Yo Vinnie,
At first I just mentioned it casually to my new girlfriend -- "I want to blow a load in your face." There was laughter. Later, I said it again, not so much less forcefully but just to make it clear that I actually wasn't joking. Then she says OK. Then she says NO. Then I tell her if she invites me over I plan on arriving, fucking her and then busting a load in her face. I tell her that I have not had a serious relationship that didn't involve loads on the face. She laughs and says, "come on over." I come on over, and went I move up to drop a load in her face she scoots underneath me. I drop it on the pillow. Now I am upset. I mean I have been clear about this, she's been luring me on, and now I am full blown irked. I mean forget the ass, this is out of the question, and even getting her to suck my dick is a chore because she says she has carpal tunnel syndrome. So next time I go over I make my move, she tries to scoot, I put one knee on her chest and the other on her hair, and drop the load. And now SHE'S angry. I was very clear, she was technically inviting, what's the SkullGame verdict here? -- A Load Late, A Dollar Short (by email)

FROM VINNIE'S CELLPHONE: YET, ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!!!

Dear THE SORROW OF THE LONG DISTANCE LOAD: Have we been here? Boy, have we. Actually, I'm asking: Hey....[all turn to me looking bored, hostile]...have we ever NOT blown loads wherever we wanted with great impunity and with great disregard for race, color, creed or nationality?

The SkullGame consensus seems to be, with the exception of NICKY BALLS, who is waaaaay too sensitive for this kind of action, that FACIAL LOADS are part and parcel of what passes for a normal relationship around here [along with eating ass, drinking girlfriend's piss, and a raft of other disgusting sexual practices]. The reasons for it vary widely though. From liking to come in the mouth because of the way it feels and not being fast enough to make it to the mouth [technically, making the facial load an accident], to liking the visual impact, to enjoying returning the sense of taboo to sex in an age where that's all been obliterated, to having absolutely no inhibitions about anything and not really having thought about it all that much at all. These were all reasons given.

When I asked them to render an opinion on your predickament they all said, "fuck you," and went back to putting up posts on Craigslist for cooze. So it's left up to me and I say this: she was more than wrong for having led you down the primrose path. In her effort to have the cake and the frosting and eating the cake MINUS the frosting too, she played a foolish percentage that you would A] forget or B] be sensitive enough to know that she really didn't want this. Though we should guess that her not guessing at your generally low level of sensitivity was her problem.

But have you considered this: perhaps she NEEDED it to happen like this to absolve her of any responsibility for an act that she found erotic though shameful? I boned a woman who told me that she would never speak to me again if I did this to her. One night on El Camino Real, as I stood in the street and she blew me by the open door of her car I did exactly that. She later repeated her threat and not being able to silence myself I said "what the fuck was that the other night?" And she claimed inebriation and about this we have never spoken again.

Whatever.

You did the right thing, however, this relationship is much more trouble than it is worth because from our unofficial sampling there are only 99 percent of the woman out there who will, in the full spirit of joy and fuck, do exactly what you're having to wrestle this 1 percent of broad into doing now.

The math's on your side, my man.

YO VINNIE,
I show up at my girlfriend's apartment and I find her washing graffiti off of the front of her building. I ask her what the fuck she's doing and she answers that she's been getting weird phone calls (?!?). I think nothing of it until one day I'm dropping her off and just the way the sun is hitting where she had been washing I can see that what she had been washing off were the letters W, H, O, R, E. What the fuck? -- What's It Mean? (by email)

"MY...MY...MY GIRL IS A GRONKIE!?!?!" YES, DAVE DIETRICH, WE'RE AFRAID SHE IS.

Dear Last2Know: It means your girlfriend is a fucking WHORE. What? We gotta spell it out for you too?!?!? OK. W-H-O-R-E. Your fucking G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D. Cash. For fucking. I mean presumably there were at least a few other women living in that building too, right? And not a single one of them took it as a personal message or call to action for THEM did they? Didn't see them down there with the Ajax applying handjob levels of elbow grease to getting that shit offa there, now did you? Fuck no. She ain't the landlord is she? Fuck no. She have lots of unexplained income and no discernible job? Fuck yeah? Congratulations, sir, your woman is a whore. An honorable, and one of the oldest, professions in the world. And one that we fully support. Usually $40 at a time. Usually when you ain't home.

