundation bother you, then stick with the first and last scenes where Nacho saunters in like a Spaghetti Western surfer to demand satisfaction in two languages.  And it is here that you will find the kind of hot trannies that might be mistaken for your evening's entertainment in a darkened bar.

Damn, Nacho has covered a lot of ground: trannies fucking fags, chicks fucking trannies with strap-ons, men fucking chicks, fags fucking trannies, trannies fucking chicks...and not a hole was missed. Plus a lot of spitting and sucking with plenty of face and ass slapping thrown into the mix.  Not to mention the most amazing cum-drenched sphincter break dance I've ever seen captured on film.  The only thing that comes close is the brain bug's mouth in Star Ship
Troopers.

But hey, don't let me spoil it for you, this really must be seen with your own eyes.  Whether you're forced to cover them and cower in a corner or
you're beating your estrogen-soaked beef steak so much your titties get hard, nobody walks away with dry eyes. 

Shit, you never know who might just decide that banging a cigar huffing hermaphrodite from Barbados ensconced in the tattered remains of Santa's lingerie ain't so bad after all.

RECOMMENDED READING:  Mama Black Widow by Iceberg Slim--TOOT SWEET

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ROCK 'EM, SOCK 'EM, IT'S A BLAST! I'M GONNA COME HOME AND KICK YOUR FAT, SLUTTY ASS!!!

Yo Vinnie,
I got into an argument with my girlfriend while we were driving down the freeway in my van. In the middle of the argument, she grabbed the steering wheel and I almost spun into the side of a bridge. She's pretty strong and wouldn't let go until I punched her off of the steering wheel? Now I'm looking at 10 months in lockdown. What the fuck?--J.L. (by email)

JESUS RETURNS TO EARTH TO SLAP THE FUCK OUT OF CHERYL TIEGS

Dear Punching Judy: REAL MEN NEVER HIT WOMEN!!! Don't you know that?!?Well unless she's trying to crash the van. Or unless she's coming at you with a knife. Or a ballpeen hammer. Or that statue of the Virgin Mary that you got over by the bookshelf. Or if she fucks a German pornographer while you're away on business. Or if she doses you with acid, steals a few of your leather jackets and the rest of the drugs that she didn't dose you with leaving just enough so that there's something there for the police to find while you wander barefooted around the lawn talking to handpuppets. But outside of that IT'S NEVER OKAY TO HIT A WOMAN. Ride your 10 months out like a man and stop complaining.

TRICK OR TREAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BOTH?

SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

IN THE LITERARY WORLD WE CALL THIS FORESHADOWING

OK. Let's get over the grade school ew-factor. Let's get over the whole gay factor. Let's get over the whole two huge big giant hairy sweaty balls and cock on your girlfriend factor and just MOVEEEEE ahead...to the total genius that is TRANNY TRICK.

See the joke is Random Guy gets seduced by Beautiful Woman who, it is later revealed...that is much later...that is much too much later...is a Dude With Tits.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

GET IT?!?!? YOU FUCKING GET IT!?!?!

Yeah. Us neither.

So listen to Fucking McGruff the Crime Dog: if something seems too good to be true...it probably is...a Dude With Tits.

THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES

VCX

Rating: FIVE "The Devil Made Me Do It" BUSTED NUTS

I'm on a goddamned mission from God.

I know, I know I might have led you to believe that I was finished with the vintage shit last week when I reviewed the great STACK EM' DEEP but alas no. It's like the fucking degenerates course work 101 of how our balls became so big. It's the rosetta stone of fuck flicks, all of this vintage shit. It's a slutastic snapshot of how exactly our cocks have worked for the last 30 fucking years.

And in that goddamned regard it is invaluable.

Which brings us to THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES. Made back when porn was still trying to pitch itself as useful (health films) or useful because it was artistic (erotica), THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES follows the post-suicidal-death affairs of a one Miss Jones, a spinster who did herself in because life held no joy for her.

GEORGINA "EYESHADOW" SPELVIN SUCKING COCK LIKE HER LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. WHICH, IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS FLICK, IT FUCKING DOES.

She's met at the Pearly Gates and....wait a minute...hahahahahaha....I just said "PEARLY." Uh, anyways, she's told that the fact that she never put herself in the position TO sin meant that her level of experience wasn't great enough for them to decide if she should go to heaven OR hell. So, in essence, go back and live.

And she does. Especially if by live you mean suck and fuck and fuck and suck your way through an army of angry cocks.

So far, so good.

Until the end when of course she meets Damiano, I believe, as the Devil who tells her that she is IN FACT in hell and her punishment is to always seek but always be denied fulfillment. In other words, she can fuck as much as she wants but she will never be able to CUM. Forever. And ever.

Cue: long wailing scream.

End of movie.

Genius.--VINNIE ROSE

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GIVE ME GAPE

Acid Rain

Rating: THREE "Great Taste, More Filling" BUSTED NUTS

Slapping. Spitting. Choking.

And assholes worked like fucking Mexican day labor.

Sounds like Saturday night at my crib.

Minus the Pontiac SR2435 antenna, my preferred model for its superior styling, concealability and rust-free ass-stinging performance, of course.

GIVE ME GAPE. Goddamned right. White broads getting fucked like white broads was going out of style. All KINDS of white broads. A bunch of them first-name-only white broads like VANESSA and STEPHANIE (even though I suspect Vanessa got some ching chong in her). Bunch of them, ah, two name kind, name of SHAYNA KNIGHT, JAIMIE BROOKS, RED HEAVEN and VICKY VETTE.

VICKY VETTE: THE WORST CASE OF TALKYITIS WE'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. WE RECOMMEND MORE COCK. APPLIED HOURLY. TO THE MOUTH-AL AREA.

Oh yeah yeah, Vicky...Pumping like a fucking turbo vette. Her look--big ass, fake tay tays, bleached blonde hair--makes me think of 1999 all over again. She busts in on gay bodybuilder LEE STONE as he takes a shit in a sink and calls it a bidet. That was a great line and this scene is like goddamned GREAT....if only there was some way to shut HER the fuck up.

