Yo Vinnie,
Yeah yeah, I hear all about that prostate shit. But what about all this goddamned ass play. How necessary is that? --Mike Patton (by email)

WHAT IT MIGHT BE

Dear Mr. Patton: I ain't no doctor. For any and all medical help we usually go to THE DOCTOR. And as luck would have it, he's in.

"There are many, many men out there who are afraid of going to the doctor, and no matter what they say, the REAL reason is: they are concerned about getting a finger stuck up their ass. Typically, the run-of-the-mill rectalphobe will get all sputtery and red-in-the-face if you ask him what his problem is vis-a-vis getting his bung checked. He'll start with "AAAh, ya know, it's unh, well am I supposed to LIKE it or something? What the fuck, I suppose YOU look forward to it! WHAT ARE YOU, A FAGGOT?!"

That's usually when the conversation ends, and the hitting starts.

The problem with these guys is that they are 1) irrational and emotional, 2) unable to look at an issue logically, 3) self-centered and narcissistic, and 4) closet cases in full-blown homo panic.

WHAT IT IS. PITY THE POOR DOCTOR.

But a man in the grips of ass-panic doesn't care (that it's not painful nor does it take long to perform), because he thinks that the doctor is gay, or the doctor is a sadist who gets pleasure from giving the exam. The reluctant rat-hole recipient apparently thinks that his asshole is some sort of erotic holy grail for the disproportionately gay medical practitioner population. Your real problem with going to the doctor is that you are afraid that when he sticks his finger up your ass YOU MIGHT LIKE IT!! Well, who is the faggot now?

So here's the solution. Go to the doctor, and when he tells you it's time for your rectal, just say no, you don't feel like it. It really works. He will probably be more relieved than you are. Try not to get your feelings hurt too bad, big boy."--THE DOCTOR