www.crackwhoreconfessions.com

THE AUTHOR. IN A MOMENT OF QUIET REFLECTION. AND TOTAL FUCKUPEDNESS

The New Year is about to dawn on doings around THE GODDAMNED MACK and no New Year would be complete without a whole fucking lot of CRACK.

So say the habitues of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME, along with the 6.2 million Americans who ALSO admit to smoking crack at least once, twice or 20 times a week. But numbers don't mean knowledge and with the increased presence of slangers, almost as prevalent and noxious as a Starbucks on every corner, we thought the rookies might need a little friendly advice. And someone to share their fucking crack with and so forthwith:

SKULLGAME'S CRACK ATTACK ON THE MACK

1) Don't buy gaffel (unless you're planning to get popped, in which case the DA will dismiss possession charges). Real crack comes in waxy yellow chunks and is immediately absorbed into the bloodstream through the lungs in 19 seconds to reach what's left of your brain. If you do it right, it's the next best thing to booting pure powder. Since the DEA estimates that rocks are between 75-90% pure cocaine, we figure it's the best fucking bang for your buck.

2) Make a pipe by placing a 1/4" of Chore-Boy scouring pad in the end of a glass cylinder. Or you can buy one from any crack head on the street for $5.

3) Hold the pipe vertically, and place your quality rock on the Chore-Boy. Carefully melt the rock just a little bit.

4) Bring the pipe horizontally to your lips, light the melted crack and gently suck on the devil's johnson.

5) Rotate the pipe, being careful not the hold the flame too close as you inhale.

6) Immediately exhale. Crack is not like pot; holding the hit in just crystallizes your lungs.

7) The ringing in your ears and spinning in your head should keep you euphoric for the next few minutes...until you start to fiend for your next hit.

Now you too can become a cracker jack doing the chicken scratch a.k.a a crack user searching on hands and knees for crack crumbs.

SKULLGAME'S CRACK MACK BLOW YO MOTHA FUCKING STACK JACK RECIPE FOR ROCKIN' IT UP FOR THE BEST DAMN NEW YEAR'S PARTY EVER.

I'M A CRACK HO....AND I VOTE!

INGREDIENTS:
15 grams cocaine
18 oz Grand Marnier liqueur
18 oz Famous Grouse scotch
18 oz Pellegrino sparkling mineral water
1/2 teaspoon coriander
5 grams Rexal Formula III baking powder

EQUIPMENT:
Vulcon Quantum-QM 100 large capacity centrifuge
Electrothermal Bunsen burner
24 50ml Belco 3037-Graduated shallow cone bottom centrifuge tubes
Large Tupperware container

INSTRUCTIONS:
-Mix cocaine, Grand Marnier and scotch in Tupperware container. Seal tightly and let sit overnight in a cool, dry place.

-In the morning, mix in Pellegrino, baking powder and coriander. Reserve 1/2 cup.

-Distribute mixture evenly in the 24 centrifuge tubes.

-Put tubes in centrifuge for 15 minutes at 2885 RPM.

-Remove tubes and let sit overnight.

-In morning, distribute reserved mixture evenly to each tube.

-Put in centrifuge for 45 minutes at 1500 RPM.

-Remove tubes and heat each individually with a Bunsen burner for 15 minutes at 900 degrees celsius.

-Let sit for 15 minutes

-Remove crack rocks from bottom of each test tube and enjoy.

Serves 7

Oh. Yeah. And before we forget: the best website about buffers into baby
T aka chicks who suck dick for crack is www.crackwhoreconfessions.com.

Billed as "too controversial for Springer", this site has plenty of dick sucking, ass fucking and pipe huffing pictures accompanied by a tragi-comic paragraph synopsizing each bitch's rocky road to hell.

Titilating, to be sure, but the promised "free video" that would "scar your mind" never materialized.

Instead I got a page of whack-ass text that looked like a string of swear words in an Andy Capp comic. Maybe I did something wrong. Or maybe it was just the crack talking to me. I don't know. You try it.--TOOT SWEET

SHOUTS OUT: Jamie, Whack, Coco, Machiavelli, Cee, Peanut & Cleo.