I guess there is. And it's called the MUTE button.

But lemme go back to SHAYNA KNIGHT aka the HEART and goddamned SOUL of this flick. She's the kind of Ho I like. No, no, no, make that LOVE. She starts out kind of slow. Semi-seeming sort of like reluctant. Like "yeah, I'm going along with this shit, but I'm getting P-A-I-D." And then by the time the plundering penii of dynamic duo, escaped Nazi STEVE HOLMES and the Panamanian strong man MANUEL FERRARA, start to go pole vaulting she's moaning like, well, like I was turning her ass OUT.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's well made and shit, but the money move in this flick is on Shayna and if they did one thing right it was tell her "nah, baby...I guarantee you. You're going to go farrrrrrr in this bidness. You could even be a star even like, uh, like, well...PARIS HILTON."

But so, yeah they got all kinds of white broads in here doing what white broads do: fucking and sucking. And that's good.

Oh yeah, they even got one white broad in there, and this show's y'all how talented these fucking filmmakers are, who appears to have been a dude not too long ago. BRIJAYE LOVE.

Fine by me if you want to use them galboys. Just put them in a tranny video, yo.

MAYBE WE'RE JUST BEING A LITTLE FUCKING PARANOID. OR MAYBE NOT.

Outside of that...well is there really an outside of that here? Nah. Pretty much the party comes screeching to a halt when I gotta watch four sets of nuts bouncing up and down on an ex-dude. I mean if I want a prison picture, well I'll rent one.

You motherfuckers mark my goddamned word: NEVER USE THIS NEAR-DUDE AGAIN.

Now if you excuse my ass, I'm a'going back to SHAYNA to kind of cleanse my motherfucking palette.--CORNHOLIO

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CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: THREE "Does Anyone, Anyone At All, Buy The Whole Fucking Lesbian Thing?" BUSTED NUTS

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. Yeah. Great movie. Tom Hanks. Leonardo DiCaprio. About a con man running from the police and shit. Great. Got the popcorn. The In-Laws are over.

Great.

And so it starts. Oh. Here's a girl named is Rose. I don't remember much about her being in the movie. She is Asian. And, apparently, she is a slut. Something is either dreadfully wrong or DiCaprio is no longer a momo because this girl is very horny and the In-Laws are leaving. Yes. There seem to be tears and harsh words being spoken.

And now they're gone.

Now where were we? Oh yes. Rose the Asian slut who is evidently willing to work a lot at being a slut. By this measure I think it is safe to say: she is a good slut.

And she's not alone. Two boy-on-girl scenes and one girl-on-girl.

Hunh? Oh, is she cute? You bet. Is she a squirter? You better believe it.

And so while I wait for Oscar-award winner Tom Hanks, I take note of the fact that the very cute MONICA SWEETHEART, MASON STORM and Gia Jordan are in this goddamned movie. They are daring us to catch them if we can. Well, let me give you a bit of advice: you better pull up your pants before you start running.

MONICA SWEETHEART GETTING MOUTH TO COOCH RESUSCITATION

Why?

Because you're going to fall and they won’t stop to help. They may stop to laugh, but not to help. Trust me, I am still nursing bruised leg and ego.

But I digress.

This movie is extremely hot, apparently has very little to do with Tom Hanks and DiCaprio and alienated my broad's folks. Who could ask for anything more? Oh. And stay tuned for the sequel: SHE RAN, BUT WE RAN FASTER--ITALIAN SAL

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HE AIN'T FAITHFUL. HE'S FUCKING HUNGRY & WEAK!

Men are more likely to stray if their partners are slim, a survey has found. Men with skinny wives and girlfriends could be interested in appearance alone--and on the lookout for someone even more attractive. In contrast, seven in 10 faithful men prefer their women size 16 or over. Nearly half of more than 1200 men questioned in the survey admitted cheating. Most of those had slim partners.

STEVE HOLMES' PERVERSIONS

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: THREE "Seven Fucking Minutes Before We Fuck?" BUSTED NUTS

Only in America.

Only in America could a fucking lederhosen sporting kraut like STEVE HOLMES get to fuck down on fine ass bitches, film it, and make more money from it than the rest of us will see in a goddamned year.

But STEVE HOLMES' PERVERSIONS?

AND WHAT'S BECOME OF THE OLD ONE?

Let's talk about ITALIAN SAL'S FUCKING PERVERSIONS and how while wine gets better with age...single malt whiskey, cheese all get better with age... Italian Sal's fucking orgasm does not. I mean does having to wait through girls writhing around by themselves while you stand, or sit, cock in hand eagerly awaiting some kind of fucking or sucking make the movie somehow better...or worse?

I would have to say...worse. I don’t need to see chicks move around like they’re in the strip club. I need to see chicks sucking sausage so get to the goddamned fucking...now!

WITH THAT SAID, STEVE HOLMES' PERVERSIONS offers up seven very sexy whores doing everything from Double Penetration to everyone’s favorite, Double Anal. Featuring slut of stage and screen, the NEW GangBang Girl ARIANA JOLLEE, once you get past the very long intro to her scene, you will literally wear the skin off your dick jacking to this one.

JACKIE MOORE? WHY YES, THANK YOU.

Also featuring jerkus maximus JACKIE MOORE and sometimes Director Jewel De’Nyle I can guarantee you that with your remote control handy and a tooth pick jammed into FF, this will be a nut tuggingly, perversely Steve Holmesesque good time.--ITALIAN SAL

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ONE ON ONE #3

Red Light District

Rating: FOUR (or 8 Depending On Viewing Speed) BUSTED NUTS

Welcome to the ball-buster of the porn industry right about now: Brazil!!!

Brazil: home of the fucking hottest chicks on earth that come fully loaded with thongs and beach house settings decorated with a Copa Cabana color scheme. Girls that are so fucking smokin' that even the ugly ones look great with a random cock, or five, shoved in their mouths. And so long as it's not YOUR pole plundering the plagues of Pandora's box, you're good to go.

