Mack Avenue Skullgame
Vinnie Pick of the Week
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As often as possibly. Preferably? For FREE.
[ Full Review ]








olivia2_re.jpg OLIVIA
Betsy says, "Partly truth, partly fiction, she's a walking contradiction." Jesus. We love OLIVIA. Like the ancient Greeks loved APHRODITE. Like a fat kid loves cake. She is the PATRON SAINT of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME and we will fight to the death to defend her honor and ranking as the best porn star ever. But she's more than that. Ohhh, much more than that. She's like our Mother Theresa. Mother Fucking Theresa. And most importantly she's not to be confused with Olivia Del Rio and all of the other Olivia's. There's only one HER and you shall have no others before HER. Amen.
italiansal.jpg ITALIAN SAL
Italian Sal will fuck you. And he will fight you. Speaking Italian like a motherfucker, Philly-native Sal, was actually born on a donkey in Sicily much like Michael Corleone. Unlike Michael Corleone, Sal is a competitive no-hold's barred fighter, writer and pussyhound non pareil whose SAN PORNCISCO porno company realized its ambition of getting Sal laid a lot. We mean A LOT. We mean so many times that, well we can't even really talk about it.
(Pictured: Sal choking an OLIVIA-detractor)
  ALLAN McD
Was Executive Editor for HUSTLER for 19 years. A Prince among men who got his asshole fucked raw when Flynt kicked his ass down the stairs for crimes and misdemeanors of an, as of yet, undisclosed nature, but which we suspect had to do with stealing office supplies. He is a GENIUS with a capital fuck J, though.
steelydan.jpg STEELY ROB
Well he asked us to call him Metal Rob but that was way too gay in like an "Arigato Mr. Robato" way, so, in homage to William Burrough's favorite dildo and the quasi-jazz band of the same name we started calling him Steely Rob just to piss him off. Especially since with only five years of karate under his belt he's no match for the rest of us AND he really does publish one of the biggest and best ass Metal mags around. www.maelstrom.nu. Plus he went to Journalism school. And a good one too.
cornholio_re.jpg CORNHOLIO
OK. We know we said NO pimp hats but CORNHOLIO who, though he's smiling here, is a bad motherfucker and we don't tell him shit because he's one of those bad motherfuckers in a kind of Hell's Angels kind of way in that you'll be joking with him and then all of a sudden he'll be slapping you and mumbling about RESPECT and shit like that. So, dude, whatever. He was on MTV once. We SAW it. Threatening some broad with an icepick. So he can do exactly whatever the fuck he wants.
BUTCHER BOB
Guys in luxury automobiles always laugh the hardest right before they've been liberated from said luxury automobiles and have to hoof it home minus their car, shoes and house keys. Did we say HOOF? You goddamned right we did/do because it always pays to know a man who is good with his hands, a blade and a piece of dead meat so that questions like -- will it fit? -- are mere rhetorical devices and not to be overly concerned with in a time of pressing need. So, meet the BUTCHER. The go to man for when you need somebody's meat chopped.
SCOTTY B.
He will piss in your coffee. He's done it before. He'll do it again. No no no...not by pulling out his cock at your cafe table. His level of couth notwithstanding. But he'll go into the bathroom, piss into an empty cup, come out of the bathroom acting like he's sipping it and spill its contents into your cup as you glance away mid-sentence about some music that you believe is supposed to make you seem cool. You see SCOTTY is a born critic.
Idaho will do that to a man.
HABIB_HUSSAIN_re.jpg HABIB HUSSAIN
By day, an Islamic bartender, by night a MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME motherfucker. Stretching the tape at 6'4" and 240 pounds he plays in a band called condition, www.conditionsucks.com. He thinks Porno is the devil's waterslide and he hopes that by watching them and warning you of the evils contained therein that he will save you from an eternity in hellfire. Yeah. Right. Whatever.
friend_english.jpg ENGLISH BOB
He's English. His name is KENN. He goes to art school. Hence, ENGLISH BOB.