Yo Vinnie,
I broke up with my old lady. The reasons are too numerous to go into here. But she's still calling and we still see each other. She's not seeing anyone else either I don't think. In any case she asked me point blank if we were ever going to get back together. I told her if she got her teeth fixed and got a boob job. Then I happened to mention this to a woman friend of mine. I mean that I had said that, and she gave me all kinds of hell. Am I a pig for telling the truth? -- Pig Malion (by email)

NICE BRACES, BABE. WELL YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE. THAT IS, HALFWAY TO FIGURING OUT THAT I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NONE OF WHAT THE FUCK I SAY & THAT I'M COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.

Dear HENRY HIGGINS: A pig? Look...everybody in America's all hemmed in with this alternate reality bullshit which we're all supposed to believe and if we do so, well, everything will be ok. 9/11 and Iraq ARE connected, Jews DON'T work in Hollywood, Negroes DON'T play basketball well, Chinees ARE good drivers. And so here you come, and you tell snaggle tooth what the rest of this America would smother in a lot of "loving you just the way you are" crap and YOU'RE the pig? I don't think so. You're an idiot. Not a pig.

An idiot?!?! Who?!? Wha?!? Why?!?!

Because if she didn't flip out when you said this it means she also lives in that other section of america that largely believes they are totally fucked up if only....if only...if only they had [fill in the fucking blank here]. So she believes you, which is good. What's bad is that she believes you well enough to do what you've suggested meaning you've played yourself into an endgame that may not be to your liking.

I mean what do you do when she shows up with new grill work and big giant tay tays?!?

We advise: bone her 8 or 9 or 32 times and then say, when the time is just right...like when she's daubing the last few drops of your puce offa her pickets, "ah, babe, this ain't working out...I thought it would, but it's not. I was a fool to think that surface modifications could change the beauty that was always there inside of you. A beauty that surpasses all of this other shit you've done to yourself. Shit that, for me, has RUINED the essence that is you. I'm sorry I can't bear what I've forced you to do to yourself. The shame is all mine.

Now, please close the door on your way out."

Check-fucking-mate!

YO VINNIE,
My girlfriend had a problem with anal sex before. She won't tell me what it was but she sort of indicates that she had a "bad experience" with it. She's 24. Is there anything I could say to maybe swing things back around my way? -- JK (by email)

"THIS IS GREAT. UM, GREAT. NO, REALLY. LOTS OF FUN. YUP. YOU FINISHED YET?"

Dear TOOTHLESS HILLBILLY: Anything you could say that might allow someone to allow you to place your pee stick up their poop hole? I don't know. Did you try a cash offer? With or without a gun? Or, perhaps an offer of matrimony? Wait a minute. You didn't say you wanted to get fucked too. Hmmm. Anyways, did you try "the gentle friend"? That is, the errant digit that strays ass-ways and slowly, but surely, clues the unsuspecting to the hidden joys that might accrue as a result of their butt being banged by a sharing and caring fellow such as yourself? Hmmm...Shit. What about singing a song of ass sex? From the business end of a tongue? No?

Well, the reality of it is, that there could be any number of reasons why someone might not like their asshole fucked, and I'm not talking about voting the Green Party. I mean it doesn't feel good, they think it's dirty, they're religious lunatics and thing they'll go to hell for ass fuckery, they don't like YOU and can't figure out why YOU'RE so hung up on doing it, who the fuck knows?

I do know this: if ass fucking is what you want, since our collective numbers here at SkullGame are running about 50/50, dump her and get someone who likes it in the dumper.

Hunh? Wha? Who? Are you really suggesting that I break up with the love of my life for something as simple as her refusal to let me place my entire cock in her anal region?

Yes. Yes I am. Because dating is like a job interview: it ain't getting any better than this.

And flashing forward 30 years: do you wanna be a non-ass-fucking man, THEN?!?!?

