A SkullGame Primer On Broads Who Could Count On Our Cocks To Make Their Lives Complete: wherein we offer non-porn charity cases the chance to get fucked by us as it would make THEIR goddamned presently miserable lives totally fucking perfect beyond all reasonable human measure
GABY REESE & ANNA KOURNIKOVA
ANNA POURNIKOVA AND T-BONE SANTA SUNNING IN ST. TROPEZ
They are finely tuned professional athletes, I am a big sports fan. They are strong as hell, I need stuff moved around my garage. They look good in pig tails and plaid skirts, I am a life long learner. Their skin gets dry from over exposure to the sun, I am good with lotions. They date really handsome, symmetrical overly chiseled rich boys, I am salt of the Earth. Real peoples is me. I would be a dose of humility... bring them back to reality. Me and the girls stroll into Sizzler on a Wednesday night. They would be better for it, I am selfless like that. Even let them put the tab on their Amex.
REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS
WE USUALLY HATE THESE ARCH-BACKED MODEL BITCHES, BUT WE'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION WITH THIS ONE
She's now divorced from the very sensitive and almost possibly not gay John Stamos. And she's in every single movie like ever. X-Men. The Punisher. You name it. In The Punisher this former Victoria Secret slut plays a waitress with a heart of gold. Whatever. Come to Vinnie, baby. But bring that beer with you when you come.
GINA GERSHON circa SHOWGIRLS
GERSHON COUNTS LENNY KRAVITZ AS A FAMILY FRIEND. DOES THIS MEAN WHAT WE THINK IT MEANS?
Ms. Gershon was the little girl on the playground who made the little boys scared for reasons they would only come to fully understand by fifth grade, which is right around the time when she became wholly unattainable. With a mouth like that, I shouldn’t have to explain why the Jewess, Ms. Gershon, needs this Latin lover. Only I can complement such a vicious smile. Only I can teach that bird to sing. But to cement the deal, Ms. Gershon has made it abundantly clear to her public that she loves rock’n’roll. Well, The Argentine is rock’n’roll. In spades.
CONDI RICE
SEXY SEXY SEXY. IN THAT JODIE FOSTER SORT OF WAY
I call Pharmacy Matt. He hooks T-Bone up, I spike her drink early in the evening. By 10 pm she is crazy out of her mind. Taking off her panties in the cab, while I talk filthy nasty to her about how I like to turn the sound down and watch her mouth move on the TV. I tell her she’s got a nice mouth like the girl on the Little Debbies snack cake box and she has no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I tell her I will punish her for not knowing, go all Iraq on her and shit and she laughs, half choking on the greasy buffalo wing she's jamming in that sweet big ass mouth.
JENNIFER ANNISTON
STERNO, SUCKJOBS AND SUMMERING AT THE TRAIN YARD
Goddamn it, I hated that fucking show FRIENDS. I mean what about ENEMIES, the show about the neighbors that write FUCK YOU on your front door, steal your newspaper and piss in the elevator not because they couldn't hold it but just because you might get blamed for it. Yeah. That's the show I'd like to see. Starring Jennifer Anniston, Vinnie Rose and The Osbournes.
JESSICA SIMPLETON
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HATE THEMSELVES IN THE MORNING AND I THINK THAT SOMEBODY IS ME
OK. Vinnie Rose can fucking admit it. I don't know her. I don't her work. But I think she's a genius. Even if she is very possibly the stupidest person on the planet. Those wide staring eyes....eyes? Fuck that. I'm still juicing the jugs, coconut style. When she starts doing porn, as she inevitably will, I want next.
JENNIFER GARNER
SHE READS POETRY. TO YOU. AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT RAIN
That girl on the TV show ALIAS...she's got a great looking chin. Flat, unblemished. Smeared with just a bit of left over Hostess Cupcake. Like a little shelf when she is on her back, at the end of my bed, and I am standing looking down at her wearing only my mismatched socks. She says, "I am a secret agent..." and I say, "Did you pick up more Little Debbies like I told you too?" "No, T-Bone" she says sounding afraid and apologetic. I bend my knees and rest my cock on that chin. "Cream filling?" I ask. "You're good peoples, " she says.
BEYONCE KNOWLES
A FUCKING RHINESTONE COWGIRL
Yo. This is just one fucking fine ass white bitch. Fine. Now if you're asking Cornholio's personal opinion I say white bitches don't come much better than this. You sure she ain't got a little black in her? You sure she don't want none?
