Yo Vinnie,
I dig anal vapors. Laugh like I know you're doing but since almost nobody that I know finds this sexy, it's hard to indulge. And of course the harder it is to indulge, the more you want to indulge in it. So at this point I am obsessed with the smell of ass. Ass. And stuff that comes out of the ass. How to indulge without ruining my standing in the community, ideas? -- Sniffy, (by email)

HEAVEN. I'M IN HEAVEN. ANAL VAPOR HEAVEN BUT HEAVEN NONETHELESS.

Dear JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: So, ass air is your thing, eh? No surprise, given that you live in Los Angeles but then again no surprise that you're having a hard time indulging your specific kink what with shit-eating being so much more the thing in LA this time of year and all. But what the fuck are you asking? How to whiff and not get busted? Well, that's simple: eat lots of pussy in the north-south position and you're bound to get as much whiffage as your nostrils can handle. But that's not reaaaallllyyyy your thing now is it, you lying sack of shit you? You're titillated by the prospect of asking aren't you? Like those flashers who get off on the look of stifled horror they get when they fly their freak flag high and wave their withered weenie at the world. So to help, because we're about nothing if not help, we'd just like to ask all of the women in the world if they minded terribly much having you, MICHAEL SPILLER, whiff their ass cracks?

Heyyyy...it's OK...no need to thank us now. No need at all.

YO VINNIE,
I took a bunch of meth. Like a WHOLE lot of meth. And then proceeded to fuck the shit out of this girl. While the first hour was cool, going into the third hour I got what I'm going to call "meth dick": lots of desire to fuck but cock shriveled like a peanut. Kind of like your cock is after you've been jogging or something. What's the deal, Dr. VIN? -- BOW MAN (by email)

JUST IN TIME FOR THE GODDAMNED HOLIDAYS.

Dear Method Man: Been there, and sadly, done that my friend. What can I say? While there's some research into the pharmacological interaction of meth, viagra and loads and loads of dirty fucking willing pussy, the results thusfar are largely inconclusive as we ran out of money and sluts after about the first three hours, but that's hardly the point. The point here is: do you let cooze roach your buzz? Or do you let your buzz roach your cooze?

And the answer here is quite simple since for men all of this must be measured against degree of difficulty. To whit: an ugly bitch in the hand is worth two fancy bitches who will gank you for drinks and not give it up by evening's end.

Translation: is it harder to get a snootful of crystal methodology than it is to get a willing bit of quim?

Only you can answer this question but for us here at SkullGame it's quite easy to get all the meth we need from DAVE DIETRICH. But pussy? Well, the shit that people give away for free (hahah...yeah, right) is always harder to get supplywise. So we'd go for the stanky stuff, every time.

But because we felt an obligation to seriously answer your question we asked our own THE DOCTOR and side effects of meth use are as follows

disturbed sleep patterns, tightened jaw muscles, grinding teeth (trismus and bruxia), loss of appetite (anorexia), leading to poor nutrition and weight loss with heavy use, reduced enjoyment of eating, loss of interest in sex, over time, itching, welts on skin, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, excessive excitation, hyperactivity, shortness of breath, moodiness & irritability, anxiousness & nervousness, aggressiveness, panic, suspiciousness & paranoia, involuntary body movements (uncontrollable movement and/or twitches of fingers, facial & body muscles, lip-smaking, tongue protrusion, grimacing), false sense of confidence and power (delusions of grandeur), aggressive and violent behavior severe depression, suicidal tendencies

...and those are just the fucking GOOD ones!!!

Goddamned we love that stuff!!!

YO VINNIE,
I used to fuck this woman and I'd have to fuck her for 60 minutes before she could come. Sixty fucking minutes every time without fail. A minute less and NOTHING. Fifty-nine minutes of wasted sweating to the oldies. But one day just for kicks I told her I thought it'd be really hot to see her masturbate. I think I secretly hoped I'd learn a secret. But I was so generally shocked that it took her only SIX FUCKING MINUTES that I forget everything I could have learned. What's the deal? -- F.F.F. (by email)

"IS SHE COMING YET? NO? AM I EVEN FUCKING CLOSE? NO? JEESUS FUCKING CHRIST. OK. PLAN B."