Doesn't seem so crazy now, does it?

I didn't think so.

YO VINNIE,
I have a girlfriend who is pretty creeped/grossed out by cum. Doesn't want it anywhere IN her mouth. But that's not my problem because she loves it sprayed all over her face. Good compromise, right? Except sometimes when she's on her knees, mouth open, and I am jerking my cock, and she's waiting for me I can't come. Maybe it's the idea that she's waiting for me, I don't know. I freeze up. She gets tired of waiting and it ends in disappointment for everybody and I can't really explain why and I hesitate to tell her not to do this at all because at this point that'd mean not getting my cock sucked at all, which I like. Advice? -- Long John (by email)

WE'D FEEL PERFECTLY FINE HAVING HER SUCK JUST ABOUT AS LONG AS IT TOOK...IN THIS INSTANCE ABOUT 3 SECONDS...FOR THE LOAD SHE SO ARDENTLY SEEMS TO DESIRE

Dear MR. SILVER: A watched pot never boils and a waiting cock never bubbles?

Jesus, I almost don't know what to tell you. I mean when I was a bouncer I went to take a piss in the bathroom and as I was standing at the urinal I noticed that everybody IN the bathroom at that point in time was someone who I had violently detached from the club at one point or another and for the first time in my life, in contemplating a prison style rape, I got shy kidney, but your problem?

Usually this type of anticipatory anxiety is a model of brain over brawn...I mean the first time I fucked, or tried to fuck, HOT BOX her pussy was so goddamned tight that no amount of cock leverage or spit let me work the crank into her cooze so I became a firm believer in the power of personal persuasion and so your deal of sympathic feelings over her predicament might be allayed somewhat if you know/knew that

1] you have alllllll the time in the world (I mean how much time you invest in eating her pussy? Hours? Hours and hours?),

2] despite your need for a sense of transgression to pull this off, she really WANTS your load on her face...even more than in her mouth....and if you break up the waiting and you jerking with a solid and deep fucking of her mouth she'll be working and not waiting for you to start working and voila pressure OFF.

The other option, the NUCLEAR option?

Is to call us and let us do that thing we do called: helping.

The choice is goddamned yours.

Yo Vinnie,
If a guy is cheating on his wife or girlfriend with another girl, is he a hard-hearted son of a bitch if he tries to deny me access to one or the other by running some shit on me like "I love them both."? -- Starving Over Here

LOOK IN THE DICTIONARY UNDER "BULLSHIT, WITHOLDING SELFISH PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE WHAT TAKES MORE THAN HIS FAIR SHARE OF SNAPPER & WON'T SHARE" AND YOU FIND? EX-FUCKING-ACTLY.

Dear BRIAN SILVER: Well, my answer had started out thusly: LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE, YOU PLAYER HATING PRICK. I mean is there a difference between one and a 1000? If one is not enough isn't it true that 1000 is not too many? Is there some law that says that this fella of large appetites can't feed the needy, without being greedy, if he's got enough to feed the needy with?

Yes. I was going to say that.

Was. Until I read Mr. Two In The Bushes "I love them both" bit. Which means that either HE'S a fool or that he thinks that YOU are. A fool that is. I mean let's look at this thing carefully: he KNOWS that it's possible to really be in love with more than one person at ONCE? So why's he denying the women that he so-called "loves" the option to "love" you?I mean he either believes it or he doesn't. If he doesn't he's just hoping that you will long enough to be convinced to back off. Which means you are being played.

Your strategy?

Fuck them both. And then apologize profusely.

Or not.

The phrase most spoken here at the office?

FUCK THAT GUY.

Indeed.

Yo Vinnie,
In the past month I have been fucked with by no fewer than three angry husbands/boyfriends. For? Varying degrees of involvement with their women. I'm not a fighter. I'm just addicted to OPP. Can these men be reasoned with or do I need to just swear off of sluts? -- Mike The Milkman (by email)

WHEN "PERSONAL TRAINING" GOES VERY, VERY RIGHT.