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

A.K.A. The Fucking Flying Dutchman is like one of those guys that was damned near indispensable to almost any neighborhood when we wuz growing up: the guy who would do anything. Which is sort of cool. When you're 10. When you're 10 having a guy around who'll eat shit off the ground is GOOD. It breaks up all of that fart-lighting, piss-water balloon monotony. Now, however, it just fucking means almost NONE of us have to review any of the homo-panic inducing Tranny Porn. Nope. The Flying Dutchman does it all. Which means in very practical terms: WHATEVER he wants is A-FUCKING-OK with us. Just as long as he keeps watching that good ol' Tranny Porn. And eating shit off of the office floor for our sordid amusements when things get slow. Oh, yeah, he really is Dutch, too.

JIMMY THE G

Remember the last time you took your car to a mechanic and you said some shit like "well it was making this funny sort of FLAPPING noise." And then you imitated the noise. For like 5 minutes. And the whole time the mechanic you're talking to is just smiling. And not saying much? Remember that? And then when you came back the next two or 10 times and your car wasn't ready? And then when it finally was ready you drove it away and it exploded, shooting pistons right through your fucking engine block? Remember that? You fucking remember that?!?!

Well then maybe next time you'll remember that your mechanic hates you.

And JIMMY THE G is your mechanic.

Happy fucking motoring.

PACHANGA!

POW!!! BAM!!! BOOM!!!
And that's just in the first goddamned minutes. You got that KJ? Smoke that shit, man. Because if you don't smoke it, PACHANGA! will. Because he wrote the book on smoking it. Fucking it. AND fucking forgetting it AFTER fucking it. Are you a Hot Bitch With A Pussy That Fucks (HBWAPTF)? Then come around, eh, haina.


WERNER ASSBENDER

He calls himself FASSBINDER, we call him ASSBENDER. We call him ASSBENDER, he only responds to FASSBINDER. Hilarity ensues. And so do big giant titties. Which he is a fan of. That and sportsbars, Leroy Neiman prints of guys playing polo, and big giant titties. Or did we already mention that. He is also a fan of the HUFF, the GLOWER and the SLOW STEAM. And he can make fun of you 14 different ways, not a single one of which will even ever dawn on you. He digs his London flat, because he knows that London ain't where it's at. Yeah yeah, just keep on smiling. You'll get it. Sooner or later.

RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JR.

You know how we know when someone's going to jail? When they ask us right out of the box "Hey, can I be one of Vinnie's friends?" Sure motherfucking sign. Which is exactly what RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JUNIOR did. While nervously eyeing an all-night convenience shoppe and telling us about his bitches. Enjoy him while you can. Which is to say, before he has to spend all of his time either fighting off anal rape or trying to anally rape someone in one of the fine, fine penal institutions somewhere in the American South.

MR. XTRA

When some are only willing to go as far as it takes, perhaps taking the SkullGame patented "Path of Least Cocksistence," a man like MR. XTRA is willing to go, well, that extra mile. A convert of mail order hypno-sex kits and a furious assmaster, XTRA rocks the antipodes and drives a hard bargain insofar as the anuses of Asian women are concerned. When he first wandered over to Casa Skull he sat on the couch, said nothing and budged not a foot until we unleashed the semi-auto rifles, which he then proceeded to fire with wild abandon. At the neighbor's cats. Which is why we don't live there no more. Which is also why neither do the cats.

ANGEL BABY

"I mean it's a well-known fact: I'd rather play cards than to spend time with a flat-chested woman." -- Russ Meyer

While monomaniacal Meyer was like a laser for a pair of well-turned out tay tays, we, of more catholic interests, like to take in to account the TOTAL woman. Namely, her TOTAL willingness to let us blow loads on said tay tays. In fact there is a carefully drawn calculus here: smaller tits with a greater propensity for drawing loads will rank higher than pneumatic ones that are loadless. Fortunately with the resident SkullGame hot bitch, ANGEL BABY, this is of very little concern. Translation: they are big AND they
draw loads. With English as her second language, we excuse a lot simply BECAUSE of the psychic driving power of both her punnany and her protuberances. What does she DO outside of give us reasons to jerk off? Does she NEED to do anything else?