So sit back and let the snake punching begin.

To: hot, sweaty bitches that look like they're absolutely loving this shit...even when they're getting fucked by a pimply-ass, semi-gay, AWOL ROTC frat boy, neo-hippy drop-out with Sailor Jerry tattoos.

To: our fucking genius discovery that if you're a modern man on the get up and go go go and your time is valuable like money and you wanna speed the video up to get the most out of it in the shortest period of time it doesn't get LESS hot.

No.

This video is two, four, or even eight times greater when sped up to two, four, or even eight times the normal viewing speed. This gives the girls an extra compelling, orgasmically distressed grimace, complete with that we're chewing on a huge wad of cum gum look. Who knows what they're saying (probably not fucking much), but when I sped up the video two times and played it backwards I swear I heard the lyrics to "Papa Don't Preach."

WARNING: If you watch this video at normal speed after doing this, the girls look like retards on Ecstasy.

Note: This is a good thing.--TOOT SWEET

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SKULLGAME TRIES TO BUY DRUGS FROM LUKE FORD TO CELEBRATE THE PARTIAL LIFTING OF THE PORN-ANTINE WITH TOM SIZEMORE AND MARIAH CAREY BEFORE FAYNER JUMPS FEET FIRST INTO A FULL-ON GEORGE JONES DUST UP WITH TAYLOR RAIN!

"I'm perfectly willing to KILL anybody who things they're tough."--VINNIE ROSE to his Ex's current sausage

HOW'S IT FEEL TO WAKE UP MORE THAN ONCE A DAY?

ABORTED DRUG BUY SOURS AN OTHERWISE EXCEPTIONAL DAY

GOAWAY MR. ROSE!!! WE HAVE NO HEROIN FOR YOU TODAYYYY....OH. GOD. I'M SOOOOO SLEEPY...

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- Despite repeated calls to LUKE FORD'S Scott Fayner, MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME's VINNIE ROSE failed to score the requisite "supplies" for his "friend," as all of his usual connections came up dry and panic struck.

"It was fairly clear," opined unconcerned Senior Editor ITALIAN SAL, "that his enfeebled attempts to get Fayner on the phone to just 'chat' were as unbelievable as that 'friend' crap especially since as is well known: Vinnie Rose has no friends."

"Maybe I should just try again later," said a still hopeful Rose.

19 SUCK SLUTS AND THEIR SAUSAGE COUNTERPARTS RELEASED FROM HIV QUARANTINE

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY WE'RE FREE TO LICK AS MUCH GENITALIA AS THE MARKET WILL BEAR AT LAST

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY (SkullGame) -- Nineteen adult movie performers have been removed from a voluntary quarantine list almost a month earlier than expected following an HIV outbreak that shook the multibillion dollar porn industry and halted most film production, it was announced yesterday.

While the release was not wholly unexpected the industry celebrated in the only way that they knew how: unbridled fucking and sucking.

Here's hoping for a rapid return to business as usual.

SLAPPY SIZEMORE VIOLATED PROBATION

OK...LISTEN KID. YOU TAKE THE BLUEPRINTS FOR MY WATERBED OVER TO THE POST OFFICE. THEY'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Controversial Hollywood slapper of the stage, screen and hallway closet TOM SIZEMORE has violated his probation terms imposed for abusing his former fiancee Heidi Fleiss, a prosecutor said Monday.

The actor, 42, allegedly tested "dirty" for methamphetamine in March, according to defense attorney Mark Werksman.

Sizemore was sentenced in October to six months behind bars on misdemeanor charges of harassing, annoying and physically abusing former Hollywood madam Fleiss during their two-year relationship.

While SKULLGAME expresses it's heartfelt sorrow for the Slappy's meth monkey we wondered if The Slapman might flow us his connect.

CRAZY BITCH MARIAH CAREY'S THIGHS FRIGHTEN

I'M WALKING MY DOG...WHY? WHY DO YOU ASK?

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Singer and ill-tempered and slatternly lunatic MARIAH CAREY has proved it takes more than showing a bit of flesh to woo a man during a recent night out, when the object of her affections ignored her raunchy advances.

The scantily clad pop star was partying with a female pal at New York's Marquee nightclub Tuesday, when she spotted a hunk in the crowd and "invited" him up to the VIP area to "hang" "out".

But, TOM CRUISE was left less than impressed when Carey suddenly decided to lift up her skirt to dazzle him with a flash of her bronzed and jellied thighs, thatchy bush, and her gaily decorated tampon string.

Without warning, CRUISE fled. When later reached for comment he said only "I'm NOT gay."

LUKE FORD'S SCOTT FAYNER FIGHTS WITH EX-WIFE TAYLOR RAIN

SHHH...WE'LL WAKE UP SCOTT!!!

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY (SkullGame) -- She, ill-advisedly, moves into the apartment upstairs post-divorce. She, of the urine mouth, fucks men upstairs. He, the addled Ex, spends sleepless night after sleepless night listening to her fuck her new meth connect. He gets enraged, throws her out.

The moral of this story: VINNIE ROSE needs drugs.

HOW YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT GOD HATES YOU

Most of David Reimer's tragedies have been well-documented: how his penis was burned off during a botched circumcision, how doctors tried surgery and hormones to make him a girl and how the experiment went horribly wrong. But only his friends knew the 38-year-old Winnipegger was agonizing over yet another personal catastrophe in the months before he committed suicide last week.

CANDY GOES TO HOLLYWOOD

VCX

Rating: FOUR "Here I Am And I'm Back Again" BUSTED NUTS

Yeah. Fuck that. If VINNIE ROSE ever knew what was goddamned good for him he'd never ask questions like

1) What the fuck are you looking at?
2) You and what army?
3) and, Oh, is that more vintage porn you got?

That's right. I'm smoking the pole of shit that was made back when most of youse was still just nut sauce.

CANDY GOES TO GODDAMNED HOLLYWOOD!!!