Dear Me & Mrs. Jones: Nice recall. OPP = a rap band from the early '90s. OPP = Other People's Pussy. Or, god forbid, OPP = Other People's Penises. In any case you got a problem and your problem is: cheese eating pricks whose death grip on the pussy'd have you think that it was a life preserver. Or a fucking cure for cancer. Or the goddamned Hope diamond. And this part of my message is for them: you are sadly mistaken.

And I say, SADLY, because you've mythologized women to such a large and unhealthy degree that you believe the fact that she's freely chosen some other man's penis to make friends with. Repeatedly. And on her chin. Means that you believe you need to give another man grief for that which yourself would gladly be doing if only you weren't in front of our houses with baseball bats.

And this, my cuckolded men friends, is patently INcorrect.

Because when she's out fucking MIKE THE MILKMAN. Repeatedly. And in her butt. You are, of course, free to do the same. NOT with Mike the Milkman, you fucking moron, but with some other slut. Moreover, when YOUR slut returns, riven with guilt like she will be, she'll even let you fuck her in ways that you've never dreamed of. Ways that she just fucked Mike the Milkman, but hey, who's quibbling?

In any case your question: what to do about the raging bulls?

Nothing. Because, you see, it's NOT your problem. YOUR problem is getting laid--where and how much--your problem is not some jealous player hater. So: be prepared to defend yourself, tell no one where you live and stay as far away from her "I'm unhappily married" drama as possible when it doesn't involve her with her pants off.

Thanks for asking.

YO VINNIE,
At first my boyfriend starts admitting to male-on-male sexual fantasies. Then we have a few threesomes with women. Then he suggests a threesome with a guy because it's my turn. But when I see the ad he is writing that he should be "bi-curious." And so he is and he and the guy suck each other off and I think it's hot. But the next few I notice it is less me and more and more him and the guy until finally this past weekend he got himself fucked in the ass and the guy came on his face. I am shocked, creeped out and disgusted. And to top it off I am now six months pregnant. And have no idea what the fuck to do? -- Stephanie Red (by email/text/and crying phone calls to ITALIAN SAL)

MIGHT WE SUGGEST A LITTLE LIGHT READING?

Dear MISS FORTUNE: Is it too late for us to say WE TOLD YOU SO. If you all remember this story was covered in a past SkullGame. At the time we believed our well-placed and timed ridicule would prevent this train wreck of total homo proportions from happening. We hoped for the best, expected the worst and never imagined we'd be there, when the worst happened and it did: man hammering on the backdoor with a facial surprise ending. These things just write themfuckingselves.

When reached for commentary a shocked ITALIAN SAL said "He got fucked in the ass while she watched!!! I cannot wrap my head around that. It's like seeing an alien or something. Your brain cannot imagine it. He had a DICK. In his ASS. WHILE she WATCHED. Can you fathom the consequences of this one action? Via dicks in asses? From 'cutreous' to manhammer in the poop pipe in two months!!! What a love story!!!"

While Sal subsequently and sensitively asked his ex if she wanted to come by to forget her troubles by taking a pipe up HER pooper hole, our advice to this whole sordid little drama will unfold thusly: because you were set up ANYTHING you do from here on out is justifiable. I mean he saw you coming and you'll have a lot better time adjusting to all of this if you remember that this was a Kansas City switch from the word GO. The gingerly expressed "curiosity" in men. The semi-directed invitations to bi-men. And then ASS FUCKING. You were just there to soften the blow, so to speak, baby. The enormity of it weighing too heavy on his pre-homo head.

So what do you do now? Outside of letting Sal fuck your ass?

Get a subscription to THE ADVOCATE, or BLUE BOY, and hope for the homo-best.

YO VINNIE,
I fucked this broad. Then I stopped fucking her. Then I see her in a bar where I'm hanging out with my buddies. So I start making a move on her and my buddies girlfriend comes up and says to me very directly, and this is after saying goodbye to everyone else, "see YOU at the house." The chick who I was aiming to bone gets the hint and fucks off. So her boyfriend seeing the damage that's been done says, "I'll fix it up." So I figure he's going to say, "she's really my girlfriend and she's got a strange sense of humor." But next thing I know I hear him telling her, "nobody remembered...it's my birthday...." WTF? -- Armenian Al Pacino (by email)

COCK BLOCKER VERSUS PLAYER HATING: COMPARE. CONTRAST.

