YO VINNIE,
I have a girlfriend who is pretty creeped/grossed out by cum. Doesn't want it anywhere IN her mouth. But that's not my problem because she loves it sprayed all over her face. Good compromise, right? Except sometimes when she's on her knees, mouth open, and I am jerking my cock, and she's waiting for me I can't come. Maybe it's the idea that she's waiting for me, I don't know. I freeze up. She gets tired of waiting and it ends in disappointment for everybody and I can't really explain why and I hesitate to tell her not to do this at all because at this point that'd mean not getting my cock sucked at all, which I like. Advice? -- Long John (by email)

WE'D FEEL PERFECTLY FINE HAVING HER SUCK JUST ABOUT AS LONG AS IT TOOK...IN THIS INSTANCE ABOUT 3 SECONDS...FOR THE LOAD SHE SO ARDENTLY SEEMS TO DESIRE

Dear MR. SILVER: A watched pot never boils and a waiting cock never bubbles? Jesus, I almost don't know what to tell you. I mean when I was a bouncer I went to take a piss in the bathroom and as I was standing at the urinal I noticed that everybody IN the bathroom at that point in time was someone who I had violently detached from the club at one point or another and for the first time in my life, in contemplating a prison style rape, I got shy kidney, but your problem? Usually this type of anticipatory anxiety is a model of brain over brawn...I mean the first time I fucked, or tried to fuck, HOT BOX her pussy was so goddamned tight that no amount of cock leverage or spit let me work the crank into her cooze so I became a firm believer in the power of personal persuasion and so your deal of sympathic feelings over her predicament might be allayed somewhat if you know/knew that

1] you have alllllll the time in the world (I mean how much time you invest in eating her pussy? Hours? Hours and hours?),

2] despite your need for a sense of transgression to pull this off, she really WANTS your load on her face...even more than in her mouth....and if you break up the waiting and you jerking with a solid and deep fucking of her mouth she'll be working and not waiting for to start working and voila pressure OFF.

The other option, the NUCLEAR option?

Is to call us and let us do that thing we do called: helping.

The choice is goddamned yours.

Yo Vinnie,
I broke up with my old lady. The reasons are too numerous to go into here. But she's still calling and we still see each other. She's not seeing anyone else either I don't think. In any case she asked me point blank if we were ever going to get back together. I told her if she got her teeth fixed and got a boob job. Then I happened to mention this to a woman friend of mine. I mean that I had said that, and she gave me all kinds of hell. Am I a pig for telling the truth? -- Pig Malion (by email)

NICE BRACES, BABE. WELL YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE. THAT IS, HALFWAY TO FIGURING OUT THAT I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NONE OF WHAT THE FUCK I SAY & THAT I'M COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.

Dear HENRY HIGGINS: A pig? Look...everybody in America's all hemmed in with this alternate reality bullshit which we're all supposed to believe and if we do so, well, everything will be ok. 9/11 and Iraq ARE connected, Jews DON'T work in Hollywood, Negroes DON'T play basketball well, Chinees ARE good drivers. And so here you come, and you tell snaggle tooth what the rest of this America would smother in a lot of "loving you just the way you are" crap and YOU'RE the pig? I don't think so. You're an idiot. Not a pig.

An idiot?!?! Who?!? Wha?!? Why?!?!

Because if she didn't flip out when you said this it means she also lives in that other section of america that largely believes they are totally fucked up if only....if only...if only they had [fill in the fucking blank here]. So she believes you, which is good. What's bad is that she believes you well enough to do what you've suggested meaning you've played yourself into an endgame that may not be to your liking.

I mean what do you do when she shows up with new grill work and big giant tay tays?!?

We advise: bone her 8 or 9 or 32 times and then say, when the time is just right...like when she's daubing the last few drops of your puce offa her pickets, "ah, babe, this ain't working out...I thought it would, but it's not. I was a fool to think that surface modifications could change the beauty that was always there inside of you. A beauty that surpasses all of this other shit you've done to yourself. Shit that, for me, has RUINED the essence that is you. I'm sorry I can't bear what I've forced you to do to yourself. The shame is all mine.