And the best part about this flick....I mean outside of the fact that it stars THORA BIRCH'S mom, CAROL CONNORS...yes, yes the CAROL CONNORS from DEEP THROAT but the BEST part about this flick is WENDY O. WILLIAMS from THE PLASMATICS shooting ping pong balls out of her pussy and sashaying around while a CHUCK BARRIS imitator and an Unknown Comic with a bag over his head ate shaving cream and....what? You don't fucking believe me?!?!

CAROL CONNORS AS SHE APPEARED IN DEEP THROAT BEFORE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD AND FUCKING SQUEEZING OUT THORA BIRCH

Listen, this is how they used to make movies back then? What with all that shit I keep telling you about--the ludes and the coke and whatnot. I mean this flick is a goddamned documentary and it even features fucking AMPUTEE sex.

AND the totally buxotic blonde CAROL CONNORS, not to be confused with the fucking fat mick CAROL O'CONNORS, is a coconut squeeze queen.

Believe it.

This movie will fucking roast your brains. Watch it for an explantion in total as to why your parents are fucking wacky packs.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

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SESSIONS #6

GWEN MEDIA

Rating: ONE "Take Those Pussy Clamps And Shove Them Up Your Ass" BUSTED NUTS

GWEN MEDIA pops off once again with some shit that just makes you...think.

Not about philosophy, or politics, but more like WHAT THE FUCK, DEAR JESUS!

Call me old fashioned but I just don’t get this shit, I mean, who the fuck wants to watch TWO hours of some bitch wearing a latex mask and being probed with surgical tools? While I can understand the morbid curiosities behind such a spectacle, I cannot comprehend why anyone would watch this with the intention of shooting the Ol’ Liquid Kids all across the room. Much less subject themselves to more than 15 minutes of such video diarrhea.

I AM IN THIS MOVIE. AND I LICK SHOES. I AM AN ARTIST.

Ok, ok, ok. I know our fan base here at SKULLGAME is mostly composed of desperate kinds of criminals, near criminals and individuals for whom copious amounts of porn is a cherry on top of an existence that is sodden with strange pussy, but come on now. Is this tripe really worth the effort and physical
workout that one must endure for a quality jack session? Well if you said
"YES," then shoot yourself in the face.

All preconceived expectations aside, the sound on this fucking BLOWS!

For the first 20 minutes I didn’t think there was sound at all. So I turned my
TV up all the way the fuck up only to get JACK SHIT! Hey assholes! Buy some fucking boom mics! I don’t know what GWEN MEDIA’S problem is with having half-decent sound, but I do know if these buttholes don’t get their shit together soon they will, sadly, go the way of disco.

As far as I’m concerned, GWEN MEDIA is the VIVID of fetish flicks. So until they can prove to me that they put out quality shit, then I will slander it just for the sake of....Well, because I fucking feel like it. In other words, GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER BITCHES!!!

I swear, a monkey in a tuxedo could make better porn.--HABIB

Buy it NOW!

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WET BETWEEN THE THIGHS 2

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: 4.5 "Freshly Moistened" BUSTED NUTS

Do you like sluts? The kinds of sluts who, ah, just slut around and slutty slut slut slut? How about when they are such slutty little sluts that you know even if you were to meet them in some back alley abortion clinic you'd soon be sausage deep in slut spit? How about if Vinnie paid me per use of the word, slut?

Well, man, this flick is full of such like little sluts. Not since RIO CARNIVAL ORGY #3 have I seen such a blatant and straightforward display of

"Guess what!?!"

"You are a little slut and you are gonna get FUCKED!"

Lemme tell ya folks, this ain't nothing you bring home to your wife when she pops off with that "Oh let's be reckless and rent a porno" shit. Save this motherfucker for when her ass is gone.

SLUTS AHOY, CAP'N!!!! AYE, AYE NAUTICA!

And goddamned if NAUTICA doesn't steal this whole show by letting everyone know that 18 year olds can do it better than some seasoned professionals... which, of course, makes it quite obvious that she has been fucking weeelllll before her 18th birthday. Make no nevermind, Nautica displays a skill (I haven’t figured out exactly what it is yet: a gift? A talent? A curse?) that is not only mind-boggling, but just shows you beyond any reasonable shadow of a doubt what a little unregenerate slut she is.

I’m willing to bet that not even a year ago this broad was fucking and slut sucking during lunchtime-broom-closet-gangbangs next to the school cafeteria. And NOW look at her now!!! She has hit the BIG time! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The only thing that could really make this better is some bukkake, an amputee, and a big fat line of coke. And I mean A BIG FUCKING LINE OF COKE!!!!--HABIB

Buy it NOW!

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"IRAQI HAZING INCIDENT TOTALLY BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION," SAYS MEAN GIRLS STAR AND PENTAGON SPOKEPERSON LINDSAY LOHAN IN A SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. "I MEAN, TOTALLY."

It's just a load of fucking bullshit to make our side look bad and shit," says teen sexpot.

HOLDING COURT AT A CONGRESSIONAL INQUIRY, LOHAN WOWS REPRESENTATIVES WITH HER PNEUMATIC RACK

BUSH ADMINISTRATION STUNG BY RECENT CRITICISMS CALLS OUT CONGRESSIONAL "FIXER" LINDSAY LOHAN

"I AM A DELTA TAU DELTA AND LOVING IT, SIR!!!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SkullGame) -- The abuse of Iraqi prisoners by American military guards is "a stain on our country's honor and reputation" but will not deter America's mission "to bring democracy and stuff" to Iraq, President Bush pledged Saturday.

However when a nation called bullshit on that obvious line of crap the Bush administration's big guns, KAREN HUGHES and KARL ROVE called in the BIG favors.

Enter: One MS. LINDSAY LOHAN, star of stage and screen and political patron saint of lost fucking causes.

Though the president had gone on to say that the abuse and sexual humiliation of prisoners in Iraq's notorious Abu Ghraib prison "was the wrongdoing of a few" and should not reflect on the thousands of U.S. military personnel "who are serving and sacrificing in Iraq. And besides they were only simulatin' sex acts. Right now in every jail in the goddamned U.S. of A. you have good men and women who don't have the luxury of their rape being SIMULATED."