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The Dark Secret of Sucking Sausage

I COME LIKE A BREEZE IN THE NIGHT. AND YOU COME LIKE A LOAD IN THE MOUTH. WELCOME TO THE NINJA BLOWJOB!!!!

Permutations, iterations, and variations all on themes older than the most ancient of ancient asian secrets to wit: trying to sell filmic depictions of someone other than you getting, having, or sucking cock. In this case the admixture--Ninja and blowjobs--works about as well as BLOWJOBS and BACON or BADMINTON and BLOWJOBS. That is: blowjobs seem to go nice with just about anything providing they're not being provided by the grizzled maws of fumbling old men in the priesthood.

And so this offshot of shit from the most untogether rich guys we know, the cats at BANG BUS, tries to improve on a theme that can't ever really be improved on: cocks in the mouths of hot bitches. We mean how many ways could you fuck this up? Well, we watch enough of this shit to know and they manage to fuck NOT fuck them up any of the traditional ways of fucking this up which are

1] too much talking

2] ...about stupid shit

3] ugly broads talking too much about stupid shit

4] uninspired cock sucking by ugly broads talking too much about stupid shit and finally

5] sluts who obviously hate the cock sucking it like they hate it.

None of that here.

Could we jerk off to it?

How could we NOT?

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Say Hel-lo To My Ho Ho's

SHE WAS IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE INTERPOL SHOW? AND NOW TO PAY FOR HER BUDGETARILY UNSOUND DECISION TO GO IN A FUCKING LIMO, SHE'S ABOUT TO SUCK PASTE? AND SHE'S NEEEVVVEERR DONE THIS BEFORE? AHH, THE TRIFECTA OF TANG!!!

After a certain point, if you're anything like us, you're quite fucking certain that the entire world is off somewhere where you can't see them either sucking cock or having said cock, sucked. Like the Wizard of Oz, this someplace over the fucking rainbow actually has a name and face and a place in space.

And it's called CASH.

Wherein dwelleth oodles and oodles of filthy lucre just waiting to provide the merest veneer of an excuse for all kinds of behavior.

"Oh. This is an audition for a beauty calendar? And all I have to do to be IN the calendar is suck, fuck, duck and roll through a saucepot's worth of semen? Well, I..."

"We'll give you $50."

"...I'm in."

Fucking hell. Has it always been this goddamned easy?

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With a Hocus Pocus, You're In MotherFucking Focus

TO QUOTE SCHULTZ, "I SEE NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING LIKE A HAT WITH A BIG FUCKING CAMERA ON IT. NOPE. NOTHING AT ALL."

You wanna know what they mean when they say viral marketing?

They mean that supposin' you're feeling in the mood for mud-lounging PIGS? OK, so where do you go to? Try HOT NUDE GRANNIES. (whatever you do, do NOT, we repeat, DO NOT, click on this fucking link. You will come to deeply regret it. -- This message brought to you by Cocks For Christ.) Well after jinking around Hot Nude you see a link to last week's ASS PARADE. And so from the parade of ASS to HERE: Spring Break SPY Cam.

Ohhhh.

You see it's probably an illusion that this porn shit all comes from OTHER places/companies. There is probably just ONE giant porn conglomerate. Call it, GLOBO LOAD, that produces everything you jerk off to.

And in this instance Globo Load is called Bang Bros.

And this site is ANOTHER one of their sites and while their sites are usually reliably reliable, this premise just insults our fucking intelligence, little though it may be: when a woman is LOOKING INTO THE FUCKING CAMERA don't try and sell me on the "fact" that she's being filmed by a HIDDEN CAMERA. Unless she's blind, it seems very clearly that you think WE'RE stupid.

Yes, yes, no one knows they're being filmed. Wooooooo Hooooooo....and this isn't just BANG BUS retread? And "gullible" ain't in the dictionary either.

OK, OK, here's a prescription for fucking disaster

1) lots and lots of coke
2) more money than you ever imagined you'd make when you were working at WalMart
3) hot bitches with pussies that fuck.