Now, please close the door on your way out."

Check-fucking-mate!

YO VINNIE,
I fucked this broad. Then I stopped fucking her. Then I see her in a bar where I'm hanging out with my buddies. So I start making a move on her and my buddies girlfriend comes up and says to me very directly, and this is after saying goodbye to everyone else, "see YOU at the house." The chick who I was aiming to bone gets the hint and fucks off. So her boyfriend seeing the damage that's been done says, "I'll fix it up." So I figure he's going to say, "she's really my girlfriend and she's got a strange sense of humor." But next thing I know I hear him telling her, "nobody remembered...it's my birthday...." WTF? -- Armenian Al Pacino (by email)

COCK BLOCKER VERSUS PLAYER HATING: COMPARE. CONTRAST.

Dear Mr. Pacino: Sometimes player hating fairies work alone. Sometimes they work in packs. But always their purpose is to deny YOU vag, by any means necessary. The question for you, considering that you consider these people friends is, whether they were riding high on a player hating moonbeam and did not know what they did OR, did they, with malice aforethought, choose to deny you poon so that they might later, in post-coital bliss laugh at that which they had presently denied you?

Well, let's look at the facts:

1) a girl who is not fucking you queers the vibe for the one who had plan to fuck you. She did this because A) she wants to fuck you, B) she is randomly sadistic, C) she herself, to paraphrase Jake La Motta, did not know what she, herself, was doing or D) she's randomly sadistic and wants to fuck you and has no idea that this is what she, herself, wants to do.

2) her boyfriend who witnesses his girlfriends silent scream for your sausage gets rankled and decides to preemptively attack. According to the SkullGame Uniform Code of Kooze [SUCK] he could have and would have had to do this even without his girlfriend there.

Your way, according to the extant facts, and along the lines of "Give You Something To Cry About" Parenting, is clear: bone his girlfriend, many ways, many times, and let the chips fall where the fuck they may.

Thanks for asking.

YO VINNIE,
I couldn't spend the night with my broad the other night. And then some fag called her on the phone and started Oprahing her about how she was "too beautiful to be spending Friday night alone." And so she calls me back and pre-notifies me of her intent to go out and get banged by members of the local football franchise whose hotel she happened to be familiar with because "no WAY am I spending tonight alone!" Then she hung up the phone. Suggestions? -- H.J. (by email)

IT'S FOR YOU.

Dear Hojohowicz: Oh. I see. It's the old causal reality hold 'em poker in the ass tournament. The one where her virtue is what we're calling and raising, and crapping out is what happens when she's been sausaged by RANDY MOSS?

Perfect.

My advice to you in this instance comes from the mouth of the immortal genius dwarf Bushwick "Motherfuckin'" Bill who was once quoted as saying to everyone and no one in particular:

"You gotta let a ho be a ho."

Goddamned right. Any man pulling up a chair to a table where what's won or lost is her willingness to pretzel you in the name of advice given her by her girlfriends, gay friends, or player hating "male" friends is already running into that perennial Vegas byway: Loser's Row. Which is somehow always right around the corner from Easy Street.

And if you yield EVEN ONCE to this request to stop her before she fucks again, you'll be jiz toweling it off all over town.

So, have a drink. Relax. Take your shoes off. Call up another ho. Several in fact. Since it's a proven fact of nature that all ho's are crazy and that your bestest guarantee to a full and healthy life is rotating the cycle so that fewer of them are going crazy less rather than more of the time.

And ENJOY yourself.

Very goddamned simple.

Yo Vinnie,
I'm dying to fuck a black chick. Of course, they won't talk to me. Or call me back. Or give me the numbers to call. I want some of that dark meat. What the hell do I do? -- BlackBerry, (by email)

"TALK TO THE ASS, SUGAH...TALK TO THE ASS."

