MOURNING BECOMES ELECTRA, SAYS SKULLGAME IN A LITERARY REFERENCE SURE TO BE LOST ON EVERYBODY BUT THE FAGGIEST
CARMEN ELECTRA'S TEARS FOR TITTIES PROGRAM
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Starsky & Hutch" beauty and pursuer of multiple sex contacts with crazy Negroes CARMEN ELECTRA now regrets getting her breasts enlarged and bemoans the absence of surgical tech advances that would help her figure out how to make the exponentially increasing juggs even somewhat smaller.
"I'D...I'D GIVE IT ALL AWAY. ALL OF IT. FOR JUST ONE MORE CHANCE TO LIVE A LIFE THAT IS ONE ACT OF CONSTANT GOODNESS. AGGGGGHHHH...I GOT YOU!!! HAHA....MORE COCAINE FOR ALL MY FRIENDS!!!
The sexy actress shows off her 36DD implants constantly and continually in the new movie, on the set, at 7-11, wherever and whenever she sees a crowd forming, but she now wishes she never had the operation, because her bust was big enough already.
Electra says, "I do regret it sometimes, I think I was fine the way I was.
"I had nice boobs before -- they were small, but nice."
"AND I COULD DO ALL KINDS OF COOL THINGS THAT NORMAL WOMEN GET TO DO WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE LIKE BIG GIANT TITTIES AND SHIT.
Electra, generally riven with regrets both large and small, regrets not staying at her last serious job as a greeter at Red Lobster, buying the pearl-colored Rolls Royce instead of the puce, and not having any discernible talents outside of her ability to turn tits into cash.
She adds, "Of course I could have them undone and reduced. I mean when they finally figure out the technology. But my near-homosexual husband DAVE NAVARRO carefully explained to me that without them, um, I got nothing. Go figure."
LOVE SLAPPED WITH EXTRA CHARGE; SIZEMORE PROCLAIMS INNOCENCE
DRUG-FREE...AND LOVING IT!!!
LURKING SOMEWHERE (SkullGame) -- Rock wildwoman, murderess and multimillionaire COURTNEY LOVE is facing yet another charge stemming from her October 2003 arrest -- this time for disorderly suckitage.
The former Hole frontwoman is already charged with being under the influence of a controlled substance known only by its street name, Jiz, and two counts of drug possession of every drug known to man, after officers discovered her skulking outside the home of former lover Jim Barber last year. Though in all fairness it can only be considered skulking if not accompanied by screaming, breast-baring tirades at 3 in the morning.
According to the singer -- the architect of KURT COBAIN's doom -- she was merely trying to gain access to the property, which she claims belongs to her in the alternate reality of MURDERTONIA.
C'MON. JUST OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR A CRACK...I...I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...JUST LIKE KURT. IN FACT VERY MUCH LIKE THAT
Love has pleaded innocent to all charges and will appear in court, the bushes behind MARGOT KIDDER's wood pile, and 7-11, again on April 5 to answer the wide variety of charges.
PARIS HILTON TRIES SCOOBY DOO-ESQUE SCAM TO RECOVER HER FUCK VID: SUCKING SALOMON OFF FOR IT
FIRST PHASE: STUFF COCK IN MOUTH TO TRICK HIM
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Hotel sucktress PARIS HIILTON and her sex tape co-star Rick Salomon reportedly rekindled their love affair at an Oscar party on Sunday, as she tried to cozy up to him long enough to drop some GHB in his drink, break into his hotel room in her hotel, cleverly lull him into a false sense of security by sucking him off long and hard and then stealing the tapes after he passed out in post-orgasmic release, his frothy man-milk dabbed lovingly all over her goddamned chin.
STEP TWO: GET THE TAPES. OR SOMETHING.
The couple -- who shocked the world when film of their graphic romp hit the Internet late last year -- were spotted in a passionate embrace on a shuttle bus transporting guests from Rick Yorn, Patrick Whitesell and Mike DeLuca's bash back to their cars.
An insider says, "Rick was rubbing Paris's leg and kissing her. They were making out on the bus."
THE MYSTERY MACHINE RIDES AGAIN!!! ESPECIALLY IF THE MYSTERY HAS ANYTHING REMOTELY TO DO WITH THE WHEREABOUTS OF MY FUCKING CAREER
And, when the pair got into Salomon's car, party-loving Hilton rolled down the window and screamed, "I would have gotten away with it too, had it not been for you meddling kids. Thank you!"
