YO VINNIE,
To make a long story much shorter, we went to meet some football players at a hotel and ended up partying with them and next thing I know my girl is sucking one of them off on the balcony. I wanted to do something but I didn't want to get kicked out of the party. We talked about it later, well mostly I cried about it and she said that it was nothing and I should get over it. Since then it's happened with one of the guys in what used to be my favorite band. And one other time with a local newscaster. Should I be upset? I mean more than I sort of am already? -- P.K., Albuquerque, NM (by email)

Dear Huggy Bear: Man, oh, man this is one fucking touching story of a man (not YOU you stupid motherfucker), a cock, a woman, and a pimp with a heart of shit and a noodle for a spine (THAT'S you, you fucking sissy). I mean after the first time of you catching your sluice gate sucking sauce we here at MACK AVE. almost had some sort of feeling veering dangerously close to sympathy for you what with that scenario being an all-too-familiar one for us familiar with having our pipes in the tails of OMHs (other men's ho's) and whatnot.

LOTS OF ROOM FOR SOCIAL ADVANCEMENT FOR A YOUNG WOMAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO USE HER HEAD. AND HER FUCKING PIMP OF A BOYFRIEND

But after the THIRD fucking time, like the joke goes about the guy who keeps getting raped by the bear, "you don't come here for the hunting do you?" You're the worst kind of celebrity fucker, pimp, and excuse for a hanger-on that we've ever seen. KATO KAELIN is DAG HAMMERSKOLD compared to you. But here's the advice you so desperately seem to need: keep your girl from finding out as long as possible that she doesn't NEED you at all and you'll be just fine.

YO VINNIE,
There's this girl who has blown me like 30 times. I eat her out. She blows me. 30 times. 30 DIFFERENT times. Now when I make the move for the cooch she tells me that she doesn't want to have sex with me because it's going to be bad for her to have sex with someone that she's not involved with. Then she goes back to sucking my cock. Until I come. Did I mention that she is 24? Suggestions? -- A.D. (by email)

"I'M JUST NOT REALLY READY TO ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, PUT IT IN MY MOUTH QUITE YET, IF THAT'S OK WITH YOU."

Dear ORAL ROBERTS: Oh, my friend. I feel for you. You're stuck in the Twilight Zone of broads in their early 20s where their brains are making that last ditch attempt at calcifying into a world view that almost sorta kinda works vis a vis things like cock. And their personalities. And shit. Is there anything sort of the nuclear option ["will you MARRY me??!?!!!"] that will get your pole in her hole?

No.

She came to her dogheaded conclusion by way of a SINGLE experience upon which she's basing EVERYTHING now. So, curse the man who ruined everything for everybody after him forever [or at least until she turns 30] or look at things silver lining style: you're getting your dick sucked by a woman who won't want you to go to poetry readings, movies with SHIRLEY MACLAINE in them, or to the store to get her tampons.

I mean if you play your cards right here this is almost perfect. But, of course, it never is really or can be since gnawing at you day and night and night and day is the question: what's the pussy like? It'll start to eat at you like a cancer until each sucked cock mocks you and you'll find yourself driven to the brink of chaos where you start to feel like you'd do just about ANYTHING, say just about ANYTHING and give just about ANYTHING to be sunk sausage deep in that quim.

You know what we call guys like you?

Married.

Be afraid. Very afraid.

YO VINNIE,
I've been reading SkullGame for awhile and I enjoy it quite a bit even being bi, like I am. But's what the deal with all the homophobia? I mean I know a word like "gay" commonly means in hipster circles something lame but that combined with all of the fag this and fag that makes me think you all are what you're most afraid of: fags. So what's up with that? -- Friend And Gay (by email)

ERIK ESTRADA. SUSPICIOUSLY FAMILIAR WITH ALL THINGS HOMO.