It is almost inevitable that this will lead to quality lag. Inevitable and welcome. I mean it makes them almost human.

Thank you, Globo Load, thank YOU!!!

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ROPES. APPARENTLY.

YEAH. I'M GOING OUT FOR A PACK OF CIGARETTES. I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK, BABY.

I ain't never been that big a' fan of bondage, you know. It seemed like a lot of schoolwork that needed to be done before recess. If I wanna hold somebody still, at 6'2" and 225 pounds well I'll just fucking HOLD THEM STILL. So yeah yeah, as dinner theater went I'd still prefer a little light comedy with my sausage.

Until this conversation:

Her: "I just...well I shouldn't even be telling you this but...well just the idea of getting tied up makes me fucking WET..."

Me: "ME TOO!!! I mean,uh, tying YOU up makes me wet. I mean HARD. HARD I mean, goddamn it."

Her: "Well.....which knots would you use on me?"

Yeah, this is where the cartoon wah wah wah music kicks in as I pathetically ignore it and try to come up with shit that makes me sound like I know what I'm doing.

"Baby, I lay that Grand Windsor on you, and your pussy won't know what hit it."

And miracle of miracles it WORKED. Except who the fuck knew what a Grand Windsor was?

Well this site was good for that. Sort of. Sort of enough to get me in, get her tied down, and get me fucking before it had been realized: a Grand Windsor is a fucking tie for cravats.

Perfect.

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California Pimping...On Such A Summer Day

I'M REALLY JUST A HUMBLE EARTH SCIENCES MAJOR. BUT I DO THIS BECAUSE I NEED MONEY FOR, UM, YOU KNOW, BOOKS. AND COKE.

Come on...sing along with me. Come on sing!!!!

P is for the Pussy that you gave me.
I is for the Itching that you gave me.
M is for the Money that you gave me.
P is for the Penis that I gave you.

And when you put them all together, well, you get motherfucking PIMP because that's who we are to you!!!

Now blow out the fucking candles, beeyatch.

While CALIFORNIA PIMP sounds like an oxymoron to end all oxymorons (look it up, moron), these motherfuckers know their way around a piece of pussy. And very specifically COLLEGE age pussy. Girls who, you sense, generally feel like they're TOO GOOD for an old school dicking down. In other words precisely the kind of girl you want to see getting dicked down.

Albeit there is a stunning lack of antenna play here. Remarkably little repeated demands for money. And not a whole lot of pimp-SLAPPING. This is more than made up for by getting to see sluts who sternly hoped their sluttishness would be a well kept secret.

Guess again, baby.

America, meet Daphne. She's a slut.

Daphne, meet America. We're amused.

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MEN IN PAIN? AND THAT AIN'T HALF THE STORY.

WE'D BE GUESSING, BASED ON WHAT WE KNOW HAPPENS NEXT, THAT WE COULD USE A LITTLE OF SUCHLIKE "PAIN"

There are some sites that make you laugh. And then there are some sites that make you laugh and laugh. And finally there are some sites that make you laugh so fucking hard that you truly believe that there will be little option for escape outside of a good pants crap.

This is such a site.

Men In Pain? Jesus Christ. Wasn't that that Australian band from the '80s? Men In Pain!!! You want fucking men in pain? I'll show you some men in pain. How about this: the men who thought it made sense to not pay our dear friend Mr. DeLuca the $14Gs he was owed for services rendered? Or what about thems that thought it amusing to not pay our close and personal associate Ciccio the money he won on Boston winning the World Series?

You see, these are true and accurate renderings of men in pain. Men in pain, crawling around the carpet trying to locate whatever teeth they had left subsequent to our social calls. Men in pain at not having enough to pay the goddamned rent because he had to pay it all to us to keep his fingers on his body. THESE are the men we were hoping to see.

Instead, we got some San Francisco art students getting blowjobs from some other San Francisco art students/hot bitch "sex workers" who will own SUVs and vote Republican before the decade is out.

We won't be fucking fooled.