Dear Mr. Pacino: Sometimes player hating fairies work alone. Sometimes they work in packs. But always their purpose is to deny YOU vag, by any means necessary. The question for you, considering that you consider these people friends is, whether they were riding high on a player hating moonbeam and did not know what they did OR, did they, with malice aforethought, choose to deny you poon so that they might later, in post-coital bliss laugh at that which they had presently denied you?

Well, let's look at the facts:

1) a girl who is not fucking you queers the vibe for the one who had plan to fuck you. She did this because A) she wants to fuck you, B) she is randomly sadistic, C) she herself, to paraphrase Jake La Motta, did not know what she, herself, was doing or D) she's randomly sadistic and wants to fuck you and has no idea that this is what she, herself, wants to do.

2) her boyfriend who witnesses his girlfriends silent scream for your sausage gets rankled and decides to preemptively attack. According to the SkullGame Uniform Code of Kooze [SUCK] he could have and would have had to do this even without his girlfriend there.

Your way, according to the extant facts, and along the lines of "Give You Something To Cry About" Parenting, is clear: bone his girlfriend, many ways, many times, and let the chips fall where the fuck they may.

Thanks for asking.

Yo Vinnie,
I have noticed a disturbing trend lately: I am fantasizing about ugly women. I am concerned that this, perhaps, is a precursor to me actually DATING ugly women. I know you're probably the LAST one I should ask, but has this ever happened to you and if so, how'd you stop one from turning into the other? -- Stoney [by email]

"C'MON...YOU CAN'T DUMP ME NOW....I JUST CLEANED THE GODDAMNED HOUSE...."

Dear I-SEE-FAT-BITCHES: Hey brutha, people fantasize about all kinds of shit. I, myself, once fantasized about getting head from Mother Theresa. Only to wake up and realize I was really just remembering getting head from Theresa's Mother.

You see, how that works?

I mean after all one 65-year-old gargoyled up ho is like pretty much any other 65-year-old gargoyled ho. That is to say: I'da fucked them both if given half a goddamned chance.

But this ain't about ME, it's about YOU. Well, first off I'd say, if I was a psychologist, and I'm NOT, but I'd say that you're reacting, just like all the rest of us, to this constant and continual fag-driven fashion world constant of the fine-ass ho standard.

Pretty soon fine assed ho's are like tribal tattoos...everywhere and every douchebag has one.

Pretty soon you start noticing the not-so-slim slut at the Safeway supermarket who is a little too heavy/skinny/tall/short .

And next thing you know your friends are asking "who was that Toucan in a human wig I saw you with last night?"

My point is this: YES, it IS a slippery slope from fantasy to fucking reality BUT it's not such a bad slope to be slipping down because when all is said and done ANY douchebag can get one of these magazine bitches but it takes a conn-o-sewer to deal with the finer and more subtle charms of "THE NON-STANDARD BEAUTY." Also known, in some parts, as the Ugly Bitch, you'll find this old butter-faced monstrosity twice as loyal, half as likely to leave you and happy as shit with just about ANYthing you goddamned do.

And best of all?

Dumping them is just the expected fulfillment of a lifelong fantasy of theirs whereby "this always happens to meeeeee...."

You'd be a fool to do anything else. Mark my goddamned words.

YO VINNIE,
I am fucking a married woman. I think she's turned on by the POSSIBILITY of us getting caught because the few times we've fucked at her house it's always been very close in time, I find out later, to a time when the husband's scheduled to get home. This seems bad for my health but it seems like she fucks better in these situations and so I find it hard to criticize. I've been having nightmares about getting caught though. -- I Can Explain (by email)

"YOUR HUSBAND?!?! WHEN?!?!" MUCH, MUCH SOONER THAN YOU THINK, MY MAN...