JUDGE ROY BEAN

If justice and love are blind then goddamned good thing Bean memorized his
way to both. And the liquor cabinet, while he was at it. If you live in
Indiana you will soon get hip to his act: befriending the friendless,
helping the hopeless, and shaking all and sundry down for a dollar that will
frequently be their very last. Because he fucking CARES. Note to everyone
from Indiana: he uses BIG words. Have a dictionary, that big book about
everything that you use to prop up your pathetic hopes for the Pacers, close
by.

mspio.jpg

MS. PINK

Now SHE fucking exists. This much is known. Except for The Gypsy's Curse. Which is, MAY YOU FIND A CUNT THAT FITS YOU. So we sent her some vids to review and she did. No prob. Easy schmeasy. But apparently like a key fits a lock one day we sent her the vid that was like the cunt that fits you and this was the vid that sent her into a spiral of masturbation, regret, masturbation, hunt for cock, masturbation, regret, repeat as necessary. She, like Col. Kurtz is goddamned GONE. And the worst part is: we forgot which vid it was that was the psychic blast that moved her from normal woman to cock hound. If you see her, be careful. Be very, very careful.

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YOZA

When we first got to Cali, YOZA was one of the first people we met. He had radically redefined the surf concept of localism by choosing to live in a treehouse on Hermosa Beach. A treehouse that allowed him without a glimmer of amusement to call the sand beneath his fucking feet and the surf beyond, HIS. Disagreed with his assessment? Get your board broken in half, your jaw broken and your mouth jammed full of sand.

Advantages: Always has good bud.
Drawbacks: Likes to steal.

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CUPCAKE


If you come down to the SkullGame offices, maybe we look up from our computers. Maybe we don't. Maybe we speak to you. Maybe we chase you out with a stick. It's totally unreliable and largely based on who made the drug run that day and what they got from CORNHOLIO's friend, RASTA, who lives in the oleander bushes by the 7-11.

That is, unless of course, you're a WOMAN. In which case, you'll be treated with, and to, all the courtly manner befitting a distaff visitor to our humble abode: a mad scramble and chair knocking over DOUBLE TEAMING.

CUPCAKE was such a visitor. Who after aforementioned doubleteaming decided not to pursue legal remedies to the fact that she had not, in fact, ASKED for a doubleteaming, by being made a "staffer." We're glad to have her. From either end.

TEABAG TEABAG

He loves Olivia almost as much as we do. Which is why we got our eye on him.
Like right now. We're in a car in front of Olivia's condo watching him
watching her.

Exactly.

You can't tell a lunatic without a scorecard around here.

But he's got an inherent good FEEL for GOOD porn and is probably the only
one in this whole fucking place who wouldn't know how to find his fast
forward button if you drew him a goddamned map to one. Which means when he's
not watching Olivia vacuum and water her plants he's watching porn. Lots and
lots of porn. And lots. And watching. And waiting.

DShtbx.jpg


HOTBOX

Is largely missing in action. We don't know why. Suspect it might have something to do with the "moral turpitude" clause in the SkullGame contract. That is: moral turpitude must be engaged in. With great frequency. Last seen playing on-line scrabble and contemplating religious conversion.

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HEINRICH BIMMLER

Not the real thing but an incredible simulation, HEINRICH, host of cable TV's ENTER THE FOURTH REICH, derides Jews as "Hebrew head lice", denigrates Blacks as "subspecies" and "mud people," and decries the Holocaust Museum (what he calls The Museum of German Achievement) as a testament of lies. He has pictures of muscle men on his bunker's bedroom wall. Make of this what you would.