If this is pain, gimme gimme gimme.

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Heya Mom? How was your ANAL ADVENTURE?

MAAAAAA?!?! SHIT...CAN'T YOU GET ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT?!?! IT'S AN ANAL ADVENTURE!!!

WHERE HOT MOMS ARE CAUGHT AND FUCKED IN THE ANUS.

Really?

I mean is that really what one could reasonably expect from MOM'S ANAL ADVENTURES?

I was expecting, maybe, a sort of routine recon around the rim of the round eye before a reliable rendering of rib roast cozies?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT?!?!

I'm talking about the fantasy of ass fucking old whores in the ass, versus all the other places you might ass fuck old whores, and I'm talking about this ass fucking being caught on film. I'm not talking about the reality of young cats realizing that it would it take men much larger than they themselves were to get friction out of these distended shit pits. I'm talking about impossibly hot bitches in their 40s getting dicked down like getting dicked down was their job.

WHICH IT FUCKING IS!

Now while none of us here, excepting, possibly, ANIMAL THUG, is stupid enough to believe that this set up is anything other than BANG BUS retread, repackaged by the BANG BUS fucks for cash collection it's STILL nice to see all the old broad banging collected in one place for your curiously oedipal appreciation of old broad banging.

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XXX PROPOSAL

A MIND-NUMBING SITE FOR SORE EYES: SIMOLIAN SLUTS!!!

Of course it's a fucking set up. Like reality TV ain't really real ("wha? JESSICA SIMPSON is not really a dumbshit?!?!?" Relax. That part's for real), this XXX PROPOSAL thing, wherein a dude gets a $1000 for watching his girl take strange salami, IS a set up. But unlike "reality" TV where the set up, the con, is fucking total, here at XXX Proposals the real gems are the ones that clearly ARE NOT set ups.

I'M GONNA MAKE SOME MONEY, I'M GONNA MAKE SOME MONEY...

You know what we mean. The occasional Fly Guys who knew someone who joked "hey, whyn't you and your girl make a cool G?" And Mr. Too Cool For School thought it'd be fine. Just fine.

And then, burned into his memory for the rest of eternity where it'll be repeated ad humiliatium: his girl gobbling A BIG FAT LOAD that's not his.

Genius.

...THE HAAAARRRRDDDD WAY....

See in the Pro Players Handbook of Life, this move is reserved for the few, the special, the MEN. It says it right up front. And so when these imposters to the throne watch, in slow dawning horror, the fullest extension of the sin of their wage, well, it is a thing of beauty.

Foolish men that you are, you should not weep, but should instead count your blessings: all 1000 of them.

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Suffering Anal Succotash!

THE WOMAN ABOVE HAS A) FALLEN ON A BOTTLE, B) ENCOUNTERED A GREEK/ARMENIAN, C) MET SENATE REPUBLICAN JOHN BOEHNER, or D) WHORED HERSELF OUT FOR AN ANAL PLUNDERING OF COLOSSAL PROPORTIONS. ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD, PLEASE.

Ehrlich had come back from Phoenix with a dirty sock full of peyote buttons. We put them in a fucking blender with some apple juice, some blueberries, and a banana. We blended them and sat around it for like 15 fucking minutes daring each other to drink, drink, drink deeply of the elixir of crazy naked Mexican motherfuckers who told him on purchase: "Ees 5 or 4 horas of jugadora magga fugga...."

Yeah. Exactly.

Rosey went first quaffing fully and completely of the monkey shit brown mixture (in literary terms? Yes. foreshadowing...) of Mexican mystics everywhere. Especially Mexico. And magically and almost some would say, mystically, before the rest of us could even imbibe Rosey shot to the bathroom like a Mexican M-80, where he spent the next 5 or 4 hours in the grips of an acute anal suffering the likes of which should make anyone with an anus mightily afeared.

This site is almost like that. Minus the Mexicans, the tripped out visions of black bat-winged creatures and explosive diarrhea.

"Butt-fucking teens suffering from excruciating anal pain!"

Perfect.