Dear NIGRA LOVER: What to do?!?! What to do?!?! YOU'RE asking ME about WHAT THE FUCK YOU SHOULD DO?!?!?! Jesus, isn't it obvious? Isn't it obvious that unless your ho's got a crack habit that would actually preclude her from having a phone in the first place, that pretty no one else's gonna call you back with that trophy hunter shit as obvious as if you were wearing a fucking pith helmet and carrying a goddamned blunderbuss? But look our job is not to judge. Fuck it. You wanna walk on "the wild side," the side that seems to support the idea that somewhere out there there's some magical breed of woman that's somehow different than the old brand of woman that you're used to, well, we dig you: you wanna fuck a Black broad. We got it.

OK. Go to Craigslist and tell the WORLD, or at least the portion of the world in your town populated by Black bitches, that you want to fuck them. Cite your extant attributes [pith helmet, blunderbuss, 5 inch penis that you call "a prick"] and wait for the mail to come rushing in.

Still waiting?

Yeah. We thought so.

Yo Vinnie,
Is there any way to tactfully help someone up their cocksucking game? While I've never SUCKED a cock I do know what a bad cocksucking feels like and I just want to help, but can't see just saying "hey, look...maybe try this." -- B.T., (by email)

IN A STUNNING RE-ENACTMENT, SKULLGAMER SAMANTHA SHOWS YOUR RECALCITRANT WHORE THE RIGHT WAY TO CLEAN THE FUCKING COUNTER. AND KNOBJOB A SLOBBY HOB. BOB.

Dear BRIAN TRANSEAU, BOYFRIEND OF AMANDA, THE LOUSY COCKSUCKER: Tactfully? TACTfully? TactFULLY?!?! Shit...let me look that up. I mean I know it has something to do with push pins and FULLY but outside of that I'm at a fucking loss. But seriously, while I don't know too much of the psychotopography of people who write to advice columns (I ain't been paying attention) I DO know that if you can't just bust out with "hold still while I fuck your mouth," and then you proceed to fuck her mouth in the way and to the tempo that you prefer, whilst standing or kneeling (NO laying on your back) over her, well, I don't know how the fuck to help you.

I mean what'd you think I do? Suggest a video?

Heyyyy, say....that's not a bad idea....leave a bunch of porn sitting around. She will inevitably view it in your absence and learn that mumbling your meat like she's eating a cob of fucking corn is just not the functioning gold standard these days and if she can't make with the double-rotating fists, the deep throat, and the headbob job, well move the fuck along and let a winner lead the fucking way.

Yo Vinnie,
This woman asked me to come over to her place the other day. We are just friends since we won't fuck around with me when I have another girlfriend and I always have another girlfriend. She was just getting out the shower and asked to help her put some lotion on her back. She drops her towel and while I lotion her back she's lotioning her front. I make a move. Not even a "move," but just physically move my body and she recoils like I WAS going to do something. Then she asks me to leave. Is this what they call a cock tease? And, if so, is there a strategy to beat this? -- How E.

"GOD...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO FUCK ME...LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A WOMAN WITH NO PANTS & BIG KNOBS BEFORE. WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING PIG ARE YOU?!?"

Dear MR. THE DUCK: IS THAT A COCK TEASE?!?!? Not in my book, actually, no. That's what we, in the field, call "business as usual." You remember those cartoons when the girl adjusts her stocking or something and the men passing by all turn into wolves and their eyes bulge out and their heads turn into fucking thermometers? Well, so does she and any sense that anything else is happening here marks YOU as GAY or her as UNDESIREABLE, both of which are completely and totally damaging to your chances of making the endgame move toward any kind of a load being extracted from your body by her. So, you do what you've seen done all the time on those goddamn nature shows: clunk on her the head and fuck her before fleeing in a rustle of feathers with a shriek. That's what we call a "quip," there boy as the reality is much too horrible to bear since the answer is: not a goddamned thing.