Dear Mr. 60 MinuteMan: You see this is the way it works, now pay close attention. Say, for example, that you lend me your car. For an hour. Now say that I come back four days later after having driven said vehicle to Mexico and gotten it impounded for trying to smuggle 'roids in the wheel wells. You would

A) punch me in the fucking mouth
B) get punched by me in the fucking mouth after lobbing that totally fucking girlified looping overhand right
or
C) call the insurance company and then confess to me in a tearful moment that you fucked my old lady when I was in Mexico.

You see what I'm getting at? What I'm getting at is the fact that WHATEVER you choose has you choosing a choice that resolves itself in under five minutes. Women, as you're finding out, ain't like that because they don't frequently avail themselves of the nuclear blast option of conflict resolution: physical violence. But EVERYBODY gets hostile and this is the way all of that sugar and spice and everything nice shit resolves itself: in orgasm withholding horror.

Sugar and spite and back-breaking 60 minute pokefests.

Feh.

Dump her. Better yet send us her phone number and we'll handle it. 60 fucking minutes at a time.

Yo Vinnie,
This woman asked me to come over to her place the other day. We are just friends since we won't fuck around with me when I have another girlfriend and I always have another girlfriend. She was just getting out the shower and asked to help her put some lotion on her back. She drops her towel and while I lotion her back she's lotioning her front. I make a move. Not even a "move," but just physically move my body and she recoils like I WAS going to do something. Then she asks me to leave. Is this what they call a cock tease? And, if so, is there a strategy to beat this? -- How E.

"GOD...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO FUCK ME...LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A WOMAN WITH NO PANTS & BIG KNOBS BEFORE. WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING PIG ARE YOU?!?"

Dear MR. THE DUCK: IS THAT A COCK TEASE?!?!? Not in my book, actually, no. That's what we, in the field, call "business as usual." You remember those cartoons when the girl adjusts her stocking or something and the men passing by all turn into wolves and their eyes bulge out and their heads turn into fucking thermometers? Well, so does she and any sense that anything else is happening here marks YOU as GAY or her as UNDESIREABLE, both of which are completely and totally damaging to your chances of making the endgame move toward any kind of a load being extracted from your body by her. So, you do what you've seen done all the time on those goddamn nature shows: clunk on her the head and fuck her before fleeing in a rustle of feathers with a shriek. That's what we call a "quip," there boy as the reality is much too horrible to bear since the answer is: not a goddamned thing.

Like THE DOCTOR says, a woman won't talk to you if she doesn't like you even if your car is on fire. Meaning IF she talks to you she likes you and it's just a matter of time. We used to have this fella named THE FLY...he lived in our garage and one day apropos of nothing he busts out with: "i fucked 63 women last year." Precisely the thing you DON'T expect some guy living in a garage to bust out with.

How'd he do it?

Just by hanging around. Hence the nickname. He just hung around and hung around and hung around, apparently 63 broads, and like a bad penny eventually it was going to be his turn and it was. As far as strategy goes this is all we can recommend. We, never having this problem ourselves, can only guess at its general level of effectiveness.

But if you're asking what "I" would do? I'd pull out my cock and scream VIVA LA VEGAS!!!

Works every time.

YO VINNIE,
I got a listless, endless handjob from a woman who talked about stuff on the TV the whole time and the only way I could get out of it was to pretend to fall asleep. Did I play this wrong? Oh, if I didn't mention it before: she did this while naked and refusing me sex on the grounds of "not knowing me well enough." Would roofies have been so wrong in this instance? -- ITALIAN SAL PACINO (by email)

"OH YEAH, BABY. THIS IS GREAT. KINDA LIKE ME DOING IT, ONLY WORSE."

Dear SALVATORE: In this instance I would use either what in the Pro Player's Handbook would be either described as the VIVA LAS VEGAS or THE DOCTOR. The VIVA LAS VEGAS is my patented maneuver, ideally performed in a LAS VEGAS hotel room over the skirt of a clearly frightened and weeping girl upon whose dress I had just jerked a load. The VIVA LAS VEGAS can also describe the proffering of the penis at grossly inappropriate times to those who least expect it, and in this instance, YOUR instance, the VIVA LAS VEGAS would be most appropriately applied as it was by me recently upon the waiting face of a woman for whom the hip-thrusting, pointing at my cock and me saying "take your fucking clothes off" was not enough to get the point across. The VIVA LAS VEGAS: it may not work, but you feel better for having pulled it off.

