Yo Vinnie,
I used to love dropping loads. Lots of loads. Specifically on chick's faces. Something about seeing my work, her pleasure spread out all far and wide just made me happy. Then one day I was dumping a load on to this chick's face and I notice she got her mouth shut tight. And it suddenly dawned on me. She was deathly AFRAID of getting my spooge in her mouth and the face was the preferred alternative because of her fears. Why was she afraid? She didn't want to "catch anything" she could pass on to her boyfriend. Not only was I hurt and angry, but now I find that loads on the face don't bring me nearly the same pleasure as they once did. You seem like a bright guy. How might I go about recapturing the joy of a big ol' load on the face? -- Sad & Loadless [by email]

"HATCHES, BATTENED, CAP'N. AFT DOORS SECURED. WE'RE NOW 100 % LOAD PROOF! AYE FUCKING AYE!"

Dear DIOGENES: Oh man. We feel your pain. We feel your fucking pain. The peregrinations that some of these sluts will twist themselves through to prove to no-one-in-particular that their various acts of loadametrics are anything BUT (for a wide variety of possibly "ethical" or "moral" issues) can take down whole fucking cities. OPRAH'S entire empire is built on essentially creating justifications for not only killing your husband and kids, but for snarking down any bit of available sausage you want and using the husband you will/have killed as ample justification for doing so.

Which is why women are full of shit.

In their highly causal universes they do all of what they do BECAUSE of some other reason/person and personal responsibility is completely absent. Men do this too but those of us who DO do it, do it only because we're afraid of women.

Otherwise a man conversation goes like this:

"Why'd you fuck your bud's old lady? Yeah, the one that looks like a gargoyle."

"She sucks a good dick."

Case. Fucking. Closed.

So this bubblehead will let you bang her all ways to Sunday but somehow is "protecting" her boyfriend from your cooties by taking copious loads of jiz on the face?!?!?!?

Perfect.

Despite the fact that this epidemiologically unsound, why do you think there's been no HIV EPIDEMIC on the heterosexual side of the hall (if that's even what she's afraid of)? Because in 1st world countries it doesn't exist. More people get hit by cars than contract HIV....and this is true even in communities, IV drug users and homos, where this shit might be expected to be.

But you didn't ask for a science lesson: how to rediscover the joy of loads in the face? That's what you asked.

Practice. Long, hard, hard continual practice and a wide variety of willing, and possibly only begrudgingly willing, partners....those who love the load on the face as well as down the gullet and who are not nearly so full of shit.

This is your mission my man: go. Find. Them.

Tell them, Vinnie sent you.