Dear MIKE LA VELLA: Why is it that members of the Men's Friendship Society are always assuming the worst political intentions of other teams? Why is it that homophobia, that is, fear of being aggressively ass-fucked in a shower stall at Soledad by some cat named Rex is something that you believe to be an unreasonable fear? Why are guys always trying to Jedi mindtrick Sal via his Craigslist ads looking specifically for BITCHES into various acts of homosexuality? In other words and in great solidarity with our hetero sisters, why are the Friends of Sausage so fucking hard pressed to get it and then so quick to holler homophobia? Listen, Jack, there are some fears that just make sense and excuse us if we choose to shower at separate times than with Rex.

But we dig where politically you're coming from and we have to say, honestly, that any faggotty-assed faggot that wants to spend his days with cocks bumping against his semen-laden lips and NOT fucking bitches who we're trawling for, well, is fucking welcome to it. God love you. But your question was specifically if our humor masked man-loving tendencies? Man-loving tendencies that you apparently enjoy on a semi-daily basis? Man-loving tendencies that you enjoy and are now wondering if we, secretly, also enjoy? And you've been wondering while wandering to a hetero website if we share your fucking tastes?!?!

Well, don't take this the wrong way my friend, but the balls you got on you would solve our problems in Iraq in short fucking order.

Happy sausaging!!!

Yo Vinnie,
I've been messing around with this girl. And just this past week, after three tries on three separate times on three different days, she starts moaning "no, no," right as I'm about to fuck her. So I think she's just saying that. And so I keep going. And then she screams at me to stop. Usually right before insertion. And so I stop. But maybe she has a rape fantasy and just wants me to take over. Yeah?--Busted & Blue (by email)

YES, VIRGINIA. THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS. JUST NOT A VERY NICE ONE.

Dear #23604: Yeah. That's right. MAYBE she just wants you to take over. Mm hm. And, fortunately for you, I have a list of things she wants you to take over. In no particular order:

1) her car payments.
2) her need to appear at a desk behind a sign that reads PLAINTIFF and finally
3) the anal rape concession at Quentin.

But we DO feel your pain. Unfortunately all we got for it is that ol' new agey crap about communicating. Unless this bitch says "I want you to rape me," you could safely assume that no means "I want you to think of a more clever way to simulate raping me."

How?

Simple. Tell her this

"the next time you come over to my house, I'm going to rape you."

If she shows up, have her sign and initial this email, and then fuck away, pal.

Yo Vinnie,
I got into an argument with my girlfriend while we were driving down the freeway in my van. In the middle of the argument, she grabbed the steering wheel and I almost spun into the side of a bridge. She's pretty strong and wouldn't let go until I punched her off of the steering wheel? Now I'm looking at 10 months in lockdown. What the fuck?--J.L. (by email)

JESUS RETURNS TO EARTH TO SLAP THE FUCK OUT OF CHERYL TIEGS

Dear Punching Judy: REAL MEN NEVER HIT WOMEN!!! Don't you know that?!?Well unless she's trying to crash the van. Or unless she's coming at you with a knife. Or a ballpeen hammer. Or that statue of the Virgin Mary that you got over by the bookshelf. Or if she fucks a German pornographer while you're away on business. Or if she doses you with acid, steals a few of your leather jackets and the rest of the drugs that she didn't dose you with leaving just enough so that there's something there for the police to find while you wander barefooted around the lawn talking to handpuppets. But outside of that IT'S NEVER OKAY TO HIT A WOMAN. Ride your 10 months out like a man and stop complaining.

Yo Vinnie,
Why do bitches always go for assholes. Today is Sunday. I went out last night and was talking to this bitch and got swooped on by this cowboy hat-wearing, alligator shirted fucking L.A. Colin Ferrell badboy prick cocksucker. Who wasn't any better looking than me. I gotta be a rapist fucking felon to get noticed these days or what?--Finishing Last (by email)

SOME GAVE ALL. AND ALL GAVE SOME. AND THEN AGAIN SOME JUST SAT IN THE CRUISER COLLECTING TITTY MEMENTOS.