THE DOCTOR? Well, this was named after SkullGame's own THE DOCTOR and it involves, once you are in a private place with the cooze of your choosing, an unremitting and unyielding attack, like the beaches at Normandy, upon the corpus and body of the slut at your disposal. Octopus-like you go frantically from the crotch to the knobs to the mouth to the VIVA LAS VEGAS (a subset of THE DOCTOR) to the ass and repeat as often as necessary until she flees, or succumbs to your superior firepower.

But roofies? While amateurs and necrophiliacs seem to prefer these, these largely seem to me to be failing strategems of men who like other men as that's exactly what they find when they go to jail for this stupid shit. Me? I'm too much of an egomaniac to want a woman to be anything other than painfully unconscious when I'm degrading us both.

YO VINNIE,
This girl I used to fuck killed herself. She had had problems over the years and some of these are what caused us to break up. Anyways, she's dead. So far, no problem. However, my new girlfriend thinks that it's disrespectful for me to keep the videos I made of me and the dead girl fucking. Seems like a small deal but we now have argued about it no fewer than three times. Should I give in? By which I am asking also: IS it creepy to, on the odd occasion, beat off to video of me fucking a dead girl? -- Sleepless in San Francisco (by email)

LOVE IS NEVER HAVING TO HEAR ANYONE SAY NO. LIKE, EVER. AT ALL.

Dear ICHABOD CRANE: Look! LOOK at what's happening to you!!! Look at how the whole fucking dialogue has changed and you, a seemingly straight shooter, has been sucked and suckered in by IT ALL. Lemme see if I can esplain this to you.

You are like THE DEMOCRATS.
And your girlfriend is like THE REPUBLICANS.

You start off with some idle meat manipulation in the privacy of your own bathroom or wherever. Infrequent. Possibly discreet. SHE gets wind of it and all of a sudden YOU are a fucker of dead girls. And you, like the American public, buy it. At least enough so that you're writing ME asking me if YOU are a sexual/moral degenerate who fucks dead girls.

Listen, WHEN you were fucking her, she was alive, unless you left something out when you wrote me. And when she was alive and you were fucking her, she was NO kind of dead. In fact, she was very much the kind of alive who wanted you to film your fucking precisely so that you COULD jerk off to it....forever, if you liked. It's like her gift to YOU from the great beyond. And this player hating broad that you're with now? She's just jealous about the possibility of you being attracted to someone who she'll never be able to beat for like 1000 different reasons not the least of which is the fact that she IS dead.

So my advice? Jerk away my friend. The dead broad would have wanted it that way.

YO VINNIE,
OK. I've had it and just want to know: what's the deal with Asian chicks? I see you guys going off on them too like they're something special and as a woman who reads your stupid site every now and then I thought I'd ask. -- Curious in Kenosha (by email)

HERE'S A PIC OF THE VERY UNATTRACTIVE SATOMI THAT WE DUMPED YOUR ASS FOR: SEE, HOW FUCKING CONFUSED & STUPID WE ARE?!?! HOW FOOLISH!?!? HOW FUCKING FOX-LIKE? YEAHHHH. WE BET YOU DO.

Dear Angry SkullGame Ex-Girlfriend: OK. We've seen through your subterfuge. The tip-off? The whole "every now and then" bit. You either read SkullGame or you don't, babe, there t'aint no middle ground and just cuz Sal dumped you for a crazy jungle bitch's no reason to go crapping all over the love that men have for Chinee and whatnot broads. But we'll give you what you didn't even know you wanted:

THE DEAL

1) WHITE dudes go out with Asian Broads because it makes them feel like they got big cocks.

2) BLACK dudes go out with Asian Broads because they ain't white broads.

3) ASIAN BROADS go out with white dudes because
a) they think it'll get people to forget that they's Chinkee.
b) they sucker them in with that whole submissive woman thing only to turn around and fuck their white asses like they was in jail. You ever seen those old Chinese ladies elbowing their way past you on the subway with like three plastic grocery bags full of shoes and live fish and shit? Yeah? Where the fuck you think they came from?

