Yo Vinnie,
This woman asked me to come over to her place the other day. We are just friends since we won't fuck around with me when I have another girlfriend and I always have another girlfriend. She was just getting out the shower and asked to help her put some lotion on her back. She drops her towel and while I lotion her back she's lotioning her front. I make a move. Not even a "move," but just physically move my body and she recoils like I WAS going to do something. Then she asks me to leave. Is this what they call a cock tease? And, if so, is there a strategy to beat this? -- How E.

"GOD...I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO FUCK ME...LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A WOMAN WITH NO PANTS & BIG KNOBS BEFORE. WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING PIG ARE YOU?!?"

Dear MR. THE DUCK: IS THAT A COCK TEASE?!?!? Not in my book, actually, no. That's what we, in the field, call "business as usual." You remember those cartoons when the girl adjusts her stocking or something and the men passing by all turn into wolves and their eyes bulge out and their heads turn into fucking thermometers? Well, so does she and any sense that anything else is happening here marks YOU as GAY or her as UNDESIREABLE, both of which are completely and totally damaging to your chances of making the endgame move toward any kind of a load being extracted from your body by her. So, you do what you've seen done all the time on those goddamn nature shows: clunk on her the head and fuck her before fleeing in a rustle of feathers with a shriek. That's what we call a "quip," there boy as the reality is much too horrible to bear since the answer is: not a goddamned thing.

Like THE DOCTOR says, a woman won't talk to you if she doesn't like you even if your car is on fire. Meaning IF she talks to you she likes you and it's just a matter of time. We used to have this fella named THE FLY...he lived in our garage and one day apropos of nothing he busts out with: "i fucked 63 women last year." Precisely the thing you DON'T expect some guy living in a garage to bust out with.

How'd he do it?

Just by hanging around. Hence the nickname. He just hung around and hung around and hung around, apparently 63 broads, and like a bad penny eventually it was going to be his turn and it was. As far as strategy goes this is all we can recommend. We, never having this problem ourselves, can only guess at its general level of effectiveness.

But if you're asking what "I" would do? I'd pull out my cock and scream VIVA LA VEGAS!!!

Works every time.