OK, OK. I'M A CRACK WHORE. I CONFESS.

WOO HOO!!! SHIT...I'M SO HIGH I THOUGHT MY PIPE HAD TURNED INTO A FUCKING COCK!

There is no greater friend of CRACK then the mens at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME. WithOUT Crack our lives would be largely devoid of purpose. Especially if by "purpose" you mean the cash we get from selling it and the ho's we bang who buy it. But while we were counting pennies, poking pussy and thinking we were laughing all the way to the bank, these fucking cluckers at CRACK HO CONFESSIONS were actually filming it and thereby making cash on a heretofore undiscovered revenue stream. Undiscovered by US that is.

Now we ain't going to player hate. Noooooo....sob bitterly and rail at a cruel and unjust God who has denied us this thick tributary of cash currents? Well, yes. But player hate? No.

No fucking way.

Because every bit of misery over every dollar we've not made is more than offset by every bit of joy we feel when we stroll down the street of broken dreams and crack. Man, oh man. Hot bitches on the start of their personal slide down. Hot bitches in the midst of that long slide. Hot bitches down so long that it looks like up to them. All smoking crack. All sucking cock. All getting poked.

Shit, we haven't had this much fun since MICHAEL JACKSON's hair caught on fire.

As addictive as the drug whose benefits it touts: proceed with caution.

30 minutes or you get the fucking for free!!!

"IT'S SO NICE OF HIM TO HANG AROUND WHILE I FINISH EATING...."

I used to have a busdriver back in Brooklyn when I was a kid, name of Mr. Pete. Now having Mr. Pete for a bus driver was like having Popeye for a teacher and one of Mr. Pete's favorite Mr. Pete-isms was the always good for a laugh..."who the hell do you think you're fooling with THAT?!?!?"

He'd bust this loose at the slightest provocation for just about anything, any transgression or just to punctuate a sentence. It is in that spirit that we stumbled across what is for sure fucking going to be our newest favorite web site since it's entire premise is predicated on both the answering and asking of the above Mr. Pete-based query:

Who the hell do you think you're fooling with that?

Answer: EVERYONE.

Or at least everyone who, though they weigh 115 pounds, seem to all have a similar hankering for midday pizza wherein, instead of the hurried hand off of cash to a stoned pimple-faced felon who quickly scurries off to get more stoned, gets a delivery guy who promptly delivers the pizza right to his lap on her couch and waits for her to "check" the "pizza" whereby she discovers he's rewarded her long wait with extra pepperoni. She's so "overjoyed" at the extra BONus meat that she gobbles it AND it's creamy surprise filling.

Who the hell do you think you're fooling with that?

Everyone who needs to be.

FOOTNOTE: Much, much, MUCH funnier if you are ALSO stoned.

I, THEATER SLUT

I'M READY FOR MY CUMSHOT, MR. DEMILLE!

FAME!!! I Want To Suck Cock Forever!!! Lighting Up The Sky Like A Flame!!!

Oh yeah. She looks at me with all the earnestness a college freshman drama major named PATRICIA RYAN is capable of mustering.

"I did some summer stock productions. I did Lake Blowmegone. The Merchant of Penis. Homeo and Juliet. You know the classics."

"What about The Hunchback of Notre Dame?"

"Nahh....I hate football stories."

OK. We apologize for that one but the point is this: THEATER SLUTS is every raincoat jackers dream cum true.

SET UP: You and PEEWEE HERMAN are there in Sarasota taking in a retro show of 70s grit and glamour a la maybe a midnight showing of INSIDE JENNIFER WELLES. You and everybody else for whom jerking off in a theater full of other onanists is a sublime delight are there. A veritable community of those cuckoo for coconut.

And in walks THE THEATER SLUT. Led by her trusty THEATER PIMP.

They commence to plop down in the first non-jiz-stained seat and suck and fuck WHOEVER...PEEWEE HERMAN, REGIS PHILBIN, THE DUDE FROM FERRIS BUELLER, WHOEVER is up for a thespian sucking and fucking. Actually delivered by someone other than the standard house sucktress who, if history is any indicator, in all likelihood, is a gamely made up man in a wig.