Like THE DOCTOR says, a woman won't talk to you if she doesn't like you even if your car is on fire. Meaning IF she talks to you she likes you and it's just a matter of time. We used to have this fella named THE FLY...he lived in our garage and one day apropos of nothing he busts out with: "i fucked 63 women last year." Precisely the thing you DON'T expect some guy living in a garage to bust out with.

How'd he do it?

Just by hanging around. Hence the nickname. He just hung around and hung around and hung around, apparently 63 broads, and like a bad penny eventually it was going to be his turn and it was. As far as strategy goes this is all we can recommend. We, never having this problem ourselves, can only guess at its general level of effectiveness.

But if you're asking what "I" would do? I'd pull out my cock and scream VIVA LA VEGAS!!!

Works every time.

Yo Vinnie,
I used to love dropping loads. Lots of loads. Specifically on chick's faces. Something about seeing my work, her pleasure spread out all far and wide just made me happy. Then one day I was dumping a load on to this chick's face and I notice she got her mouth shut tight. And it suddenly dawned on me. She was deathly AFRAID of getting my spooge in her mouth and the face was the preferred alternative because of her fears. Why was she afraid? She didn't want to "catch anything" she could pass on to her boyfriend. Not only was I hurt and angry, but now I find that loads on the face don't bring me nearly the same pleasure as they once did. You seem like a bright guy. How might I go about recapturing the joy of a big ol' load on the face? -- Sad & Loadless [by email]

"HATCHES, BATTENED, CAP'N. AFT DOORS SECURED. WE'RE NOW 100 % LOAD PROOF! AYE FUCKING AYE!"

Dear DIOGENES: Oh man. We feel your pain. We feel your fucking pain. The peregrinations that some of these sluts will twist themselves through to prove to no-one-in-particular that their various acts of loadametrics are anything BUT (for a wide variety of possibly "ethical" or "moral" issues) can take down whole fucking cities. OPRAH'S entire empire is built on essentially creating justifications for not only killing your husband and kids, but for snarking down any bit of available sausage you want and using the husband you will/have killed as ample justification for doing so.

Which is why women are full of shit.

In their highly causal universes they do all of what they do BECAUSE of some other reason/person and personal responsibility is completely absent. Men do this too but those of us who DO do it, do it only because we're afraid of women.

Otherwise a man conversation goes like this:

"Why'd you fuck your bud's old lady? Yeah, the one that looks like a gargoyle."

"She sucks a good dick."

Case. Fucking. Closed.

So this bubblehead will let you bang her all ways to Sunday but somehow is "protecting" her boyfriend from your cooties by taking copious loads of jiz on the face?!?!?!?

Perfect.

Despite the fact that this epidemiologically unsound, why do you think there's been no HIV EPIDEMIC on the heterosexual side of the hall (if that's even what she's afraid of)? Because in 1st world countries it doesn't exist. More people get hit by cars than contract HIV....and this is true even in communities, IV drug users and homos, where this shit might be expected to be.

But you didn't ask for a science lesson: how to rediscover the joy of loads in the face? That's what you asked.

Practice. Long, hard, hard continual practice and a wide variety of willing, and possibly only begrudgingly willing, partners....those who love the load on the face as well as down the gullet and who are not nearly so full of shit.

This is your mission my man: go. Find. Them.

Tell them, Vinnie sent you.

Yo Vinnie,
This woman's asked me out. I'm sure you might think this is great but I am a girl. I've never gone out with a girl and she's made it very clear that this is a date date. I'm freaking out. I want to go but I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. You guys are supposed to know something about women. Help. -- ANGELA (by email)

"YOUR DISGUSTING COCK WILL NEVER, EVER, NEVER GET NEAR THIS HOLE, WHICH I JEALOUSY GUARD FOR THE SISTERHOOD, VINNIE!!!" NOT THE REAL THING, BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION...OF ACTUAL STIMULATION.

Dear ANNE HECHE: A SkullGame first. A fucking letter from a broad leaning on us because an ex of hers used to read SkullGame [we had to edit her letter for length...which means we cut out all the shit that didn't specifically refer to her cooch concerns], and she got into the habit of it she reads it now too and thinks that yours truly knows something about women.

