THE FLYING DUTCHMAN

A.K.A. The Fucking Flying Dutchman is like one of those guys that was damned near indispensable to almost any neighborhood when we wuz growing up: the guy who would do anything. Which is sort of cool. When you're 10. When you're 10 having a guy around who'll eat shit off the ground is GOOD. It breaks up all of that fart-lighting, piss-water balloon monotony. Now, however, it just fucking means almost NONE of us have to review any of the homo-panic inducing Tranny Porn. Nope. The Flying Dutchman does it all. Which means in very practical terms: WHATEVER he wants is A-FUCKING-OK with us. Just as long as he keeps watching that good ol' Tranny Porn. And eating shit off of the office floor for our sordid amusements when things get slow. Oh, yeah, he really is Dutch, too.

Remember the last time you took your car to a mechanic and you said some shit like "well it was making this funny sort of FLAPPING noise." And then you imitated the noise. For like 5 minutes. And the whole time the mechanic you're talking to is just smiling. And not saying much? Remember that? And then when you came back the next two or 10 times and your car wasn't ready? And then when it finally was ready you drove it away and it exploded, shooting pistons right through your fucking engine block? Remember that? You fucking remember that?!?!

Well then maybe next time you'll remember that your mechanic hates you.

And JIMMY THE G is your mechanic.

Happy fucking motoring.

POW!!! BAM!!! BOOM!!!
And that's just in the first goddamned minutes. You got that KJ? Smoke that shit, man. Because if you don't smoke it, PACHANGA! will. Because he wrote the book on smoking it. Fucking it. AND fucking forgetting it AFTER fucking it. Are you a Hot Bitch With A Pussy That Fucks (HBWAPTF)? Then come around, eh, haina.

He calls himself FASSBINDER, we call him ASSBENDER. We call him ASSBENDER, he only responds to FASSBINDER. Hilarity ensues. And so do big giant titties. Which he is a fan of. That and sportsbars, Leroy Neiman prints of guys playing polo, and big giant titties. Or did we already mention that. He is also a fan of the HUFF, the GLOWER and the SLOW STEAM. And he can make fun of you 14 different ways, not a single one of which will even ever dawn on you. He digs his London flat, because he knows that London ain't where it's at. Yeah yeah, just keep on smiling. You'll get it. Sooner or later.

You know how we know when someone's going to jail? When they ask us right out of the box "Hey, can I be one of Vinnie's friends?" Sure motherfucking sign. Which is exactly what RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES, JUNIOR did. While nervously eyeing an all-night convenience shoppe and telling us about his bitches. Enjoy him while you can. Which is to say, before he has to spend all of his time either fighting off anal rape or trying to anally rape someone in one of the fine, fine penal institutions somewhere in the American South.

When some are only willing to go as far as it takes, perhaps taking the SkullGame patented "Path of Least Cocksistence," a man like MR. XTRA is willing to go, well, that extra mile. A convert of mail order hypno-sex kits and a furious assmaster, XTRA rocks the antipodes and drives a hard bargain insofar as the anuses of Asian women are concerned. When he first wandered over to Casa Skull he sat on the couch, said nothing and budged not a foot until we unleashed the semi-auto rifles, which he then proceeded to fire with wild abandon. At the neighbor's cats. Which is why we don't live there no more. Which is also why neither do the cats.

"I mean it's a well-known fact: I'd rather play cards than to spend time with a flat-chested woman." -- Russ Meyer

While monomaniacal Meyer was like a laser for a pair of well-turned out tay tays, we, of more catholic interests, like to take in to account the TOTAL woman. Namely, her TOTAL willingness to let us blow loads on said tay tays. In fact there is a carefully drawn calculus here: smaller tits with a greater propensity for drawing loads will rank higher than pneumatic ones that are loadless. Fortunately with the resident SkullGame hot bitch, ANGEL BABY, this is of very little concern. Translation: they are big AND they
draw loads. With English as her second language, we excuse a lot simply BECAUSE of the psychic driving power of both her punnany and her protuberances. What does she DO outside of give us reasons to jerk off? Does she NEED to do anything else?

If justice and love are blind then goddamned good thing Bean memorized his
way to both. And the liquor cabinet, while he was at it. If you live in
Indiana you will soon get hip to his act: befriending the friendless,
helping the hopeless, and shaking all and sundry down for a dollar that will
frequently be their very last. Because he fucking CARES. Note to everyone
from Indiana: he uses BIG words. Have a dictionary, that big book about
everything that you use to prop up your pathetic hopes for the Pacers, close
by.

MS. PINK

Now SHE fucking exists. This much is known. Except for The Gypsy's Curse. Which is, MAY YOU FIND A CUNT THAT FITS YOU. So we sent her some vids to review and she did. No prob. Easy schmeasy. But apparently like a key fits a lock one day we sent her the vid that was like the cunt that fits you and this was the vid that sent her into a spiral of masturbation, regret, masturbation, hunt for cock, masturbation, regret, repeat as necessary. She, like Col. Kurtz is goddamned GONE. And the worst part is: we forgot which vid it was that was the psychic blast that moved her from normal woman to cock hound. If you see her, be careful. Be very, very careful.

YOZA

When we first got to Cali, YOZA was one of the first people we met. He had radically redefined the surf concept of localism by choosing to live in a treehouse on Hermosa Beach. A treehouse that allowed him without a glimmer of amusement to call the sand beneath his fucking feet and the surf beyond, HIS. Disagreed with his assessment? Get your board broken in half, your jaw broken and your mouth jammed full of sand.

Advantages: Always has good bud.
Drawbacks: Likes to steal.

CUPCAKE

If you come down to the SkullGame offices, maybe we look up from our computers. Maybe we don't. Maybe we speak to you. Maybe we chase you out with a stick. It's totally unreliable and largely based on who made the drug run that day and what they got from CORNHOLIO's friend, RASTA, who lives in the oleander bushes by the 7-11.

That is, unless of course, you're a WOMAN. In which case, you'll be treated with, and to, all the courtly manner befitting a distaff visitor to our humble abode: a mad scramble and chair knocking over DOUBLE TEAMING.

CUPCAKE was such a visitor. Who after aforementioned doubleteaming decided not to pursue legal remedies to the fact that she had not, in fact, ASKED for a doubleteaming, by being made a "staffer." We're glad to have her. From either end.

He loves Olivia almost as much as we do. Which is why we got our eye on him.
Like right now. We're in a car in front of Olivia's condo watching him
watching her.

Exactly.

You can't tell a lunatic without a scorecard around here.

But he's got an inherent good FEEL for GOOD porn and is probably the only
one in this whole fucking place who wouldn't know how to find his fast
forward button if you drew him a goddamned map to one. Which means when he's
not watching Olivia vacuum and water her plants he's watching porn. Lots and
lots of porn. And lots. And watching. And waiting.

HOTBOX

Is largely missing in action. We don't know why. Suspect it might have something to do with the "moral turpitude" clause in the SkullGame contract. That is: moral turpitude must be engaged in. With great frequency. Last seen playing on-line scrabble and contemplating religious conversion.

HEINRICH BIMMLER

Not the real thing but an incredible simulation, HEINRICH, host of cable TV's ENTER THE FOURTH REICH, derides Jews as "Hebrew head lice", denigrates Blacks as "subspecies" and "mud people," and decries the Holocaust Museum (what he calls The Museum of German Achievement) as a testament of lies. He has pictures of muscle men on his bunker's bedroom wall. Make of this what you would.

"Heil Schwarzenegger!!!"