Dear OFFICER E. BROOKS from the LOS ALTOS PD: Glad to know that our thin blue line, Northern California's finest are reading SKULLGAME. And even writing in. Asking questions. Asking me to withold their name and such. It means a lot to all of us what with you all being fucking American heroes and all. But to your question. First of all know that if you were in front of me now instead of hassling Mexicans over at the 7-11, I'd be slapping your fucking face like Brando did to Johnny Fontaine in The Godfather. What the hell are you crying about? Boo fucking hoo. Bar Ho's don't like me. I lost one really super special nice pretty lady one to the evil fashion adept homosexual who strangely enough seemed to want to fuck the really super special nice pretty lady. Listen to yourself. A bad dancer blames his shoes and YOU, sir, are a SHITTY dancer. So to answer your question: yes. Yes, you do need to be a fucking rapist felon to get noticed these days. I mean it's worked wonders for me. Roger-out, Adam 12. Crybaby. Prick.

YO VINNIE,
I couldn't spend the night with my broad the other night. And then some fag called her on the phone and started Oprahing her about how she was "too beautiful to be spending Friday night alone." And so she calls me back and pre-notifies me of her intent to go out and get banged by members of the local football franchise whose hotel she happened to be familiar with because "no WAY am I spending tonight alone!" Then she hung up the phone. Suggestions? -- H.J. (by email)

IT'S FOR YOU.

Dear Hojohowicz: Oh. I see. It's the old causal reality hold 'em poker in the ass tournament. The one where her virtue is what we're calling and raising, and crapping out is what happens when she's been sausaged by RANDY MOSS?

Perfect.

My advice to you in this instance comes from the mouth of the immortal genius dwarf Bushwick "Motherfuckin'" Bill who was once quoted as saying to everyone and no one in particular:

"You gotta let a ho be a ho."

Goddamned right. Any man pulling up a chair to a table where what's won or lost is her willingness to pretzel you in the name of advice given her by her girlfriends, gay friends, or player hating "male" friends is already running into that perennial Vegas byway: Loser's Row. Which is somehow always right around the corner from Easy Street.

And if you yield EVEN ONCE to this request to stop her before she fucks again, you'll be jiz toweling it off all over town.

So, have a drink. Relax. Take your shoes off. Call up another ho. Several in fact. Since it's a proven fact of nature that all ho's are crazy and that your bestest guarantee to a full and healthy life is rotating the cycle so that fewer of them are going crazy less rather than more of the time.

And ENJOY yourself.

Very goddamned simple.

Yo Vinnie,
I jokingly mentioned to my boyfriend that maybe we should bring one of my chronically non-dating, but pretty girfriends in as a third. Now he can't talk about anything else and it's sort of causing a problem. How do I get myself out of this hole without fucking things up more -- Put Foot In It, (by email)

I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T ENJOY THIS AT ALL...BUT HOW?!?! HOW?!?!?

Dear Ms. Scholls: What a dirty piece of shit you are. What a dirty, dirty piece of shit. "JOKINGLY." OK, lemme try this JOKING thing on for size. How about this? I'm thinking of using your IP address to figure out where you live so I can show up at your house with several thieving Negroes, and my cock, to teach you a lesson about the finer points of not waving red flags at bulls.

How's that sound? Funny? At all, Ms. Garner? No?

I didn't fucking think so.

Look, you entrapped this poor fool who foolishly went for the ol' "do you think Sally is cute?" dodge and now you want to know how to undo the damage done and otherwise get outta giving good on the whole Two Snatch thing? OK, OK, lemme calm down. OK. This is what you do: kill yourself. A permanent solution to a temporary problem which, in your case, permanently solves the temporary problem of your boyfriend being stuck with a cock teasing whore like yourself.

Thanks for asking.

