Ask Vinnie, answers to your most vexing questions...
Yo Vinnie,
At first I just mentioned it casually to my new girlfriend -- "I want to blow a load in your face." There was laughter. Later, I said it again, not so much less forcefully but just to make it clear that I actually wasn't joking. Then she says OK. Then she says NO. Then I tell her if she invites me over I plan on arriving, fucking her and then busting a load in her face. I tell her that I have not had a serious relationship that didn't involve loads on the face. She laughs and says, "come on over." I come on over, and went I move up to drop a load in her face she scoots underneath me. I drop it on the pillow. Now I am upset. I mean I have been clear about this, she's been luring me on, and now I am full blown irked. I mean forget the ass, this is out of the question, and even getting her to suck my dick is a chore because she says she has carpal tunnel syndrome. So next time I go over I make my move, she tries to scoot, I put one knee on her chest and the other on her hair, and drop the load. And now SHE'S angry. I was very clear, she was technically inviting, what's the SkullGame verdict here? -- A Load Late, A Dollar Short (by email)
FROM VINNIE'S CELLPHONE: YET, ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!!!
Dear THE SORROW OF THE LONG DISTANCE LOAD: Have we been here? Boy, have we. Actually, I'm asking: Hey....[all turn to me looking bored, hostile]...have we ever NOT blown loads wherever we wanted with great impunity and with great disregard for race, color, creed or nationality?
The SkullGame consensus seems to be, with the exception of NICKY BALLS, who is waaaaay too sensitive for this kind of action, that FACIAL LOADS are part and parcel of what passes for a normal relationship around here [along with eating ass, drinking girlfriend's piss, and a raft of other disgusting sexual practices]. The reasons for it vary widely though. From liking to come in the mouth because of the way it feels and not being fast enough to make it to the mouth [technically, making the facial load an accident], to liking the visual impact, to enjoying returning the sense of taboo to sex in an age where that's all been obliterated, to having absolutely no inhibitions about anything and not really having thought about it all that much at all. These were all reasons given.
When I asked them to render an opinion on your predickament they all said, "fuck you," and went back to putting up posts on Craigslist for cooze. So it's left up to me and I say this: she was more than wrong for having led you down the primrose path. In her effort to have the cake and the frosting and eating the cake MINUS the frosting too, she played a foolish percentage that you would A] forget or B] be sensitive enough to know that she really didn't want this. Though we should guess that her not guessing at your generally low level of sensitivity was her problem.
But have you considered this: perhaps she NEEDED it to happen like this to absolve her of any responsibility for an act that she found erotic though shameful? I boned a woman who told me that she would never speak to me again if I did this to her. One night on El Camino Real, as I stood in the street and she blew me by the open door of her car I did exactly that. She later repeated her threat and not being able to silence myself I said "what the fuck was that the other night?" And she claimed inebriation and about this we have never spoken again.
Whatever.
You did the right thing, however, this relationship is much more trouble than it is worth because from our unofficial sampling there are only 99 percent of the woman out there who will, in the full spirit of joy and fuck, do exactly what you're having to wrestle this 1 percent of broad into doing now.
The math's on your side, my man.