4) ASIAN BROADS go out with black dudes because, according to CORNHOLIO, "they likes that black dick."

Now I got a question for you, Kathy: is there anything I can do, you know, loadwise, to help you, you know, overcome the sorrow of being shy a load these days since Sal dumped your ass? By way of giving you a load? Or possibly even a few?

Just curious.

YO VINNIE,
I hate you assholes. If you think being an asshole is funny, then you're an asshole. If you're really an asshole, then you're an asshole. And if you're telling the truth about all the so-called women you "fuck" then you're probably gay and trying to prove something to yourself by telling the world, "hey. Look. I'm NOT a fag. I fuck women." And if you're NOT telling the truth well you should just stop and go back to playing Dungeons & Dragons which is, face it, what you were doing before you became professional assholes. Asshole. -- W.C. (by email)

COLLECT 12 WIZARD POINTS & BLOW US FOR AN IMMORTALITY SPELL

Dear P. Hater: You are gay. Not only are you gay but your gay outrage reeks of tremblingly denied man-on-man urges that are now given full voice in your letter's desperate and gay plea for help. And here we don't mean gay as in, LIKES TO SUCK COCK. Here we mean gay as in LIKES TO SUCK COCK BUT DICK-HEADED ATTEMPTS AT CONCEALING THIS LIKE LEAD TO FUCKHEADED EFFORTS TO DISPLACE RESPONSIBILITY FOR COCK-SUCKING ONTO PEOPLES WHAT AIN'T DONE NOTHING TO HIS SHIT. So our advice to you is to keep reading SkullGame and embrace it for the real reasons you read it anyway: ALL THE SHOTS OF COCKS poised to plug pussies. Just ignore the pussies.

See?

Wasn't that easy?

YO VINNIE,
During the good times me and the old lady filmed each other fucking for fun and giggles. But now that she's dumped me, she's demanding the tapes and that no copies be made. She says it seems like porno and she "wants to own her image." I say that it's part of my personal history that's really no different than those pictures we took of us on vacation that, incidentally, she ain't asking for. Your take? -- Video Video (by email)

A VACATION SHOT THAT'S ALSO A FUCKING FLICK: AN EXPLOITABLE LOOPHOLE? OR PRURIENT ENJOYMENT FOR SKULLGAME READERS OF ALL STRIPES? YOU BE THE JUDGE!!!

Dear CECIL B. DEMILLE: Well since it's virtually impossible for her to tell if you made a copy if YOU keep the copy we'd say this falls into the philosophical symbolic zone of complete and total horseshit. The kind of shit that kids fucking around in college worry about while wasting their parents cash going lesbo for a semester while studying sapphic strophes.

In this instance though we just ask WHAT THE FUCK WOULD CARMINE DO (WTFWCD)? Carmine used to work out at The Olympia in Ridgewood, and was most known for choosing the unlikeliest option if it advanced his general worldview, which ran the gamut from pissing in hotel vases to having someone suck off his shit-smeared finger at the restaurant where he worked under the guise of "tasting" what he was cooking. You get the idea: a chaos artist. So we called him and this is what he said, "Fuck that chick. She ain't asking for nothing else BUT that? No way. Make a copy, give her the original and if she asks if you did just that say, 'Fuck yes I did.' I mean you're supposed to destroy it? Why the fuck did you FILM it to begin with?

Oh yeah. And then you should post it up at youse website."

Beautiful.

YO VINNIE,
I keep getting tricked into fucking ugly girls. It'll go something like this. My buddy will say, "we should double team this ugly broad." And like some weird fraternity hazing if someone else is doing it, well it doesn't seem so bad. But twice he's picked the ugliest woman and then backed out leaving ME to fuck the monster on my own. Yeah, yeah, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, but what I really need are strategies to avoid fucking ugly women under any circumstances. -- CHARLIE BROWN (by email)

PLEASE, OH PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE DOOR #2

Dear ROUND HEAD: Drawing yet another page from The SkullGame Pro Players handbook

rule #347: never fear the aggressive use of The Flee.

