YO VINNIE,
I keep getting tricked into fucking ugly girls. It'll go something like this. My buddy will say, "we should double team this ugly broad." And like some weird fraternity hazing if someone else is doing it, well it doesn't seem so bad. But twice he's picked the ugliest woman and then backed out leaving ME to fuck the monster on my own. Yeah, yeah, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, but what I really need are strategies to avoid fucking ugly women under any circumstances. -- CHARLIE BROWN (by email)

PLEASE, OH PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE DOOR #2

Dear ROUND HEAD: Drawing yet another page from The SkullGame Pro Players handbook

rule #347: never fear the aggressive use of The Flee.

Or as the guy from the Church of Satan once said to me, "popularity has killed more people than anything."

Witness: ITALIAN SAL and I were scheming for a double teaming.

The woman in question? Yes. Barely human.

Sal began begging off on account of some illusory illness.

Seeing the writing on the wall I went for The Flee. "Oops. I left the condoms in my car."

The burning rubber, screech of tires and laughter of The Duping echoed across the goddamned ages.

What happened to Sal and The Beefaloe?

Well, I don't know and he's not telling. But what I DO know is a close encounter of the fat-assed kind was narrowly avoided. As was some potential mortal self-esteem suicide. Yes, her feelings may have been hurt but as hurt as her feelings were they weren't anywhere near as hurt as mine would have been after fucking her.

So remember this: only fuck ugly broads if you can later deny that you've done so.

Failed application of this strategem: MONICA LEWINSKY. Case fucking closed.