Anyway, that's their story. They seem to be sticking to it. Lighting up the sky like a flame. Making us remember their names. All whilst enjoying fucking life under the kleig lights. And sucking cock. Oh yeah, and AIMING FOR THE STARS!!!

Whatever.

A FIGHT, A FIGHT, A NIGGER & A WHITE...AND A SPIC. AND A COUPLE O' BITCHES, AND A BUNCH OF WIGGERS, REDNECKS & TRAILER MONKEYS

BITCHES BATTLIN' BITCHES WHILE YOU JUST SIT BACK AND SMILLLLEEEEE....

You think DEMOCRACY is such a good idea? So good of an idea that it should be our number one export over say CARS? Or DVD players? Or anything else that might be worth a damn when we figure out how to make them better than the fucking Japs [And I'm not talking about Jew broads from Mineola]?

Really?

You know what WE do when we think DEMOCRACY is a great idea? We go to an amusement park, a beach, a supermarket, a mall or any other place where large numbers of US fucking congregrate and look to our LEFT, then we look to our RIGHT, or alternatively we look at almost ANYTHING from this genius company that makes these fight vids because then and only then do we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we're disgustingly vile fucking animals who deserve anything that happens to them EXCEPTING almost the right to be able to vote. This is one thing we do not deserve.

That be it as it may, this ENTIRE line of vids is a blast to the back of the head the kind of which you may have been lucky to deliver to the fool that MR. T spoke of always pitying. Pathetic, corrosive, addictive and like every Saturday night in the world going wrong at the same time.

Like MAURY POVICH without all of the feel-good faggotry.

PURE fucking genius.

Um, Godzilla...King Kong...Mighty Joe Young...Gamera...

A LOOK WE AT SKULLGAME ARE ALL, ALL, ALL TOO FAMILIAR WITH: SHOCK, SURPRISE, RESIGNATION & THEN FINALLY, THE CALL TO 911

Man, we were fucking set. We had the tickets, the cooler full of Smirnoff, some choicely rolled bones, a mix tape with ARMORED SAINT, EXODUS, MANOWAR, and MOTORHEAD on it, a tank full of gas and t-shirts that said DISCO SUCKS on it just for some neo-post-modern irony or some shit. So you can imagine our surprise when it turned out that we hadn't at all turned out for the MONSTER OF ROCK but instead the MONSTERS OF COCK.

Yeah. Surprise.

Look if you HAVE a MONSTER COCK, you really have no need to SEE a MONSTER COCK. Unless it's yours. Right about to tonsilize some broad. That being said, IF you have a monster cock, it probably gives you greater satisfaction, as these things go, IF you see monster cocks plowing in some honeypie's stuff versus say some tiny types tapping ass that should rightly go to the winner of the genetic spoils. I mean withOUT the monster cocks, that is IF you have one, it's sort of like watching MR. PEEPERS fuck PAMELA ANDERSON.

It just ain't fucking right. It just ain't fucking right.

So, if your cock ain't big? Seeing big cocks fuck hot bitches justifies in some strange way why it's not YOUR cock (if only but for a few inches there go I).

And if your cock IS big? Well, seeing big cocks fucking hot bitches let's you know that all is right with the world? With or without AC/DC on the soundtrack.

YOUR FACE?

CUM ONE, CUM ALL.

There will come a time when coming on someone's face loses its zing. When the sense of transgression at blowing a load on someone's choppers is absent will clearly be the day when EVERYBODY is squeezing sausage on their lady friend's faces. On TV. During family hour.

Until then: dropping a nice coconut surprise in, around or on the face, lips or across the brow of your loved one will always seem suspiciously dirty and this is what makes it so valuable as an experience to have because in this day and age when we've all become so damned sophisticated about sex this is the one thing that smacks of the hopelessly retrograde. Now we don't say that this is for EVERYBODY. For example, here at SkullGame ITALIAN SAL, like a magician, prefers to see his load disappear down the hatch, whilst VINNIE ROSE, the man himself, likes to watch his work play out on the eager faces of American youth.