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Because the jokes on them

JUST THINK, BABE, AFTER THIS? AND CHARLIE SHEEN? IT'S ALLLLLLLLLLLL DOWN HILL....

You know one of those guys who keeps folded, spindled and mutilated mimeographs of shit that happened to them in elementary school, like some fucking bunk award that says that they were on time for 300 days in a row? And the teacher ran off one of those things with a hand crank and he saves it? For eternity? [Because in some small measure it represents what he may not know at 20, 30 or even 40...it represents that which will only assert itself a little later. Like when he's getting thrown out of his house, his job or his favorite bar: indisputably the best years of his fucking life?]

This site is exactly like that.

Yeah yeah, life begins at 40 is what all the Algonquin table wags once said but they didn't have the dimmest idea of where San Fernando Valley is/was and it is clear if you seen any of these broads today that life ain't beginning at 40 for them. So what you have here? Frozen moments in time when women who you wouldn't look at twice in the supermarket now are looking fucking perfectly cherry as they fuck and suck like this day would never come. That is: the day when they were being mocked by guys they wouldn't have pissed on before for the amusement of others because like ITALIAN SAL said to one of my broads by way of hello, "they're old. And now, since I said that, you're even older. And by the time you walk off in a huff you'll be even older."

Goddamned right.

But they were great once. And that's more than most of us can say.

So I salute this with a load. Right before I go out to fuck a 22 year old whose name I will not remember tomorrow.

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THE BLACK VAGINA FINDER

HE CERTAINLY WILL.

So you got BILLY IDOL. ELVIS. And now MR. Motherfucking SKUNK RILEY.

They rode their sneers to fame, fortune and fucking. Except the first two lacked the stones to share their ass adventures with the rest of us. Call it modesty. Call it propriety. Call it the absence of a beefstick long enough to warrant it being shown to the world...but 26-year-old Skunk had a dream, like many of us, the dream of fucking every single woman in the world worth fucking...but unlike the rest of us he DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

He got some fool to pay to see him fuck white women. In this instance US. But, in case you missed it, his job is to fuck white women. When he rolls out of bed to go to work he rolls right back in bed to fuck. He fucks and fucks with no regard to nationality, creed or cash. He's been fucking for nine years and in that time has fucked over 1000 ho's.

He lists his sexual interests as FUCKIN'.

He sneers. And fucks. And fucking sneers while fucking.

You see a theme here?

Shit, he's the goddamned DON KING of fuckers and the patron saint of Florida poon and for this we salute him.

With asses green with envy.

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Bukkake Versus Bukowski: Read And Discuss

HI. NICE TO MEET YOU. ME? OH, I'M ON MY WAY TO BUKKAKE-VILLE

His voice drops into kind of a wistful whisper as we watch the video clip of master blaster MR. PETER NORTH spraying a nation of ulysses across the upper lip and brow of a beautiful broad who is clearly as excited about the turn of the day's events as we are.

"I, I've never done that." And there it was. A glimpse into the cloistered reality of 95 percent of the men in America who want to rock the jiz fantastic but can't figure out how to even broach the topic.

Balance this against Vivian who's been asking me for bukkake videos for the last six months (always to be greeted with the same response, "why watch it when you can LIVE it, baby") and doesn't dare ask her old man for a spurt of sugared glory.

It's like some twisted goddamned gift of the Magi between those who want to do it and those who want it done...and in the middle, us confederacy of degenerates who almost never have sex withOUT doing this.

Why?

I HAVE ARRIVED!!!!

1) Because when we see our semen it's been a good day no matter what.
2) Because when her mouth is close to our cocks we know we're gonna soon be seeing semen.
3) Because only FIVE percent of the population with stones has the stones to pull this move (amateurs need not apply) anyways and for us fucking elitists this means something. And as a footnote to this any broad that can rock the rhubarb slide is worth her goddamned weight in gold.

And thusly, an entire website dedicated to it.

Life is beautiful.

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The Big Cocks Are Coming!!! The Big Cocks Are Coming!!!