Interrupting the Commander in Chief, Lohan, however, in a strategic spin that had even veteran insiders stunned into admiring silence said, "Listen, I don't know all of what Poofy is saying here," with Poofy being her pet name for President Bush. "But when the boys of Delta Tau Delta start a pledge drive well watch OUT!"

"OLLIE OLLIE OXEN FREE!!!!!" THOSE PHI DELT KIDDERS ARE AT IT AGAIN

"I remember this one time my Lil' Bros in DTD had caught this Phi Delt," Lohan said. "And they just tarred his ass and...what? What you are looking at? Ohmigod. Is there spinach in my teeth? Ohmigod. Oh...you're just staring at my boobies. That's okay."

"Our mission in Iraq will continue," Bush said.

And despite "a difficult few weeks ... our forces will stay on the offensive, finding and confronting all the killers, terrorists, Phi Delts, Alpha Delts, Zetes, Sigmas and Betes who are trying to undermine the progress of democracy in Iraq," said Bush.

"Totally," said Lohan.

SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE: LINDSAY LOHAN SPEAKS

STOP, STARING AT MY BOOBIES!!! SERIOUSLY!!!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SkullGame) -- It's not often that SKULLGAME gets to go political but CORNHOLIO, in the know on all things White Broad-ish, got a line on this broad through his homie MICHAEL BROWN, son of former Secretary of Commerce RON BROWN, and set up this brief phoner in which we got to ask about how this teen sensation became a political fixer, her new movie and our sausages.

SKULLGAME: Yo. Lindsay? Heyyy...nice to talk to you but we know you're busy so we'll keep it short: how the fuck are you going to help the Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight?

LINDSAY LOHAN: You ever notice how your toes always have that crooked one that's all kind of waaahhh...???

SG: What? OK. Next question: Fraternity stunt? You gotta be fucking yanking our chains?

LL: You sound cute. Did you rush? Ohh...lemme guess...Zete?

SG: Hey listen....why don't you come back to our room for some Jager shooters, roofies and a few rolls of high speed Ilford film and let's call it an interview.

LL: WOO HOO!!!

NOT TO BE OUTDONE, JOHN KERRY ENLISTS THE AID OF AURORA SNOW

I'VE BEEN STUDYING THIS SHIT IN SCHOOL. WHAT?!?

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY (SkullGame) -- Assumed Democratic nominee, JOHN KERRY, in his radio response to the Bush-Lohan Defense as it is coming to be known has enlisted the aid of media friendly AURORA SNOW.

"I could go on," said the presumptive nominee. "But why the fuck bother? So I've enlisted the aid of MS. AURORA SNOW to explain to the American public the concept of going to hell in a handbasket."

"Thanks, Johnny," said a giggling Aurora Snow. "OK. This thing below is a handbasket."

WOULD WESTERN CIVILIZATION LIKE A RIDE?

"And this here, below, is where you all will be riding in it together."

HI. NICE TO MEET YOU. DID BUSH SEND YOU AND THE REST OF AMERICA? GOOD, GOOD. GLAD TO HEAR IT.

"Hope that all makes as much sense as Lindsay did."

TA TA.

AND NOW FOR FATHER'S DAY: NICKY'S DAD!!!

A double amputee was arrested at his Brooklyn nursing home after he was allegedly caught raping and beating another patient - a 78-year-old bedridden grandmother, police said. The suspect, Samuel Irving, 43, a new patient at the Greenpark Care Center in Fort Greene, was discovered by a staffer sexually assaulting the elderly woman as she lay helplessly in her bed at around 8:30 p.m. Friday, a hospital official said.

JUST OVER EIGHTEEN #9

Red Light District

Rating: THREE "Love That Teen Pussy" BUSTED NUTS

Ah, YOUTH. And what youth wouldn't be complete without, you got it, TEENAGE PUSSY. You remember that don't you? Sneaking into her room, trying to make sure her parents didn't catch you. Avoiding the inevitable police dragnets afterward? Ah, YOUTH.

Anyways, here is another wheelbarrow full of LEGAL teenage pussy from our friends at Red Light District. Featuring super cute RYAN STAR from Phoenix, Arizona, this movie is "throw a sheet on the couch in the rec room" good.

TWO, TWO, TWO MINTS INTO ONE. ESPECIALLY IF BY MINTS YOU MEAN COCKS

Jam packed with loads and loads of pussy plowing, this little film by the oft-maligned DAVID LUGER has got something for everyone, Blondes, Brunettes and even a Latina, all of whom are getting stuffed by all the cocks Red Light District has to offer.

Great story?

None to be found.

Exciting locales?

Nothing more exciting than your friend's couch.

This movie is good because the girls are beautiful, the fucking great, and above all, the fact that Busty BRITNEY MADISON takes two dicks in her ass at one time. Now THAT'S entertainment!!!--ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/203824.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

STRAIGHT A STUDENT

Where smart chicks suck good dick!!!

205453

PIN THE COCK ON THE DONKEY

Yo Vinnie,
I red [sic] the email you send [sic] to my old lady. If I ever catch you writing her again, I'm going to find somebody to make you wish you'd paid attention when I told you like I'm about to, fuck off.--unsigned (by email)

I WILL NEVER LET KATHY WOOD SUCK MY WOOD AGAIN...PSYCH!!!

Dear KATHY WOOD'S Boyfriend: I understand your extreme displeasure and discomfort at having the specter of me, VINNIE ROSE, plowing your old lady while you're at work at that laundromat where you eke out a meager existence, the pennies from which you use as a defense again prodding cocks like my own, but you have misidentified the problem here which is, how to put this? KATHY WOOD's extreme hankering for Italian Sausage.

As long as she's sucking, I'm sausaging. Fuck you. Send whoever you need to.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS

VCX

Rating: THREE "How Many Nuts Is One Woman Worth? Well Now That Depends" BUSTED NUTS

OK. I finally hit vintage fucking film Waterloo.