Which brings us to CUMFORCOVER!!!

No different than almost every other BUKKAKE site: The girls are no better looking. The loads are no bigger. I mean after awhile you seen one bukkake, you seen them all. But the value to this site though is only for the face load compleatists: you have yet to see THESE faces slathered and loaded with load.

And so we do and discover much to our surprise that there is one serious brand differentiator here that makes this site a skosh easier to recommend and that's that the player that allows you to watch said bukkake is pretty slick and quick and delivers the load-to-face vids almost as easily as YOU will deliver loads to the facial surface of your choosing (if you're us) or your roommate's washcloth (if you're you).

LOOK OUT BELOW!!!

The Dark Secret of Sucking Sausage

I COME LIKE A BREEZE IN THE NIGHT. AND YOU COME LIKE A LOAD IN THE MOUTH. WELCOME TO THE NINJA BLOWJOB!!!!

Permutations, iterations, and variations all on themes older than the most ancient of ancient asian secrets to wit: trying to sell filmic depictions of someone other than you getting, having, or sucking cock. In this case the admixture--Ninja and blowjobs--works about as well as BLOWJOBS and BACON or BADMINTON and BLOWJOBS. That is: blowjobs seem to go nice with just about anything providing they're not being provided by the grizzled maws of fumbling old men in the priesthood.

And so this offshot of shit from the most untogether rich guys we know, the cats at BANG BUS, tries to improve on a theme that can't ever really be improved on: cocks in the mouths of hot bitches. We mean how many ways could you fuck this up? Well, we watch enough of this shit to know and they manage to fuck NOT fuck them up any of the traditional ways of fucking this up which are

1] too much talking
2] ...about stupid shit
3] ugly broads talking too much about stupid shit
4] uninspired cock sucking by ugly broads talking too much about stupid shit and finally
5] sluts who obviously hate the cock sucking it like they hate it.

None of that here.

Could we jerk off to it?

How could we NOT?

Cumgrrrrrrrrllllsss UNITE!!!

THAT AIN'T WORKING, THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO IT, TAKING LOADS ON THE CHIN ON THE MTV

"Have you been on an internet personals? Well then you better start because all I do is search them for SUPER freaks that love cum baths and invite them to my house. Check out how much these girls love to work the cum right out of my cock!!!"

Jesus Christ. They have got to be kidding us. Well, perhaps not. Perhaps if they appended to everyone of the above sentences the words "with $1000."

"Have you been on an internet personals...with $1000? Well then you better start, with $1000, because all I do is search them for SUPER freaks that love cum baths with $1000 and invite them to my house with $1000. Check out how much these $1000 girls love to work the cum right out of my cock!!! For $1000!!!!!"

Goddamned right.

"HAVING A GRAND OL' TIME...SEND MORE CASH..."

LIKE GOV'T FUCKING CHEESE

FUGITIVE FINANCIER FRANK QUATTRONE WORKING OFF HIS DEBT TO HUMANITY ONE LOAD AT A TIME.

OL' DIRTY BASTARD was a fucking bastard for it. BOBBY DE NIRO thought it was so nice, he married it twice. And VINNIE ROSE, would walk across 50 fat boy's assholes to get to it: FREE, BLACK PUSSY.

Now before we get around to what, essentially is a fucking lie, a sham and a goddamned shame, we should just luxuriate in the thought and prospect of PUSSY that costs you NOTHING but performs up to pussy performance par in that it more than capably extracts oil from your coconuts and does so without undue wear and tear on your finances and/or time.

Well, this site doesn't do that.

It doesn't do shit except remind you how fucking two Black women in 2004 is not nearly enough. And even though it's not nearly enough you still won't fuck that one that sent you the picture with her wearing an 8-inch strap on dildo.

But I digress.

If you come here looking for something BLACK and something PUSSY and something FREE, you will not find anything close to what you're expecting.

So: good as a reminder to be nicer to that broad at the rib joint.
So: bad as a cost saving measure into the pants of aforementioned broad.

Too bad.

READING, 'RITING, RIMMING & 'RITHMETIC...