Newsflash: I don't know nothing about no women. Sluts, bitches, ho's, ballbusters and cunts? Oh yes.

But women? And very specifically lesbos? Fuck no. Wait wait wait...I'll tell you what I know about LESBOS. I was at an orgy. Finally peel off this broad, get her upstairs, turn around to get a condom and by the time I turn back? That's right, I was run by a lesbo who jumped in there with a motorized dildo, ignoring my weak and panicked entreaties to "um, lemme get in there...Uh....yeah....just lemme get in there...." And she placed herself squarely in front of the hole like a fucking goalie so I had to do some think tank level of thinking and I remember she, while a lesbian, has a mouth and so I go to shove my crank between her lips. She gives it a nice grace kiss but turns back to her redoubled efforts to get off the broad I was going to fuck and she does.

At least I'll get a shot at it now, right? WRONG. She needed a "break" and my sad and unused tool withered in the unused condom leaving me to bitterly mumble around the party.

But the story has a happy ending: the lesbian let me fuck her by the buffet table and again in the shower.

So my point is: you never know with lesbians. Go out, eat her food, enjoy the tickets she got, and if you're not feeling it, stiff when you get home exactly the way you've probably stiffed about 100 guys in the last 12 months.

No need to thank me now.

Yo Vinnie,
I've cheated on my girlfriend. And she caught me. She's not only insisting on "working it out" by going to counseling, but she thinks the key to us working this out will be total transparency. Which seems to mean she wants my voicemail, email, cellphone passwords and thinks we should get and use only a commong email. I could lie and agree to all of this and not do it but I resent being made a liar because I'm also a cheater. Is there a proper post-busted protocol? -- A.H. (by email)

IF...YOU...DARE!!!

Dear COUNT OF FUCKING MONTE CRISCO: You see? You see what happens? After a steady diet of OPRAH, PHIL DONAHUE and a million other day time sources backward and forward the women of America have finally lost their goddamned minds. Evidentiary consideration Number 1: no MAN could get away with any reasonable airing of arguments thuswise leveled at a cheating slut of a girlfriend. No way. Because in an America where a woman can shotgun her husband because he asked her to wear high-heeled shoes and watch some porn with him (true story) and get only three to six years, credited with time served and eligible for parole after three it is increasingly clear that the judiciary also agrees with day time TV and A) everyone's a victim and B) no man's ever a victim.

But the reality of it is: she will never forgive you. And you if you hand over your nutsack to this fucking gestapo you will never forgive yourself. Sure, sure there's gotta be some small adjusment period post-discovery but if she can't console herself with well-reasoned-seasoned arguments about how her interests would be better served letting bygones be bygones well fuck her then because all she's really waiting to do is STRIKE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

Add some insult to injury right about now: dump her ass and free her up to find a man who likes jailhouse sex while you find yourself someone with a slightly more forgiving disposition.

Yo Vinnie,
My girl's first sex experience was a date rape. That involved sodomy. We've been together a few years and trust is not an issue but she thinks she wants to try it as part of what we do. It just feels kind of weird to me. Should I talk to her about it? Could I without reintroducing the rape thing as an issue? -- Don't Know (by email)

WELLLLLLLLLLL BEYOND READY: A BEGINNER'S GUIDE.

Dear POOR SAD S.O.B.: God. YOU are fucked up. Seriously. FUCKED. U. P. You have an actual and serious question about something sort of actual and serious and you're writing ME?!?!? Why don't you just ask the next random drunk you see that's not you. You're just as likely to get an answer as serviceable as the answer I'm going to give. BUT the fact that you HAVE asked me seems a sure sign this is a double cry for help. You are fucked up and as evidence that you are fucked up you are writing me.

OK. Glad I got that figured out. Now on to your problem: ass fucking a rape victim who was ass fucked when she was raped.