Dear THE FUCKER OF MRS. JONES: Of course she fucks better in these situations. You would too if it was the last fucking you might indeed be doing before The Angry Husband comes through the door, firing iron at the ready. In several South American countries though where they've codified into law Player Hating by making killing your wife and her lover a forgivable offense, I'd advise you differently than I would/am in North America where there are entry barriers to murdering your wife and her lover despite how deep down her throat your cock was at the moment of discovery.

But my advice is this: never let ANYONE scare you offa any pussy that rightfully wants to make itself available to you. If dude was working that pussy the way that pussy needs to be worked it'd have never found its way to you in the first place.

In the second, if he's desperate enough of an individual to want to kill you for the pussy he's also probably desperate enough to not be able to weather the six pussyless years in prison you get for involuntary manslaughter. So he might be upset at the moment of discovery but you don't need to be a genius to do the calculating: it's cheaper to keep her.

Of course, post-discovery, she will have to dump you but what the fuck do you care?

Bitches like this will get you killed.

YO VINNIE,
My girl has been promising me the ass forever. Never delivered. The other night, as a prelude to some ass play, she suggested and brought along a butt plug. She shows up an hour late, takes a shower when she gets over, climbs in bed. I ask "where is it?" She says, "where is what?" I say "the butt plug." She says, "it's in my purse but I can't use it tonight because I..." It was at this point that I just asked her to leave. Was I outta line? Five years of this. Am I outta line? -- San Fran (by email)

WELL...YOU CAN DREAM CAN'T YOU? WELL, DREAM & SEND US PICS OF YOUR NOW EX...SAY HELLO TO THE PEOPLE JENNIFER...

Dear CHARLIE BROWN: Sex promises just generally suck, you know? If they forget and YOU remember you seem like a pencil-wielding prick noting sex like markers on a racing card. If they remember and YOU forget [highly unlikely], it seems like your gift of the delicate flower of her ass, a delicate flower with a penchant for outdoor ass sex with guys she barely know that are not you, is not fully appreciated. So it's a lose-goddamned-lose proposition and what the fuck are we talking about anyway? Negotiating for sex acts? I, as a rule do not negotiate with terrorists, and so for me the two step usually goes thusly:

Me: "I wanna fuck your ass."

Them: "Oh, hahah. You know I only like to do that when I'm drunk. And standing in a driveway. In the rain. With my pants around my ankles. On Tuesdays."

Me: "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

You see what just happened there?

If I ask you for a bite of your pie there is only one correct response--yes. Everything else means, "I don't want to do it but will if there's some upside potential for me...like cash. Or delight in your misery when I eventually yank the ass from you."

Do not let this happen to you. Ask for the ass. If you do not receive the ass, never ask again. If it's not ever offered to you again and you feel you must have ass? Leave and find ass. But under NO circumstances should you hang around, a prisoner to the promised prospect of ass. It will never, ever arrive.

YO VINNIE,
During the good times me and the old lady filmed each other fucking for fun and giggles. But now that she's dumped me, she's demanding the tapes and that no copies be made. She says it seems like porno and she "wants to own her image." I say that it's part of my personal history that's really no different than those pictures we took of us on vacation that, incidentally, she ain't asking for. Your take? -- Video Video (by email)

A VACATION SHOT THAT'S ALSO A FUCKING FLICK: AN EXPLOITABLE LOOPHOLE? OR PRURIENT ENJOYMENT FOR SKULLGAME READERS OF ALL STRIPES? YOU BE THE JUDGE!!!

Dear CECIL B. DEMILLE: Well since it's virtually impossible for her to tell if you made a copy if YOU keep the copy we'd say this falls into the philosophical symbolic zone of complete and total horseshit. The kind of shit that kids fucking around in college worry about while wasting their parents cash going lesbo for a semester while studying sapphic strophes.

In this instance though we just ask WHAT THE FUCK WOULD CARMINE DO (WTFWCD)? Carmine used to work out at The Olympia in Ridgewood, and was most known for choosing the unlikeliest option if it advanced his general worldview, which ran the gamut from pissing in hotel vases to having someone suck off his shit-smeared finger at the restaurant where he worked under the guise of "tasting" what he was cooking. You get the idea: a chaos artist. So we called him and this is what he said, "Fuck that chick. She ain't asking for nothing else BUT that? No way. Make a copy, give her the original and if she asks if you did just that say, 'Fuck yes I did.' I mean you're supposed to destroy it? Why the fuck did you FILM it to begin with?

