YO VINNIE,
I recently discovered my woman was fucking other men. Not another MAN but MEN. Now we always had a loose open arrangement but I figured maybe an Ex here, a one night stand there. This is not what happened. She fucked NINE guys. In pretty rapid succession. Strangers she met online. This seems outside the boundaries of what we had agreed on. She claims a cock is a cock and I'm just jealous. Can I get some back up here? -- H.M. (by email)

HOW OFTEN DO WE AGREE WITH A DUDE'S CHICK JUST BECAUSE WE'RE MACKING ON THE DUDE'S CHICK? 347?

Dear STINGY McGREEDY: Oh. I see. First of all like McGruff the crime dog says, "get in, get out, bip bam boop."

Or even more famously, "a contract's as good as the goddamned toilet paper it's printed on."

Which means that your agreement was one of those Sunday morning-laying-in-bed hypothetical scenarios that you're pissed off you kinda made because you were only half listening when she was talking in the first place. But you can't have REALLY expected us to side with you when it stands to a large degree of certainty that one of those cocks she threw herself upon belonged to one of us here do you? [Besides which, we love the idea that everybody loves a slut, but no one wants to marry one.] Well, this is your problem. In more ways than one. She either wants to sup on strange sausage because of some major personal failing of yours [cock, and what you do with it; wallet, and what you can't do with it] OR she's just what we here on THE MACK call a NATURAL whose interest in sausage both far and wide largely exceeds that able to be conceived of by your lying, timid fucking morality. I, myself, once dated a woman who had fucked over 3000 men [yes, she was a whore]. And at least three more while we were together [one for money, one for love and one for a plane ticket....heyyyy...you can take the girl out of the ho house but you can't take the ho house out of the girl]. Did you ever hear me complain even once? No. Why the fuck not? Because it was ME standing on top of that mountain and realistically unless she was a virgin when you met her what difference does it make what she does with her quim as long as she also does it with you?

And don't gimme that shit about disease...you're likelier to get hit by a bus. Driven by a bus driver on his way to bang your old lady.

Sorry my man. It is YOU who is at fault here. You don't like her ways? Start hanging out in churches. Or Utah.

Prick.