Or as the guy from the Church of Satan once said to me, "popularity has killed more people than anything."

Witness: ITALIAN SAL and I were scheming for a double teaming.

The woman in question? Yes. Barely human.

Sal began begging off on account of some illusory illness.

Seeing the writing on the wall I went for The Flee. "Oops. I left the condoms in my car."

The burning rubber, screech of tires and laughter of The Duping echoed across the goddamned ages.

What happened to Sal and The Beefaloe?

Well, I don't know and he's not telling. But what I DO know is a close encounter of the fat-assed kind was narrowly avoided. As was some potential mortal self-esteem suicide. Yes, her feelings may have been hurt but as hurt as her feelings were they weren't anywhere near as hurt as mine would have been after fucking her.

So remember this: only fuck ugly broads if you can later deny that you've done so.

Failed application of this strategem: MONICA LEWINSKY. Case fucking closed.

Yo Vinnie,
I fucked a woman so ugly that despite not being seen in public with her and any and all of my attempts at preventing public identification of her and me as being connected at all in the slightest, I happened to be in the elevator out of my building with her when the finest bitch in the building steps in. Now if it was any other time other than Saturday night at 10 p.m. I could have played it off. However, going downstairs with her was the only way to guarantee that she not only left my apartment but left my building. Of course, now that the hot bitch of the building has seen me with her, word will spread like wildfire. Is there any way at all that you know of to redeem my social credits as a result of my horrible self-lacerating misjudgments? -- Susso [by email]

A CAUTIONARY TALE FOR THE AGES: WHEN CRAIGSLIST GOES HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG... WHAT SHE SAID SHE LOOKED LIKE VS. WHAT SHE ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE. YOU'LL KEEP TELLING YOURSELF, IT'S ONLY A JOKE....IT'S ONLY A JOKE...". BUT ALAS: IT IS NOT. IT IS NOT.

Dear NEXT TIME CALL 911: Funny, you should use the word "wildfire." Like that line from RAGING BULL spoken by the paranoiac lunatic JAKE LA MOTTA, "you yourself said something that you yourself didn't even know you yourself had said," your way out of your present predicament is contained in your casual use of the word "wildfire."

Burn the building to the fucking ground.

Problem solved.

If arson, doesn't do it for you, or maybe you actually like your apartment, or maybe you don't want to kill 30 other people to cover up your misdeeds, if you're one of THOSE guys, well there's another option broken down along pricey and non-pricey lines.

PRICEY LINE: Get yourself a high priced fucking fuck slut. Get into a huge fight with her in the lobby...screaming, crying, with her begging you to not leave as she holds on to your leg until someone, or everyone, in the building calls the cops.

UP SIDES: Your $1400 will be well spent as you will be the Building Legend and the horrible actuality of your terrible taste in ho's will become an all-too-distant memory.

DOWN SIDES: You will not actually get to fuck her as you will need to spend the whole 60 fucking minutes doing summer stock in the goddamned lobby.

NON-PRICEY LINE: Wait until you see her in the elevator again and say, whilst smiling broadly, "that monstrous bitch you saw me with the other day? Yeah. Well, she and JUDGE ROY BEAN had a terrible argument and I was just taking her home as he was too ashamed to. What on account of her being a pock-faced apparition of pain and all." Then show her your penis.

Yup. That should do it.

YO VINNIE,
The scene? This girl invites me out to see her. I haven't seen her for years. She invites ME to drinks. And then asks if she can bring a friend. I think "drag," because "friend" is never going to be good. But I get to drinks late and by the time I get there they are drunk. Like Irish drunk. I no sooner have my ass in my seat then they're saying "let's go back to my place." Which we do. Long story much shorter: it's looking like it's going to be a threesome until the woman who invited me "gets shy" and tries to disinvite the other drunk chick. Then she gets angry with me for sticking my cock in her friend. How could I have closed this better? -- Howard (by email)

"OH SURE. I GUESS I'M THE HONORARY 'BALL RUBBER' HERE. GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT." YES, IT IS, KELLY. YES, IT IS.

Dear MR. JOHNSON: Oh man. Two cats fighting over one sausage. In any case while you have our deep felt sympathies the problems are multifold. You don't say and I don't know which was better looking but there's a science to fucking two broads at once that we'll share here with you here and now.