Which for you ignorant motherfuckers means I crossed the Rubicon and was invaded by the fucking Visigoths on their way to the Dardenelles. In other words, while we all knew it HAD to happen, I'm as surprised as anybody though that I finally crapped out on what is usually unqualifiably considered not only a porn classic, but a generalized CULT classic.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS, we hardly knew ye.

THE GUY WITH THE BALD SPOT? YUP. THE HIGH SCHOOL QUARTERBACK.

Sure it had all the elements...

1) the broadly jokey humor ("Hello Mr. Hardwick!!!")
2) the chicks that you'd pay to keep their clothes on under other circumstances sporting a full on Allen's Carpets' worth of shag just about any place you'd be likely to find shag on a human body and
3) a plot and a premise that you are supposed to find terribly droll (cheerleaders doing ODD jobs to make money for the football team)

...that I fucking hate.

Man. And not only that I was transported back in time to the time when I had to lie, cheat, steal and sneak my underage ass into a theater on 42nd Street that decided that THAT was the day that they were going to enforce their age limits and so I had to watch the flick from the jizzed out floor of the theater and wait and wait and wait for some fucking worth writing home about.

Believe me this was a labor of love for which there is no modern corollary.

And yet....and yet....it still holds some charm for me, despite the seasick memories of misspent youth. And these are all due to two things.

The broad that gets fucked in the library and motherfucking BAMBI WOODS.

SHE'LL SUCK YOUR DICK LIKE SOUVLAKI

My belief is that we develop personal things for pornstars based on women that we've personally fucked or always wanted to fuck. In person. This a simple calculus that goes thus

JOSEFINE = TRACI LORDS.
NICOLE = JENNIFER WELLES.
And JESSICA WILSON = OLIVIA = BAMBI WOODS.

And I just ACHE to think of BAMBI OLIVIA JESSICA with their collective mix of trailer treasure, ivory snow ass and cock gobblage. BAMBI OLIVIA JESSICA doesn't fuck much in this flick even and in fact she only fucked in like one other flick, DEBBIE DOES DALLAS 2, which smacks of left over footage though not having yet seen it we don't know. But she is hot and insofar as BAMBI OLIVIA JESSICA'S fucking is the kind of fucking that makes you want to do scant else OTHER than fuck, well for this alone I'd usually slap this with a quick FIVE BUSTED NUTS.

But, Christ on a crutch, watching the rest of the flick just reminds me of jujubes and jiz and a 42nd Street that no longer exists. So it's clearly a deal with the devil: you gotta get this to see her, and you gotta SEE her, but don't expect much from the rest of the flick.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/16855a.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ASS TO MOUTH

Python

Rating: THREE "Who Here Misses The Spice Girls? Anyone? Anyone At All?" BUSTED NUTS

Many years and loads ago, Batman and Robin, I mean BUTTMAN and
ROCCO, ventured to England and made some good porn. Rocco More Than Ever Parts 1 & 2 still resonate in my mind and, more deeply, in my nuts.
Decade later, this dvd lets us see if the Brits have learned from recent
history.

Alas, they have, but totally the wrong fucking shit.

Take the scene with CAT -- a sexy-enough probably-mulatto. There's ass in her scene, certainly, she has one. But there's not much "to mouth." Only some pre-cumshot head. Prior to which you struggle to see which hole -- ass or pussy? -- the dude pulled out of.

People, this is not how it's done. Not when an ass-to-mouth theme is
promised on the tin.

So as a genre release (ass, meet mouth) this one stumbles. It's apparent the
makers have not mastered their craft. So then what remains is whether the girl on display does it for you or not. And like, whether you'd sooner shoot your spoot over Posh first, THEN Baby, or Baby first, THEN Posh. Or possibly, Baby then Ginger then Scary then Sporty then Posh. This is subjective.

I'll award the girl-of-the-dvd nut to EMMA. She's a bit chubby, but I've done worse.--THE DUDE

Buy it NOW!

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NEXT STOP: EXPLOITED FUCKING MOMS!!!

A patch that helps middle-aged women rediscover their sex drive could soon be commercially available. Intimate SM1 was tested for 24 weeks on U.S. women with an average age of 49 — and it increased lust by 74 per cent. They also reported a 56 per cent increase in orgasms. Intimate SM1, which may be available next year, also helps menopausal women have more orgasms, the U.S. study showed.

WELCOME TO THE SKULLGAME HATE ISSUE WHEREIN OUR VITRIOL WILL SUBSUME THE DECENCY OF A NATION IN A MIASMA OF BAD VIBERY, DRUG BURNS, AND GENERAL FUCKING HOSTILITY

YES. YES. YOU'RE OFFICIALLY IN HELL NOW.

AND OUR NEXT TUNE IS...YES, THE TUNE WE JUST PLAYED...AGAIN!!!

HOW GODDAMNED STUPID AM I? VERY. VERY GODDAMNED STUPID!

WANT TO FUCK ME NOW?

ASSHOLIA (SkullGame) -- BRITNEY SPEARS, can add to the lengthening list of the ways in which she offends the gods, her total refusal to learn, a trait of higher animals, from her goddamned mistakes. Which are legion. While husbands can be erased as easily as a check can be written, tattoos are much harder to remove, especially when you are stupid, and the singer has messed up YET ANOTHER ONE of hers.

DICK EATING IS A VERY SPIRITUAL PURSUIT

The 22-year-old has had a series of Hebrew symbols etched into the back of her neck in an act of devotion to Kabbalah, the mystical form of Judaism she was introduced to by another dumbass, her grandmother, MADONNA.

But when quizzing the first baffled Jew she ran into, she discovered amidst smirks and uncomfortable throat clearings, that the symbols are absolute gibberish.

Says a source: "She had hoped it would say new year or new era. It seems she's got the words the wrong way round and so now it just says I EAT DICK."

"She's taken to Kabbalah pretty seriously and this was a big deal for her."

Tattoos, it should be noted, are forbidden under Jewish law.

