Yo Vinnie,
I fucked a woman so ugly that despite not being seen in public with her and any and all of my attempts at preventing public identification of her and me as being connected at all in the slightest, I happened to be in the elevator out of my building with her when the finest bitch in the building steps in. Now if it was any other time other than Saturday night at 10 p.m. I could have played it off. However, going downstairs with her was the only way to guarantee that she not only left my apartment but left my building. Of course, now that the hot bitch of the building has seen me with her, word will spread like wildfire. Is there any way at all that you know of to redeem my social credits as a result of my horrible self-lacerating misjudgments? -- Susso [by email]

A CAUTIONARY TALE FOR THE AGES: WHEN CRAIGSLIST GOES HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG... WHAT SHE SAID SHE LOOKED LIKE VS. WHAT SHE ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE. YOU'LL KEEP TELLING YOURSELF, IT'S ONLY A JOKE....IT'S ONLY A JOKE...". BUT ALAS: IT IS NOT. IT IS NOT.

Dear NEXT TIME CALL 911: Funny, you should use the word "wildfire." Like that line from RAGING BULL spoken by the paranoiac lunatic JAKE LA MOTTA, "you yourself said something that you yourself didn't even know you yourself had said," your way out of your present predicament is contained in your casual use of the word "wildfire."

Burn the building to the fucking ground.

Problem solved.

If arson, doesn't do it for you, or maybe you actually like your apartment, or maybe you don't want to kill 30 other people to cover up your misdeeds, if you're one of THOSE guys, well there's another option broken down along pricey and non-pricey lines.

PRICEY LINE: Get yourself a high priced fucking fuck slut. Get into a huge fight with her in the lobby...screaming, crying, with her begging you to not leave as she holds on to your leg until someone, or everyone, in the building calls the cops.

UP SIDES: Your $1400 will be well spent as you will be the Building Legend and the horrible actuality of your terrible taste in ho's will become an all-too-distant memory.

DOWN SIDES: You will not actually get to fuck her as you will need to spend the whole 60 fucking minutes doing summer stock in the goddamned lobby.

NON-PRICEY LINE: Wait until you see her in the elevator again and say, whilst smiling broadly, "that monstrous bitch you saw me with the other day? Yeah. Well, she and JUDGE ROY BEAN had a terrible argument and I was just taking her home as he was too ashamed to. What on account of her being a pock-faced apparition of pain and all." Then show her your penis.

Yup. That should do it.