A) The better looking broad always gets the first right of refusal: if you go for the less attractive one first the better one figures you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground OR you'll fuck anything. Neither of these possibly correctly held assumptions will get you in this hole or any other holes long term. Always go for the better bitch first because in that relationship (she and her friend) SHE holds the power and if she says NO she was going to anyway and if she says, yes, your way and your load, is clear.

B) The less good looking broad is only an option to be employed IF you're going down in flames OR you've ceased giving a fuck: the better looking broad, who won't even want to be seen doing anything that even remotely resembles competing with the ugly one, will cut you off in total if you tip the balance in the direction of expediency. And loads. But again it's a matter of degree. If they're close enough in looks this might spark a competition that works in your favor. If not, yes, of course, wrestle the fucking hog to the floor and fuck away like fucking away is going out of style like those No Fear stickers on your pick-up fucking truck.

Now in your specific situation? You say this..."you know what'd make me so fucking hot? If she [the mugly one] watches us fuck?" The Butter faced one will be glad to just be in the room. The Hot Bitch will be flattered. And then after you get your nut she will extend, noblesse oblige style, your sausage to her beleaguered and sausageless friend (if she hasn't already done so). And you? Being the gentleman you are? Will be glad to blow another fucking load before you flee, never ever to return again, correct?

Goddamned right we are.

YO VINNIE,
I recently discovered my woman was fucking other men. Not another MAN but MEN. Now we always had a loose open arrangement but I figured maybe an Ex here, a one night stand there. This is not what happened. She fucked NINE guys. In pretty rapid succession. Strangers she met online. This seems outside the boundaries of what we had agreed on. She claims a cock is a cock and I'm just jealous. Can I get some back up here? -- H.M. (by email)

HOW OFTEN DO WE AGREE WITH A DUDE'S CHICK JUST BECAUSE WE'RE MACKING ON THE DUDE'S CHICK? 347?

Dear STINGY McGREEDY: Oh. I see. First of all like McGruff the crime dog says, "get in, get out, bip bam boop."

Or even more famously, "a contract's as good as the goddamned toilet paper it's printed on."

Which means that your agreement was one of those Sunday morning-laying-in-bed hypothetical scenarios that you're pissed off you kinda made because you were only half listening when she was talking in the first place. But you can't have REALLY expected us to side with you when it stands to a large degree of certainty that one of those cocks she threw herself upon belonged to one of us here do you? [Besides which, we love the idea that everybody loves a slut, but no one wants to marry one.] Well, this is your problem. In more ways than one. She either wants to sup on strange sausage because of some major personal failing of yours [cock, and what you do with it; wallet, and what you can't do with it] OR she's just what we here on THE MACK call a NATURAL whose interest in sausage both far and wide largely exceeds that able to be conceived of by your lying, timid fucking morality. I, myself, once dated a woman who had fucked over 3000 men [yes, she was a whore]. And at least three more while we were together [one for money, one for love and one for a plane ticket....heyyyy...you can take the girl out of the ho house but you can't take the ho house out of the girl]. Did you ever hear me complain even once? No. Why the fuck not? Because it was ME standing on top of that mountain and realistically unless she was a virgin when you met her what difference does it make what she does with her quim as long as she also does it with you?

And don't gimme that shit about disease...you're likelier to get hit by a bus. Driven by a bus driver on his way to bang your old lady.

Sorry my man. It is YOU who is at fault here. You don't like her ways? Start hanging out in churches. Or Utah.

Prick.

Yo Vinnie,
I used to love dropping loads. Lots of loads. Specifically on chick's faces. Something about seeing my work, her pleasure spread out all far and wide just made me happy. Then one day I was dumping a load on to this chick's face and I notice she got her mouth shut tight. And it suddenly dawned on me. She was deathly AFRAID of getting my spooge in her mouth and the face was the preferred alternative because of her fears. Why was she afraid? She didn't want to "catch anything" she could pass on to her boyfriend. Not only was I hurt and angry, but now I find that loads on the face don't bring me nearly the same pleasure as they once did. You seem like a bright guy. How might I go about recapturing the joy of a big ol' load on the face? -- Sad & Loadless [by email]

"HATCHES, BATTENED, CAP'N. AFT DOORS SECURED. WE'RE NOW 100 % LOAD PROOF! AYE FUCKING AYE!"