Yo Vinnie,
I was scheduled to get married to a woman that I can only now call a slut. I call her a slut because I find out just now, seven months before the wedding that she sucked my friend's cock. In his fucking car. The cock sucking slut did her deed last year right before I started dating her. And I wouldn't have cared if she had told me about it (and believe me, I ASKED) but she said she didn't want to upset me by not lying to me like she has been for the two years. I don't know what to do. I mean I know at this point calling off the wedding seems stupid. On the other hand kissing a bride who is a cock gobbling slut seems unlikely. Especially with my friend smirking up at me from the fourth row. Fuck. -- T.S., (by email)

WITH THIS COCK I THEE WED

Dear TORTURED SUCKER MOTHERFUCKER: So your old lady smokes a little pole? One or two or 20 times? And this makes you feel a little uncomfortable? Possibly because you think that while you can take the slut out of the street, you can't take the pole out of her piehole no matter how hard you try to supplant that image burned in your mind of her sucking Johnny's rocket while they both laugh at you? Well, I'll save you the "lemonade out of lemons" lecture. I won't make mention at all of the fact that such a healthily cock-minded Missus is likely to make you happier longer than the Saints you obviously wish you were marrying. I'll even skip the bit about how what this is really about is some sort of twisted homo-love between you and Johnny and I'll cut straight to the advice giving:

Kill them both.

Then plead diminished capacity and in 10 years you'll be free to start again with a woman who wouldn't know what a cock was even if you jammed it up her ass.

Good luck to you.

Yo Vinnie,
How do I increase the volume of my loads? I mean I want a cum shot like they got in the movies. Should I drink more fluids? I mean I hate pulling out to come and getting this trickle. It's embarrassing. I see those ads but is there one reliable way? -- Bill, (by email)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE IS NO MORE COME?!?!? WHAT SHALL WE EAT THEN?!?! BESIDES POSSIBLY YOUR ASS?"

Dear Coco Nutty: Every year you hear it and every time you say the same thing: "who in the fuck is so goddamned stupid that they set their balls on fire copying a JACKASS stunt?" Well, now you know. Look at him carefully. Mr. BILL ADAMS is concerned because his loads are "not like the fuck they are in all those movies I watch where I'm busy watching the loads instead of the hot bitches on the business end of them." He'd very much like to increase the VOLUME of his ejaculate because so many of his recent dates have said "yeah. Dinner was great and the dancing was OK but what I really needed you didn't give: no fewer than THREE TABLESPOONS of spooge. GODDAMN YOU."

Jesus. People. Sometimes.

BUT because we're here to help we'll TRY to help MR. ADAMS. According to the fucking LOAD expert DONALD ZIMMER (no shit), "Amino acids such as L-Arginine and L-Lysine, zinc, and the Horny Goat Weed plant are all said to help up quantity, as is increasing your daily fluid intake. Add in an overall state of fitness, usually accompanied by good blood circulation, which also helps ejaculation. As does limiting the frequency of sexual intercourse."

Whatever.

Fag.

YO VINNIE,
Me and my boyfriend have a pretty healthy sex life but more frequently these days he keeps suggesting a menage. Most guys seem to fantasize about this but how many are pushing their girlfriends to have sex with another man? Is he this bored? Gay? I mean, WTF? -- One's Enough (by email)

A GOOOOOD DAY FOR COCK & THEMS THAT LIKE IT

Dear MS. KILLJOY BUZZKILL: You know right now there are thousands of women reading this asking exactly the same fucking thing about your letter: What The Fuck? Indeed. Or rather: Why The Fuck Not? I mean presuming at some odd point during the rest of your WHOLE life you can imagine wanting some other poles in the holes, why not now? OK, OK, I'm supposed to understand that what you're really wanting to know/asking has everything to do with YOUR desires being respected and YOU not feeling like YOU want to feel pressured to do something that seems to mean a lot more to dude than it means to YOU, and well, YOU haven't really thought about it yet and so, WTF? But lemme tell you: it's OKAY. That is, it's OKAY to not think about YOU so goddamned much and maybe think a little bit about dude. I mean who cares WHY he wants it, he ain't asking why you want roses on Valentine's Day, he wants it and it might be fun. UNLESS, and this is my one proviso, in the middle he starts making a sausage move. Then you have problems. Which I suspect is the source of your suspicions. I mean you mentioned GAY, not us. We prefer Guy-Girl-Guy outings because it's like BEING in a movie and WATCHING a movie and there's not a lot of waiting on the cock. Because there are two. Next to this, a foursome is fine, but the reality of it is, if you ain't sausage minded as a man, this is the greatest of all possible set ups. BUT your concerns are about your boyfriend's GAYNESS, which we can most assuredly guarantee you: EXISTS.