Oh yeah. And then you should post it up at youse website."

Beautiful.

Yo Vinnie,
Do you think a homeless former escort in rehab with alcohol problems should have a child she conceived with another drunken in-patient when she can't come up with the $50 a month rent for the rehab facility? -- Ducks & Ovens

ONE OF LIFE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL SIGHTS: $4000 SPLIT 2 WAYS WITH A PREGNANT GANGBANGING WHORE.

Dear "Dad": Should a homeless former escort in rehab with alcohol problems have a child conceived with another hopeless, worthless drunk while trying to manage the monthly struggle of raising $50 without having to resort to her former high-flying, escortin' ways? You know it's people like you that make me fucking sick. You with your petty moralizing. You with your shop-worn ideas about right and wrong. YOU with your triflingly dogheaded misunderstandings of the economic engines that drive this great country of ours.

Why don't you go fucking straight back to Russia, you prick?

Because while your soft-hearted sentiments might SEEM well intentioned we see something else: dollar bills with wings on them flying out of the window. But walk with me a bit while we wangle some numbers together and try to make sense of this. OK: first of all she didn't hate escorting because she hated escorting, right? Seems like most people who hate being ho's hate being ho's because of the amount of time they have to spend BEING ho's. Eight hours a day being a fucking PLUMBER could be a drag and once you parse the minutes of the day out into nickels and dimes it seems like the gulag.

But what if you could make what you make in eight hours in ONE HOUR? While you sleep!?!? Well, not sleep exactly but what I'm getting at is this: is there any reason in the world that she's not sponsoring gangbangs? Under normal circumstances it might take her 2 days to bone 20 men. But suppose, now just suppose, she banged all of those men in an hour? $4000 an hour pays for lots of diapers.

Because...and this is important...while a man can usually go to most hookers for anything, 99 % of the hookers out there will NOT do gangbangs. If you're a man who wants TO GANGBANG A PREGNANT HOOKER, well the closest you're likely to get is a pregnant hooker gangbang flick. Even if, paradoxically, pregnant hookers don't do gangbangs. So that's one thing you can't usually buy. Until NOW. A PREGNANT HOOKER GANGBANG...$200 a head. For one hour only.

Isn't the gift of life...given 20 times in an hour...worth that much? To you? To her?

I thought so.

Yo Vinnie,
My girl is fucking HOT. Picture enclosed. But she's got a thing that's got me up against it. Nothing turns her on though like? You got it. Gay porn. Which I find disturbing to say the least. Sure, she can do it without it, but there's nowhere near the same kind of intensity. She's often claimed that she's really a gay man in a woman's body. But this is it, it seems. No attempts to fuck me with a strap-on, or make me listen to Judy Garland records. But I just can't hang anymore with the fag fuck flicks. Help. -- H.P., (by email)

NOT ENTIRELY SURE BASEBALL IS MUCH BETTER

Dear MR. LOVECRAFT: Jesus, man. Jesus. What can we say? The only thing that I've even ever come close to like this has been when I was banging this broad at this sex club and looked up and peeped a roomful of dudes jerking their joints to my fucking. Thanks, but next time just throw fucking money or clap, if you know what I mean. But what? I agree, she IS hot. But with all the things that a man has to deal with -- her husband coming home, her giving you the clap, you giving her the clap, her getting knocked up, her not paying you, you not getting it up when she doesn't pay you -- now you gotta factor in creeping cock love and the possible gay contagion?!??!

No, no, 1000 times, NO.

Especially since you ARE gay. I mean why else would you be so fucking panicked by what's on the TV and not this fine-ass broad you're banging? So: break up with her so you can watch your "football player-roman centurion" shit and give me her fucking phone number so's whiles she's watching OPRAH, or AMERICAN IDOL or whatever kind of gay shit she wants to watch, I can watch my load dribbling down her fine-ass chin.