NO AMOUNT OF HAIR WILL CONCEAL FROM THE WORLD THE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS

However Britters has a history of not being tattoo careful. Which is a nice way of saying REALLY FUCKING STUPID. The Oops I Did It Again singer had a Japanese word scratched on to her hip bone that was supposed to mean "mysterious" but in fact turned out to mean "strange."

SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.

DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": I have been dating this woman for about six months who because of her religious hangups is unwilling to have sex until she is married. She is an ultraorthodox Jew and while I, myself, am also a Jew I consider myself more of a secularist. What should I do?--I Can’t Wait (by email)

I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC. AND NON-FUCKING

DEAR JEW: Oh! What should I do? Listen to yourself will you!

I think you should really respect this Jew broad for having the courage of her convictions, you know to be able to stand up straight whilst the rest the world gets down, legs akimbo. Stick around as long as it takes, satisfy yourself with a steady stream of steamy encounters on internet chat rooms with dudes posing as women, supplement that with a couple of late night rendezvous’ at highway rest stops with girly men and truckers and you will be fine. Before you know it, it will be time for your wedding or briss and everyone will be screaming "Mazel tov!" or "Ole!" or whatever. Trust me, her attachment to her hymen is a mitzvah in disguise. This will give you loads of sex free time to discover your true dancing mincing sashaying self.

Get where I am going with this? Prick.

"IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WILL BE HIV POSITIVE FOR 15 MINUTES. JUST KIDDING."--ANDY WARHOL

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY (SkullGame) -- Following the typical goddamned methodology of a day late and dollar motherfucking short we at SKULLGAME have discovered that Patient Zero in this whole HIV hysteria issue is none other than

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT!!!!

COME AFTER US NOW YOU SUE CRAZY CUNT

Nahhhh...Just kidding. It's BIANCA BIAGGI.

AND YET PARIS HILTON WALKS AROUND VIRTUALLY UNTOUCHED

WE say this not in triumph, but in sorrow. Sorrow that sausage sauce will no longer flow between her lips, that will she will a stranger to man meat, that hers is a future of knitting, macrame and collecting glass menageries.

And then we all woke up. Listen we won't belabor this anymore:

An INEFFECTIVE virus is one that KILLS its host. Viruses MUTATE. HIV has had an uncomfortable detente with people now who have lived upward of 20 years and the research shows that if co-factors are minimized--no crank, crack, coke; no 60 cock gang bangs; no starvation diets--people will live as long as they have thusfar [See: the serial adulterer MAGIC JOHNSON].

Now fucking take it easy you dumb sonsabitches.

DON'T LET THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN WHEELS DRIVE YOU CRAZY

NAKED, JAILED, KNIFE-TOTING TEEN BITCHES UNITE!!!

More than a dozen inmates suffered minor injuries in a riot at Florida's maximum-security prison for girls and young women, which has struggled with staffing problems while trying to help severely troubled young people, authorities said. Several girls were playing flag football at the Florida Institute for Girls on Sunday when three stripped off their clothes, said the man with the hardest job in the world, Darryl Olson, Department of Juvenile Justice regional director.

TEENAGE CHRISTY CANYON

Alpha Blue Archives

Rating: FIVE "This Is The Great Goddamned Science of Sausage" BUSTED NUTS

It dawns on me that this could be one of those things like you have with a friend when they tell you about some shit they like, like say a band. They go on and on about how fucking good the band is, how it means so much to them, how the presence of this band in their life has just fucking changed everything. They go on about it so long that you finally fucking buy in.

And next thing you know: you're at a fucking PHISH concert.

You see what I mean?

My whole recent vintage film fit could just be a goddamned boondoggle of brobdignagian proportion. I mean I could be outta my fucking mind and you, well you'd be stuck with the ragged end of a shitty stick.

But I strongly suspect not. I suspect not because CHRISTY CANYON can BREAK YOUR DICK IN HALF!!!

WHY YES, I DO HAVE PUBIC HAIR. WHY DO YOU ASK?

Don't believe me? LOOK at the facts.

1) she made an old girlfriend of mine sob with shame
2) well, that sobbing thing was enough.

And THIS flick is THE flick because you see Christy had some fucking bad breaks. Some of her best work was with teen queen TRACI LORDS and so has been pulled from shelves and archives. Her work with VIVID was a mockery of a travesty of sham. A shonde. And then her 90s striving for aerobicized hardbody-itis ruined her rubenseque figure, by which I mean her big, giant tay tays.

So THIS is the one. Sure, by today's standards it might be found lacking in like TWO COCKS IN THE ASS action and to some it might feel like a History channel rod ride but the essence of the action always comes back to Christy herself and she...just...fucking...SLAYS me. Believe it.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/137594.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

ANAL FEVER #4

Anarchy Interactive

Rating: ZERO "Maybe It's Me" BUSTED NUTS

There is a short story by Irvine Welsh entitled "Eurotrash," which tells the tale of a UK junkie in Amsterdam and his "adventures" with what he thinks is
merely a bottom-feeding whore who insists on being fucked in the ass who turns out to be, he finds out much later, actually a transsexual bottom-feeding
whore.

Much of this DVD by Corey Jordan embodies that story.

On first glance at ANAL FEVER #4, the first two gals (ANGEL LONG and RHIANNAN BRAY) look like fucking trannies. Great move, having trannies in anal porn. But this is not a trannie video, and like Kevin Smith before him, Mr. Jordan has neither the talent for irony or tongue-in-cheek humor to trick straight boys who are into this kind of shit into discovering that they are in fact not watching chicks but dudes. Hence, I again herein refer to Irvine Welsh.

DUDE?!!? WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!!!!

Nonetheless, the first scene (with British chick Angel Long) is rather average and nothing special save for the sheer awfulness of Ms. Long’s acting. Her attempts at sex talk actually are the ultimate in buzzkill. She might as well be discussing the price of fish in Kensington Market.