Yup. He's gay.

How do we know? YOU yourself just told us. So, unless you like the idea of SEEING Brokeback Mountain and BEING IN Brokeback Mountain, I might suggest vetting out his non-gayness first.

Such like:

"Say, Jim, let's go to this poetry reading..."

"Sure."

Gay.

And case thusly closed, babe.

YO VINNIE,
My fetish? Gang bangs. But this is not so easy a fetish to explore because first of all you need a GANG. So what do you do? Ask people at work? Yeah, yeah, I've seen the ads on Craigslist, but after responding to what seems like hundreds ad and in full knowledge of the fact that there are like 1000 men on there for every game women, I'm close to giving up. Suggestions? Could you run an ad in SkullGame? Do you take ads? Please let me know at your earlier convenience. -- KEVIN MARTINS (by email)

FROM OUR FRIENDS AT SAUNA CLUB: GOOD CLEAN TOO-MUCH-DUDE FUN

Dear DR. MARTINS: Have we slipped into an alterna-reality where day is night, black is white, and someone (anyone) somewhere really expects anybody at SkullGame to lift a fucking finger to help anyone but themselves. Perhaps it was the title that threw you: ASK VINNIE. Perhaps it was the lack of the explanatory subhead that said some shit like: ... FOR AN EXTRA HEAPING HELPING OF ABUSE, CALUMNY and SLANDER. In any case you luck out here because while we're not huge fans of GANG BANGS, per se -- a roomful of man sac is one ho away from being a roomful of GAY man sac -- we are fans of GROUP scenarios and so to your question? Your trembling, wet-lipped Mr. Peepersesque entreaty for life on the wild side.

The web you ass, the web. Go to YAHOO groups. Ingratiate yourself to some people there, hope that they're not ex-cons, and have a balls. Actually a roomful of balls. Go ahead, knock yourself out. Send pictures (only if they actually include a woman in said photo). Good luck.

Yo Vinnie,
Vibrators!!! Question Mr. Answer Man: how do men really feel about us women using them? Before, after, or during sex? Do they feel threatened? Do they say they DON'T feel threatened because they think they SHOULD say that but feel differently? What if it is used after they get off and after they get us off? Do you all find it sexy? Do you care? At all? Either way? -- Steely Daniella

"I'M SORRY...DID YOU SAY SOMETHING BABE...?"

Dear MS. BLACK MAMBO: "Do you care?" Hahahahahahahahahaha.....You know, pretty much that question will ALWAYS be followed by laughter [even if it is inside where delicate trembling men or women, with knives, can't see it] because the answer will ALWAYS be, well, huge gales of laughter because the answer is ALWAYS, really, no one gives a fuck about nothing.

But you have asked specifically about a sub-genus of man that perhaps might be butt hurt at the prospect, the mere suggestion, that their six-inch weapon of mass destruction might not, on any given day, get the job done. Or even if it does/has the specter that it might NOT have when you pull out your light saber might be enough to crush the delicate cock flower of a man without a plan...to which I say, Do YOU care?

You ASKED so we must assume that you do and so we say here now for you and everyone else interested for all time: men who are worth a good goddamn don't give a shit. In fact, it's that quality of not-giving-a-shit-i-tude that sometimes defines high quality sex.

I mean QUICK: do you want to be fucked by a man or a butler?

And look, a little selfishness is good. Nothing hotter than people in deep pursuit of their own dark desires and so when you pull out that dildo, rather than sending GOOD men into a spiral of morbid self-attentions it will drive GOOD men into a flurry of activity singularly focused on your ASS.

That's right: much like when Moe would hit Curly in the stomach and when Curly went to cover up his stomach, Moe would hit him the face and then when Curly went to cover up his face, he would hit him in the stomach again any GOOD man will take the opportunity of seeing you and your quim occupied to launch a full blown anal offensive. Barring that just about anything else involving their cocks and your other unoccupied holes will do. Well, either that or sleep.