"Heil Schwarzenegger!!!"

animalthug_re.jpg ANIMAL THUG
Yeah. We tried. And tried. And tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to dissuade him from using that name but he wouldnt fucking listen. Thats right Golden Boy wouldnt listen so now we have his reviews glossed with some nameplate that makes you think of Marlon Perkins AND Tupac Shakur. Fuck it, the boy can write and as soon as we forgive him of the almost unforgivable crime of 1) not EVER flushing any good pussy our way and 2) not picking us up at the airport when the MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME sled was in need of repair, we might stop running this fake and cred destroying photo of him. Yeah. Just as soon as.

www.buckwildstatus.com
  THE CHICKS
It works like this: we meet a broad, kind of cute, and after like a few minutes of romancing, we bust out with, "Hey, you want to watch some porno movies?" And now of course she thinks you mean watch them with YOU like you're some kind of a Travis Bickle character, but then to show what a totally stoney fucking dude you are, like you're so cool you don't even care about FUCKING, you say all snide like, "No. Not with ME" like you'd never even consider THAT possibility "I mean by yourself to review or something." And then we pop out the whole MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME trip and she's hooked and thinks we're like THE SHIT for just as long as she needs to for it to not feel so slutty to be fucking us, which, if history is any guide at all is exactly, 3 days and 2 hours.
perry_the_greek_re.jpg PERRY THE GREEK
Is currently in jail for selling stolen cars. We pray for his safe and anally unmolested return.
  THE DOCTOR
Sometimes at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME the pressure just gets to be too much. We mean too fucking much. You know, porno, porno, porn slut, porno, 3 days awake with porno and porn sluts, writing the reviews, watching the pornos.listen, it's a tough gig and you know sometimes we have a need of certain MEDICINES. That's where THE DOCTOR comes in. We let him think he can write, he writes us scrip, simple.
argentine.jpg THE ARGENTINE
The Argentine smiles when hes talking to you. The Argentine understands the rules of the game. Hell do exactly what you ask him to do tonight and then tomorrow morning youll do it his way. Then youll apologize for last night. The Argentine would never kill a man who crossed him when he could keep the fucker alive and make him pay. The Argentine is smarter than you. The Argentine can prove it. Just say his name to your girlfriend. Say, whats that look in her eye?
friend_nickballs.jpg MR. NICKY BALLS
He is a prince among men. A foreigner among natives. A cat among alleys. Ladies (yeah, right) and gentlemen: it's the NICKY BALLS show. And he's the perfect host UNLESS and UNTIL you mention ANYTHING music-related then it's SLOWLY I TURNED....But even though at well over 6'2" and 230 MR. BALLS is one of the biggest MACK AVENUE habitues, he is most assuredly the most gentle (THE DOCTOR is bigger at 6'6", formerly 275 but he's an asshole...and the dangerous kind to boot) and gracious. Which means a whole hell of a lot when he's climbing off of your old lady. Read him and weep. And then read him again. And weep some more. Then go have a sandwich.
T-Bone Santa T-BONE SANTA
SKULLGAME welcomes a new staffer T-BONE SANTA whose fucking claim to fame is that he made it through our intensive hazing program that includes drinking copious amounts of your own urine, enforced sleeplessness (non-Meth induced), and withering and sardonic looks whenever you turn in a review, no matter how good it is. He has described himself straightfacedly as a "tastemaker" who likes Asian porn. He also says he's not gay. Whatever.
friend_toot.jpg TOOT SWEET
So this is the breakdown. THE DOCTOR gets us med pharms and TOOT SWEET handles all the rest. We mean for RESEARCH FUCKING PURPOSES ONLY!!! Goddamn it. She's got the motherfucking hook up, like hook up is going out of style and she actually has a friend who has a whole CRACK pyramid scheme going who goes by the name of WHACK. On a serious note it should be mentioned that she is a virtual giantess and we need to stand on phone books when we fuck her.


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