IN ALL LIKELIHOOD? THE JC SKANK WHO LAUGHED WHEN YOU ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO GO SEE A MOVIE OR SOMETHIN'...SUCKING FOR HER SUPPER...AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

Despite what you might think, from some of the more uncouth contents of this website, some of us at SkullGame are actually highly eduju...educut...ahh, we been to skool. And shit.

So we know the value of a good educatione. As do the hoes presented on this website. All of whom are sucking cock for cash. Apparently just so they can afford a copy of the Self-Guidance Program to Successful Parenthood (Revised Edition) and become good, constructive, cock-sucking members of society.

Or that's the bullshit this knobsite would have us believe.

But if that particular bullshit (students fucking for tuition) is the particular bullshit that happens to get you off...then you've found a home.

On the web.

In your chair.

Cock in hand.

With the promise of Management Accounting (5th Edition) and Expert's Guide to Commercial Law as reward. To her. In exchange for your load.

Yeah. D+ premise at best. -- MR. XTRA

ROPES. APPARENTLY.

YEAH. I'M GOING OUT FOR A PACK OF CIGARETTES. I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK, BABY.

I ain't never been that big a' fan of bondage, you know. It seemed like a lot of schoolwork that needed to be done before recess. If I wanna hold somebody still, at 6'2" and 225 pounds well I'll just fucking HOLD THEM STILL. So yeah yeah, as dinner theater went I'd still prefer a little light comedy with my sausage.

Until this conversation:

Her: "I just...well I shouldn't even be telling you this but...well just the idea of getting tied up makes me fucking WET..."

Me: "ME TOO!!! I mean,uh, tying YOU up makes me wet. I mean HARD. HARD I mean, goddamn it."

Her: "Well.....which knots would you use on me?"

Yeah, this is where the cartoon wah wah wah music kicks in as I pathetically ignore it and try to come up with shit that makes me sound like I know what I'm doing.

"Baby, I lay that Grand Windsor on you, and your pussy won't know what hit it."

And miracle of miracles it WORKED. Except who the fuck knew what a Grand Windsor was?

Well this site was good for that. Sort of. Sort of enough to get me in, get her tied down, and get me fucking before it had been realized: a Grand Windsor is a fucking tie for cravats.

Perfect.

http://www.bangbus.com/

"WHEN YOU'VE GOT A BANGBUS VAN YOU'VE GOT THE WORLD BY THE ASS!"

The set up is total tits. Whether it's legit or not, it's still total tits: dudes in a van pulling broads under the pretense of "asking them a few questions. For which you would be paid." Except they ain't nearly so polite as all that. The broads get in the van, the 10 questions devolve into one question about some shit like the weather and then pops off with some question that inevitably leads to a WHOLEEEEEE lot of fucking and cocksucking.

Genius.

Cruising the streets, saucing skanks and taking a hoo ride with host Dirty Sanchez, never seemed like so much fun.

And the occasional best kicker in the world: when the girl is standing on the sidewalk after her rod ride and starts to ask for her cash and they screech off into the sunset laughing.

Do NOT, we repeat, NOT try this at home if your balls are not made of total brass.

TWO! TWO! TWO GREAT TASTES IN ONE!!!

THE FAMILY THAT SUPS SAUSAGE TOGETHER IS THE FAMILY THAT STAYS TOGETHER WHILST SUPPING ON SAUSAGE. TOGETHER. LADIES & GENTLEMAN: THE MILTON TWINS!

There is either something terribly RIGHT or something terribly WRONG in the Milton household.

We are undecided as to which it might because while drinking cock juice for cash is a profession not without a certain kind of esteem in these parts....sort of like garbage men or sewer workers...we file this shit under stuff we need done that we don't want to do that someone else clearly is...for a few lines of blow, a promise to call again and a ride home...willing to. So the fact that there are virtual MOTHER THERESA's of load out there whose hard earned efforts allow us to sleep a little easier at night secure in the knowledge that the load that was just blown by us was aided and abetted by sluts who wouldn't give us the time of day...unless we had a few extra hundreds around...is comforting. That is: this is what's RIGHT about it all.

