YO VINNIE,
The scene? This girl invites me out to see her. I haven't seen her for years. She invites ME to drinks. And then asks if she can bring a friend. I think "drag," because "friend" is never going to be good. But I get to drinks late and by the time I get there they are drunk. Like Irish drunk. I no sooner have my ass in my seat then they're saying "let's go back to my place." Which we do. Long story much shorter: it's looking like it's going to be a threesome until the woman who invited me "gets shy" and tries to disinvite the other drunk chick. Then she gets angry with me for sticking my cock in her friend. How could I have closed this better? -- Howard (by email)

"OH SURE. I GUESS I'M THE HONORARY 'BALL RUBBER' HERE. GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT." YES, IT IS, KELLY. YES, IT IS.

Dear MR. JOHNSON: Oh man. Two cats fighting over one sausage. In any case while you have our deep felt sympathies the problems are multifold. You don't say and I don't know which was better looking but there's a science to fucking two broads at once that we'll share here with you here and now.

A) The better looking broad always gets the first right of refusal: if you go for the less attractive one first the better one figures you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground OR you'll fuck anything. Neither of these possibly correctly held assumptions will get you in this hole or any other holes long term. Always go for the better bitch first because in that relationship (she and her friend) SHE holds the power and if she says NO she was going to anyway and if she says, yes, your way and your load, is clear.

B) The less good looking broad is only an option to be employed IF you're going down in flames OR you've ceased giving a fuck: the better looking broad, who won't even want to be seen doing anything that even remotely resembles competing with the ugly one, will cut you off in total if you tip the balance in the direction of expediency. And loads. But again it's a matter of degree. If they're close enough in looks this might spark a competition that works in your favor. If not, yes, of course, wrestle the fucking hog to the floor and fuck away like fucking away is going out of style like those No Fear stickers on your pick-up fucking truck.

Now in your specific situation? You say this..."you know what'd make me so fucking hot? If she [the mugly one] watches us fuck?" The Butter faced one will be glad to just be in the room. The Hot Bitch will be flattered. And then after you get your nut she will extend, noblesse oblige style, your sausage to her beleaguered and sausageless friend (if she hasn't already done so). And you? Being the gentleman you are? Will be glad to blow another fucking load before you flee, never ever to return again, correct?

Goddamned right we are.