Dear DIOGENES: Oh man. We feel your pain. We feel your fucking pain. The peregrinations that some of these sluts will twist themselves through to prove to no-one-in-particular that their various acts of loadametrics are anything BUT (for a wide variety of possibly "ethical" or "moral" issues) can take down whole fucking cities. OPRAH'S entire empire is built on essentially creating justifications for not only killing your husband and kids, but for snarking down any bit of available sausage you want and using the husband you will/have killed as ample justification for doing so.

Which is why women are full of shit.

In their highly causal universes they do all of what they do BECAUSE of some other reason/person and personal responsibility is completely absent. Men do this too but those of us who DO do it, do it only because we're afraid of women.

Otherwise a man conversation goes like this:

"Why'd you fuck your bud's old lady? Yeah, the one that looks like a gargoyle."

"She sucks a good dick."

Case. Fucking. Closed.

So this bubblehead will let you bang her all ways to Sunday but somehow is "protecting" her boyfriend from your cooties by taking copious loads of jiz on the face?!?!?!?

Perfect.

Despite the fact that this epidemiologically unsound, why do you think there's been no HIV EPIDEMIC on the heterosexual side of the hall (if that's even what she's afraid of)? Because in 1st world countries it doesn't exist. More people get hit by cars than contract HIV....and this is true even in communities, IV drug users and homos, where this shit might be expected to be.

But you didn't ask for a science lesson: how to rediscover the joy of loads in the face? That's what you asked.

Practice. Long, hard, hard continual practice and a wide variety of willing, and possibly only begrudgingly willing, partners....those who love the load on the face as well as down the gullet and who are not nearly so full of shit.

This is your mission my man: go. Find. Them.

Tell them, Vinnie sent you.

YO VINNIE,
My boyfriend's a reader of what I think is your fucking unfunny site and so I send this email only in the name of hoping he can read it and see that wanting to piss on your girlfriend's face isn't what I consider to be a standard expression of sexuality and I'm sure even YOU all will agree that out of the letters you get, most of them do not ask questions about piss, talk about piss or even ask for pissing techniques like it is NORMAL. Am I wrong? -- Abigail (by email)

"GAR-GLE, GAR-GLE...SPLUTTER...SPUT...SPUT..." LOVE IS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY...FOR PISSING IN SOMEONE'S MOUTH.

Dear ABBY: Yes. Yes, you are wrong. Our site is VERY funny, you bitch, you. Even outside of that your issue with piss has stumbled headlong into symbolism. WHAT'S IT MEAN? WHAT'S IT MEAN THAT HE WANTS TO PISS IN MY FACE? Well, in this instance it probably means that he wants to piss in your face...perhaps because with a mouthful of golden sunshine you're not so negatively talkative. Perhaps, but we can't be sure. In any case my point is this: outside of it being warm...like shower water...and from his cock...like semen...or salty...like sweat....most aversions to piss play are all tangled up in early life education connecting piss to dirt to hell.

This is not a connection that's supported even by the most stringent evangelicals.

I AM THE LORD, THY GOD, YOU SHALL NOT PISS IN YOUR NEIGHBOR'S FACE. EVEN IF SAID NEIGHBOR THINKS IT MIGHT BE A KICK. OR I'LL HAVE TO SEND YOU & THAT JEW OVER THERE TO HELL.

You won't hear that. Nope. In fact, you won't hear any of that because, it is our belief, God wants us to piss in each other's faces. In fact I'd suggest you suggest this. "You piss on me babe and then I'll piss on you." And see how far that goes.

Now if he's a stud like us he says, "sure. Lemme go first." [Whether or not it's a 68 situation where I owe you 1 later or not changes depending on time and temperament.] If he's hung up like you are, he says, "ewwwww...." In which case he can go fuck himself.

Otherwise, let fly. De-symbolize it. Have a ball. A pissy yellow ray of urea-based fun.

End note: You are right, however. Most people do not piss in each other's faces. And the world is a poorer place because of it.