What's WRONG about it is that somehow there are a set of parents out there whose many years of parenting, many years and as many dollars, have produced not ONE but only TWO comely whores. Is it too much to ask that these parents, in an ANGELINA JOLIE fit of familial greed, raise more offspring the way they raised these two? Is that too much to fucking ask? MADONNA, adoption mad as she is, won't do nearly as good a job as the Milton's parents and surely this a tragedy.

Our point is this: if you like braces, young twin girls, who suck a lot of sausage and eat pussy and you are NOT necessarily named WOODY ALLEN, this site is about all you'll ever need to fill your quote of TWIN jerkitage.

Guaran-fucking-teed.

Flinging It All To The Fucking Wind

SUSIE, HERE, IS SOMEWHERE IN SAN FRAN. PRESUMABLY WAITING FOR OUR COCKS. AND WHILE WE'RE HOLDING OUR BREATH THAT SHE FINDS US, SOMETHING TELLS US IT'S GONNA BE A LONG WHILE BEFORE SHE FINDS US.

OK. We've all seen the Facebooks, the Myspaces, the social "networking" hoo hah, which is really just a sometimes not even so thinly veiled excuse/attempt to GET LAID which is fine. We fully advocate everybody telling lies about every thing anyone could ever lie about just for the fuck of it or even specifically to get some ching chang. Where we get a little fezzed up is when the lies told are not to get ching chang but to just get ka-ching. Which is even sort of fine as long as the tricks don't try to treat the pimps like johns. Which brings us to FLING. While this is just the same old hound in mutton's clothing what irks us more than anything is

1] there's no fucking way the bitch above lives on our street, the claim they're making [and here's one from me: I know ALL the neighborhood hot bitches already] and

2] $9.95, $34.95, and/or $59.95 is anything BUT free you motherfuckers!!! What?!?! You think we can't count?

HOWEVER, we, in the spirit of full journalistic inquiry have logged on. The upshot: not a single CC of semen has left our bodies. Six hours and counting.

Now, I know there are doubters out there who claim that Facebook/Myspace's been very good for them and they've gotten laid with little or no work and while we're not calling these guys liars we do, indeed, think they're lying. Or there's oceans of confusion between the willing and supple lips of a 19-year old whore and the trembling ministrations of a grizzled 65 yeard old alcoholic. They claim the former, we're betting on the latter.

Let the buyer beware.

Crosstown Ass Traffic

WHEN YOU COME TO A FOUR WAY INTERSECTION DO YOU A] STOP BEFORE PROCEEDING, 2] DEFER TO THE CAR ON YOUR RIGHT OR C3] FLOOR IT STRAIGHT TO ASSISTAN?

You ever wonder what Romanian ass fucking vids looked like?

Oh, OK, what about just ass fucking vids then? With Romanians doing the ass fucking?

How the hell should I know where Romania is? I think it's next to Beheadistan? Between Iran and Irate or something?

In any case, here it is: Raul Cristian, the newest director at the Evil Angel empire, got spied by Ass Master John Stagliano, pulled in and now vids that you can see online are also being pimped by Stags because of their winning formula of, um, fucking Romanian broads in the keister. The prime brand differentiator here between ASS TRAFFIC and say all the 10,000 rump riding sites is that Eastern European women fuck like their lives depended on it which, if you've ever been to Romania, is probably more true than not. More than that they look, we're quite sure, at least 10 times fucking better than the last 20 bar skags that wouldn't give you their phone numbers, and are here in glorious technicolor getting their asses drilled and drinking semen.

And Cristian, the Romanian superman, at his height was filming or producing 400 of these fucking scenes a year.

How many times did you get laid last year? Yeah. We thought so.

And while his MTV shit--super fast zooms in and out close ups--make us feel like we're high on crank and we're going to have fucking heart attacks [yeah. like], the whole big tittied-hot-Euro-bitch with a crank in her crapper is just something never gets old even if admittedly we'd only managed to watch this shit three minutes at a time.

Three minutes. Nap. Get sandwich. Beer.

Repeat.

Yeah. It's that cool.