IS IT REAL OR IS IT MAMMOREX? ONLY KALANI'S ASS KNOWS. AND HER LARGE INTESTINE. AND HER SMALL INTESTINE. AND HER STOMACH. AND HER PYLORIC VALVE. AND HER ESOPHAGUS.

MEGA COCK CRAVERS, the site screams, and in a weird way this says it fucking all. Craved by those who might find their way wandering down this little side street of Cocksus Maximus, this site, while not stinking of curious wish fulfillment, most definitely uses the lure of man meat to draw who now? Because if WE want to see bitches fucked by big cocks we typically try to find bitches to fuck...with OUR big cocks: mission accomplished.

But presumably if you DO NOT have a big a cock, or can't manage to get YOUR big cock out of your pants to fuck as often as you like, this site here satisfies a jones of huge cockian proportions. Or perhaps it scratches that reality TV itch: when a broad is sitting on top of 12 inches of tool, there's no mistaking the reality of the plugged pussy's predicament.

Nope.

And as for the site's claim that it's heavily populated by AMATEUR SLUTS WHO LOVE MONSTER COCKS, well we're pretty sure these sluts are pros, that money changed hands and they don't so nearly love them as they do the simolians dangled alongside of them.

Is that bad?

Fucccckkkkk no.

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THE ULTIMATE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. WITHOUT THE FUCKING.

AHHH. SO NOW YOU FEEL THE WRATH OF MY DOUBLE CLUTCHING RUG MUNCH HOLD!!!

Editor's Note: Though we've reviewed this site before, JUDGE ROY BEAN's become obsessed with it and so: Take fucking 2 of one man's obsession with battlin' bitches.

Beating ass and then taxing it; taxing ass and then beating it--whether you start moving from B to A or A to B we do all agree that the ultimates of human expression are covered thusly therein. Fucking and fighting are, in essence, the same base actions--namely a physical manifestation of the desire to conquer--hence the blueprint from which WE work.

Sex and violence are not at opposing ends of the spectrum--they exist at the apex of the circle; sitting side by side, holding hands, and smiling while the moralists of the world desperately attempt to disrupt their happy marriage and place them as enemies of one another when they are really inseparable lovers.

Every day, as our eyes and ears attend to others, we find ourselves sizing up all those that cross our path. Are they best served by the end of our dicks or the end of our fists? The answer is really dependent solely on gender, not on "love" or the propensity for. Though their stance, being that of the opposition, may not necessarily be a conscious one--pity aside--it is a necessary one, lest we face stagnation and, thus, death. Our nature is to conquer; it is that which drives us and it is that which cannot be ignored. Power is the primary nourishment of the human animal and what is best in life, as Conan himself knew, was submitting the opponent...by any means.

See, the tight-assed, big-tittied club whore in the skin-tight mini-skirt and lace stockings may not actively realize that her peacocking ways are more than feeding the innate desire to court our attention, but this does not change that, in the end, that which does not conquer HAS BEEN conquered simply by it's lack of conquering.

Well these hoes, and their peter-cheaters, will not stand for any of that nonsense. No sir...err...no ma'am! Yeah, no ma'am, we mean...whores.

Filthy, filthy fucking whores.

While we are sure that at least some of these women think that this coalesce of physical dominance and pro-active female sexual expression equates with feminist porn; we here at the Mack Ave. find it necessary to interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting to inform them that, indeed, we are smacking our balls purple against knuckles as we speak, and they fight.

Go on with yourselves ladies. If this is what it takes to keep our girls the fuck away from the View and Oprah and quit bitching about the $75 we rack up monthly on our cable bills ordering porn and MMA fights then so be it. We've been getting a bit sick of every woman we meet being a lesbian lately, or just hating our cocks and being tactful in relaying that to us, but nonetheless youse are fighting the good fight. The fight of the fuck. And we applaud you for that. With our cocks, of course.

And all is good and well in our world this eve, as we watch art school dropouts ground and pound fashion design school dropouts in the most literal sense.

Now, if we can just get you motherfuckers to buy something from us so that Sal can afford placing ill-advised bets on these matches...

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