Tough one. One that I, myself, had the occasion to be facing a while back. Her first sexual experience was a date rape that lasted a weekend when she was 16. How did I deal with the potentially sticky wicket of ass fucking someone who had been ass fucked by a rapist?

Well I fucked her in the ass first chance I got.

Neither asking. Nor being especially brutal about it. You see, what fucked her up about the rape was its lack of consensuality and the rapist's clear lack of concern for her well being. Well, I am no rapist, would have stopped if she had asked and if it had hurt any more than usual I'd have spit in my fist and lubed it again before heading back to the job at hand.

The point is: sometimes someone wanting you to fuck their ass is just someone wanting you to fuck their ass. Sure, sometimes its a playing out of a terrible trauma but we even sometimes play out our traumas as a way to rehab ourselves and so given that you ARE NOT A RAPIST you realistically have no concern especially in the total absence of HER concern.

So ass fuck away guiltlessly my friend. You heard it here first.

YO VINNIE,
I have a friend who has been raving about how hot his girlfriend is and how much anal sex they have. (Apparently, a whole lot.) Well, I finally met her and I swear to God that if she is not NOW a man? Well, she is at the very least about as far from a biological female as you can get. Sure you might say, just "tell him." But he's a very, very, very dangerous man. So I will be in trouble if I don't mention it and I will be in trouble if I mention it. Outside of leaving town what do you think I should do? -- Larry (by email)

ARE YOU FEELING SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT ABOUT NOW? NO? OH...NOOOOO, REASON...

Dear DEAD MAN: We gots a friend, name of MIKE HORELICK [genius fucking name, right?]...anyways, he wrote the screenplay for this movie called MOB QUEEN with very much the same plot: Some underlings to alleviate their boss's misery post-the untimely death of his wife (though deaths of wives always seem timely to us), set him up with that which happens to be a pre-op transsexual. Now this movie was set in the 1950s so it made sense that the boss wasn't so fucking hep on the uptake, but your friend? Well, we suspect he's been all over that "pussy" and so let's consider the facts: if he knows and hasn't mentioned it he's subtly asking you to look the other way. If he doesn't know now, he will never know. They can do all kinds of wonderful things with tranny surgery these days...I mean the biggest hold up in past times was they hadn't figured out how to make a pussy that self-lubricates like the real thing. Well, now? That's right. They've figured out how to work sweat glands into the "mangina" and so outside of "her" pussy tasting like gym socks he, and therefore you, will remain blissfully "ignorant." Look, I have a friend who decided late in life that he was a big fan of trannys and when asked to explain he said, "I like to fuck women with the sex drives of men." Nevermind, I guess that he also favored fucking PRE-OP trannies (which means they had cocks or as he described them, "a pussy on a stick". Yeesh.), this explanation was as close as we were willing to get to a topic that really just serves as another mask/beard for boys what like boys and god love you, suck as much cock as you want, as long as it doesn't keep me from my making quick time across town I could not care less, but the tortured psychological efforts gone through to justify said sausage seeking is highly, highly disturbing.

And makes us want to rush off and take showers.

ALONE.

Yo Vinnie,
How much of a rape fantasy is too much of a rape fantasy? She tells me she has one. Makes a big deal out of having one. Then when I get close she backs off. Oh I GET IT. She wants me to PUSH the issue but I don't know her well enough to not reasonably suspect that this is some sort of thing that might bite my ass. Suggestions for safeguards. PLEASE. -- SoEndsValentine, (by email)

THIS MAY NOT END WELL FOR "BOB."

Dear FRIEND of TYSON: Oh man. Oh man. The usual safeguards -- filming said scene to save for future litigation, web sales or to laugh at with your friends -- won't work here since what will be shown in court -- a video of her screaming "no, no...." will cook your fucking goose faster than you can say DICK CHENEY. Getting her to sign some sort of affidavit, while procedurally sound, takes all the romance out of a rape fantasy and probably won't work anyway in the age of "No Always Means NO" since she could always say, "while I agreed to the face fucking, I NEVER agreed to the ass plunging. Which he did your honor. Like his name was KOBE BRYANT."