This is good. See....everybody is happy.

Just don't get creative.

If suddenly, in a burst of artistic inspiration, you feel the need to stick it up my, I mean, his ass? Well, just don't.

Seriously.

Otherwise: get loose with Bruce, baby!!!

Yo Vinnie,
This woman asked me to come over to her place the other day. We are just friends since we won't fuck around with me when I have another girlfriend and I always have another girlfriend. She was just getting out the shower and asked to help her put some lotion on her back. She drops her towel and while I lotion her back she's lotioning her front. I make a move. Not even a "move," but just physically move my body and she recoils like I WAS going to do something. Then she asks me to leave. Is this what they call a cock tease? And, if so, is there a strategy to beat this? -- How E.

"GOD...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO FUCK ME...LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A WOMAN WITH NO PANTS & BIG KNOBS BEFORE. WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING PIG ARE YOU?!?"

Dear MR. THE DUCK: IS THAT A COCK TEASE?!?!? Not in my book, actually, no. That's what we, in the field, call "business as usual." You remember those cartoons when the girl adjusts her stocking or something and the men passing by all turn into wolves and their eyes bulge out and their heads turn into fucking thermometers? Well, so does she and any sense that anything else is happening here marks YOU as GAY or her as UNDESIREABLE, both of which are completely and totally damaging to your chances of making the endgame move toward any kind of a load being extracted from your body by her. So, you do what you've seen done all the time on those goddamn nature shows: clunk on her the head and fuck her before fleeing in a rustle of feathers with a shriek. That's what we call a "quip," there boy as the reality is much too horrible to bear since the answer is: not a goddamned thing.

Like THE DOCTOR says, a woman won't talk to you if she doesn't like you even if your car is on fire. Meaning IF she talks to you she likes you and it's just a matter of time. We used to have this fella named THE FLY...he lived in our garage and one day apropos of nothing he busts out with: "i fucked 63 women last year." Precisely the thing you DON'T expect some guy living in a garage to bust out with.

How'd he do it?

Just by hanging around. Hence the nickname. He just hung around and hung around and hung around, apparently 63 broads, and like a bad penny eventually it was going to be his turn and it was. As far as strategy goes this is all we can recommend. We, never having this problem ourselves, can only guess at its general level of effectiveness.

But if you're asking what "I" would do? I'd pull out my cock and scream VIVA LA VEGAS!!!

Works every time.

Yo Vinnie,
I've cheated on my girlfriend. And she caught me. She's not only insisting on "working it out" by going to counseling, but she thinks the key to us working this out will be total transparency. Which seems to mean she wants my voicemail, email, cellphone passwords and thinks we should get and use only a common email. I could lie and agree to all of this and not do it but I resent being made a liar because I'm also a cheater. Is there a proper post-busted protocol? -- A.H. (by email)

IF...YOU...DARE!!!

Dear COUNT OF FUCKING MONTE CRISCO: You see? You see what happens? After a steady diet of OPRAH, PHIL DONAHUE and a million other day time sources backward and forward the women of America have finally lost their goddamned minds. Evidentiary consideration Number 1: no MAN could get away with any reasonable airing of arguments thuswise leveled at a cheating slut of a girlfriend. No way. Because in an America where a woman can shotgun her husband because he asked her to wear high-heeled shoes and watch some porn with him (true story) and get only three to six years, credited with time served and eligible for parole after three it is increasingly clear that the judiciary also agrees with day time TV and A) everyone's a victim and B) no man's ever a victim.

But the reality of it is: she will never forgive you. And you if you hand over your nutsack to this fucking gestapo you will never forgive yourself. Sure, sure there's gotta be some small adjusment period post-discovery but if she can't console herself with well-reasoned-seasoned arguments about how her interests would be better served letting bygones be bygones well fuck her then because all she's really waiting to do is STRIKE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

Add some insult to injury right about now: dump her ass and free her up to find a man who likes jailhouse sex while you find yourself someone with a slightly more forgiving disposition.