Rhiannan Bray’s (the subject of the behind the scenes bonus feature, which only reveals her to be smarter than she lets off) scene mostly involves her being anally pummeled by one of Mr. Jordan’s tan in a bottle buddies with a great huge dick. No matter what she may be implying in her moaning and screaming, Ms. Bray sounds as if she is in the greatest amount of pain humanly possible.

If she’s moaning “ooohhhhh” it actually sounds like “OOOOWWWWWWWW.” Her look of relief when it comes time for the cum shot is a bit too revealing about how happy she is that she’ll be able to shit in a week as opposed to a month. Plus, no matter how much you may like shaved pussy, there is NOTHING SEXY ABOUT RAZOR BURN.

The rest of the video is made up of scenes with three more Brits: Paige, Katalin and Alyssa. Paige, while at least into her scene and most definitely into getting
it in the rear, looks like she was found under a disused magazine rack in Soho and has been more than likely treated for gonorrhea at least twice. The guy
who does her is merely fucking disgusting so the two frankly deserve each other, and to boot neither of them looks like they were much into the idea of
bathing that day.

The same goes for Alyssa, who, while watching her scene, is what made me think of the Irvine Welsh story. Despite her attempts to make herself look “with it, man” (boob job, bad dye job, pierced tongue-God, Jordan just has no fucking
imagination) she still looks like a worn-out third tier hooker on her last go ‘round. I’m sure she was gorgeous when she was 18, but I suppose desperation
can do horrible things to you.

Now, Katalin saves this fucking disaster and frankly takes it like a man. She
fucks the living shit out of her guy with her ass and actually looks like she didn’t roll out from a gutter somewhere. She takes charge of the scene and gives it
her all. This is the only scene in the vid you’ll need to watch.

In conclusion? Buy the Irvine Welsh story (found in the collection THE ACID HOUSE) and use this DVD for illustrative effect. Believe me, you may want to go
out and score some low-grade heroin when you’re done with both. Oh yeah, and somebody PLEASE send Corey Jordan to film school before I have to review another one of his shitty DVDs.--MR. NICKY BALLS

Buy it NOW!

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WHAT WE DID THIS WEEKEND; PLUS, SKULLGAME'S HOLLYWOOD CONFIDENTIAL: HEIDI "HO" FLEISS SUES SLAPPY SIZEMORE, PORN STAR ACHIEVER HUGH JACKMAN, AND SEX CHANGE TURNS MATRIX INTO MISTRIX

WHAT WE DID THIS FUCKING WEEKEND: A SKULLGAME ROUND UP

VINNIE ROSE...as mandated by the fucking courts for a variety of various convictions:

Just say no to drugs, kids, specifically, crack, coke, crank, E, K, acid, uppers, downers, and heroin, and join in on the SKULLGAME Exchange Program, DRUGS FOR CASH, where we make the streets safe again for you, the goddamned youth of America. Now how about blowing me?

ITALIAN SAL

HER...IN THE ASS

STEELY ROB

WENT TO A WHITE SUPREMACY RALLY JUST TO, UM, CHECK OUT THE MUSIC AND PICK UP CHICKS. THERE WAS VERY LITTLE OF EITHER IN ATTENDANCE. IN FACT ONLY THE PICTURED TWO DUDES SHOWED UP. THEY LATER SPOKE TO ME ABOUT TAKING A SAUNA TOGETHER. I DECLINED THEIR INVITATION.

HABIB

DON'T ASK...JUST DON'T FUCKING ASK.

GAY EXPERT ANIMAL THUG

OH NOTHING...WHY DO YOU ASK? YOU BIG SILLY.

ANTENNA-WIELDING HEIDI "HO" FLEISS SUES SLAPMASTER SIZEMORE

"I'M GOING TO JILLIONAIRE LAND!!!" SAYS A SORROWFULLY OUT OF TOUCH SKAG

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Former Hollywood ho runner, chatting snag of beef jerky, and near celebrity skank HEIDI FLEISS is crying poverty and suing her ex, actor TOM "SLAPPY" SIZEMORE, for love taps a bit too firmly applied.

Fleiss, whose sodden life story was featured in the leaden TV biopic "Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss," filed a lawsuit on Wednesday to establish beyond a shadow of a doubt that her Fall portion is far from complete, as she scratches after the last few remaining shreds of income bearing media mongering.

CARRY THE TWO AND ADD THE 700 AND YOU HAVE? YUP...A JILLION.

Claiming the "Black Hawk Down" actor "beat" her at the house they "shared" and destroyed or gave away items belonging to her, including her glass menagerie, hummel dolls, Patrick Nagel prints and furniture, Fleiss is suing for "a million jillion dollars."

HUGH JACKMAN'S PORN PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE

JACKMAN PHOTOGRAPHED HERE WITH DIRECTOR HUGH G. RECTION

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- "X-Men" hunk Hugh Jackman experienced an unconventional introduction to the movie industry -- he starred in porn films.
The Australian screen star -- who's poised to storm global box offices in new movie "Van Helsing" and performed under the name HUGE JACK MAN -- refuses to regret his past in the adult industry, because actors need to grab whatever opportunities they're offered when starting out.

"That was my early career. I did a couple of porn movies. We all start somewhere. I started with BATHROOM BOYS and moved on to HOT COPS and then finally the whole CHOCOLATE PACKERS series. I'm working on another one next month. JAILHOUSE COCK. What's the goddamned big deal?"

DUDE, WHERE'S MY COCK?

THE SOON TO BE COCKLESS WACHOWSKI WITH A SOON TO BE DISAPPOINTED BROAD

MELBOURNE (SkullGame) -- "Matrix" moviemaker Larry Wachowski is reportedly planning a sex change operation, so he can start a new life as Linda.

The 37-year-old's secret life was revealed when his wife of nine years, Thea Bloom, divorced him last year, claiming he is a transvestite who had an affair with a dominatrix porn star called Karin Winslow. Now, according to British newspaper the Daily Star, Wachowski is preparing to take the final steps on his quest to become a woman.

SKULLGAME suspects KEANU REEVES' momofying influence.

JUDY STAR & KYLIE WILDE from PERFECT SPECIMENS

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