So where does that leave YOU?

Either doing a 100-foot cliff dive into ass rape stupidity and taking a CHANCE that she's not a lunatic nor a vengeful harpy OR just letting this one pass on by.

Which you choose depends on a lot: how much money you have [which can either mean you have more to LOSE or alternatively, you have more to SPEND to keep yourself out of the pen], how much she secretly hates you, how much you know about her and the likelihood that you can ply the plausible deniability defense [no seed left behind, no marks and a decent fucking alibi].

So choose wisely and try not to blame me when it all blows up in your fucking face as I am most certain it fucking will because I mean there IS a proper way to initiate the whole "I have a fantasy" discussion, and that's USUALLY after you've already fucked someone. She ain't done that and resultingly I smell some rotten cheese. Do what youse would with all that.

Yo Vinnie,
My wife and I had a threesome. She lost it when I got into it with the other woman. So partially to lead by example and possibly to set an example I told her that I thought it would be fine if she got another guy. Which she did. We all met and everything was fine. He fucked her. Well. Many times. Which I guess sort of fulfilled my end of the deal. Only problem is that I was SO mellow about it, it looks like this is going to be a regular thing. I've already said I was uncomfortable with it but what would make me more uncomfortable is the idea of them meeting without me. I'm screwed either way. And not in the good way. Now what? -- Damned (by email)

GREAT. THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT.

Dear HOT DAMNED: God. Fuck it....You can't seriously tell me you don't know how to get MORE out of this versus the royal non-fucking fucking LESS you're getting now, can you? One individual can't be that goddamned stupid can they? Well I guess you wise up and I'm out of a gig so I ain't complaining. Anyways, make this fucking greedy bread gobbler, this cocksucking prick freeloader BYO, especially if by BYO you mean Bring Your Own Pussy So I Can Stick Something While You Stick Something. It's only fair. He brings a skank, you get to bone his skank. He doesn't bring a skank you get to bring a skank with the added proviso, he doesn't fuck the new skank. No way. He fucks ONLY your old skank. There is ONE pitfall here: he brings a skank which, while meeting the letter of the law, horrifies you beyond all measure--wooden legged, baldheaded, unshaved and unshowered--because you then have to duke her while he dukes your wife. And you watch. And grow angry. And ill. How to keep THAT from happening? Pray to God he hasn't already read this.

Yo Vinnie,
If you have erectile difficulties is the woman on top position going to make things worse? -- Duh? (by email)

REAL DREAD. AND MORTAL TERROR.

Dear ROY ROGERS: The woman on top position, also known as the COWGIRL or the HILLARY CLINTON, usually has the man on his back, hands behind his head, smoking a cigarette, staring at the ceiling and wondering why he ain't fucking better looking women. If she turns around and faces his feet this is known as the REVERSE COWGIRL or the REPUBLICAN as it's a perfect prelude to woman-directed ass fuckage or the maintaining if the illusion that you're fucking a congressional page. Back in the '60s this position was like some big feminist deal because it meant that "women were taking control," apparently of your cock and the load therein. Now it either means you're fucking tired of trying to figure out what exact fuck pace best suits her and are eager to get back to doing whatever you were doing prior to this detour to Loadville, or she wants to see if you're man enough to let her take control without falling asleep while she is doing so.

But to your question regarding the hidden dark side of the COWGIRL and our medically unsupported answer: Yes.

That is: yes gravity can be a factor in maintaining a full on hard on. While you have a greater access to the parts of her body that are nice to look at, or horrible to look at depending on what pig you happen to be banging, you also have her 110 or 240 pounds bearing down on your approx. 5 to 10 inch cock and your cock doesn't stand a chance.

Give it a few shakes and switch to a workable compromise: you SITTING and her sitting on you and your cock. She controls the action, the upper half of your body and gravity keep your cock well supplied with life giving fluids and you can watch the TV over her shoulder.

Problem fucking solved.